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Chapter Text

“Never let them see your weakness. Never let them see you hurting.”

At least that’s what his mama always told him.

Lance’s whole life revolved around strength. As the youngest child of a Cuba’s most distinguished General de Ejército he really didn’t have much room for weakness. He had had a gun in his hand from before he could walk; and from the moment he was born Lance was trained to do one thing and one thing only. Survive.

He was a gentle kid. He didn’t enjoy violence. He didn’t like being yelled at, or woken up at 4:00am to run 7 miles to the neighboring base, only to spend the day being thrown into walls by the other soldiers. He didn’t like being dragged away by the other men when they needed to relieve stress. He didn’t like that his father cared more for his Benelli M3 than his own son.

He didn’t like that if he were to die his father would only shake his head in disappointment, embarrassed that his son couldn’t even manage to make it past his teenage years.

When Lance received his first mission he wasn’t sure how to feel. In a way he was kinda happy, he had finally earned enough of his fathers trust and respect to be selected for a real mission. Then again, he was being sent away. Lance was being enrolled at the Galaxy Garrison in Arizona. His mission was to gather as much classified intel on the lost space shuttle to Pluto’s moon Kerberos as he could. It was suspected that the garrison was withholding vital information and Lance needed to get to the bottom of it.

From the moment he stepped foot off the plane Alejandro Riel Sanchez became Lance Ermano Mclain.

It's funny though, The one thing Lance had never been prepared for was what to do when he was suddenly shot into space with his two best friends, his rival, and the “dead” pilot of the Kerberos mission. He was never told what to do if you find a giant, magic, mechanical blue lion hidden in the depths of some dark cave deep in the ass crack of who knows where.

And now that he was in space, he was forced to become involved in a 10,000 year old intergalactic war that he was never meant to be a part of. Sure Lance had grown up surrounded by war. It was practically his whole life. But the others didn’t know that. To them Lance was the carefree flirtatious goofball. He was the team sharpshooter. For all they knew that was all he could do. They didn’t know that Lance could probably kill a man with nothing but a pencil and a piece of chewing gum. They didn’t know Lance could speak 13 languages or that this wasn’t his first war. They didn’t know that this wasn’t the first time he’s tried to die.

Chapter Text

“GET UP! WE DON’T HAVE ALL DAY CADET!”

The loud words pierced his ear drums. He tried to shake the blurriness from his mind and calm his racing heart from the rude awakening.

“Dad? Dad it’s three in the morning.”

Lance felt the cold air hit him as his blanket was snatched from his grip and he was roughly pulled up by the arm. His father’s iron grip was strong enough to leave bruises he would surely see come to the surface in the next few hours.

“I am not your father, I am your general. I am your superior; and you will address me as such.” He snarled, grip tightening as he brought lance closer to his face. “Do you understand?”

Lance attempted to swallow down his fear, Unconvincingly feigning fake confidence as he looked his father in the eyes. “Yes Sir.”

Without warning his father let him go; he yelped as he ungracefully landed on the floor of his tent. He hastily scrambled to his feet, ready for his father to berate him. “Now! Do you know why I am here cadet?”

“No Sir.” Lance replied immediately.

“Would you like to take a guess?”

“Umm…” Before he could think he felt the cold sting of a hand on his cheek; the sound of skin slapping skin echoed through the base.

His resolve broke, and Lance could feel the fear he was desperately trying to hide leak through the cracks as his father bored his eyes into him.

“No hesitation!” He bellowed.

And here, in a small tent somewhere in the middle of god knows where Cuba, wearing nothing but a pair of dirtied sweats; Lance stood in front of his father trembling like the scared child he was.

It was hard to remember how strong Lance was when he looked like a kicked puppy. Even at 16 years old Lance was a trained and deadly fighter, by far the most skilled out of his four other siblings even though he was the youngest.

His body was deceiving, and although malnutrition made him underweight and skinny, His tall and slender frame allowed for speed and agility; while his broad upper body allowed for the growth of muscle and strength. Despite this and no matter how strong or deadly he was, His father could alway strike fear into his soul. He was the only thing that could make Lance absolutely defenceless.

His father sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation. “Eres un niño inútil, Why do I even try with you.” He roughly he grabbed Lance’s wrist again, aggravating the healing cuts he had there. “Im assigning you to a mission. You are to report to the main building immediately to get ready for your flight and retrieve your files. You have 3 minutes.”

“PALADINS! PLEASE REPORT TO THE TRAINING ROOM!”

Lance was shaken from his dream by the ring of Allura’s voice over the comm system. He sat in a moment of confusion before looking to the small clock at the side of his bed. 8:38. He had 7 minutes to get to training. On a normal day he wouldn’t have cared; Having gotten so used to playing the role of the carefree Lance McClain, he was usually late on purpose. But, it was during the whole ‘Shiro clone phase’ that his mask had begun to crack, and Alejandro had really started to make a reappearance. So it was out of pure muscle memory when he jolted out of bed, threw on his armor and was out the door at record speed.

By the time Lance arrived at training, Shiro and Keith were already deep into a sparring match. Keith had long since re-joined the paladins of Voltron and stepped back into his rightful place as red paladin, the same for Lance and Blue. He barally cast them a glance before the words were slipping out of his mouth.

“Shiro your foot is out of alignment, Keith could easily trip your balance and gain the upperhand. You would be dead in a second.”

It was when his comment was met with the shocked silence of his fellow paladins that he finally registered what he had said. An apology sat on the tip of his tongue before he was cut off.

“Oh, Your right. Thanks Lance. Nice catch.” Shiro spoke calmly, quickly fixing his stance and continuing the match.

With a hand to his chest Lance let out a sigh of relief.

“Hey man!”

“Agk!”

He was once again startled out of his thoughts by his best friends entering the room. Hunk sent him an apologetic smile as he settled a hand on his shoulder. Smiling back Lance also felt Pidge give her annual moring arm pat as she walked by, before settling in the corner with her computer. She didn’t know it then, but that arm pat had saved his life on more than one occasion.

