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Friday. Manhattan District Hospital. 4:25pm
“Mr Barba will be fine,” the doctor said for the second time.
“I know,” Olivia sighed turning away from the sleeping body lying in the bed.
“It scared you…him just collapsing like that?”
Olivia nodded. “I thought he’d died,” she said softly.
She walked away with the doctor and sat on an empty chair, trying not to cry again for what seemed like the millionth time in the last few hours. She knew Dr Francis well enough not to feel totally embarrassed by her emotions, many of the victims they dealt with were referred to SVU by her.
“Are you guys close?” she asked.
Olivia’s eyebrows furrowed. She had never fully articulated what they were. Close friends for sure, maybe something more but she wouldn’t allow her thoughts to go there, so remained silent.
“What I mean….” The doctor was choosing her words carefully. “What I mean is does he listen to you?”
“Sometimes,” Olivia replied hesitantly. “He can be very stubborn.”
The doctor leaned forward then and nodded in understanding. Lowering her voice, she continued, “Look... he's basically exhausted. I've seen this happen time and time again. Not enough sleep, too much coffee. His blood pressure was through the roof.”
“It's been a crazy couple of months,” Olivia explained.
“Seems like it's been more than a few months,” she responded rather matter of fact, not losing eye contact. Sitting up straighter in her seat, she continued. “We’ve known each other a long time, right? You’ve been coming here for years now so I consider myself in a position to comment.”
Olivia blinked several times in quick succession.
“So, you won't be offended when I tell you that you look like hell.”
Olivia was taken aback at the bluntness.
“Don't get me wrong,” she continued, “It always amazed me how great you looked at 2am. But lately…. You are here all the time, or at least it seems like it.”
Olivia was tired, exhausted if the truth be known and lately the last several cases had been tough on all of them, Barba especially.
“It's my job, the victims need me.”
“And what about what you need?”
Olivia’s silence prompted Dr Francis to continue.
“You need to rest. So, while you're convincing your friend to take a break, have that same conversation with yourself too.”
“I can't…”
“Or won't? You have a beautiful little boy that needs his mother to be fit and well but right now you are one step away from joining Mr Barba in a hospital bed too.”
Olivia opened and closed her mouth several times, but no sound came out.
“Take a break, Liv. Just a week and recharge your batteries. What harm can it do?”
Her bleep went off then and she stood abruptly; squeezed Olivia’s shoulder affectionately. She turned and began to walk away, not before looking over her shoulder and waving.
“Better still take Mr Barba with you,” she added loudly before hurrying down the corridor to her next emergency.
▪▪▪▪▪
Friday. Manhattan District Hospital. 8:00pm
“How do you feel Rafa?” Olivia asked him full of concern.
“Bad.”
He looked bad, his skin was pale, his eyes sunken.
“You’ll be okay,” she said reassuringly, her watery eyes conveying the depths of her emotions. “You just need to rest. We both do.”
Oliva pulled her chair closer to his bed, placed a hand on his own and began to tell him of the doctor’s concerns and her recommendations that he needed to slow down. She saw the tiredness in his eyes as she spoke, and he simply listened.
It surprisingly didn't take too much to convince him, and any reservations he had was soon gone when she started to cry again. Olivia knew she was really tired then, and when he suggested a quiet getaway in Connecticut, she simply nodded tightening her hold on his hand.
▪▪▪▪▪
Saturday. 10:00 am.
Lucy had agreed to stay with Noah and a temporary ADA was covering Barba in his absence. They had booked rooms the night before, too worn out to really think about the prices. It cost a small fortune, but with promises of total relaxation and inner peace they both just went with it.
Lucia Barba had packed her son a bag, dropping it at the hospital that same night relieved Rafael was finally taking a break. They had arranged for a driver, both really too exhausted to drive and concentrate on the busy roads. Once Rafael was finally discharged, they sat back in the passenger seats as the driver took them out of the city.
“When was the last time you had a real vacation?” Rafael asked her.
“Too long.”
“Same here. But I'm glad we did this Liv, and I'm glad it's with you. I can just be me.”
“Just don't expect too much, I'm beat,” Olivia sighed.
“Ditto,” he smiled tiredly.
Olivia sat back allowing her head to rest against the cool glass of the window, watching the scenery pass them by. She turned to stare at Rafael briefly but his eyes were closed and so she took the time to really watch him. He hadn’t shaved and the stubble that had begun to form gave him a more striking appearance.
He’d certainly had a few more greys since they first met and had filled out a little, but he was still the handsome if somewhat arrogant man she first met and had grown extremely fond of. She smiled thinking of those early days, especially the first time they were introduced.
