Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Pidgeot created a chat with Hunkules and LancethePike

Pidgeot named the chat eur-in for a treat

Pidgeot: I know its 4 AM but I have news

LancethePike: why are you awake

Pidgeot: I could ask you the same thing

LancethePike: so what’s the news?

Pidgeot: So you know how my brother’s girlfriend is loaded?

Pidgeot: well she’s taking Matt and their boyfriend to Europe for a few months. Matt asked if he could bring me and you guys so,,,,,,

Pidgeot: Do you wanna go to Europe with me, my brother, Shiro, Allura, and Shiro’s brother?

LancethePike: w h a t

LancethePike: I didn't know Allura was that rich

LancethePike: this is,,,,, important information to file away for later

Pidgeot: don't get any ideas, lover boy. Her boyfriends can smash you.

LancethePike: Don’t threaten me with a good time

Pidgeot: can you possibly not say that ever again

LancethePike: ALL RIGHT ALL RIGHT IT'S A HELL OF A FEELING THO

Pidgeot: ALL RIGHT ALL RI- no wait

Pidgeot: can you just ask your parents please

LancethePike: I dunno if you noticed but it is 4:20 in the fucking morning

Pidgeot: NO

LancethePike: ………

Pidgeot: pls dont do this

LancethePike: BLAZE IT *dabs*

Pidgeot: You think you’re so cool because you smoked weed ONCE

Pidgeot: YO waddup my name’s Lance and I’m such a cool kid. I’m so rebellious, I even told my mom “whatever” once. I’m basically a delinquent but life be like that sometimes.

LancethePike: Two words. Strict Mother.

Pidgeot: mhm

LancethePike: I’ll ask tomorrow,,, night nerd

Pidgeot: gn “cool kid”

Hunkules > eur-in for a treat

Hunkules: EUROPE???

Hunkules: Where are we going? Like countries? Cities? I need to KNOW

LancethePike: ^^^

Pidgeot: uhhhhhh let me ask Allura

Pidgeot > Allure

Pidgeot: yo yo yo

Allure: Oh hey Pidge!

Pidgeot: Where all are we going to during the trip?

Allure: Uhhh I’ll send you the map.

[Photo from Allure]

Pidgeot: okay thanksssss

Allure: no problem!

Pidgeot > eur-in for a treat

Pidgeot: Paris > June 22-27,  Nendaz, Switzerland > June 27-30, Rome > July 1-29, Munich, Germany and Bratislava, Slovakia > July 29-August 10 or 15, Prague, Czechia > August 10-September 10, somewhere near London > September 14-October 14ish

Hunkules: oh wow, four whole months?

LancethePike: This is gonna take a lot of convincing.

Pidgeot: Dude, you’re gonna graduate next year? Your mom should let you have more freedom.

LancethePike: This is going to a whole other continent for four months. How am I gonna have money for that?

Pidgeot: oh yeah I forgot to tell you. Allura is covering the whole thing. Just bring some spending money and we’re good.

Hunkules: You’re meaning to tell me that Allura (a saint of a woman) is willing to pay for 7 people to go tour Europe?

LancethePike: are you sure this woman isn’t a godess?

Hunkules: maybe a queen?

LancethePike: Allura, goddess of weath

LancethePike: I mean it makes sense

Pidgeot: I mean that might be why Matt calls her a princess

LancethePike: either that or they’re into roleplay

Pidgeot: get.out.

Hunkules: a great movie, really.

LancethePike: :P

Pidgeot: 凸(`д´)凸

LancethePike: (⌐■_■)

Hunkules: my moms said its okay but only as long as they meet Allura, Shiro, and Matt

Pidgeot: they know Matt. Matt almost always drops me off at your house.

Hunkules: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

LancethePike: I’m getting through to my mom, but only a little bit. I’m gonna need backup.

Hunkules: be there in 10.

LancethePike: this is why I love you <3

Hunkules: wait what are you saying

LancethePike: no homo

Hunkules: (☞^o^) ☞

LancethePike: (☞^o^) ☞

Pidgeot: do you want me there to back you up? Matt can come too.

LancethePike: yes pls

LancethePike: wait a sec… when do we actually leave?

Pidgeot: …….

LancethePike: Pidge?

Pidgeot: COUGHintwodaysCOUGH

LancethePike: PIDGE

LancethePike: WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK US SOONER

Pidgeot: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

LancethePike: Insta-stress

LancethePike: Hunk I heard you pull up, you know the drill, just come on in.

Hunkules: you act as though we haven't been friends for 11 years

LancethePike: 凸(`д´)凸

Pidgeot: be there in 5

LancethePike: cool, we’re gonna go ahead and start convincing my mom

Pidgeot: I’m coming in.

Pidgeot >  Allure

Pidgeot: Do you want me to add you guys to our group chat?

Allura: I'm really excited to meet them more formally and go on this trip omg. Sure, go ahead and add us!

Pidgeot: (*^▽^*)b

Pidgeot added Allure, kogayne, takashit, and Mathematics to eur-in for a treat

Allure: Hello! I’m glad to hear that you all can make it!

Hunkules: Hi, actually,,,,

Hunkules: My moms say it's only okay if they meet you guys.

takashit: what if we have a big group dinner? We can go somewhere and sit down and just,,,, conversate.

Mathematics: Shiro who are you, a professor? Conversate? No one talks like that.

takashit: sorry for trying to make a good first impression

Mathematics: Look at your username, then look at what you just said

takashit: wow okay

kogayne: ha I wasn’t planning on responding but we’re roasting shiro so I had to

takashit: I came here to have a good time but honestly I'm feeling so attacked right now

LancethePike: Matttttttttt

Mathematics: You called?

LancethePike: aren’t you going to formally introduce your partners and also the other dude?

Mathematics: sigh

Mathematics: Allure is Allura, my girlfriend. takashit is Shiro, my boyfriend. kogayne is Keith, Shiro’s brother.

Mathematics: Happy?

takashit: Mattttttt?

Mathematics: w h a t

takashit: aren’t you going to formally introduce your sister and her friends?

Mathematics: you KNOW ThEm

kogayne: *cough*

takashit: Keith doesn’t know them.

Mathematics: Lance, you do it.

LancethePike: ON IT

LancethePike: hi, my name is Lance. I am the best friend of Pidge Holt (Pidgeot, your brother’s boyfriend’s sister) and Hunk Garrett (Hunkules).

Mathematics: thanks Lance

Hunkules: nice to meet ya

Pidgeot: bitch you’ve known me since basically the birth of the universe you'd better know who tf i am

kogayne: fuk u gremlin

takashit: so how about that group dinner?

Pidgeot: I’m free, so is Matt

LancethePike: I’ll be there,,, wait where are we going?

Hunkules: Yep!

Allure: of course I’ll be free

takashit: and Keith and I will be there as well

Allure: Olive Garden?

Pidgeot: My italian crops are THRIVING

Mathematics: my italian skin is CLEAR

Pidgeot: my italian schedule is FREE

Mathematics: my italian stomach wants SAUCE

LancethePike: my cuban self is POOR

LancethePike: my poor ass has no MONEY

Pidgeot: do you always have to shit on my dreams

LancethePike: pretty sure it was in the job description

Hunkules: I’m just poor sorry Pidge

Mathematics: ALLURA THEY’RE SHITTING ON HAPPINESS

LancethePike: sorry I dont have a ROCKET SCIENTIST for a father

LancethePike: actually i dont have a dad but

Hunkules: SDGSHDFSDHF LANCE

kogayne: Ha me neither

takashit: K E I T H

Allure: Oh I don’t either

Mathematics: Pidge, you and I are the only ones here with a dad

Pidgeot: ha fuckin losers

Mathematics: PIDGE YOU CANT SAY THAT

Pidgeot: guess what bitch I just did

takashit: so where can you guys afford?

LancethePike: McAlister's?

Hunkules: (*^▽^*)b

Allure: I’m good with that

takashit: Keith and I are fine

Mathematics: Holts are down.

Allure: see you there!

takashit > eur-in for a treat

takashit: It was so nice meeting you all formally

Pidgeot: nothing about that was formal.. ahem LANCE

LancethePike: I'm SORRY i can't control my insane family

Mathematics: Why is it that every time i talk to any member of your family more just... appear

LancethePike: that's kinda racist bro

Hunkules: yeah, just a bit, though statistically Hispanic families have the highest birth rates

LancethePike: get your Spanish 2 bs outta here

kogayne: so. many. kids.

LancethePike: there weren't /that/ many. Only Javier and Cloé.

Pidgeot: Emiliano and Josefa were there too

LancethePike: oh yeah, we were watching them while Veronica had some alone time

kogayne: how many kids does your mom fucking have???

LancethePike: six, and two grandkids

takashit: i can't imagine how she keeps up... I can hardly deal with Keith's emo shit

kogayne: damn exposed much?

Mathematics: imagine being my mom... living in a house with a rocket scientist, a child hacker, and an engineering and computer sciences double major grad.

Hunkules: Colleen... god bless that woman. She has to deal with so much nerd stuff

LancethePike: says you mr. "i wanna be a space engineer person"

Hunkules: its not my fault i've got interests

Allure: I've come into the chat late, but I wanna say that it was really great meeting all of you and I'm looking forward to going on this trip with all of you! I'm sure we'll all have a lot of fun!

Mathematics: its always fun with you around, princess

Pidgeot: I thought this gc was supposed to be a place where I could be free of this mushy hell

Mathematics: jokes on you bitch

Pidgeot: s i g h

kogayne: you're so dramatic

Pidgeot: clearly you haven't met Lance

LancethePike: hey wait

Hunkules: can confirm, Lance is the most dramatic person I know

takashit: this will be interesting

Hunkules: how come

Allure: Keith and Shiro seem to bring the most interesting of situations with them

Pidgeot: it will no doubt be a fun trip

Allure: this is true.

takashit: i'm gonna be /that/ person and head to bed early.

Mathematics: gn kashi

Hunkules: it was nice meeting you, Shiro!

LancethePike: ^^^

Pidgeot: bye old man

Chapter Text

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: Pidge for the love of all things good and holy why did you not ask us before yesterday?

LancethePike: my anxious ass can’t handle this

LancethePike: and I’m not sure how I’m gonna fit everything in a carry on sized bag. I usually have at least a week to mentally prepare myself and a month to choose my limited amount of clothes. But nooo, because now I just have a DAY

LancethePike:  You’re lucky Hunk and I have good passports because we visit our native countries during Christmas.

Pidgeot: do you ever stop COMPLAINING

LancethePike: I have every right to be pissed at you for not telling us sooner

Hunkules: are you okay, buddy? You’re a little,,, uh,,, problematic

LancethePike: Yeah, I’m fine, just a bit stressed. Mom says I’m not leaving the house until my room is clean and I clean the bathroom, not to mention I have to go change my phone plan so that I can have service while we’re away.

Hunkules: I’d offer to come help, but I’m in the same boat

Pidgeot: Yeah sorry guys, I don’t know why I procrastinated that much

Mathematics: I was lurking and,,,,

Mathematics: Pidge??? You’ve known about this for two months??? And you just thought to ask your friends two days before???

Pidgeot: Hey I said I was sorry

Mathematics: smh

LancethePike: anyway, I’m gonna get back to work.

Pidgeot: Do you want ME to come help you? I’m all done.

LancethePike: Please? I’ll tell my mom you’re coming.

Pidgeot: Matt, get in the car.

Mathematics: Why am I the chauffer for you always?

Pidgeot: Okay in like 9 months you won’t have to be

Mathematics: smh why can’t you be 16 already

Pidgeot: shut up and drive Matt

kogayne: Shiro are we ever like that

takashit: probably?? Idk

Pidgeot: Shiro you’ve been at our house for one of our screaming matches, right?

takashit: The last one I was there for is when you were fighting over whether Fortnite was fun or not

Pidgeot: Well I was fuckin right,,, it’s NOT

Mathematics: who are you to say its fun or not

takashit: not again

Pidgeot: I mean you just run around and kill things. Games are better with a STORYLINE

Mathematics: how about you eat my ass

Pidgeot: that’s what Shiro and Allura are for smartass

LancethePike: Hey

LancethePike: Uh

LancethePike: Can you please come help me I’m dying

Mathematics: This isn’t over, gremlin.

Pidgeot: 凸(`д´)凸

kogayne: hey shiro can you run by the store on your way home? We need travel shampoo and vacuum sealed bags.

takashit: sure. I’m on my way now.

kogayne: cool see you soon

Allure: Hey Matt?

Mathematics: Yes, Princess?

Allure: Remind me to never trust your sister to convey information ever again

Mathematics: noted.

Mathematics > eur-in for a treat

[Photo from Mathematics]

Mathematics: WHY IS THERE A CAT IN MY TOILET

Pidgeot: MATT WE DON’T HAVE A CAT

takashit: WH

Hunkules: WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING @ THE HOLTS ARE YOU OKAY

Pidgeot: keith no

kogayne: IM NOT OKAYY

Pidgeot: I can’t believe you did that in a group chat of people you don’t know

kogayne: shit

Mathematics: ha you exposed your own damn self

LancethePike: guys have I told you about how I drew thicc mr. krabs on a balloon?

Mathematics: …..continue

[Photo from LancethePike]

kogayne: I’M SHITTING ASFDLKJEH

takashit: ohh this is gonna be a fuuun trip

Mathematics: LANCE WHAT THE FUCK

Pidgeot: WHY DO YOU ONLY HAVE ART SKILLS WHEN YOU’RE BEING A MEME

LancethePike: a talent of mine.

Pidgeot > Hunkules

Pidgeot: Yo heads up, something’s a bit off with Lance. He won’t talk to me about it, but be expecting a text from him any minute.

Hunkules: he seemed fine in the chat?

Pidgeot: you know him just as well as I do. He made it seem like he was fine because me and Matt were there. We just left, so I wanted to let you know.

Hunkules: Thanks Pidge

Pidgeot: :P

LancethePike > Hunkules

LancethePike: Humk

LancethePike: i csnt beeathe

LancethePike: thrs too mivh to do

LancethePike: in too strewsed

Hunkules: Do you need me to call you?

LancethePike: yrs pks

[call ended 0:36:19]

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: I’m all packed, all i gotta do is change my phone plan and shower and I’m good to go.

LancethePike: My sister is taking me to get it switched in a bit so im just gonna shower and have a good ol’ time. How’s packing going, Hunk?

Hunkules: uhh, I’m almost halfway done

takashit: do you want Keith and I to come help?

Hunkules: as much as I'd absolutely love that, I think I've got it, thanks so much, though

takashit: you're sure?

Hunkules: yep! I'm enlisting my moms... They'll be a big help

Mathematics: i want you

kogayne: pardon?

Mathematics: uhhh wrong chat

takashit: p a r d o n  ? ?

Mathematics: today is the day I delete my existence, kiddos

Allure: why is this the first thing I open the chat to

Pidgeot: scroll up

Allure: oh shit... Matt you've gotta be careful

LancethePike: don't let us kiddos know what you do in your spare time

Pidgeot: LANCE

kogayne: AERJGHAEI;JH

Allure: ahem

Mathematics: would you believe me if i said I was memeing

LancethePike: that's plaible

kogayne: you got a word a day calendar or something?

LancethePike: no. I'm just that smart

Hunkules: it took him roughly a minute to google a smart person word

LancethePike: and how would you know that

Pidgeot: dude english isn't your first language

LancethePike: so?

Pidgeot: sigh

Pidgeot > Allure

Pidgeot: Hey I just remembered, what are you doing with your house while we’re gone. Is Coran gonna come watch it?

Allure: No, Coran has to stay close to the university. I’m renting it to someone. I’ve had to pack up all my stuff and lock it in a room. Luckily, I’ve had Matt and Shiro to help me.

Pidgeot: Oh that’s cool, you could’ve asked me to help you too if you needed anything extra. Who are you renting it to?

Allure: This guy who used to live in town. He says that he’s single, but I looked at his Facebook and it says he’s married and lives in Springville across the street from his wife’s gun shop. All of his posts are very political as well, so I’m almost afraid that he’ll ditch me and I won’t have any extra income while we’re gone. It isn’t too big of a problem, but it would be nice to know.

Pidgeot: oh no, not one of THOSE people. What will you do if he ditches?

Allure: I’ll just call and have my water, cable, and electric shut off. Maybe at least it’ll cut the costs a bit.

Pidgeot: and you’re 100% sure you’re willing to pay for all of us to go? If you’re tight on cash, Matt and I can pay for ourselves and the Broganes can probably find some money.

Allure: No, I want to do this for you guys. I won’t be that tight on cash, it’ll all be fine.

