Chapter Text
Rin's Regionals high lasted for about two weeks. He was relaxed, happy…personable, even. His swimming was better than ever before. He'd started treating Nitori like a friend, instead of like an annoying, over-eager puppy that wouldn't leave him alone. He wasn't snapping at people, wasn't brooding in dark corners with that angst-ridden look on his face. In fact, the storminess in his expression was almost completely gone. For the first time in months, Seijuurou saw him smile.
Then, something happened. The high lost its momentum, and Rin came crashing back to Earth, as brooding and serious as ever.
Seijuurou first realized that there was something amiss when he caught Rin in a locker-room spat with one of his teammates, a quiet second-year named Himura. He couldn't hear the words over the general buzz, but Rin looked furious, like he was hissing something horrible at the poor boy. Himura, on the other hand, looked cowed by Rin's vicious insults, despite the fact that his tall, lean build gave him a distinct statural advantage over Rin. The red-haired boy slammed his locker shut and stalked out before Seijuurou could intervene, but the captain carefully approached Himura as the younger boy moved to pack up his things.
"You and Matsuoka getting into something?," he asked casually. Himura startled at the sound of the captain's voice.
"Oh, uh…no, not really," he replied. "He just got a bit…well, you know how he is."
Seijuurou chuckled. "Why, what'd you do?"
"Nothing," Himura replied with a shrug. "I just bumped him a little with my elbow, that's all."
"Oh." Seijuurou's brow furrowed slightly, but he made no further comment.
"I'm sure he's just having a bad day," Himura murmured as he took a pair of wire-rimmed glasses from his locker and put them on his face. "No harm done." He gave Seijuurou a farewell smile before taking his leave.
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Rin's "bad day" seemed to extend into the next day, and the next. He'd gone back into his old emotional stew: exhausted irritability, with subtle hints of misery mixed in. Everything he said came out in a growl, and he began avoiding everyone on the team, even more so than usual. His swimming started to suffer, too: slowly but surely, his times began to slip. The captain wasn't surprised: Rin's performance had always been closely linked to his emotional state. If there was anything to be learned from the whole Iwatobi debacle, it was that. Rin needed to feel good, both emotionally and physically, before he could swim his best. Clearly, Rin's emotions were beginning to take a nosedive again, and Seijuurou had to find out why. Not only because Rin's performance was sure to suffer, but simply because he cared, as a captain and a friend. Rin wasn't a bad guy, deep down, and as frustrating as the red-haired boy could be, Seijuurou still thought of him as someone he cared about, and someone he wanted to watch over. If asked, the captain might have put it this way: "He's a pain in the ass, but he's my pain in the ass."
He decided to keep a closer eye on Rin, going into the next week. He wasn't quite sure why, but it made him uneasy, seeing the red-haired boy like this again. Anyone else might have dismissed it as simple moody spell, but the captain had a strong feeling that it could easily turn into something worse, if left alone.
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"Captain?" A third-year named Watanabe approached him one afternoon, just before he left the locker rooms. Watanabe's close-cropped black hair was still glistening from his post-practice shower.
"Yeah?"
"…I think you should check out the bathrooms," he said in a discreet murmur. "I heard someone crying in the stall next to mine. It sounded like Matsuoka."
"Hm. I'll go check it out."
Watanabe still looked concerned. "Is he…there's nothing going on with him, is there?," he asked quietly. "He's seemed a little…unstable, this past week."
"Not that I know of," the captain replied. "But don't worry, I'll check on him." He went back through the shower room and into the row of bathroom stalls. Just as he was coming in, Rin was leaving the stall on the end. His eyes were red, and he looked absolutely miserable.
"Hey, Matsuoka," Seijuurou greeted him gently. "You ok?"
"Fine," Rin muttered, his voice raspy. He brushed past the captain without another word. Seijuurou turned to follow him, but the red-haired boy was already stalking away, making it clear that he didn't want to be followed. He was probably hoping that if he walked fast enough, no one would notice that he was a teary-eyed mess. Unfortunately for him, it didn't exactly work that way.
"Captain…did you see Matsuoka-senpai in there?" A first-year named Ueno approached him with a concerned look in his golden eyes. "He looked really upset," the sandy-haired boy murmured. "Real tired, too. Did you know that he fell asleep in the showers yesterday? I looked over, and he was just leaning against the wall, fast asleep."
"Hm."
"Is he all right?," the younger boy asked. "Like…I just notice this look in his eye sometimes, when he's walking around on the pool deck. You know? His swimming is still ok, but he looks like a zombie whenever he's out of the water." Suddenly, he seemed to realize that he might be saying too much. "I don't mean to be disrespectful," he added quickly. "I'm just…kinda worried, is all." He looked up at Seijuurou with doleful golden eyes. "I remember what happened last time, when he started looking like that."
