Work Text:
“No, no.’’ Cas protested with a tired sight and a tip of indignation. ‘’Asmodeus had my phone, you’ve been talking to him.’’
The blow was so quick, so sharp, Dean couldn’t even gasp. It shivered through him viciously before he could gather himself and rolled over it.
Fuck. Cas was kinapped, locked up for weeks and everytime he spoke to him on the phone it wasn’t him, and he didn’t even realize it. The thought made Dean sick and light-headed. A sour taste was burning in the back of his throat.
Christ. But, he should've — He should've realized it wasn’t him.
It took Dean a minute to get himself together and process all the other shit about Lucifer, Michael and apocalypse Cas was telling them.
Dammit all to hell, why can’t they catch a fucking break?
After Sam left the room, Dean walked to the fridge for a beer he didn’t want, but maybe if there was something in his hands they might not shake so bad.
“Want one?” He asked Cas over his shoulder.
“No.’’
To give himself time, Dean took a deliberately slow swallow of his beer, all the while trying to figure out what he was going to say. He drew in a deep breath before turned and walked back to Cas. He stopped at the other side of the table, facing Cas, his stomach clutching and twisting when Cas lifted his head.
Dean let his eyes roam over Cas face. He looked wretched and tired. His dark tousled hair was in worse shape than usual, and he had big, dark circles under his eyes. Causing another shaft of guilt shutting through Dean.
He shifted his weight and thumped nervously with his fingers on the table’s surface. ‘’Look man, I know I fucked it up…’’ Dean began, despising the slight tremble of his voice.
Cas tilted his head, eyes cool and blank... and waited.
‘’It makes me sick thinking about you were in trouble and alone and I didn’t know.’’ Pulling both hands through his hair, starting to pace around the room, Dean continued, “There’s no going back and righting wrongs at this point. But shit, how could I have been so stupid? I should've been suspicious that after telling you everything about Kaia, the empty and Jack, what could've been a reason for you not to come back. But that son of a bitch was so convincing –‘’
Cas face remained stoic as he sighed. “Dean, why are you gnawing at this? I’m here now. Luckily, safe and sound. End of story.” he said, his tone somber but his voice was wavering with something more than exhaustion.
“The hell it is.” Furious, Dean shot back, twirling to face Cas, knocking his fist on the table. Then he took a deep breath. “You know damn well that’s not alright.”
Something sparked in Cas' eyes and when anger was rolling off of him in waves, Dean swallowed hard. "Cas, I feel like a fucking idiot. I – I should've known, I should’ve realized-- "
"Yes, you should have," Cas interrupted, shocking Dean into silence. The horrified apology that was on the tip of Dean’s tongue dried up as he stared into those stunningly blue but angry eyes.
Cas' eyes flashed a warning when Dean took an unconscious stepped toward him, then he jumped up, turned on his heels and stormed out of the room. And yet, when the door of Cas’ room slammed shut, Dean couldn't help the stab of relief. Cas was going to stay.
But Dean still felt like he wanted to break something. Preferably something sharp that he could stab himself with afterward.
Instead, he strode to the fridge and downed down three beer. Then he opened a bottle of whiskey, musing, maybe he’d drink the whole damn bottle and get himself a nice fizzy buzz. It would be better than thinking, better than hurting. Better even than this simmering anger and self disgust that was still hot in his blood.
Taking the bottle with him, he walked to his room and closed his door, settling in for the night.
By the time he was half through the booze, he felt shit-faced drunk, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t find that place inside, that numbed, untroubled place where he could escape. It seemed like damn Cas could follow him even there.
Dean closed his eyes and thought of the angel behind the other room across his. The angel he’d never believed he could have. The angel, he’d believed dead and for all his prayers and wishes he thought he’d never again have.
Why was he feeling so wretched, so miserable, so worked up? Why was he so angry with Cas, with himself?
Panic, Dean realized. Licks of fear. Worry and angst that he yet again failed Cas, and he’d leave.
And wasn’t that the core of it? The very core of the stewing mess he was feeling- -that there was nothing untroubled about the way he felt about Cas. He felt angry and frustrated and protective, and a great deal possessive. They were all difficult emotions. Untidy emotions. Wonderful emotions.
He looked around his room, registering a mess of his scattered clothing and belongings. Small personal stuffs, touches, details, Dean mused, little things that made a home. And it hit him suddenly and forcefully that he wanted, he needed the bunker to be Cas’ home. Not just a place where Cas spent a few nights or hours at a random time. Not a place where Cas never had or left a single personal thing behind.
Home.
Cas's been his home longer than he realized.
And suddenly he felt sick and tired of playing the game where Cas was only loved and protected in the disguise of his best friend.