Allure: How is Lance on packing?

Pidgeot: We helped him clean his room and he’s packing now. Matt and I are going back home to make sure we have everything in order, and then we can finally relax.

Allure: Good! Well I’ve gotta run, I’m gonna make sure I’ve also got everything packed and ready to go… I should probably mop anyway.

Pidgeot: Okay! Don’t work too hard!

Allure > eur-in for a treat

Allure: Hey guys, I was thinking, if you’re all done packing, do you want to come to my pool? Your families are invited too :P

takashit: Keith?

kogayne: I’m down

LancethePike: are you sure about this whole family thing? I have 5 sisters. a brother, a niece and a nephew.

Allure: Yes! They’re more than welcome!

Hunkules: Yes my moms and I are coming, baking cookies real quick

Pidgeot: bless you Hunk

Mathematics: all the Holts are on board!

LancethePike: you should expect 9 McClain's!

takashit: do you want us to bring anything?

Allure: if you wanna bring a fruit tray that would be fantastic.

Mathematics: I’ll get the veggies!

LancethePike: what’s your address?

[Location from Allure]

Allure: come whenever!

LancethePike: Hunk, I was right. Allura is a goddess.

Hunkules: Lance McClain, king of never being wrong.

kogayne: pft

Pidgeot: mhmmm

LancethePike: fok u m8

Mathematics: we’re here, let us in my loveeeee

Allure: coming, Matthew dearest!

Mathematics: ;)

Pidgeot: not in my good Christian minecraft server

LancethePike: ;)

Hunkules: shouldn’t you be driving, McClain

LancethePike: no, mom is driving

Hunkules: well get here soon you’re the last ones

LancethePike: we’re here we’re here

LancethePike > Hunkules

LancethePike: can we just take a sec to talk about how gross Keith’s hair is?

LancethePike: seriously, the 80s called and they want their hair back

Hunkules: is that why you’re blushing furiously?

LancethePike: of course not

Hunkules: O.O

Hunkules: just get in the water and leave Keith and his hair alone

LancethePike: *sigh* if you say so, King Hunk

Allure > eur-in for a treat

Allure: Thank you so much for coming guys! I’m so glad to have you. I can’t wait for our adventures this summer!

LancethePike: Thanks for inviting us, Allura!

Hunkules: It was so much fun, thanks!

kogayne: you guys don’t seem so bad

Pidgeot: they are. Trust me

Mathematics: Thanks, Princess. I love you, see you tomorrow

takashit: love you, llura <3

Pidgeot: DISGUSTING

Hunkules > eur-in for a treat

Hunkules: I’m all packed, my room is clean, and I’m finally able to just sit

LancethePike: thank god my mom spared me from dinner. It was my turn to cook but she didnt make me. I just gotta put my skincare stuff in and I’m ready.

takashit: guys it is 3 in the morning go to SLEEP

LancethePike: okay uh rood

LancethePike: I’m trying to have a CONVERSATION here

LancethePike: anyway, what time are we leaving tomorrow?

Pidgeot: 4:00 PM

takashit: Pidge??? Why are you up?

Pidgeot: don’t question it Shiro.

Pidgeot: We’re driving to Indianapolis because Allura’s uncle lives there and he’s gonna drive the car back to his place after we leave from Chicago at 5 AM. From there we fly to NYC, cross the city and get to a different airport, where we fly to Paris.

LancethePike: Sounds like a lot of sitting in cars and airports.

Allure: Yeah, so be sure to wear something comfortable!

LancethePike: Those are the most beatiful words I’ve heard all day

Hunkules: read*

LancethePike: semantics

takashit: pls sleep,,,

Hunkules: okay, DAD

kogayne: ajkdhfheaifei DAD

takashit: KEITH WHY ARE YOU AWAKE

kogayne: YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD

takashit: pls don't do this to me

LancethePike: well, uh, this seems like a good time to say goodnight,,,,,, uh, yeah

kogayne: Night Lance

takashit: Keith, you go to bed too.

kogayne: ugh fine.

Pidgeot: lol bye old man

takashit: :,(

takashit: finally, some fucking peace.

Mathematics: What did I miss?

takashit: [incomprehensible screaming]

Chapter Text

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: My mom woke me up just now and told me to get ready,,,,,

kogayne: but it’s 10? We don’t leave till 4?

LancethePike: exactly. That’s what I said. My sister still has to take me to get my phone switched over, though. That’s gonna take like an hour at most

Pidgeot: I woke up by myself,,, I never wake up this early

takashit: …...early?

Mathematics: why are you guys texting so much? Its only like 10 am, people are trying to sleep

takashit: [looks into the camera like I’m Jim from the office]

LancethePike: ooof my mom has recruited me for an entire house cleaning before I leave

Pidgeot: rip Lance, it was a good life

kogayne > takashit

kogayne: I forgot that we’re gonna have to fly. You know I hate flying.

takashit: two things. Are you gonna be okay? Also, how else would we get across the ocean in a short amount of time?

kogayne: fuck you Shiro I was being hopeful

takashit: have you taken your meds recently?

kogayne: yeah, I took them this morning

takashit: then you should feel a bit better when we get there. If you’re freaking out too much, I can see if you can take another, and maybe some melatonin to make you sleep on the flight or something.

kogayne: its okay, Shiro. I’ll probably be fine.

takashit: if you start to panic i need you to tell me. I don’t want you to suffer in silence. You can talk to me or Pidge or anyone in the group chat, if you need. Just know that you don’t have to go through this alone

kogayne: thanks shiro. I’ll keep that in mind

takashit: now go make sure you’re ready to go. Your room better be clean.

kogayne: you cant tell me what to do old man

takashit: I get called dad ONCE and this is what happens

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: hey so uhhh my sis thought that we should go to the city to switch my phone over so I’m leaving in an hour and she wants me to ask if you guys can pick me up the the T-Mobile across from the mall.

Allure: That’s fine, sure! We’re passing by there anyway, so sure, why not?

LancethePike: thank you so much, youre a fuckin goddess ahhhh

Mathematics: hey wait

takashit: back off

Hunkules: were you guys really lurking?

takashit: nah I just smelled someone hitting on my girlfriend and came running.

Mathematics: ^^^

Allure: have I ever told you guys that I love you

LancethePike: uh rude af, I take back what I said.

takashit: <3

Mathematics: I love you too, Princess

Pidgeot: DISGUSTING

Hunkules: so I have an idea for the car ride

Hunkules: why dont we play one of those party games that we all played in middle school? Like would you rather and never have I ever and 20 questions.

kogayne: why would we ever do that

LancethePike: yeah hunk. I gotta agree with Mullet Mcgee over here. Why tf?

Hunkules: because our groups are connected by the Holts, so none of us really know each other that well, and I think it would help to know a bit about the people you’re travelling the world with.

LancethePike: fair enough

kogayne: Mullet mcgee?????

LancethePike: because you have a mullet

kogayne: I do not have a mullet

Pidgeot: well we already know who’s gonna get along

LancethePike: you DO TOO have a mullet!

LancethePike: look at this:

[3 Photos from LancethePike]

LancethePike: these are different kinds of mullets

[2 Photos from LancethePike]

LancethePike: this is your hair

kogayne: why do you have a picture of my hair

Pidgeot: GSDDFhEL

Hunkules: PFFT

LancethePike: oh what’s that? It’s time to leave? Oh and I get to drive so I can’t text my friends anymore? Oh what a shaaame.

kogayne: [confused screaming]

Hunkules > LancethePike

Hunkules: I know you haven’t left yet so I just want to ask

Hunkules: when the fuck did you take those pictures and why

LancethePike: because i wanted him to know that he has a mullet,,, and I took them yesterday at the pool before he got in

Hunkules: mhm

LancethePike: okay sorry for wanting to take a picture of a muscular ass man with soft looking hair

Hunkules: O.O

LancethePike: shit shit shit

LancethePike: no stop

[Hunkules Screenshotted the Chat!]

LancethePike: Dead to me

Hunkules > Pidgeot

[Photo from Hunkules]

Hunkules: bitch we been knew

Pidgeot: oh this is going to be one fun trip

kogayne > Pidgeot

kogayne: so uh

kogayne: any idea why Lance took a picture of my hair?

Pidgeot: wow you’re so awkward

Pidgeot: no, I have no idea. I’m not his babysitter

kogayne: okay sorry, I thought maybe he might’ve messaged you or something

Pidgeot: does it really bother you that much?

kogayne: no, I just want to know why

Pidgeot: Inch Resting

[Pidgeot Screenshotted the Chat!]

Pidgeot > Hunkules

[Photo from Pidgeot]

Pidgeot: i have a feeling they’re gonna thank us for this.

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: GUYS IM LEAVING NOW I’LL SEE YOU SOON

Hunkules: I LOVE YOU SEE YOU SOON

LancethePike: I LOVE YOU TOO

LancethePike: Update: I’m in love with the guys working at T-Mobile today. They’re so nice

Hunkules: I’m offended

LancethePike: sorry Hunk, you’ve been replaced.

[kogayne Screenshotted the Chat!]

LancethePike: Keith you know that we see you lurking, right?

kogayne: yep

LancethePike: okay cool then

Allure: Everyone! We’re leaving in 5, make sure you’re here!!

Mathematics: I’m sorryyyy Pidge and I are on our way

takashit: why are we dating you again?

takashit: wait why are you texting me if you’re on your way

Pidgeot: our parents are seeing us off

takashit: Matt you gave me a FUCKING heart attack

Pidgeot: watch you FUCKING language around the goddamn KIDS SHIRO

takashit: you’re the reason I’m going gray

LancethePike: pls don’t forget about me

Allure: Matt and Pidge if you’re not here in 1 minute we’re leaving without you

Mathematics: But my love

Allure: Matthew

Mathematics: 20 seconds, Darling

Pidgeot: why are you only like this in the group chat

kogayne: yeah seriously I don’t wanna see what my brother gets up to with his boyfriend and girlfriend

Pidgeot: ^^^

Mathematics: pulling in

Allure: Lance we’re on our way to grab you!

LancethePike: I’ll be ready

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: what the fuck are you wearing

LancethePike: don’t hate on my shorts

kogayne: why are you wearing them??? Airports are always cold??

LancethePike: okay can I not look good for the air hostess? I’ll woo her with my hot legs

kogayne: whatever you say

LancethePike: why are you texting me anyway? We’re in the same car

kogayne: i don’t want to interrupt the silence

LancethePike: fair enough

kogayne: oh also,,,, why do you have pictures of my hair?

LancethePike: uhhhhhh

LancethePike: my internet friend didn’t believe that I met someone with a mullet

kogayne: oh okay

LancethePike: sorry I seem so weird omg I just realized

LancethePike: we’ve only hung out irl twice and once I took pictures of your hair and now I’m wearing fucking booty shorts

kogayne: nah it’s cool

kogayne > Pidgeot

kogayne: AHHHHH????

Pidgeot: ?

kogayne: Lance has really nice legs??????

Pidgeot: !

kogayne: h e l p

Pidgeot: !?

[Pidgeot Screenshotted the Chat!]

Pidgeot > Hunkules

[Photo from Pidgeot]

Hunkules: O.O

Pidgeot: why is he wearing those shorts anyway

Hunkules: I have no idea

takashit > eur-in for a treat

takashit: Lance

LancethePike: you called?

takashit: what the hell are you wearing and why

LancethePike: is it a crime for wanting to look cute?

takashit: Hunk come get your mans

LancethePike: I’m a strong independent man. I don’t need a man to corral me.

takashit: Lance the last time we took a bathroom break you got out of the car and I saw half of your entire ass

[kogayne Screenshotted the Chat!]

LancethePike: why are we all attacking ME? I’m just a boy trying to be cute

Hunkules: you do realize the airports are cold, right?

LancethePike: you act as if you don’t know i come prepared. I have sweatpants in my bag

Pidgeot: then why aren’t you wearing them now?

LancethePike: HEY IM CUTE CAN YOU STOP

Hunkules: okay okay okay sure jeez

Hunkules: can we pls play never have I ever, I'm bored and we still have yet to do that

Pidgeot: Whatever you do, don't let Lance ask the questions.

LancethePike: okay well if we talk about what normal teenagers say, I'm spot on. I say we let it go whichever way it wants to.

takashit: I can already tell this is gonna be a huge mistake but I'm here for it

Mathematics: Allura's not playing, but anyway,,, ONWARD!

Hunkules: I'll start. (we're starting with 10 btw)

Hunkules: Never have I ever listened to Hamilton all the way through.

takashit: 10

Mathematics: 9

Pidgeot: ....9

kogayne: 10

LancethePike: 9

takashit: never have I ever smoked weed

Mathematics: 8

Pidgeot: 8

Hunkules: 10

LancethePike: 8

kogayne: 10

Pidgeot: never have I ever liked guys

LancethePike: oh COME ON PIDGE

kogayne: this is HOMOPHOBIC

Hunkules: ugh, 9

kogayne: 9

takashit: 9

LancethePike: 7

Mathematics: 7

kogayne: never have I ever kissed anyone

LancethePike: now I feel like everyone's targeting me

LancethePike: 6

Pidgeot: 7

Mathematics: 6

takashit: 8

Hunkules: 9

Mathematics: never have I ever been in handcuffs

takashit: ......7

kogayne: S H I R O

Pidgeot: MATT

LancethePike: 6, like a good christian child

Pidgeot: 7

Hunkules: ajveaekjh 9

kogayne: 9

LancethePike: never have I ever given a blowjob

Pidgeot: lance really

Pidgeot: 7

Mathematics: 5

takashit: 6

Hunkules: gross, Lance. 9

kogayne: 9

Hunkules: never have I ever gotten drunk

kogayne: 8

takashit: KEITH

kogayne: youre not my real dad

takashit: 5

Mathematics: 4

LancethePike: 5

Pidgeot: does tipsy count

Mathematics: I'm not surprised. yes it counts.

Pidgeot: 6

takashit: never have I ever wanted to be called/call someone else daddy

Pidgeot: matt I s2g if you lower your number... 6

LancethePike: 5

kogayne: 8, ew

Hunkules: 9

Mathematics: .....3

Pidgeot: MATTHEW HOLT YOU'RE GETTING KICKED OUT

Mathematics: no pls, let me stay

Pidgeot: never have I ever broken a bone

kogayne: 7

LancethePike: 4

takashit: technically my arm isn't broken,,,,

Pidgeot: it counts, handcuff boy

takashit: 4

Mathematics: 3

Hunkules: 8

LancethePike: how do you still have 8????

kogayne: never have I ever accidentally said "i love you" to someone

Mathematics: 2

takashit: 3

LancethePike: 3

Hunkules: 8

Pidgeot: 6

LancethePike: never have I ever pressed send and then immediately regretted it

Hunkules: 8, I think

kogayne: 7?

takashit: 2

Mathematics: 2

Pidgeot: 5

Hunkules: never have I ever been to a country in Asia

kogayne: wow target the korean man... 6

takashit: 1

Mathematics: 2

Pidgeot: 5

LancethePike: 3

takashit: never have I ever been without AC in the summer

Pidgeot: 5

Mathematics: 1

LancethePike: 2

Hunkules: 8

kogayne: 6

Pidgeot: never have I ever made out with someone when parents were home

LancethePike: 1

Hunkules: 8

kogayne: 6

takashit: 1

Mathematics: shit I'm out.

Pidgeot: what a great conclusion to the game.

kogayne: i know so much more about my brother than I ever wanted to.

Pidgeot: ^^

kogayne > takashit

[Two Photos from kogayne]

kogayne: are Lance and Hunk a thing?

takashit: not that I know of. I think they’re both straight.

kogane: didn’t he hit on you and Matt

takashit: he could be kidding? besides, why are you asking me this, why not ask them yourself or even Pidge?

kogayne: hhhhhhh

takashit: why do you even want to know?

kogayne: is it a crime to want to know more about people you’re traveling with?

takashit: hmmm okay

[takashit Screenshotted the Chat!]

takashit > Pidgeot

[Photo from takashit]

takashit: I can tell you’re plotting something so have this

Pidgeot: you’re my favorite brogane

takashit: i’m telling keith

Pidgeot: and how are you going to explain how you found that out

takashit: damn

[Pidgeot Saved a Photo]

Pidgeot created a group with Hunkules and takashit

[3 Photos from Pidgeot]

Pidgeot: I’m not gonna say anything but I think we are all thinking the same thing

kogayne > eur-in for a treat

kogayne: @Pidge, Hunk, and Shiro why are you staring at me

LancethePike: why are you also staring at me

Pidgeot: sorry, spaced out

Hunkules: thought about something that made me think of you

takashi: why can’t I look at my brother

kogayne: hm okay then

Allure: hey guys since our flight isn’t till 6:00 tomorrow, we’re gonna go crash at my college friend’s house. His name is Stuart and we had intro to musical theater together freshman year. We’ve gotta be up by 2:30 so that we can leave by 3. It takes an hour to get from his house to the airport and I like having a whole two hours to get through security and stuff.

