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“Is it done?” one cloaked figure asked the other in a hushed tone that was almost swallowed by the loud howls of the evening wind.
“Yes master,” came the court and equally quiet reply.
A nod. A grin. Sharp teeth and a murderous glare.
“Then as of tomorrow, we should be able to watch Camelot crumble from within.”
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When Merlin got up on that particular morning, he felt somewhat different. He couldn't really pinpoint how or why, only that something felt strange.
Gaius grew more and more irritated with him when he didn't respond to his own name (although that did happen more often than not) and he was somewhat clumsier it seemed. The night before, he had received a mysterious gift that was now lying next to him on the dining table. It was a beautiful gold necklace with red and green rubies delicately forged and Merlin eyed it nervously. Where had it come from? Who had given it to him? He had checked it for spells and curses but had come up short. Either it wasn't magic at all or the spell was untraceable – which worried Merlin and earned him a raised eyebrow from Gaius.
“Stop fretting, boy, and get on with your day, will you?” he'd chided him and sent him off. When Merlin opened his mouth to argue, Gaius remarked that maybe the necklace had simply been a courting gift from a mysterious suitor and after that, Merlin had never been out of that door so quickly in his life. It was one thing to discuss magic abuse with Gaius, it was a completely different matter to discuss his love life with him. Or the tragic lack of it more like.
He burst into Arthur's chambers a little more forcefully than he normally would, still feeling slightly embarrassed by the implications that the older man thought there was someone out there wooing Merlin like a maiden. That would simply not do.
“Good morning, sire!” Merlin chirped loudly, pulling open the offending blinds and letting the sun stream in before turning around and admiring Arthur's sleeping form for just a second.
“Up and at 'em,” he continued and was going to follow it up with another chipper saying until he heard it:
“I detest the very sight of you,” Arthur mumbled into his pillow.
Merlin's blood turned cold.
It wasn't the first time Arthur had said something mean to him, of course it wasn't. Insulting each other was what they did. Especially in the morning, when Arthur was annoyed with Merlin for waking him up. The difference was that he always sounded warm while saying it, fond even. He had sounded stone cold just then. Merlin could practically feel the hate radiating off Arthur and that made him stop dead in his tracks.
“S-sorry?” he stammered, mouth hanging open, unable to process the fear that instantly spread through his body.
Arthur heaved himself up in his bed and looked at him. Merlin's eyes grew wide as he looked into the face he knew so well, the face he loved so much, only to be met with a look of pure and utter disgust at the sight of him.
“You are a nuisance and a disgrace. I hate you, do you understand, Merlin?”
“Y-yes, sire.”
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Arthur looked at his Manservant quizzically. What had gotten into him?
“I will never understand how you are this chipper in the mornings, Merlin.”
Arthur yawned and scratched his back lazily when he saw Merlin flinch.
“Merlin?” he asked softly, watching Merlin edge away from him.
“Please don't hit me, sire, I will leave you at once,” the boy whispered, fear evident in his voice.
“Hit you?”
Arthur arched his eyebrow and would laugh at the situation if Merlin didn't look so completely and utterly terrified. And of him. No, Arthur thought, something wasn't right.
“Are you feeling alright, Merlin?”
Merlin didn't even respond to the question and instead started picking up dirty laundry from the floor and fled the room without once looking at Arthur directly.
The king shook his head.
“I'll dress myself then, shall I?” he mumbled into the now empty room and went about his day. It wasn't the first time for Merlin to act strange, far from it. So Arthur just figured the best plan of action was to let it blow over. He couldn't wait to have his Merlin back. He missed his smile already.
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Merlin couldn't help but shake the whole day. He couldn't figure out what was happening to him. Had he fallen into an alternative universe? There was a sense of cold that always seemed to be there, right at the back of his neck. The pure, deep and clear hatred that seemed to radiate off Arthur whenever he got close and the things he said to Merlin. Gods, the things he said... Merlin shook his head, not able to even think about it lest he would start to tremble again.
He tried to keep out of Arthur's way as much as possible but it wasn't easy seeing as he was his bloody manservant. He had to be there, had to serve him. Merlin tried to think about this situation rationally. Had Arthur always hated him? He tried to think of any instances past that morning.
Did Arthur hate me yesterday?
The day before?
He couldn't remember.
Merlin felt like there was this hazy cloud inside of his head and the only thing it kept telling him was:
It doesn't matter. You don't need to know. He hates you now. He can't stand the sight of you now. Now.