"I'm sure he's ok," Seijuurou reassured him. "But trust me, I'm looking into it." Even as he said it, he felt a pang of worry. Ueno, in his ever observant way, had hit the nail on the head; he'd finally put a name to the vague concerns that had been percolating in Seijuurou's mind all week. Rin did have the same look in his eyes, the same exact look he'd had before he'd tried to work himself into the ground. After seeing his old team at Prefecturals, Rin had gone into something of a downward spiral. With each practice after that relay, he'd looked more tormented, more haggard, and more pissed off; as Seijuurou found out later, the red-haired boy had been caught up in a vicious cycle of insomnia, self-loathing, and torturous midnight workouts. Finally, this cycle had culminated in a very dramatic fashion: exhausted and dehydrated, Rin had passed out on the pool deck, after completing a marathon overnight practice session with no sleep, and almost no breaks. They'd ended up having to put him in the hospital for a day, to get his fluids back to normal. Seijuurou wanted to avoid any more situations like that, if at all possible, and if it was starting again…Seijuurou knew that he needed to nip it in the bud, and fast.
Maybe it was time to get a little more involved.
He approached the red-haired boy at the end of their next practice session. "Hey, Matsuoka," he said conversationally. "How's it going? You doing ok these days?"
Rin gave him a strange look. "I'm…fine…"
"Been working on your fly more lately?"
"…Yeah…?"
"Good," Seijuurou said. "I want you in good shape for our next tournament."
"I'm working on it," Rin replied. Suddenly, he seemed slightly on edge. "I know my times have been a little off this week, but I'm getting it together. You don't have to worry." With that, he breezed away, leaving a mildly puzzled Seijuurou behind. I didn't say anything about his times being off, he thought to himself. I mean, they haven't been great, but they haven't been bad. Something about the way Rin had reacted to his innocuous little statement seemed a bit off. The captain thought about it for a moment longer, but he quickly got distracted by a locker room dispute, and the brief conversation was pushed out of his mind.
In the middle of practice the next day, Rin slipped away to the locker rooms. Seijuurou caught him leaving out of the corner of his eye. Just when the captain was about to go look for him, he came back, looking slightly worse for wear. He looked queasy, almost, like he wasn't quite well. Still, he got back into his lane and started swimming laps again.
When everyone started heading for the showers, Seijuurou casually fell in at Rin's side. "How's it going, Matsuoka?," he asked, clapping the red-haired boy on the shoulder. "You doing all right?"
"I'm fine," Rin muttered, sounding annoyed but tired. "Why?"
"Well, I just noticed that you slipped out of practice for a while. I wanted to make sure you were feeling ok."
"I'm fine," the red-haired boy repeated. "I had to pee, is that a crime?"
"You had to pee for fifteen minutes?"
Rin sighed in exasperation.
"You know, if you're not feeling well, you can take a day off," the captain said. "I'm not going to force you to swim sick."
"I'm not sick."
"Ok, fine. Sorry I asked."
Rin sighed. "You know, I don't see you pulling anyone else aside and asking them if they're ok every five seconds," he grumbled. "Why do you keep asking me?"
"I'm just checking in," Seijuurou said lightly. "I keep tabs on everyone, no need to get pissy. I like to make sure everyone on the team's doing ok, that there aren't any problems I should know about."
"Well, there aren't," Rin muttered. "I get why you'd want to check on the first-years, but you don't have to treat me like some kid."
Seijuurou begged to differ, but he knew better than to say so out loud. "I check on everyone," he repeated quietly. He knew that if Rin felt like he was being singled out, he'd never open up. "First-years, second-years, third-years. No exceptions. If anyone on the team wants to talk to me about anything, I'm here to listen. That's part of my job, and I take it seriously."
Rin sighed. "Fine," he muttered. "Sorry." He walked away, leaving Seijuurou to wonder about him again. The red-haired boy's defensiveness seemed to confirm the captain's hunch, that there was something else going on. Something was clearly amiss, but once again, he was at a loss as to what it might be. Was Rin actually sick and just trying to be macho about it, out of pride? Was he working out too much after practice and wearing himself out? Was there something keeping him up at night? Was he having issues with schoolwork? Family issues? Mental health issues? Iwatobi issues (again)? The list of possibilities was nearly endless, with him. Seijuurou had to find a way to narrow it down, or he'd never get the red-haired boy to talk.
