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Chapter Text

Matt felt like shit for most of the day. He's not really in a lot of pain, it's more uncomfortable than anything else, but it's been distracting. At most it just feels like he has a cold with the coughing and scratchy throat, but there's a weird bittersweet taste in his mouth that tastes almost like a flower (he once ate one as a dare from Lucus).

The day passes by quickly, as soon enough they're in the auditorium rehearsing for the play. Matt, though still annoyed about being cast as Tybalt, reads through his lines waiting for sister Chantelle to direct them on what scene to do. He sighs and looks around bored, then catches Peter's eye and smiles at him softly. Peter seems slightly relieved as he smiles back, and walks over to Jason.

"Where were you last night? I waited up" He hears Peter ask.

"I crashed at Ivy's" A pang of emotion hits Matt in the chest, but he's unsure what they are. Anger? Jealousy? Suspicion?

"Oh really?" Peter asks also with a hint of jealousy. Jason shrugs and walks past him to Nadia. Sister Chantelle walks in clapping her hands.

"Ok, people, let's get amateur hour started. Peter, you have been staring at me all day, now I love you to pieces honey, but I'm off the market! Places for the fight scene"

Matt, Jason and Peter get into places for the scene, and Matt glances over at Ivy before reciting his lines. "Romeo, the love I bear thee can afford. No better term for this, thou art a villain!"

Jason steps forward continuing "Tybalt the reason that I have to love thee, doth much excuse the appertaining rage to such a greeting. Villain I am none, farewell. I see thou knowst me not"

Peter moves forward, sword raised towards Matt, "Calm dishonorable! Vile submission-"

"Gentle mercutio put thy rapier up" Jason says putting a hand on Peters

Sister Chantelle nods and looks at Ivy and Nadia. "Ivy run the next scene. Oh and Nadia,  an answer to your question, at no point does the nurse slap Juliet"

The two girls and the three boys continue their scenes. Then the girls stop when Nadia slaps Ivy, leaving Matt and Peter to the fight scene.

The sword fight goes as choreographed, but then Matt starts to feel like Jason is showing off and hits the sword hard into Jason's hand causing him to drop his. Jason growls and shoves Matt, who shoves him back harder. Jason swings his first at Matt but the shorter boy moves out the way, leaning against the wall and starts coughing hard.

He can feel something rising up his throat that feels soft, but almost like sandpaper, as he gasps for breath between coughs. The object brushes against his tongue, then gracefully drifts to the floor. People gasp in shock as a white, slightly bloodstained flower lands on the floor. Matt stares at it in horror. So that's where the petals came from but how?!

Peter rushes forward to ask him if he's okay, but Matt panics and runs out the room shaking. The stage fills with murmuring as people stare at the flower that came out of Matt, whispering in shock and weird solutions on how it happened.

"What was that about?" Jason mumbles looking at Peter.

"I don't know...hey I saw the craziest thing last night..."
-

Matt sits on the stairwell shaking, hugging his knees to his chest unsure what to do or feel. It doesn't seem possible to have coughed up a flower, that just can't happen right? Maybe it's just some weird drunken dream and he'll wake up any second now. Only...it doesn't feel like a dream at all. The feeling of the flower in his throat burned. It felt so real. So how could it be a dream?

He sighs and shakes his head "When I said to give me a sign, I didn't mean curse me!"

Then, he hears the sound of footsteps approaching and he puts his face in his knees as if that would hide him. As they get closer, he starts to recognise them as Nadia's boots, they stop right by him.

"Hey Matt" She sighs from beside him, "That was pretty crazy right?"

He lets out a sarcastic laugh, raising his head and looking at her. She smiles at him and puts her hand on his shoulder supportively. "You okay?"

"Depends what you define as 'okay'"

She laughs and moves closer "Matthew I'm being nice. You just puked up a flower during rehearsal, after fighting my brother and now you're sitting on the stairs talking to yourself! You know you can talk to me right? I care for you even though you don't realise, and I don't show it. Is it becasue I slapped your girlfriend or you were cockblocked last night?"

A genuine smile appears on his face and he looks away, holding back a laugh. He remembers that Nadia had given him 3 condoms as a joke and laughed as he went bright red and flustered. Of course, he never used them and they're probably still in his pocket.

She puts her arm around his shoulders and sighs "Or is it because you're Tybalt because of Jason? I know you wanted Romeo. I think you'd be a great Romeo, you know? I wanted Juliet but I got nurse. Same boat my friend, though I'm not sure if Sister Chantelle gave me nurse because it would be weird if I had to play my brothers romantic interest, or she doesn't think I can be the pretty lead girl"

"You'd be a great Juliet" he says, actually meaning it and not because they're friends.

"Aww thanks Matthew" she smiles. He goes to ask her to call him Matt but she continues "Hey imagine you being Romeo and me being Juliet. How weird would that be?" She gasps "Ivy would be soo jealous"

He laughs. Then she laughs.