Merlin shook his head. He had no idea how to fix this. Was there even a possibility to fix it?
He glanced at Arthur from under his lashes while preparing the fire. Arthur was having his dinner, watching him – seemingly furious.
“What is wrong with you today?” Arthur asked.
“Don't look at me, peasant,” is what Merlin heard.
He snapped his eyes back to the fire and said nothing. Tears prickling behind his eyes, his heart swelling with hurt. Didn't Arthur know? Didn't Arthur know how much his words hurt? Merlin had accepted his fate of being in love with his king some time ago. He accepted that nothing could ever come of it. But he had never, even in his cruelest nightmares believed that he could be heartbroken in this horrible fashion.
Without another word, he stood and turned to leave the room when he felt strong fingers closing around his wrist.
Panic flared inside him as he stared at the spots where Arthur's skin touched his. He swallowed audibly, trying to look his king in the eyes and when he finally did... nothing.
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Arthur tightened his hold around Merlin's wrist and called his name again. His manservant had started shaking like a leaf in the wind and did not at all respond to his voice.
“Merlin, talk to me, what's wrong?” he pleaded, growing more and more concerned by the second. Merlin had been behaving strangely the whole day and it had taken Arthur a while but he was quite certain by now that something was seriously wrong.
“Merlin?” he tried again but in response, Merlin just squeezed his eyes shut, drowning Arthur completely out, trying to twist out of his hold.
“Please let go of me,” he whispered.
Even Merlin's voice was shaking and Arthur has never been this terrified in his entire life.
No matter how grave the situation, Merlin would never lose his smile. He would never forget to find kind words for Arthur, never tried to get away from him. Shocked, Arthur let go and Merlin immediately turned around and fled.
Arthur stood still for a long time, watching the spot his servant had occupied only seconds ago. He would have to get help, he mused. He would have to find Gaius. He'd know what to do. He sighed and scratched the back of his head before contemplating if it was too late to disturb the court physician. He shrugged and made his way to their chambers anyway. It was Merlin's well being on the line after all.
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Merlin couldn't stop the tears from running down his face on his way to his chambers.
“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” he told himself while wiping at his eyes violently.
“Stop it,” he said sternly but he wouldn't listen to himself.
He felt raw. Prior to today, he hadn't even known that he was able to feel such violent emotions as he was feeling right now and he wished that he'd never had to find out.
“Stupid prat,” he mumbled while slowly opening the door to Gaius' work space. He wiped at his eyes one more time before checking for any signs of the older man. He sighed in relief when he saw that he was alone and quickly slipped into his own room. No need to explain his red-rimmed, puffy eyes. Not that he knew how to explain them.
How did he explain them?
'Hey Gaius, so this morning it finally hit me how much Arthur actually hates me and it broke my heart?' The mere thought of having a conversation like that made Merlin's stomach turn. No explaining then. He quickly changed into his night clothes, deeming it an appropriate time to sleep seeing as he felt exhausted. He let himself fall into bed and only then noticed how strained he really felt. His bones ached as if he'd been on a month long hunting trip and his mind reeled like he'd been taking one of Gaius medical quizzes. As if there was something on the back of his mind working and working and working, completely draining him. He sighed once before drifting off into a very uneasy sleep.
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Arthur waited in front of the physician's quarters for Gaius to return from his nightly errands until he finally showed up and Arthur silently asked him to follow. Naturally, the first response was an arched eyebrow but the man followed Arthur into an unused guest room nevertheless.
“Can I help you with anything, sire?” he asked, eyebrow still arched.
Arthur made sure that noone had seen them disappear into the room before closing the door and turning to face Gaius.
“Have you noticed something strange about Merlin?”
“Sire?”
Arthur shrugged.
“Well, more strange than usual.”
“I am not sure that I have,” Gaius said after a moment of consideration.
Arthur sat down on the unmade bed in the middle of the room and looked up at Gaius.
“It's just... he's been acting weird all day and it hasn't been his usual weird either, Gaius, I'm afraid he's been...” he bit his lip nervously, not really wanting to voice his thoughts out loud in case he was wrong but deeming it too important not to entertain the possibility, “enchanted”.
Now Gaius raised both of his eyebrows.
“Oh?”
Arthur stood up abruptly and started pacing around the room.
“This morning, he woke me and looked at me like he was... he was terrified, begging me not to hit him. And then he kept out of my way, wincing when I brushed his shoulder with my hand this afternoon,” he explained.