He’d failed at a serious relationship once, and had been sure, so sure, that he would never put himself in that position. The position, where he could fail at something so personal and painful again, and though he told himself he’d be content to drift along with the easy flings with no strings - he knows now, he’d been lying to himself almost from the beginning.
Because since the very first day he met Cas, he hadn’t been content and didn’t want to drift. While part of him, the part that was doubts and angst and pride and heart, was wounded every time Cas bailed on him—the other part, the bigger part, never stopped wanting him. And he wanted Cas with everything he got, because there wasn't a fucking inch of him- body, soul and heart- Cas left unclaimed.
And he wanted Cas to confide in him, to share with him every part of his being that had been, that was, that would be. He needed Cas to turn to him when he was troubled or sad, or when he was happy. Hell, he wanted to make Cas happy. He wanted... Dean realized, drawing a slow, steady breath... He wanted even marry him, grow old with him.
He was going to build Cas a tree house. Cas should have a tree house, from where they could watch the stars and sunrise, Cas, being the dork he is, was so fond of. And he’d make a garden for Cas, though the soil needed work, there was a perfect spot for that, behind the bunker. They’d need a garden shed too for Cas’ tools. Well, he would see to those things. He’d see to them because… Shit, he was really bloody hammered and out of his damn mind, Dean admitted, flopping down on the edge of his bed. He hadn’t even told Cas about his feelings, and he was already adding on to the bunker.
Doubt and angst and worry jolted through Dean again. Fear, that when he mentioned, confessed all this, being a full mojoed, badass angel again, Cas would tell him that it wasn’t the kind of thing that he was interested in.
Dragging his hands through his hair, he rose from the bed.
He was going to make Cas interested, Dean decided. And fast. Before another fricking apocalypse gonna fall on their heads.
They were going to have a long due, serious discussion, he and his grumpy angel. And Cas was going to listen, Dean grumbled under his breath.
Calmer now that he’d sorted through his mess, steadying himself, Dean went to the bathroom where he brushed his teeth, and washed his hot face over and over again with frigid water. He needed a clear head-- alright, as clear as he could get, he corrected himself-- when he felt the familiar alcohol induced buzzing rushing through his veins.
The hell with it, Dean thought, his emotions had been on a roller coaster all day. This looked like one more dip.
Then he walked to Cas’ door and without knocking - it’s not like Cas was sleeping or with Cas being a celestial thing ( Cas' words, not his) he couldn't hear Dean approaching - he stepped into Cas' room and shut the door quietly behind him.
,,,,,,,,
Then, he just stood there...and watched Cas from the doorway.
Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed, head bowed, his posture tired and defeated. But when he lifted his head and locked his gaze on Dean, every well-practiced thought leaked out of Dean’s head. The fury in that stare almost buckled his knees.
And as he was staring into those stunningly blue, angry eyes, as it so often happened if it came to Cas, Dean found himself freaking out and incredibly aroused on the same breath, earning him a half hard dick. He swallowed hard, because Castiel, that gorgeous Angel of the Lord, sitting there with a smitting face, eyes blazing with righteous fury … Yeah, that was never not sexy and always a badly timed turn on.
“What do you want Dean?” Cas asked, in that voice, all whiskey and gravel, and how’d anybody blame Dean for now sporting a full boner? And even though Cas looked a split-second from smitting or punching him in the jaw, Dean just really-really badly wanted to push him down on the bed, roll over him and kiss him senseless.
Trying to get his traitorous libido in check, Dean took in and out a slightly hitching breath, and pushed away from the door.
Okay, you can do it. Let’s get it over with.
He stepped toward Cas slowly, testing. But when Cas’ eyes shot daggers at him, Dean stopped cold.
He scowled, jammed his hands in his pockets, shifted. He thought facing all kind of monsters would be easier than saying what he was about to say. They certainly couldn’t choke his throat any less.
“Cas. Buddy.” He said quietly, trying for a voice, carefully picked free of emotions. ‘’I’m sorry. I know I failed you again and I hurt you. And I’m really sorry for that.’’ Dean's tone went from testy to miserable in an instant. “After Lucifer took a ride in your vessel and we got you back, I promised you— I’d never fail you again.” When his voice creaked, mortified, Dean swore under his breath and dragged a hand through his hair. “I—I promised myself, I’d never let you feel again, that you didn’t matter.’’
“Dean, you don’t have to—”
Dean lifted his hand to stop Cas, “No, Cas. Please. If you’d just let me fumble through this. We should have had this conversation a long-long time ago.”
“Sorry. You were saying?” Cas asked with cool eyes and a stoic face.
