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It all started because Bruce wanted to see the world’s biggest ball of twine. He was attempting to try this thing he heard about called “self care”. However, he wasn't allowed to use the company jet for personal use any more that year because he already used it too many times. It was March.
"I'm driving to see the worlds biggest ball of twine. Do any of you want to come?" asked Bruce. He wasn't an idiot, he knew that they wouldn't, but it didn't hurt to ask.
"Umm, I'm busy with... police work. Lots of cases. Could actually take weeks," said Dick, you know, like a liar.
"I would Father, but I couldn't leave all my pets," said Damian.
"I've got jazzercise all week and you know how important that is," said Duke.
"I would not like to," said Cass.
"Generic excuse," said Jason.
"I'll go," said a voice from the pantry. What. Alfred walked over and opened the door and Stephanie burst out of the pantry. What.
“Why were you in the pantry?” asked Duke. No one else seemed to care about this turn of events.
“Yeah I got locked in two days ago when I went to get a snack,” said Stephanie.
“Classic Steph,” said Tim. She shot him some finger guns.
“I hate this fucking family,” said Duke, into his cereal.
“Yeah, but anyway, I wanna go,” said Steph. What.
“You do,” said Tim. “You weren't just using that for a dramatic entrance line.” She was notorious for using dramatic entrance lines. They all were.
“I really like twine,” she said defensively.
“Are you sure?” asked Bruce.
“Do you not want me to come?” asked Stephanie.
“Of course you can come,” said Bruce. Was this a metaphor for her career as a superhero?
“That wasn't the question,” said Stephanie. The tension in the room physically increased. Dick nervously took a bite of cereal.
“I want you to come. You're always welcome,” said Bruce.
“Then I'm coming,” said Steph. The room breathed a sigh of relief.
“I never said you couldn't,” said Bruce. The room groaned.
“I mean you basically did,” said Stephanie.
“Oh for God’s sake just let it go,” said Alfred. “You implied it and Miss Brown might have taken it too seriously. You're both huge bloody babies.”
Stephanie looked at Bruce. Bruce looked at Stephanie. Duke looked towards the sky, at God probably, wondering why he had to end up in this family.
“We'll go in a week,” said Bruce.
“K,” said Steph.
“It's a long drive,” said Bruce.
“Do you think I can't handle it?” asked Stephanie, defensively. She was a very defensive person.
“I never said that,” said Bruce.
“Oh my God,” said Duke.
Hour One
The day had come. It would be a 21 hour drive, but they would break it up between two days because that was a lot of time to spend together.
Stephanie snored. Stephanie snored loudly and obnoxiously and she hadn't helped with any of the loading things into the car because she was “too tired”. It was eight in the morning and he hadn't slept in three days because Gotham got a new serial killer. Despite the fact that this was annoying he looked over at her with fondness. He knew that probably wouldn't last through the whole trip.
Hour Two
“That's a lot of open land,” said Stephanie, looking out the. “I don't think I've ever seen this much.”
“It's really not that much,” said Bruce.
“Well yeah, I know that, but I haven't seen it. Gotham born and raised,” said Stephanie. “And before you talk about how we go out of the city for missions we don't really get to enjoy it, you know.”
Bruce shrugged. He really didn't know, but he would support her.
“Nothing impresses you. You've been to moon.”
He shrugged again. She wasn't wrong.
Do you mind if I roll down the window?” asked Stephanie.
“Go ahead,” said Bruce. To his surprise she stuck her head out the window like a dog. Her hair flew all around her head. He was sure it was getting in her mouth and she didn't seem bothered.
After a while she stuck her head back in. She noticed Bruce staring at her. “What?” she said defensively.
“Nothing. I'm used to it. Ace does the same thing,” he said. She hit him on the arm despite the fact that it was dangerous to distract the driver. Would he have to give her the safety PowerPoint when they returned home.
“It's just. It's like. You know when you're chasing a criminal and you inevitably end up on top of the train and you have to fight them in top of the train and there's always this danger of falling off. I love that feeling. And before you say something about me being an adrenaline junkie it's not that. I like going fast I guess.” said Stephanie. She drummed her fingers against the window. “I know it's weird.”
“It just sounds to me like you should have been a Flash,” said Bruce. She looked relieved that he hadn't agreed with her.
“Unfortunately the Speed Force gods didn't choose me,” said Steph. She turned to Bruce, unbuckling her seat belt. She would definitely need the safe“Is it gods or is it just the Speed Force?”
“I think it's just Speed Force. Buckle up,” said Bruce.
“Don't be boring Safety Marshal Bruce. Be fun Bruce,” said Stephanie.
