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It's just fucking embarrassing.
You are Dave Strider for fucksake - a shitty comic genius with ice cold swordsmanship, advanced rap skills and the ability to MESS WITH FREAKING TIME - and you have come up with fuck all. It's a disgrace to the Strider name. Not that that means much nowadays; the only other Strider in existence can't think of anything good either and he is a goddamn rocket scientist.
Really, fuck the both of you.
Maybe John is right, he's better at this pranking stuff.
No, wait. You did not just say that. You did not just admit the John is better than you at something. There is no way Egderp is better than you at anything. At all. Like nothing. Ever.
Urgh, pouring apple juice on John's head sounds like the best idea you can come up with right now. And Jake's, cuz he went along with John and his stupid antics. But that would be a waste of your precious apple-flavoured ambrosia and you would never. Well, maybe. Depending how bad your mood is.
You heave yourself up off the floor of Dirk's room, pulling out your headphones and throw your iphone on the bed. Dirk is at his desk, tinkering around with some mechanical bullshit that you don't understand or care about as you slouch up to him and rest your arms on his shoulders, dropping your chin on his head. His hair is soft and tickling as he moves under you.
'Dude, what.' He says flatly, reaching for a screwdriver with one hand.
'I am about to dump sweet favoured juice all over our favourite J's cuz I have come up with fuck all to get them back and it's a disgrace. Bro, I am seriously thinkin' of turn in my cool kid badge soon, it is getting that bad. We need to do something.'
He snickers and tightens some random screw.
'Bro, dude, come on, you can play with your shitty robots later let's go mess with them.' You are almost whining now and you shake his shoulders like a child.
He sighs and the metal in his hands clinks when he puts it down, buckling under the weight of your demand. He tries to elbow you in the stomach as he stands and you dodge grinning. In return you take quick kick at his ankles when he walks towards the door and dash around him.
You miss and he smacks you on the back of the head when you try to pass. Your hands snaps out and you pull his fringe before freezing him in time and trying to make a get away. Your Bro obviously anticipated it cuz you run smack into one of his consciousness clones. It grabs you and you lose your focus on real Dirk and he unfreezes. Shit. You stop the clone this time and dart out of its arms.
A literal shit storm of flash-stepping ensues. It's like a fucking ninja party all up in here minus the throwing star and he chases you down the corridors of the ship. You block a kick with your forearm and shoulder open the rec room door – they're not in there.
The pursuit continues.
They are probably in the room with all those fucking beanbags, so you brace yourself on the wall and push away, flipping over Dirk and almost crashing into the wall of the stairwell you are aiming for, but you recover at the last second, leaping up stairs two at a time - Your bro hot on your heels.
The door to the room is in view after you are chased up 3 flights of stairs and you glance back only to duck outta the way when Dirks fist comes flying towards where your face was half a second ago. It smashes into the door of the BB room and it flies open, revealing two extremely startled occupants.
You would laugh at their expressions but you are currently trying to catch your breath, bend double at the lip of the doorway. That's okay though cuz Dirk ain't in much better shape.
'Dudes what the fuck.' 'WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU STRIDERS DOING? I ALMOST HAD A FLIPPING HEART ATTACK!'
Jake is clearly the most startled one here and you pride yourself on having the less scared boyfriend. Mind you John is probably more used to surprise entrances - given that his father was always bursting into his room brandishing a freshly baked confectionaries at random hours of the day. When you manage to get your lungs back into relatively normal function you straighten up, nudging Dirk in the side when you step further in. Dirk flicks you on the ear as he follows you.
John and Jake are curled up together on a massive-ass blue and red striped bean bag, practically sitting on each other laps, legs all tangled up together as they bend over the tablet in John's lap. They are staring at you and Dirk, probably trying to work out what the fuck is going on and why Dirk felt the need to punch his way through the door.
...
They look really cute all cuddled up together, all dark hair and tanned skin, and it makes something flare in you. Something like jealously but it's not pure, it's muddied by something. Arousal.
You shrug.
'Nothin' much, just nerd hunting.' You say overly casual, shoving your hands into your jean pockets 'And oh my god, Bro look, we've hit the jackpot this time, two prime specimens right in front of us, praise the aj gods.'
John just narrows his eyes at you, then flicks them over to Dirk and back again. Something must have shown on your face and he had noticed. Shit.
He gets this real sly look on his face and you know you're in for it now - you can only watch as he leans over to Jake, closer and closer, until his lips are just brushing the shell of Jake's ear. You can physically feel Dirk still next to you. Jake doesn't pull away.
