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2006-03-31
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151 Things Methos Is No Longer Allowed To Do.

Summary:

Cassandra did not turn me into a newt. I did not get better.

Notes:

The original skippy's list.

Work Text:


  1. Not allowed to talk about politics. Ever.
  2. Not allowed to talk about religion. Ever.
  3. And what happened in Rome never stayed in Rome.
  4. No longer allowed to do the hokey-pokey when brought before the Tribunal on charges of treason.
  5. No longer allowed to do the hokey-pokey when brought before the Tribunal on any charges whatsoever.
  6. No longer allowed to call the Tribunal useless or tell them that I will do the hokey-pokey on their graves, even though I will and I say it in Greek.
  7. The Tribunal members speak Greek. I should say it in Basque.
  8. Not allowed to argue that the oath to not interfere means the Watchers should let me walk in and out whenever I please, even though they have some of my old books and I want them back.
  9. Never allowed to forget that the Watchers know how to kill me, even though it would be a violation of the Watcher oath for them to do so. They might be willing to make an exception for moi.
  10. I am an Immortal, not an sterile man with an overactive immune system who happens to be too stubborn to die, and I should stop telling people I am.
  11. My Watcher tattoo does not make me hardcore.
  12. It is also not an all-day pass to Disneyland.
  13. Duncan cleans his sword in public after taking a Quickening. He does not "clean his sword" in public after taking a Quickening and I should stop saying he does.
  14. Eating pop rocks and coke is not a handy and painless way of becoming Immortal and I should stop telling the Watchers such terrible, horrible lies.
  15. No, not even after I've demonstrated.
  16. It doesn't matter that I had permission. Killing pre-Immortals is always chancy and I should remember that. Hmph. I'm only 5000 years old, what should I know? Spoil-sports.
  17. My first teacher was not Yoda, even though he was small, wrinkled, and looked like a muppet.
  18. And George Lucas is not a Watcher. They have the records to prove it, too.
  19. Elvis was not an Immortal and did not stage his own death so he could change identities. The man whose head I took last week was just an impersonator.
  20. At least, that's what I should tell the Watchers so they don't pull me in for another session before the Tribunal.
  21. (Later) No longer allowed to be my own Watcher, even though it's safer for everyone involved.
  22. No longer allowed to drink my Watcher under the table, then go take a head and not tell anyone about it. They're watching Mac's place and they know post-Quickening sex when they see it, the bloody voyeurs.
  23. "There can be only one" is not an appropriate response to any question having to do with my views on monogamy and I am not allowed to glower while saying it.
  24. "There can be only one" is not an appropriate response to nosy questions about my sex life.
  25. "There can be only one" is not an appropriate response to anything short of a challenge.
  26. He means it.
  27. No longer allowed to say "there can be only one" when not taking a head. It makes Joe nervous, to say nothing of the girl in the checkout line.
  28. Duncan is not my bitch and I am not allowed to tell the girls in straight bars that he is.
  29. No, just because he likes hearing it doesn't make it true.
  30. Correction: Even if Duncan MacLeod were my bitch, Joe doesn't want to know about it. There are some things even the Watchers don't want to imagine.
  31. No longer allowed to tell boys in gay bars that Duncan is my bitch, even when they want threesomes.
  32. Even though he is, and Joe will never find out about it.
  33. And I should never mention under pain of permanent death how I know that Joe is circumcised.
  34. And he really means it.
  35. No longer allowed to tell challengers that Mac's power lies in his hair.
  36. No longer allowed to laugh when Mac gets challenged by enraged barbers.
  37. We take Quickenings, not American Express.
  38. Not allowed to let my bar tab accumulate more zeros than the national debt.
  39. Not allowed to sing death chants in the shower while Mac is flashbacking.
  40. Not allowed to sing death chants while watching football in the bar. Stupid bloodsports.
  41. Not allowed to invoke the spirits of the damned on the Red Sox. No, not even if they deserve it.
  42. And especially not if I was stupid enough to trust Joe and bet on them.
  43. "Live, grow stronger, fight another day" is not the right thing to say when the Red Sox lose.
  44. Joe takes this baseball thing very seriously and I should remember that.
  45. Never allowed to forget that the Watchers know how to kill me, and Joe has no problem breaking his Watcher oath.
  46. Telling Joe stories that begin with "back in the day" will get them written down and put in my Chronicle and I should not take advantage of that.
