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Rimmer opened his eyes, blinking as he took in his surroundings. He was on the medibay bed, Lister sitting close to him. “Ah, you’re back at last, old chum.” His hand was briefly squeezed.
Rimmer’s brain felt foggy. “What happened?”
“No sooner had that other version of you passed on my dinner invitation than you were back home, sir. But in the throes of a resentment overload which was too far advanced to stop. Your system was clogged with negative emotions which had received a dangerous spike by whatever you encountered in the alternate dimension you briefly visited.”
“That … that could have wiped my entire hard drive.” He did feel better physically, as though he’d eaten something particularly nutritious after living on junk food for months. “So am I back to normal now?”
“We’ve cleaned up your hard drive and deleted all the corrupted files, so yes, you’re fine, sir. But you obviously need to be a lot more careful in future.”
“I had no idea you were that stressed, old chap.” Even Lister’s well modulated tones and calm demeanour couldn’t completely hide his concern.
Rimmer sat up slowly, bathing in the dark-eyed gaze which was so rarely totally focussed on him and him alone.
“I suppose I was. This other dimension was similar to ours, but different in a rather … important way.”
“YO! It’s cuddle time!” Rimmer cringed as the dreaded voice shattered the clinical atmosphere of the medibay, followed by its owner clad in yet another garish eyesore of a coat. Rat’s taste in fashion was the rancid icing on the mouldy cake of what passed for his personality.
“Mr Rat, not now please. Mr Rimmer is still recovering from a dangerous resentment overload.”
“Who cares? I need to snuggle now! Don’t you know Rats need that?”
“Smeg off, you stupid selfish bundle of fur-”
“Quiet, everyone!” All three turned in surprise at the uncharacteristically sharp tone from Lister. “Rat, I know you love to snuggle, but not right now. Kryten?” He inclined his head meaningfully towards the mechanoid.
“Ah … Mr Rat, sir. Er, you remember I mentioned that I thought that last derelict might have Camembert in its storage units?”
“Camembert?!” The snout quivered with excitement.
“Why don’t you come and help me go through the rest of the crates?”
“HELL, yes!” The rodent’s tail thumped against the doorway in his eagerness as they left.
“You were saying?” Lister prompted gently.
“I don’t know why that other Rimmer was so dissatisfied with his life, frankly. It was pretty much the same as mine except his Lister was … rougher.”
“Ah yes, he did cast a few aspersions on the personal habits of this other me.” The button nose wrinkled briefly with distaste.
“On the other hand, they had a somewhat less … demanding pet. An evolved Cat.”
Lister considered this. “Well, no wonder, old chap.”
Rimmer nodded disconsolately.
“I’m sorry, old chum. But you know what it was like for me before you got your hard-light drive. Back then I needed Rat as much as he needed me, just to feel warmth and a tangible presence. I can’t-”
The hologram nodded again. “I know, I know. You can’t desert him in his old age,” he recited despairingly.
“However, that doesn’t mean we can’t make some … adjustments.”
The eerie silence of the gas moon was total, but made up for by the noises inside the small bug-shaped shuttle craft parked in splendid isolation on its surface.
Lister sank back down onto the bedsheets, gasping. “Better … old … chum?”
Managing to nod, Rimmer drew him in for a slow, blissful kiss, his fingers mussing the springy curls still further.
Eventually Lister came up for air, eyes shining. “This is lovely.”
“I heard you the first fifty times,” Rimmer teased. He kissed him again, trying not to think of the return journey.
Or how long Rat would accept a fur coat clad Kryten as a substitute snugglemate.