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It's deep into Naboo's nighttime hours, and he's not really sure why he was awake.
General Amidala had prepared the medical wing just like she'd promised and the Stormtroopers were in there now, all of their armour in a pile to be recycled on the western side of the building. Ghost Company had not left their side, doing everything and anything they could for their brothers. It was touching, but troubling. They had no idea what kind of programming was inside of those men, what the Empire had done to them in the meantime, and they were entrusted with a whole unguarded wing of the base? it just didn't sit right with him, but he certainly wasn't about to start arguing with General Amidala. She was a Zillo beast packed into a tiny woman, and he had never had any doubts that she could tear him apart if she so desired.
He had his hands in his pockets, wandering the cream concrete gardens of the palace. Vines and flowers climbed the walls and pillars - everything ornate and beautiful, just like the rest of the planet and its people - but the blue light of the moon cast it in a distinctly melancholy mood. Across the courtyard and above the top of a line of hedges, he could see the Negotiator in all of her looming glory, still and silent without her General at her helm. It alone didn't seem phased by the inclination of the moonlight, its silver gleaming brighter, prouder. But then, she was named after her helmsman, and for all her faults, Kenobi was a beacon against darkness. Even talking about vengeance and terrible deeds, she resisted hatred, loneliness, anger, darkness.
The shadows cast on the ground were not deep, but they were long, and when he followed them with his eyes, he felt drawn to them. Shadows always seemed as if they were going somewhere, as if they had somewhere they were striving to reach. If one watched them long enough, they would creep forward, linking with more and more shadows and continue creeping together, in comfortable, companionable silence. In the cool stillness, he ached to join them. What it would be like to have an innate sense of direction, purpose, belonging, he mused, peering down at his own shadow, pooled shallowly at his feet. He was not connected to anything, not tethered. He had wished to establish those bonds, that sense of worth, within the rebellion, but he had been struggling at his best. Then Kenobi and her spectacular soldiers had come and cleared away the mist of his own illusions. He knew that he belonged here, but he stopped trying to pretend that anything he had to offer was even comparable to her talents.
He missed guidance. He missed his master and her kind words, how her instruction never felt like she was correcting failure. He missed the Temple, with its lazy fountains and beautiful gardens. He missed his friends and the home he had. He missed feeling protected, secure and free. He missed not having to hide, to be something he's not. He missed walking in the creche, holding the gurgling babies and teaching the toddlers to walk. He missed his braid, what it had meant to him when Depa had picked him. He missed the Republic, and he missed his childhood. He missed knowing who he was. He missed knowing who he was going to be.
"It's a lonely night to be out here by yourself."
He turned away from the long fingers of the shadows, finding General Amidala standing there. She smiled crookedly, knowingly. "General."
She stepped up beside him, her hair down and her body out of all her normal extravagant drapery. She was just a small woman at his side, hands clasped in front of her and eyes on the ground. "How are you holding up?"
"Uh, I'm alright. Why?"
She smiled sadly at him again. "No one is awake at this hour because they are alright."
"I just couldn't sleep. Figured I'd take a walk. Why?"
"I know full well what a lost soul looks like." She replied, looking out over the courtyard. "I know what it feels like too."
"What do you mean?"
"I was Naboo's youngest Queen. I was fifteen when I took the throne, when I started making decisions that could make or break millions of lives. I was lost and scared, and I had no idea if what I was doing was right. But I pressed on, not really able to see where it would take me. I didn't know what I was supposed to do, only that I knew I was supposed to do something."
"Yeah, I can't argue with that."
"After my term finished, I took over as Senator. I was in the Senate for the rest of my career." She took a breath, releasing a sigh. "But the bleak landscape of the Senate never broke me. More devious politicians were on my own planet, ones who had wanted me dead. Did you know I was married?'
"No, I didn't." He blinked in surprise. "To who?"
"I married him in secret, in a lakehouse not far from here." She pulled a necklace out of her dress, a silver thing with a plain gold band hung on it. "I married him because he was sweet and charming and beautiful and had a drive to protect people that I'd never seen in someone before. He'd been a slave at one point, rescued by the Jedi. He was a warrior who didn't leave men behind if he could help it, and saved everyone he could. Everything I loved about him was everything that pulled him down."
"What happened to him?"
She looked up at him, tears welling in her eyes. "I lost him. And now, I can't find myself either." She took his hand, pressing a soft kiss to his knuckles. "Please, Caleb, don't lose yourself."
He could only watch as she turned away, gliding away and into the darkness of a trellis with tears rolling down her cheeks. The rustle of leaves sounded to his left, and from underneath an overhang, Kenobi walked out. She was dressed in similar fashion to how she had been talking with Ezra on the cruiser but her hair was ornately braided around her head.
He felt her caress his mind, her blue eyes glowing from the other side of the bed of daisies.
"What is it that Ezra sees in you?" He asked quietly, his words soft enough to get absorbed into the silent ambience. She didn't answer, rather the sensation became stronger, still gentle but beckoning. With a sigh, he closed his eyes, tilted his face up towards the moon, and pushed open the doors of his mind.