  47. The Watchers do not want to know about the time I spent in the British army as a spy. They already have the story in six conflicting versions and I should not give them a seventh.
  48. I shouldn't tell Mac about the time I spent in the Highlands. But I already knew that.
  49. I will not tell Mac about that time with Connor. Or that other time with Connor.
  50. Russell Nash is not a tiger in bed, and even if he is, I shouldn't know that.
  51. Neither MacLeod has ever shagged a sheep and I should not tell Richie they did.
  52. Even though the Watchers have proof.
  53. "The Watchers don't know everything" is not the correct response to "where were you last night?"
  54. No longer allowed to pull Mac's strings and see how long it takes for him to threaten to take his own head.
  55. Not even if I share the data with Joe.
  56. When Duncan says he wants to spar with real blades, he does not mean sex and I should stop stripping down immediately.
  57. He also does not intend to cut my clothes off me, so I should stop keeping them on.
  58. Duncan is very randy.
  59. I am not an inbred son of a cow and I should probably stop telling Richie that's what my name means.
  60. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a little teapot.
  61. I was the nightmare that kept them awake at night, not the ghost of Christmas past.
  62. Even though Dickens was a Watcher and I can prove it.
  63. Kronos was not better in bed than Byron was. Mac has their memories and knows it and I should stop yanking his chains.
  64. And Joe does not care if Mac says I'm bad in bed and gets it put into my Chronicle. No one cares about my legendary reputation.
  65. No longer allowed to take vows of chastity, silence, or eternal rampaging when Duncan insists on doing something stupid.
  66. No longer allowed to enter game shows because it only gets me stabbed and disemboweled time after time again. This worries Duncan.
  67. Not allowed to kill Mac's challenges for him, dump their bodies in the river, and tell the Watchers that Duncan is a little touched in the head when he doesn't remember killing them.
  68. I don't believe in honor, chivalry, or self-sacrifice, and I would do well to remember that. Damn you, MacLeod.
  69. If I put a bullet in someone, I am responsible for taking it out of them. Fair's fair.
  70. Not allowed to tell Duncan I invented lubricant to make my time with Kronos easier to bear. He already hates my past enough and he doesn't need more ammunition. Besides, I liked it.
  71. No longer allowed to prank-mail cough drops to Cassandra.
  72. No longer allowed to show Richie just how many ways I can kill a man. Duncan does not like it when I corrupt children by tearing out their kidneys with my dagger.
  73. Not allowed to tell Amy Zoll blatant, horrible lies, or even blatant, horrible truths. The Watchers do not need to know about the century I spent locked in a cage inventing swear words.
  74. I am meditating, not "killing people with my mind." Even though I can and have, no one believes me, so I should shut up about it and let Duncan suck my cock in peace.
  75. Not allowed to complain about living on the water while squatting in Duncan's barge. I can always get a hotel room and Duncan will pay for it.
  76. Immortals can neutralize poisons. That's still no reason to dare Richie to drink that.
  77. No longer allowed to tell Duncan I was a fertility god and so he should worship me.
  78. Correction: No longer allowed to do it in Joe's bar. In bed, it's fine. And very, very wanted.
  79. Duncan is very, very randy.
  80. The word for Watcher in Sumerian is not the same as voyeur and I should stop telling the Tribunal that. The Tribunal has no sense of humor, and they don't think I have a cute arse.
  81. No longer allowed to tell Amanda that the lost fortune of some obscure pirate is located under Richie's bed. And when I do, I'm not allowed to take pictures and sell them on eBay.
  82. No longer allowed to mention anyone whose name starts with "c" or "k" in bed. No, not even Christ. Bastard.
  83. Duncan is very, very, very randy.
  84. No longer allowed to falsify Chronicles just because it's a lazy Saturday and there's nothing else to do.
  85. Not allowed to revive Duncan with a blowjob after a bad Quickening unless I want a black eye. (I do. And it heals, Joe. Stop worrying.)
  86. I am at least 5000 years old. I know better than to dye my hair orange and walk around in blue face paint on Halloween.
  87. No longer allowed to object when Duncan paints any part of my body. Unless it's my nose. No one fucks with the nose.
  88. We behead people, not go around whacking perfectly good heads off of perfect strangers. Even though we do and everyone knows it.
  89. A Dark Quickening is not an excuse for BDSM.
  90. A Light Quickening is not an excuse for BDSM.
  91. I did not invent BDSM.
  92. I did not invent lawn care.
  93. I did not invent leather pants.
  94. And I did not invent the French fry.
  95. I was Death on a horse, not the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness. I should keep my mythologies straight or my mouth shut.