Scrapping the back of his neck, Dean shifted his weight again. “When you died, and I thought this time it was for real —" Dean's throat constricted just to think about that, “I was totally out of my fucking mind. And I swore if by any miracle I’d have you back, I’d make everything different. Man, we’ve known each other for almost ten years. That’s a long time.”
Cas was staring at him as though he’d lost his mind. And Dean thought that in the light of what he was about to say, it wasn’t out of the question right now. He looked down into his fumbling hands and absolutely horrified, he went on with his speech.
''And I know, that all this time, we’ve got something going on here. I know I said it was just friendship and you were like a brother to me. Which you are, I mean you are my best friend—‘’
“Dean, I can’t—” Cas cut in, ‘’Dean, I died, then I was resurrected back to life. What makes you think, I’m not fed up with all this shit?" Cas tossed the question at Dean, making a small circle with his hand, including him and Dean. ‘’I can’t be anymore— just your friend Dean.”
Dean’s head jerked up at that and his heart jumped into his throat. “Excuse me? Come again?”
“Figure it out.” Cas snapped, shooting up, then he strode briskly toward the door.
Springing forward, Dean shifted into his path, coming up hard, toe-to-toe with him.
“ Dean, keep out of my way.”
“Oh, Hell no,’’ Dean reached out and grabbed Cas’ arm. ‘’I’m in your way because you’re in mine. And it’s long past time to settle this.’’
Cas tried to jerk free and his eyes went from cool to ballistic when Dean snagged his arm. “Don’t mess with me, Dean. Let me go, I have nothing more to say.”
"Oh, I don't think so sunshine, you're-"
"Don't!" Cas interrupted, storm flashing and burning in his eyes, Hell, Dean could even feel the static around him. ’’Don’t call me that.’’
Dean laughed mirthlessly and when Cas started to shove him aside, he pressed him into the wall, "Oh, okay. That's how you wanna play it. Well fuck that. You know what? Fuck you, you stupid, stubborn bastard.” Dean snapped, cupping Cas’ cheeks, feeling the familiar spark under his skin from the touch.
“Dean, what are you doing? Let me go,”
‘’I can’t.’’
"Why the hell not?’’
Miserably frightened, ridiculosly aroused, Dean glared at Cas and wondered if there was another fucking idiot in the world like him, who was about to confess his feelings to somebody whose eyes threatened to murder. He swore under his breath, drew in a deep breath, then hit the bullet.
‘’I can’t let you go because I’m in love with you.’’ He jerked his chin higher, fingers cupping Cas' face a little tighter. “I’m so fucking, so desperately in love with you, Cas.”
Cas’ eyes went wide like a fruit bowl, “Dean…” He gasped.
“Shhh, Just keep quiet,” Dean warned him, “And please don’t interrupt me. I have to say this before I freak out.’’
It had always been so easy to say the words when they didn’t count— when they were just words without the risk and weight, and not these tiny, razor-edged little pellets in his throat.
“I’m in love with you,” Dean said again, his thumbs unconsciously stroking Cas' cheeks. “It probably happened the second I met you, when you stormed into that barn and frightened the shit out of me, maybe even before. I don’t know.”
“Oh, Dean,” Cas murmured.
But Dean found it difficult to hear anything but the roaring in his head. “No one’s ever needed me except Sam. I’ve never wanted anyone to need me except him. It gets in the way. But I want that from you. I want you to need me, because I need you. Because I’ve never loved anybody the way I love you, and this terrible need I have for you is making me crazy."
Cas was breathing heavily, looking wild, but his voice was soft and unsteady as he said his name again.
“Dean,”
And then Dean found himself swirled, the heel of Cas’ hand pressed to his chest, hard, as he was shoved against the door, and then Cas attacked his lips.
...........
That lush, hot mouth opened over his and Dean moaned, low and deep, helpless to resist. It wasn’t a sweet, slow or unsure kind of first kiss. It was bordering on uncontrolled.
He let out a startled gasp, and Cas used that as an excuse to slide his tongue into Dean's mouth and lick the inside of Dean's teeth. He wrapped one of his arms around Dean’s waist to pull him in closer, the other running up to tangle in Dean’s hair, one of his knees going between Dean’s legs as he pressed even closer. And whoa...being handled like this by his angel, Dean couldn't help the whole body shudder.
Each time their lips met, it was deeper and hotter. Each time their bodies pressed it was tighter and truer. The crazy roaming and clutching of their hands, the brush of fingertips, the hungry bit of teeth and the possessive sucking of their lips, and Dean’s body quivered as his arousal wound impossibly high.
When they pulled apart Dean’s breath was tearing at his lungs. He put his hands on either side of Cas’ face, feeling the hotness and slight stubble under his palms.
