Chapter Text
Michael enjoys rituals in all forms.
This fact is especially true after a double shift with the latest intake of Academy ensigns and their constant curiosity about the legendary 'Michael Burnham of Vulcan'. Evidently news of her superior senses did not reach them.
Conner’s remains confident that other 'exotic crewmate' will join the ranks soon, but such a hypothetical officer is yet to appear.
Still, that young (and naturally empathic) Betazoid woman did not need such a harsh rebuke about her telepathic responsibilities. Her anger is not at the girl but at herself and her inability to meet her obligations.
Michael allows herself the luxury of pacing the length of her quarters, knowing that she is too energetic to meditate effectively.
Were she not so embarrassed to do so, she might call Amanda or Sarek for guidance.
There is much speculation amongst her former colleagues and crewmates about what a Vulcan fostering means in practice. The theories range from mundane to the scientifically impossible. The Starfleet commander and anthropologist suspect that the reality of her situation would be disappointing. After all, it's not as if she was a student at Gol or in isolation on Mt. Seleya; her foster mother is human.
Michael adjust to the interest and scrutiny, but it takes several years and the development of social banter with topics she finds 'acceptable' to share. In her role as captain and mentor, Philippa insists that this serves an essential function for social cohesion and team building.
Michael remains sceptical, but she compiles the list anyway.
A Vulcan childhood, no matter what the particular circumstances, is defined by ritual and expectation. Individuals on Vulcan carry the cultural aspiration of performing to the best of their abilities and contributing to the broader Philosophy of Surak in whatever field they chose. Stability and Agility of Thought are the founding tenets of the Vulcan education system.
Her friends are correct that she did not have many companions in childhood but what they neglect to consider is that many Vulcan children can make the same claim. Family, friends and connections define the social interaction. Yes, she can claim a admit to a certain level of 'bullying', but learning is fiercely competitive for all, especially as they have yet to master regulation of emotions.
Her abilities are not exotic; the Burnham’s possess adequate genetics, and her training maximises a dormant potential. If the 'experiment' that is her fostering in Shi'Kahr repeats, she is in little doubt the results will be similar.
She is too distractible to calculate the odds, all she can think about is Philippa.
Phillipa, the woman she loves, and the bright spot in her increasingly harrowing war duties
Philippa who refuses to marry her.
***
Courtship Rituals
Vulcans do not enter relationships for the sake of romance alone. Therefore, Michael is somewhat bewildered by the way that humans and other species undertake the processes of courtship. The humans of her past acquaintance are not romantic by nature and take a more practical view of relationships. Amanda's cousin marries a widow who needs support and a father figure for her triplet sons.
To Vulcans relationships between mates are for the strengthening of both community ties and to provide support for the individuals. There is less focus on the family connections in modern times, but bonding is still fundamentally vital to the stability of Vulcan society as a whole. Therefore there is nothing casual about the process; the time together leads to an ultimate goal and ceremony.
A firm belief in this system is why Michael proposes an engagement 6756.17 standard days after they began dating. There is no significance to that day; it is not an 'anniversary'. Michael values certainty, and she wants their relationship acknowledges before the law should anything happen. Conner’s parents struggle with their unusual family set up when his father falls ill.
This final step seems like a significant step but a simple one, she merely asks one day when they hike are hiking near the grounds of the Georgiou Estates.
Michael designs a ring that contains a mixture of platinum and jade. She consults with Philippa's brother on the style of family jewellery. In the band, there is a stylised engraving of the coordinates of the Earth, Vulcan and the Shenzhou precise location when they agreed to enter a relationship.
Everybody who seems the ring agrees that the ring is ideal for Philippa and there is growing excitement on the ship.
Michael is confident that there is little more to plan for once she rehearses the phrasing and timing.
The outcome will be both rewarding and satisfying.
The one thing that did not factor is Philippa turning away in tears.
***
Remembrance Rituals
Philippa's mood is worrying her lover.
People around her insist that Michal give Philippa space, they try to offer comfort. They contend that this is a temporary problem in the relationship and Philippa will 'come around'. The words ring hollow. The commander is grateful that they remain discreet and do not offer commentary in public.
It is not in her nature to just 'let things go' especially when there is no definitive answer as to why the circumstances occur. There is an incomplete narrative here. A narrative reminiscent of when she pestered Sarek and Amanda to complete the story beyond 'happily ever after' or 'logical prevails' when they were children.
Her story with Philippa may not end happily (odds are 7:1 in favour of a positive outcome, but there needs to be a resolution. Philippa is talking in circles and contradictions.