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Rin may have been working hard on his butterfly, but his times certainly didn't reflect it: in fact, they only seemed to be getting worse. Every single time he posted in the following week was substantially slower than his personal best. Seijuurou knew by now that there had to be something going on, but given the utter lack of success he'd had with his previous attempts, he'd decided to take a more indirect approach this time. Luckily for him, he knew a certain first-year boy who'd definitely have some sort of insight into Rin's erratic behavior. This boy was the only one, aside from Rin, who'd know exactly what went on behind closed doors.
"Nitori."
The grey-haired boy turned at the sound of the captain's voice. "Yes, Captain?"
"I need to speak with you privately." Without further explanation, Seijuurou turned and walked away, assuming that Nitori would follow. Of course, he did.
The captain went into the coach's office, and Nitori trailed in after him: the younger boy got a little nervous, when Seijuurou shut the door. It must be something really serious, he thought. Immediately, he began racking his brain, trying to figure out what he might have done wrong. He had been a little off in practice these past few days, but not horribly so. And it wasn't exactly his own fault, anyway…
"Nitori." Seijuurou interrupted his train of thought. "I need to ask you something."
Nitori turned his full attention to the captain. "Sure, Captain. Anything."
"…You and Matsuoka are roommates, aren't you?"
Nitori nodded, unsure of where this was going.
"…How's he been doing, lately?"
It took Nitori a moment to answer: he still wasn't sure what the captain was trying to get at, and he didn't want to accidentally say anything that would have bad consequences for Rin. "Um, he's…ok…"
Seijuurou gave him a stern look. "Nitori, I want the truth," he said. "I'm not blind. There's something going on again, isn't there?"
Nitori looked down, feeling awkward. He wanted to tell the captain, but he knew that Rin would be furious if he found out.
"He'll never know you said anything," the captain said, as though reading Nitori's mind. "I just want to figure out what's going on, so I can help. I know you want to help him, too."
The younger boy hesitated a bit more, but he finally let the truth come out. "He hasn't been sleeping," he murmured softly. "Sometimes, he goes out to the pool to practice, but sometimes, he just stays up listening to music through his headphones. I know, because I can always hear it, he turns it up so loud. He keeps me up sometimes: that's why I've been a little slow in practice lately. I'm just tired. I can't even imagine how exhausted he must be. I don't know how he does it: if I slept as little as he does, I don't think I'd be able to get up and walk to class."
Seijuurou's stern eyes softened a little as he listened. "Anything else seem…off?," he asked quietly.
"He was crying again last night," Nitori murmured. His eyes teared up a little, just thinking of the emotional pain his senpai had been in. "I wanted to go down there and give him a hug, but he always gets really mad when I try to do that, so I didn't. He was really bad last night, though." He looked into Seijuurou's eyes. "I don't know what to do," he said in soft desperation. "He's just so…sad, and I don't know how to help him. He never tells me why, he won't open up to me."
Seijuurou nodded, looking vaguely troubled. "Don't worry," he said. "I'll figure something out." He looked seriously at Nitori. "From now on, I need you to tell me, if things like that are going on," he said. "Ok? Just…keep me in the loop."
Nitori nodded. "I will," he said. Anything to help him.
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Seijuurou winced, when Rin slammed his locker shut with enough force to break the door off its hinges. The loud bang echoed through the locker room in a way that couldn't be ignored. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nitori flinch. The other swimmers, of course, had taken notice, too. Rin stalked off in a stormy rage, brushing past the captain before anyone had time to stop him.
"What's with Matsuoka?," one of the senior swimmers asked. "He seemed a little off in practice today. He's been off a lot, lately."
"He practically tore my head off when I asked him to pass me a towel," another added.
"Yeah, and he threw a water bottle at me the other day." Everyone seemed to have noticed Rin's vicious mood. "Something's not right with him."
Instinctively, the entire team looked to Seijuurou for answers.
"Don't worry about it," the captain said calmly. He kept putting his things into his locker, covering up all the worry he felt. "I'll handle it." The rest of the team seemed to accept this; they went back to changing and putting their things away. But Seijuurou's worry kept growing. That outburst had been a pretty obvious sign of trouble: usually, the younger boy at least made an attempt to keep his emotions under control. He wasn't very good at it, but one could tell that he was at least trying. This time…he'd been so angry and emotional that he hadn't even cared enough to try.