It wasn’t new for Lance to be dreaming about his past. Clone Shiro had really reminded Lance of his father, and after that whole situation he wasn’t surprised when his PTSD really settled in. He would dream of some of the worst moments of his life. The first time his father beat him so badly he nearly died. The first time he was ‘used’ by the other soldiers. The first time he saw the life drain from someone’s eyes. He would reflexively wake up at 3:30 in the morning for training; and spend the rest of the night running through the halls or fighting in the training room. He had laughed it off and called it insomnia when Keith found him in that state the first time. And the second.

Don’t get him wrong he loved being Lance. Never in his life had he ever been allowed to be tardy or have fun or even have friends! But Alejandro couldn’t stay hidden away forever, and he was breaking his way through the carefully constructed walls that had been put up very quickly.

And worst of all.

The other paladins were beginning to notice.

Shiro’s loud voice interrupted his downward spiral of panic causing him to lock his attention on the older man.

“Alright team! Now that everyone is here we are going to spend today analyzing individual performances. It occured to Allura and I that while we have seen how you all work as a team, we for the most part have never seen how you fight alone. For now you will each be taking turns battling a level 5 gladiator. Keith you’re up first.”

Lance watched Keith summand his bayard as stepped up to the battlefield, The hilt of his sword seeming to fit so perfectly in his hand. The way he moved with such confidence and power. It had been a long time since Lance had allowed himself to feel like that. Soon enough all of his teammates defeated the gladiator in their own way.

“Lance! You’re up!”

Lance stepped up to floor already wielding his Altean broad sword; and for the first time since he had been sent away from home; Lance unknowingly allowed himself to do something really dangerous.

He let his thoughts wonder.

Suddenly he was back home. He could hear the yelling and the fighting. He could smell the blood of the wounded; the scent of the rubbing alcohol that had become permanently etched into his nose. He could almost feel the way his father’s screams pierced his ears and scarred his mind. The broken noses, the black eyes, the slowly healing wounds. They way he would go for days without food because after feeding all the soldiers and his older siblings there just wasn’t enough left for him. He could feel the way his tears fell from his eyes as he dragged that dirty pocket knife across his wrist.

“Training simulation complete.”

He was suddenly sucked back into reality when the gladiator fell. His mind forced to catch up to his body and realize what he had just done. With his back to the team the only sounds that could be heard were that of his labored breaths and his bayard slipping from his grip and meeting the floor.

It wasn’t Lance who just beat the gladiator in less than a minutes time. It was Alejandro. He had blown his cover.

Finally taking a glance over his shoulder at his teammates, he was faced with their varying expressions of shock. Their eyes were blown wide and jaws hit the floor. 6 people who all thought they had their blue paladin all figured out had just seen an entirely different person on that training deck. And Lance, He didn’t want anyone to know who he was! He wasn’t ready! They would hate him! Kick him off the team! His father would kill him if he ever found out he blew his cover! He wasn’t ready for the team to know he had been lying to them this whole time! He wasn’t ready to be only Alejandro again.

“L...Lance! Tha...that….What was that?” Keith spoke in a whisper, as if he was afraid to disturb trip the already tipping balance of the room.

“I...I umm...I can’t...I..” Lance stuttered. Eyes blown wide he began to take small steps backwards, bringing a hand to his heaving chest. His eyes began to dart in every direction, desperate to gather and cling to the pieces of the mask he had so carefully hidden behind. “I don’t...I wasn’t t..trying to…..Please no...god no……..I didn’t m..mean to..”

He didn’t even notice that suddenly he was on the floor, the top layer of his armor being peeled away to allow his chest to expand fully. He could feel the soft pressure of a callused hand run itself up and down his spine as well as small delicate fingers thread themself through the sweaty locks of his hair. All of this comfort and support. It felt wrong.

Just like him. None of this tenderness was real! He knew that. These people who he had come to care for so dearly didn’t love him. They loved their friend Lance McClain. And that wasn’t him. He would much rather believe that he was something other than the broken mess that was underneath everything. He wished so much that he could could just ignore everything he was. He had tried so hard to never let these people see the worst part of himself.

“Calm down..everything is ok...Please Lance..” Shiro spoke tenderly. If he really focused he could almost imagine he was in his big brothers arms again, hearing his words; Back when he would help comfort him after a really bad moment.

“Don’t call me that…” He muttered between clenched teeth.

“What?”

“I said don’t call me that!” He burst out before quickly closing in on himself again. “I...I don’t deserve to b..be called that I…...I’m not who you think I am.”

Chapter Text

Well this just had to be one of the most uncomfortable moments of his life. All of team voltron now sat in the lounge, the whole room soon falling into tense silence as they waited for Lance to explain himself. No one had really thought to change out of their armor as they all sat in nothing but their black undersuits and leg plates.

None of them had really known what to think when Lance began to expertly dominate the training gladiator. Jaws hit the floor as he fought with a practiced deadly precision and strength that none of them even knew he had. What caught them all off guard the most though was the look in his eyes. He didn’t look determined, or scared, or even remotely put off. He looked like his mind was empty. He was in his own little world and he was ready to go for the kill. They were at a total loss of what to do the moment their friend turned into a completely different person right before their eyes.

Now Lance sat in the middle of them all as everyone awaited his explanation.

“Lance? Can you please tell us what’s going on?” Hunk asked hesitantly. Lance was his best friend; and while the idea of him having kept some huge life changing secret from even him hurt, he knew that if Lance was going to finally open up to anyone, It would be Hunk.

“I can’t....” Lance mumbled in response, his teeth clenched as he willed himself not to cry.

“Why?” Shiro asked cutting in.

“Because you’ll hate me.”

They had no idea what was happening. What secret could he possibly have that was so terrible he felt all of his teammates would suddenly hate him if they found out. The only thing they knew for sure was that their friend was breaking apart inside as they spoke, and that just wasn’t ok.

“Lance….Come on look at me.” Keith said, coming over from where he had been sitting on the opposite side of the room. Kneeling down in front of him, he looked up at Lance’s pained expression and watched as the tears rolled silently down his caramel cheeks. “I promise that no matter what, no one here is going to hate you. No one hated me when I told everyone I was part galra…. You can tell us anything because we’re family and we…..we love you. We love you Lance. You can trust us.”

