Work Text:
Period of Adjustment
Drunken groping that first night aside, BJ turns out to be a perfect gent, faithful to a fault.
Hawk isn't surprised. BJ radiates decency and wholesomeness, he's a bright spot in a dark place, and while Hawkeye will warm himself in that, and will happily ply BJ with liquor and tempt him with shenanigans, there's no way he's going to risk tarnishing BJ's basic goodness any more than this place will tarnish it anyway. BJ deserves better than that, better than Hawkeye can give. Hawk likes him too much to take advantage.
Somehow (much to Hawk's delight, if he's honest), BJ has become a regular visitor to his cot anyway. As Hawk predicted, they haven't talked about it, or about this, but it's hard to care too much when BJ is right here in his arms.
Hawk isn't reading anything into it. BJ's overwhelmed and misses his family; in that first twenty-four hours, they learned to trust each other deep and quick, the furnace of war and sex jumpstarting their intimacy so it's hard to believe they've barely known each other a week. BJ has been following his lead and backing up his schemes without missing a beat since Kimpo.
Of course they've turned to one another. Of course they're best friends.
Just because Hawk has also fallen catastrophically in love doesn't change anything, doesn't make BJ any less in love with his wife, doesn't make the way they cling to one another in the dark more than a desperate survival instinct. Doesn't lend more significance to the way they talk all night about everything and nothing until Hawk feels like he knows BJ better than he knows himself.
It still makes him feel more whole and alive than he can remember feeling since he arrived in Korea, maybe more than he ever has. Life before the war is so distant he can't pretend his memory is reliable. All he's sure of is that holding on tight to BJ allows the horror to recede enough so he can breathe again; long after BJ is asleep, he stays awake to listen and watch and enjoy having BJ here with him.
BJ is not Trapper, but maybe that's not such a bad thing. It feels vaguely disloyal to like (love) BJ so much already, but Trap left without a note, and BJ is effortlessly and guilelessly laying claim to Hawk's love and affection and friendship, and Hawk can't summon up much guilt over it.
He should know better by now than to get complacent. When the next change comes, he's not ready for it, and it takes him a while to even realise it's arrived.
The consequences of a new CO (and regular army at that) are far-reaching. It's not until they go back to the tent and start dismantling Henry's bar (Hawk will always love BJ for that, even though they're taking it down) that it hits him how it will change... this. Whatever this is.
Frank is moving back into the Swamp. Frank hates them both. Frank has proven he has no sympathy whatsoever for whom a man might love, even when that man is a decorated hero. Frank would relish a chance to ruin either or both of their lives to the greatest extent he could.
There's no way BJ will be spending any more nights in Hawk's bed.
Hawk wishes he'd foreseen this. If he'd known... it wouldn't have changed what he did, but maybe he would have savoured it more. He wouldn't have woken BJ this morning, wouldn't have hurried to build the bar. He would have spent a few more minutes with his face pressed into BJ's throat and his hand on BJ's skin, making sure the sight and scent and feel of BJ Hunnicutt was indelibly branded into his brain.
It's not like he thought it would last forever - he's reminded himself over and over again that even if everything else were different, Hawkeye Pierce doesn't do permanent. But he fooled himself into forgetting the war has a habit of screwing him over the second he gets comfortable, and he's seldom been as comfortable or happy as he's been this week. He wants to kick himself for taking any of it for granted, even for a moment.
He doesn't say anything to BJ, and BJ doesn't say anything to him, but he is intimately, obsessively familiar with BJ's face; he's sure he's not alone in his realisation, although he doesn't want to think about whether BJ will be disappointed or relieved.
Razzing Frank is a decent enough distraction, and BJ joins in flawlessly, like he always does, but Hawk just wants Frank to go away and leave them in peace and not wreck... whatever this is.
Then Frank does go away but it's not like Hawkeye and BJ can talk about anything serious here. There's no time and no privacy, and Hawk's used to that, but he also (much too quickly) got used to having time and privacy at night. Now they don't even have that to look forward to.
The tent flaps are rolled up and the Swamp might as well be Grand Central with all the traffic in and out. After yet another disturbance while they're making repairs to the still, they exchange a look. Hawk wants to apologise, as if it's his fault this has happened. (Maybe it is his fault for not seeing it coming.)
Then BJ grabs his elbow and tugs, and Hawkeye lets himself be lead. It's not like he has anywhere else he needs to be, and he sure as hell doesn't have anywhere he wants to be more than he wants to be wherever BJ is. He's not proud. He would follow BJ anywhere, given half a chance. He's hoping for a moment of privacy, hoping like hell that's what BJ wants too, and is more relieved than surprised when BJ takes him to the supply room and shuts them in.
It's slightly awkward. If he were here with someone less decent and honourable than BJ, Hawk would count this as a deeply promising scenario; he's had more trysts of various kinds in here than he would care to count. But it's BJ, and Hawk's sure that is not on the cards, and so he doesn't know what to expect.
