Chapter Text
The last few days felt like a dream, like it was too good to be true. Bucky Barnes, alive. Well mostly alive, except for the fact that he had been turned into a killing machine by Hydra. Steve Rogers paced through his small apartment in the Bronx, trying to process the events of the previous week. He was sure that there was still a bit of the Bucky Barnes left, who used to be his best friend 70 years ago. Bucky could have killed him or let him drown, but he didn’t. Steve’s thoughts went back to the last moments by the river, reliving everything again in his mind. He knew he had to find Bucky before something happened to him or worse somebody else found him first, he just had to. He couldn’t bear losing his best friend again, not after what Hydra had done to him. Steve was convinced that it was his duty to save Bucky, to make up for the fact that he wasn’t able to save Bucky all those years ago. But should he tell the team about who the winters soldier truly was? Would they help him find Bucky? Would they help save him? Steve sighed. Deep down he knew the answers to his questions. The other avengers would try to talking him out of saving Bucky, they would say that everything is already lost. But Steve knew in his heart that hope was not lost yet. He let his body fall down on his bed, grabbed a pillow and let out a scream, so loud that his neighbours would have probably called the cops if he hadn’t muffled the scream with the pillow. He found that screaming into a pillow was the best way for him to deal with his feelings, but this time it didn’t help. His head almost felt like it was exploding. He was filled with gratefulness and joy that Bucky was alive, hatred and disgust for Hydra who turned Bucky into whatever he was now, and mainly confusion about certain feelings he didn’t quite know how to place. “Damn it!”, he yelled this time without the pillow. He just hoped that his next-door neighbour, the elderly Mrs Thomas had not heard him because despite her being a very lovely lady, she was incredibly nosey and always knocked on his door to check on him. There it was. The dreaded knock on the door. So, she had heard him after all, Steve thought. He slowly crawled out of bed, walked towards the door and opened it. But outside was not elderly Mrs Thomas, nor one of those pesky missionaries, who couldn’t seem to leave him be, but a man with shoulder length hair, a metal arm and a rough looking face. The shock was written in Steve’s face as he stared at the man unable to say a word. They both stared at each other for what felt like an eternity, when Steve finally managed to say one word:
“Why?”
“Can I come in? Please? I want to explain. Please, I promise I won’t hurt you, Steve.”
Like he was in a trace, Steve gestured inside and he and the winters soldier moved towards the sofa. After sitting and awkwardly staring at each other Bucky took a deep breath and said:
“Look, I am sorry Steve. I am fighting the programming but I can’t control it yet. Now with Hydra gone, my systems are allowing me to fight back more often. I am so so sorry for everything I did to you Steve. You have to believe me.”
The pain in his voice felt like an icy dagger in Steve’s heart. Steve swallowed and asked:
“How on earth did you find me Bucky?”
“Followed you I guess. Ever since I pulled you out of the river I’ve been close to you, working up strength to talk to you.”
“But you left me at the river! You vanished into the forest! I saw you disappear! I’ve been trying to find you!”
“Did it ever occur to you that I didn’t want to be found?”
Steve swallowed again. He felt like crying, because the man sitting next to him was nothing like the Bucky he used to know all those years ago. This man was scared, lonely, serious and unpredictable.
“Buck….”, Steve started, “I don’t know what to say. I want to help you but I don’t know how.”
“I cannot be helped Steve”, Bucky said slowly with a hint of sadness in his voice, “I have done too many unspeakable things and I don’t know how long I can control the urge to kill you. I guess I just came by to tell you this.”, he paused, “And to see you one last time and say goodbye.”
Silence.
“No.”, Steve said with such confidence that it truly surprised him because he felt more like crying on the inside then like stopping his old friend from doing something very stupid.
“No? Steve did you listen to me? Did you forget that almost killed you? Did you forget all the things I did in the past? You took down Hydra! I’m sure you read all their files about me! And still you don’t agree that it would be for the best if I just stopped existing?”
“No, I don’t agree, Barnes!”, Steve almost yelled at this point, “You committing suicide is not fixing your problems! And I swear to god Bucky, I can’t bear to mourn you once again.”
“I don’t want to continue to disappoint and hurt you, Steve. It’s best for both of us if I was just gone.”