Finally lifting his head, Lance met the supportive and loving glances of his teammates. These people that he had somehow found more of a family in than his actual father. These people who had promised to love him simply because they wanted to. They chose to love him as much as they could see he loved them. With these amazing individuals he wasn’t just a soldier. Someone whose death would be met with a disappointed head shake and nothing else. He was their friend. Their teammate. Their family. Lance made his choice then, and taking a shaky breath, he prepared himself for Alejandro’s official return to his world.

“My...M..My real name is Alejandro Reil Sanchez and I was a spy sent by the Cuban military to collect classified intel on the lost shuttle to Kerberos.”

To say the other paladins were surprised would be an understatement. They had expected a lot of things to come out of Lance’s…’ Alejandro’s?’ mouth but...um….That had not been one of them…

“W..what?” Keith stuttered out from his place still kneeling in front of Lance.

“I pretended to be a student at the garrison. Lance McClain was my alias. I was only sent there because I was the only one they had who was young enough to be a student. I’ve had a gun in my hand since I could stand on two legs, I speak 13 languages a..and I...I just…..I….”

Lance’s eyes clenched shut desperately in an attempt to keep the tears at bay, although anyone could see the way they streamed down his face like rain on a car window. His hands trembled severely before Keith finally gathered himself enough to reach up and pull Lance’s hand away from where it was clawing at his bicep. He flinched at the sudden contact but didn’t make an effort to pull his hand away from Keith’s hold.

“A..and before you ask, You can keep calling me Lance. I’m a huge fake and it’s not my real name but…..I’m just so used to it now and….and it….I can’t……”

Everyone had varying reactions. Shiro sat still, forearms rested against his thighs as he lent forward with a stoic but thoughtful expression. Keith nealed in front of Lance, keeping a firm hold on his hand even though his mind still seemed to be processing everything he’d just been told. Hunk looked as if he was holding back his own shocked tears. And Pidge. No one could really read how Pidge was feeling right now. “Please don’t leave me.”

That broke every single one of them.

“What? No one’s going to leave you Lance.” Shiro spoke. Getting up he walked over and took a seat next to the emotionally compromised boy. It wasn’t hard for any normal person with eyes to notice that Lance hadn’t stopped shaking since they had gotten there. Shiro had always thought that Lance looked too skinny, but even so, there was also clearly defined muscle throughout his frame. He wondered how it had possibly taken him so long to notice how unhealthy his teammate really was.

What shattered them all the most though is when Shiro went to put a supportive hand on Lance’s shoulder, and he flinched away.

Shiro’s now glossy eyes widened, his hand still raised and frozen in the air as he watched his friend surge away from his touch. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why. “Oh Lance.” That triggered a whole new wave of tears amongst them. All of them had to wonder how much of what they knew about their teammate was a lie.

“Hey Shiro, can you give Lance and I a second?” Pidge asked as she stood, quietly sniffing and wiping her wet eyes with the back of her hand. “Please.”

Shiro nodded firmly and ushered everyone outside the room, Keith giving Lance’s hand a final comforting squeeze before getting up as well. Once everyone was gone Pidge hopped up on the couch and sat at Lance’s side. She didn’t really know what she had been planning to say once she got this far. But now, as she sat stiff and cross-legged next to her friend; vulnerable and scared with his gaze locked on the floor, She found the words spilling out of her mouth on their own.

“It’s exhausting isn’t it?” She said leaning into him a bit.

“What?” He had a confused look on his face as he brought his eyes up to meet her gaze.

“Becoming a completely new person. Spying. That constant fear that someone is going to figure you out and everything you’ve sacrificed will be for nothing.”

Lance stared unblinkingly at her. She could almost see the gears turning in his brain and processing her words. Hot tears welled up in his eyes again, spilling down his cheeks as he snapped his eyes closed and let out a small giggle. His shoulders shook while he brought a hand up and wiped his cheek. “Yeah...Yeah it is..”

“But isn’t it really satisfying when you know you’ve fooled everyone? Kinda makes you feel like a superhero in disguise!….Also makes you realize how fucking stupid everyone is.” That got another giggle and a nod out of him.

“I’m with you Lance. I don’t know much about your tragic anime backstory, but I know that we will love whoever is hiding underneath the alias just as much.” Pidge sent him a supportive sisterly smile. Though things were getting a little too tender for her comfort, so she did what any normal socially awkward teen would do.

“OW!” He screeched bringing his hand up to rub his freshly punched bicep and what would surely be a new bruise.

“Sorry all of that was getting way too gooey for me.” Shrugging her shoulders she hopped off the couch and began to walk towards the door, no doubt to get the others. “Oh and Lance?”

“Yeah?”

“Love you.” Turning she exited the room and left Lance to himself. He blinked in shock before the corners of his mouth were uncontrollably curling upwards in a blinding grin. He couldn’t tell anymore whether the tears streaming down his face and dripping onto his knees were good or bad.

Keith was a bit taken aback when he re-entered the lounge. The smile on Lance’s face lit up the whole room. Keith thought he knew what Lance looked like when he smiled, but looking at him now, he wondered how he could have ever mistaken those wannabe fake grins for the real thing. Because right now, Lance was the most ethereal being he had ever seen. Keith felt his chest tighten in a way it never had before as a single breath of air left him. He had never really known what people meant when they said their heart “fluttered”. But he was pretty sure this was it. He pushed it aside in favor of walking back over to his friend.

“Wow Pidge cheered you up. Didn’t think she had it in her.” Keith joked. Lance’s smile turned into more of a content grin as chuckled softly as he met Keith's gaze.

“Yeah. She just made me realize that we a lot more in common than I thought.” Smiling, he turned his head to the side a bit, unintentionally revealing the side of his neck. Keith felt the air leave him when he noticed a jagged thin scar just sticking out from underneath the black undersuit. He carefully raised a tentative hand to lightly touch it. Lance tensed and sucked in a small gasp. Keith instantly ripped his hand way as if he had been burned.

“It’s ok….” Lance spoke so quietly that Keith almost missed it. “What?”

“You can touch it.” Again Keith reached out his hand, fingers lightly grazing the raised skin.

“What happened?” He didn’t mean to say it, it just slipped out. “No wait I’m sorry you don’t have to answer that!”

“No...I...I want you to know.” Lance turned himself this time to fully face the black-haired boy. He shuddered but centered himself. In a way he was kind of relieved, to finally be able to talk about it, let it all out.