Pidgeot: sounds good

Allure: Hunk wake up Lance, we’re here

Hunkules: hnnnng

Chapter Text

Allure > eur-in for a treat

Allure: wake up motherfuckers it’s go time

Mathematics: kashi, isn’t our girlfriend so eloquent?

takashit: god I’m in love

LancethePike: five more minutes

kogayne: jokes on you I didn’t sleep

Pidgeot: Keith we’re not gonna sleep for the next day and a half what are you doing

kogayne: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Allure: guys we’re getting in the car NOW let’s MOVE

Pidgeot: is Hunk awake?

Mathematics: Lance was supposed to be on Hunk detail

takashit: Lance is asleep

Pidgeot: shit

Allure: let’s GO

Allure: I s2g if any of you fall asleep in the car I will personally deck you

LancethePike: you heard the pretty lady, MOVE IT

takashit: and I will personally deck lance

LancethePike: fair enough

Hunkules > eur-in for a treat

Hunkules: does anyone want anything from the food kiosk?

Allure: a bagel pleaseeee

Hunkules: cinnamon and sugar?

Allure: you’re a fucking angel

LancethePike: can i get a fuckin uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh coffee?

Hunkules: coffee machine broke

Hunkules: but yeah i’ll get you one. 3 creamer 6 sugar?

LancethePike: you know me so well

kogayne: what the fuck

LancethePike: what

kogayne: how do you not have heart disease

LancethePike: oh so first you insult my shorts and now my coffee?

kogayne: I wouldn’t call that coffee,,,,,,,

LancethePike: wow lets just make fun of everything I do, shall we? I’ll start,,, a week ago I fell into a ball pit, and then the next day i got stuck in between gymnastics mats.

Pidgeot: JSHXHWUX

takashit: salty much?

LancethePike: nope, I’m chill

Mathematics: hey Hunk we’re boarding hurry pls

Hunkules: commence the “soccer mom on black friday” walk

LancethePike: this is why I love you

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: hey are you okay? you look a little off

kogayne: I’ll be fine, I’m just not a fan of flying

LancethePike: do you wanna talk about it?

LancethePike: you don’t have to by any means, but if you want to, don’t hold back. You can ask Hunk, I’m a good listener

kogayne: I think I’ll be okay.

LancethePike: if you start panicking, don’t hesitate to message me. I’ve got a bunch of siblings that have panic attacks a lot. Not to mention I have them too. I can help you out.

kogayne: thanks, Lance

LancethePike: no problem, dude

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: is it weird that this is my first time in NYC

kogayne: nah, I haven’t been either

Allure: I have!

LancethePike: shut up Allura we know, you’re rich

Allure: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

kogayne: it’s so big

LancethePike: my friend says it takes like 4 hours to get across the whole city, though i bet she was exaggerating

Allure: so we have 3 hours until I meet with my boss for lunch, what do you want to do?

Pidgeot: bounce house.

Mathematics: what

Pidgeot: i looked it up and there’s an indoor bounce park around here. we should call a Lyft and go

LancethePike: BOUNCE HOUSE

takashit: Lance you’re a SENIOR

LancethePike: and Pidge is a Junior, what do you want from me?

takashit: well i guess we’re going to the bounce house

Pidgeot: YES

LancethePike: FUCK YEA

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: what are Allura’s bosses names again?

takashit: Crystal, Lauren, and Robyn I think

LancethePike: oh okay.

kogayne: OW SHIT

kogayne: LANCE YOU ASSHOLE

LancethePike: I’M SORRY

takashit: what

kogayne: I FUCKING SAT IN LANCE’S PIZZA

kogayne: THAT HURTS

LancethePike: I’ll go with you to get you cleaned up. I’m bringing my backpack. It’s got easily accessible clothes. Go ahead into the bathroom.

kogayne: okay, fine.

[Photo from LancethePike]

LancethePike: LOOK AT HIM

LancethePike: THIS IS THE BEST DECISION IVE EVER MADE

kogayne: this is the only thing you have in your bag are you kidding

[takashit Screenshotted the Chat!]

[takashit Saved a Photo]

Pidgeot: KEITH Y E S

kogayne: WHY DO YOU OWN THESE

LancethePike: How else am I gonna sway cute guys?

kogayne: ………..

LancethePike: did you think I was straight

kogayne: ………..

LancethePike: BAHAHAHA

Hunkules: HAHAHAHAAAA

Pidgeot: PFFFFFFFT

kogayne: I’M SORRY I HAVE A DEFECTIVE GAYDAR

LancethePike: I THOUGHT MY BISEXUALITY WAS SO OBVIOUS

kogayne: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW

Pidgeot: Keith,,,,, you’re not the most observant of people

Hunkules: Let me guess, you didn’t know I was pan either?

kogayne: n o

Pidgeot: I need to tell you something. I’m homoromantic asexual.

kogayne: stfu gremlin we all knew this

Pidgeot: well I mean we all knew that Lance is bi and Hunk is pan but that’s news to you i guess.

Mathematics: Keith, I think it’s time you know that I’m bisexual and in a relationship with your brother and Allura

kogayne: you all? dead to me.

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: It’s official, our Lyft driver is the most interesting person I’ve ever met.

kogayne: you know Pidge,,,,,

LancethePike: did i fuckin stutter???

Pidgeot: you know HUNK

LancethePike: Hunk is second by default

Hunkules: wow thanks buddy

LancethePike: you got it

LancethePike: my skin is suffering,,, I didn’t get enough sleep last night

kogayne: I still can’t believe you slept

LancethePike: THATS why your pores are,,,,,, they way that they are

kogayne: fuckin rude

LancethePike: I’m not sorry, your skin is terrible

kogayne: hm okay sure

Pidgeot > eur-in for a treat

Pidgeot: I’m BORED

LancethePike: what am I supposed to do about it

Pidgeot: come onnnnnnn

Pidgeot: you’re supposed to be my partner in CRIME

LancethePike: but YOUTUBE

Pidgeot: ughhhhhhh

Allure: hey guys you’d better sleep on this next flight or I will be very angry. It’s a 7 hour flight and when we land it’ll be noon in Paris.

Allure: and then we’ll probably hightail it to our Air B&B ASAP

Hunkules: I’m not usually one to complain but we have been sitting in this airport for 8 hours and I think I’m going insane

Pidgeot: ^^^

takashit: guys i don’t even wanna hear it we’re gonna be in Paris France in like 8 hours

Mathematics: but like,,,,, that’s a whole 8 hours away

Allure: stfu we’re boarding in like 5 minutes and then y’all must SLEEP

kogayne: Lance I’ve gotten so many weird looks and it’s your fault

Pidgeot: To be fair you look great in a crop top and short shorts

kogayne: okay but have you considered that i don’t care

kogayne: now everyone KNOWS that I’m gay

takashit: look at your username

takashit: now look at what you just said

kogayne: you’re not my real dad

Allure: Lance Pidge they’re calling us to board

LancethePike: shit we’re coming

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: I’m taking you up on the offer because I’m freaking out.

LancethePike: are you okay?

kogayne: i would text shiro but he’s asleep and so is literally everyone else but i

LancethePike: hey, you gotta breathe Keith. Focus on each of your senses for ten seconds. find 3 things you can hear, smell, taste, touch, and see.

kogayne: hhhhhhhh

LancethePike: breathe in for 4 seconds and out for 4

LancethePike: do you need to talk about it?

kogayne: maybe, just, i need a sec

LancethePike: You’re not alone, okay? I’m just gonna keep talking to see if it’ll take your mind off. Is that okay?

kogayne: mhm

LancethePike: I’m gonna tell you about my family. Is that okay?

kogayne: uh sure

LancethePike: okay. My mamá and papá met on Varadero Beach in Cuba. Mamá was about 20 years old and papá was 24. They fell in love and mi papá proposed to her on that very beach. The day before their wedding they found out that they were pregnant. They had a girl, Juliana. Juliana is honestly a bit snobbish because she’s the oldest, but she’s very smart. She married an Italian man and they live in Colorado with their two sons.

kogayne: i’m sorry this isn’t helping

LancethePike: okay, that’s okay!

kogayne: it’s making it worse i’m sorry hhhhh

LancethePike: remember, breathe in for 4, out for 4

kogayne: i’m calm, i’m calm

LancethePike: you’re welcome to talk about it if you need to, but I won’t pressure you into it.

kogayne: i’m sorry i just can’t

LancethePike: that’s totally okay, man.

LancethePike: try to get some rest if you can. Message me if you need anything else, alright?

kogane: thank you, Lance.

LancethePike: no problem, Keith.

Chapter Text

Hunkules > eur-in for a treat

Hunkules: I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired

Allure: did you sleep?

Hunkules: hardly. There was no way to get comfortable

Hunkules: I slept for 3 hours yesterday of Stuart’s floor, then 4 hours today on the plane

Hunkules: and as a man that usually gets at least 8 hours, I’ve never been this tired

LancethePike: I think i popped a rib those seats are so uncomfortable

Pidgeot: my neck is broken forever

kogayne: yeah it was pretty bad

Pidgeot: you were asleep for like 85% of the whole flight???

kogayne: that doesn’t mean it wasn’t bad

takashit: I am TIRED™

Mathematics: just let me REST

LancethePike: they spent their whole budget on those stupid tablet things on the back of the seats when what they really need is something that doesn’t feel like a medieval torture device.

Hunkules: ^^^

takashit: where’d everyone else go

LancethePike: burned at the stake probably

Hunkules: hung and quartered

Mathematics: no they’re asleep again

LancethePike: nice job keeping the analogy alive Matthew

takashit: okay hang on can we stop complaining for a few seconds just to realize that we are standing in Paris, France?

Pidgeot: shit man

kogane: you right

hunkules: wait. Who here knows like any French at all?

Mathematics: I took it for three years

Hunkules: oh good, you can be our translator

Mathematics: I said I took the class I didn’t say I retained anything

Hunkules: dead to me

LancethePike: sorry man I’m taking spanish, it’s an easy A

[Pidgeot Screenshotted the Chat!]

Pidgeot: I can’t believe we didn’t know that none of us speak French until we GOT TO FRANCE

LancethePike: wait i do know a little

kogayne: I don’t believe you

LancethePike: oui oui mon ami, je m’appel Lafayette. The LANCElot of the revolutionary set. I came from afar just to say bonsoir fell the king casè toi who is the best? C’est moi.

kogayne: This Is Not What I Asked For

LancethePike: well then figure it out Alexander. That’s an order from your commander

LancethePike: and then i can count to 9 but idk how to spell them

Allure: are you forgetting that French is my first language

Mathematics: of cOURSE NOT I WAS JUST PLAYING ALONG

Hunkules: oh there that makes it easier

LancethePike: y’all my skin is SUFFERING. I haven’t been able to wash it for like 2 days

LancethePike: I can FEEL my clogged pores. If this goes on for much longer I’ll break out

Pidgeot: I’m ignoring you Lance because there is no visual difference

LancethPike: ahhhhh i neeeeed my soaaaap

Hunkules: i’m other news, the lady sitting next to me on the flight had no idea what personal space is.

Pidgeot: oh no

LancethePike: not one of THOSE people

Hunkules: mhm

takashit: I saw her being all up in your space and I thought about saying something but I fell asleep

kogayne: Shiro the Hero

LancethePike: Zero to Shiro just like that

Hunkules: my username

Allure: Oh Hercules is my favorite disney movie!

Mathematics: does that surprise me? not really, am I dissapointed? I don’t think so?

Pidgeot: ohmygod did you guys see that air host? He was like the only guy and he looked like a french version of Zach Kornfeld.

LancethePike: The Try Guys Fly A Plane

LancethePike: Eugene would be at the helm pretending to know how to do things. Ned would be next to him trying to do the things faster. Keith would be the one that tries to help at first but doesn’t hear the “staff seated for takeoff” announcement and he’s just fall everywhere. And Zach would be the one that tries so damn hard and he’s everyone’s favorite.

Pidgeot: that’s good

Hunkules: sounds pretty right, yeah

Keith: Where Is The Lie

Mathematics: you kids and your new-fangled youtubes and googles

takashit: back in my day, we had libraries

Pidgeot: what do you want??? a medal???

Mathematics: yes

Pidgeot: too bad

Mathematics: DX

Allure: I’m going to the bathroom. After that, we’re going to get our car and then we’ll go get something to eat

takashit: do you want me to drive?

Allure: it doesn’t matter to me. We’ll be fast enough that we’ll get to our apartment in no time.

Mathematics: I just talked to the informations desk and she called us a taxi to get to the car rental place

LancethePike: Matthew Holt? Being helpful for once? Are we in a foreign country or an alternate reality

Mathematics: stfu McClain

Allure: this is why I love you, Matt.

kogayne: I’m gonna go change

Pidgeot: I am too

Hunkules: Let’s just all go change

Pidgeot: ^^^

Allure: the car is here come onnnn

LancethePike: Google Translate here I come

Pidgeot: why is Allura trying to teach us French

kogayne: bitch we just got off a plane and we’ve only slept for a max of 8 hours in 2 days

kogane: I’m not in the mood for learning rn thanks

takashit: you do realize this is the group chat, right?

kogayne: did I fuckin stutter?

Mathematics: I’m gonna sleep

LancethePike: all in favor of ignoring Allura and sleeping?

Mathematics: i

kogayne: i

Pidgeot: i

Hunkules: i

LancethePike: okay goodnight

takashit: so Allura is taking us to our Air B&B now

koygane: why are you texting us then

takashit: it’s quiet.

kogayne: okay, cool. I’ll make sure the others are ready.

Allure: now that we’re parked, I should tell you something. The best Air B&B I could find was a two bed one bath. Our host is an older lady named Liza. We’ll have to figure out sleeping arrangements, though.

LancethePike: w h a t

LancethePike: there are 7 of us. Two bedrooms?

Allure: and a pull out couch

takashit: well it’s obvious that Matt, Allura, and I are taking a room.

LancethePike: Hunk and I call the other room!

Pidgeot: I call the ot-fuck you

LancethePike: :P

Pidgeot: Keith we’re sharing the couch

Keith: K

Mathematics: Lizza is the cutest woman I’ve ever seen she’s such a sweetheart

takashit: ^

Allure: guys we gotta go grocery shopping and get some food

Keith: thank god, the last thing I ate was Subway at 7:00 last night

Allure: pile in, we’re going to this market thing that Lizza told me about

Mathematics: coming, Princess

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: I forgot that I don’t speak French and have no idea what anyone is saying

LancethePike: I just went into the store because i wanted some bananas and I had to be all “Parlez-vous français?” and the cashier was like “You can’t bring the cart out of the store” and I was like “oh okay thanks”

LancethePike: talking to people is HARD

LancethePike: I’m so tired

Hunkules: I call top bunk

LancethePike: dammit

Hunkules: hahahahhaaaaaaaa

Allure: guys let’s go home

Pidgeot: y e s p l e a s e

kogayne: I’m so ready to sleep

LancethePike: everyone is showering first, though. No ifs ands or buts. I’m not living with a bunch of smelly people.

takashit: yes mom

kogayne: sleepytown, here I come

Chapter Text

Allure > takashit

Allure: Kashi, can you make sure everyone is up? I ran out to get gas and I know that you’re awake.

takashit: sure. when will you be home?

Allure: it won’t be long… maybe. I’m having trouble finding the gas station. I pulled over to google it but the nearest one is closed so I’m just gonna drive around and find one.

takashit: okay! i’ll go ahead and make you some toast while I’m at it.

Allure: thank youuu, love you kashi <3

takashit: <3

“Keith, Pidge, it’s time.” Shiro strides into the living room, shirtless. He’s freshly showered, his white tuft of hair sticking to his forehead and a gray towel around his neck. “Guys, come o- oh shit!” Tripping on the leg of the pull out couch, the muscular man lands on top of the sleeping people. “Fuck,” Pidge shouts, trying to push herself up on all fours. “Goddammit Shiro. What the hell?” Keith turns to glare at his brother, still laying on top of him. “Ow, it’s not my fault, I stubbed my toe on the bed,” Shiro sits up, in between the two teens, to examine his stubbed toe. “Well at least you’re awake. Get up and dressed. We’re leaving in about two hours to go see the sights.” With that, Keith rolls, very literally, out of the bed, onto the pale wooden floor. He pulls himself up into a standing position and walks tiredly into the kitchen, presumably to make some coffee. Pidge groans, yawns, then rolls over and goes back to sleep.