John whispers something to a surprised looking English, whose face changes into something which you can only describe as a leer his bright green eyes lighting up and darting between you and your Bro. Oh fuck, fuck they are in it together. You are so fucked.
Jake shuffles closer to John, winding his arms round John's shoulders as John places one hand on English's thigh, just under the edge of his shorts and the other curls round the back of his neck, sifting into the dark hair at the nap of his neck. They both stare at you and Dirk out the corner of their eyes, John runs his tongue over his top lip as Jake's hands tighten round him.
Uh, okay. Woah, that is hot. Really fucking hot. I mean, you are totally jealous right now but the sight in front of you is fucking off the charts.
You think Dirk agrees cuz you hear the sharp little intake of breath he makes.
John guides Jake's face towards him, kissing English ever so softly on the cheek and your hands clench into fists in your pockets. Keep it cool dude, you think desperately, if they win this round it will be 0 to 2 and you really don't think your reputation can take any more blows. You pray that your bro understand this too. Please let him understand.
Jake's lips hover in front of John's for a few seconds and you catch the wink John gives him before he closes the distance. You are literally watching your boyfriend makeout with your brother's boyfriend and that is fucked up on so many levels and smokin' hot on hundreds more. John moves his mouth against Jake's, their glasses click together when he deepens it, then his tongue traces the seam of Jake's lips and you almost moan.
When English parts his lips part for John, Jack Noir could show up, stab you in the chest and you still wouldn't look away. You would just fucking bleed out in the middle of these fucking stupi beanbags, staring at them.
English makes this soft, breathless noise into the kiss and you almost give in. Almost. You see Dirk twitch out the corner of your eye, but he stops, eyes transfixed on the two of them. He is probably in a similar state to you - which is a fucking mess of arousal and jealousy and confusion. John's hand moves, supporting Jake's head as he presses in more forcefully, taking control and Jake makes another one of those noises. John's fingers slip up on Jake's thigh, just tracing the inside of his shorts while English fucking melts into John's arms. Fuckfuckshitfuck this is beyond hot, this is nuclear irradiation level. Somebody call the fucking president cuz shit is going down.
Jake's bottom lip is caught between John's teeth then he pulls back and fuck, fucking, English moans this tiny breathy moan and you're gone. You are about 0.2 seconds slower than your Bro, then you are in front of John, wrenching his face up and smashing your mouth against his.
John is smirking into the kiss and you don't give a shit cuz you can taste him and Jake all mixed up on the tip of your tongue and it is divine. John licks into your mouth, running his tongue along your soft palate before wrapping it round your and sucking.
It should be embarrassing that you knees almost give out but you really can't find it in you to care. Plus Dirk makes a groaning noise and at least you managed to hold in your voice.
...you spoke too soon.
John break the kiss to tug you down into his lap and slip his arms round your waist. You try and work out how to breathe again and look to your Bro in time to see Jake pull his tongue of Dirk's mouth; thin string of saliva joining their lips.
Wow. Uh okay, that is really not helping with the breathing thing.
John's head falls back and he lets out a laugh.
'I told you dude, they were totally imaging us macking on each other.'
'My gosh John, I do believe you are correct. They could have just asked if they wanted a show, couldn't they?' Jake chuckles winking up at Dirk - who honest to god blushes - and peeling one of his hands from under your Bro's shirt to hold out in your direction.
John smacks it in a resounding high five.
Well, shit.
You switch your gaze to Dirk, who looks back flushed and with crooked shades. You have both lost again. Again. To English and Egbert of all fucking people and you can see the despair on his face.
'Anyway' John pats your waist lightly 'Was there anything you wanted dudes? Cuz Jake and I were kinda designing a thing to alchematize later.'
No. There is nothing else. You have been utterly defeated by your dork of a bf.
'Uh, no.' You sliding to the left of John. You feel a bit stunned to be honest, you might need a few moments to process what the fuck just happened. John smiles and presses a kiss to your cheek as Dirk slouches next to Jake, his legs thrown across English's lap, his feet in John's. Jake picks up the tablet again, balancing it on Dirk's shins, already chatting to John about something you are currently incapable of processing.
Their dark-haired heads touch as they both lean over the device again and you are hit by a sudden flash of them kissing again.
You feel the thump your Bro's head makes when it hits the beanbag and you know he saw it it too. Jake and John visibly smirk and Jake presses the lightest kiss to the corner of John's mouth and you groan, flopping back into the soft surface beneath you.
You have been totally destroyed by the nerdiest people you know and the worst thing is you don't give a flying fuck.
Shit.