The captain finished packing up as quickly as he could and left the locker room, heading in the direction of the dorms. He got about halfway there before he heard a few muffled sobs coming from a door to his left. It was the door to the emergency stairs. He paused for a moment and exhaled softly before pushing the door open. There was Rin, curled into the space under the stairs, sobbing violently into his knees with complete and utter abandon. His entire body shook with every sob, his chest heaving in and stuttering out with every choking gasp. Seijuurou froze for a moment, his heart seized. He'd heard from Nitori, that Rin's crying could get bad, but he'd never actually witnessed it himself. Now he understood, why Rin's late night crying spells disturbed the younger boy so much. It was awful to watch this handsome, gifted swimmer sob so violently over something that no one could name.
He carefully crawled into the space beside Rin. The red-haired boy hadn't even noticed him come in.
"Matsuoka," he murmured softly. He laid a gentle hand on Rin's shoulder, and Rin's head immediately jerked up. It took him a moment, to register Seijuurou's face.
"Why are you here?," he snapped. Tears were still falling from his eyes. "Why are you here?," he demanded more sharply.
Seijuurou's eyes softened. "Because you nearly broke your locker after practice today," he said quietly.
"I'll pay for it, then," Rin spat, trying to wipe his eyes. "Whatever. You couldn't have waited to fucking tell me that?"
"No, Matsuoka…" The captain paused. "…I just thought you seemed more troubled than usual," he explained quietly. "And I wanted to see what was going on with you."
"Why?" Rin didn't understand. "It's not affecting anything."
Seijuurou was torn between laughing and crying. "Matsuoka, your times have been awful this week," he said with a sad chuckle. "You're tearing everyone's heads off over the tiniest things. Everyone on the team's noticed that something's off with you. You're seriously going to sit here and tell me that whatever this is, it's not affecting anything?"
Rin looked away, glaring miserably at the ground. "I've got it under control," he muttered.
"No, you don't," Seijuurou replied. "And I'm here, if you want to talk about whatever it is."
"I'll fix my times," Rin muttered, not paying attention. "Ok? I'll get it done."
"Matsuoka, that's not-"
"What do you want from me, then?," he spat, more tears coming to his eyes. "Just…I'll fix it, ok?" He left the space beneath the stairs and stalked out of the stairwell, closing the door behind him with a bang. Seijuurou stared after him for a moment before crawling out from under the stairwell himself. Part of him wanted to follow Rin, but he knew that what the red-haired boy really needed was some time alone, to calm down. In this state, he wouldn't be receptive to anything Seijuurou had to say.
The captain thought about Rin the whole way back to his dorm room. There had to be something he could do. That image, of Rin crying under the stairs, had been burned into his brain forever. He hated that anything could ever make the red-haired boy feel so…alone. Because he wasn't alone. He had the whole team behind him, ready to support him, if only he'd let them help.
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It was obvious that Rin hadn't slept at all, after that crying episode in the stairwell. He had bags under his eyes the next day, and he looked completely exhausted. Still, he pulled on his swim cap and dove into the pool like there was nothing wrong. Seijuurou watched the clock out of the corner of his eye while Rin swam laps. These were nowhere near the times that Rin was capable of doing. Rin seemed to notice this, too: the captain could see his face getting stormier and stormier with each slow run. He was obviously frustrated with himself, and finally, Seijuurou couldn't watch anymore.
When Rin reached the end of another lap, Seijuurou went over and quietly called him out of the water. Dripping wet and panting, Rin leapt from the pool: he actually swayed a little for a moment as he stood, as though the effort had made him light-headed.
"What?," he sighed. There were so many undercurrents of meaning, trapped in that simple word. God, please don't try and talk about what you saw yesterday, was the most prominent one. But there was also, You don't need to yell at me about my times, I know that they suck. Beneath that, I'm trying my best, but I'm completely exhausted right now, and I really just can't do this today. I swear I'll make up for it later…just please, don't kick me off the team. Finally, the simplest one of all: Please, just…don't. The captain could see them all in Rin's eyes, and hear them all in his voice. The poor guy was so easy to read.
"You're done for today," the captain said quietly.
An anger began to burn in Rin's eyes. "Why," he said flatly. His hands were slowly curling into fists.
"I'm giving you a break," Seijuurou replied. "Take a rest for today."
"I don't need one," Rin said, his teeth clenched. "Our tournament's coming up, I need to practice."
"You've obviously been doing plenty of that when the rest of us aren't here," Seijuurou replied. "I'm ordering you to take a break. Go get changed, and get out of here. Go take a nap or something."
Rin's eyes narrowed. The captain could see what he was thinking: you really think I'm that weak? Am I that pathetic-looking right now? He looked so angry and frustrated, but he didn't say anything. He simply turned and walked away toward the locker rooms.
