Work Text:
Oh, I always let you down
You're shattered on the ground
But still, I find you there
Next to me
Dan had been gone for 4 hours and 16 minutes when Phil heard the keys rustling.
When he hadn’t heard from Dan in 1 hour and 43 minutes, Phil promised himself that he wouldn’t wait up for him. He’d sat on the sofa with his knees pressed to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs, his phone a few inches away and a terrible feeling in his gut.
He knew that he was supposed to be angry, because he didn’t deserve to be yelled at and he didn’t deserve to be stormed out on, but concern was still the most prominent feeling that swirled in his mind.
Even though he said to himself that he couldn’t wait up once more, he didn’t move from the sofa. He didn’t loosen the grip around his legs and he didn’t get up to go to the bedroom, didn’t climb under the covers or put his phone on silent – just in case . Instead he let his tired eyes fall on the television in front of him, not really paying attention to whatever program was playing, and tried not to think too hard about anything.
He knew that he should just give up and go to bed, or at least take out the itching contacts that he’d worn for more than 17 hours, but he didn’t.
He tried to call him after 2 hours and 13 minutes. Dan didn’t answer. Phil didn’t expect him to. He threw the phone away in a flash of anger and watched it land on the other side of the sofa, but it didn’t take more than a few minutes until he climbed after it. Maybe he would call back this time. He needed to be able to answer – just in case.
In a weak attempt to make himself feel a bit better and to get his mind off things, Phil decided to put Buffy on. He knew every episode by heart and so it didn’t really matter that he couldn’t pay attention, but the familiar voices and scenery made his heart feel that tiny less heavy. With his phone in his hand, slightly ashamed of his own defeat, he nuzzled into the blanket that smelled like Dan and lay down on the cushion.
Even if he wanted to, he knew that he would never fall asleep anyway, so he closed his eyes and tried to picture Dan next to him instead. Maybe it would help. Maybe it would bring him home.
After 3 hours and 2 minutes, and one Buffy episode later, Phil wanted to cry. He didn’t, but he wanted to. The all too familiar lump in his throat made it seem like he’d never be able to swallow anything again, and in an attempt to somehow get rid of it; he got up to get something to drink.
As he got to the kitchen and started rummaging through the cabinets, he considered getting himself some wine, but quickly decided against it. Instead he opted for a cup of coffee, even though caffeine didn’t really work for him, to feel some sense of familiarity. He also took a handful of Dan’s Crunchy Nut, partly in pure spite and partly because it made him feel better. It made him think back to only this morning when Dan had slid his arm around Phil’s waist as he reached out for the cereal box and Phil had smiled as Dan planted a swift kiss on his cheek. Things were so different now.
He took the opportunity to take out the stale contacts and replace them with his glasses. Even though he was fully aware that he wouldn’t go to sleep any time soon, he felt as if he didn’t need to punish himself that much . He climbed back under his blanket with his coffee and his cereal and played the next episode, because there wasn’t anything else he could do.
He cursed himself for feeling too much as the opening scene played.
His phone buzzed after 3 hours and 57 minutes. Phil’s heart jumped and he fumbled for his phone, his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose as he read the text.
‘i’m sorry’
Phil honestly felt tempted to throw his phone across the room again, but he didn’t. Instead, he took a few deep breaths before he typed his answer.
‘Just come home.’
A few seconds passed until his phone vibrated again.
‘i dont know whats wrong with me’
‘Come home.’
Phil felt his heart thump brutally in his chest as he watched the three dots appear and disappear again a few times before Dan hit send.
‘i’m on my way’
When Dan, 19 minutes later, stumbled up the stairs – Phil got up from the sofa and quietly walked into the hallway, his chest heavy and a slight headache pounding just behind his temples. All he wanted to do was get into bed. He hadn’t decided yet if he wanted Dan to join him, but either way, he knew that they had to talk.
“Where have you been?” he said quietly, yet his voice rang through the apartment as if he’d been yelling. Dan came to a stop as he climbed the last step, obviously startled, and looked up at Phil with groggy eyes.
“Hey.” Dan lingered for a few seconds on the step before he continued, making his way into the kitchen. Phil followed him.
“Have you been drinking?” Phil asked. “You look terrible.”
“I was just down at the bar,” Dan answered. His voice was slightly higher pitched than usual and he slurred, just barely. Phil knew him too well, had seen him drunk too many times, not to notice. It didn’t calm down his already anxious mind. “I.. I was with Chris.”
Dan grabbed a glass from the counter and began to fill it with water as he spoke. It wasn’t that Phil didn’t believe him, because he did, and it wasn’t that Phil was jealous, because he wasn’t – but it still hurt. He watched as Dan put the glass to his chapped lips and took a few mouthfuls.
