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Andrew is literally zipping up his luggage and about to walk out the door when his phone rings. Aaron’s name lights up the screen, obstructing the photo of Neil and that stupid cat he found god knows where and decided to keep.
With a deep sigh, Andrew answers the phone. “What is it?”
“Andrew,” a voice that is absolutely not his brother’s says. “It’s Kaitlyn. Don’t hang up!”
On a normal day Andrew would ignore her and do just that, but the underlying hint of desperation in Kaitlyn’s voice gives him pause. He waits, unspeaking, for her to continue.
“Aaron needs you. I don’t know what to do.” Her voice cracks and so does Andrew’s supposed indifference.
“What happened?” His grip on his phone is so tight his knuckles ache. His chest aches more at the thought of Aaron.
“He’s just been so stressed, you know? With school and shadowing at the hospital and the wedding coming up so soon. He just hasn’t been himself and has been getting more and more distant and-”
“Get to the point,” Andrew grits out, teeth clenched.
“He started using again. I don’t know how long it’s been since he started back up, or even what he’s taking but I can tell he’s high more often than he’s not. I tried to confront him but - God, Andrew he’s so high, high as a kite. And I don’t know what to do.”
Andrew hasn’t seen Neil in 3 months. He’s in his final year at PSU, and Andrew in his rookie season playing for Las Vegas. Leaving had been hard, harder than he ever imagined it would be. Who knew what kind of trouble Neil would get into without Andrew there to protect him. Still, Neil had said “I’ll be fine,” and “It’ll be over before we know it,” and “I’ll take good care of myself.”
Now Andrew wishes he had forced Aaron to make that same promise.
“Please, Andrew. What do I do?” He can practically hear the snot in her voice and the tears clogging her throat. Andrew’s temples throb.
He squeezes his eyes shut and rubs firmly at his temple. “Take him to a detox center. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“He won’t. He won’t let me take him anywhere. He’s locked himself in the bathroom and is asking for you.”
Andrew jolts to a stop, already halfway out the door and to the elevator of his building. “For me?” His heart is beating in his chest so fast, he hardly remembers to keep the glacial indifference out of his voice.
“Yes. I can’t really hear him that well through the door but I keep hearing him say your name. Andrew, what do I do? He’s been in there for over a day already and I-”
“What?” Andrew spits between gritted teeth. “He’s been in there for an entire day and you’re just fucking calling me now? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Andrew thinks about all of the things he’s done in the last day: Gone to the grocery store, finished his laundry, played an inane game of fucking exy…all things that are completely pointless and stupid and not being with his brother when he needs him. He punches the wall and relishes in the sharp pain that radiates through his knuckles.
“I didn’t - I don’t know!” Kaitlyn cries. “I didn’t think he’d want you to see him when he’s like this! He always so-” She cuts herself off and takes a shuttering breath. “He just started asking for you in the last hour. I called you as soon as I knew he wanted you.”
Andrew squeezes his eyes shut. Twenty minutes to the airport, 30 to get through security. The flight to New York is five hours long and the next one leaves in an hour. He’ll be cutting it close and it’ll cost a fortune. He’s never been so thankful for his ridiculous salary. He books the ticket as he climbs into the car.
“I’ll be there in 6 hours. Get in there no matter what it takes. If he has any drugs with him, get rid of them. Make sure he’s drinking a lot of fluids and eating if he can.”
“Andrew.” Her voice is broken.
Andrew never in a million years thought he would be trying to comfort this girl. Still: “It’s going to be okay. I’ll be there. 6 hours.”
“6 hours,” she says.
He hangs up.
Neil answers on the second ring. “Hey,” he says, voice bright and happy. It’s like a balm to Andrew’s racing heart. “Are you at the airport?”
“Neil.”
It’s been five years, so it only takes one word and Neil knows. “What’s wrong?”
There’s no sense in mincing words. “Aaron relapsed. I have to go to New York.”
There’s a beat of silence. Then, “okay.” He has no inflection in his voice. No tone. Andrew knows he’s purposely keeping himself in check for Andrew’s sake.
“Okay?”
“Yeah. Go take care of your brother. It’s okay.”