After recovering from his toe-stubbing, Shiro stands and walks into the second bedroom, where Hunk is asleep on the top bunk and Lance is laying halfway off the bed asleep on the bottom bunk. There’s light snoring coming from the top. “Rise and shine, kids. You gotta get moving!” Shiro shouts playfully. “Five more minutes,” Lance groans, rolling over. “Uh uh, I don’t think so.” The bigger man slides his arm underneath the teen and throws him over his shoulder. “Wha- Shiro what the fuck!?” Lance yells, waking Hunk. “What’s goin- OW!” The man on the top bunk yells, hitting his head on the ceiling. “What the fuck is the loudness for? What? Shirooooo!” Matt storms into the bedroom, whining, “Allura and I are the only ones you’re supposed to carry like that!” “DISGUSTING”
“Well Pidge is awake.”
“Shiro oh my god put me DOWN”
“Yeah Shiro put him down.”

Hunk carefully climbs down the ladder and retrieves Lance from Shiro’s grasp. “I’ll be taking this,” he says calmly before carrying him into the living room and depositing him on the couch. “Thanks Hunky,” Lance says, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. There’s a brief smacking of lips from the bedroom, then Matt and Shiro walk into the kitchen to start breakfast. “So all we have for breakfast is toast and cream cheese, because no one wanted to stay at the grocery store for very long,” Shiro calls through the wall. Keith groans, walking out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee. “Are they being affectionate again?” Pidge asks. Keith answers with a simple nod and a “Also I’m lactose intolerant so no breakfast for me, I guess.”

“Oh I need me some of that coffee. Anyone else?” “Oh god, yes” Pidge all but moans. “Pidge, okay. Hunk?” Lance nearly “Nah, I’m good.” Hunk turns his head towards the kitchen. “Shatt, I’m gonna have to ask you to stop making out in the kitchen.” Lance’s voice is heard from the hallway. “We’re not?” Matt answers, “seriously, who do you think we are? Horny teenagers?” “I didn’t want to walk into something that would ruin my perception of you.”

With that, Allura walks into the kitchen, kissing her boyfriends on the cheek. “Ruin the perception of who?” she asks, turning to the coffee pot. “I was just making sure that I didn’t walk into Matt and Shiro sucking face,” Lance says defensively. “You’d better not,” Allura says, glaring at the two men, “at least, not without me.” “Allura!” Shiro shouts, nearly dropping a plate. Matt turns her around from where he’s been hugging her. “Lura, here’s the thing, okay? You can’t just SAY STUFF LIKE THAT!” “That’s my cue to skadoo,” Lance nearly sprints out of the kitchen. “I am so sorry you had to witness that,” Keith smiles apologetically. “How do you live with that?” Lance asks, holding Pidge’s coffee out to her.

“Okay, so we’re leaving in 20 minutes, if you’re not ready, you have to walk.” Allura shouts almost shrilly through the small apartment. “Where are we even going?” Matt asks from the kitchen, where he’s washing the dishes. “I’m not sure, honestly. We’re planning on going to the Eiffel Tower, but that’s just about it. We’re gonna go and park and just see where we go.” “That’s a sound plan,” Pidge comments sarcastically. “Hey, don’t sass your mother. Now go. Get dressed!” Shiro hightails it into the bedroom, closely followed by Matt. Hunk stands up, grunting all the way. Keith grabs his backpack and walks into the washroom, where Lance is already washing his face. “Yo, is it cool if I change in here?” He asks, not really caring what Lance says. “Uh sure, man,” Lance feels his face heat up. He’d only seen Keith shirtless once, while they were swimming, and it wasn’t in this close of quarters. He hopes that he’ll make it through it.

The tan boy throws himself into his skincare, trying not to pay attention to the attractive man changing his clothes, and failing. He only allows himself quick glances, but they turn into 3 second long looks, which then evolve into just staring. His skincare regimen forgotten, he focuses hungrily on Keith’s abs. They’re there, but only noticeable if you look for a few seconds. His pecs look nearly nonexistent. Keith noticed his stare, but didn’t say anything. Maybe Lance was just zoning out, yeah, that’s probably it.

Keith starts taking off his pants and Lance nearly has a heart attack. If you could go into cardiac arrest by watching an attractive man take his pants off, well, it was happening. The cuban boy had to make sure to keep his eyes closed, or else things could happen. Things he doesn’t want to happen. If he could just put this mask on, he could leave, and wouldn’t have to deal with thinking about Keith. Keith. KeiTH. KEITH. Dammit. Lance risks opening his eyes to make sure his soap was off. His eyes stray too far and lock onto Keith’s bulge. Oh no. This was a bad thing. The baddest of bad things.

Keith looked at Lance, whose eyes were closed. He couldn’t tell what was happening in his head. Just put your damn pants on and this will all be over, the voice in his head was telling him. He grabbed his jeans, shoving his leg in. Just one more leg. He quickly thrusts his other leg in, but it gets caught on the rip. God, why does the universe hate him? He looks up, and Lance is staring directly at his dick. Dammit. Keith don’t think about Lance right now. Don’t. Do not. His pants are up, go. Leave. Get out of the awkward zone.

When Lance enters the bedroom, face redder than the reddest thing, Hunk knows that something’s up. “Lance are you okay?” He asks. “Keith’s dick was just in my FACE,” Lance whispered. “WHAT?” The bigger boy yelled. “Shhhhhhh, I was washing my face and Keith came in to change and I couldn’t stop looking at him and I accidentally stared right at his fucking crotch, Hunk.” The man just stared at Lance. Only staring. “I gotta change. God, this is gonna be so awkward,” Lance hides his head in his hands. “It’s okay dude, It happens. I won’t talk about it, promise.”

The car ride is quiet and awkward, or at least for Lance and Keith. Shiro and Allura are up front, getting directions. Hunk and Pidge are sitting in the middle, talking to Matt about nerd stuff. Matt is sitting in between Keith and Lance, who are looking out of their respective windows. “Hey Lance, are you okay? You’re usually like, the loudest talker in the whole car. What’s going on?” Pidge asks. When he looks up at her, she’s wearing the biggest smirk he’s ever seen. His eyes widen.

LancethePike > Hunkules

LancethePike: You said you wouldn’t talk about it

Hunkules: I didn’t say I wouldn’t tell anyone

Hunkules: And besides, it wasn’t me. Keith talked to her about it

LancethePike: WHAT

Hunkules: Idk man

LancethePike: hang on a sec

[LancethePike Screenshotted the Chat!]

LancethePike > Pidgeot

[Photo from LancethePike]

LancethePike: What did he say, what did you say, spillll.

Pidgeot: and why should I tell you?

LancethePike: because I Need To Know

Pidgeot: and what do I get in return?

LancethePike: I don’t fucking know? Uhhhh

Pidgeot: hmmmm

Pidgeot: I’ll let you off easy this time.

LancethePike: you’re such a fucking gremlin

Pidgeot: hey, do you want to know what he said or not?

LancethePike: yes,,,,,

Pidgeot: okay

Pidgeot: So, he came into the living room, his face completely red. I asked what was wrong. He said that maybe it was a bad idea to change in the bathroom with you.

LancethePike: r00d

Pidgeot: I asked why, and he said that he didn’t want to talk about it, but I know how to make him cave, so he told me that you were washing your face and ended up staring at his fucking dick.

LancethePike: were those his exact words?

Pidgeot: pretty much

LancethePike: does he hate me now?

Pidgeot: one moment please

[Pidgeot Screenshotted the Chat! X3]

Pidgeot > kogayne

[3 Photos from Pidgeot]

Pidgeot: do you hate him now?

kogayne: what the fuuuuck

kogayne: why did he want to know?

Pidgeot: maybe because staring at your new friend’s crotch isn’t the best idea because they could get offended.

kogayne: hhhhhhhh

kogayne: no, I dont hate him.

Pidgeot: okay. Thank you.

[Pidgeot Screenshotted the Chat! X2]

Pidgeot > LancethePike

[2 Photos from Pidgeot]

LancethePike: oh thank god

Pidgeot: god, will you please leave me out of your gay escapades next time?

LancethePike: its not my fault, Keith’s the one who told you.

Pidgeot: ugh

LancethePike: okay thank you anyway,,

Pidgeot: don’t mention it, McClain

Lance looks up from his phone, a smile on his face. He quickly joins in the conversation surrounding France, and is soon swept away by the beauty of the city of Paris. “Lets go to this market and walk towards Notre Dame, what do you guys think?” Allura calls from the front seat. “I don’t care what everyone else thinks, I’m saying that it’s perfect, just like you,” Matt answers her. She turns back to the map with a light blush on her face. “DISGUSTING,” Pidge shouts, alarming everyone in the car. “Goddamn Pidge, calm yourself.”

The marketplace is so beautiful. There is a narrow street with wide sidewalks on either side. Along the sidewalks are shops, with anything from produce to bags to restaurants. There's always something to catch your eye. Motor scooters drive past on the cobbled streets, and people walk to and fro.

The street widens into a roundabout courtyard, where people are eating, people are talking, people are laughing. There’s a man with an accordion playing the loveliest tune. “Can we get some cherries?” Hunk asks innocently. Matt nods so hard his head might fall off. The 7 friends walk slowly to the cherry stand. “Bonjour! Kilo?” The cherry man asks. “Oui.” Allura answers for us, opening her purse to grab her money. “Et sept pommes,” she adds, turning to her group to translate. “Go get seven apples.”

The walk to Notre Dame is pretty long, though it seems shorter because of the conversations. Lance is talking, everyone else is laughing, and the whole group just radiates happiness.

Once at the huge cathedral, selfies are taken with EVERYONE. Shiro uses his good camera to get a group photo, and Pidge runs over to see the pigeons. The massive building has a line nearly a kilometer long to get inside, so Keith decides that they should opt out of that experience. On the walk back to the market, Matt insists that Shiro, Allura, and himself should get a caricature. The rest of the group waits and takes pictures, laughing at jokes and sitting on the staircase next to the cathedral.

Matt carries their caricature as they walk past a Shakespeare and Company bookstore with a line out the door. Everyone has complained about their hunger at least once, and Hunk has talked about how his feet hurt, “I have tendinitis guys, it’s bad.” “In that case, let’s head back to the car, stop by the Pantheon on the way, and also try to find a supermarket for some turkey,” Keith suggests.
“Sound plan, Mullet, maybe you are good for something after all,” Lance teases him. That’s happened all day. They’ve teased each other back and forth to the point that Pidge, that’s right, Pidge has to step in.

The supermarket doesn’t have turkey slices like America does. They’re sold in packs of 4 slices for 2 euro, so the group opts for salami sandwiches with feta cheese and cheese flavored chips. They sit along a building’s steps to make sandwiches for lunch, and eat. “Allura! Allura, look! There’s a macaroon store!” Hunk nearly jumps for joy like a little kid when he spots the store. Allura goes in, and the rest of the group stays out.

“Bonjour! Comment çava?” an old lady approaches the group. Instead of saying “oh sorry we don’t speak French,” the group just stares confusedly at her. “Do you need help?” she asks, her accent thick, “are you waiting for something?” Matt nods, “My girlfriend is inside buying macaroons.” The lady thinks for a moment, then asks “Where are you from?” “The U.S.,” Shiro speaks slowly. “But where?” She asks again. “Indiana,” Lance says. “Oh. I have a home in Philadelphia,” Old Lady points out. “Oh Philly!” Shiro says politely. “I have to go. Goodbye!” Old Lady says, rushing off. “What a nice lady,” Keith says. “I’m glad she spoke English,” Pidge adds.

“I have to pee,” Lance so eloquently says, “We should find one of those street toilet things.” No one else says anything, but they all have their eyes peeled for a big gray room on the street. “There’s one,” Hunk shouts, pointing up the sidewalk. Lance runs ahead, yelling “Ladies first!” Allura and Pidge begrudgingly enter together. “It’s so dirty in here,” Pidge complains. “You’ll be fine. Just be fast.” The door closes, and the men wait outside.

“Hey, what do you think these lights are for?” Keith asks. The other three men look over where the pale man is pointing. There are four lights in a row on the side of the room, reading “open,” “in use,” “wash cycle,” and “out of order.” The four men watch as the lights go from “in use,” to “wash cycle,” to “out of order,” and the door opens, the girls storming out.

“So I was about to sit down to pee, right? And the toilet folds into the wall and water gushes out from the side of the room, getting our shoes all wet.” Allura says angrily. Pidge looks close to tears with how angry she is. “So that’s what those lights mean.” “I don’t understand what you just said and I don’t care. We’re not going to the Pantheon. I don’t care if you want to see it so badly, I’m not walking around with wet feet.”

The walk back to the car is silent. The drive home is nearly silent.

“Pidge, you’re on dinner duty, Shiro, Matt, you’re coming to get more groceries with me since no one wanted to stay for longer yesterday,” Allura announces, grabbing her keys, “Everyone else, don’t leave the apartment.” Pidge starts the oven, Hunk, Lance, and Keith are all on their respective laptops. “Hey guys, mi mamá is going to call soon, if you want to talk to her, get over here,” Lance commands from the leather couch. “Mamá McClain? Hells yeah!” Pidge shouts, running over to sit next to Lance. She’s closely followed by Hunk. Keith walks over and squats next to Pidge.

Within seconds of the Skype call ringtone, Rosalina McClain’s face appears on Lance’s screen. “¡Hola, Lance! ¿Como estas? ¿Estas bien? ¿Tienes hambre?”
“Mamá, mamá, estoy bien. ¿Es Keith, recuerda?”
“¡Hola Hunk, Pidge!”
“¡Hola Mamá McClain!”
“Hello Keith, I’m Rosalina, Lance’s mother. Remember me?”
“Oh, uh, yes! It’s nice seeing you again, Rosalina.”
“And you as well, Keith.”
“So Lance, mijo, how is it going?”
“It’s amazing, mamá. I still can’t believe that we’re here.”
“We miss you so much, but I’m glad we can video call.”
“I know. I miss you guys too.”

-

“Dinner’s ready!” Pidge calls from the kitchen. unsurprisingly, she’s made the precooked lasagna. “We got ice cream for dessert by the way,” Matt says, entering the kitchen. Dinner flies by as a huge conversation of the day’s events, which is continued over dessert. “I’m gonna hit the hay. I didn’t realize how late it was.”
“Goodnight, guys!”
“Hunk, I call top bunk!”
“dammit!”

Chapter Text

Pidgeot > eur-in for a treat

Pidgeot: Allura

Pidgeot: why the fuck do we have to be up so early

Allure: it is 11:30 in the morning, gremlin

Pidgeot: and?

Allure: so we DIDNT go to the eiffel tower yesterday. We’re going to today instead, and we’re gonna stop by the Arc of Triumph.

LancethePike: okay but like why this early

Allure: because everything closes in the middle of the day for naptime. Not the landmarks themselves, but if we want to get some food…

takashit: besides, you kids shouldn’t sleep the day away anyway.

Mathematics: breakfast is ready

Hunkules: what’re we having

Mathematics: eggs and toast. We have nutella.

kogayne: FUCK YEAH

LancethePike: Keith, buddy, my man, i appreciate the enthusiasm but it is too early in the morning for that.

Allure: again, like 11:45.

Pidgeot: shhhhhhhhhh

Hunkules: who’s on dish duty?

takashit: not it

Allure: not it

kogayne: not it

Mathematics: not it

Hunkules: not it

LancethePike: not it

Pidgeot: not i- god fucking dammit

LancethePike: (☞^o^) ☞

kogayne: sorry Pidge, you can’t be apart of the No Chore Club

takashit: Keith, you’re on laundry duty today

kogayne: FUCK

LancethePike: HAHAHAAAAA

Allure: Lance, you’re cleaning the bathroom

LancethePike: Allura don’t do this

Mathematics: Hunk, you get to clean the living room

Hunkules: so we all have chores and you guys don’t??

Mathematics: we’re cooking. I made breakfast, Shiro’s making lunch, and Allura’s making dinner.

Hunkules: speaking of lunch, what are we planning on for lunch

takashit: we have some leftover salami from sandwiches yesterday, so we’re having sandwiches TODAY

Pidgeot: wow I love diversity

kogane: ^^^

Mathematics: everyone Do Your Chores

kogayne: you’re not my real dad

takashit: Keith

LancethePike: who else read that in The Dad Voice™

Hunkules: me

Pidgeot: me

Keith: I did

takashit: dad voice?