“When I asked him what was wrong he completely ignored me. He later asked me why I hated him so much and when I demanded to know what had gotten into him this evening, he looked like he might actually burst out in tears.”
Arthur looked at the other man expectantly and it was Gaius' turn to sit down, deep in thought.
“That does sound quite unlike him,” he finally said.
“Gaius, please,” Arthur mumbled.
“Can you think of anything that has brought this behaviour on?”
Slowly, Gaius' face changed.
“The necklace,” he muttered under his breath.
“Merlin got a necklace. We don't know from whom or where it came from but it was there in a small parcel this morning.”
Arthur's eyes widened.
“And you didn't think to check it for curses first?”
“Well, we...”
Gaius stopped dead in his tracks and looked at Arthur, face blank.
“Only a sorcerer can check magical objects for...”
Arthur rolled his eyes.
“I knew you two thought I was stupid but I had now idea you thought I was this stupid. So, why hasn't Merlin checked it?”
Arthur was met with a stony silence. He probably shouldn't have revealed that he knew. He promised himself that he wouldn't. There was a reason he hadn't done so before. One, because he knew that in not telling anyone what he knew, he would be keeping Merlin safe. And two, he wanted Merlin to tell him on his own terms one day.
So why did he tell Gaius now?
He buried his head in his hands.
“Gaius, don't look at me like that, despite of what you think of me right now, I am worried about him and I would never forgive myself if any harm was to come to him because of something I didn't do to help him.”
The silence stretched out between them before Gaius finally nodded.
“Sire, Merlin did check the necklace, actually. For any kind of curse known to him. That means it was – is – an enchantment unknown to him or me which means it is not part of the old religion. There is only one way to figure out where it could have come from.”
Arthur groaned.
“A night at the library?”
Gaius nodded in the affirmative.
“A night at the library.”
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Arthur felt Gaius looking at him quizzically throughout the night and he knew what he wanted to ask. Actually, he knew a lot of things Gaius wanted to ask.
Why did he never say anything?
How long had Arthur known about Merlin's magic?
If he had known long enough, how come Merlin was still alive?
Why was Arthur currently spending his night in a moulding reading chamber in the library trying to find a cure for his bumbling excuse for a servant?
Arthur grit his teeth.
He had a reason.
A reason that he had guarded until now and that he will guard for the rest of his life. A reason he had never even let himself explore more deeply than absolutely necessary. The essence of the idea was the Arthur simply cared too much about his bumbling excuse of a servant. Loved him.
He shook his head. There it was. The word he promised he would never use again, not even in his own head. Especially not in his own head. It was too dangerous to even think it, lest the word became too strong.
He sighed loudly.
“What?” he finally snapped.
The arched eyebrow. Again.
Arthur rubbed his temple.
“What exactly do you do when Merlin reacts to you in a certain way?” Gaius asks, his fingers quickly running over lines on an open page.
Arthur shrugs.
“I usually say something... or... do something and he just... reacts...”
“Humour me, sire, give me an instance...”
“Er,” Arthur tried to think about one of the instances that had occurred over the day.
“Well, I woke up this morning and scratched my back because... well it... well it itched,” he explained, unsure of himself, “and he followed my hand with his eyes and his face just turned... anxious... terrified... and he squealed 'please don't hit me'”.
Gaius nodded and turned back to his book.
“Actually I think I might have found something,” he mumbled, turning the book to Arthur and showing the page to him.
“This book is from an ancient Greek magic tribe,” he explained.
“It is thought to be extinct. The magic is based on mind manipulation so it is rather singular in nature, which could be one of the reasons why Merlin's magic could not detect it.”
Arthur frowned.
“So were they... seers?”
Gaius shook his head.
“They controlled the minds of their enemies. They could alter the perception of other beings and mould their minds. There is only one way to break the spell, if – and this is a big if – this is what we are dealing with.”
The older man looked at Arthur sternly. Arthur gulped. He nodded. He was ready to do whatever it took to bring Merlin back and to find those who were responsible.
He didn't know which of the two he found more important just now.
“Do we know who delivered the necklace to Merlin?” he asked.
Gaius shook his head.
“No, but I will personally see to it that we will find out sire. It will be on you to break this spell and I need your concentration on this task – and this one task alone.”
Arthur nodded again.
“Alright, what do you need me to do?”