The thing is, Andrew knows that it’s not. Neil isn’t fragile or needy, but he is lonely. Andrew knows how Neil suffers through panic attacks and crippling fear since being stripped of the family he worked so hard to make, to keep, and surrounded by responsibility and pressure to be a perfect player, a perfect captain. Andrew knows the only time Neil ever truly relaxes is when they’re together. Something tugs painfully in his chest at the idea of depriving Neil of that peace.
“Neil,” Andrew says, voice earnest. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Too quick. Not convincing enough.
“Neil.”
“I’m fine. Andrew, your brother needs you. He’s one half of you.”
“You’re the other half.” It’s out of Andrew’s mouth before he can stop it. Before he even realizes how true it is. Aaron is his brother, his twin. They were born with the same DNA and shared the same space for 9 months until they were ripped apart from one another. As connected as two people could possibly be. But Neil is Andrew’s in every sense of the word. They chose each other, over and over again. Andrew would choose Neil until the day he died.
Just not this time.
Neil huffs and Andrew can picture the tiny uptick in his smile, dragged to the forefront of Andrew’s mind in thanks to his perfect memory. “Go be with Aaron. I’ll still be here once he’s better.”
“Okay,” Andrew says.
“Okay.” There’s a beat. “Bye.”
Andrew doesn’t want to hang up. He wants to talk to Neil forever. He wants to be close to him and hold him and make for absolute certain that he’s okay. “Bye,” he says.
He hangs up.
_
JFK is the absolute worst fucking place on the planet.
Andrew has half a mind to burn the entire place down with everyone still in it. Instead, he settles for shoving past every single slow-moving asshole that’s in his way and reveling in their indignant squawks.
Renting a car will take too much time, so he climbs into the first cab he spots and tells the driver there’s a hundred dollar tip in it for him if he gets there in 20 minutes.
By some miracle, they make it in 18.
Andrew only knows Aaron’s address because he caught a peek of it on the engagement announcement that came in the mail 6 months ago. He takes the stairs two at a time and is pounding on apartment 4A before he even has time to think about what he’ll see when that door swings open. How much of his life has Aaron let slip? How much has he wrecked? How much of Andrew’s brother will be left on the other side of that door?
The door swings open to reveal a haggard-looking Kaitlyn. Her hair is falling out of its bun and there’s something that looks a lot like vomit smeared on the side of her shirt. Her engagement ring still glitters on her finger, so there’s that at least.
When they lock eye relief floods Kaitlyn’s expression like nothing Andrew has ever seen before.
“Where is he?”
“In the bathroom down the hall.” Andrew is already sliding past her before the sentence is up. Kaitlyn trails after him, hands wringing worriedly and eyes red. “He won’t get up. I’ve managed to get him to drink some water, but he can’t keep anything down.”
The entire hallway reeks of vomit and sweat. Andrew notices blankly that Kaitlyn actually physically removed the bathroom door from its hinges. It leans against the wall bizarrely.
Aaron is huddled into a ball on the bathroom floor. There’s a fluffy towel wrapped around his shoulders. His head rests against the fuzzy bathmat and his breath comes in uneven pants. He’s asleep but far from at peace. His face twitches, his body shivers, and sweat soaks through his hair, shirt, and the towel.
Andrew crouches next to his brother’s sleeping form, managing not to gag at the smell. He places a gentle, tentative hand on Aaron’s shoulder and grits his teeth at how hot Aaron’s skin is.
“What was it?” Andrew shoots over his shoulder where Kaitlyn is leaning against the doorjamb, ringing her hands and looking jittery.
“Coke.” Andrew clenches his jaw so hard it aches. “I flushed it,” she says. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how I missed it. I don’t know how I could be so stupid. I-”
“Stop.” Her mouth snaps shut with a click at Andrew’s murderous tone. “I don’t give a fuck that you’re sorry. And I don’t have the time or frankly any desire to console you right now. I can only take care of one absolute fucking moron at a time. And let’s be clear, I will never choose you over him. So get the fuck out of my sight so I can fix what you couldn’t.”
Kaitlyn stares at him, eyes endlessly wide and watery for only a moment, before nodding once and disappearing off down the hall.
Andrew stares down at the nearly identical face of his brother. Aaron’s eyes are shrouded with dark circles. His face is sallow, his body shuddering. Andrew stares at the sweat beading at his brother’s temple. He wipes it away with the sleeve of his sweatshirt.