Pidgeot: you know, the voice that you get when you’re being protective of Keith,,, or literally any of us.

takashit: you people are the reason I’m graying.

Mathematics: just do your jobs and come eat pls

Hunkules: coming dad, jeez

Pidgeot > Hunkules and takashit

Pidgeot named the chat Klance

takashit: what’s a klance

Hunkules: Keith and Lance, obviously

Hunkules: just like how you, Matt, and Allura are Shalluratt

Pidgeot: don’t you know literally anything?

Pidgeot: anyway, here’s some… data I’ve collected over the past few days.

[8 Photos from Pidgeot]

Pidgeot: we’ve gotta find a way to get those two together

takashit: I promised I wouldn’t pry into Keith’s personal life (more than i already have) though.

Pidgeot: sucks for you, I guess, we’re setting them up.

Hunkules added Allure and Mathematics to Klance

Allure: what’s this one for

Mathematics: …….

Mathematics: From the brief amount of information I get from the chat name, I’m intrigued. Explain.

[8 Photos from Pidgeot]

Pidgeot: we wanna set them up.

Allure: I’m on board, but how?

Hunkules: I have an idea.

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: who do you think they’re texting?

kogayne: well shiro only ever makes that face when he’s texting Allura and matt, and Pidge only ever looks like that when she’s plotting something.

LancethePike: I’m gonna ask Hunk. He is really bad at secrets.

LancethePike > Hunkules

LancethePike: is pidge texting you?

Hunkules: why?

LancethePike: no reason, just wondering

Hunkules: no, she’s not.

LancethePike: then what’re you doing on your phone

Hunkules: can a man not scroll through his instagram feed?

LancethePike: hmm, okay.

[LancethePike Screenshotted the Chat!]

LancethePike > kogayne

[Photo from LancethePike]

LancethePike: something’s going on

LancethePike: Hunk only ever checks his instagram for three reasons:
-he’s just posted something
-he’s shitting
-he can’t sleep

kogayne: how long have you known him again?

LancethePike: 11 years, not important

kogayne: okay, that’s an acceptable amount of time to know that

LancethePike: ANYWAY

LancethePike: they’re plotting something and I need to know what it is

LancethePike: the anticipation is eating my face

kogayne: maybe it’s not about us?

LancethePike: it’s obviously about us, we’re the only two not in the chat

LancethePike: i heard something about codeword Armadillos. Idk what that means though

kogayne: shit.

Pidgeot > eur-in for a treat

Pidgeot: i’m BOOOOREEED

LancethePike: me TOOOOO

kogayne: why are we just sitting here watching Allura paint

Allure: oh! You guys can take the car and do something, by no means do you have to say here and wait for me. I’ll text when I’m done.

Pidgeot: Armadillos?

Takashit: that’s okay, you don’t have to do that, I’m fine just watching you paint

LancethePike: okay whipped boy, we’re bored out of our fucking minds so we’re gonna take the car. Who’s coming?

Pidgeot: me

Hunkules: please me

kogayne: me

Mathematics: oh no

Mathematics: boyfriend and girlfriend or possible shenanigans?

Mathematics: this is the hardest choice of a lifetime

takashit: they’re gonna need some supervision. Care to go with them?

Mathematics: I PROMISE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE CUDDLES I HAVE WHEN WE GET HOME I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH AHH

LancethePike: you both are so whipped

Mathematics: stfu McClain

Mathematics: who all has their international licenses?

kogayne: me

Mathematics: anyone else?

LancethePike: I would if I’d gotten a longer notice

Hunkules: ^

Pidgeot: I deserve death for that, is that what you people think?

kogayne: I mean,,,,,,

Mathematics: I don’t even have my license in the U.S., so Keith you’re driving

Pidgeot: NO

Hunkules: um why not

Pidgeot: N O

LancethePike: what’s wrong with Keith driving

Pidgeot: the last time he drove me somewhere, he thought we were being followed by this car, so he DROVE OFF A FUCKING CLIFF to find out

LancethePike: WHAT THE FUCK

kogayne: the car was fine, there wasn’t a scratch. The Holts didn’t even know. Besides, it wasn’t a big cliff

Hunkules: HOW BIG /WAS/ IT

Kogayne: idk? Like 40 feet maybe?

Hunkules: CAN KEITH PLEASE NOT DRIVE

Hunkules: I HAVE A WEIRD STOMACH

LancethePike: WHO THE FUCK EVEN ARE YOU KEITH?

LancethePike: YOU’RE METAL AS FUCK

kogayne: I have my perks

Pidgeot: I almost DIED

takashit: you fucking WHAT

Hunkules: ooooo you’re in trouubleeee

Mathematics: is THAT what you were screaming about that day?

LancethePike: how long ago was this?

kogayne: uh like a week and a half ago?

Hunkules: we’re gonna fucking die

LancethePike: okay well would you rather sit here bored to death watching Allura paint or feel ALIVE while Keith drives?

Hunkules: hhhhhhhh-

Mathematics: i’m surprised Shiro hasnt said anything else

takashit: keith YORAK kogayne, how COULD you put your best friend’s life in danger? What if she had gotten hurt? WHAT IF SHE HAD DIED? If you crashed that car, you would’ve been paying for all of it out of pocket, buddy. That was so reckless and I cannot BELIEVE that you did that. As soon as we get home, you’re not driving for 6 months. This is ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE.

Mathematics: there it is

LancethePike: …..

LancethePike: YORAK?

Hunkules: PFFT HAHAHAHAAAA

kogayne: fuck

Pidgeot: oh look, its The Dad Voice™

Takashit: Keith, you’re grounded.

LancethePike: keith ~ -10,000 HP
Takashi Shirogane is Victorious!

Mathematics: aaanyway, losers, get in the car, we’re going out

Pidgeot: you’re coming out??

Hunkules: make sure Keith’s here, he’ll be clueless otherwise

kogayne: can’t you LET THAT GO

LancethePike: ahem

Pidgeot: no

Hunkules: oh no

LancethePike: LET IT GOOOO LET IT GOOOOO CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE

Mathematics: Keith what have you done

Pidgeot: you got him started

Hunkules: look what you made him do

LancethePike: AHEM

Pidgeot: HUNK

Hunkules: I FUCKED UP

Kogayne: S T O P

LancethePike: OOOH LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO, LOOK WHAT YOU JUST MADE ME DO LOOK WHAT YOU JUST MADE ME DO

kogayne: LANCE

Pidgeot: on second thought, Keith, go ahead and crash that car.

Hunkules: ^

Mathematics: I leave to go to the bathroom for 2 minutes

Mathematics: AND I MISS THE SONGS

LancethePike: I’ll start just for you

Mathematics: I’m so fucking honored

LancethePike: I dont like your little games

Mathematics: dont like your tilted stage

Pidgeot: fucking stop

LancethePike: Pidge you’re no fuuun.

Hunkules: are we gonna split up when we get there?

Pidgeot: Armadillos

Hunkules: because if so I’m going with Pidge to the nearest nerd store

Mathematics: I’m going with them

LancethePike: uh okay? Keith i guess we’re together

kogayne: cool w me

LancethePike: idk what you have to say, I’m going in the Ulta bc i need some more masks

kogane: doesn’t matter to me, i’m good with whatever

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: i have a long convoluted idea

kogayne: ?

LancethePike: so I finally got it out of Hunk that they think we’d make a good couple

LancethePike: so for the next week or so, we low key flirt and talk about each other to Hunk and Pidge respectively

LancethePike: and see how long it takes them to realize.

kogayne: …..

kogayne: i love it except for the fact that i don’t know how to flirt

LancethePike: leave it to me.

Hunkules > eur-in for a treat

Hunkules: let’s meet up in two hours at the staircase outside Ulta.

LancethePike: K

LancethePike > Hunkules

LancethePike: Hunk I have something important to tell you

Hunkules: are you okay?

LancethePike: so when we got to the eiffel tower, I was looking at the landscape and Keith and my eyes met and???????

LancethePike: I never realized how actually pretty he is????

[Hunkukes Screenshotted the Chat!]

Hunkules: why are you telling me this?

LancethePike: because i need consolation

LancethePike: his hair looks so soft and fluffy and I wanna feel his muscles and ahhhhhhhhh

Hunkules: ajxhshhxeejcjd

Hunkules: idk what to tell you man, sorry

Hunkules: you’re well on your way to being whipped af -Pidge

LancethePike: no i am not

Hunkules: mhmmmmm -Pidge

[LancethePike Screenshotted the Chat! x3]

LancethePike > kogayne

[3 Photos from LancethePike]

LancethePike: here’s the conversation, ik you’ve already read it but just in case you wanna keep tabs

Hunkules > eur-in for a treat

Hunkules: where are you guys

Hunkules: you’re like 10 minutes late

kogayne: Lance is having trouble finding the right mask for me

Pidgeot: YOURE DOING A MASK?

kogane: mhm

Pidgeot: i would’ve thought you would’ve turned that down on the spot

kogayne: “Self care is not a joke, Pidge.” -Lance

Pidgeot: okay then

kogane: we’ll be out soon.

Chapter Text

takashit > eur-in for a treat

takashit: hey guys breakfast.

kogayne: Shiro it’s too earlyyy

LancethePike: that’s what you get for finally going to bed at 4 AM

LancethePike: I, unlike you, am fully rested and ready for the day’s activities

Hunkules: you’re literally

Hunkules: the only one

Pidgeot: ^^

Mathematics: regardless, we still need to be up. this is our last full day in France, so we need a plan

Allure: lucky for you, I have one

takashit: you always have a plan

takashit: that’s why i love you

Mathematics: ^^^ <3

Allure: i love you too

Allure: anyway, here’s what we’re doing

Allure: we drive back into Paris today to see the Louvre and then we’ll stop by the Palace of Versailles for a few minutes because Pidge wanted to see that

Pidgeot: I’m interested in history

LancethePike: nerd

Pidgeot: fuck u

LancethePike: aren’t you ace tho

Pidgeot: semantics

Hunkules: that sounds good to me

kogayne: I’ll go anywhere as long as i have coffee this morning.

Pidgeot: ^^^

Mathematics: ^^^^^

takashit: that sounds wonderful, Llura

Allure: thanks, Kashi

Mathematics: why don’t i get a cute nickname

Allure: well,,,,, Matthew? it’s like the only option is matt

Mathematics. hrm

LancethePike: what’s for breakfast?

takashit: eggs and toast, as per usual

Hunkules: woah i never would’ve guessed

Pidgeot: I’m getting dressed. I don’t want to be left behind like I almost was yesterday.

Allure: i suggest you all follow in Pidge’s footsteps

Allure: if you hurry, we can be gone soon and spend more time looking at cool things

takashit: unbeatable logic, dearest

Allure: anyway, come eat. eggs are getting cold

LancethePike: coming MOM

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: okay so i’m confused

LancethePike: explain

kogayne: well,

kogayne: your plan from yesterday?

kogayne: i don’t understand

LancethePike: ohh okay so

LancethePike: I found out that the rest of the group was trying to get us together, so how about we pretend it works, just to get back at them. we just have to act like pining fools for a week or two and then if they don’t pick up on it, we’ll tell them

kogayne: ohhhhh

kogayne: okay, then!

kogayne: in that case, i’m gonna text shiro really quick

kogayne > takashit

kogayne: help

takashit: we are in the same room what is it that you could need that you can’t say out loud?

kogayne: Lance

takashit: okay??

kogayne: so at the mall he was so excited about his masks and stuff and honestly,,,,,

takashit: i’m on the edge of my seat keith

kogane: i might like him.

[takashit Screenshotted the Chat!]

takashit: how interesting

kogayne: but i know that he probably hates me so i can’t like him

takashit: this is an unexpected development

kogayne: are you going to help me or no

takashit: this is something you have to figure out on your own, buddy

kogayne: uuugh

[takashit Screenshotted the Chat!]

[kogayne Screenshotted the Chat! x2]

takashit > Klance

[2 Photos from takashit]

takashit: Keith just texted me this

Pidgeot: O.O

Hunkules: this is going smoother than I thought

Mathematics: ^^

Pidgeot: so Shiro, are you joining us or no?

takashit: hhhhhhhhh-

takashit: yes.

Allure: FANTASTIC!

kogayne > LancethePike

[2 Photos from kogayne]

kogayne: how’s this?

LancethePike: absolutely perfect

LancethePike: we’re gonna have them wrapped around our fingers

kogane: oh this is gonna be fun.

Mathematics > eur-in for a treat

Mathematics: Pidge wake Lance up

Pidgeot: why don’t you ask Keith to

kogayne: Shiro?

takashit: *whistling*

kogayne: SHIRO

takashit: i couldn’t help myself

kogayne: betrayed by my own brother

LancethePike: can y’all keep it down in the chat

LancethePike: I’m trying to sleep

Mathematics: look Keith, he speaks fluent Texan

kogayne: i hate all of you

Pidgeot: even Lance?

kogayne: okay uh bye

LancethePike: what’s your guys’ problem?

Hunkules: it’s not our problem, it’s Keith

LancethePike: oh okay.

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: nice one

kogane: huehuehue

LancethePike: did you just fucking meme at me

kogayne: maybeeee

[LancethePike Screenshotted the Chat!]

LancethePike > Hunkules

[Photo from LancethePike]

LancethePike: HE ISNT COMPLETELY HUMORLESS

LancethePike: THIS IS TRUE LOVE

Hunkules: woah slow down there buddy

LancethePike: Hunk you don’t understand

LancethePike: he MEMED at me

[Hunkules Screenshotted the Chat!]

Hunkules > Klance

[Photo from Hunkules]

Hunkukes: hmmmmmm

Pidgeot: this is gonna be interesting

Chapter Text

Allure > eur-in for a treat

Allure: if Matt woke you up like he was supposed to, you SHOULD be awake, so

Allure: it is 8:37 AM, and we’re leaving here at 10. Make sure you’ve had breakfast and have absolutely everything packed up.

Pidgeot: NOW can I complain about how it’s early?

Allure: would anything I say stop you

Pidgeot: no.

Pidgeot: it’s early as fuck why did you have to wake us up this early

Allure: would you rather have a 7 hour drive later?

kogayne: yes?????

Allure: okay, too bad, you’re not the one driving

kogayne: i could be

takashit: no

LancethePike: no

Pidgeot: no

Allure: there you have it folks, the majority says no!

kogayne: this is why i hate you guys

Pidgeot: hmmmm

LancethePike > Hunkules

LancethePike: do you think he actually hates me?

Hunkules: no, Lance

LancethePike: but i always pick fights with him

LancethePike: oh no and that one time when i stared right at his dick

LancethePike: fuck, he hates me doesn’t he

Hunkules: no??

Hunkules: I know for absolutely sure that he does not hate you

LancethePike: okay but how

Hunkules: call it a hunch

LancethePike: well then how are you absolutely sure?

Hunkules: uhhhh

LancethePike: anyway,, even if he doesn’t hate me there’s no way he’d LIKE me

LancethePike: he probably just,,, tolerates my presence

Hunkules: you’re killing me

LancethePike: why won’t you help me everrrrrr

Hunkules: becaaause

LancethePike: I thought you were trying to get us togetherrrrrr

Hunkules: i thought we weren’t gonna talk about it

LancethePike: yeah but i need HELP

LancethePike: i have to live with his soft looking hair and nice face and pretty eyes and muscly body for 4 whole months Hunk

LancethePike: I’ll go fucking insane

Hunkules: hhhhhhh you’ve got it bad

LancethePike: I will if you don’t HELP ME

Hunkules: what am I supposed to do?

LancethePike: idk?? Tell me it’s all in my head????

LancethePike: wait no, tell me he likes me too.

Hunkules: what if I’m lying

LancethePike: you’re not helping

Hunkules: well i don’t know what i’m supposed to do

LancethePike: ahhhhhhhhHHHHH

Hunkules: i’m sorry man????

LancethePike: ugh you’re no help

[Hunkukes Screenshotted the Chat! x3]

[LancethePike Screenshotted the Chat! x3]

kogayne > eur-in for a treat

kogane: GET ALLURA TO STOP

kogayne: NOW NOW NOW

kogane: PULL OVER TO THE SIDE IF THE ROAD N O W

takashit: what the fuck are you okay

kogayne: ILL FUCKING JUMP OUT OF THE CAR IF YOU DONT PULL OVER NOW.

Hunkules: OH MY GOD

Hunkules: YES SHIRO MAKE ALLURA STOP

takashit: KEITH WHAT ARE YOU DOING

kogayne: DO WE HAVE ROOM IN THE TRUNK?

takashit: FOR whAt

LancethePike: I’LL HELP YOU MOVE STUFF

Pidgeot: I’ll grab water

Hunkules: do you need my blanket?

kogayne: yes. Lance help me lift him into the car.