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When Merlin woke up, he felt by no means any better than the night before. He felt just as drained, just as sad, just as all around miserable. He made himself get up all the same, made himself breakfast, glad that Gaius didn't seem to be around this morning either before a sense of absolute dread filled him. He would have to go to Arthur. He would have to see him, to feel his gaze on him, see the hatred in his eyes, the disgust and feel disgusted with himself in turn. He shivered at the thought but got dressed anyway. Even if he wanted to he could never leave Arthur. Could never just go. The only reason for him to ever leave this place was when Arthur banished him and not a day before that. He loved his king too much. Loved Arthur too much.
Which is why he made his way up to the kingly quarters slowly but surly as he did every morning.
Unlike every morning, he knocked softly. Once. Then a bit louder. He waited a second before opening the door and stepping in.
He held the breakfast tray in his hands and placed it on the table before turning to wake Arthur up, only to find him already up and fully dressed and... glaring at him.
“A-arthur,” Merlin whispered.
“Good morning,” he tried to sound normal, even tried to smile but he knew he failed miserably and instantly, an evil sneer formed on Arthur's face.
Merlin was unnerved by the king's silence so he busied himself with making Arthur's bed when he felt Arthur's hand on his shoulder.
It was a soft touch but to him it felt like he was being burned.
He turned around quickly and found Arthur glaring at him.
Arthur wordlessly held up a parchment that said:
I am going to kill you
Merlin's eyes grew impossibly wide and he started to shake with terror.
“Sire, you don't have to kill me, I swear I will do better, I can do better, I won't... I can... I'll do anything you ask...”
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Arthur shook his head and sighed.
This was not how it was supposed to go. He looked at the parchment in his hands, looked at the words he'd written.
Please let me help you
So apparently, communicating in writing was out of the question.
“I'm not going to kill you,” he murmured and paused. Maybe, if he did actually say the things Merlin thought he said, maybe he would hear something different?
Arthur stood up straight and held onto Merlin's shoulders, which made the boy stand absolutely still.
“Merlin, I hate you. I hate you so much. I will kill you.”
Tears formed in Merlin's eyes and they were running down his rosy cheeks in now time. Arthur sighed again.
No such luck then.
“Please Arthur, no. I can't bear to hurt you. I...” he hiccuped. “I can't stand to be apart from you.”
Arthur looked up in astonishment. Just what exactly had Merlin heard him say just now? The sight of his manservant broke Arthur's heart. The witty boy with the sharp tongue who always talked back to Arthur was nowhere to be found. Arthur didn't like this new version of him at all.
He had no idea who this was, only that this wasn't Merlin.
He grew more and more angry with whoever did this to Merlin and was simultaneously at a loss at what to do. Make him understand, Gaius had said. Only that would break the spell. But how?
Without even thinking about it, he grabbed Merlin's wrist again, loosely this time. He turned it around in his hands and let his thumb stroke slowly over Merlin's wrist, caressing the sensitive area just below his palm. Merlin had immediately stopped babbling and stood completely still. Breath uneven and ragged, hand still trembling.
“A-arthur?”
Arthur didn't say anything and continued to caress Merlin's hand. He used his second hand to stroke each of Merlin's fingers as gently as possible and hoped that Merlin would feel the love he put in every touch. That he would feel the wonder he felt at being able to touch Merlin like this. I love you, he wanted to whisper but no sound would come out out of fear what Merlin would understand. He took a step forward and could hear Merlin's breath hitching as he did so. He laced their fingers together, slowly stroking circles with his thumb onto Merlin's skin while sneaking his other arm around Merlin's waist, bringing them closer together. I don't want to hurt you, he wanted to say, I would never hurt you, he needed him to know. But no sound escaped his lips. Snug against Merlin's lower back, Arthur's hand began to stroke him there, in comforting, soft movements that were supposed to feel safe, to feel reassuring. Surely Merlin couldn't perceive them as threatening? At least he didn't run away which Arthur counted as a victory. Merlin still looked at him with a wary expression that Arthur couldn't quite place and he didn't dare make any sudden movements.
He felt like he was handling a wild animal that was about to flee. He leaned forward, bringing their bodies flush together, trying to tell Merlin that he wasn't a threat. That he would never be a threat to him. That he was safe. He left his lips briefly brush Merlin's cheek and he could feel Merlin shake underneath him before looking at him. Merlin had his eyes closed. A faint blush coloured his cheeks and his breathing was rather shallow. Slowly, deliberately, Arthur pressed his lips to Merlin's cheek and he could hear Merlin gasp softly.
