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Sam recognized the look. He’d seen and felt it hundreds of times before, and after a quick consideration he judged it better if he kept his mouth shut, because he knew better than to press when Dean got in such a mood.
When Dean’s gaze shifted from Cas to him, the fury pulsing in his brother’s eyes almost buckled Sam’s knees. He could feel the frustration and anger leaking out of Dean, sliding into the stone and the air itself around them, making it crackle with tension.
‘’If we can't open the door, then I should never have come back.’’ Dean roared, his voice booming across the room, echoing off the walls.
Sam winced and swallowed hard, rendered speechless by the intensity of Dean’s outburst. Hell, he could almost feel his blood slow, go sluggish and his stomach twisting into tight, slick knots.
He looked sideways at Cas where he stood, and Sam knew from the way the angel’s shoulders slumped, the way his head bowed, and when their eyes met, he knew by the look in Cas’ eyes; that he felt the same guilt and defeat what was cursing through him. But Sam caught the flash of hurt too, that run through Cas' face in response to his brother’s words. And no matter how righteous Dean’s anger was, Sam just really wanted to kick him in the ass to putting that kicked puppy look, again, into Cas’ eyes.
But when Dean’s eyes flicked back to Cas’ face, he must have caught it too. Because though Dean's face still flushed and eyes still blazed with anger that jarred, his expression changed, and Sam could observe how much his brother was struggling to get himself under control and not unleash the full storm of his wrath--and Sam knew, it was for the sake of Cas.
But obviously, all that rage needed an outlet to go, so maybe Sam wasn’t so much surprised after all when Dean swiped the table clear of it’s content. Better than punch or threw him or Cas around. Still, Sam couldn't help the involuntary shiver at such a display of outrage when Dean roared.
‘’The son of a bitch. Every time-- ‘’ turning his back on them, Dean clutched the back of his head, then dragged his hands through his hair as he went on in a tight, measured voice, ‘’Every time we get close, it always falls apart. Every fricking time.’’
And Sam’s heart stuttered, then crept up to lodge in his throat because there, in the charged quiet, he could hear and almost taste the struggle, the panic, the licks of fear, the desperation and the constant, bleeding present of defeat that coated his brother’s voice.
Sam’s throat was so tight he knew, he wouldn't be able to push a word through, even if his life dependent on it. So, this is why he had to give Cas a credit when he declared.
‘’Dean,‘’ Cas grated, then he was silent for a moment. And when he spoke, there was a fierceness in his voice, a fiery determination, that Sam had to admire, even as he wondered at it. ‘’We will find Gabriel. We will.’’
‘ We’d better.’’ Dean’s voice was clipped, his shoulders painfully stiff.
Sam knew there wasn't much to say after that. Dean needed time to chill, to calm down, and Sam knew from long experience it might take a while, and maybe a few drinks, before Dean was reasonable enough again to speak about a plan. So, without another word he turned to leave the room.
Sweeping past by Cas, the angel’s eyes were still glued on his brother's back. His eyes still jittering with guilt and Sam knew with pain over his brother’s struggle. He sent Cas a sympathetic look and clasped him quickly on his shoulder, then walked down the hallway to his room.
He was halfway on his way when realized, he let his laptop in the room, and if he wanted to start on forming some plan on how to find Gabriel, he might need that. So, he turned back, and he was about to enter the room again, but there was time enough to hear Dean’s voice, cold and hard as he snapped at Cas.
‘’Something on your mind? Spit it Cas. Don’t hold back on my account.’’ and Sam stopped dead on the spot at the edginess in Dean’s voice. He watched from the doorway the tight -lipped snarl on his brother’s face, he had very well known.
Dean was facing Cas now, the two of them having one of their infamous glaring matches. And Sam might have gone into the room and might have picked up his laptop and left. He might have done that. But there was something in Dean’s face-- hard and set, eyes narrowed-- that made him to stay, in case, Cas might need his help against Dean’s obviously still simmering anger.
So, not wanting to disturb them but ready to intervene if needed, he rooted himself behind the door.
