Chapter Text
The first time you caught sight of John Egbert, he made your breath hitch. You mistook him for someone else- your ex-boyfriend, Jake English. You forgot about him soon after he left your sight.
The second time you see him, a week later, you catch yourself staring. You realize that he may look like your ex-boyfriend from a distance, but he was remarkably different. His jaw was more rounded, his hair was lighter and flowed differently, his teeth were slightly more bucked, he was taller, and his eyes were the deepest shade of blue you have ever seen among various other things that made him different.
You also notice that while Jake was more straight forward with things, John was hesitant. When you noticed him talking to someone, you could see the gears working in his head.
The third time you see him, you realize that you're falling into the deepest pile of shit you have ever seen. You start noticing things that he does- from biting his lips when he is nervous to tapping his fingers quietly at his side when he is thinking hard about something. It worries you slightly but you try not to think about it.
The forth time you see him he is with your bro. You note that he and Dave are pretty close to one another. You envy that relationship and you admit you are slightly jealous of it. Dave has a lot of friends, unlike you. You notice the way his eyes light up when he talks to Dave and it makes your heart clench. You recognize that look. You gave Jake the same one for a while. You subconsciously wonder if Dave knows how lucky he is.
The fifth time you see him, you actually talk to him. It was a short "sup" while walking past him, followed by a "hello Dirk!" But it still made you happy. He was a nice guy. You can see why your bro likes him so much.
The sixth time you see him, you finally landed in your pile of shit. As soon as you smacked yourself into the pile you couldn't stop thinking about him. You started to seek him out, but made sure to keep your distance so he didn't notice you.
You had memorized the sound of his bubbly laugh and surly could draw his face perfectly, if you could actually draw that well. The way the corners of his lips moved upwards when he sees one of his friends, or how his lips part just ever so slightly when he is amazed at something or someone, you have all of that memorized too. He displayed his emotions so easily like a picture book, and you were the child who was dazzled by the wonderful colors and lines that made up the pictures on on the page.
The seventh time you see him, it was when you walked in on him changing in your bathroom. He had just taken his shirt off and had tossed it onto the floor. You swear your heart skipped a beat as you ran your eyes down his chest. The muscles were there, though not overwhelming. He had the outlines of a six pack and his skin was nicely toned. You don't think you will be forgetting that sight any time soon. You also dont think you will forget the tint of pink that rose to his cheeks and tips of his ears when he notices you were there, only after pulling his pants down half way. He quickly pulled them back up and pushed you out of the room, closing the door behind him.
The eighth time you see him, he was crying. Well, not really crying but he may as well of have been. He was sitting down against a wall and the look on his face was that of pure betrayal and sorrow. You swear he was a dam ready to overflow at any time. After you finally decided to approach him, you sat down next to him without a word. The two of you sat there in silence for what felt like an hour until he softly spoke, barely above a whisper.
"He was kissing Karkat."
You knew exactly who he was talking about. And it was at that time the dam burst and he clung to you like you were his last hope for savior. You let him cling. You swear you could of have went to find Dave and beat him senseless for hurting John this much. You wanted to, actually. But he needed you now and you would be damned if you left him alone.
He cried himself to sleep that day and you carried him to his bed. Eventually you just decided to watch over him the rest of the night.
The next morning you punched Dave in the face.
The ninth time you see him four days later, he actually sought you out.
"I never said thank you for what you did."
He didn't need to thank you. You tell him such.
"No, I do! I mean I was kind of a mess and you didn't have to stay with me or put me to bed. So for that thank you."
A smile was brought to your face. You tell him he can make it up to you by going on a date.
After a few seconds of thought, he agrees.
"It can't hurt after all."
The tenth time you see him, your breath once again hitched. It was the day of your date and you swear he was beautiful. For once you weren't looking at him from afar or while crying and upset. You were next to him, he was beside you, and everything felt right as if you belonged there. Everything about him screamed "look at me!!!" to you. You never wanted to look away. You could tell he had recently gotten out of the shower because of his damp hair, which somehow made him look even more beautiful than you already thought he was.
The two of you settled on watching a movie then going out to eat. It was cliche- typical date scenes you see in movies or read about in books, but you still enjoyed yourself and you were sure he did too.
"Maybe we could do this again." He said before closing his front door behind him.
It wasn't until the eleventh time you saw him that you realized you were in love with him. You didn't talk to him, but you just realized it as you watched him. It was a different love then what you had felt with Jake though.
With Jake it was more of a thin line kind of love. It felt like you had to follow the line perfectly or else something bad would happen. Even though you weren't that clumsy, you still wavered from the line often and that lead to where you are now- as ex's.
This love was more free. Even though John knew nothing of your feelings, it still felt like you didn't have to make sure to follow a line. It was never once like that with Jake.
The twelfth time you see John, a month later, he was in the arms of Dave. It made you stop in your tracks and you almost thought you were dreaming. You turn around and leave before they saw you.
The thirteenth time you see him, he is pressed against the wall with Dave, their lips on one another. When they notice that you're there, they part and Dave tells you that they're boyfriends now. Silently, you watch as John's cheeks turn a nice, light, rosy pink. You leave the room and think maybe you will be sick, so you head for the bathroom. You didn't like your lunch anyways.
