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Kylo hadn’t been mentally present in far too long. He was needed, and even so, he had to swallow the idea gnawing at the back of his skull, the one reminding him that he failed. Again.
Everything was overly sensitive. His limbs were too heavy and his vision was sharpened, his heart beating so frantically that it sent vibrations down his rib cage. He was in a strange state, numbed to the point of calmness, but he still felt the need to destroy. Destruction was the only thing that kept him moving forward. And still he had begun to hate his lust for it.
Another thing he hated his lust for: Hux. He had coaxed himself into turning his emotional mind off when he was around him for the sake of not allowing Hux to be right. He was Supreme Leader now, he wasn’t allowed to be an emotional child anymore. He had to prove himself. And so he let everyone, mostly Hux, think that he was collected enough. When he was finally alone in his quarters he was a destructive whirlwind, mostly to himself, letting his mind wander into loudness as he broke to pieces behind closed doors. This was how he lived now. This was all he had left. Feigned dignity and power.
Kylo thought about Hux more than he would have liked. There was no switch to turn off these thoughts, as they poked and prodded at his insides like a parasitic snake. He became agonizingly violent in the heat of the destruction after killing Snoke and the events surrounding that moment. He had turned on Hux, viciously aware and unaware at the same time of what he was doing, outside of his body watching this thing of rage consume him and devour any control he had left.
He was letting himself think too much now, and felt the bubbling in his chest again. Like boiling water rising to the surface, he had to let it erupt before he could collect himself again. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them he was standing in the chaos he created, bare hands bleeding at the knuckles, shaking all the way up his arms, tears staining his face, leaving his cheeks tightened and wet. His mind went immediately to Hux. The only person who could ever calm him down. He needed him. It was a sort of admission and realization to himself. Kylo needed Hux. And the fact that he knew Hux didn’t need him staggered him, but didn’t stop him as he left his quarters a mess and lumbered heedlessly to Hux’s door, not pausing before pulling it open with the Force and letting himself in.
**
Hux hadn’t forgotten about the events that took place after the death of Snoke. In fact, when he was alone, all he could think about was the man he loved threatening him, breaking him down, using him as a doormat for his emotions when he was falling apart. He had never felt anything for anyone until Ren, and in such a brief moment, he saw the light slip from Ren’s eyes as something else took him over, cradling his insides like the fingers of a demon, wrapping slowly around his spine and provoking from him all his most cataclysmic habits. It was an unbecoming demeanor, but unfortunately it didn’t change the way Hux felt about him. And so the pain became unbearable. At nights when he was so used to curling against Ren for his warmth, he lay in the middle of his bed, shivering. He refused to let himself cry, even as he adjusted the collar of his uniform over the bruises Ren left, knowing they weren’t the same sort of bruises as before, the ones he was always halfheartedly hoping someone would see, knowing he was Ren’s and Ren had marked him as such. Something so glorious was suddenly leeched of all its beauty, and it had Hux ashamedly in shambles. He hated himself for allowing such an attachment to form. He hated himself for thinking it would last; that amidst everything, they would always come back to Hux’s bed and hold each other until avoidance captured them in its palm, easing them to sleep, skin against skin. Hux didn’t sleep much anymore.
It was later that evening, after the day’s work was finished. Hux poured himself a drink and undressed, wrapping himself in a blanket and sitting curled up in the corner of his sofa, when he heard his door open. He held his breath, knowing Ren was the only one who could let himself in, knowing Ren was the only one who would. They hadn’t seen each other in an intimate setting since... before... and his chest fluttered as he looked up and saw Ren standing there in front of him, covered in blood, tears running down his face, hair pressed against his sweaty forehead, lips trembling. He was like an out of control child. One that Hux was ashamed to admit he cared so much for. He stood, face burning at the state of himself in front of Ren. Wrapped in his blanket, the glass in his hand beginning to shake.