After practice, the captain called Nitori aside again. "If you catch Matsuoka going out the pool tonight…I need you to come get me," he said quietly. "Ok? Just let him go, but come to my room and get me as soon as he leaves."
Nitori looked uncertain. "You want me to wake you up?"
Seijuurou nodded. "Just keep knocking until I come out."
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As anticipated, there were three timid raps on Seijuurou's door that night, right around one in the morning. When the captain opened the door, Nitori was there, looking timid.
"Did I disturb you, captain?," he asked.
Seijuurou shook his head: he hadn't been sleeping, either, but even if he had been, he would have wanted the younger boy to wake him. "Did he go down there?," he asked.
Nitori nodded, and a few tears glimmered in his eyes. "He was so frustrated today," he whimpered. "He threw a bunch of stuff around. He seemed to feel bad about it afterward, but then he went off to the pool."
Seijuurou nodded and gave Nitori's shoulder a gentle pat. Having Rin as a roommate was obviously putting him through a great deal of emotional stress.
"It's ok," he said calmly. "I'm going to go talk to him. Go on and go back to sleep." Nitori nodded and headed back to his room. Seijuurou grabbed his room key and immediately left for the pool.
When he got there, Rin wasn't in the water yet. He seemed to be getting ready, saying something to himself before he dove in.
"Did you nap today?," Seijuurou called as he approached. Rin seemed startled, to see the captain there.
"What are you doing down here?," he muttered.
"Answer me, Matsuoka," the captain replied. His tone was calm, but firm. "Did you sleep at all today?"
Rin looked away before muttering an indistinct 'no.'
"Then get your ass back to your room."
"Why are you doing this?," Rin snapped, tearing his swim cap off in frustration. "I'm just trying to get better. You should be happy."
"I'd be happier if you slept," Seijuurou replied as Rin started to stalk away again. "Hey." He grabbed Rin's arm, and the younger boy glared at him. "I'm serious," he said. "You need to sleep. You can't just keep going and going like this, for days on end."
"Don't you think I'd be sleeping, if I could sleep?," Rin snarled, his voice echoing through the empty space as he jerked away. "Do you think this is what I want to be doing at one AM?"
He stood there, seething, waiting for an answer.
"Why can't you sleep?," Seijuurou asked calmly.
"I just can't," Rin snapped. "So I'm trying to be productive, instead of sitting up there on my ass and thinking about-" He abruptly cut himself off. "I just needed to get out of that stupid, fucking room," he spat under his breath. "Ok?"
Seijuurou let a moment of silence pass before he reached out again. "Why don't you come up to my room?," he offered quietly. "Instead of killing yourself down here?"
Rin glared sideways at him for a moment before gradually lowering his gaze. "Fine," he muttered bitterly. "Whatever." Seijuurou let him go back to the locker rooms to change, but when he didn't come out for twenty minutes, the captain began to worry. He decided that he'd better go check on the red-haired boy.
"Matsuoka?," he called as he entered the locker room. "You ok in here?" He glanced down every row of lockers that he passed, but Rin seemed to have disappeared. Finally, though, Seijuurou found him: he was curled up in the furthest corner of the locker room, asleep. There were a few tear marks still drying on his cheeks, but his breathing was soft, and his eyes were closed. Seijuurou quietly took a seat on the bench nearby. He almost didn't want to wake the poor guy up. Finally, though, he reached out and gently touched Rin's arm.
"Matsuoka," he murmured. "Hey, wake up." Rin's eyes slowly blinked open: he seemed utterly confused, and very groggy. He looked up, and couldn't seem to comprehend Seijuurou's face. "You fell asleep on the locker room floor," the captain said with an amused little smile. "A bed would be more comfortable, don't you think?"
Rin groaned quietly and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Don't…patronize me," he muttered sleepily.
"Come on," Seijuurou said, standing up. "Let's go." Rin ignored the hand that the captain was offering, using the bench to pull himself up instead. The two boys left the locker room side by side. Seijuurou watched Rin out of the corner of his eye: Rin's little nap seemed to have made him even more exhausted, if such a thing were possible. As they walked up the stairs, the red-haired boy began to stumble a little bit. Seijuurou reached out and laid a gentle hand on his back, to guide him and keep him from falling over. Rin was too tired to push the older boy away.
When Seijuurou finally opened the door to Rin's room, he saw the vague outline of Nitori, laying on the top bunk and sleeping soundly. Rin wandered over to the bottom bunk and flopped down onto it, ignoring everything else. Seijuurou watched him for a minute, but he didn't get up. Satisfied that Rin would finally be sleeping, the captain quietly closed the door and went back to his own room.