“I got that one protecting my big sister Veronica. The uh...The other soldiers would come and um….use her sometimes. Other times they would go to my other sister. I didn’t know about any of it until I was there when one of them came to ‘relieve some stress’ or something stupid like that. He started to unzip his pants and she started shaking. I got so mad, then one thing led to another and suddenly his hand was around my neck and I was underneath him instead.” An anguished gasp left Keith’s mouth. “They used me a lot after that.” He desperately gripped onto Lance’s forearms; his knuckles turning white. Lance’s light wince went unnoticed.

“Oh god Lance.” His voice was thick, eyes glossed over with unshed sympathetic tears. How could someone do something so horrible to a child? How could someone do that to anyone!? It just wasn’t fair. Lance could feel Keith’s fingers aggravate a few of his fresher cuts as he clung onto his arms. He would have to rebandage those when he got back to his room.

“Keith. Come on don’t cry. I..It was a long time ago. I’m okay.” Said boy nodded and aggressively wiped away a tear. Shiro chose that moment to reenter the room. He smiled softly while he took in the scene before him. Both of his teammates sitting contently together, each with tear tracks and kind smiles on their faces while they gazed at each other. That warm smile fell off his face pretty fast when he saw the red.

“Keith? Why is there blood on your hands?”

The color drained away from both boys faces as Keith drew his hands away from Lance’s forearms, bringing spots of red with him.

Chapter Text

“I can’t believe something so worthless has my DNA running through its veins.” His father snarled through gritted teeth.

“Dad I…” The 13 year old began to plead.

“Get out of my sight.”

Lance had sprinted back to his bunk so fast he didn’t register his own salty tears falling until he closed the door. His back leaned against it as his gasps for air slowly derived into choking sobs that clawed their way out of his chest. His hands pulled at his brown hair while he curled into himself on the cold hard floor. If his father loathed him so much then Lance would get out of his way.

His hands carded desperately through his bag before they finally settled on the cold metal of his pocket knife. He held the dirty tool up to his face and watched the way the light reflected off the rusted steel. Wrists itching with anticipation, he made the first cut.

It was small and barely bled, but it felt so good. Like everything that was hurting inside was being released through the openings he made in his skin. His father hated his blood? Fine. He would get rid of it. With that thought Lance brought the knife down upon the base of his wrist; and with no mercy he slit the sharp edge across.

Blood sprayed everywhere as his body drained itself. Red washed across the floor of the bland grey bunker like art. As Lance lied on the middle of the floor, the edges of his vision blurring in and out, he felt the first wave of regret overtake him. He didn’t want to die today. As shitty as everything was he wasn’t ready. Veronica and Maria still needed him. Marco and Louis still needed him. All four of them needed their baby brother to get through this hell.

Only faintly registering the sound of the door opening. Someone’s shrill scream was the last thing he heard before everything turned dark.
----
Keith could feel his heart pounding out of his chest as he drew his hands away from where they had been previously gripping Lance’s forearms. There were smudges of crimson painting his skin, Lance’s blood, Was lightly dripping off his nail beds and sending him into a panic.

“Lance! Why are you bleeding?!” He didn’t think he had been clutching Lance’s arms hard enough to break the skin.

Neither of them had an opportunity to react properly before Shiro was suddenly standing above them. “Lance show me your arm.” He demanded. Shiro hoped desperately his assumption was wrong. God please let him be wrong. Those hopes didn't stop the pounding of his nervous pulse and the shaking of his human hand as he reached it out.

“It's fine Shiro! The..The training bot just nicked me! I’ll just go to the infirmary and wrap this up!” Lance made a quick attempt at turning around, ready to bolt out of the room. But as fast as he was, Shiro was faster. Shiro caught his arm in a firm grasp and in less than a second he was yanking Lance’s sleeve up.

Layers upon layers of cuts. Layers and layers showcasing years of pain and mental anguish. Raised pink lines decorated different parts of his body, some clean and straight, some jagged and curved. Each one told the story of a time in Lance’s life when everything had just gotten too loud.

The three men stared at each other in a distressed silence. Tears fell freely down Lance’s face as he instinctively tried hopelessly to put any of his mask back on. But he couldn’t, he was completely raw and out in the open. He didn’t want this, it was too much too fast. His whole world had gone from 0-100 in less than 2 hours. He stared at the floor and let his hair fall in his face, clenched his fists so hard his knuckles turned white and his nails cut his palms. He couldn’t handle disappointing Shiro again, disappointing Keith...

“Lance. You’re a cutter?” Shiro spoke quietly though you could clearly hear the shakiness in his voice. “H...How did I never notice you were this sad?” He mumbled to himself.

“It has nothing to do with that Shiro.” Lance spoke through gritted teeth. He wasn’t surprised that Shiro assumed this was all chalked up to depression. He wanted everyone to shut up.

“What do you mean! I’m your leader and i’ve been letting you hurt yourself.”

“I’ve been doing this much longer than you’ve been looking after me!” Lance yelled. The whole room froze. Only Lance’s soft sobs could be heard as the gravity of what was happening started to crush into them.

Lance was breaking.

Keith didn’t really think before he threw himself at Lance. The cuban boy let out a startled yelp at the sudden contact. Keith closed his eyes and held Lance close to himself, almost worried that if he let go Lance would crumble away to nothing at his feet.

“Keit-” Lance began to speak before the man in his arms cut him off.

“Let me help you.” Keith whispered into his ear. He felt a calloused hand come up to cradle the back of his head. Long strong fingers threaded tenderly through his short brown hair; Lance could feel his breathing began to even out. “Please.”

“I don’t know if I-” He was interrupted again. Keith pulled himself back just a bit, missing the small whine Lance let out at the loss of contact. His hand stayed at the nape of Lance’s neck while his other came up to gently cup his jaw.

“If I was able to stop, I know you can too.” The words were barely audible yet Lance heard every syllable loud and clear. Had Keith really? He didn’t know whether to feel relieved or devastated. He settled with both. Choking out another sob Lance threw his arms around Keith's shoulders and buried his face into the crook of his neck.

