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Yoongi thought he had known himself for a very long time. He knew that he came off as intimidating when he didn’t mean to, that he loved Korean barbecue, that he could work for exactly twenty consecutive hours on eight hours of sleep. He knew his own strengths: producing, rapping, consoling his friends. He also knew his own weaknesses: Min Holly, Jimin crying, crowded places.
Yoongi also thought he’d known his two fellow rappers pretty well. Namjoon, the lanky one who always seemed to break things, with flow and delivery that Yoongi was secretly jealous of, with all the worries of the universe swirling around in his head, spitting beautiful poetic monologues about them. The one he had lived with from the beginning, the one he felt he knew inside out. They had laughed together, cried together, spent long nights awake, worrying, comforting each other. And of course, Hoseok, a very hardworking and humble man, probably the best dancer to have ever graced the earth, the most radiant guy Yoongi had ever met, who could make the most beautiful painting look unappealing whenever he smiled. Hoseok, who could perform like no other member could. The one who had known how to take care of Jungkook from the very beginning.
And both of them had dimples. They had always had dimples. So why was it that Yoongi had suddenly started paying more and more attention to them?
Namjoon’s dimples, kind of between his cheekbones and jaw, came out when he smiled. Yoongi loved it when Namjoon smiled, he had always thought their leader had a very nice smile, with perfectly straight, pearly white teeth. He associated it with spring, with flowers blooming, nice days out in the countryside. Hoseok was the only person Yoongi had ever met whose dimples came out when he ate. Yoongi found them so cute, they were small and appeared in uncommon spots on his face, very close to his nose on his round cheeks.
And recently, Yoongi had caught himself staring more and more often. Whenever they all had dinner together, or a rushed lunch between shoots, he would always look for Hoseok so he could see his cute dimples appear. He had been putting in extra effort to make Namjoon smile. And the worst thing was, after a while, it hadn’t only been the dimples he’d been staring at anymore. It was also their lips, their shoulders, stomachs, legs, arms. He just couldn’t keep his eyes off of them, his initial reaction to everything either of them did thinking to himself I love him so much .
So one day, when the rappers had been collectively scolded by Bang PD for not producing enough songs, while the others were all at the dorm, Yoongi asked the other two to gather together in his studio. They had all been working so hard, staying up ridiculously late, drinking liters of coffee in their studios after dance practice so they wouldn’t collapse, and yet, they got scolded. Yoongi felt disrespected and angry, but most of all, he was just tired. Tired from staying up working, but also tired of hiding, lying, pretending.
Namjoon and Hoseok sat down on Yoongi’s couch as he sat down in his chair.
“What’s up, hyung?” Hoseok asked, unable to repress a yawn.
“I’m sorry for keeping you up,” the oldest said. “But there’s something that’s been on my mind for a while now, and I think it’s about time I tell you about it. I can’t do this anymore.”
The other two looked at him, Namjoon with concern, Hoseok with confusion.
“But as you know,” he continued. “I’m not very good at expressing my feelings out loud. So I hope you don’t mind that I read it from this?”
He held up his notebook.
“It’s fine,” Namjoon said, shaking his head. “Go ahead, hyung. Whichever way you prefer.”
Yoongi nodded and took a deep breath before starting to read.
“Dear Hoseok and Namjoon. I realize this is a bit strange, but I hope you forgive me. I have a lot to say but I will try to keep it short and to the point. As your hyung, I have always loved you, supported you, and rooted for you. We have come a long way together and we’ve been together for a long time. I want to be together with you for an even longer time, but…”
Yoongi swallowed thickly, a lump suddenly in his throat.
“...but I want to be together with you in a different way. I’ve grown to love you in a different way. Both of you, at the same time. I’ve never felt anything like this before and it confuses me. I confuse myself. But I hope…”
His vision went blurry, tears starting to well up as he spoke. In any other situation he would probably be embarrassed, but he felt so tired, so vulnerable, that he allowed himself to feel.
“...I hope that you’ll help me figure it out. And if you don’t want to, I hope you won’t look at me differently, or love me less than you have until now. With love, Yoongi. Forever your hyung.”
There was a thick silence in the studio. Yoongi didn’t dare look up from his notebook, scared of the reactions he would see on their faces. When they didn’t say anything, he started filling in the blanks himself. They thought it was ridiculous. They were disgusted. He closed his eyes as the tears started to fall, on his own hands, lap, notebook. He had never felt that alone and vulnerable in his entire life.
And then, suddenly, there was comfort, warm hands on his legs and sides, stroking him, soft shushing sounds and it’s okays in his ears. And before he could fully register all of it, there were two pairs of lips on his cheeks, kissing away the tears. Someone moved his notebook to the desk, and two different hands took Yoongi’s. He opened his eyes and saw them, Namjoon on his left, Hoseok on his right. They didn’t look disgusted or freaked out. They were smiling at him.
“We’ll figure it out, hyung,” Hoseok said, voice almost a whisper. “We love you too.”