Everything feels better now.

"Thanks Nadia...I needed that. Its nice to know that someone out there cares about me" Matt smiles at her. She removes her arm from his shoulders and pats his hand.

"Its fine Matt. A lot of people do! If you need to talk I'm here. Always have been always will" Nadia gets up then, with a final smile, walks away up the stairs to her room. Matt gets up and sighs calmly.

Suddenly everything that's happened doesn't feel as bad anymore. Yeah, he has to figure out what happned and why, but knowing that at least one person doesn't think he's crazy means the world to him. Hopefully Ivy wont think he's weird either. He just needs to fix their relationship and get them back where they were. That's should be simple. Hopefully.

Chapter Text

Matt slams his door shut, tears spilling down his face angry and heart broken as he walks over to his bed. Curling up shaking, Matt let's out a loud sob into the covers. He's sure someone could probably hear him, but he doesn't care. He's tired of being treated like the second best beside Jason 'overachieving' McConell.

Jason gets Romeo. Jason gets Ivy's attention at the party he planned for her. Jason kisses his girlfriend.

Matt sniffs, getting off his bed and searches Lucas' side for anything to calm him down. I should've had some of those brownies... But when he can't find any, he makes the decision to go to a place where he knows he'll find something.

It's quite lucky that the corridors are empty; Matt probably looks suspicious wandering around this late, red faced and looking around cautiously. He enters the chapel, after making sure no one's in there, and then walks down the aisle to the cupboard. Surprisingly, it's unlocked. And there's an unopened bottle of wine.

He grabs it and kneels by the alter. He opens the bottle and takes a mouthful of wine, before looking up at the stainglass window.

"God...are you there? Do you watch me when I cry? Why do you let these things happen to me, I'm a good person! I try so hard to please you but you never seem to see. They say good things come to those who wait, but I've waited 5 years and all you've dine is make me hurt. What am I doing wrong...please...give me a sign. I don't know what to do"

Matt sniffs wiping his eyes, and starts to drink more hoping to numb the sadness for a while. Surely things will turn out fine in the morning. It was just a damn party and she was wasted!

The sound of footsteps approach from behind, and he prays that it's not sister Chantelle. She'd probably kill him.

"Who's out there?" He calls, starting to feel the effects wash over him.

"Matt?" That's unmistakably the sound of Peter's voice. It's sad and tired.

"Yeah...are you alright?" He asks turning to look at him. Peter nods kneeling beside him and sighs, staring at his hands. Matt can't help but be a little concerned about him. He seems upset about something...or it's just the pot brownies he ate.

"I'm fine..."

Matt looks down at the bottle then at the boy beside him, "Here, have some wine"

He smiles at Matt confused "This is holy wine?"

"Father hasn't blessed it yet!"

Peter smiles at him, taking the bottle from his hand and drinking from it. "Thanks. Life sucks"

He nods "Have the rest. So...uh...why'd you leave the party?"

"I...was getting kinda bored. And there's...another reason. I was being ignored and it sucks" He drinks some more and Matt sighs.

"I know. Ivy ignored me when I was the on who planned...most of it. I'm just so tired of doing the right thing and then nothing good coming out of it"

Peter nods understanding, putting his hand on Matt's comfortingly and hands him the bottle. "I know what you mean. Jason and I have been drifting apart lately. He needs to...I dunno...make more of an effort with me"

Even though he has no idea what that means, Matt nods "I'll drink to that"

Peter looks at him and reaches for the wine, but Matt gets up grinning and holds it away from him. He laughs trying to grab it away, and it ends up looking more like a dance.

Matt makes a small snort-like laugh and puts his arm around Peter, pretending to waltz with him like they had to in the play. Peter smiles down at him, his cheeks turning a light shade of red and he follows along.

"Who's leading?"

"I dunno!"

"Well, who usually leads?"

His smile fades. Peter slowly leans down and whispers in his ear "Matt...I'm...I'm gay. I'm dating Jason"

He pulls away and looks at Matt, who seems half surprised and half awkward. He already knows, he saw them kissing at the rave. But Peter coming out and confessing it to him is...well he doesn't know how to feel.

"...I'm going to bed. Catch you later, Okay?" Matt gives the bottle to Peter, and after offering him a comforting smile he walks back out to his room.

What a wild night...

-
In the morning, Matt's throat burns as if he'd been screaming non stop all night, his mouth feels dry as bone, and his head is aching. At first he thinks it's just a side effect of the wine he drank, but then he notices the petals sitting on his pillow. His windows closed and there's no flowers in his room, so how did they get there?

Probably just Lucus playing a prank on him.

Yeah...thats it...right?

Chapter Text

"Not all tales have happy endings, we can't keep pretending! Because there's no such thing as heroes who are queer!" Jason shoves Peter hard, causing him to fall on the floor wincing. He looks up at Jason shaking, eyes wide in surprise, holding back tears. Jason's expression softens slightly looking down at him.