Rafael opened his eyes then as if he heard her inner thoughts and looked at her. A small, lopsided smile on his face.
She smiled back affectionately before looking out the window once more.
His presence was comforting and they rode the entire journey in silence, both lost in their own private thoughts.
▪▪▪▪▪
Sunday. Utopia Hotel & Spa. Connecticut. 11:00 am.
“It’s beautiful out here,” Rafael said. “Peaceful.”
Olivia hummed in response.
They were walking, no real direction in mind. Both casually dressed; they were nothing like their former city selves.
“When I was growing up, I couldn’t wait to leave home. I could never just think. Papi, Mami…. always screaming, shouting and…” Rafael paused then, took a long slow breath and relaxed his hand that he had begun to clench into a fist.
“But you live alone now, all the peace and quiet you want,” Olivia commented trying to bring his mind away from that unhappy time.
“I hate it,” he replied somewhat bitterly. “It gets lonely. You are so lucky to have Noah, cherish him.”
Rafael had spoken of his childhood to her in the past, but the candidness of that statement surprised her. She was glad he felt able to tell her that, honoured even and she wasn’t going to take that lightly.
“Oh, I know I’m lucky to have him, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone to share it with.”
She shrugged then suddenly dismissing the notion of a relationship with any man. Her last few attempts hadn’t worked out well, but seeing as he was being so open, she decided to be also.
“You have me,” Rafael said softly. He shoved his hands in his pockets then, kept looking ahead, and she swore he was blushing.
“Squabbling till we’re 85,” Olivia laughed lightening the mood.
“Most definitely,” he replied.
"I like the sound of that."
▪▪▪▪▪
Monday. 3:00pm.
They must have walked for miles and still not left the vicinity of their retreat. There was always something to look at and as they stopped by a lake, Rafael stopped and stared at the view. It felt strange being around him this way, they never spoke about work and their time so far had consisted of eating proper meals, long leisurely walks and sleeping. Slowing down seemed to be good for them, Rafael's colour had returned as well as his wicked sense of humour.
They weren’t allowed any coffee except for Decaffeinated, which Rafael found completely offensive. Olivia laughed at his outburst when he discovered this. So, they drank lots of herbal teas and water most of the time.
It was so easy being with him. No pretence. He was so different to Rafael Barba, ADA. She supposed she was different too. Here they were just Rafa and Liv. They naturally came to a stop at a bench and they both sat down, watching the ducks swim. Olivia automatically scooted closer feeling his heat, linking her arm into his own. Several minutes passed before either spoke. It was Rafael that broke the silence.
"This job.... it takes away so much from you."
"I know. I'm surprised I've lasted this long," she admitted. "Fin too."
"I think, he's managed to get the balance right," Rafael said.
"You might be on to something there. He's been seeing someone for a while now. Seems really happy."
"Good for him."
▪▪▪▪▪
Tuesday. Hotel Restaurant. 10:00am
Rafael chose to have a Swedish massage, after leafing through the Spas brochure.
“What about you Liv…. what are you having?”
She shook her head almost immediately. Although they had done everything together these last few days, and a massage sounded great; there was no way she'd be undressing in front of total stranger. Even now she was still uncomfortable with her scars.
“It's all free,” he added, still looking at the list on offer.
“Rafael, I can’t….”
“Sure, you can….” he replied distractedly.
“No. I really can’t…”
Realisation suddenly dawned on him as he put down what he was reading.
He’d worked on the Lewis case, knew exactly where each and every one of her scars were. It made for uncomfortable reading, and sleepless nights for many weeks but he never told her that.
Rafael held her gaze. Her eyes were a little misty.
“What about a neck and shoulder massage instead?” He said gently, understanding the reasons behind her apprehension.
He waited patiently for her mind to process the implications in his suggestion.
“Yeah. That could work.” She blew out a breath.
Rafael smiled. Such a brilliant and beautiful smile that she felt something in her chest loosen.
“Great. I'll book us both for later this afternoon.” He leaned over and kissed her forehead and moved back so quickly that she wasn’t sure what happened. But her skin tingled at the contact.
Olivia felt suddenly very warm.
▪▪▪▪▪
Massage Therapy Room. 2:00 pm
They assumed they were a couple, and as soon as he realised Rafael tried to object at being in the same room as Olivia having a couple’s massage. There were two couches, clearly one for each of them.
“It’s okay,” Olivia said. She didn’t know when she got so brave. But it was Rafael. A decent and respectful guy. She trusted him.