“I’m indecent at the moment, obviously. If there’s something you wish to discuss you’ll need to give me a moment so I can dress. Pour yourself a drink if you want one, I’ll be brief.” Hux said, turning up his chin and willing himself to stop shaking. He set his glass down on the table beside the sofa, and turned to go dress himself.
**
Hux was the first thing Kylo’s eyes found when he entered the room. He was wrapped in a thick black blanket, knees to his chest, holding a glass of liquid in his hand that Kylo assumed to be alcohol. His hair was out of place, his eyes were sunken in, his cheeks hollow. He looked like he hadn’t eaten or slept in ages. He still looked beautiful. Kylo huffed out a breath, hating himself for ever hurting this man in front of him. The only man who was ever there for him, and he had to ruin that just like everything else. He cursed silently at his mentality. He was the one who hurt Hux. He felt out of control at the time, he hardly remembered even doing it, but it was still his power he used to hurt Hux. He suddenly considered turning around and leaving, not knowing the right words, wanting to apologize but fearing Hux’s rejection. He loathed himself more than he ever had.
Hux spoke first, telling Kylo he needed to dress and would return in a moment, saying he could pour himself a drink if he wanted one. Kylo remained silent as Hux turned and retreated to put clothes on. Hux’s voice, as callous as it was, was soothing Kylo already. He brushed a hand over his face, pushing his hair back off his forehead and wiping his sweaty palms against his pants. He wasn’t sure whether to sit or stand so he stayed standing. Hux returned quickly, dressed in a black undershirt and trousers, hair still disheveled. Kylo fought back the urge to reach out and fix it. It was something he would have done before Snoke’s death, but now it felt like overstepping. It saddened him how quickly things changed. How easy it was for him to ruin everything.
**
Hux dressed himself shakily. Moving too fast and becoming dizzy, quietly stumbling into the refresher and splashing cool water on his face, taking no time to look in the mirror. He swallowed the bile rising at the back of his throat and went back out to meet Ren, who looked suddenly out of place standing beside Hux’s sofa, shoulders curled inward as he met Hux’s gaze. He tried not to think about the amount of times Ren had sat on that sofa, grabbing Hux’s waist and pulling him between his legs, wrapping his arms around his lower back and pressing the side of his face to Hux’s stomach, Hux combing his fingers through Ren’s hair. He held his breath, picked up his drink, and swallowed it down in one gulp, pressing his lips together and forcing himself to look at Ren again.
“So,” Hux started. “Is there something I can do for you, Supreme Leader?” He almost choked on the last words, despising himself for getting so caught up in the trivial thoughts of Ren teasing Hux about them ruling together one day, Hux on his throne, Ren kneeling beside him, ever the loyal pet. Hux felt dizzy again.
**
Hux had remained formal until Kylo was able to see something break behind his eyes, a sort of wildness that used to torture him sweetly, now he was unsure what it was, and longed to know again. He refused to let himself pry into Hux’s thoughts, knowing that now more than ever he needed boundaries. He needed to make sure Hux felt safe. He was afraid he would never be able to make Hux feel safe again, but he had to fucking try. He swallowed down more of that bubbling in his chest, refusing to let it erupt here in front of Hux, knowing that it was different now, that Hux wouldn’t go to him and comfort him the way he did before. Kylo realized he still hadn’t said a single word. He was just standing there staring at Hux. He let out a shaky breath and opened his mouth to speak but it was too late. His moment of control was gone, all that was left was blatant weakness, and he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He felt the room around him shift, the edges of his vision blurring, his knees colliding with the floor. Suddenly he couldn’t control the tears as they came, sobs rocking his body forward, heaving breaths leaving him gasping for air as a string of words gushed from his throat and began dripping off his tongue.
