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jimin was in fourth grade when he met yoongi. he doesn’t remember much of fourth grade, only a few dashes here and there of memory, but he remembers yoongi.
oh, he could never forget yoongi.
jimin was known as the ‘outgoing kid’ by the teachers, which was code for ‘can be paired up with untalkative, rude, or closed-off students’.
lucky for jimin, yoongi had been all three of those.
but jimin hadn’t minded at all when ms. rosa placed him with the rather sullen fourth-grader. he had just talked like he normally would, ignoring the fact that yoongi hadn’t even spoken a greeting.
something about yoongi then interested him, made him curious. jimin wanted to know what was going on in his mind. so he didn’t stop talking, not for a second. he asked questions, not caring if yoongi answered them or not, which was good because yoongi rarely did answer them.
yoongi seemed to be a rather thoughtful fourth-grader. jimin assumed so, because there was no way yoongi was just naturally that quiet. jimin knew wheels were turning.
what are you thinking?
time flies by and gradually, yoongi answers more questions. he starts asking his own, too.
jimin had meant it when he thought he didn’t mind being the only one talking, but he also thinks it’s much better conversation when it’s not one-sided.
by middle school, they’re best friends. inseparable.
the early years of middle school are what jimin fondly refers to as the golden days. sixth grade and early seventh grade - he would kill to be able to relive those days, just one more time, because yoongi had been happy then. yoongi laughed with everything he had and smiled real smiles and even sang, for heaven’s sakes.
and jimin was happy then, too. but he doesn’t really remember what he looked like when he was happy. maybe he could picture it, if he thought back hard enough. truthfully, all he remembers from those years is yoongi.
friends help eachother. that’s the mantra jimin had installed in his head ever since he was little. so late seventh grade, when yoongi starts shutting down, jimin knows he has to help his best friend.
there are so many angry outbursts and random mood swings and depressive episodes that jimin’s exhausted with trying to help. nothing he does is working, but if he doesn’t try then yoongi gets upset and jimin feels like a failure and a bad friend. he doesn’t dare ask yoongi’s parents about it, or his own parents. yoongi had made it clear that what he told jimin was for jimin only.
jimin doesn’t know what to do. he decides to google it.
Google Search: how to help my depressed best friend
Google Search: what to do to help someone with depression
Google Search: why is my best friend depressed
every single article he clicks on has led to telling a parent or guardian and then getting therapy, but jimin knows that’s not an option. or at least, he thinks rather strongly that it’s not. yoongi’s not fond of either of his parents and he’s against getting any sort of therapy as well. personally, jimin would much rather yoongi go to a therapist than to him for any advice.
maybe if he ignores the issue, it’ll resolve itself and his best friend will go back to normal.
but it gets worse the more jimin turns a blind eye. he still tries to help whenever he can but it’s not enough because now yoongi’s started cutting. according to yoongi (who he’s not totally sure he can trust right now), it’s only with a sharp pencil.
some days it seems yoongi is normal again, and jimin could jump for joy. but others, he’s talking about how he would be better off dead. and it makes jimin want to cry because he should be able to make his best friend feel better but he can’t, and he doesn’t realize it but it’s taking a toll on him.
jimin doesn’t really know when he started to hate himself. all he knows is it happened and he feels incredibly selfish for having problems when yoongi is over here talking about wanting to kill himself.
eventually yoongi gets therapy, and he’s diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. jimin knows next to nothing about this disorder his friend has, only that it apparently fits what yoongi’s been feeling. jimin’s just glad he’s getting help.
it seems for a moment that everything is getting better. yoongi tells him about his therapy sessions, saying that his therapist didn’t pry as much as he thought she would. that she only asked him questions about his friends and family.
yoongi said that the therapist had asked who his best friend was, and he had instantly said “jimin”. jimin smiled at that, knowing he was still considered yoongi’s best friend.
but eventually, it turns out that they were only in the eye of the storm, and there was still a lot to come. because one day yoongi doesn’t come to school. and stops responding to texts. and jimin would have brushed it off as another bad day, but then he doesn’t come to school for a week. then two weeks. and now jimin’s messages aren’t even being read as delivered and it seems yoongi’s been swept off the face of the earth.
jimin has no idea what’s happened and it’s safe to say he’s freaking out. he feels like he would know if yoongi had committed suicide, but he’s not quite sure, so he tries not to dwell on it.