“Aaron,” he says, voice neutral. “Aaron.” Aaron grunts and curls up into an even tighter ball. His eyelids flutter open and slam shut. “Sit up and drink this,” Andrew says, pulling at Aaron’s shoulders, getting him into a seated position. Andrew hands him the bottle of lukewarm water Kaitlyn had left on the counter. Aaron reaches for it blindly and sips. The water barely touches the back of his throat before he’s heaving into the toilet bowl. Andrew holds his shoulders and doesn’t think about the smell of Aaron’s stomach bile floating around the room.
“Andrew,” Aaron groans, forehead resting on the toilet seat. “Andrew.”
“I’m right here, idiot,” Andrew says, wiping more sweat off of his brother’s brow.
“No, you’re not. You’re not. You’re a hallucination.”
Andrew’s chest clenches painfully. He ignores it. “I’m not a hallucination.”
“Yes you are,” Aaron moans. “You’re not here. Why would you be here.”
There’s a moment of silence. “Aaron look at me.” Aaron shakes his head where it’s resting against the porcelain. “Aaron. Look at me.” Aaron lifts his head with some effort and meets hollow, hazel eyes with hollow, hazel eyes. “I am right here. I’m right in front of you.”
Aaron pauses, blinks, and pushes his forehead against Andrew’s. They stay like that for a moment and Andrew has a thought that is probably the closest they’ve been since they were the same sack of cells.
“No you’re not,” Aaron says.
Andrew sighs and moves to stand, hauling Aaron to his feet beside him. “Let’s go. It fucking reeks in here.”
_
Kaitlyn and Aaron’s bedroom is possibly the most obnoxiously straight thing Andrew has ever seen in his life. There’s an annoying amount of pillows on the bed, and a framed engagement photo sitting proudly on the bedside table. In it, Kaitlyn and Aaron grin at each other brightly while Kaitlyn thrusts her sparkly ring into the foreground of the photo.
Andrew watches with tired eyes as Aaron climbs into the close side of the bed, swipes all of the unnecessary throw pillows onto the floor, and collapses. Andrew draws the blankets up around him and sets the bottle of water on the table. He drags over the cloth-lined trash bin, rolling his eyes at the fact that Aaron owns a garbage can with a cloth fucking lining.
Andrew eyes the other side of the bed warily. Kaitlyn and Aaron have sex on this bed. The thought makes him want to gag. Still, he wrinkles his nose and climbs in, tucking himself against the wall on top of the covers. He shuffles around a bit until he finds a comfortable position. Aaron blinks his eyes open and holds Andrew’s gaze sleepily. “Andrew?”
Andrew hums in reply, waiting for the rest of the question. Instead, Aaron just drags his clammy hand against the blankets and wraps weak fingers around Andrew’s wrist.
Then he falls asleep.
_
Sometime after midnight, Andrew hears the bedroom door creak open. Kaitlyn doesn’t even look in the direction of the bed as she goes to the chair in the corner to pick up a blanket. Andrew watches as she pads back towards the door. She peeks over her shoulder with sad, tired eyes. She startles when she meets Andrew’s gaze.
She opens her mouth to speak, but Andrew puts a finger to his lips to keep her quiet. Kaitlyn’s expression shutters she looks at her feet.
Andrew sighs. “He’ll be okay in a few days,” he whispers. He doesn’t know why he’s trying to comfort her. He doesn’t care about her. She’s just the idiot that decided she wanted to deal with Aaron’s shit for the rest of her life. And she couldn’t even do that right. Still, Andrew finds himself consoling his soon to be sister-in-law if only because he knows Aaron would want him to. “Get some rest,” he says. Kaitlyn nods and closes the door with a soft click.
_
In the morning Andrew blinks awake just as the sun streams through the cream colored curtains he’s sure Kaitlyn picked out. He doesn’t startle awake like he thought he would at the prospect of waking up in a strange bed in a strange city. His body must still, after all these years and miles and lifetimes of separation, recognize Aaron right beside him. The clock reads 7:03 am.
Beside him, Aaron sleeps with his jaw slack and drool running out the side of his mouth. There’s a crease between his eyebrows and a slight flutter to his breath. His sweaty hair is matted to his temple.
Andrew needs coffee.