"So much for our ever after...you can't be the same boy I followed...That I'd always follow. You hurt me more than you know, all I wanted was you"

"Peter..." Jason takes a step towards him but Peter moves back slightly, looking away. This it it. The end. "Promsie me you want say anything to anyone?"

He looks up at Jason in disbelief. Why isn't he apologising? God...this really is it...

Shaking his head, he gets up and rushes towards the exit, holding back tears that sting his eyes but he refuses to let go right now. But once he gets outside, he allows the tears to fall and he sobs heartbroken. He loved Jason for years. 5 years. He put up with the secrets, and sneaking around, and never being able to express himself all those years, and this is what it came to? All those memories and promises crumble instantly, left in ruin from one moment.

Maybe he should've kept quiet. Maybe, if he'd never mentioned the vision then Jason would still be with him. Maybe if he was a bit more patient...

Peter starts to make his way down the corridor to the stairs leading to the dorms, not really sure where he's heading. Jason would come back to their room. He can't go there. He briefly thinks about going go Nadia's, but then Ivy would be there. He doesn't blame Ivy, or hate her for last night, but he's not sure it would be a good idea to go there either. Jason might go to hers. 

Then he remembers what happened after the party before Mary appeared before him. Matt. He told Matt about Jason. Maybe...maybe he'd understand...?

Peter walks down the corridor, stopping at Matt and Lucas' room and takes a deep breath knocking on the door. He silently prays Lucas isn't in. The door opens quicker than Peter would expect, and he looks down at Matt. Matt briefly looks dissapointed seeing it's just Peter, but that quickly turns to concern seeing his tear stained face.

"Peter?"

"Sorry...I um...can I come in?"

"Sure..." He moves to let Peter in, shutting the door behind him, and sits down on his bed beside him. "So...what's wrong...?"

Peter breaks down in more tears almost immediately "Jason broke up with me! We've been together 5 years and now it's over. I loved him more than anything Matt"

Matt sighs and pulls him into a hug, rubbing his back gently unsure what to do. Peter throws his arms around him and cries into his shoulder. He knows the feeling all too well; he loved Ivy for years, and he was thrilled when she said yes once he asked her out. His heart still hurts from the breakup. Peter probably feels the same about Jason.

Suddenly, Peter sounds like hes struggling to breath as he starts to cough hard. A few petals flutter out of his mouth, and both boys stare in horror. He has it too...

"Peter..."

Peter sniffs sadly, not wanting to move away from this position, and glances up at him. "I'm fine..."

"...Do you feel any better...?" Stupid question! He probably feels just as shit!

Peter nods slowly as a response, though Matt's unsure if he really means it "I'm sorry for disturbing you unexpectedly...I-I didn't know where else to go..."

"Its fine. I understand"

"Thank you..."

There's a short awkward pause. The boys sit in silence. Matt doesn't move since Peter seems comfortable where he is. Though after a while, Matt decides to break the silence. He goes to ask Peter something, but he realises the other boy has fallen asleep in his arms. He sighs and carefully shifts on his bed to get more comfortable, trying his best not to wake Peter back up, and leans his head back against the wall.

As Matt thinks back to Ivy, his chest begins to tighten again. He starts to wonder if she actually loved him back, or if she just didn't want to turn him down. It hurts more to think that she might have never even liked him in the first place. Now he thinks about it, she didn't always look happy with him. He doesn't blame her; and it would be cruel to make her stay if she didn't love him. But he just wishes she would've told him if it really is the case.

Petals begin to push their way out of his lungs, and he desperately tries to swallow them back down but fails. They burn like acid against his throat as he coughs them up into his hand, partially stained in blood.

Lucas walks in not really looking at him. He lays down on his bed before sighing heavily, "Hey Matt...you alright?"

"Yeah...I guess"

Lucas looks over and pauses seeing Peter cuddled up against him, but doesn't say anything about it. "Dude, you threw up a flower. I don't think that's the definition of okay. It's fine to be upset you know"

Matt doesn't answer. He looks away and glances at the petals in his hand, then at Peter. Then, Lucas rolls over onto his back and watches him. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah. He...had an argument with Jason..."

"Oh...They seemed very close..." He slides off his bed and begins to pick up the hoodie that he wears to bed off the floor. Lucas doesn't wear pajamas. "He looks comfortable there. Its fine if he wants to sleep here, I don't mind. I'm gonna get changed..." he disappears into their small bathroom to change.

Matt carefully throws the petals in the bin beside his bed and looks at Peter again. This boy doesn't deserve such an awful disease.

Anger quickly starts to burn inside him. It's Jason that took the role he wanted. It's Jason that caused Ivy to break up with him. Its Jason that broke Peter's heart. Why is he ruining  everything?

He's really tired of being second best in everything because of him.

Chapter Text

Its 3AM and Matt is still awake with Peter laying against him in his arms, staring up at the ceiling. It's almost quiet since Lucas is gently snoring into his pillow, while half hanging off his bed. He had come out of the bathroom, his eye liner smudged in a half assed attempt to wash it off, and stared at Matt for a few seconds with his arms crossed.