Michael knows that the older woman will seek as much space as possible. Their relationship is such that she finds her lover's behaviour predictable the majority of the time, even in such usual circumstances.
Just because Philippa wants space, it does not follow that space is what is best for her.
There is something else at play. This avoidance is not a simple matter of a marriage offer. Philippa is confident enough to discuss this rationally, to offer her opinion. She often says that she does not want them to waste any more time with words unsaid.
"You bring the greatest light into my life. I will do everything in my power to make you happy and build a life together. This includes changing my brittle and remote ways."
No, Michael has both interracial evidence and faith that there is more going on than simple rejection.
The pain her lover's eyes is too pronounced. Michael would almost welcome the news that Philippa found someone more suitable rather than witness that depth of pain and torment.
Many factors could be responsible for the narrative the former captain is constructing in her head, without outside consultation. The Georgiou siblings like to tease that Philippa is 'terminally noble' and never misses an opportunity to sacrifice for the sake of others.
Michael refuses to allow this to happen nor will she avoid the joint events that involve them as a couple. Their calendars have tangled together that complete avoidance is impractical if even Philippa deems otherwise.
Philippa is also avoiding attending the commemoration of the Starbase distraction that killed three members of her family and the man that was to be her betrothed.
The algorithm for the new privacy controls are simple to override; humans rarely chose genuinely random numbers their minds programmed to see and seek to establish patterns.
"You are a glutton for punishment aren't you?" Philippa's voice is hoarse from either disuse or tears.
"I never consider spending time with you a punishment no matter what the events in question are. We are due at the ceremony in 25 minutes."
There is no logical link between the two events, but emotions are not rational, no matter how Philippa works to control them.
Vulcans have ceremonies for remembrance and Michael insists that it is necessary for them to attend the open Katra fi' Salan memory of the deceased.
"I have enough ghosts in my head, Michael. I do not need to invite them in for the day" she says cynically
"It is important for you to be there. Your nightmares won't ease without acknowledgement. Trust me; I am reluctant expertise in this area" Michael commands gently.
"So am I.” Philippa says deliberately keeping a certain distance between them as the talk, not willing to concede any ground in this disagreement.
Michael does not move, not tensing in the face of the anger. She is confident that Philippa's sense of duty will work in her favour at this moment.
There is no sense of victory when she is proven right 5 minutes later.
***
Conflict Rituals
Their metaphorical fault lines are appearing.
This ceremony is one of the few times when emotion is something of an asset and subtly encouraged. The priests from multiple denominations are taking turns reading out passages of remembrance. The cultural practices are different but the orators are skilful, and the principles are easy to convey. There is a need for the multicultural events as there is an increasing number of joint missions between races affiliated loosely under the umbrella of the Federation.
The Vulcan priests and the students all have heightened telepathic ability but also more skill in shielding. Michael admires the way each orange-robed figure moves amongst the crowd murmuring words of comfort and solidarity, even daring to touch a few who are struggling with the memories.
Michael almost wishes she allowed Sarek to be present as he offers to attend right up until the last minute. However, he is working with the Vulcan High Command and cannot easily spare the time.
Senek, the healer who took responsibility for her instruction when she was half wild with trauma pauses to greet her with particular affection. His long bony fingers perform the ritual greeting of mourning, and he reaches up to wipe a stray tear.
The tear is not for her long-dead parents; those had come when she sat through the guided meditation. Senek knows this; his fathomless dark eyes see much that is not said.
"Have faith in your strength and knowledge, child. You have an achieved much under great duress" he deliberately steps in High Vulcan (Eastern Dialectic) that is not in the Universal Translator lexicon.
Philippa is standing beside her with a carefully blank expression, not giving in a sign of registering the conversation. Her attention is fixed on the large firepit in the centre of the room, being carefully tendered by two young students.
Michael does she is finding the flames soothing but transfixing is better than nothing.
"Is this the hill you want to stand on, forcing me to confront my grief in public with legions of your countryman talking in riddles? An unusual courting tactic to be sure" Philippa's tone is at once weary and brittle.
"I believe the two situations fit together in some way" Michael replies honestly.
"I am not one of your puzzles Michael, not everything has reasons and rationale. We have just come to a natural impact on our reality."
***
Comfort Rituals
The evenings are calming
Michael is accustomed to living with uncertainty and discomfort. Her existence is an anomaly to both the cultures that raised her. It is only through disciple that she ignores some of the 'worst angels of her nature' to quote a historical human figure.