Mathematics: OH MY GOD IS HE OKAY?!

kogayne: I don’t know. I’m gonna sit in the back and take care of him

takashit: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT OH MY GOD

kogayne: there was a dog that got hit on the side of the road

Pidgeot: shiro where are the tupperware containers?

takashit: I’m helping you what the hell

takashit: in the cooler

Pidgeot: k

LancethePike > Hunkules

LancethePike: DID YOU SEE THAT

LancethePike: LOOK AT HOW SELFLESS HE IS

LancethePike: HES SO CARING

Hunkules: not again

LancethePike: HE THREATENED TO JUMP OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR TO SAVE THAT DOG

LancethePike: FUCK

LancethePike: LOOK AT HIM, CARING FOR THE LITTLE GUY AJXUSBXISJDIDHD

Hunkules: why am i not surprised that this is happening

LancethePike: sjxhsixhwuxjwjdi

LancethePike > MamaMcClain

LancethePike: Hi Mamá!

MamaMcClain: Hola, Lance. How is France?

LancethePike: it’s so amazing! The culture shock wasn’t that bad, though the jet lag is awful.

MamaMcClain: Are you having fun? You’re not doing drugs or drinking or anything, right?

LancethePike: no, Mamá.

LancethePike: you can trust me, and you can trust my friends. They’re good people. Oh! like today, Keith threatened to jump out of the car to save a dog that got hit by a car.

MamaMcClain: HE WHAT

LancethePike: he didn’t ACTUALLY jump out of the car. We all helped him put the dog in the trunk, and now he’s sitting in the backseat making sure he’s okay.

MamaMcClain: what’re you gonna do with it?

LancethePike: I dunno, but Keith’s taking an instant liking to him, so I have a feeling our trip of 7 is about to become a trip of 8.

MamaMcClain: just promise me you’ll take him to the vet. We don’t want you getting any diseases or anything

LancethePike: yes mamá.

LancethePike: Oh! also, Hunk told me that there’s a plot to get me and Keith together, so we’re pretending to like each other to trick them

LancethePike: we act all whipped to them, when in reality, we’re just bros bein bros.

MamaMcClain: mhmmmm

LancethePike: what?

MamaMcClain: I’m just suddenly aware that this whole conversation has been about Keith.

LancethePike: and Hunk too

MamaMcClain: hmm, okay then. You’re in the car, so where are you headed to now?

LancethePike: Italy.

MamaMcClain: oh! you’re done in France?

LancethePike: for now, yeah. We’re flying out of Paris, but until then, yes.

MamaMcClain: well okay then! We really miss you back home! Javier and Cloé are wondering where you’re at.

LancethePike: Tell them I miss them and love them too!

LancethePike: what’re you up to over there anyway?

MamaMcClain: well, since you helped us clean before you left, the house has been trashed at least twice, Cloé is always having friends over, Javier is running around in his swim trunks all the time. Mori visited with Lexi yesterday, and I’m just working.

LancethePike: sounds like it’s a busy house

MamaMcClain: oh yeah, but when is it not?

LancethePike: true true

MamaMcClain: I have to go, mijo. I have work in 15.

LancethePike: okay, mamá. It was nice to talk to you! I love you!

MamaMcClain: xoxo

kogayne > eur-in for a treat

[6 Photos from kogayne]

kogayne: look at this sweet boy

Hunkules: AWWWWW

LancethePike: AWWWWWWWWE

Pidgeot: what’re you naming him?

kogayne: I think Akira.

LancethePike: or you could name him Yorak after his daddy

kogayne: ……

Pidgeot: please tell me those are ‘im considering this’ dots and not ‘fuck Lance just found a kink’ dots

kogayne: it’s the first one

Pidgeot: oh thank god

Hunkules: *exhales heavily with relief*

LancethePike: let him choose!

LancethePike: when he wakes up, see which one he seems more excited about!

kogayne: not a bad idea, McClain

LancethePike: ;D

kogayne > TrashleeAsh

kogayne: hey Ashton!

TrashleeAsh: oh hey Keith! I heard that you’re in europe!

kogayne: yeah! I’m on my way to Pisa right now actually

TrashleeAsh: that’s so cool, good for you man! How’s it going? tell me all about it.

kogayne: well, I’m here with some irl friends. Allura decided to bring Matt and Shiro, and so they brought me and Pidge by extension. Pidge asked if she could bring two of her other friends, Lance and Hunk, so they’re here too. We flew into Paris and we spent a few days there, seeing the sights and such. Now we’re on our way to an Air Bnb (B&B?) halfway between Pisa and Paris.

TrashleeAsh: wow, it sounds like you’re having fun! how long are you staying in Pisa?

kogayne: I think Allura said a month? But I’m not sure.

kogayne: OH YEAH! I have two stories.

TrashleeAsh: do tell

kogayne: so first of all, Lance found out that our whole group ships him and me, so we’re pretending to be completely smitten to throw them off and make them suffer.

TrashleeAsh: that’s so bad, and yet I can totally see you doing that

kogayne: ASLO: today, we were driving, and I saw something on the side of the road, so I literally yelled at Shiro to pull over or else I’d jump out of the car, so we pulled over. There was a dog that got hit by a car, so Hunk got a blanket, Lance cleared space in the trunk and helped me get him in the car, and Pidge got him some water. He looks super sad, but here’s some pictures of him

[6 Photos from kogayne]

TrashleeAsh: THATS SO SAD ;( IM SO GLAD YOU SAVED HIM

TrashleeAsh: what are you gonna call him?

kogayne: it’s a tie between Akira and Yorak

kogayne: we’re gonna see which one he likes when he wakes up.

TrashleeAsh: is he okay though? like he isn’t gonna die or anything?

kogayne: from what I can tell, he just has a broken leg, though his tail looks a bit pathetic. We’re gonna see if we can take him to the vet tomorrow.

TrashleeAsh: ;(

kogayne: he should be fine, though. And I’m keeping him. I’ll buy my own crate and bring him back to the states, I don’t care, I love him

TrashleeAsh: he’s such a cutie oh my god

kogayne: i agree ahhhh

kogayne: so what’re you up to?

TrashleeAsh: nothing much, I’m spending the week in New Jersey with my cousins

kogayne: that’s fun!!

TrashleeAsh: well yeah, but my cousins bully me and make me feel awful about myself

kogayne: that’s NOT fun

TrashleeAsh: yeah, no, it’s not

TrashleeAsh: but I’m used to it by now, so it’s fine

kogayne: I’m sad for you now

TrashleeAsh: gotta blast, sorry, Keith!

kogayne: hey it’s no problem! message me when you can!

takashit > eur-in for a treat

takashit: so we’re a little lost, but it’s okay. I see a sign for a cool sled ride thing going down the mountain, so we’re gonna stop and do that.

LancethePike: ooo that sounds fun! I’m definitely doing that!

takashit: I suggest we all do it, but its partner rides

Pidgeot: Armadillos

Mathematics: Shiro

Pidgeot: Allura

Hunkules: and i guess that leaves me alone

LancethePike: I could go with you???

Hunkules: wouldnt you rather go with keith?

LancethePike: are you sure?

Hunkules: 100%

[Video from kogayne]

kogayne: here’s the video from our ride!

Allure: pile in, we’ll be at our place in 20

Mathematics: O.O

takashit: damn this place is nice af

kogayne: someone help me carry the pupper and his stuff inside. He’s still completely knocked out.

Hunkules: gotcha

LancethePike: I’m skipping out on dinner, I need sleep now.

Hunkules: ^^

Pidgeot: we didn’t have lunch too long ago, I’m gonna head on out.

Mathematics: gn guys

Chapter Text

Mathematics > eur-in for a treat

Mathematics: guess what we are having for breakfast!

Pidgeot: ugh what

Mathematics: the same thing we’ve had for the past week

Hunkules: I dont understand why you guys dont just let me cook for you

Mathematics: yeah, Allura why don’t we do that?

Allure: okay, fine. Hunk, would you like to make dinner tonight?

Hunkules: gladly. I’ll have to go to the store today, though. I’ve got many ideas…. Hmmmm

Hunkules: Lance, Triangle or Square?

LancethePike: Square

Hunkules: gotcha

kogayne: what did I just witness

Pidgeot: its how Hunk makes decisions. He assigns random objects to his choices and asks Lance. Lance then chooses randomly and he goes with that

kogayne: interesting…

Hunkules: it always works, for some reason. Like its always the better choice

LancethePike: i keep trying to tell yall I’m psychic

kogayne: I don’t believe that for two seconds

LancethePike: yeah well you have a gross mullet so your opinion is automatically invalid

Mathematics: ooo nice one Lance

Hunkules: Lance McClain, king of comebacks

LancethePike: hold your applause, really, oh you’re too kind

Mathematics: soo are we all just gonna sit here and let breakfast get cold orrrrr

takashit: get in here or you’re all grounded.

LancethePike: ugh DAD

Pidgeot: dont be LAME dad

takashit: I can’t believe I have to be the dad in this group

LancethePike: Allura is obviously the mom, but when she’s not here, Hunk is stand-in.

kogayne: and Matt is the cool uncle that lets the kids do whatever the fuck they want

Mathematics: (⌐■_■)

kogayne: Pidge is like,,, the cousin that everyone likes to hang out with but she thinks she’s too cool to be around them

LancethePike: uh wait thats me

Hunkules: who likes hanging out with you though

Pidgeot: armadillos

Hunkules: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Kogayne: wh

Pidgeot: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Mathematics: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

takashit: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

LancethePike: what the fuck is happening

Allure: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

kogayne: ALLURA NOT YOU TOO

LancethePike: so uh question

LancethePike: what the fuck

kogayne: what does Armadillos mean anyway

LancethePike: its an animal dumbass

kogayne: I know that, sack of shit, but its obviously code for something

LancethePike: I’m no sack of shit you piece of ass

Pidgeot: LERGVALWET

Hunkules: O.O

takashit: I’M CHOKING

Mathematics: pfffFFF

Allure: oh shit lmaoooo

LancethePike: i mean

LancethePike: uh

Pidgeot ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

kogayne: you know Pidge it would be really helpful if you stopped making the lenny face and instead explained

Hunkules: ignorance isn’t always bliss, let me just say

LancethePike: great, they’re gonna be speaking in riddles now

kogane: id rather have lenny. he doesn’t do me dirty like this

takashit: would you really have lenny as opposed to……. someone else?

kogayne: i don’t know what you’re talking about

Hunkules: what about you Lance?

Hunkules: lenny or, you know….

LancethePike: oH LOOK THE DOG IS BEING CUTE LETS FOCUS EVERYTHING ON HIM

Mathematics: hes asleep Lance

LancethePike: damn. he’s still cute though

Allure: who are we talking about now?

LancethePike: the dog??

LancethePike: Keith have you chosen his name yet?

kogayne: mmmmm no

kogayne: will you help me decide with the thing you and Hunk do?

LancethePike: gladly, chico lindo

Hunkules: I JUST CHOKED

kogayne: lance you know i don’t speak spanish

LancethePike: oh I know

Pidgeot: [screaming]

[Photo from Mathematics]

Mathematics: FIRST OF ALL LOOK AT HOW RED KEITH’S FACE IS

[Photo from Mathematics]

Mathematics: here, Keith, to save you to trouble of google translate

kogayne: ……..

LancethePike: shit

Pidgeot: [loudly munches popcorn]

Hunkules: [stares intensely]

LancethePike: uhhhhhh gotta blast

kogayne > takashit

kogayne: DID YOU-

kogayne: DID HE-

kogayne: DOES HE-

takashit: that’s okay, take your time

kogayne: DID YOU SEE WHAT JUST

takashit: yeah

kogayne: HE CALLED ME PRETTY BOY

kogayne: IN S P A N I S H

takashit: i don’t know if you remember but I lost my ARM not my EYES

takashit: silly guy

kogayne: i can’t process this

kogayne: i think i’m dying

takashit: you’re not dying Keith jesus christ

kogayne: are you sure because my pulse is going CRAZY

takashit: lay down

kogayne: why

takashit: because i don’t want you having an actual heart attack while we’re in italy

kogayne: oh but anytime else is fine

takashit: fuk u

kogayne:  you’re so eloquent

kogayne: back to the matter at hand

kogayne: HE THINKS IM PRETTY????

takashit: i’m saying this in the most brotherly way possible, but you’re not unattractive Keith

takashit: give yourself more credit

kogayne: I??? can’t???? breathe????

[takashit Screenshotted the Chat! x 4]

kogayne: don’t screenshot and run away

kogayne: i need ANSWERS

takashit: then go ask him yourself

kogayne: I CANT DO THAT

takashit: [stares into the camera like i’m Jim from the office]

kogayne: STOP STARING ST THE CAMERA AND GIVE ME ANSWERS

kogayne: AT*

takashit: i’m not gonna ask him for you. this is something you have to do on your own

kogayne: AHHHHHHHH

Hunkules > LancethePike

Hunkukes: holy shit dude i can’t believe you did that

LancethePike: is this what cardiac arrest feels like

Hunkules: woah chill out there buddy

LancethePike: I can’t believe i did that

Hunkukes: you’re very calm and that’s scaring me

LancethePike: I mean he was gonna find out one way or another, right? At least I can hide in the bedroom until the sun dies

Hunkules: well you’d better let us in to sleep or i will not be happy

LancethePike: I can’t do this

LancethePike: Hunk what if I just ruined our friendship

LancethePike: I have to live with him

Hunkukes: hey I promise you didn’t ruin your friendship

LancethePike: dinner’s gonna be so awkward tonight, and we have to drive tomorrow, and i have to sit next to him in the car, and ahhhhhhh

Hunkules: take some deep breaths there bud

LancethePike: why did I have to open my damn mouth

Hunkules: technically you didn’t

LancethePike: that is the opposite of helpful

Hunkules: okay well your friendship isn’t ruined and you’ll be laughing about i with your grandkids someday, okay?

LancethePike: w h a t

Hunkukes: shit, never mind

LancethePike: hm

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: ;)

LancethePike: this is so fun honestly

kogayne: damn i feel like they’re gonna hate us when they find out but it’ll be all good cause we’re gonna laugh our asses off

LancethePike: wanna test your acting skills?

kogayne: …..continue

LancethePike: I need you to flirt with me tonight at dinner

LancethePike: make it blatantly obvious, but still kinda lowkey so that I can pretend to not know what the fuck is going on

kogayne: this is fucking gold

LancethePike: I agree

LancethePike: oh yeah also do you wanna do the decision thing for the dog?

kogayne: oh yeah! uhhhh

kogayne: skeleton or zombie?

LancethePike: skeleton

kogayne: i’m gonna announce it to the group, don’t respond for a while tho cause we’re supposed to be awkward

LancethePike: okayyyy

kogayne > eur-in for a treat

kogayne: the dog’s name is, drumroll please

Pidgeot: [bangin on the table]

kogayne: thanks Pidge, his name is

kogayne: AKIRA!

Mathematics: THATS SUCH A GOOD NAME

Pidgeot: 10/10

takashit: b e a u t i f u l

Allure: a cute name for a cute boy

Hunkules: what a perfect name

LancethePike: yeah, that’s good!

kogayne: i think he likes it too

[Video from kogayne]

Hunkules: AWWWW

Allure: AHHHH

Mathematics: CUTE

Pidgeot: YESSSS

kogayne > takashit

kogayne: i’m gonna make it so obvious that i like Lance at dinner

takashit: inch resting

takashit: how so

kogayne: I’m gonna flirt

takashit: keith no

takashit: you’re so bad at flirting

kogayne: has that stopped me before

[takashit Screenshotted the Chat!]

takashit > Klance

takashit: Huston, we have a problem

[Photo from takashit]

Pidgeot: oh no

Mathematics: you know how Keith gets when he’s flirting

Hunkules: i don’t, but I’m ready to watch

Allure: oh no. Keith’s gonna make a complete fool of himself

Pidgeot: 20 bucks says Lance doesn’t realize he’s flirting

Hunkules: hmmmm

Mathematics: I’m willing to take that bet

takashit: me too

Hunkules: Pidge am I allowed to join your side

Pidgeot: gladly, Hunky

Allure: Best friends vs significant others

takashit: welcome to the winners side, babe

Hunkules: you forget that we’ve known Lance longest

Pidgeot: no changing sides

Pidgeot: guess who’s about to be 60€ richer

Hunkules: it’s us

Pidgeot > Klance

Pidgeot: that was the most painful thing i’ve ever had to watch

takashit: how was he so clueless the whole. damn. time.