two weeks pass before jimin sees yoongi again. and when they do see eachother it’s at target and short-lived and yoongi looks so panicked that jimin has to calm him down before they can even get to talking.
he gets the entire story from yoongi, and in some ways it’s both worse and better than what he expected.
yoongi is moving.
but jimin doesn’t even have time to be upset that he isn’t going to see his best friend as much anymore because yoongi’s mother shows up and whisks yoongi away, giving jimin a glare that satan himself may have been proud of. jimin doesn’t know why yoongi’s mother dislikes him, only that she does.
jimin wonders if it’s because of something he may have done, but he brushes it off. that’s ridiculous. he’s done nothing but try to help yoongi throughout all of this.
they talk over text a lot more now that they don’t see really eachother anymore. jimin has a feeling that yoongi’s mom is purposefully keeping them apart, but yoongi hasn’t brought it up so jimin decides not to either.
they text early into the next morning almost every night now, and jimin’s sleep schedule is absolutely screwed up, but damnit, he doesn’t care. he just wants to talk to his best friend. he wants yoongi to be happy and yoongi’s made it clear that jimin makes him happy, even if it seems most the time that yoongi’s just even more depressed.
jimin just wants to help him, so he stays with yoongi. stays with him as yoongi talks about how upset he is with his parents. lets him know how loved he is by jimin. how much he’d be missed if he died, how jimin would never be happy again.
however, yoongi seems only to get worse despite all of this. jimin knows that no matter how much comfort he gives, it’s not enough for his best friend, and he really hates himself for it.
jimin’s exhausted.
i wonder what would happen if i committed suicide.
yoongi vanishes again, but this time it’s ten times scarier because he’s not responding to any texts and since that’s the only form of communication they have, jimin’s at a loss for what to do.
jimin keeps his ringer on 24/7, and checks his phone every ten minutes, almost obsessively waiting for a message from his best friend. he sends multiple texts to him, asking how he is and telling him how much he misses him.
jimin tries to ignore the voice in his head telling him that his best friend has made an attempt on his own life. he refuses to dwell on that fact. yoongi’s just grounded or something.
but a month passes and yoongi’s still not reached out to him, and jimin knows he’s still alive because he follows his mom on facebook but then why is his phone taken away? why isn’t yoongi able to contact him?
every day, jimin checks the “last seen” counter for yoongi’s contact. every day it gets a day older.
min yoongi - last seen 55 days ago
min yoongi - last seen 56 days ago
min yoongi - last seen 57 days ago
min yoongi - last seen over two months ago
and then one day jimin’s phone plays that special text tone, the one picked especially for yoongi, and he almost loses it.
it’s a brief conversation, but jimin’s too relieved knowing yoongi’s okay to really even care. yoongi told him that his phone got taken away, and he didn’t know when he’d be able to sneak an opportunity to talk to jimin next. there’s some unsaid things, jimin knows, but yoongi’s talking to him and that’s really all he cares about. yoongi is okay.
the next three months are somewhat of a withdrawl for jimin. he thought he would be better knowing yoongi’s okay, but he’s not and it’s all he can do not to cry himself to sleep every night while thinking of yoongi. the constant question of “is he okay?” rolls through jimin’s brain, consuming him until all he can think about is yoongi. jimin needs yoongi, and yoongi needs him. otherwise, they have no one.
yoongi drops by one night, having taken an old phone of his solely for the purpose of talking to his best friend. they talk for hours as they catch up. it’s a bit awkward at first, which wasn’t really something jimin had been expecting, but the tension eases the moment they get into the flow of conversation.
yoongi asks how jimin’s been. jimin lies and says he’s okay. he doesn’t want to make yoongi feel bad by telling him how much he had cried over him these past few months. he doesn’t want to tell yoongi how he swiped some extra razorblades his dad had bought and almost made that first cut. he doesn’t want to tell him how many times he considered killing himself. he doesn’t want to push all his problems on yoongi, who has been through so much more than jimin has that it’s almost like holding a candle to a bonfire.
yoongi then reveals he’d been at a mental hospital, which is somewhat of a shock to jimin. what was so serious that yoongi had had to spend an entire week at a mental hospital?
however, yoongi doesn’t seem to be as concerned about it as jimin is, instead telling his best friend about the poop he had seen in the shower stall that first night and how gross that had been.