“I’ve got a lot on my mind.” Cas retorted, voice cool, but Sam saw that his eyes lit on with a flick of anger.
‘’Hit me.’’ Dean blurted out, too loud, to rough for Sam's taste.
When Cas shifted into Dean’s path, Sam was genuinely surprised. Sure like hell, he wouldn't dare to get within an arm reach to his brother, when he was vibrating with anger like this. But Cas has never really accomplished the meaning of personal space, anyway not, when it came to Dean. So, Cas just tilted his head and studied his brother’s face for a couple of seconds before he spoke.
‘’I understand your anger Dean. I understand your frustration. As you’d say we fucked up...But it never occurred to me, as I’m sure it did not to Sam either, that Gabriel might say no, and just take off after he got his strengths back.’’
To that Dean grumbled something under his breath, what from this distance, Sam couldn't quite catch. But he couldn't agree more with Cas’ statement. And though on one hand he’d understand that after eight years of torture and imprisonment Gabriel wanted a break from everything involving violence, on the other hand, he couldn't help the stab of betrayal in his chest and the sharp sting of disappointment.
Chin jutted out in a stubborn angle, eyes full of power and yet, something, something gentle and soft, Cas kept his eyes locked with Dean’s with that intensity Sam honestly couldn't understand how his brother could stand.
‘’And though, it might seem too stupid and sentimental to you now, I’m absolutely sure, if it was about Sam, you wouldn't be able to see your brother suffer either, and you’d have done the same to lessen his pain.‘’ Cas told Dean in a quiet but firm tone.
“What the hell, Cas,” Furious, Dean slapped his palm on the table as iron cold chilled his eyes again. ‘’It’s not the same.’’ He snapped. ‘’Don’t you dare mention that piece of shit on the same page as Sam. No matter the crap what our fucked up life threw on him, even with demon blood burning through his vein, Sam always came through, and he’d never abandoned us, not when he could help it. Not once, did he throw his dick back between his legs and run away from dangers like that.’’ Dean snapped, and Sam felt his chest tightening at the fierce protectiveness and pride in his brother’s voice with a feeling, he couldn't even name.
‘'Yes, You’re right. Sam is the most compassionate and big hearted man I’ve ever in my long life encountered.’’ Cas answered with a smile, holding Dean’s angry gaze without a flinch. ‘’And you must know, how lucky I consider myself to call him my brother, as well I’m sure you know, that I wouldn't hesitate, not for a second to give my life for his.’’
And though Sam knew this, of course he did, Cas proved it over and over again in the span of the last ten years of their lives, but hearing it out loud, he still couldn't help the swell of something big and hot in his chest, and the prickle of wetness in his eyes. Christ, but he loved this grumpy motherfucker Angel of the lord.
‘'That’s your problem, Cas. Your fucking, big, forgiving heart.’’ Dean grumbled, and his eyes lightened and shifted to something soft and fond as they roamed over Cas’ face.
And maybe Sam shouldn’t be surprised, he really shouldn't be-- after all the heated and longing looks he witnessed between these two -- but he realized, that he was. Because witnessing his hard core, bad ass brother melting into a poodle while he obviously got lost in those incredible blues, was really a sight to behold.
Curious and amused, Sam watched the way Dean tucked his restless hands into his jean’s pockets, then pulled them out just to jam them back in again, like a nervous teenager boy on his first date, and it was a wow, like a big, loud, really Wow. Because obviously, Cas, the sole person in this world, just had this effect on his brother.
‘’As you human tend to say Dean, you can’t choose your family.’’ Cas answered to Dean's statement with a vaguely annoyed and vaguely soft smile. ‘’And speaking of family... You know, it’s not like you waited for me before you charged through that drift. What do you think I felt when I realized, that you went into that dangerous world after Marry and Jack, without waiting for me to get back?’’