You avoid John for the next four months. The fourteenth time you see him, it was when you saw him asleep on your couch. Dave apparently had class and you took it as though John wanted to wait around for him. You lean against the side of the couch and study his face. You don't know how long you were watching him but soon you hear a faint click at the front door. You're down the hall before it was even fully opened.
Dave moves out to his own apartment soon after. As such, you don't see John anymore and you stop having to avoid him. The heartbreak slowly starts to heal, you think.
It is two years later when you see him for the fifteenth time, on their wedding day. Dave asked you to be best man and you agreed. The feelings come rushing back as you watch John walk down the aisle escorted by his father.
You cant help but feel stupid. You didn't know the kid but here you are still hopelessly in love with him when you thought you were well over him. He was going to be your brother in law soon and you loved him.
"I do." You hear him say to your brother.
You can't help but feel like he may be saying it to the wrong person.
You see him the sixteenth time later that evening. It was at the after party or whatever it was called. You were never big on weddings. It was just after John and Dave parted from their first dance as a married couple. As part of tradition, John's dad danced with Dave. Since you were the closest thing Dave had to a father, you danced with John.
He was a clumsy dance to say the least. As the two of you swayed to the song -one of your hands on his hip and the other on his shoulder
( his currently on the same spots on you )- you felt happy again. You truly loved John as stupid as it made you. You decided that you were happy now that he was happy. Even if it was with your brother.
Still you allowed yourself to enjoy the moment. Even when he stepped on your feet, you were happy.
The seventeenth time you saw him was when they decided that it was about time you met their adopted daughter, Casey.
You were never a kids guy. They tended to annoy the crap out of you before making you smile, but Casey was different. Not only was she John's daughter, but Dave's as well. She was your niece, and suddenly you wanted to spoil her rotten.
It didn't help that she had blue eyes. Not as deep as John's but they still drew you in just as easily. You knew you loved her from the moment you saw her.
She was beautiful and you wish she called you dad and not uncle, but god you were never happier for the couple. Casey would be in good hands and would be raised properly. If not, they would be hearing from ( what later on Casey called ) "Mean uncle Dirk".
The eighteenth time you saw him was when Casey turned three. You had been out of country for a year for work and had just arrived in time to make it. It also marks the day that you realized you loved John. What a coincidence.
You got Casey the biggest stuffed bear you could find and the look in her eyes was priceless. You also snuck her some candy later. You got caught by John and was scolded for doing such. He let it slide because it was his precious daughter after all, and let her have it as long as she didn't eat it all at once.
God he was an amazing parent. You wonder if Dave knew how lucky he was to not only be married to a wonderful guy, but also a wonderful father.
The nineteenth time you see him..
You regret everything and the steady beeping noise was an annoyance but also a beacon of hope at the same time. The pitch of the beeps was starting to drive you crazy.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Over and over again. But it also told you that John was still alive.
Dave sat beside the bed holding John's hand, you in the corner watching. Casey was being watched by one of their friends, Rose, for the time being.
John had had a heart attack and wasn't expected to wake up. Apparently from what his dad had said, it ran in the family. He had gotten lucky and had not suffered such fate.
Unfortunately, John wasn't that lucky.
Beep.
Beep.
Bee-
The twentieth time you see him you didn't want to be there. He was dressed nicely in a suit and tie. The suit was black, and the tie was a nice and rich green that would of have contrasted nicely with his eyes. His hair had been slicked back with what you assumed was gel, the mustache that had been growing on him for a little while had been shaved off, and oddly it made him look ten years older.
Or maybe it was how deathly pale he was.
Get it? Deathly pale.
He was laid down in a white coffin that had golden trim around the edges, hands intertwined ontop of his chest. The fabric inside was a deep blue much like how his eyes had been. On top of the coffin laid a boutique of red, blue, and white roses. Dave picked our the red and white ones. You insisted on the blue.
Red and white roses fit Dave's feelings for the boy.
Not only was blue John's favorite color, blue roses also fit your feelings for him.
All together it fit John.
You draped your arm across your brothers shoulders as they buried him. He had his shades off, tucked safely inside his pocket. Casey was crying into his shoulder, too young to fully understand what happened to her daddy but old enough to realize he wouldn't be back. Dave wouldn't cry in public. Though his face resembled that of how John's face had once- that day years ago as you comforted him.
Suddenly the weight of the fact that you never told John how you felt fell upon your shoulders. IT felt like a million tons of pressure landed on you and you thought that you wanted to just let your own dam break open. But you didn't, and you pushed the thought aside. You needed to be your brother's support tower. You would be there as the brother you should be no matter what. You will put your own feelings aside.
That didn't stop you, however, from staying behind to have one last moment the cold stone or the freshly placed soil. You sit at his grave after everyone else had left, even Dave. The sun had just started to set and the wind was strong against you.
You traced your pointer finger over the letters that spelled out JOHN EGBERT.
"Did you know John.." you start out softly, a single tear rolling down your cheek. You ignore it.
"I love you. It wasn't love at first sight but it was close enough."