they part that night with “i love you”s and reminders that they are there for eachother no matter what. jimin’s so happy he could cry. he does end up crying later, when yoongi’s gone and his phone is long dead.
jimin already misses yoongi. but at least it sounds like things are looking up for his best friend. he kind of wishes he was getting therapy, too.
the minute he thinks it though, he takes it back and scoffs. there are others that need therapy way more than he does. people like yoongi.
the next few months go by in a blur. yoongi drops by a couple of times, but is otherwise silent. jimin’s tried talking to his younger sister to gage how yoongi is, but all she does is completely botch his name (juman? really?) and leave him with the impression that no one in her family is really allowed to talk to jimin.
jimin still misses yoongi like crazy, but he’s maybe starting to get used to being without yoongi. he’d say they’re still best friends, (and is almost sure that yoongi would say the same) but it’s turned to a dull, aching pain rather than a fierce, stabbing one.
his grades are dropping, severely. his mom warns him that if he doesn’t get his act together, she’ll take away jimin’s phone. and jimin has to be there for yoongi when he comes back, so he works on raising his grades.
the late nights are killing jimin now, he thinks. every night he stays up until four am, doing schoolwork and waiting to see if yoongi would come online at all. letting thoughts eat away at his head (did i cause yoongi’s downfall? he was fine before me), and listening to music to try to chase the thoughts away. he wakes up sick every morning, the combination of stress and no sleep making waves of nausea roll through his stomach.
if i can just get through the school year, jimin thinks, no longer trying to tell himself he isn’t desperate, maybe i can just take a rest.
and then yoongi comes back online, finally.
they talk that week, neither of them really knowing how to communicate after not having spoken for months. it’s awkward, to put it bluntly. and jimin hates awkwardness. for all his crying over yoongi and not being able to talk to or see him, he sure is ignoring a lot of messages.
as much as jimin hates to admit it, things had changed. they were no longer at the point they had been at that year ago. they had been out of contact for so long that jimin didn’t really know how yoongi had changed as a person.
maybe they just have to get back into the swing of things.
but then a day later jimin’s mom takes away his phone, (“jimin, your relationship with yoongi is unhealthy and affecting your grades. i don’t want you talking to him anymore”), and something inside jimin snaps. and he hates himself, he really does. for not being able to talk to yoongi. for ignoring yoongi’s messages and not trying to push past the awkwardness. for being socially anxious. for being depressed. for making this about him when it was never about him. when it was about yoong
really, how selfish could jimin be?
the next few nights are nothing unusual. jimin cries his eyes out with an unwavering belief in the fact that he cannot go on without yoongi (he didn’t even get to say bye, for heaven’s sakes). everything is heightened now that jimin’s the one who is unable to contact his best friend.
again, jimin considers dying.
yoongi would miss me, he thinks. so i can’t die yet.
jimin thinks about taking his phone back, or contacting yoongi through a mutual friend. he immediately erases those ideas, however, seeing as he doesn’t even know where his phone is and how he rarely sees this mutual friend of theirs. not to mention if he gets caught, he’ll be in bigger trouble. and that would mean more waiting.
that summer acts as somewhat of a therapy for jimin. he assumes he’ll get his phone back sometime during next semester, so he waits paitently for his moment. for the day he can talk to yoongi once more and see how he is.
four months is an awfully long time to reflect, and that’s mostly what jimin does. he decides on three things.
he decides he’s not obsessed with yoongi or the friendship like his mom says. no, he’s just worried. very worried. worried that one day he’ll wake up to his mom showing him a facebook post from yoongi’s mother that announces the suicide of her son. worried that the suicide had happened because jimin hadn’t been there to talk him out of it. worried that it would have been all his fault his best friend was dead.
he decides he would do anything to help yoongi, keep him happy. if that even meant laying down his own life (though it would likely never, ever come to that point). jimin would do anything.
and finally, he decides that yoongi would simutaneously be better off without jimin, but better off with jimin. because maybe this wouldn’t have happened if jimin hadn’t spoken to yoongi. maybe jimin caused yoongi’s downfall. it was only when they got close that yoongi got bad. but now that yoongi relies on him like this, jimin can’t just leave (to say nothing of how jimin relies on yoongi).
maybe it’s unhealthy. jimin doesn’t think so. they’re just best friends.