"Are you high?" Matt sighed. Lucas shrugged, and glanced down at Peter in response. Heat rose into Matt's face and he answered immediately "I'm not gay"

Lucas smirked gently, raising his eyebrows "never said you were Matthew"

"But I'm not. That's what you were suggesting!" He snapped blushing harder angrily. Lucas just laughed at his reply, walked over to his bed and flopped onto it, passing out as soon as he made contact.

It had upset Matt at the time that Lucas would even suggest he liked guys, but now he realises that he was paranoid and Lucas was probably just wondering why he hadn't moved him.

He sighs, trying to get rid of the thoughts that keep invading his mind. It probably looked suspicious how he reacted. Matt knows he likes girls, he loved Ivy and he's been into others, but there's the part of him that makes him doubt if he really is the 100% straight guy he's been playing all these years. The first time he learned the word faggot is when his dad called him it anyway.

Peter shifts and sighs in his sleep, which causes Matt to snap out of the dark 3AM thoughts he's having. He looks at the other boy, noticing how he looks content and peaceful as he's cuddled up beside him. How could Jason break up with him? Other than the extreme homophobia that would hurt or even kill him, Peter seems like the perfect guy to be with. He's nice, sweet, kind. He's also really-

Stop it Matt. What the fuck are you doing?

He looks back at the ceiling squeezing his eyes shut. He's been sure for so many years but now he's doubting it all over again. His dad's words ring in his ears, and he bites his lip hard enough for it to bleed.

I didn't raise you to be a faggot Matthew!

Matt sits up and moves away from Peter, trying to control his breathing as his lungs begin to constrict again. This time it's out of panic, not the parasite that's invaded his lungs. He opens the window and leans out, hoping the cold air will help as he grabs the chair from his desk and moves it to sit next to it. Lucas snorts in response to the cold but stays asleep. He shuts his eyes again, focusing on his breathing.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9...10

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8....9...10

He soon begins to calm down as the panic slowly evaporates, and he leans back against the chair exhausted. A mix of staying up this late and having a panic attack really doesn't work well. Yawning, Matt puts the chair away and looks at his bed. Peter's still there...

I can't sleep there ... not right now...

He looks around, but just decides to sleep on the floor. Matt prays silently, as if it would help, before curling up on the floor and trying to sleep.
---
Getting to lessons is almost easy.

Walk down the corridor to your class, don't make eye contact with your ex boyfriend, don't die when you pass him, make it to lesson without coughing up your insides. Fairly simple.

Peter manages to avoid Jason most of the day, but he can't help but stare when they're in the same class. He still loves Jason, no doubt about it, but it hurts too much to see him after what he said. Or when Ivy starts to flirt with him. He knows she doesn't know he was already in a relationship, so he can't blame her for flirting with him. Peter knows she likes him, and he knew one day Jasom would find that girl who makes him happy. Ivy seems to be that very girl.

He should be happy for him, but the happiness never comes. It makes him feel selfish to be so jealous and upset. This is what Jason wanted. He should he happy for him. But he can't.

He has to leave Maths after watching them together to go to the toilet, where more petals are dispersed into the sink and tears are spilt. Maybe he'd be happy if his love hadn't manifested into a disease that would surely kill him soon. It hurts enough to see him happy with someone else, but the physical pain of vines in his lungs and petals shredding his throat just add onto his suffering. If only they knew.

The day drags on way too slowly, and Peter is hardly relieved to go to rehearsal. Usually he'd enjoy it, but today he just wants to go back to bed and never come back out. Its not a great day.

He walks into the auditorium, no longer surprised to find his peers causing chaos on the stage, and goes over to Matt who's staring at his script unimpressed. "Hey"

"Hey" Matt replies sighing and shuts his script "I just realised that Tybalt shows up to get murdered and that's it"

"You have more scenes than that"

Matt shrugs crossing his arms "Doesn't feel like a lot"

"Matt, you get to play the angry cousin. Who's name means prince of cats. I know he's no Romeo but you get to fight Jason without anyone telling you not to" Peter jokes and smiles when Matt actually smiles at what he said.

"How do you...never mind. Um...do you want to stay over mine tonight if you're not going back to your own room? We could steal some of Lucas' alcohol"

"Sounds great"

"This is a drama room but that don't mean you have to cause drama in here!" Sister Chantelle walks onto the stage holding a script and staring right at Zack. "Everyone on the stage. Places for Pilgrims hands"

Everyone goes on stage and gets into their position. Peter glances at Jason frowning, then looks at his partner getting into the position for their routine.

"If I profane with my unworthiest hand, this holy shrine the gentle fine is this"

Peter had helped him with his lines. He remembers doing the routine with him.

"My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand. To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss"

He swallows hard, fighting the cough that tickles his throat.