Hunkukes: pay up hoes

Mathematics: this is why i have the “dont get into Pidge’s betting pools” rule

Allure: you were just in the betting pool

Mathematics: and? rules were made to be broken

takashit: uh yeah okay

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: how’d I do?

LancethePike: It took literally all of my self control not to explode into laughter

kogayne: that bad, huh?

LancethePike: it was so bad

kogayne: you’re gonna have to teach me how to be smooth

LancethePike: maybe I will :)

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: Brave is on Netflix

LancethePike: everyone get in here we’re watching it

Mathematics: if you had a chance to change your fate

LancethePike: WOULDJA

Pidgeot: WOULDJA

Mathematics: WOULDJA

takashit: i long for death

LancethePike: comeoncomeoncomeon

Allure: armadillos

Pidgeot: Lance it’s almost midnight

Mathematics: so???

Pidgeot: fine

LancethePike > Hunkukes

LancethePike: he sat right next to me why i thought i ruined our friendship

Hunkules: watch the damn movie

LancethePike: HELP

Hunkukes: what this time

LancethePike: he fell ASLEEP ON MY SHOULDER

LancethePike: what are yo- DONT TAKE A PICTURE

LancethePike: AT LEAST DONT USE FLASH

Hunkukes: oops

LancethePike: dammit

Allure > eur-in for a treat

Allure: gn gang

Chapter Text

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: yo I need some proof for Hunk that I talked to you about what happened yesterday so I’m gonna delete this message and, well, roll with this

kogayne: i’m gonna do the same

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: can we talk?

kogayne: uh, sure

LancethePike: I wanna apologize about yesterday

kogayne: oh! it’s okay, you don’t have to apologize

LancethePike: really? cause i feel like i ruined our friendship and stuff and i’m really sorry

LancethePike: sometimes i don’t think before i speak

LancethePike: text*

kogayne: it’s okay. It happens to the best of us.

LancethePike: are you sure we’re cool? If you wanna yell at me, you can go right ahead, I deserve it.

kogayne: hey, no. You don’t deserve to be yelled at. You’re such a great guy. You’re really funny and always there for everyone when they need it. You give really good hugs and your smile is really pretty and your eyes are so bright and sparkly and your skin looks really soft and clear and you look really good in everything you wear and you smell so good and

kogayne: wait

kogayne: shit

LancethePike: oh

LancethePike: oH

[LancethePike Screenshotted the Chat! x2]

[kogayne Screenshotted the Chat! x2]

kogayne > takashit

kogayne: I HECKED UP

kogayne: I HECKED UP SO BAD

takashit: you only say hecked when you’re really fucked or drunk

takashit: and seeing as it’s 8 AM I’m guessing it’s the first one

takashit: explain

[2 Photos from kogayne]

kogayne: I HECKED EVERYTHING UP SO BAD

takashit: Keith calm down

takashit: maybe he took it in a friendly way

kogayne: “and you look great in everything you wear and you smell so good” WHO WOULD TAKE THAT IN A FRIENDLY WAY

takashit: well i mean he didn’t realize you were flirting yesterday

kogayne: okay he may be a little slow but he’s not completely stupid, Shiro

takashit: right,,,, uhhhhh….

kogayne: didn’t you ever do this to Allura or Matt when you were crushing on them

kogayne: what did you do

takashit: i literally just combusted so that’s no help

kogayne: fuuuuuck

kogayne: i’m gonna text pidge, she knows him well.

takashit: good luck

kogayne: hhhhhhhh

[takashit Screenshotted the Chat! x2]

LancethePike > Hunkules

LancethePike: HUNK

LancethePike: ITS AN E M E R G E N C Y

Hunkules: what the fuck Lance

Hunkules: It’s 8 AM what

[2 Photos from LancethePike]

LancethePike: AHHHHH????

Hunkules: suddenly I’m wide awake

LancethePike: He????

Hunkules: this is very interesting

LancethePike: I???

LancethePike: How?????

LancethePike: WHAT???

Hunkules: okay, I’m gonna put this in terms that you can understand. He said that you’re hot and that he wants to make out

LancethePike: aixhshxhebdu no he absolutely did not

Hunkules: that’s what it looks like to me

LancethePike: what if he meant it in like a friendly way

Hunkules: nothing about that was friendly Lance

LancethePike: WHAT IF HES MOCKING ME

Hunkules: you’re gonna be the reason I start graying at 19

LancethePike: sixhsuxhwhxjwjdiidnd

LancethePike: if you need me I’ll be in the bathroom for the rest of my life

Hunkules: wait I gotta shower though

LancethePike: too bad m8

LancethePike: this is my territory now

Hunkules: Lance you’re overreacting

LancethePike: you know just as well as I that that isn’t something you should tell someone with anxiety

Hunkules: you’re right. I’m sorry

LancethePike: I’m sorry.. I’m just having trouble processing this

Hunkules: it’s a possibility that he likes you, dude

LancethePike: there’s no way

Hunkules: look at the texts and then reread what you just said.

LancethePike: do you think?

Hunkules: I do.

LancethePike: hhhhh thanks Hunk. I’m gonna go lay down.

Hunkules: remember to breathe

[Hunkules Screenshotted the Chat! x4]

kogayne > Pidgeot

kogayne: I’m gonna cut right to the chase

kogayne: I hecked up real bad and need help

Pidgeot: Keith it’s 8 in the motherfucking morning how have you already fucked something up

kogane: shut up and read the screenshots

[2 Photos from kogayne]

Pidgeot: DAMN KEITH

kogayne: i started rambling and i forgot that i was texting him

kogayne: so then after i sent it i remembered

kogayne: and had a fucking heart attack

Pidgeot: I can’t believe

Pidgeot: how is this better than your flirting

kogayne: if I were here to get made fun of I’d have asked

Pidgeot: right, sorry

kogayne: do you know what he’s saying

Pidgeot: he texts Hunk, not me

kogayne: damn

Pidgeot: I can’t help you, sorry

kogayne: ugh fine

[Pidgeot Saved 2 Photos]

[Pidgeot Screenshotted the Chat! x2]

Pidgeot > Klance

Pidgeot: HAVE YOU HEARD THE TEA

Allure: no?

Mathematics: SPILL IT PIGEON

Pidgeot: here’s the screenshots

[2 Photos from Pidgeot]

Pidgeot: and his conversation with me

[2 Photos from Pidgeot]

Mathematics: IXB USHXYSUSHD

Allure: W H I P P E D

takashit: here’s Keith’s conversation with me

[2 Photos from takashit]

Pidgeot: oh my gooood

Hunkules: holy shit

Hunkules: here’s how Lance reacted

[4 Photos from Hunkules]

Pidgeot: oh my god did he have a full on panic attack

Hunkules: not quite.

takashit: jesus christ

Allure: holy shiiiiit

Mathematics: I can’t believe

Pidgeot: that poor anxious boy

takashit: all he wanted was to apologize for flirting yesterday and this is what he gets

Pidgeot: poor Keith, too

Mathematics: yeah, he thinks he completely ruined things with Lance

Hunkukes: should I send him my screenshots or would that be an invasion of privacy?

Pidgeot: do it, and I’ll send Lance mine.

takashit: are you sure about this

Pidgeot: 100%

takashit: ….okay

Hunkules > kogayne

Hunkules: hey, Pidge told me you wanted to know what Lance said.

kogayne: holy shit does he hate me?

Hunkules: here.

[4 Photos from Hunkules]

kogayne: I don’t understand

kogayne: why did he panic

Hunkules: oh my god

Hunkules: are you that clueless

kogayne: no. I’m just trying not to get my hopes up

Hunkules: well you can now, buddy. I just confirmed things.

kogayne: hhhhhhhhhh

Hunkules: you’re welcome

Pidgeot > LancethePike

Pidgeot: here’s screenshots

[2 Photos from Pidgeot]

LancethePike: was he really worried about me?

Pidgeot: obviously

LancethePike: but why

Pidgeot: oh my god i don’t have patience for this

Pidgeot: he clearly likes you, you idiot.

LancethePike: do you really think so?

Pidgeot: yes

Pidgeot: so what are you gonna do about it?

LancethePike: uh

Pidgeot: repeat after me:

Pidgeot: ask him out

LancethePike: ask him o-WAIT

LancethePike: I CANT DO THAT

Pidgeot: yes you can, Lance. just text him and then throw your phone across the room so that you don’t look at it and then watch something on Netflix

Pidgeot: I’ll call you when I know when he texts back, okay?

LancethePike: okay.

Pidgeot: just breathe, got it?

LancethePike: okay.

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: uh hey

kogayne: oh! hi

LancethePike: so i was wondering

LancethePike: do you wanna go get dinner or something?

kogayne: just you and me?

LancethePike: yeah, that’s what I was thinking.

kogayne: …..

Pidgeot > LancethePike

[Call from Pidgeot 0:1:16]

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: I’m gonna delete this as soon as you see it but question. Is this part of the act?

LancethePike: if you want it to be, yes. We don’t even have to go do anything. We could just go for a drive or something. Or we could go get dinner, it’s about that time.

kogayne: k. Delete the messages.

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: I’d like that.

LancethePike: really? you’re not just saying that?

kogayne: no! I do. I want to go with you.

LancethePike: tonight? like 6 ish?

kogayne: I’ll drive ;)

LancethePike: don’t make me regret asking you

kogayne: you love my driving

LancethePike: mhmmmm

[LancethePike Screenshotted the Chat! x2]

[kogayne Screenshotted the Chat! x2]

LancethePike: okay but in all seriousness if you’re uncomfortable at any time with anything I’m doing, saying, or asking of you, tell me and I’ll stop. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable just because of a trick we’re playing on our friends.

kogayne: and the same goes for you. Thanks, Lance.

LancethePike: so what do you wanna do tonight on our date? ;P

kogayne: I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that…

kogayne: dinner sounds nice once we get to our new house.

LancethePike: Okay! I’ll find a nice Italian restaurant and treat you to the best dinner you’ve ever had. You’ll be REALLY falling for me in no time hahaha

kogayne: pfffff

kogayne: thanks, though. I bet I’ll enjoy it.

LancethePike: you’re about to get the whole Lancy Lance package. It’ll be the best date you’ve ever gone on

kogayne: well that’ll be easy

kogayne: I’ve never been on a date

LancethePike: WHAT

LancethePike: YOUR FIRST DATE IS GONNA BE A FAKE DATE

LancethePike: I FEEL BAD NOW

kogayne: no it’s okay!!

kogayne: It’d be better to be on a “date” with someone I know anyway

kogayne: at least conversation is easy for us. I wouldn’t be able to make conversation with any random guy.

LancethePike: just the perks of dating a friend

LancethePike “dating”

LancethePike: ;)

kogayne: is this how you’re gonna act from now on?

LancethePike: until we die

kogayne: well I’m looking forward to it lmao

LancethePike: go get yourself all prettied up for our date, chico lindo

kogayne: hmmm okay

LancethePike: I’m gonna teach you how to be the best dater ever

Mathematics > Klance

Mathematics: so we’re tailing them, right?

Hunkules: obviously

Allure: how are we going to follow them???

Allure: they’re planning on taking the car

Pidgeot: tell them that we might plan to do something later today and that we’ll need the car. Then they’ll uber.

Mathematics: that’s my genius sister

Pidgeot: (⌐■_■)

Allure: I’ll go tell Lance now.

~

Keith waits for Lance outside the bedroom, relieved that they’d only have to act for the time that they’re still in the house. “Hey Lance, Keith, I have something to ask!” Allura comes bounding into the room, a grin that Keith can’t quite place on her face. Lance pops his head out of the bathroom, toothbrush in his mouth. “Yeah?” He glances at Keith, turning momentarily red, before his head reenters the room. “So I was talking with the others, and they wanna do something later, so we’ll need the car. Can you Uber? I can give you money if you need it.” Her grin morphs into a hopeful look. Lance comes back out of the bedroom, dressed in a nice baseball tee and expensive-looking jeans. “Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it. Thanks for letting us know,” he says, pulling his bomber jacket on over his shirt. Allura nods eagerly, trotting happily off in the opposite direction.

“Hey there, chico lindo. You ready?” Lance looks at Keith with a sparkle in his eye. Keith blushes slightly, ducking his head to prepare himself for the night. “Let’s go wait outside, I’ll call the Uber.” The pair see Pidge and Hunk watching them from the living room. Lance turns around to see Shiro casually walking towards the living room, followed closely by Matt. All eyes are on the pair. “Have a good time, you two! Be safe!” Shiro calls, waving his prosthetic hand. “Use protection,” Pidge adds, snickering behind her hands. Keith turns immediately red at the thought, and Lance turns to face the group of people that had suddenly appeared in the living room. “Wow Pidge, thank you so much for that very vital reminder, we’ll remember,” he sneers, hand on his hip. Hunk looks as though he’s going to explode, and Matt has a wicked grin on his face. “Come on, Keith, let’s go,” the Cuban boy turns back to Keith.

The Uber is called not too long after the pair goes outside. They sit on the porch to wait and make casual conversation, all too aware of the 5 pairs of eyes watching them from the windows. “I have a feeling you’re gonna love this restaurant. It’s obviously Italian, but all the reviews on Yelp were really high. Also I’ve heard that the wine there is outstanding,” Lance states, adding a posh sound at the part about the wine, making Keith giggle. They heard a camera sound from inside, and Lance’s flirty grin turned into a grimace for only a moment before morphing back into his easy smirk.

Keith audibly sighs with relief when the Uber arrives. Lance stands up a little too quickly, too quickly, in fact, for his joints to catch up. He stumbles sideways, and falls, only to fall into Keith’s arms. There’s a camera click behind them. “Heh, nice catch,” Lance tries to regain his easygoing nature, whereas Keith, actor extraordinaire, blushes again and loosens his grip. The whole time, their Uber driver and their friends watch.

“Caio! My name is Ezor, and I’ll be driving you today. Let me just enter your address into my GPS and we’ll be on our way!” The boys’ driver is a girl around their age with peach-colored skin and long pink hair. She chews quietly on her gum as she enters the coordinates, then looks up at the pair with her beaming blue eyes. “Oh thank god,” Lance starts the conversation, “You’re the first person we’ve met who speaks fluent English. Makes it easier on us.” Keith didn’t realize he was holding his breath until he heard Ezor start talking. “Yeah, it wouldn’t be very fun riding in a car with someone who doesn’t speak a lick of English,” Keith offers, not really one for conversation. “So what brings you boys to Luca?” Ezor asks, pulling out of the drive. Keith thinks he sees the door move, but he’s not sure.

The restaurant that Lance chose is absolutely beautiful. There’s outdoor seating under a canopy of grapevines. There are fairy lights around the tables, which are decorated with hand-painted plates and glasses with a single candle in between them. “Woah. Lance, this is beautiful,” Keith gazes longingly at the restaurant. “How are we going to afford this?” “We? No, chico lindo, I. I’m paying,” Lance looks at Keith, something indescribable in his eyes. “What? No, I’m not about to let you drop a hundred euro on dinner!” Keith staggers backwards, eyes widening. “Babe, calm down. I checked the prices, and you forget, Italy is a really affordable country. Even if we get the most expensive things on the menu, the maximum total is like fifty euro,” Keith’s face reddens at Lance’s usage of pet names. “If you say so,” he says uneasily. “Its okay, Keith. I wouldn’t lie to you,” The tan boy looks at the paler with complete seriousness written on his face.

Lance puts his arm around Keith’s waist, then leans into him, brushing his hair away from his face. “Lance?” Keith whispers, eyes wide. “Yes?” Lance answers. “What the fuck are you doing?” The shorter boy doesn’t look offended, but his face is full of surprise. “We have company. I watched the gang pull in here. They’re tailing us.” Lance pulls away from Keith’s face, which is completely red at this point. “Are you kidding me? We have to keep up this charade all night? This is gonna be exhausting,” Keith says, blowing his bangs back out of his face. “Really, babe? I’m right here, you know. Besides, this is a great way to practice your dating skills,” Lance looks as though he’s almost pleading with the shorter boy as they make their way to the table.

They’re seated in a corner, where they can’t be seen by anyone except for one other table. Of course, five people that look suspiciously like their friends take the table. Great. Lance speaks low, face flirty, “Of course, they took the table over there. Don’t look too obviously, though, they’ll know we’re onto them.” Keith pulls his flirtiest face, even though they couldn’t see him. He has to get into character. “Okay, sounds good. So, how does this date thing work?” Lance pops a smirk, glancing in the direction of the other table. He rests his elbows on the table, placing his head on his knuckles. Keith laughs, “you look like a lovesick bastard.” “Well good, I’m doing all the right things, then. You’re not such a bad actor yourself.” Keith’s face falls for a split second, short enough for it to be easy to miss unless you’re staring right at him, which Lance is. He decides to file that away for later, and instead focusing on teaching Keith the basics of dating.