“But that’s exactly what you’re doing now Bucky, don’t you see? I care about you more then I care about anyone in this world! And I’m sorry I can’t let you die, because you think you can’t change back into a normal human being, but I’m saying you can, Buck! I just don’t know how yet, but we will think of a solution. Together.”
Steve didn’t realize that during his speech he had grabbed Bucky’s hand and held it tight. For a brief second Bucky looked like he wanted to say something but quickly decided against it.
“But what would you have me do instead, Steve? Hell, I don’t have anyone! With Hydra I at least had a home, if you can call that cell a home. But I was wanted there! But in the real world I am lost!”
“You have me! And you will always be welcome in my apartment. I realize it is not big, but it’s big enough for me and you.”
For just a moment, Steve thought he’d seen Bucky smile. But if it was a smile it was gone again just milliseconds after it surfaced.
“You’re too kind, Steve. But what if I accidently kill you, with….it.”, he pointed to his metal arm.
“You won’t. I know it in my heart. I swear to you Bucky Barnes, we will find a way to fix this.”
Defeated, Bucky agreed to stay with Steve until they found a solution to his deadly little problem.
Despite Steve’s apartment being in fact very tiny and not meant for more then one person, the two old friends somehow made it work. While Steve would stay in the bedroom, Bucky was allowed to turn the living room into his little cave, a literal cave. Bucky had used Steve’s furniture, a few old blankets and various shields he found in Steve’s cellar, to build himself a cave in the living room. The only part of the room Steve was still able to use was the sofa. But Steve didn’t mind much, he was just glad that Bucky was coming to his senses, even though he still seemed concerned about his metal arm and kept saying that he could neither control nor remove it. Steve suggested they should ask Tony Stark to help with his problem, since the inventor could probably come up with a solution. But for some reason, unclear to Steve, Bucky refused to talk to Tony Stark, he even forbade Steve to mention him to Stark. Steve didn’t ask why but he wondered why Bucky refused to meet Howard Stark’s son. A man, he only met briefly during world war II but had always admired him and his work. In his desperation, Steve called the only other person he knew had chance of helping Bucky after three days of sharing his flat with the winters soldier. What caused him to such a desperate measure, was not the fact that he shared his flat with a killing machine but the fact that Bucky couldn’t seem to relax even for five minutes. He rarely left his cave and jumped every time he heard the slightest unusual noise, thinking that someone from Hydra had survived and was going to get him. Steve figured if he could find someone who was able to remove Bucky’s metal arm, Bucky would be able to recover from the trauma Hydra caused him over the last 70 years. And Steve wanted nothing more then for Bucky to find himself again and find happiness in this strange, fast moving, new century. After a few deep breaths he pulled out his phone and searched his contacts for Bruce Banner, took another few deep breaths and hit call. After a few seconds of ringing, which felt like an eternity, Banner picked up his phone and said with a tried sounding voice:
“Banner. Who is this? I swear Tony if you’re prank calling me again I will have the Hulk destroy your precious tower!”
“Banner, this is Captain Rogers. And no this is not a prank call.”
“Oh, it’s you. I wasn’t aware you used cell phones now, Rogers.”
“Only in emergencies and I consider this call an emergency. I need your help Banner.”
“What? MY help? Has Tony turned you down or why are you calling me?”
“Tony can’t know about this. Do you understand? Please Banner, I’m begging you! Can me and my problem come to your lab tomorrow? Please.”
Steve must have sounded more desperate then he thought because what Banner said next surprised him more then he thought.
“Alright, Rogers. What ever your problem is I will try to help you. But Rogers?”
“Yes?”
“You will be there at 9am and you better be on time, I don’t have all day.”
“Yes, sir.”
When Steve told Bucky about his plan, the longer haired man just sat on the sofa, not moving even the tiniest muscle. He just sat and listened. After Steve finished his explanation, Bucky simply nodded and said:
“Ok let’s give it a try.”
But instead of sounding excited or happy, he just sounded like he was ready to accept whatever would happen, like he had already given up.