“I'm never fun. Buckle,” said Bruce. She groaned but she obliged. She pouted for a while, but perked up when she thought of something.
“Can I control the music?” she asked brightly.
“It depends. What do kids like? Katy Perry?” asked Bruce.
“Ew. Gross. No. She's like that mom from Mean Girls that tries to be cool, but is just super annoying,” said Stephanie. Bruce made a mental note to see Mean Girls.
“I like Britney Spears,” said Stephanie.
“Everyone likes Britney Spears. Ra’s al Ghul likes Britney Spears,” said Bruce.
“No. No way. You're lying. You are a liar,” said Stephanie.
“He took me to a concert once. He kidnapped me which was completely unnecessary. I would have gone if he had asked,” said Bruce.
“Wild. Come on Bruce. Please? You won't regret it” said Steph.
“Fine,” he said. He definitely would regret it.
Hour Three
“CAUSE I’M MISTER BRIGHTSIDE! Bruce your verse,” said the devil herself.
“No,” said Bruce, clenching the wheel so hard that his knuckles were white. He had a million yard stare.
“Suit yourself. COMIN’ OUT OF MY CAGE”
When would death come for him.
Hour Four
“You look tired. You should let me drive,” said Stephanie. He was tired, this was true. This was also a terrible idea because...
“You don't know how to follow a GPS. Remember when you tried to drive to the mall from Wayne Manor?” said Bruce. She drove into a lake.
“That was two years ago.”
“That was two months ago.”
“Maybe so, but I'm getting better. Tim has been making me practice. Bruce. Come on,” said Steph.
“No.”
“I'll give you a child.”
“Don't offer people children.”
“Well I didn't say it would be mine,” said Stephanie. They lapsed into an awkward silence and he couldn't figure out why until he remembered. Her baby. The one she gave up for adoption. He didn't even bring it up and yet he was still a monster.
“You can drive,” said Bruce. She brightened up and gave him a genuine smile. That was worth the potential pain. “After we get lunch.”
“Ooh, where are we going?” asked Stephanie.
“Well I checked Yelp and there are no 5 or 4 star restaurants so I might just starve,” said Bruce.
“How about McDonald's?”
“I've never been in a McDonald's in my life and I don't plan on doing it today,” said Bruce.
“You're too much of a rich bitch to eat normal people food,” said Steph. He shot her an offended look, but in his heart he knew it was true. Damn her. “You pretty much only eat Alfred's cooking at this point.”
“Well then where do you suggest we eat?” asked Bruce, annoyed.
“I gave you a suggestion and you rejected it because it was too common for you,” said Steph, equally annoyed.
“I never said that,” Bruce half yelled.
“You don't say a lot of things. I learned to read between the lines,” Stephanie actually yelled. They sat in awkward silence. Stephanie blew a piece of hair out of her face. Bruce drummed his fingers against the steering wheel.
“So, lunch?” asked Stephanie like they hadn't just fought.
“I have an idea,” said Bruce.
Lunch Intermission
“Alright I have your food,” said Clark. “Did you really have to have Alfred's cooking?”
“Yes,” said Bruce.
“No,” said Stephanie at the same time. Bruce glared at Steph. Steph smirked. It's a good thing her mask covered her face when she fought crime because her smirk made even him want to murder her.
“Thanks for flying it in from Gotham. You're welcome to stay and eat. I'm sure he made you something,” said Bruce.
“No I can't. I think Luther is trying to kill me again, but y'all have fun,” said Clark and then he flew away.
“Y'all,” scoffed Bruce.
“Y'all,” said Stephanie, equally disgusted.
They proceeded to say the word y'all in different, but increasingly mocking voices for the rest of lunch.
Hour Four Continued
“Stephanie I believe in you,” lied Bruce.
“K,” said Stephanie.
“If we get lost wake me up,” said Bruce.
“K,” said Stephanie.
If you get tired of driving wake me up,” said Bruce.
“K,” said Stephanie. Bruce ran his hands through his hair. He was sure that they were both going to die and yet he still managed to sleep.
Hour Twelve
Bruce woke up with a jolt. The first thing he noticed was that he was bleeding from a gash in his side. The second thing he noticed was that it was getting on the seats and that Alfred was going to skin him alive for getting blood in that car. The third thing he noticed was Stephanie was also bleeding from a cut on her cheek.
“Oh good you're not dead,” said Stephanie.
“What happened?” said Bruce, who was already too done with the conversation.