“A-arthur,” he managed but didn't move away. Not that he could, Arthur mused, Merlin felt as stiff as a statue, completely frozen in place. Out of shock or fear he couldn't say. He kissed him again, on his chin this time and was sure that the noise Merlin made this time was one of pleasure. He finally took a leap of faith and with one last look at Merlin's unguarded face and closed eyes, he pressed his lips on Merlin's. Just lips pressing softly on lips. He was about to move back, when he felt the pressure being returned. The tension he had felt in his shoulders slowly drained out of them, when he felt Merlin's hand at the back of his neck, bringing them even closer together and only broke the kiss, when he felt Merlin's tongue swiping over his bottom lip. As much as he would love to indulge in this fantasy he'd had for years, he could never forgive himself if he would make Merlin do this while under a spell.
He opened his eyes to a look of confusion and what he thought might be a little bit of hurt. Arthur didn't think he would be ever happy to see that look on Merlin's face and yet here he was, the happiest man alive.
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Merlin had absolutely no idea what was happening. One moment, he was absolutely certain that Arthur was going to murder him in his sleep, the next he was kissing him. Not that Merlin was complaining, he preferred the latter very much to the former. Very, very much in fact. But still. How did they end up here?
The only objection he had was when Arthur moved back when things got... interesting... and simply looked at him. Looked at him and... smiled.
“Well?” Merlin demanded to know.
“First you snog me and then you just stand there like a clotpole?”
“I love you.”
Merlin was a bit taken aback.
He had anticipated an “you idiot, Merlin” or a “clean my armour, Merlin” or even a “get into bed, now” seeing where his mouth had just been. He had absolutely not in a billion years thought he would ever hear Arthur Pendragon say I love you to anyone, least of all to him.
So he just stared at him.
And stared.
“Merlin, what did I just say?”
“Uhm...”
“Just repeat what I said.”
“You said, that, uhm...”
Suddenly, Merlin was hit over the head with a pillow.
“Ow!” he exclaimed, jumping back and holding his head in mock-pain.
Arthur looked like he always did, maybe Merlin had misheard him.
“Just repeat what I said. Even someone as stupid as you should be able to perform basic repetition.”
“Did you just say you love me?”
A slow smile appeared on Arthur's features as he walked over to the table, casually sat down and popped one of the grapes from the breakfast tray into his mouth.
“Good, you haven't gone deaf yet.”
Merlin felt like resembling a fish just then, he couldn't decide whether to keep his mouth open or closed. Whether to ask or to be shocked into silence.
He let Arthur eat for a couple of minutes before he cleared his throat.
“Well, did you mean it?”
Arthur looked up at him, raising an eyebrow.
“Did I mean what?”
“Do you love me?”
Arthur looked at him then. Open and intense and all Merlin wanted to do was hide. Yet, he needed to know the answer so he stared back.
“Very, very much,” Arthur finally said before diverting his gaze back onto the remaining food in front of him.
Merlin could detect a hint of insecurity in the statement which made his heart skip even more. A brilliant smile broke out on his features.
“Arthur,” he said, standing right next to his king.
“Arthur,” he repeated when there was nothing more than a grunt as an answer.
“What?”
Merlin places his hands under Arthur's chin and made him look up at him, still smiling happily.
“I love you, too. Very very much,” he said before kissing him softly.
This time, Arthur didn't move away when Merlin deepened the kiss.
This time, Merlin didn't think Arthur was going to kill him when the kiss started.
This time, it was absolutely, utterly perfect.
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Epilogue:
Gaius didn't ask how Arthur had broken the spell and Arthur was quite happy about that. He didn't think he could withstand the eyebrow of doom in this particular instance.
However he was happy to learn that Gaius did find the men responsible for Merlin's enchantment and that they had been dealt with (he was not so happy that Gaius wouldn't tell him the identity of those men out of fear that he would do something he would regret. He wouldn't. Regret it that is.)
The only thing Arthur truly regretted was not talking to Merlin about his magic. After finding out that Arthur had known for a while, they had quite a row and Arthur was not very happy about fighting with Merlin now that he was finally with him.
All things considered? Arthur didn't think he had ever been happier -
Ouch! Arthur thought, when a pillow landed right on his face. A sleepy voice followed:
“Wake up dollophead. You've got training with the knights.”
Followed by another pillow on his head.
“NOW”
- although, he might have to overthink that statement.