‘’Of course, I didn't wait for you, Cas.’’ Dean huffed, clenching his hands into fists and taking in a deep breath. ‘’Course I didn't...’’ he repeated. ‘’That was one of the reason for my rush. You can’t really believe, that after everything--’’ Dean’s voice dipped and he stopped for a long pause before he continued, ‘’I’d go through that again. That I'd fucking risk your life again when I’ve just got you back.’’ He finished, and Sam heard the hurt that came with those words, regardless how quickly and easily his brother tried to dispatch it.
With a sudden tightness in his chest, Sam’s mind shifted to those dark days after Cas’ most recent death. Pictures, words of his brother broken-- completely and for the first time in Sam’s live, irrecoverably and utterly broken-- played through his mind, until he was jammed back to the present by Cas' reply.
‘’So, you are telling me, you have the right to make choices and decisions you know very well I won’t agree with, but I don’t.’’ Cas said with a tip of indignation. ‘’It’s all right for you to behave recklessly and make rushed decisions without thinking it properly through. And it's alright for you to risk your life in the name of protecting mine, but if I, or Sam do the same, it’s different.’’
‘’Don’t fuck my words with me, Cas.’’
‘’I’m not fucking--’’ Cas started, then he trailed off and let out a long sight. ‘’It was our choice. It might seem as a mistake now, but it just might be that under the same circumstances, I would do the same again. Because like it or not, Gabriel is my brother. And for that, I could not, and will not let him suffer, not if I could help it. And just because he behaved most selfishly and decided not to join us, it doesn't mean I should give up on him. Maybe you should also remember, that he did help us before.’’ Cas’ eyes lit, but he spoke with measured tone when he added. ‘’And I don’t appreciate you casting a blame on me and Sam for something, were you in our shoes, I’m not sure you would’ve done any differently.’’
“Of course there’s blame, because it was a stupid, fucked up decision.” Dean shot back.
‘’That’s exactly what I was speaking about, your attitude--’’
‘’That’s the attitude I’ve got.’’ Dean cut in, shouting now. ‘’You’re welcome to accept it, or you’re welcome to fuck off.”
Cas’ back jammed straight and Sam saw the hurt streaking through his eyes before it hardened and narrowed as he tossed back. ‘’You are right. Probably that’s exactly what I should do, fu--’’
But before he could finish, quick like lighting, Dean’s hand struck out and grabbed Cas’ arm, like he was afraid Cas might vanish as he did before. Before...when he could still fly. And when Dean’s head came up, his eyes, God, his eyes... The fear and panic in them, the rawness of it, the hitching in his breath when he gasped Cas’ name --was painful to hear, to watch, and it made something stuck in Sam’s already dry throat.
If he ever had the slightest doubt about if his brother was really in love with his angel friend, in that moment, even that lingering doubt dissapeared. In that moment, watching the emotions swirling in Dean’s eyes as they met with Cas’, Sam understood the depth and intensity of that love.
Cas knew Dean better than Dean knew himself. Cas knew Dean's ghosts, recognized them, felt them, accepted them and handled them. He was the first person who had ever managed to break through and get behind the thick walls built of Dean's go-to-hell-and-back-again attitude. He was linked with Dean in a way that went beyond the physical, even the emotional. It was lifted and hovering in something soul deep and spiritual.
Sam didn't know how long those two stood like this, lost in each others eyes, but he was just about to make his presents known when Dean’s hand fell of Cas’ arm and he took a step back.
‘’Damn it Cas,’’ Dean murmured, pulling both hands through his face before he scratched the back of his neck. “You know damn well that’s not what I meant.”
Cas quirked a challenging eyebrow.
Shifting his legs, Dean scrabbed the back of his neck again. ‘’You know I say shit when I’m angry without meaning it. I might be a real dickhead from time to time.'' Dean grumbled.
And Sam knew it was as good as an apology coming from his pig headed, pride brother. And Cas seemed to know it too for what it was, and he seemed to accept it as the closest and most of an apology he’d get, because his mouth quirked into that characteristic, half smile of his, and his eyes changed, lightened with a humor when he snorted.
''That's one way of putting it.''
''Hey!'' Dean huffed out a laugh, and Sam could observe the way he visibly relaxed.