Stars wheeled overhead, a beautiful cascade of light and space. How things so small in scale could do so much, could give life to trillions of life forms on just one planet . . .
The stars become sand, and there is a boy sitting in the middle of this desert, watching. He's small, no more than eight, with blonde hair. His gaze it tilted towards the sky and tears run from his eyes.
"Will I ever be free?" He asks.
Sand to space then the Temple. He knows it is the same boy, but older. With proper food, he has grown and he is beautiful. His skin reflects the sun of his desert upbringing, but his blonde hair has darkened. His eyes remain a haunting, crystal blue.
He held out his lightsaber, igniting it and falling into the first Kata as he presented it. There is a general murmur of approval, but he met only one set of eyes, begging for their approval.
"Are you formally my master now?"
The Temple shifts to an unfamiliar starcruiser, where he stands now a man. His braid has been and gone, his face sharpened with age. His eyes have narrowed, but they remain piercing and feral, the kind of beauty only danger can be.
"Which battle next, Master?"
The starcruiser becomes a lake beach in the middle of summer. It's Naboo, with lush grass that's tall and green. She's younger here, Amidala, and she looks so full of life. She ran into his arms and he grabbed her, spinning her around during their kiss. They are so in love. She is one of the only people he loves.
"I never want to leave you again."
The grasses fall away to a cliffside, and he sat down next to a young woman, wrapping her in his arms. She, so much different in look and attitude to the current Ahsoka, wept into his chest. Their squad had all fallen, and she was their commander. It wasn't her fault, the intel was faulty, but she wasn't taking it well. He held her closer, squeezing tight.
"I'll protect you."
The cliffside morphs into a cruiser's bridge and he stood, strick still. Without his knowledge, tears run down his face. The others look at him and can see the cracks, more than just the scar over his eye. He was shattering inside, falling apart too quick to catch. He began to shake, his hands trembling.
"I've lost her."
The scene fades to blackness.
Stars wink to life, slowly brightening just enough to illuminate the winged woman standing in front of a mirror. With an unsteady breath, she cut away her Padawan braid. She looked at herself, analyzing her face and trying to memorize this moment. Her master was supposed to do that, but he was gone now, and he would not return. She reached back, pulling something lose and her hair fell from its tight and neat bun. She turned away, because the moment was over now. Darkness had claimed her master's life, but beyond the doors was a small boy, no more than eight, who looked to her now to know what it means to be free.
"And so I begin again."
The stars continue to bloom around her, eventually bright enough to blot her out altogether.
He opened his eyes to find the light of dawn on his face, sitting cross-legged in the open courtyard. It was warm already, encompassing the horizon in a dazzling display of gold. Around him, the shadows have retreated, finding their way to wherever they were meant to be. He felt calm, serene in a way he had not in a long time. He felt more of the birds' singing than the departure of the evening, paid more attention to the whisper of the morning breeze on his face than the retreating chill of dawn.
In the shadows still cast by the hedges, she is seated, watching him. He doesn't feel pierced this time, doesn't feel like a broken machine under the gaze of a disapproving mechanic.
"The truth is not so straightforward as you think it is." She said, softly with the weight of a hard life. "You can't run from who you are, Caleb. Neither can I. The darkness is big, and it is overwhelming, but when you look into the night sky, what you see is the stars, not the space. The shadows invite you to walk with them, but the sun will always come to find you. I can't claim to know what pushed you so far from the path in your life, but that does not mean you have to stay where you are, lost."
"Who was he? The man in the vision?"
"Your Vader." She whispered. "My Anakin."
"That was Darth Vader?"
"To come to a Fall, one has had to be wandering lost beforehand." She blinked back tears. "My disappearance pushed him into wildspace and everything that made him who he was, that had nutured Ahsoka and loved Padmé, became the weights that dragged him down."
"Why did you show this to me?"
She stood, stepping into the light and igniting. "When I finally face him, I will do everything I can not to kill him. A man like Anakin does not change, his weaknesses are exploited. If I can, I will walk him back into the light of the sun." She stopped in front of him, offering him her hand. "Even if you are walking with the shadows, there is light at your back to make them. There is always a way back."
He took her hand.
He stayed out in the woodlands the rest of the day and most of the evening, just listening to the sounds of nature all around him and feeding his starving senses. He even went as far was to meditate on his own, letting the world into his soul and relishing the weightlessness of it. He'd forgotten what it felt like to be so connected to the Living Force, but he knew why he'd cut it off.
To survive, he'd had to stifle that part of himself. He'd locked it away when Depa had been taken from him, when he was sure that it was a mark of death. He couldn't bear it, couldn't allow himself to be broadcast and caught like that, to be gunned down like a traitor. He hadn't known at the time it would foster the darkness, even though he had always been aware of his resentment. But here, sitting in the light of the Naboo sun, he truly marvelled at himself for having been able to leave this behind.
The reconnection felt like he'd reunited with his other half, like he'd been half-submerged and had finally come up for air and clarity. The world felt like it was in once piece again and all around him, he felt like a part of it. He, too, contributed to the life here, just as much as the beautiful flowers and ancient trees. He was alive, a presence in his own right. It felt so good to remember it, to feel it again. He remembered now why the Jedi could lose themselves to meditation for days, weeks at a time if they were not careful.
