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"Why do you love me?"
Evan asked and Jonathan frowned in response. It was a question he didn't have an answer to nor was it one that he thought he'd get asked.
"Well," He started hesitantly as he meekly scratched the back of his head, "I guess it sort of started when we kept having late night- or rather, really early conversations at three in the morning. My sleeping pattern was fucked from all the work I've been doing just to maintain a daily upload schedule and we both knew that was really unhealthy."
Evan nodded, mindlessly tapping at the table as Jonathan tried to find the words to explain himself.
"The fact that you made the effort to stay up with me just so that I don't get lonely really struck something in me, y'know?" Jonathan sighed, Evan couldn't help but notice just how exhausted he looks. His hair was getting longer and stubble was growing on his chin. Dark circles hung underneath his eyes as he eyed Evan with a sad look on his face.
"Then I just remember waking up, immediately checking my phone hoping there's a message from you. I remember being disappointed first thing in the morning countless times but I was willing to put up with that. It's nothing compared to the joy I felt when I saw your name on the screen," Jonathan pinched the bridge of his nose, "That happened gradually but when I noticed where it was leading up to, I knew I couldn't stop it."
Jonathan quickly leaned over and pulled up the sleeves of his hoodie, revealing multiple tally lines that Evan didn't know existed. As soon as his eyes scanned over the expanse of his pale wrists, Evan felt nothing but pity for Jonathan, but he didn't voice out his concerns. He knew pretty well that it was the last thing that the other man would like to hear right now.
"I fell in love Seven times with Seven completely different people but none of them were requited. Never will be," His bitter smile said everything, "I hoped that Seven was my lucky number."
Jonathan has briefly mentioned being "unlucky" with love before but he never had an idea as to how bad it really was. The red lines were proof enough of how much emotional pain Jonathan has gone through and it says a lot about the man as a person.
"Ironic isn't it? I'm a person who loves too much yet I've grown to be afraid of it."
Evan's heart ached with sadness. He could only imagine what it felt like.
"I shielded myself from everybody else. I always prioritized the people who these lines belonged to but I never got the same treatment, but I guess it's because I didn't own theirs," Jonathan took a sip of the bitter coffee he's ordered a few minutes ago and the taste couldn't have described his feelings better. He didn't want to be selfish but it wasn't like he was very fond of being pushed aside, "Love hurts, but that's just the way it is for me I guess."
"Don't say that-"
"I'll say it as much as I like," Jonathan's voice turned cold and Evan immediately stopped talking, "I need to convince myself somehow that I'll be alright and that I'll get used to it because in reality? It's kinda ridiculous that I still haven't despite having experienced it my whole life. I'll be fine eventually but not now, not for a long time."
Jonathan remembers the first time they met over the internet, the way they just clicked together, the way he felt more comfortable when Evan was by his side. Whenever they played together, they had their own bubble and did their own thing that only they shared with each other. It was hard to explain but whenever they were in the same room, lobby, call etc. they couldn't keep off each other. It was as if there was something drawing them to each other; an unexplainable link between the two. He was Jonathan's definition of a 'perfect friend' but he crossed lines he shouldn't have.
Meeting Evan wasn't love at first sight. It formed gradually the longer he spent being in exposure to Evan's voice, personality and wit then suddenly, it became clear to him that he was the person he was destined to be with.
"You know what I love the most about us? It's the relationship we have. I love the way we're so comfortable with each other, I love how we endlessly make fun of each other but never take the teasing to heart. I adore the way you try to annoy me, I adore you. I love you so much. But I know I can't have you. I hate that I'm still hoping, I don't even know why I constantly have my expectations up."
Evan looked down in shame, "I wish I loved you instead."
"You don't have to change or wish for anything. If you love me then you love me," Jonathan fiddled with the hem of his jacket, trying to distract himself from the tears starting to well up in his eyes, "I knew I was fucked when I saw another mark appear on my wrist. Falling in love with you made me happy but in the end, it's more tragic than anything else."
Jonathan pushed his cup away and scooted his chair backward, preparing to stand up and leave the café. The chair made an audible noise as it moved and Evan could only watch as Jonathan gathered his belongings.
"I'm sorry."
Evan's heartfelt apology was met with silence for a few seconds as Jonathan grabbed his scarf and wrapped it around his neck.
"It's fine, I'm used to it."
'But you shouldn't be,' was what Evan wanted to say but he couldn't get the words out of his mouth. He didn't want to be a hypocrite.
"Next time someone tells you that there's never too much love in the world, prove them wrong and use me as an example," Jonathan chuckled dryly but there wasn't any humor present in his voice.
Guilt washed over Evan as he looked at Jonathan's ocean blue eyes with an apologetic gaze.
"I'll see you around, Evan," The way Jonathan said it made Evan's heart feel heavy. It was filled with pain, sadness, and longing that he couldn't begin to describe how much he wanted to get out of there as soon as he could.
Jonathan patted Evan's head on the way out and the Canadian glanced at his wrist one more time before Jonathan walked out of the door. Evan stared at Jonathan's reflection on the glass window, seeing the older man aggressively rub his eyes as he stumbled whilst speedwalking towards his snow-covered car.
Evan didn't stay in his spot for too long. He got out and drove back to his house a few minutes after he saw Jonathan drive away.
That night, everything started to sink in and it felt more real than it did back at the café. The guilt was overbearing and he pitied Jonathan. Especially when he saw the red tally mark on Jonathan's wrist on his way out morph into a broken one.
Broken Black lines represented faulty relationships. But Broken Red lines represented hopelessness.
Evan cried for the first time in a while that night.