“Thank you.”
-----

After his talk with Keith and Shiro they had both come back to Lance’s room with him, bandaged his arm, and then flushed all his blades. It had taken a lot of persuading and hand holding to finally convince him to tell his teammates where he hid them. He couldn’t help but choke on a sob as he watched the sharp metal slip away down the drain and out of his reach. Strong arms wrapped around him from behind and held him close, the slightly shorter boy whispering comforting reassurances as he rocked them side to side. It was kind of weird, how much more comfortable Keith had become with human contact after being away from the team and reuniting with his mother.

“We're proud of you Lance.’ Shiro said gently stroking the hair out of Lance's eyes. “That was a hard thing to do.”

Lance didn’t reply. All he could do was stand there and feel the weight of last few hours finally crash down on him. He was lucky Keith still had his arms around him when his legs gave out from beneath him; sending him crashing to the tiled floor.

“Woah woah!”

Startled, Keith lowered them to the floor and moved himself around to kneel in front of him. “Lance?”

“Im tired.” He muttered.

Keith gave him a small nod and sent Shiro distressed look, silently asking for help.

“Yeah. Ok, why don’t you get some sleep.” Looping his arms underneath the Cubans shoulders, Keith halled him off the floor. He placed a sturdy hand on his lower back and began to lead him back to his bed.

Nobody mentioned the tiny red stains dotting the sheets when he pulled the covers back.

Lance dropped like a weight onto the mattress, too emotionally drained to even try and look okay. He barely noticed when hands began removing the armor still protecting his legs. Letting his eyes fall shut he let sleep whisk him away from reality, if only for a little while.

***************************************

Keith now sat silently beside Lance, his fingers gently played with the hairs that rested at the nape of his neck. Looking down at the boy it was almost as if he was seeing him for the first time. He could see the brown freckles that lightly dotted his face; and the dark bags that rested under his eyes; giving away days upon weeks of lost rest. He could see the way his features anxiously tensed while he dreamt.

“Shiro….We have to fix this.” He breathed out.

“I know.”

“Where do we even start?”

“We could start by getting to know him.” Shiro shrugged as if it were the simplest thing in the world. Keith turned to find Shiro gently leaning back against Lance’s dresser, his arms crossed in his normal neutral position.

“What do you mean?”

“Keith, we know nothing about him. The Lance were going to see at breakfast tomorrow is going to be a completely new person. We need to start over and get to know the real him. And we need to show him were ok with that.”

Switching his attention back to Lance, Keith glanced down at his sleeping form. “You’re right” The Lance they had all come to know wasn’t real; only a character he had been forced to play. It was in that moment that Keith realized he wanted to know him. He wanted to know everything and anything he could about the beautiful young man that laid before him. He wanted to fight for him. Alongside him. He wanted to be the one to put that wonderful smile back on his face.

Shiro sent Keith a soft knowing grin before pushing himself to a standing position. “Come on Keith, lets go to bed. You need some sleep too.”

“In a minute, I’m just gonna stay here with him a bit longer.”

“Alright.” Shiro sighed “Goodnight Keith.”

“G’night.” He replied automatically.

As he watched the door close, that moment almost a year ago flashed through his mind.

“Leave the math to Pidge.”

Keith had been trying to tell Lance not to overthink it. That Lance didn’t need to decide that he was the teammate that got subtracted.

Looking back maybe that wasn’t how it had come across. He remembered the frown that had overtaken Lance’s face just as the door shut behind him. The way the fake smile that sat on his face had vanished as if it had never even been there in the first place. Lance had told him that he didn’t feel worthy of being a paladin, that we was afraid of holding the team back. Lance was depressed; and deep down Keith had known it for a long time.

“I can’t wait to get to know you.” He whispered as he ran his fingers through the sleeping boy hair. “And fall for you all over again.”

Chapter Text

It wasn’t until late afternoon the next day that a newly rested Lance wandered into the dining area. He had changed out of his paladin undersuit and into a t-shirt and sweats along with a pair of big rectangular glasses that rested comfortably on the bridge of his nose. Blue lion slippers adorned his feet as he made his way to the table. Keith took note of the way his messy brown hair glowed in the light of the castle where it curled up slightly at the ends.

“Hey Buddy! Did you sleep okay?” Hunk greeted from his seat across the table.

“Yeah” Lance replied simply while taking his usual seat next to Keith.

“That’s good. You must be hungry.”

Before he really had a chance to reply Hunk was sliding a nice heaping bowl of goo across the table.

Huffing out a small laugh Lance replied. “Thanks, Hunk.” And gave the boy a small reserved smile.

After that the awkward tension that wafted across the table could have been cut with a knife. No one really knew what to say. They attempted casual conversation but it was like walking on a creaky floor and trying desperately not to make any noise.

“Lance! I didn’t know you wore glasses.” Pidge said apprehensively as she fiddled with the end of her spoon.

“Heh…Yeah, I’m actually super blind. My glasses used to break a lot back home so I just prefer contacts most of the time and my glasses when I’m alone.”

“Why wear them now though?” Shiro chipped in.

“My eyes are really sore after all the crying yesterday. It hurt too much to put my contacts in.”

The whole room frowned at that. It wasn’t unusual per se to see someone on the team have a bad day or in need of a shoulder to cry on. But it was never fun seeing someone you love hurting.

It was only when the two Alteans seated at the end of the table glanced at each other in confusion that anyone realized that neither of them hadn’t been there for Lance’s breakdown. Nervous glances were sent around the table as the others questioned what to say to their alien friends. From his seat the Cuban boy let out a loud sigh, causing everyone to look towards him curiously.

“Guys. I know this is really weird for all of you, but I can’t handle this…” he waved his hands in his lap as he searched for the word “trepidation. So if you have any questions you want to get off your chest. Go ahead.”

It was Keith who startled the most at that. Don’t get him wrong they all had a million questions, but none of them had thought Lance would be ok addressing everything so soon. He glanced over at said boy and immediately took in his overly stiff posture and the way his hands were shaking.

Before he had a chance to question himself Keith reached over and took the trembling hand in his own. He didn’t show any reaction aside from the small hitch in his breath; Keith was about to pull his hand away when he felt Lance thread their fingers together and lightly squeeze his hand.

It must have done something because the moment he squeezed back he watched as tension Lance’s shoulders seemed to melt away. Neither of them mentioned the blush on the others cheeks.

“I myself do have a question….What exactly are we asking questions about?” Coran piped in.

“Yes, I am rather confused.” Allura added on.