And he had robbed Ezra of it, simply by being selfish.
He let himself take in the world around him once more, releasing the dark thought - though true - into the Force. He was not particularly adept with his aura, but he pushed it out as best as he could, getting far enough to feel the medical wing where the clones were camped out. He didn't know whether it was just his long-time deafness to the Force or if this was genuinely as powerful as it felt.
Not only was Kenobi in the makeshift barracks - such a strong beacon - but every Force signature inside the building was lit up with joy. Even the ex-Troopers, who's minds were tainted with fear and anxiety, were overriding the pain simply to feel the mirth being around their brothers brought them.
Come closer. Kenobi whispered into his mind. He felt her mental gaze on him, like standing under a spotlight, but he used her as an anchor, pushing his mental limits to feel the clones more fully. She aided him, reaching into him and pulling pieces lose, letting his senses expand.
Is this what Ezra sees? He realized.
Kenobi didn't answer, just pulled him in closer. She reached out and opened the minds of the clones with her touch. They opened swiftly, as if they recognized it. Cody was the only one she didn't open up entirely, but he was still receptive. Rex was inside as well, his feelings tinted grey with melancholy and nostalgia. But even he, with a lifetime of sadness and disappointment hanging from him, still managed to laugh and hold his brothers close, to rejoice in the simplicity of life and sharing it with ones you love. Their love was a strange feeling. It wasn't like what Ezra harboured for him, or what Hera felt when she touched his cheek softly. No, this love was entirely unconditional, the purest kind of love he'd ever had the privilege of feeling.
There was no wrong, no evil that could be committed by these men that they would not forgive. They were brothers, and even if they had never met the other man, they were united by the fact that they were all they had. They didn't favour one brother over another, they all hugged and shared and wept together. A million men, united by one heart and the desire to survive.
It's beautiful.
They are. She agreed, letting out a ringing note into the Force - a clear, trilling bell that reminded him of magic and light and dancing, little children giggling as they chased each other in the surf, old couples holding hands on a bench. The clones' spirits all rose up together at the call, brightening to an almost blinding level. It was a chorus of thunder - the kind of sound horses make running across plains, a rush of giddy energy and excitement.
Amazing.
She let them swell, almost to the point where he could feel it start to echo in his head, then blanketed them in her own affection - warm like summer breezes, the smell of baking pastry or cookie, the comfort of an old lullaby, the pass of daylight across a napping face. They quieted at her request, the light less blinding but still shining brightly. The ex-Troopers shed their nerves in the rush of joy, letting the harboured negativity fall away for just enough time. It was a humbling experience, to be privy to the attainment of enlightenment.
Kenobi released him, helping him sink slowly back into his own head. He realized that she'd done the same thing for Ezra. She was teaching him, even when he had not asked. She was helping him, guiding him even when he'd questioned her judgement, disrespected her in front of her men and challenged her worthiness and authority. She was not perfect, certainly, but he knew she would be the first to air that disclaimer. She deserved every inch of her reputation, likely more since she kept so much of herself hidden away. But that was okay. She spoke and acted as who she wanted to be, someone who was perhaps not always who she was.
He opened his eyes and the last whispers of daylight vanished behind the hedges. He blinked, surprised, but stood. He wasn't rickety or stiff - meditation took away all of the bodily worries if done correctly. He stretched anyway. He didn't know how Kenobi had replaced sleep with meditation, but he didn't plan on trying it again. He wanted to go snuggle up to Hera, hold her close and continue to revel in the newfound joy of being alive.
He walked out of the gardens and into the courtyard. He skirted most of the open arena, but when he went to pass a small alley, he spotted a shimmer. Deep in the alley, far enough away so that he could not hear their whispers, only the impressions of the sounds, stood Kenobi and Cody.
He reached up to touch her face. She nuzzled into it and never had she looked so soft. She kissed his palm, her wings dropped down from their normal rigid fixture, and stepped closer. They shared tender kisses, so wrapped up in their moment and one another. A sweetheart coupling under the gaze of the moon, a tender affirmation of affection and desire - a man and a woman in a forbidden, secret love.
"It's a terrible privilege."
He jumped, spinning around to find General Amidala standing behind him, in similiar fashion to the night before. She smiled softly.
"Jedi in love are the most powerful people in the galaxy. It's also what makes them the most dangerous. It's why bonds were forbidden. Even with with my experiences, I still think it has a valuable ability for good." She looked at him, punctuating her seriousness with her gaze. "It all depends on you, and if you control it instead of it controlling you."
"What do you think about Kenobi?"
"I couldn't tell you what she'd do if Cody died. My faith in her says she would come through. But I did not mean that as a warning for her."
He startled. "What did you mean, then?'
She gave him a secretive smile before she turned away, sashaying off into the gardens herself. "Say goodnight to Hera for me, will you?"
He watched her go until she vanished around a corner, then looked back down the alley at Kenobi and Cody, foreheads pressed together intimately. he glanced back and forth a couple of times before laughing to himself, putting his hands in his pockets, then walking off towards his bed and his girlfriend.