He climbs out of the bed silently and makes his way to the kitchen. Kaitlyn is already up, head cradled in her hands as she sits at the counter. She startles when Andrew crosses in front of her to get to the coffee pot. “Sugar’s left of the hood vent,” she says, voice more groggy and broken than Andrew ever imagined she could sound. He pours an obscene amount of sugar into his coffee and leans against the counter.
After a few minutes of still silence, Kaitlyn asks. “How is he?”
Andrew sips his coffee. It’s too strong still. He adds more sugar. “He slept through the night. Will probably sleep most of the day.” Kaitlyn nods. “It’s for the best. If he’s awake he’s aware of the craving. Asleep at least he’s not actively thinking about it.”
Kaitlyn runs shaking hands through her hair. “What should I do?”
Andrew shrugs. “Go to work. I’ve got this.”
She shakes her head, blonde hair flying. “No. I don’t want to leave him.”
“I’ll handle this.”
“No, I-”
“Kaitlyn.” Her eyes jolt up to meet his. Andrew is acutely aware that he has never once used her actual name before. “Have I ever not done whatever it takes to make sure he’s okay?”
They stare at each other in utter silence for a long moment. Outside a siren goes by. Somewhere on the floor above them a door slams.
Kaitlyn nods her head. “Okay,” she says, draining the rest of her coffee and heading down the hall. Andrew slowly sips the rest of his own coffee before pouring himself another, grabbing another bottle of water from the fridge, some crackers from the pantry, and trailing down the hall.
In the bedroom, Kaitlyn has a bundle of clothes draped over her arm as she leans over Aaron’s pliant form on the bed. She runs her fingers through his dirty hair and speaks close to his ear. Aaron mumbles something back and Kaitlyn kisses his temple and leaves without a backward glance in Andrew’s direction.
“Sit up,” Andrew says, opening the box of crackers. Aaron swats at Andrew’s hand when he reaches to help him. “Aaron, sit up. You need to eat something.” Aaron grumbles but forces himself into sitting position on shaky arms. He stares at Andrew with bleary eyes. “Drink,” Andrew says, holding the water up to Aaron’s mouth. Aaron swallows several greedy mouthfuls before pushing the bottle away and breathing harshly through his nose. “Eat this.” Andrew hands over a stack of crackers.
Aaron’s face is completely vacant, devoid of feeling. His eyes fluttery blearily, barely open at all. Andrew wonders if this is exactly what he himself looked like when he was drugged out of his mind. Aaron shoves a cracker in his mouth, chews, and immediately gags.
“You’re okay,” Andrew says, rubbing between Aaron’s shoulder blades on reflex. “Breathe. You’re not going to throw up. Just breathe.” Aaron shakes his head. “You need to eat.”
It takes upwards of 20 minutes but eventually Aaron makes it through the short stack of crackers without vomiting. Andrew forces him to chug the rest of the bottle of water before ordering him back to sleep.
For hours Andrew sits in the chair in the far corner of the room, sipping on coffee and water, and lazily making his way through some random novel he pulled off of Kaitlyn’s bookshelf. He keeps himself busy, making himself lunch, texting updates to Neil and Nicky, opening the window to let in some fresh air. The sun is high in the mid-afternoon light when he peeks up from his shitty book and sees Aaron staring right at him. The room is bathed in a buttery yellow glow. The twins blink back and forth at each other for a long minute.
“Andrew,” Aaron says, stretching his arm out off the side of the bed as if to touch. His muscles are weak and his arm trembles with the exertion. Andrew gets up and climbs into bed beside him. Aaron groans as he forces himself to turn over and face his twin. “You’re still here,” he says.
“You still need me.”
Aaron scoffs. “I don’t need you.” He sounds so much like himself Andrew’s chest gives a relieved lurch.
“Then why am I here?”
“Are you?”
Andrew blinks at him. “You asked for me. Kailyn called and I came.” Aaron stares, eyes clear for the first time in who knows how long. He’s never looked at Andrew like this before. “I blew off Neil to be here.”
It’s the wrong thing to say. Aaron’s expression shutters and he scoffs, rolling over to stare at the ceiling. “Fucking Josten. If you want to be there so bad, then go. Like I said, I don’t need you.”