They all held their breath as they watched Lance prepare to answer. Bringing up the hand that was not currently occupied by Keith’s, he ran his quivering fingers through his hair, although he calmed slightly when Keith began using his thumb to rub soothing lines over his knuckles at seeing his apprehension return.

“My real name isn’t Lance McClain.” He started off.

At that alone though he watched the Altean’s eyes shoot open in surprise. “What do you mean Lance isn’t your real name? Why on Altea would you be using a pseudonym?” Coran replied loudly.

Lance cringed slightly at that. “I was a spy sent to the garrison as a student in an attempt to gather classified information about the Kerberos mission.”

The markings on their cheeks seemed to drop to the floor simultaneously with their mouths. Meanwhile, Keith’s thumb never stopped rubbing soothing circles on the back of his hand.

“Ah.” Coran replied, “Well, that is quite the surprise.”

“.…..What IS your real name then?” Allura questioned with a tilt of her head.

“A..Alejandro.”

It felt weird. To say it out loud. To say his birth name. It didn’t feel right anymore. It didn’t feel like him.

“Well, I'll have to adjust to calling you by your correct name Alejan…”

“NO!” Lance called out, loudly interrupting the royal and startling the rest of the room.“No….please don’t call me that….I….I don’t…Just keep calling me Lance. Please.”

Allura slowly brought her hand down from where it had shot to her chest in surprise. “Oh…alright.” She hastily cleared her throat as if to center herself before continuing. “Well Lance, I am glad you felt safe enough to share this part of yourself with us. We can begin to become a closer team now that there are no secrets among us. Paladins you may continue.”

Lance released a long-held sigh of relief at hearing the princess so readily accept his secret. Looking over Lance saw Keith looking at him with the most wonderful smile on his face and holy shit if that didn’t make his heart beat a little bit faster. He felt him give his hand a light squeeze of encouragement and nod towards him in silent support. He could do this.

“Any other questions?”

The rest of the meal was spent answering the onslaught of questions from the rest of his teammates; Keith's grip never releasing his hand.

Everything came to a halt when Coran asked the doting question “So if you are supposedly a trained and skilled fighter, does that mean you have been suppressing your abilities training?”

And that is how Lance found himself in the middle of the training deck with nothing but a dagger as he summoned a level 12 combat simulator.

“Start training sequence level 12!”

Shiro felt his heartbeat in his ears when he heard his teammate call out for such an advanced simulator. He had been training in the castle for months not including his time in the gladiator rings and his karate training as a child, and he had only just gotten past level 13.

But, regardless of his fear, Shiro knew he could trust Lance to make smart choices. If he was going to call on such a powerful gladiator; he was going to do so knowing he would come out on top.

The 2 gladiators dropped fluidly from the ceiling directly in front of the Cuban. He steadied his mind and let himself fall into position. It wasn’t that unlike his usual form in paladin training, but his feet stood farther apart in a wider and lower stance. His dagger rested confidently in his hand, the hilt pointing towards his face as the blade protruded outward. A closed fist was held firm and clenched just under his jaw.

Lance focused on regulating his breathing as he eyed the two gladiators standing before him, knees bent, his weight balanced on the balls of his feet; always prepared to move.

His eyes steeled in the same way they had when he had revealed his identity. They looked on focused and completely devoid of any and all emotion. After a few antagonizing seconds, The fight began and Lance shot towards the two bots like a bullet.

Lance dodged and ducked; punched and kicked. His movements were confident as he fought with that fierce look. He moved so fluidly, like he and his dagger were one, a mere extension of himself. He preferred precise strikes towards a target’s weak points compared to going all in and overpowering his opponent.

He leapt into a back handspring, landing on his toes solidly. Turning swiftly he gripped the dagger before running back into battle. The multiple bots came at him at once; but Lance moved quickly, dropping down and kicking out the legs of one; before shooting back up to his feet and elbowing the head off another.

Whipping back around Lance was once again face to face with the first bot; With one swift motion used the dagger to stab it directly though the power core that rested on its chest. He watched it spark as the glowing white light faded from the glowing veins that rested on its metal limbs.

Jaws hit the floor.

After catching his breath Lance turned around, his sweat-soaked hair flying back to reveal his face. In that moment, Lance wore the face of a valiant soldier. His teeth were clenched tight giving away the stress he was feeling. But even so, Keith saw the way he stood straight, the way the corner of his lips turned up just enough. The shining blue eyes that could rival the ocean itself that he admired so much; were just filled to the brim with relief.

It made him smile too.

**************************

It was two weeks since the team had learned of Lance's secret. And now that his secret was out, Lance's mind was a little occupied with other things.

“Hey Keith?”

“Yeah?” Keith responded from his place on the couch. His head lifted from where it was previously lolled back, his arms lounging lazily on the edge. “What's up?”

“Do you think I’ll ever find someone who loves me?”

Lance turned his head from where he had been reading on a tablet Pidge had made for them. Considering all the books in the castle's library were in Altean and other intergalactic languages they needed some way to translate them. The book Lance had been previously invested in was about a beautiful alien princess whose father wanted her to marry another planets prince so their kingdom wouldn’t go bankrupt, but she was already in love with her maid. Right now they were sneaking away in the dead of night to visit a witch who could help them fake the princess's tragic death so they could run away together.

“What are you talking about Lance? Everyone here loves you.”

“No no I know that. I just mean, you know…” Lance replied, his eyes shyly raising from the floor to glance at Keith before quickly retreating back down “Romantically.”

Keith stared at Lance in quiet shock. Where did that question come from? And why would Lance ask him of all people? Was it just because he was the closest person at the moment? It wasn’t like Keith was inexperienced or anything. He had had just as many romantic encounters as the next average teenager. Although considering the circumstances Lance didn’t particularly qualify as an “average” teenager.

Maybe…Did…..Did he know about his feelings? Was this Lance's way of calling him out?

“You know what…never mind it was a stupid question.”

“No! Well, I-I mean; Theirs no reason someone wouldn't love you.”

A strangled laugh left Lance’s mouth as he replied. “There are a ton of reasons why people wouldn’t love me.”

Keith’s frown grew larger at those words. “Lance…”

“I’m depressed and anxious, covered in scars; I reek of insecurity and trust issues. And don’t even get me started on how annoying my PTSD is to deal with. Plus-“

“Lance.” Keith said moving closer to Lance.