When his eyes flickered up, Cas was already looking at him, lips parted, swollen and wet, impossibly blue eyes blazing into his. Burning bright, burning for him.
"Cas.” Dean gasped with a hitch in his breath.
Dazed with love, they watched each other, listening to the frantic rhythm of their hearts, the heaviness of their breath. Do Angel need to breath, Dean wondered slightly amazed as Cas’ sigh merged with his, his chest rose and fell in synchron with his.
He lifted a hand to card his fingers through Cas’ messy hair, then pressed his lips to the crown of Cas' hair. Dean felt like a warm, comfortable blanket were draped over him when Cas' strong arms came up from his sides and encircled him in a tight hug.
“I can’t change the past, Cas,” he murmured into Cas' hair, “But we can make the future. Our future. Together. Do you understand how much I need you?’’
And Dean knew by the way Cas’ eyes and face had gone soft and dreamy, that he did.
“I thought it was all me. It’s gotten so huge and overwhelming. These feelings.'' Cas rumbled into Dean's neck. ''At first I didn’t understand them. I’ve never thought I’d feel like this. It’s never happened to me before. Let me plead inexperience.”
“Yeah, your fricking angel brainwashing and coding.” Dean grumbled, pulling Cas tighter against him, thinking he’d crawl inside him if he could. (But on a second thought, he could do that, couldn't he? But where would it leave them?) Instead, he slid his hands up to cup the back of Cas neck and drew him in for an other searing kiss.
“I’m sorry,” breathless, he whispered against Cas lips, “I know, I haven’t bothered to give you much reason to believe how important you are to me, but Cas, if you'd give me a chance—” Dean gripped Cas wrists “— I could make it work. We could make it work. Come on, Cas, take a risk.”
“Yes.”
Dean’s grip on Cas’ wrists went lax. “Yes, what?” He asked baffled.
“Why do we have such a hard time hearing each other?” Cas asked. “Listen up,” he ordered, and kissed Dean so firmly that it made Dean's already scattered brain more dizzy.
“Just like that? You’re not going to think about it?” Dean panted when Cas lifted his head to look up at him, and Dean found the ability to speak.
“No.”
“Good. Great.” More than a lttle dazed, Dean said. "You want to move into my room? We could, ah, t-take care of… it. Take care of it today or I dunno... tomorrow. Whatever. Yo-you want that don't you? Or you want time… or something?”
“No. I don’t. Dean, you’re stuttering.”
“No, I’m not.” Dean stepped back when Cas’ lips turned upward into that half smile- the one - that always made Dean's knees a little weak. It soo wasn't a fair play. “I just didn’t expect you to take the jump so quick.”
“Dean, if you’re trying to change your mind, forget it.''
Before Dean could evade him, (Ha! Like Dean's ever had the power to do that) Cas clasped his arms around Dean’s neck, linking his fingers. “Say it again.” Eyes glittering, expression serious, Cas demanded. “Look at me straight-on and say it again.”
Dean took Cas' face between his palms and getting lost in those endless, shinning blues, seeing the emotions softening Cas' features, the words were spilling of Dean's lips and he no longer felt foolish. “I love you. I’m so very much in love with you, Cas. There’s nothing I want more than to go on loving you and needing you for the rest of my messed up life.” The thrill of the true meaning and potentials of his own words made something hot bubble up in Dean's chest, then it sprinted through him and settled, warm and easy. “You could get used to saying it, too.”
''I'm a quick study, Dean.'' Cas grumbled with a smile in his eyes, with the curve of those luscious lips. “I love you, Dean.” He said in a low voice. Then he leaned his head until his lips brushed the shell of Dean's ear. "I have loved you from the very second I laid my eyes on you and I always will." He whispered into Dean's ear, the hotness of his breath causing a hot shiver down Dean's spine, so sharp that Dean's breath stuttered for a long moment before he'd regain it with a huge intake of air.
Cas pressed a kiss to the space below Dean's ear, "I've never stopped loving you," he continued, his lips sliding down over the side of Dean's cheek, and Dean could feel the words against his skin, making his heart hammering in his ribs, his pulse rushing wildly in his ears. ’'I can no more stop loving you than you, humans…’’ Cas empathized with a small twitching of his lips, '’could stop breathing.’’
Feeling hot and wanting and utterly overwhelmed, “It’s going to get complicated,” Dean said with hoarse, shaking voice and gathering Cas close, he held him. Just held him. “Our life’s going to be messy, with all the dangers breathing down our neck.”
“With the way we live, it’s never going to be not messy or easy Dean.” Eyes closed, Cas nuzzled at Dean’s neck. “But come what may, you must know, I'll be happy as long as I'm with you. Anywhere.''