“Yes you do,” Andrew says. “I pulled you out of this shit before and I’m going to do it again.” Aaron won’t look at him. He just stares at the ceiling. “Hey.” He pokes Aaron in the shoulder. “I’m always going to be here when you need me.”
Aaron whips his head around to meet Andrew’s gaze. Andrew is surprised to see tears shining in his brother’s eyes. “Don’t fucking lie to me,” Aaron spits. “You were never there for me. Ever.” Andrew doesn’t know what to say. How could Aaron not see? Ever since Andrew had known of his existence, all Andrew wanted was to keep his brother safe. “All I ever wanted growing up was a brother. A built-in best friend. And when I finally found you, you didn’t even want me. You pushed me away.”
“Aaron.” Outside the window birds are chirping, traffic is passing. The world spins. “I always protected you.”
“No.” Aaron shakes his head so hard Andrew worries he’ll give himself a concussion. He wipes furiously as the tears pooling in his eyes give way.
“Yes.” His voice is firm. Absolute. “Think about it. Why might I have no wanted to bring my identical twin brother into that house? What would be a good enough reason to push away the only real brother I’d ever get?”
Aaron gapes, mouth open and breathing heavy. His hazel eyes are clouded with tears but the understanding in them is clear as day. “Drake,” Aaron says. Andrew nods his head only once.
“And then when we finally got to be together, after everything, who did I protect you from then?”
Aaron shakes his head again. Andrew wraps a hand around the back of Aaron’s neck to stop the movement. “She was different. She was our mother. She didn’t mean-”
“Yes. She did. And even if she didn’t mean to really hurt you, it doesn’t matter. She did it anyway.” Aaron let’s out a frustrated sob, body trembling. Andrew can practically feel the ache in his twin’s head. “And when she hit me in that car, it didn’t matter if I was me or you. She just wanted to hit something. Someone. And she paid the price for it. I didn’t even have to do anything to provoke her.” Aaron wipes furiously at his cheeks. “She wasn’t a good person, and I protected you.”
“Andrew.”
“I got you clean once, I made you a deal, I stood by your side every single day. Every single day I chose you.”
“Until Josten came along. Then you chose him.”
“Yes,” Andrew breathed. “I chose Neil. And I don’t regret it because now I get to be with Neil and you get to be with Kaitlyn and we’re both happier than either of us were ever meant to be. We’re both better off this way. And I don’t need some stupid deal to promise that I’ll always be here when you need me.” Andrew knows this is probably the most he’s ever said at one time. He feels exhausted but knows he needs to nail the point home while he has Aaron’s attention. “Aaron,” he says. “You are my brother. That means something. Do you understand?”
Aaron nods his head once, blinks, and nods again. Another flush of relief floods through Andrew’s chest.
Aaron’s eyes go hazy and soft. “Andrew,” he says, reaching a hand out slowly and poking a finger at Andrew’s cheek. “Andrew, are you really here?”
His chest clenches. “Yeah,” he says. “I’m here.”
_
They lay like that for what seems like hours until Aaron’s eye droop closed and he slips back into sleep. Kaitlyn returns just as the sun is starting to sink low through the window. Andrew meets her in the kitchen.
“He’s fine,” Andrew says before she can ask. “Sleeping again. He’s still a little out of it but the worst of it’s over.”
All of the air seems to leave Kaitlyn’s lungs at once. “Thank god.”
“If you like,” Andrew replies, knowing full well that God had nothing to do with this. “Listen, he needs to start seeing a therapist. Not Bee; he’d never say yes to that, but someone he trusts. And he needs to start going to NA meetings. He won’t want to, he’ll say he doesn’t need to, but his life is only going to get more stressful, so make sure he goes, okay?”
Kaitlyn nods her head resolutely. “Thank you,” she says, avoiding his gaze.
Andrew’s face hardens, his eyes cold. “Don’t ever wait so long to call me again. Do you understand?”
“Yes.” Andrew can see the old familiar fear in her eyes that was always present whenever they crossed paths in college. Good, he thinks. She should be afraid.
Without another word, Andrew stalks back towards the bedroom to collect his things. He pauses in the doorway and sweeps his gaze over Aaron’s sleeping form. He wonders if Aaron will remember their conversation when he wakes, or if he’ll think it was all a dream; a hallucination.
Andrew leaves his sweatshirt on the corner chair as proof just in case.