  96. No longer allowed to tell Duncan I won his soul after beating him at a game of chess.
  97. Not allowed to cackle when watching horror movies.
  98. Nor am I allowed to say that I could, and have, done it better.
  99. Not allowed to comment on the horrible special effects of the blood, gore, and guts.
  100. Not allowed to phone studios and ask them what kind of crack they're smoking.
  101. (Later) No longer allowed to watch horror movies of any kind, even the comedic ones.
  102. No longer allowed to start any stories with the words, "After I finished raping..." or, "Once, when I was really high..."
  103. I have never been to band camp.
  104. No longer allowed to talk about what Scotsmen wore under their kilts back in the day.
  105. I didn't fall in love, I slipped.
  106. No longer allowed to find Duncan's enemies and commiserate with them.
  107. No, not even if I take their heads when they least expect it.
  108. Especially not if I take their heads when they least expect it.
  109. Not allowed to fight any battles for Duncan.
  110. Not allowed to fight any of my own battles. HEY!
  111. Correction: I should let Duncan protect me, because then he takes harsh, angry Quickenings, and it all evens out, because then we don't leave the bed for weeks.
  112. I should stop telling Joe that one day I'm going to kill Mac if he kills any more of my old lovers.
  113. Even though there can be only one.
  114. No one wants to know where I keep my gun when I'm sunbathing.
  115. Three is the number thou shalt count and the number of thy counting shall be three.
  116. He is Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod, not Captain Katana.
  117. My medical license is no longer valid and I should remember that. (Sorry, Joe.)
  118. No longer allowed to tell impressionable young Immortals that their lovers will end up killing them. They need to figure that out on their own.
  119. But Kristin had it coming.
  120. Blood-letting is not an approriate reaction to Duncan falling in love again.
  121. No longer allowed to get into philosophical debates when drunk. The Watchers do not need to know about Aristotle's less popular opinions.
  122. No longer allowed to opine that mass genocide is the most strenuous activity one can engage in, next to soccer. The Watchers already know that and so does Kevin Smith.
  123. Yes, despite all appearances, I killed ten thousand, and, yes, I was good at it. This does not make me a "lean, mean, killing machine."
  124. Not allowed to castrate Richie just to prove that we can heal anything short of beheading.
  125. Especially not allowed to castrate him "just because".
  126. No longer allowed to mention how I know how to castrate myself and threaten to do it. It makes Duncan nervous.
  127. Not allowed to pimp out Richie for some spare cash. Duncan keeps a money roll in his sock drawer and I should take that instead.
  128. Not allowed to turn around and say "where?!" in a panicked voice when Duncan calls me by name in public.
  129. Even though he really should have learned by now.
  130. Not allowed to insinuate that Duncan was dropped on his head as a child and ask Connor to back me up about it.
  131. Not allowed to scare children just for the fun of it.
  132. Not allowed to call Duncan a slut to his face.
  133. Unless we're in bed and Joe's far, far away.
  134. Not allowed to come to Joe's bar after taking a Quickening. No one cares that I'm a sex god.
  135. Not allowed to tell anyone about that time with the handcuffs, the pepper spray, and the clown suit.
  136. Or that time in that place that led to that myserious fire that destroyed that abandoned warehouse in the middle of nowhere. I wasn't there and don't know anything and they can't prove a thing.
  137. If the words "sex" and "slave" appear in sequence along with "Duncan", I am to assume that Joe doesn't want to hear about it.
  138. If the words "sex" and "slave" appear in sequence along with "right the fuck now", I should probably give Duncan time to beg off his obligations for the weekend first before tying him to the bed.
  139. I should not get in the way of Duncan begging for anything.
  140. And Joe doesn't want to hear about it.
  141. No longer allowed to say anything that will stop Joe from being able to look Duncan in the eye.
  142. No longer allowed to take any dares, especially if the words "do anything to survive" are included in my response.
  143. No longer allowed to respond when Richie asks what I've done to survive.
  144. No longer allowed to giggle while watching Richie toss his cookies.
  145. No longer allowed to corrupt Richie when Mac or Joe isn't around.
  146. Not allowed to offer to show Richie where I keep my gun when sunbathing.
  147. I am not allowed to show him when he takes me up on it.
  148. Duncan worshipping me in bed does not deputize me to create holy ground.
  149. Not even if Duncan's very very sincere about it.
  150. Duncan MacLeod is a slut.
  151. No longer allowed to disappear without leaving a forwarding address. (Ha. As if.)