True to her assessment, he turned his back as she slipped off her gown and lay under the covers with only her shoulders on view. She turned her head when he did the same. When she felt certain he was under his own blanket she turned to face him. He was watching her and there was a moment for a split second where it was just the two of them connected.
“You okay?” He mouthed.
Olivia nodded. They stared at one another for a few more beats before his eyes fell shut as the masseuse began to work on him.
She closed her eyes too, and her last real though before she fell into a totally relaxed state between being awake and falling asleep was how glad she was doing this with Rafael.
▪▪▪▪▪
Wednesday. 2:45 pm.
She found Rafael that afternoon, lying by the lake. It seemed to be a favourite spot of his and weather had been warm all week. His eyes were shut, his eye-pod playing an upbeat song based on the vibrations coming from his earplugs. There was a folded-up copy of the local newspaper by his side under his left hand, his right slung over his chest.
Not wanting to startle him, she placed a gentle hand on his arm.
“Hey,” he replied. Eyes bright.
“I thought you were asleep.”
“No. Just waiting for you.”
She doesn’t quite know why those simple words made her giddy but they did.
“Yeah?” She tried to sound casual.
He sat up and took the newspaper then, turned a few pages, until he found what he was looking for. “Do you feel like going out tonight?”
She looked down at the newspaper. There was an open-air show in the next town. Live music, food. Tempting.
“It’s not too far away, if you’re interested," he added.
They discussed it and saw it as a good opportunity to check out the area, buy gifts and get some coffee. They were both feeling much better.
They had both also had another massage that morning. Together.
“Do you feel up to it? You don’t want to wear yourself out.” Olivia wanted to go but had to be sure that he could manage.
“I feel up to it Liv. I'm sure.”
“Okay then, why not?”
"I'll meet you later then?"
Olivia nodded. "Ok. It will give me a chance to talk to Noah before I get ready."
▪▪▪▪▪
Hotel Lobby. 6:00 pm
Olivia didn’t know why she took longer than usual to get ready. She didn’t really pack anything too dressy but applied some makeup and pinned her hair up to go with her simple outfit of jeans and a sparkly blouse. She was glad she made the effort, when she saw Rafael. He looks fresh and well-groomed even in just dark trousers and a polo shirt. He wore a blazer which made him look even more handsome.
“You shaved.” Oliva placed a hand on his cheek.
“Couldn’t keep looking like a hobo. Besides, one must make an effort when in the company of a pretty lady," he said in his finest voice.
Olivia laughed.
Unexpectedly, he reached toward her and brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear. The stroke of his fingertips on her cheek set off a heat that started in her ears, down her neck and into her chest. She felt herself blushing at the contact.
“You really do look pretty tonight.” His voice sounded strange.
“Thank-you,” she whispered.
Rafael placed a hand in the small of her back and led her out to the front of the building where their taxi was waiting.
▪▪▪▪▪
The taxi drove them into the middle of the action. It was really crowded, so it made sense to hold hands so they wouldn’t lose one another. Neither questioned why they still held hands when the crowds lessened considerably.
They walked around this way most of the evening. Stopping to look at things of interest. Taking a break, they both ordered a cup of strong Colombian coffee and ate sweet pastries as they watched the world go by from the table of a small café.
Walking around some more, Rafael discovered an Italian Deli that sold the most unusual types of Pasta and Spaghetti. As soon as they saw it they said the same singular word in unison:
"Noah."
They both laughed at the ridiculousness of it all but purchased several packets for the little boy to try.
"You'll have to come by and have dinner with us one night," Olivia said. "Noah hasn't seen Uncle Rafa in quite some time."
"I'd love to."
Rafael brought Carmen a pair of earrings, which Olivia helped him to choose, and a silk scarf for his mother. They purchased a few more items, before eventually finding their way to where the live band was. Finding a good space, they ordered a bottle of wine and chatted casually in between the music.
"When was your last relationship Raf? I mean I know about Yelena, but you've never mentioned no one else."
"There's been moments," he said. "I'm a man with needs just like any other, but no real long-term relationships."
"Oh." Olivia let her thumb circle the rim of her wine glass as she took this new information in.
"I guess I'm not the easiest person to get along with," he admitted.
"I find you easy to get along with. I think you are a great guy."
The wine was making her loose lipped, but she didn't seem embarrassed by her words.
"Ahh, Liv.... you and I. What we have is different. It’s a mutual respect and understanding."
"Mutual respect and understanding, " she repeated. "What does that mean in English?"