The next morning, the two super soldiers faced their first challenge before they even set foot outside their front door. How on earth were they going to get to Bruce’s lab in Manhattan? Since neither of them had an up-to-date driving licence or even owned a car, they couldn’t drive there on their own. But since Tony could not know what Steve planed, he couldn’t call the JARVIS car service, Tony had created for the avengers to use in emergencies. In a regular taxi would be a bit, well, difficult to hide Bucky’s metal arm and if Steve got unlucky the driver might be a fan and recognize him and ask too many questions. And the subway might be a bit dangerous when you’re traveling with a literal killing machine and most likely the security wouldn’t let them through anyway. While Steve tried to think of a possible solution by preparing breakfast, someone knocked at their door. Steve had almost dropped his bowl of cereal and Bucky almost fell off the sofa, because none of the men had expected someone to stop by this early in the morning. Slowly Steve moved towards the door and opened it carefully. A dark skinned, elderly woman wearing a red flowery dress and rocking short purple hair stood in the hallway. His neighbour, Mrs Thomas, seemed to be a bit in a hurry, Steve judged by her constant staring at her watch and fidgety body language.
“Finally! Steven my boy, I need your help!”, she said in her shrieking voice, “Some dumbass kid, sliced my tire and I really need to get going or I will be late for bingo breakfast! Can you and your pretty boyfriend over there maybe help an old lady change her tire?”
Perplex, Steve and Bucky exchanged some looks.
“Of course, Mrs Thomas.”, Steve replied, “But this is not my boyfriend, mam. He’s just an old pal of mine.”
“That’s exactly what my first husband used to say before he left me for Frederick! Ah Steven, you remind me so much of Gabriel.”, Steve could feel the nostalgia in her voice, “Now come along boys, I don’t have all day!”
She scurried through the hallway, dragging Steve behind her. Bucky stood up slowly and slouched quite a few steps behind them, but sped up considerably when Mrs Thomas turned around and cried out:
“Now hurry up boy! And straighten your back! You have a horrible posture, like my second husband Michael. And you don’t want to end up like Michael, now do you?”
Steve didn’t dare to ask what happened to Michael, but it worked because Bucky straightened up and started jogging to catch up with Mrs Thomas. Mrs Thomas didn’t seem to notice Bucky’s metal arm, or maybe if she had noticed she didn’t look to bothered by it. Steve figured since she had caught him in stranger situations almost weekly when he first moved in, she was used to strangeness by now.
The tire was changed in no more then 5min, because that’s just what happens when you ask two super soldiers to help you. Steve casually asked when they finished:
“Say, Mrs Thomas, where exactly is this bingo breakfast you’re going to?”
“Well it’s in a nice little coffee shop. I think it’s called Gregory’s, you know like my third husband? It’s on 6th avenue, near 33rd street station. Why you ask, Steven my boy?”
This was the best news Steve had heard all day. As fate wanted things to happen, Bruce Banner’s lab was located opposite the Manhattan Mall which happened to be next to 33rd street station. He put on his most charming smile and asked:
“Mrs Thomas? Would you be so kind and give me and my friend a ride? We have some business near Manhattan Mall and since you’re driving there anyway it wouldn’t be too much trouble, would it?”
“Not at all my dears! Come, hop in, but no eating in my car, do you hear me boys?”
“Yes, mam.”, they replied in unison.
A 40min car ride later and Mrs Thomas honking and cursing at every car in their way, Steve swore that he would never ever in his life ask Mrs Thomas to drive him from the Bronx into the heart of Manhattan. When they finally pulled up at Manhattan Mall, they quickly thanked the elderly woman for the ride and jumped out of the car.
“I thought I was going to die in this car”, Bucky managed to say before he proceeded to throw up in the nearest trashcan.
“Remind me, to never ask Mrs Thomas to drive me anywhere ever again”, replied Steve, holding on to a lamppost to maintain his balance, “Hell, we fought in WWII can you imagine the headlines if we died in an old lady’s car?”
Again, for a split-second Steve could have sworn that he saw Bucky smile and that he heard him chuckle. So, all hope wasn’t lost just yet, he thought to himself. After they recovered from the traumatic car ride, the two entered Bruce Banner’s lab, not knowing what to expect on the inside. And unaware of what the next few hours would have in store for them.