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so sorry all he could remember saying, watching Hux bring a hand to his mouth, standing, staring down at Ren like he was watching the only thing he ever cared about break into pieces. He figured he was imagining the look of concern on Hux’s face. He was delusional. Hux would never care about him again. He ruined it. Ruined it ruined it ruined it I’m so sorry please Hux begging. Desperately grasping at anything to help him calm down. Kneeling there on Hux’s floor, pathetic, entirely too forward, entirely out of place, an apology would never be enough and he knew that. He didn’t know how else to make Hux realize he would never hurt him again. He didn’t know how else to make Hux feel safe around him again, after the weeks spent in the aftermath, feeling Hux hold his breath every time Ren passed him, hearing Hux’s voice shake each time they were speaking in a meeting, seeing how Hux cowered behind his defiant facade each time he set foot into the throne room, begrudgingly meeting Kylo’s eyes as he kneeled before him. Sorry would never be enough.
“Hux,” Kylo whispered, finally pulling in his voice and controlling his tears.
**
In a single moment he saw Ren collapse on the floor in the middle of the room, groaning against his heavy sobs as a river of necessary words stabbed Hux from every angle. He brought his hand up to cover his mouth, stunned by his own emotion and by seeing the Supreme Leader on his knees in front of him, surging like the sea, floating in his own agony, searching desperately for comfort. Hux gasped quietly when he realized Ren was searching for comfort in him. Like before.
He closed his eyes, breath quickening as he listened to Ren’s words. In his mind he saw himself going to Ren, lifting his chin and wiping his tears away, kneeling in front of him on the floor and brushing his hair back, no words exchanged as he brought Ren’s face to his chest, wrapping his arms around him and letting him sob into his shirt, the smell of Ren’s sweat making him feel safe again.
Hux opened his eyes at the sound of Ren whispering his name, finally controlling his emotions enough to speak calmly. The sound of Ren saying his name with so much pain behind it was torturous. He kept a straight face as he slowly walked over to Ren, placing a finger beneath his chin and lifting his face. Ren seemed to take this as a cue to stand and did so, Hux’s finger remaining under his chin until he was standing again. Hux slid his finger down Ren’s neck, opening his hand to lay flat against Ren’s chest as it heaved beneath his palm.
“Hux,” Kylo whispered again.
**
Hux leaned in close to Kylo, opening his mouth enough so Kylo could feel his breath on his lips, close enough that if Kylo moved an inch their lips would be touching. Kylo closed his eyes and willed himself to stay still. He felt Hux’s hand brush up his chest and back to his neck, closing around it without choking him. Feeling Hux’s touch like this again was intoxicating. Kylo let out a sigh, and felt Hux’s closeness leave him all too quickly. When he opened his eyes Hux was on the other side of the room again. His back towards Kylo.
“Get out.” Hux choked. His voice sounded raw. Kylo furrowed his brow, panic rising in his chest again. He stepped toward Hux and reached to touch his back.
“I said get out.” Hux whispered.
Kylo withdrew his hand, huffed, and turned to leave, closing the door behind him with the Force.
**
Once Ren closed the door, Hux let out his breath and gasped for air, choking back the sobs, wheezing into his hand, feeling stupidly out of control and drunk on pain. He picked up his glass and threw it at the wall, watching it shatter into tiny pieces before walking to his bed and curling up in the middle of it, knees to his chest again, shivering. This was normal for him now.
That’s when he heard it. Ren, still outside his door, letting an agonizing scream rip through to the other side, slithering up Hux’s skin, squeezing all the air from his lungs. He could hear Ren punching things, the sound of his lightsaber cutting metal, people trying to interject but fearing their Supreme Leader’s wrath. Hux squeezed his eyes closed and willed everything to stop. Finally everything fell silent again, the buzz of Ren’s saber disappeared, and in the dark, from the other side of his door, he heard something else. Something more peaceful. It was distant, but he heard it as clearly as if Ren was speaking directly into his ear. Ren’s voice, jagged at the edges but soft, as if he wasn’t fully speaking audibly. Three simple words that came to Hux in the darkness, promising him things he knew he shouldn’t believe.
I love you.