It seemed like a dam had broken in Lance's mind and now that the stream had started he couldn’t stop it. Everything he found unloveable about himself just poured out. “-Im so loud all the time; and now everyone else here is carrying around my stupid baggage because I couldn’t keep my mouth shut!-“

“LANCE!”

His eyes widened as he jolted back into reality; only just realizing that he had been rambling. Or that Keith was significantly closer than he was before. A strangled noise crawled its way out of his throat as he opened his mouth to apologize. “I…”

“Who even cares about all that? So you’ve got baggage! We’ve all got baggage! What matters is that you’re kind and smart, and brave. You’re selfless and passionate, and the most gregarious person i’ve ever met. You’re amazing in combat and that's not even including your sharpshooting which is on a whole other level entirely!”

At some point Keith had gotten to his feet and begun pacing, big steps and wide hand gestures emphasizing his point. The Cuban sat silently still in his seat, his heart beating rapidly in his chest.

“And you're always helping everyone on the team whether it’s making sure Pidge sleeps and eats or calming Hunk down when he gets too anxious or helping Coran clean around the castle. Lance how couldn’t someone fall in love with you?”

Silence encompassed the room. All Lance could focus on was the rise and fall of Keith’s chest as he calmed down from his rant. Before he could really question himself he slowly rose to his feet and gingerly approached. “Even you?”

Keith's head snapped around to finally look at him, his eyes blown wide. “What?”

It was a risk; being so forward with the half galran. But he needed to know. “Could….Could you fall in love with me?”

His voice was quiet; Barely a whisper. The question hung in the air around them as Lance stood petrified.

They were close now. Lance could just barely feel Keith’s breath on his nose. He forgot how to breathe; he could feel his pulse hammering beneath his skin. His hands were nearly vibrating with how hard they were shaking. Maybe this was a bad idea. He should have never said anything.

Before he could open his mouth to apologize though he felt a soft pressure on his lips. It didn’t take long for him to realize that that pressure was another pair of lips. Keith's lips. Although as quick as it started it ended and soon the soft lips were retreating back.

Lance stared at the other man with shocked eyes. It was like he was waiting to wake up from whatever crazy wonderful dream this was. Keith's nervous half-lidded gaze did nothing to calm the rapid beating of his heart.

“Yes.”

Chapter Text

“Yes.” Keith had said.

Lance stood there in stunned silence trying to process the single word he had just heard come out of Keith’s mouth in response to his question.

“Could you fall in love with me?” He had asked...and Keith said yes!

“Lance? Are you okay?” Keith asked. It had been nearly a minute since he had kissed Lance, and he just stood there in shock. Maybe he had moved to fast. Lance was going through so much right now! What was he thinking?! Confessing now! Before he had a chance to fight with himself anymore though Lance launched himself into Keith’s arms, crashing their lips together.

Automatically Keith’s hands moved up to grip Lance’s waist, catching himself as he stumbled back from the force of the other boy jumping on him. Their lips moved together, the two of them exploring this new territory. It wasn’t the best kiss, a bit sloppy and their teeth clashed together at times. But right now none of that mattered. Lance’s hands moved from Keith’s hair where they had gripped originally, slowly sliding down to his neck before Lance pulled away.

Their foreheads rested together as both boys caught their breath, their cheeks flushed pink.

“I’ve wanted to do that since the first time I saw you.” Lance whispered. Keith could feel his breath against his face as he talked. The taste of the Cuban boy’s lips still on his mouth. He impulsively licked his lips, watching as Lance’s eyes flicked down in response to the movement.

“You’re the most amazing person I know Lance. There is no way I couldn’t love you.” Keith spoke back. The two of them stood wrapped in each other, Keith’s hands now rested gently on Lance’s hips and Lance’s hands firmly latched around Keith’s neck.

Keith watched as a smile made its way onto Lance’s face, and once again he was blinded by how incredibly beautiful his real smile was.

“Are you sure about this Lance? I mean you’ve been struggling and I don’t want to rush into something if you don’t feel ready for it.”

Lance’s smile dimmed slightly in response to before resting into a smaller more sincere grin.

“I know you guys just learned about me. And if you don’t feel like you want anything with me until to get to know me better I'll understand.”

“No no that's not...” Keith stuttered before Lance began talking again.

“But I really like you Keith...I always have. And if you’re willing to put up with me, I would love to be with you.”

Swiftly Keith pulled lance’s face towards his in a soft passionate kiss. “You’re not a burden.” “I care about you so much.” “Of course I want to be with you, you idiot”. He poured all of this into this one kiss and hoped that Lance understood.

Their lips parted, and when Lance’s eyes opened a moment later they were filled with stars. Reaching forward Lance wrapped his arms around the other boy’s shoulders, resting his head in the crook of his neck.

“Thank you.” He whispered. Lance couldn’t even describe how he felt right now. Relieved? Happy? Loved? All of the above? All he knew was that Keith returned his feelings and that he didn’t care that Lance had lied. He didn’t care that Lance had blood on his hands that he could never wash away no matter how hard he tried. He didn’t care that his relationship with Lance would be a difficult one. He had chosen Lance anyway.

“You have nothing to thank me for.” Keith replied, bringing his own arms up to squeeze Lance back just as tight.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Lance said quietly. Keith pulled back slightly in shock.

“Not like that! I just…. I just want you close to me right now. If you don’t want to I totally understand I just thought I’d…”

“Sure.” Keith said simply.

“What?” Lance asked, wondering if he had heard him right.

“I’ll stay with you. I wouldn’t mind being closer to you too.” Keith looked down, a blush overtaking his face thinking about what he thought Lance meant at first, and the fact that they were going to be in the same bed tonight.

“Okay.” Lance sighed, a similar pinkish hue spreading across his cheeks.

Reaching his hand down, Lance intertwined their fingers and began leading them back to his room. Hand in hand the two of them walked in silence until they reached the bedroom. The door opened and soon Keith heard the telltale 'whoosh' of it shutting behind them. They stared at each other for a moment, both trying to think of what to say next.