There is no resolution in the situation with Philippa but nor is there a reason for despair, they exist in a stalemate, keeping different hours and communicating through notes on the kitchen PAAD. Philippa is sleeping at her apartment, even if they are all but living together in practice.
Michael isn't sleeping well, the night terrors that plague her since childhood return with a vengeance. She can function on far less sleep, but she has gotten used to the familiar comfort that the older woman provides.
Instead, she beams but up to the ship, intends on doing something productive rather than wasting her hours not sleeping and composing letters to Philippa.
The ensign from Betazoid is standing in the transporter room, apparently studying the unusual design. She shows an aptitude for engineering.
"Ma'am… I will be leaving in a moment... I'm sorry.” the junior officer says quickly meeting her eyes.
"It is I that owe you an apology, Astrid, your transgressions were not so grave. I let my emotions interfere with my teaching." Michael returns with a gentle smile
"Yes I know I could feel your pain loader than an establishing warp drive" the other woman adds in a run of words that may or may not be in her control.
"You still need to work on your control though. There are circumstances where your insights are not only inappropriate but possibly dangerous. If for no other reason than to predict you from physic exhaustion."
"My parents say the same thing. Do you need to report me? Do I need to leave Starfleet?"
It pleases Michael to be able to solve at least one problem today.
"Nothing so drastic but I will talk to the Academy Medical Teams about some solutions. Are you familiar with the Kul'Cha'Vir Monastery on Vulcan?"
The young ensign nods vigorously. The training of those gifted in the telepathic arts is legendary.
"Let me talk to the intake clerk, and you can attend the introductory course next month."
***
Commitment Rituals
Phillipa is not deliberately hiding her presence.
Michael calculates correctly that the older woman's sense of duty is such that she would never renege on the promise to see her youngest nephew promotion ceremony.
No sabbatical is worth losing time with family even if that now includes Michael by default. Their relationship may be uncertain, but Philippa would never let this interfere with the bigger picture.
At this, that is what she is circumstances that she is hoping for when she politely insists on meeting Philippa's shuttle and taxing her back to the family home. Nobody disagrees with her plan, but they do persist in giving her sympathetic looks which is even worse.
Michael gets to the platform 45 minutes early rather than risk being late. She uses the extra to drink tea at one of the cafes and catch up on the local news as it plays in the background. The constant stream of commuters is fascinating to observe and provide a counterpoint to her inner monologue.
She is learning that she may revere the solitude a silence of Vulcan spaces but the human side of her enjoys observing activity as well. This understanding is a type of observation that Philippa finds fascinating to unpack.
Michael hopes she gets the chance to share it.
It is gratifying when Philippa disembarks precisely on time, carrying nothing but a light travel case. She does not look remotely surprised to see the younger woman waiting for her instead of the taxi shuttle she ordered the night before.
" Did you hack into the central mainframe of the transport network?" Philippa asks drily by way of greeting as she slides into the seat opposite.
"My position with Starfleet Judiciary is ambivalent enough. I did not need to undertake such drastic action nor what I for such a purpose."
"Perhaps in normal times but these are extraordinary circumstances."
"In some ways" Michael agrees softly " You used the family account, Philippa. It may not seem like it, but there are institutions in this galaxy not currently aware of the change in our relationship."
Michael meant for the comment to tease a smile onto Philippa's grave features. The former captain is a fan of such quips and the evolution of Michael's sense of humour. However, today all this manages to achieve is make Philippa finch and look aware.
"I never meant to hurt you in this way, Michael. Everything is just spiralling too far out of my control, and as per usual you bare the brunt of the fall out" there is a note of pessimism in the ordinarily confident tone.
"Look at me Philippa" Michael commands gently, her turmoil easing in the face of the other woman's pain. It takes a full minute of Philippa to comply, and even then she struggles to maintain eye contact.
"I believe you, for inflicting pain is not in your nature. However, you also knew what the consequences of your actions would be; my pain is unavoidable. Therefore I believe you did not undertake such an action without reason. Please talk to me. We cannot continue in this way." Michael pleads earnestly.
Philippa blinks back tears, but they do not fall. Michael is comfortable with silence and prepares to wait as long as it takes. They will not discuss the details of their relationship in public. The goal here is to get Philippa to stop running away any time they are together in the same room.
The hint of the wedding ring chain is glinting in the sun. Michael finds the light interplay mesmerising. It is gratifying to see that Philippa values the gesture.