"Good pilgrim you do wrong your hand too much. Which mannerly devotion shows in this. For saints have hands, that pilgrims hands do touch, and palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss..."

He can see her smiling, and his stomach twists.

"Have not saints lips, and holy Palmer's too?"

"Aye pilgrims lips that they must use in prayer"

"Well then dear saint, let lips do what hands do. They prey, grant thou lest faith turn to dispear"
---

They probably shouldn't have stolen whatever beer was hiding on Lucas' side of the room, or even drunk as many as they did. Last time they got drunk together it was because of their exes, this time isn't much different.

"So...you left after I told you about Jason, and I was just sitting on the floor drinking when this black lady walks in looking like beyonce...or Diana Ross..." Peter says, shifting in the bed with a stupid grin on his face and takes another drink before continuing, "Anyway. She says she's the virgin Mary! And these two Angels walk in behind her and...dance? She told me it's okay to be gay and that I had to phone my mum to tell her. It was so weird Matt but I think it wasn't just me tripping badly. The best part? The next day I realised that Mary looked like sister Chantelle!"

Matt laughs "What? Peter I think you drunk way too much. Or maybe pot brownies and alcohol don't mix too well"

"Oh my God...what if it was just sister chantelle but I was imagining her as Mary?!" Peter asks and bursts out laughing. Matt ends up laughing too, finding it funny even though he probably wouldn't laugh this hard if he was sober. He watches Peter and something in him switches.

He suddenly notices how Peter's smile lights up his face, and all the tiny details of his face. His eyes are the most wonderful shade of blue. In fact, his eyes look almost identical to Ivy's.

Peter giggles and watches him examine his face, "Matt? Are you okay there?"

Matt doesn't reply. He doesn't push the feelings he's been holding down for so long. All he can see is how pretty the boy in front of him is. And his eyes. The eyes so identical to the one he loves.

So he can't stop himself when he leans forward and kisses him.

And Peter barely stops him.

He doesn't stop when his tie and shirt come off.

Or when he's deeping the kiss.

Or when Peter takes the lead, and they lay back still kissing as if their lives depend on it.

He knows he'll regret it in the morning, but something about this doesn't feel as wrong as it should.

-
A throbbing headache wakes Matt the next morning, and he immediately regrets drinking so much possibly outdated or possibly cocaine tainted beer. As he goes to reach for the day old water on the side, he realises both that there's someone clinging to his side and he's hardly wearing anything.

For a second he's confused. He can't exactly remember what happened before he fell asleep, but as soon as he looks down at Peter's sleeping face he knew.

Dread washes over him as he realises what he's done. You've really done it this time Matthew.

Unsure what to do, he just stares at Peter as if it would make him go away and solve this mess. This wasn't supposed to happen! How could he be so stupid to let it get this far? Matt isn't gay. He doesn't like boys. No he's straight. Last night meant nothing.

Who am I fucking kidding ?

Peter starts to wake up. Yawning, he looks up at Matt and smiles "Hey..."

The something seems to snap inside him and he growls, "Get out"

Peetrs expression changes into confusion, "Matt-?"

"Get the fuck out of my room!" Matt yells at him shaking, holding back tears of anger and fear.

Peter crawls over his legs (Matt is slightly relieved that he's not entirely naked, which indicates it didn't go too far) and quickly gets dressed as Matt glares at his covers. The door opens and shuts a few seconds later, and silence fills the room once again.

He hits his legs yelling and let's the tears out, hugging his knees and pressing his face into them. He felt disgusting. Matt doesn't know if it went any further than he remembers. He just knows it was wrong. How could he face his parents in a few days knowing he made out with a guy? They'd kill him on the spot.

Someone sits on the edge of his bed. Lucas speaks gently "Just let it out...it's going to be okay" and pata his arm. Matt sniffs and slowly looks at him still crying. He doesn't look disgusted or horrified. He seems...sympathetic.

"I know you're confused about what you did with him, I was too when I came in late and I saw you two. But Matt...it's fine. I know you don't think so because you're having a break down over finding him in your bed, but it's okay if you like dudes. And I won't tell anyone because I'm not an asshole"

Matt laughs slightly at the last comment then sighs "Thanks...I guess...but I almost...we almost...did we...?"

"You didn't have sex if that's what you're asking. You both kinda passed out after stripping off and eating each others face. I feel sorry for your future partner"

He cringes and notices how Lucas used a gender neutral term instead of wife "You watched?"

"I'm not a creep Matthew, Jesus!" His roommate says laughing. "And I dont fetishise gay dudes, mostly because I'm a member of the LGBT community myself as you know" 

"I'm not gay"

"Says the guy who made out with Peter Simmonds and couldn't even make it to third base"

Matt hits him with his pillow. "Fuck you"

"Mm maybe later" Lucas winks but smiles gently. Matt knows he's joking and he knows his roommate loves to wind him up sometimes. At least he doesn't feel as awful anymore. "So you're bi?"