“You can make yourself comfortable, I’m just going to take a quick shower,” Lance said swinging their arms slightly.
“Okay, I’ll wait here.” Keith replied patting a spot on the bed. With a small nod, Lance grabbed a towel and a pair of sweats and made his way into the bathroom.

Keith sat down on the bed and looked around the room absentmindedly. It wasn't nearly as decorated as Keith would have assumed previously. Only a few little nick nacks here and there. His thoughts kept him from paying too much attention. He imagined the way Lance’s lips had felt on his. How could Lance have possibly thought that Kieth didn’t love him?

Ever since he had returned from the space whale, he had kept a conversation he had had with his mother in the back of his mind. They had been there together for a few months by that point, and there had been a moment where she had gone to hug him goodnight. Obviously, at the time, Keith had moved away, stating that he didn’t really like to hug anyone other than Shiro, and even then he wasn’t that inclined to do so often. She had asked him why, genuinely curious. He had said that he wasn’t very fond of physical contact, that most of the people he had ever been touched by had hurt him.

She said “Keith. Physical affection is one of the greatest gifts we have as living beings. A good hug can make even the worst day so much brighter. If you can learn to cherish the touch of a loved one, your life will be a much happier one.”

It was after that little speech that he had let his mother wrap her arms around him. And right then, he realized just how touch starved he really was. He had never let himself relax into one of Shiro’s hugs, but here, on this whale with his mom. It was a feeling he would never forget. After that, they had hugged each other regularly, her even giving him little forehead kisses from time to time. He loved it. He loved feeling loved. The day he finally got to return to his team, he had promised himself he would never be afraid to touch them again.

Obviously, by the time he arrived back to the castle, it had not been the most appropriate time for a hug. Thinking back he had probably hurt Lance's feelings. But as time went on and he slowly resettled back into the team dynamic, he had made good on his promise. The look on Pidge’s face the first time he initiated a hug with her had been one of the funniest things he’d seen to date. Months passed and soon everyone got used to Keith’s newfound appreciation for physical affection.

Slipping out of the memories he heard the sound of the shower being shut off. Out of the corner of his eye, he happened to notice the small corner of a paper underneath Lance’s pillow. Reaching over he grabbed it and saw it was a picture, of what looked to be a group of 5 teenagers. The smallest and skinniest boy was clearly Lance. The picture was worn and there were fold lines that looked used. In it, 2 older girls and 2 boys in the photo alongside Lance. They all wore smiles on their faces, the photo taken in the style of a selfie. One boy, probably the oldest of them had a small but fond smile on his face as he looked down at his siblings. He reminded him a bit of Shiro. A boy and a girl were facing each other, seemingly in an argument but clearly amused by whatever had been said. Slightly in front of them, the other girl had her arms wrapped lovingly around Lance’s neck from behind, and Lance looking up with a big smile on his face as he held the camera up to snap the photo. It was a sweet picture and Keith wondered how long ago this photo was taken. That Lance couldn’t have been older than 14.

Lance stepped out of the bathroom now dawning a pair of dark grey sweats, noticing Keith holding his photo. The memory of that day came back to him. He had been 13, and he and his siblings had had a small break before nighttime training. The older of his sisters, Veronica, had gotten her hands on an old polaroid camera. She claimed to have found it in a bin when she had been cleaning out one of the storage sheds to make room for a new armory. He remembered the way she had excitedly come running to her siblings begging them to take a picture with her. They had all excitedly agreed, the only one seeming apprehensive was his oldest brother, who was worried about what would happen if the photo was found by someone. It didn’t take long to convince him though. Veronica had squealed in excitement before handing the camera to Lance and wrapping her arms around him. He remembered the way Marco had jokingly told Rachel to “smile pretty” causing her to begin yelling at him in mock annoyance. It was Lance’s most cherished possession.

“Sorry, I saw it sticking out from under your pillow and I guess I got curious.” Keith stated as he hastily set the photo down.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” Lance replied.

“How did you manage to bring this with you to space?”

“I always kept it with me. My sister snuck it into my bag before I was sent to the Garrison. I’m so grateful she did. I don’t think I would have made it through all of that without it.” Lance stated. He had a fond smile on his face, thinking of his siblings.

“Do you miss them?” Keith asked.

“I do. Everyday.” Lance replied with a small nod. His eyes seemed to dim slightly at the reminder of just how long it had been since he had seen them. They probably thought he was dead.

Standing Keith walked over, wrapping his arms around Lance’s frame. “We will get you home to them. I promise.”

“Thank you Keith.”

Slowly Kieth pulled back and examined the other boy’s face. His dark circles seem to have faded after a few weeks of good rest. His freckles seemed to pop more as the color began to return to his complexion. Bringing his hand to his cheek and lightly traced the small dots with his finger. He leaned forward and captured Lance’s lips in a soft kiss. Their lips tenderly moving together as they once again familiarized themselves with the other.

Gradually, the kiss began to become more heated. Wrapping his arms around Keith’s waist Lance slowly backed them up until Kieth’s legs hit the mattress of the bed. They fell back together, Keith’s hands firmly clasped in Lance’s hair.

Keith gingerly stuck his tongue out, lightly grazing Lance’s bottom lip, asking for permission. Gladly, Lance opened his mouth a fraction more to allow Kieth access. Gently their tongues touched, both of them now hesitantly exploring the other’s mouth. Keith could feel himself getting a little too worked up, and if he didn’t pull back soon he would need to excuse himself for a shower of his own. Pulling back, their lips parted with a quiet pop. Both of them out of breath and gazing at the other.

“Why did you stop?” Lance asked, his chest heaving on top of Keith’s.

“Believe me I don’t want to, but if I don’t stop now I don’t think I’m going to be able to control myself.”

Lance knew what he meant. He could feel himself getting excited too. But he knew Keith was right. This was all so new, now wasn’t the right time.

“Yeah. Yeah, You’re right.” Lance replied. They lied there for a few more minutes before Keith gently shuffled his way out from underneath Lance and moved to lift the blankets. Laying his head against Lance’s pillow, Keith opened his arms and beckoned Lance to join him. Crawling over, Lance curled himself against Keith, wrapping his arms around his middle and resting his head against his chest. They settled comfortably and both of them couldn’t help but feel that their bodies just fit together perfectly. Like they just belonged in each other's arms.

“Goodnight Lance.”

“Goodnight Keith.”