“Well, you see I was driving and I saw these two hitchhikers and I as a superhero isn't it my sacred duty to help those in need? So I let them into the car and for like an hour they were quiet, but then it turned out they were robbers and they tried to rob us when we were in the middle of traffic and so I had to fight them while I was driving and I had one but then the other guy held a knife against you and and told me to give him all our money which was like a total dick move. So I managed to use the seat belt to restrain the first guy and then I kicked the other guys ass and then I threw them both out of the car and you somehow slept through it all,” said Stephanie.
“K,” said Bruce and then he went back to sleep.
Hour Sixteen
He woke up again to Stephanie poking him in the side. He looked out the window. It was dark and they were at a gas station. He looked at Stephanie. The cut on her cheek had been covered by a Hello Kitty bandaid. The cut on his side had stopped bleeding. He should really start paying attention to what Stephanie was saying.
“Hey Bruce can you drive?” asked Stephanie.
“Sure,” said Bruce.
“Because, not to start a fight or anything, but I've been driving for like three times what you-, did you say sure?” asked Steph.
“Why wouldn't I?” asked Bruce.
“I don't know. We just fight all the time. We fought when I asked to come. We fought over which muppet would be the best fighter. I just assumed you don't like me,” said Stephanie.
“It's important to me that you know that I like you,” said Bruce.
“It's just… from the beginning you never gave me a fair shot,” did Stephanie.
“You’ve always reminded me a lot of Jason and we met close to when… it happened. And when you were robin I was scared that you would turn out dead. So I pushed you away. I… I care about you a lot and I know I'm not the best at showing it, but I do. You did nothing wrong,” said Bruce.
“I want to forgive you, but we have a lot of shit between of us,” said Stephanie. Bruce nodded. She had every right. “But that doesn't mean we can't work on this whole weird dynamic we have. Maybe we can get lunch sometimes from someplace that's not Alfred?”
“I'd like that,” said Bruce. “You might want to get some sleep. After all, you've been awake for almost sixteen hours.”
“I feel like that was a joke, but that's normal. Sometimes people actually sleep normal hours,” said Stephanie.
The Great Ball of Twine
“So this is all,” said Bruce.
“Normally I'd pick a fight, but I kinda agree,” said Stephanie.
“It's impressive for a ball of twine.”
“Yeah, but…”
“It's anticlimactic. I've been on the moon. I'm not sure why I thought this would be impressive.”
“As long as we're here we might as well take a picture,” said Steph. They took a surprisingly flattering selfie considering that they had been in a car for 21 hours.
“Could you send that to me?” asked Bruce. She sent it to him and and he changed it to his screensaver on his phone. The old one had been a super unattractive picture that one of his model friends had set it to.
“God I don't want to drive back,” said Stephanie.
“I'm not really that attached to it. I could probably get Diana to give us a ride back in her jet. I bled all over it anyway and it's not worse the lecture from Alfred,” said Bruce.
“Valid. Plus Diana is way cooler than you” said Stephanie. And for the first time in a while they agreed completely.
Epilogue
“You can do it. I believe in you,” said Stephanie.
“Why would you do this to me, your girlfriend’s father, said Bruce.
“It's a McDonald's cheeseburger. You can take a bite you disaster bi,” said Stephanie. She proceeded to steal a fry.
“I'm the disaster bi? You fell in a lake on the way here. You drove. There are no lakes near here,” said Bruce. She was still dripping water on the floor. The employees didn't care because apparently worse things happened there everyday. At least that's what Stephanie had told him.
“Maybe so,” said Stephanie, like she was referencing something.
“Is that one of those meemees that Tim is always talking about,” said Bruce, purposely saying it wrong. Stephanie was visibly bothered by this.
“Don't change the subject, take a bite. You promised,” said Stephanie.
“I hate you,” said Bruce, but he slowly took a bite. He had literally eaten dirt that tasted better, but he couldn't show weakness to Steph.”I love it.”
“So you'll eat more?” asked Stephanie.
“No,” said Bruce. Stephanie snorted.
“Look at you. You're almost like a real person. You're even eating the burger with your hands,” said Stephanie.
“I took a bite. For you. Are you happy?” said Bruce.
“Very,” said Stephanie. At that time an employee chose to walk over looking annoyed.
“Sir can you tell your daughter to stop dripping on the floor or leave,” said the disgruntled employee.
“She's not my daughter,” said Bruce at the same Stephanie said, “He's not my dad.”
Apparently the employees did care.
“We were just leaving anyway,” said Bruce, gathering his garbage and throwing it away. As they walked out the door he said, “Come on daughter. I'll take you skateboarding.”
“I still can't believe he thought I was your daughter. Gross,” said Stephanie. He nodded in agreement, but there were worse things.