"No...I...I don't think so. I know you don't believe me but...I don't think I'm Bi"

Lucas nods "Whatever floats your boat Lloyd. Now, I should be pissed you stole my alcohol but I'll let it slide because of what it made you do. Though I think you should apologise to Peter at some point. He's leaving tonight and I think you scared him"

Matt looks away. He knows he should, but the thought of seeing him right now doesn't bring a great feeling.

"When you're ready that is" Lucas gets off his bed and walks back to his side, picking up his tie and putting it on. "Get dressed! ...Wow I'm starting to sound like you" He sits down in his bed a little harder than he should and smirks "And I never thought Matthew Lloyd would be a bottom"

Matt rolls his eyes and starts to get dressed into his uniform, swallowing the vomit that starts to rise up his throat. He feels sick, knowing how much he messed everything up. Peter probably hates him, and all it takes is one slip up for everyone to know. He's in deep water now.

Chapter Text

"Its fine to like guys, Matthew, but don't hit on me or anything" Lucas says playfully. Matt knows that Lucas is just joking around purposefully to piss him off, but his emotions get the best of him.

"Well, it's not like you're actually a guy Lucas!" As soon as the words escape Matt's mouth he regrets them. Lucas' face immediately drops and changes into a hurt expression.

"Shit...Lucas I didn't mean it. I'm sorry"

But his roommate doesn't answer, shaking his head and grabs his bag angrily from his bed. He ignores Matt, and leaves the room slamming the door behind him. Matt groans and hits his head back against the wall.

Why is everything falling apart right now?

He's known since their first year, when Lucas had changed for bed and Matt noticed something about him. So he asked and Lucas explained what he was going through and what he felt. Matt was confused. He didn't understand why or how, but he was okay with it. Ever since then he's accepted Lucas and kept his secret. Him bringing it up is a shitty thing to do. He's always found that his anger gets the best of him, and it often causes him to say things he doesn't mean to.

Shutting his eyes, he sighs and tries to take his mind off it. But nothing good comes to him.

It was a hot Tuesday afternoon, and both boys had been hiding inside from the sun. There was no school as it was the Easter holidays, so Matt had invited his friend over to his house.

Both boys stare at the ceiling , laying on Matt's bed on their backs not talking. His room was painted a light blue, with a pinboard  hanging by his bed which had pictures of his friends and nature, and school stuff pinned on it. Everything was neat and tiny, but his room always felt empty .

"Why are you such a neat freak?" Elliot asks smiling " I'm not used to being able to see a floor . My roommate makes a mess if I tidy so I gave up"

"I just like knowing where stuff is. Things unorganized bother me, but you get used to it if you live with Lucas. I keep my side tidy and let him do whatever he wants with his side"

Elliot lets out a soft, genuine laugh and Matt smiles. Elliots laugh was contagious. Well, to Matt at least. It made him happy whenever he heard it.

The curly haired boy turned his head to look at him, staring for a few seconds like he was deciding something, before rolling over to face him entirely , shuffling closer. " You're my closest friend, you know that?"

"Yeah..."

He was so close he could feel his breath. Matt's heart skips a beat, heat rising up his neck. Elliot glanced down at his lips before back up to meet his eyes, almost asking permission. Matt watched perplexed, but doesn't move away. He knew he should've, but the boy was so mesmerising.

So Elliot leaned closer and gently kissed him , stroking his cheek comfortingly.

And after a few seconds Matt kissed back.

Butterflies fluttered around his chest and he keeps kissing, hoping it would never end. He wasn't friends with Elliot in the same way he was with Nadia or Peter or Lucas, but he was the only one that ever seemed to understand him. He had never felt this way before with anyone.

Suddenly , the door opened and his dad screamed "What the fuck do you think you're doing?! Get the fuck out of my house!"

"Father!" Matt leaped away from his friend , dread quickly replacing the newfound emotions. His dad glared daggers at the two boys, and Elliot leaves quickly without another word.

Once Elliot had left , Matt quickly tried to clear up the situation. He hated how his voice wavered in fear. He had never seen his dad so angry at him.  "Father I'm sorry. We were ju-"  The boy is cut off by the sharp sting of a slap across his face. Tear stung his eyes as he lowers his gaze ashamed, but he could not cry in front of his dad.

"I did not raise a faggot Matthew!" His dad had growled, "What did we teach about temptation? That boy was trying to tempt you into sinning, and you gave in? What will your mother think? What would God think of you? You're fucking disgusting "

Matt bit his lip silently, forcing back his tears. He knew his father was right, but there was something about his friends gentle blue eyes and soft lips that stayed with him. Haunted him almost. But he knew he had sinned, and he would have to pray his sins away until the plague had lifted from his conscience .

He felt how he was told he was.

Disgusting.

That was the last time he saw Elliot. He was transferred to a different school by the end of Easter break and he never saw him again.