He could tell from the set of Dean’s shoulders that his tension has magically disappeared and relief lighted his face. The smile was back in Dean's eyes when he rolled them at Cas in that exasperated but fond way, he has solely reserved for him.
Then he put both hands on Cas’ shoulders as he said. ‘’I’m not mad at you. Alright, maybe I’m a bit mad.’’ Dean added with a quick quirk of his lips, then it slipped off his face, and there was weight in his words when he continued. ‘’But not at you. Never at you.‘’
His eyes went soft, and he gave Cas a small, tired smile. ‘’And you were right. Maybe if I was the one who stayed with Gabriel, maybe I would’ve done the same. And this is why I’m pissed at him; because that son of a bitch had no right taking off like this, when we needed his help. Especially not after everything you’ve done for him.”
“There’s no going back and righting wrongs at this point Dean. Instead, we should concentrate on how to find and get him back.” Cas suggested, turning to go away.
‘’Yeah, we should do that,‘’ Dean said, but he tightened his grips on Cas’ shoulders, and turned him back.
Cas’ eyes shifted to Dean’s hands, then up to Dean’s face, his brows drew together, and there was a question in his eyes.
Heat rushed to Dean’s cheeks, and he heaved out a sigh before he locked his eyes with Cas’. ‘’I don’t want you to leave. Like never. I… I missed you. When you died--’’ His voice shook and he cut himself off.
The surprise that widened Sam’s eyes was unconscious. It wasn’t like Dean to show his affection or make admissions of that kind.
‘’But I came back.’’ Cas said softly, looking at Dean like he was the most precious and beautiful thing in the world.
‘’That’s not the point. After you-- you--’’ Dean took a deep, shuttering breath. ‘’I was out of my mind... and I don’t want to go through that again. I don’t want to loose you Cas. Not again. So, you must understand if I make any ass knocked, knee jerked choices and say crap, it’s only because I want to protect you. Because I fear--’’
‘’Then I’m sure you understand perfectly how I felt when you flipped through the veil without me.’’
‘’Yeah.’’ Dean answered, shifting away his eyes.
Cas cupped the side of Dean’s face and lifted Dean’s head until he had no choice but look him in the eye again. ‘’Maybe we should compromise.’’ Cas said with a gentle smile. ‘’Stick to some rules. Like no more ass knocked, knee jerked decisions, no more fucked up choices, before speaking them through with the other.’’
‘’Compromising… I--I suppose we can--we can do that.’’ Dean said a little dazed.
And for Sam, who had rarely seen Dean-- who was a shameless flirt, and always hit on girls the same way other people took breath, and he got himself into any women’s panties with ease -- anything but confident in his way of seducing women, the deepening blush on Dean’s face and his stuttering was just as unexpected as it was somehow cute, and just another proof, how deeply and madly in love his brother was with his angel. And Sam knew now, by the way Cas’ eyes had gone soft and dreamy, that he felt the same. And Sam couldn't help the indulgent smile from spreading on his face.
Then every thought leaked out of his head when Dean leaned forward, framed Cas’ face in his hands, and kissed him lightly on his mouth.
‘’Dean,’’ Eyes blown wide, Cas gasped.
Tilting his head to the side, eyes darkening with hunger, his thumbs brushing over Cas lips, Dean said grinning. ‘’I thought it befitting to seal our deal with a kiss.’’
Cas’ eyes flashed on Dean with a sudden heat. ‘’Yes, it’s only befitting we should make so.’’ Cas murmured against Dean’ mouth. Then grabbing the back of Dean’s neck he pulled him in and poured the words of their compromises, deeply, into Dean’s mouth.
After five solid seconds of gaping dumpfounded at one of the most heated and sensual kiss Sam has ever seen, it hit him that the two people attached to eachother by their lips where actually his brother and his best friend. He could sooo live without seeing it ever again, Sam thought shaking his head, then it occurred to him that it was really his cue to leave.
As stealthily as he could, he walked back toward his room with a thrill of happiness for his brother and best friend, that sprinted through him, then settled, warm and easy, making him grin like an idiot.