Rafael smiled. "It means we get each other."
"I think you're right" she smiled, refilling both their glasses.
▪▪▪▪▪
11:00 pm
They spent the rest of the evening, drinking, laughing and joking. Olivia must have looked at him several seconds too long, because she saw a question in his eyes that she wasn’t quite ready to answer. His gaze was intense like he was really seeing into her soul.
Olivia shivered then unexpectedly, causing a plethora of goose bumps to race across her arms and chest.
"Are you cold?" He asked.
"No," she replied as she shivered again uncontrollably.
"Here." Rafael took off his jacket, draped it over her shoulders.
His hand lingered then before placing one hesitant hand on her cheek. She leaned into his touch.
"Liv...." His mouth suddenly dry.
"Rafa...." she whispered.
He looked at her before placing a soft kiss on her lips before he pulled away.
“Was that alright?” He sounded so unsure of himself.
“Yes.”
Olivia tilted her head up and kissed him again.
▪▪▪▪▪
11:30pm
The journey home was peaceful. Rafael held her hand the entire journey and she let him. When they arrived back at the hotel, he walked her to her room, both still clearly processing what had happened that evening. It was just a kiss (several kisses to be precise) and nothing more, but it was a big deal for both of them for different reasons.
"Night Liv."
"Night Rafa. I'll see you in the morning."
She let herself into her room and once he heard her lock the door behind her, Rafael walked away. His senses were overloaded, and he didn’t think he'd be getting much sleep that night.
▪▪▪▪▪
Thursday. 1:45 am
Rafael was not sure what the time or how long he'd been awake but he couldn’t sleep. He, kept replaying the night before especially the kiss. He didn't know what made him do it, but he was glad he did. He was scared Olivia was going to reject him but when she kissed him back he felt his heart sing.
But then the doubts kicked in.
Doubts from long ago of being called weak, useless and a pansy. How no woman would want him. Yelena fed off his insecurities, messed him up for a long time. He always had trouble letting go of himself emotionally but being with Olivia made him want to try harder than ever before.
Rafael gets up then, he knows its late but he needed to talk to her.
▪▪▪▪▪
He knocked on her door gently, and she opened still dressed in the clothes she was wearing earlier. Her face scrubbed clean of makeup.
"I couldn’t sleep."
She opened the door wider and let him in.
"I don't want to screw this up. This means too much to me."
Olivia opened her mouth to reply, but he held up his hand. "Please Liv, let me finish."
She sat down then on the edge of the bed and he sits next to her. Held both her hands in his own.
"I need to tell you about me, tell you about my childhood...."
She shook her head. "No. you don't." She knew enough to know it wasn't great.
"Yes, I do," he said firmly. "Being with me might be bumpy and I want you to now why."
So, she let him talk, not wanting to lose the spell they were both under. Rafael spoke softly and at times pained as he spoke in great detail about the physical and emotional abuse of his father. How it affected him; drove him to become one of best lawyers in the district but also stopped him forming healthy relationships so easily. Olivia told him about her mother, her rape and quest for justice. Some of these things she hadn't shared with anyone. Not her therapist and certainly not Elliott. She told him about her mother's drinking, the beatings and her feeling of guilt at the relief she felt when her mother finally died.
They spoke for hours, and when they were both too exhausted to say anymore they did the only thing possible.
They lay down together, side by side and fell asleep.
▪▪▪▪▪
Thursday. 8:30 am.
They both decided to forgo breakfast, content to lay in each other arms. They cuddled most of the night, falling asleep wrapped in each other's arms.
Olivia woke up, but Rafael had beaten her to it.
"Hey."
"Morning."
"So, are we really doing this?" He looked bright and alert for minimal sleep. Olivia on the other hand felt shattered.
"Yes, we are," she replied, her eyelids still heavy.
"What about tomorrow when we leave here?"
"I don't know. I haven't thought that far ahead."
He's still unsure of himself that much she could tell. She does the only thing she can right then and kissed him. It;s long and slow, and she tried to convey just how much he means to her.
"I just don't want to mess this up," he said.
"Me either... one step a time okay? I want this too. Us."
Rafael nods and kissed her again. Burying his face into her neck and pulling her closer.
She shivered again at the contact, goose bumps popping up all over her skin.
"Are you cold again?"
"No, just happy," she yawned.
Rafael, pulled her into a hug as she fell asleep, her exhaustion finally taking hold. There was so much more he wanted to say to her, but now wasn't the time. Instead he dropped a kiss on her forehead and closed his eyes too.
______
The End.