Matts parents sent him to church to be counselled, and fixed. It didn't work in the way intended, but the judgment on everyone's faces made him nauseous. It made him feel like he was just a piece of dirt on their clean floor. He cried and begged his dad not to tell anyone, that he would find Gods light again, that he would turn away from his own sins. So he repressed every last feeling, putting on an act that just hid how scared and insecure he really felt. He felt alone in this world. No one had ever understood him.

Matt can't go through that again. He can't face the disappointment in his mother's eyes, or the outburst of anger from his father. The disapproving looks of people who claim to have never sinned before. The slurs hurled at him. The sleepless nights. The self hate and disgust he constantly felt.

Maybe this is why God stopped answering his prayers. Maybe this is his punishment. Maybe all of this is his punishment.

And right now, he feels like he deserves it.

-

Matt glances around at his peers as they all hug and talk to say their goodbyes. He looks over at the group of people he would consider his friends and pauses, his chest tightening. Peter hugging Nadia goodbye, Lucas cracking a joke with Rory and Tanya as he waits for his mum, and no sign of Jason or Ivy.

Peter giggles softly in her arms, then looks up and makes direct eye contact with him. Matt looks away immediately feeling sick. I fucked up. He thinks as he starts to walk towards the car park, holding back a fit of coughs that squeezed his lungs. Guilt, regret and disgust seem to be the only things he can process at the moment. His father's words echo around in his mind.

He's literally dying because he's in love with a girl, but he also almost slept with his equally lovesick friend last night. He snapped at his roommate who probably hates him now, and Peter probably thinks he hates him because he's too ashamed of himself to even look at him. Amd now he has to live with these feelings for two weeks around his strict Christian parents who would murder him if they knew.

"Matthew" The gruff voice of his father knocks him out of his thoughts.

This will be a fun holiday.

-
"I'll talk to Jason. He's being a dick again, but I'm sure he doesn't hate you" Nadia smiles as she hugs Peter. Peter let's a soft giggle out hugging back.

He looks up, and his heart stops as he makes eye contact with Matt.

He felt guilty over what he did. Maybe he wasn't as drunk as Matt so he was slightly more aware if what he was doing last night. That's what made it worse. He couldn't help himself when Matt kissed him and let himself go under every touch. Peter wouldn't let it go too far, but Matt had actually passed out fairly quickly anyway.

It was a mistake. They were drunk and pining after someone else, so they were just confused. That's all. Matt's straight, he wouldn't have kissed him if he was sober. Right?

Peter is certain that Matt didn't mean for things to turn out like they did, but some part of him recalls just how genuine it seemed.

"See you in two weeks!" She smiles, and he waves goodbye as he heads towards the car park. His mum will be here in about 5 minutes, and soon he'll be able to try and figure out what to do about this whole mess. Matt probably hates him now. All his relationships are falling apart, and he has no idea how to fix any of it.

Sitting down on the railings, Peter sighs hugging himself. Easter break is two weeks long, and in that time he could figure out what to do about this. Maybe the break is ling enough for them to forgive him anyway? Maybe Jason will have calmed down enough to talk about everything with him?

His mum's car pulls up in front of him, and he jumps in putting on a happy smile. "Hi mum"

"Got everything together?" She asks, and he nods just wanting to go home. Without another word, they pull out of the car park and drive back home.

Chapter Text

The journey home in the car is quiet, a static tension already building up inside the car as Matt stares out the window distantly. He'd much rather stay at school than have to be home, especially after his guilty conscience keeps reminding him of his sin. He was always scared that his parents could read minds and that they'd find out if he thought about it. Pushing the memory away, he shuts his eyes and leans his head against the window, hoping the holiday would be over soon.

Not realising he had fallen asleep in the first place, Matt jolts awake as his dad beeps the horn to signal the family of their arrival. Megan and his mum come outside and rush over to hug him as he groggily gets out the car with his bag and stretches. They pull him into a tight hug, and he smiles even if he feels like his bones are being crushed. His dad heads indoors without saying anything.

"Matt, hey! You've gotten bigger!"

"Chris?" Matt stares at his brother as he makes his way over, "It's been so long, how are you?"

"I'm fine, thank you. How's school?"

Literal hell on earth. "It's good. Graduating soon"

"Aww, you've grown up so fast" He laughs, patting him on the shoulder as a greeting, "Let's go inside so you can unpack"

Matt smiles and follows him, but a part of him dreads stepping inside the house. The last time he was here it was the Christmas holidays, and he ended up crying himself to sleep Christmas night after spending the day with the entire family. He walks inside and heads upstairs to his room, walking in and sitting by the bed. It's just as he left it. He quickly unpacks his bag, placing the clothes in his closet, before taking his report out his bag and staring at it. The brown envelope taunts him. All he can do is pray that the grades are good.

Heading downstairs, Matt walks into the living room and hands the envelope to his mother. She is strict too, but at least she is less explosive than his father. She rips the envelope open and looks down at the grades, eyes pausing on two Bs he got. Their eyes meet and Matt's heart suddenly feels like it dropped out of his chest. "They're good, but what happened here?"