He swallows back his nerves. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm- I guess I was used to not having Frank in our space. I suppose it's too much to hope that he won't come back."
Hawkeye laughs. (He could seriously hate himself for how warm it makes him feel when BJ refers to the Swamp as 'ours', except that he's too busy enjoying it.)
"This week would've been a hell of a lot tougher without you," BJ says.
"I said I'd be there for you. That hasn't changed, BJ."
God, BJ's smile. Hawk isn't going to tire of it in a hurry.
They stand there for a moment, looking at each other, and Hawkeye both wishes he knew what was going through BJ's mind and is incredibly glad BJ can't see what's going through his. BJ probably wouldn't be horrified, he might not even be surprised, but it wouldn't be good for either of them to share those desires.
Hawk remembers vividly and gloriously what it's like to kiss and touch and love this man. But BJ was only his for one illicit moment. A little innocent cuddling doesn't change anything. BJ belongs to Peggy; Hawkeye is not going to let himself forget, however much he'd like to.
"Hawk, I-" BJ stops for a moment, searches Hawkeye's face, takes a step closer. "I want you to know I don't regret it. Any of it. Any of it."
Hawk has to shut his eyes. BJ's voice is low and sincere, and his words lodge themselves somewhere in Hawk's chest and Hawkeye isn't sure if he's more likely to cry or scream or throw himself bodily at BJ. How is it that BJ can do this to him, leave him simultaneously flayed and soothed, after one week? It isn't fair.
But he would still much rather have BJ than not. And he has no idea how he could possibly put any of this into words.
"Hawk?"
He takes a couple of deep breaths and wills himself not to do anything too stupid or obvious, then looks up at BJ again. BJ who is simply watching him, no pity, no censure on his face, just warmth, affection, and concern.
Hawkeye shakes his head and manages to dig up a smile, because there are worse things in life than to have a best friend like BJ Hunnicutt and to be in love with him. "I don't regret it either," he says. "Didn't then. Don't now." His voice is a little rough around the edges, but it's BJ, and Hawk trusts BJ not to hold that against him.
"Good." BJ grasps Hawkeye's shoulders gently. "I'm glad."
They're standing close, too close for Hawk to be able to think any longer. BJ smiles, and Hawk both wants to bathe in it and escape from it. It's too soft, too tender, too much everything he wants and can't have. He should distance himself, but he can't love by halves and doesn't want to try.
He can't stop wondering what BJ is thinking, and if he'll ever get to share a bed with BJ again, and what might have happened if they'd met sooner or in different circumstances, what if, what if, what if? BJ squeezes his shoulders, and he's so warm, and Hawk involuntarily moves closer, because he hasn't had enough, can't get enough, and he can only hope that either his hopeless devotion is less obvious than he fears, or that BJ will at least be charitable about it.
The very last thing he expects as a response is for BJ to cup his face in both hands, lean in with agonising slowness, and kiss him.
It's light and gentle, and if it were anyone else, Hawk would read very little into it. But it's BJ, BJ who is so devoted to his wife, BJ who follows Hawk around the camp like a duckling trailing after its mom, BJ whom he's spent the last few nights memorising like he's expecting a test. BJ, whom Hawk should not love this much, this soon. BJ, who is inevitably going to break Hawkeye's heart and whom he has already preemptively forgiven.
Hawk is not stupid. Hawk knows that tenderness like this from a man like BJ is never casual; soft as it is, this is as far from casual as it could be.
When the kiss breaks, BJ doesn't move out of his space, leaning in and resting his forehead against Hawkeye's.
"What was that for?" Hawk asks. He means it to be jokey, a bit facetious, a lot amused, but somehow it comes out soft and fond and wistful.
"For luck?"
Hawkeye can't help but chuckle at his own excuse thrown back at him. "I think we need more than luck to deal with Ferret Face."
BJ grabs Hawk's hands and holds on tight, and for some reason it makes Hawk feel about a thousand percent better. "Then call it a thank you."
Hawk laughs at that. What does BJ have to thank him for? BJ is keeping him sane and doing a damn fine job of it. As far as Hawkeye's concerned, anything and everything BJ might want in return is his for the taking. That and more, much more than BJ will ever think to want, never mind ask for.
BJ smiles again, that wide, bright smile Hawk is already addicted to. "We have each other's backs, right?"
God. Hawkeye wants to wrestle BJ into that strategically placed cot and do wicked, filthy things to him, and also wants to never have to let go of his hands. You sweet, beautiful man, he wants to say. In lieu of that, he nods. "Yes. Always."
"Then we'll be fine."
They look at each other for a long moment, and Hawk doesn't have the words to explain how much BJ's come to mean to him, how much having BJ's company this week has made everything so much better. How damn glad he is that BJ has come to this hellhole.
Instead, he steps forwards, lets himself crash into BJ's chest and wraps BJ up in the warmest, tightest hug he can summon up, and resolves to stay here as long as BJ (and the war) lets him. BJ laughs and hugs him back, and Hawk thinks maybe they will survive this after all.
~ fin ~