when jimin gets his phone back, he has only a few messages from yoongi, the latest one sent a month after jimin had disappeared. jimin sends a quick “hey, i’m back” message and turns off his phone, a bit disappointed that yoongi hadn’t seemed to miss him as much. five messages? jimin had sent almost thirty in the time yoongi had been gone. it was probably a difference of personality and texting habits, but still.
but yoongi seems overjoyed that jimin’s back, and it erases the feelings of doubt that had made its nasty way into jimin’s head. he still tells yoongi about not being able to speak to him, and yoongi’s upset but seems to understand the situation with jimin’s mom.
he follows yoongi’s instagram, just to keep himself updated since yoongi doesn’t really like to talk about himself. he watches the videos of yoongi rapping over and over again, smiling at how damn talented his friend was.
they’re more casual friends now, talking every once in a while. jimin’s not nearly half as worried as before, now that yoongi seems to be doing okay and now that he knows what’s going on with him. jimin himself could be better, but aside from that, things were okay. he keeps up with yoongi’s piano covers and aesthetic black and white theme, but they don’t talk beyond that. jimin’s mom has too tight a leash on him for jimin to even think about getting away with it.
sometimes yoongi posts a more melancholy photo than others, and jimin freaks out a bit. but he seems okay after that, and no one else says anything on it, so jimin thinks he might be overreacting.
then one day, yoongi posts a series of photos. it’s just and outfit of the day thing, and it’s a slide series of three photos. the first two are nice, angled mirror photos of yoongi’s ripped skinny jeans and black tshirt. the third one, though, brings tears to jimin’s eyes.
it’s like the others, but yoongi’s left arm is angled differently as he holds it up against his chest. it’s angled so jimin can see every single fresh cut on yoongi’s arm. still red, some still open with hints of blood around the edges, and yoongi’s face is perfectly expressionless, as if his skin was untouched and there was nothing wrong.
jimin stares at the photo until he’s sobbing. he could have stopped this, if he was allowed to talk to yoongi. if he hadn’t been so stupid to be grounded from talking to him. maybe he could have helped yoongi. been a trustworthy friend. but now yoongi’s arms are marked up with fresh cuts, probably from the night before. and they look deep.
jimin’s tempted, oh, sorely tempted, to send yoongi a message. but yoongi’s not close with him anymore. they haven’t talked since the beginning of the schoolyear, and it was almost christmas now.
and if jimin’s being honest, he doesn’t really know how to broach the topic anyway. he would probably fuck everything up yet again.
so he asks the mutual friend to slide into the dms for jimin, and ask how yoongi is. she obliges, mostly because she’s worried about yoongi too, and sends a brief message that asks if yoongi’s okay.
of course, yoongi responds saying, “of course! how are you?” and jimin curses his friend for being so secretive about these things when it is so obvious his friend is not okay.
soon yoongi’s captions turn to suicide jokes, and jimin begs the mutual friend to keep up with yoongi and make sure he’s okay. there’s no way jimin himself could do it - his mom follows yoongi as well, and has jimin’s instagram added on her phone as well, so she’d know if he tried to send a message - so he’s so relieved when she says that she’d already been keeping up with him.
it takes time, but soon, jimin’s able to think less about yoongi. he’s able to focus on his dance and his grades with the knowledge that yoongi’s got someone to talk to. someone that won’t absolutely screw things up with their selfishness, like jimim did.
sometimes he gets caught up in memories of the past. he’ll find an old birthday card from yoongi or dig up something from the past that’ll being back nostalgia and leave him crying softly in his bed. he still has a picture up on his wall that yoongi drew for him, never having the heart to take it down. he doesn’t think he ever will have the heart to take it down. yoongi is an important part of his past, and still is someone that means a lot to him.
jimin doesn’t think of it as “giving up” on yoongi. he thinks of it as letting him go. letting yoongi live out his life but also, letting jimin live out his life.
the more time that jimin has to reflect and think, the more he realizes that the entire friendship with yoongi had been unhealthy. that maybe what had contributed to jimin and yoongi’s downfalls had been how much they relied on one another - they couldn’t bear being apart.
a part of jimin still does miss yoongi. he still wishes for the times they stayed up on calls together just joking around the way seventh graders would. he misses their inside jokes and easy company. and sometimes he feels the old urge to cry and cut and contact yoongi in a desperate frenzy. but he stops himself. takes a deep breath. exhales.
yoongi can live without jimin. and jimin can live without yoongi.
jimin knows that’s true, even when the scars of the past try to tell him otherwise.