"I ran out of time. I spent too long on one question. O-on both exams"

His dad walks over and glances down at it, before shaking his head, "You can do better than that boy. No excuses"

"I'm sorry..." He looks down at the floor frowning. The truth is, his grades have been slipping ever since Ivy's birthday because he just can't focus. She won't talk to him, he doesn't even know of they're still together. And this disease is rapidly growing inside him. The thought you may die soon of a broken heart is rather distracting.

Megan sighs and grabs his arm, pulling him over to the couch and giving him a smile. She has been off school for the past month due to the flu, but she looks better now. Walking over the the tv, she turns the wii on and brings back two remotes. Matt takes his and smiles as she puts on Mario karts. She could always tell whe he was upset. In a way, Nadia reminds him of her. Maybe that's why they're good friends.

Later that evening, they sit down for dinner, and their dad says grace. "Dear God, we thank you for this lovely meal we about to have. We hope that you watch over us and make sure we don't fall from your light. And we pray that you help us through these coming months ahead. Amen"

As they start to eat, Matt can't help but feel like his dad knew what he had done. Why would he say that if he didn't? He takes a shaky breath and starts to eat to distract himself from the anxiety building up.

"So, Matthew, have you joined any clubs or extracurricular activities this semester?" Their mum asks.

Matt hesitates, knowing he can't tell them that he's in the school play. They didn't take the news well every year before this, so he might as well stop trying. "Um...not exactly. I have been going to my English class at lunch time to help tutor other people"

"Writing? That's it? No sports?" His father looks up, disappointment in his eyes. Couldn't think of a better lie than English tutoring? Idiot.

"I-"

"You're such a pansy, Matthew. I don't understand how you got a girlfriend in the first place. What does she even see in you, honestly?" Nothing apparently. "Are you sure you're not a fag?"

He hated how he automatically flinched, stomach twisting in guilt "No father, I'm not like that"

"Then why are you taking activities like writing and drama? They're for girls. Are you a girl?"

"No father"

"Then why is there nail varnish on your thumb? Why take feminine activities instead of sports or woodworks like a real man?"

Matt looks at his plate silent, holding back the tears beginning to prick in his eyes. The words replay in his head over and over. Be a real man, Matt. A real man doesn't cry. He doesn't do acting. He doesn't let his friend paint his nails. He doesn't kiss boys.

"Why can't you be more like your brother?" His dad grumbled into his plate. Christopher looked up from the beans he was pushing around with a fork and gives Matt an apologetic look. Matt was always lucky that his brother didn't act as if he was better than him like how his dad thought. He doesn't know what he'd do if he had to deal with two Jasons.

"Nadia wanted to paint my nails as a joke...I'll remove it after dinner" Matt responds quietly, bowing his head and finishing his dinner despite not feeling hungry anymore. His dad grunts, but doesn't reply.

The rest of dinner is silent, the awkwardness and unresolved tension left hanging in the air. Matt finishes as he tries to push away the nausea building up. He can't tell if it's what his dad said, or if it's his disease. He's glad when they're excused from the table and is allowed to retreat to his room.

He lays on his bed staring at the ceiling as his eyes sting, hot tears trailing down his face. Why. Why can't life just go his way for once?

He shuts his eyes, breathing gently to try and calm down, but his mind begins to wander in the worst direction. Peter flashes across his mind with his fluffy hair and beautiful eyes. The way his body is always so warm. Ths way his lips felt against his own-

His phone vibrating snaps him out of his thoughts. Matt leans over to the table and picks it up, looking at the notification on the lock screen. His heart skips a beat seeing Peter's name and that he has left 3 messages.

Peter: Hey Matt, I just want to apologise for the other night. I was drunk and read the situation wrong. I don't want things to be awkward between us.

Peter: I've enjoyed the past week together. You've been a great friend I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable

Peter: Can we forget it happened?

Matt sighs and replies to the message immediately, ignoring the shame he feels and the small shadow of guilt. Some part of him feels like ignoring Peter would be a better idea. If you purge the source of the sin then you can't be tempted to sin again. But he just can't do that.

He deletes scared.

Matt sighs. Their kiss has changed everything, but he still can't find the heart to push Peter away. If Matt can have self control their friendship can continue as it is. As a friendship. Nothing else.

Peter: I'm glad :)

Peter: Thank you

Placing his phone back on the side, Matt sighs and rolls over to face the wall. Sometimes he wishes he could just disappear. And sometimes he feels as if no one would even noticed if he did. A lot of the time it feels like no one can see him. And when they do, it's only when he messes something up. Sometimes he wonders how he hasn't driven away all his friends, then he thinks back to Lucas and wonders if there's a chance to fix what he said. He didn't mean it, he was just scared and overwhelmed. It always happens. Matt has always been afraid, though, that one day he'll say something he can't take back, and ruin everything permanently.