“You’re hurting me, you know.” Phil’s voice was small. Quiet. He watched as Dan put the water down and turned to face him, his body swaying somewhat where he stood. “You... just leaving like this. It, it hurts me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you’re trying but, Dan, if you can’t handle this… If it’s too much, then–” Phil took a deep breath before he continued. “I only want what’s best for you, and maybe... maybe that’s not me.”
“But you are,” Dan’s voice suddenly growed desperate, hasty, and Phil felt his heart skip a beat at the words. It was nice to feel something other than numbness, but it wasn’t nearly enough to make him convinced. He wanted to be, but he wasn’t. “The problem, it’s me... It’s that I don’t deserve to be loved. Especially not by you.”
Phil could hear on the way that Dan’s voice broke at the last word that he was about to fall apart, and before he could take the few steps forward to catch him– Dan’s knees doubled and he slid down with his back against the counter until he hit the floor. It didn’t take long until Phil was sat next to him, his hand gently placed on his chin and his face a few inches from Dan’s.
“It’s all my fault.” he inhaled deeply, “And now you’re leaving and you’ll find someone better and-”
“Don’t talk like that,” Phil mumbled as he brushed his thumb over the soft skin on the apples of Dan’s cheeks. He knew there were things they needed to talk about, that this wasn’t over yet, but he didn’t have it in him to yell. He never did. “You’re home now, and safe, and that’s all that matters.”
“I’m sorry-” Dan sobbed, his voice barely a whisper. “Don’t leave me, please… I- I never meant to hurt you.”
“I believe you.”
“Nothing happened, it was just- we were- I called him and-” Phil closed his eyes and leant forward, closing the distance between them and resting his forehead gently against Dan’s.
Every trace of anger and worry had disappeared the moment Dan hit the ground, and all he wanted now was for the two of them to get into bed and sleep this off. He knew that when Dan riled himself up like this, he usually ended up in a panic attack, and that was the last thing either of them needed right now.
“Everything is okay,” Phil mumbled, his breath hot against Dan’s skin. “I’m not going to leave you. Just breathe.”
It took a few minutes of deep breathing and murmurs of encouraging words, but soon enough Dan had calmed himself down and they were able to get up to their feet in silence. Phil held out his hand and Dan took it, squeezing it tightly as Phil guided them through the dark apartment and in to their bedroom.
He tossed his shirt on the floor and climbed out of his trousers, watching as Dan did the same on the other side of the bed, and when he crawled under the duvet he thought that maybe, just maybe, this would be the last time.
Dan joined him after a few seconds and instantly curled himself into Phil; placing his head right underneath Phil’s collarbone and sneaking his arm over Phil’s chest, pulling himself closer. Dan’s legs found their way in between Phil’s and right before he drifted off, comforted by Dan’s warmth, he could’ve sworn that Phil felt his heart break just a little.
When Phil cracked his eyes open the next morning, his head felt heavy. He glanced down into a mess of brown curls next to him and only then did he acknowledge the comforting sound of light snoring.
He shifted his shoulder slightly in a weak attempt to wake Dan up but when it didn’t work, he reluctantly placed his hand on Dan’s jawline. He let his thumb graze over the skin there, felt the trace of a faint stubble that didn’t really want to grow out properly, and after a few seconds his eyelids fluttered open.
“Mornin’,” Phil mumbled as he removed his hand from Dan’s face. “how are you feeling?”
Dan blinked a few times and groaned quietly, scrunching his eyes shut.
“Bad.”
A few moments passed in silence. Phil couldn’t bring himself to break it even though he knew they had to talk; that they had to figure everything out.
“I don’t understand how you’re not mad at me.” Dan said then, breaking the silence. His voice was bleak and hushed and Phil turned his head slightly so that their eyes met. “You deserve someone that doesn’t do this to you every time.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Yes it is,” Dan sighed. “I keep letting you down, over and over again, and you’re still here. I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”
Phil smiled and placed his arm around Dan’s waist, pulling him closer. He knew that he should be mad, that he probably should’ve left a long time ago, but one of the many things that made Phil love the man in his arms was the fact that he never could stay mad at him.
Dan looked up at him then, his brown eyes full of remorse and worry, and Phil decided to leave it. Maybe it was wrong, maybe some would even call it selfish, but he didn’t care what anyone else thought. After all, Dan was worth it.
“How about you stop letting me down then?” he mumbled.
Phil shuffled closer and placed his chin on the top of Dan’s head, closing his eyes as the brown curls tickled his skin. He could feel Dan nestling his face into the nape of his neck and he smiled, fondly.
“It won’t happen again.” Dan whispered, his lips scraped against Phil’s skin as he spoke. “I can’t stand the thought of losing you.”
“You have to try a lot harder than that to get rid of me.”
And oh, stupid things I do
I'm far from good, it's true
But still, I find you
Next to me