Chapter Text
“This world really is standing still”, Gabriel thought when he picked up a brown leaf from his feet. Even the dead stayed as they were. These hollow, dying trees just stood here, and when they came down, they would lie like that. Untouched.
Not even the corpses rot. The worms had died out.
In Gabriel’s world, everything was always moving. That is what was essentially beautiful in his Father’s creation, even if Lucifer and Michael too, really, saw the mortality of humans and fragility of Earth fatally imperfect. But they didn’t see it as Gabriel did. All things dead turn into life anew.
“Not here though.”
Gabriel sat low on the ground picking the leaf apart. He thought about Sam’s dead body stripped of its meat and scattered across the tunnels. Bones never turning into dust. Leftovers of his flesh staying ever fresh, ever so raw till the end of this time. When the boy demanded to know why he didn’t save him, it sounded like an echo of his own mind.
“I am not strong enough”, he said, and the first time forever, it was not a dismissive shrug.
Raising the dead isn’t the same as putting your drunk and drugged-ass brother through some funny bar loop-de-loops. It was all thanks to Rowena casting the spell and Lucifer being so low and pathetic that the trap even worked. All Gabriel had to do was to distract Lucifer with his mindless trickery. It took hardly an effort. But opening a rift, what a joke. Saving Sam Winchester… a cruel realization that you are the joke.
“I could have fought for him”, said Gabriel quietly to himself. “I couldn’t have saved him, but I didn’t have to let him go without a fight.”
Dean was going to retrieve his body. That sounded terribly foolhardy, and yet Gabriel felt like that was a thing to do. This world did not deserve to keep his Sam and his ever fresh flesh. Dean should take it back when all this was over. Sam deserved more than this. At least he should be given the change to begin a new life on a living Earth. As grass and flowers and worms. You know, how God intended.
Not a single word of true kindness in seven long Hell years. And neither did Sam have any real reason to be so tender with Gabriel. What has he ever done to Sam to be granted with amiable non-judgement? Sam’s opinion on him didn’t change even after knowing he hadn’t even pulled off the one thing, that one fucking thing they they asked of him the last time. Sam shrugged it off. Like he knew. Unlike Dean, Gabriel got the sense that Sam was so kind, because he too would have decided to skip the world, if he could have. Sam forgave him and gave him a second chance to be worth it. Now he’s dead.
When Sam begged for Gabriel to give Dean back to him and go right back riding the road to the Apocalypse, Gabriel never guessed he’d sit here, on its edge. Gabriel had never been able to resist Sam, when he pleaded for aid. Sam picked him up at his lowest point. He took the stitches off and gave back his voice, even though he didn’t have to. He had spoken to him with nothing but forgiveness he didn’t deserve.
“Gabriel, I need you”, had he said. How could Sam be so readily open?
“But I needed you more”, Gabriel answered now that it was just… too late. Insignificant. Unnecessary. Gabriel had always had trouble with sincerity and now that he was sincere, it was to underline what a screw-up he was. He can’t do one thing right, he never has.
How did he mess this up so bad? Gabriel threw the leaf back onto the ground, where it stayed. Not even the wind would carry leaves here, where all the colors were washed out. The leaf would never decompose. What was left of Sam was a maligned corpse that would not become one with the soil. Oh, if he could take it back, he would, would have...
Aren’t you always like that, Gabriel? Failing at the time of proving yourself? Do you think this one can be taken back as easily, as the stupid demonstration at Mystery Spot, that was essentially just a trick to make Sam cry over Dean, and his life, and the doom they were heading?
At that moment Gabriel reached out for his Father, like he once did before, ages ago.
“This world is Yours too. Redeem me for my sins and give me Your guidance.”
What is it worth to pray, God didn’t answer him when he was suffering in the pits of Hell. Why bother putting it out so formally. Was anyone listening? God didn’t smite the demon even though he was breaking apart his baby son. God had said to Gabriel he was his golden ray, made of sunshine, just like Lucifer was one with the stars. He let Gabriel to wither away, imprisoned though. Why would he answer prayers, if he didn’t answer the cries of pain and torment? Did God enjoy the suffering? Why has he forsaken us over and over again, without any reason?
There was a tear in Gabriel’s eye that wouldn’t fall. A sound of bells stirred him up.
Could it be a sign?
If Gabriel was crying he did not notice.
FIN