Meanwhile, at the other table, the conspirators are engaged in intense discussion. “What do you think they’re talking about?” Hunk asks, glancing over. He thinks he catches Lance’s eye, but he doesn’t say anything. “I don’t know, but holy shit, look at Lance’s face,” Pidge chortles, taking a peek at said boy’s face. “He looks like a lovesick puppy!” Matt snickers into his hand. “I think this is the most lovey face I’ve ever seen Lance pull… that’s saying something,” Hunk leans into the center of the table. “Wait. Do you think they know we’re here?” “Probably not.”

The dating duo finish their meal and Lance forks over his money. Keith ended up getting a basic chicken alfredo, and Lance got something with shrimp. There had been so much food, they both had to get to-go containers. Lance called their Uber and they hightailed it out of there in hopes that they’d shake the others off. It didn’t work. The Cuban boy glanced out of the rear windshield to see their car, following close behind. Wonderful.

“Where are we going?” Keith asked, tugging on Lance’s sleeve. “You’ll find out soon, babe. I grabbed something for you before we left the house,” The taller boy smiles sweetly at the man beside him, nearly forgetting about the act. He was having a genuinely good time. “So Ezor, you’ll never guess what we’re doing to trick our friends..” Lance starts telling the story, not letting himself go off on his previous train of thought. Keith smiles lightly, looking up at the tanned boy, telling his story with such enthusiasm. No. Stop it, Keith. He did this just for the prank, you can’t go and catch feelings. “Here’s your stop, good luck with the prank!” Ezor calls out before pulling away. Keith catches a glimpse of their car behind them, but pretends not to notice.

“Lance, take my hand. They’re here,” Keith whispers to him. The sun is just beginning to set over the horizon on the beach. There are people milling about, watching the sunset, and kids playing in the ocean. “Thanks for the best first date ever, Lance. You’re the best,” Keith says sheepishly. It makes Lance’s heart skip a beat until he remembers the prank. Keith is probably just talking about that, right? “It’s no problem. I’m having a great time. It’s a good way to get to know each other, y’know?” Keith nods, pulling himself closer to Lance. It was getting chilly near the water, and Keith had unfortunately forgotten to bring his jacket. Lance catches on quickly and stops them, pulling his hand away. “Lance? What are you-“ Keith is interrupted by his date throwing the bomber jacket over his shoulders. He smiles lightly, and Lance looks at him. He can’t take his eyes off. Keith looks so good in his jacket, with the sunset behind him and his stupid pretty hair blowing in the wind.

“Keith, I’m gonna do something. Tell me no if you’re not comfortable. Tell me no and I’ll stop, okay?” Lance’s face is dusted with pink, though whether from the sunset or his own blush, Keith will never know. He’s aware of their group of friends walking along the water beside them, but he doesn’t care. He can’t take his eyes off Lance, who keeps getting closer, and for some reason, Keith is getting closer too. “Tell me no, Keith,” Lance whispers, though his eyes are pleading him not to. “How about I say yes instead?” Keith’s breath ghosts along Lance’s face. Lance presses their foreheads together. “Are you sure?” His blue eyes scan Keith’s face for any sign of rejection. There’s none to be found. Keith watches his eyes, and how the sunset is reflected off of them. His eyes migrate down, to Lance’s pink lips. He closes the distance.

Keith knows that he’s made a huge mistake. His mind is changing Lance Lance Lance. He can’t get enough. He needs more. Just a brief pressing of their lips makes Keith swoon. Lance’s scent, Lance’s soft lips, Lance’s eyes, just Lance. Keith knows he shouldn’t be falling for him but he can’t stop himself any more. His eyes flutter closed and Lance shifts to keep their noses from bumping. Keith presses into him, hands roaming. Lance keeps one hand around the shorter man’s waist and brings the other up to his hair.

Lance is usually a man of precaution. Though he may not seem like it, he always makes sure everything is okay with everyone before continuing. He wasn’t even sure with himself before Keith closed the distance. Now he’s obsessed. He needs Keith’s lips, he needs his mouth. Lance takes control, swiping his tongue against Keith’s bottom lip. Keith gasps, whimpering as he widens his mouth, allowing Lance access. Lance moans quietly. He can’t stop. He can’t get enough. He really shouldn’t be doing this, but Keith is so damn delicious. He’d have to deal with the repercussions later, right now, he wants Keith and only Keith. He pulls away with a gasp, Keith’s eyes snapping open. “Fuck, you’re beautiful,” Lance blurts it out, turning instantly red. He hadn’t meant to say that. Keith’s hand finds his and he intertwines their fingers.

Keith hears footsteps behind him, followed by a loud “PIDGE NO!” and he already knows that he’s fucked up badly. Within moments, Pidge has attached herself to Lance’s back like a leech. Lance, now screaming, drops Keith’s hand to try to remove the gremlin clawing at his back. “Pidge, you blew our cover!” Matt storms over, whining. “How long have you guys been following us?” Keith huffs offendedly. There’s several moments of silence. “Well?” Keith asks, hands on his hips, tapping his toe. “Uh, all night…” Hunk admits quietly. “WHAT?” Lance screams, alarming a nearby woman. “Do you know what kind of invasion of privacy that is? What next, sending screenshots of private conversations?” Keith stomps his foot on the ground, face contorted in mock rage. There’s silence. “Oh my god, you’re kidding.”

All it takes is one look. The dating duo look at each other for two seconds and burst into uncontrollable laughter. The woman beside them stands up and walks away, muttering something about weirdos in Italian. “Wait… what?” Shiro looks confused, as does everyone else. “You- You should’ve seen your faces!- You were terrified!” Keith chokes out between waves of laughter, his head thrown back. “You thought Keith was gonna do bodily harm or something ohhhhh my god!” Lance is doubled over, arms wrapped around his stomach. Allura steps forward, hand in her hip, “Hi, yeah, ‘scuse me, but what the fuck?” “We knew you were following us the whole time,” Lance explains, wiping tears from his eyes. “You’re not sneaky,” Keith adds, still chuckling. “We didn’t care, though. This was our date, not yours, and we didn’t care if you followed us. For all we care, you could’ve come WITH us. Now take us home?”

Lance stands back up, arms still wrapped around his arms. “Lance, take your jacket ba-“ Keith starts to offer Lance his jacket back, but is interrupted with a finger on his lips. “uh uh, I don’t think so. I gave that to YOU, chico lindo, not for me.” “But it’s yours?” Keith looks innocent as all heck standing there in Lance’s jacket with sweater paws and wide, confused eyes. “Nope, that’s not how dates work. When given a jacket, you keep it forever until you die.” Pidge rolls her eyes. “Are y’all gonna become Shalluratt because I’m leaving if so.” “Party pooper,” teases Keith, lacing his fingers with Lance’s again.

The car ride is full of chatter, though no one is really sure who is talking to whom. When the group arrives back at the house, they call dibs on the beds. There’s a double bed for Shalluratt, three single beds, and a couch. “I call the couch,” Pidge yells upon entry, “That way I don’t have to deal with Klance’s gross gay.” The girl marches into the kitchen and opens the fridge, grabbing the liter of water and chugging the whole thing. “There’d better not be any Klance grossness happening in there, or else I’ll ground you all,” Shiro threatens, holding the hands of his partners and collapsing on the bed. “Pidge, first of all, you’re gayce so I don’t wanna hear anything, and second, that just sucks for you because you’ll have to be up when Allura starts cooking,” Keith calls after her, walking into the bedroom with Lance in tow.

“G’night Lance,” Keith places a kiss on his brow, then pulls him in for a real kiss. They keep it PG for poor Hunk. “Goodnight, chico lindo. I had fun tonight,” Lance answers, rolling over to his side. Keith crosses the room to his bed, pulling the blanket down and looking back at Lance. “Me too.”

Chapter Text

LancethePike > Hunkules

LancethePike: so

LancethePike: I have a huge problem

Hunkules: is this about Keith again?

LancethePike: when is it not?

Hunkules: you know you could text me just to say hi sometimes

LancethePike: Hunk we’re living together

Hunkules: your point being?

LancethePike: whatever

LancethePike: anyway, I did something and now I cant stop thinking about it

Hunkules: what is it? You didn’t do anything last night, did you? Come on dude, with me in the room??

LancethePike: WHAT? NO

Hunkules: oh thank god

LancethePike: so you were following me and Keith around, right?

Hunkules: yes.

LancethePike: and you saw everything we did?

Hunkules: …..yes?

LancethePike: so you saw what happened

Hunkules: Oh yeah! Pidge got a pic of it

LancethePike: WHAT

LancethePike: s e n d

[Photo from Hunkules]

LancethePike: bitch if it wasn’t nine in the morning I’d be driven to tears

LancethePike: that is the single most beautiful picture I’ve ever seen.

Hunkules: so uh what did you do

LancethePike: well is was technically his fault for being so fucking beautiful. He was cold so I put my jacket on him and he was all blushy. The sun was setting and the sky was pink and he had SWEATER PAWS HUNK

LancethePike: I couldn’t control myself

Hunkules: you didn’t do it without consent, did you?

Hunkules: because if he didn’t consent I’ll be very angry with you

LancethePike: No! Of course not!

LancethePike: I told him to tell me no. The only way I could’ve stopped myself is if he were to tell me to stop. But he didnt. That motherfucker said “what if I say yes instead?” and then he kissed me and now I’m hooked

LancethePike: I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop thinking about HIM

Hunkules: oh my god I just realized…

LancethePike: what

Hunkules: you were his first kiss

LancethePike: what? No way in hell is that possible

Hunkules: let me fish up the screenshot. This’ll take a while

LancethePike: hhhhhhhhh

LancethePike: how about I just ask him

[Photo from Hunkules]

LancethePike: oh my god oh my god oh my god

LancethePike: I was…. Oh shit

Hunkules: you all right buddy?

LancethePike: uno momento por favor

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: what the fuck keith

kogayne: what?

LancethePike: why didn’t you tell me I was your first kiss?

LancethePike: and for a fake date, nonetheless!

kogayne: it wasn’t vital information at the time

LancethePike: why did you let me kiss you? I can’t believe you let me take your first kiss

kogayne: calm down, Lance. You didn’t take anything from me, and don’t flatter yourself, I was the one that kissed you.

LancethePike: its all my fault

LancethePike: If I could learn how to control myself… goddammit

kogayne: Lance, listen, it’s okay. I swear, I don’t resent you for it.

LancethePike: but it was your FIRST KISS

LancethePike: and it wasn’t even a real date

kogayne: you were the one making sure it looked and felt exactly like a real date

LancethePike: it was my own shitty fault for getting the idea to trick everyone

kogayne: Lance, listen. It was consensual. We both consented. That means that it’s okay. If one of us hadn’t consented, it wouldn’t have been okay. Besides, at least I gave my first kiss to you, instead of some rando dude. I know that we’re friends and I plan to stay that way. It’s not guaranteed that I’ll be in a long lasting relationship with my first kiss or the person who I give my virginity to.

kogayne: I trust you, that’s why I let you kiss me. That’s why I kissed you.

LancethePike: how are you so okay with this?

kogayne: look at everything I said above

LancethePike: are you sure?

kogayne: i’ve never been more sure.

kogayne: and also, since we’re doing this whole charade, you can teach me how to kiss.

LancethePike: well, not to brag, but I /have/ been told that I’m a damn good kisser

kogayne: see? I promise that it’s okay and I’m not mad at you.

LancethePike: okay. Thanks Keith.

kogayne: no problem, Lance.

Hunkules > LancethePike

Hunkules: how’s it going?

LancethePike: he doesn’t hate me

LancethePike: this is the most relieved I’ve ever been

LancethePike: he was so sweet about it? He made sure that I knew that he consented and was okay with it.

Hunkules: i told you it was okay

LancethePike: I’m a boy with crippling anxiety I need reassurance.

Hunkules: I’m glad everything’s okay with you two. I’ve got to shower, but I’ll see you guys in the car.

LancethePike: see you then, thanks for everything Hunk! <3

Pidgeot > kogayne

[Photo from Pidgeot]

Pidgeot: I see you had a good time on your date last night

kogayne: obviously you saw, you were following us all evening

kogayne: the only way you could’ve been more obvious is if you had binoculars.

Pidgeot: rood af

kogayne: oh yes, I Am The Rude One

Pidgeot: stfu I was just sending you the picture of your gay

Pidgeot: I bet he’s a sucky kisser

kogayne: well according to google my heart is only supposed to stop beating if he’s The One so I think I’m in it for the long haul

kogayne: or it’s just because he’s my first kiss and that’s just how it feels.

Pidgeot: wow you’re really looking into this

kogayne: you know, he texted me earlier. He was freaking out

Pidgeot: when is he not

kogayne: he felt awful because he “took” my first kiss, and he looked like he was gonna panic if I didn’t say something

Pidgeot: so what did you say

kogayne: I told him that I gave it to him because I trust him and it was 100% consensual so it’s okay.

Pidgeot: hmm, and he’s really okay now?

kogayne: that’s what it seemed like.

Pidgeot: I’ll take your word for it

kogayne: he looks fine

[3 Photos from kogayne]

Pidgeot: am I gonna have to deal with this for the next forever?

kogayne: you sacrificed yourself so that I can be a happy gay

kogayne: if you’re lucky, I’ll talk to Shiro more than you

Pidgeot: please

Pidgeot: I already have to deal with Matt’s ramblings, I don’t need you on top of that

kogayne: we’ll scream at each other about how much we care about our significant others

Pidgeot: oh thank god

kogayne: but I do expect you, as my best friend, to send me every picture and video you take of us

Pidgeot: in exchange for you not screaming to me as much?

kogayne: i guess so

Pidgeot: you’ve got yourself a deal

Allure > eur-in for a treat

Allure: everyone, we’re leaving in 5 minutes. Make sure you’ve got everything.

Allure: start putting things in the car, we’re leaving in 3

Allure: last check, make sure there’s nothing else in the house. We’re leaving now.

Pidgeot: Daaaad, tell klance to stop cuddling in the backseat

Hunkules: okay wait should it be klance or leith?

LancethePike: klance obviously

kogayne: also uh we’re technically not a couple yet soooo

LancethePike: that’s true. When we get to Rome, I’m taking you on another date.

kogayne: why wont you let me take YOU on a date? I don’t want you spending all your money on me

LancethePike: because, chico lindo, I want to treat you.

kogayne: fine, but I’m taking you on the date after that one.

LancethePike: its a deal.

Pidgeot: yall pass me the aux cord

LancethePike: i don’t trust you

Pidgeot: stfu McClain at least I’m not gonna play memes

LancethePike: okay, bass boosted voice crack ocean man is a piece of art

Hunkules: [stares into the camera like I’m Jim from the Office]

LancethePike: fine, then how about some good old Beyonce?

kogayne: Beyonce is the leader of the illuminati, why would we listen to her?

LancethePike: YALL NEED TO GET A BETTER MUSIC TASTE

LancethePike: also how is Bey the leader of the illuminati?

kogayne: have you SEEN her fanbase? Also some of her lyrics?

LancethePike: give me one set of lyrics that points to her being the leader of the illuminati

kogayne: “My persuasion can build a nation, endless power, the love we can devour, you’ll do anything for me.” -Run the World (Girls)

LancethePike: holy shit

LancethePike: put that satisfied smirk away, mullet

kogayne: its not- its not a mullet

LancethePike: do you want me to bust out the photos again

kogayne: why did you take those anyway?

LancethePike: can a boy not take pictures of a hot guy?

Pidgeot: look at him, you broke him

LancethePike: oh nooooo
Hunkules: why would you do this, Lance

LancethePike: D:

takashit: guys have you heard about tanacon?

LancethePike: YES OMG

Hunkules: I feel so bad for everyone who went

Pidgeot: who /hasn’t/ heard about it

kogayne: what the fuck is tanacon

Pidgeot: and we have our answer

LancethePike: so you know Tana Mongoose from YouTube right

kogayne: the ‘he fucked me with a toothbrush’ girl?

takashit: the very same

Hunkules: so she got kicked out of Vidcon and she was super salty about it so she was like “I’m gonna make a convention thats bigger and better than vidcon and its gonna be free and its gonna be legendary.”

Hunkules: so she met up with this guy, Micheal, who is 21 and owns Good Times company that plans conventions and all that good stuff. They’re working together and stuff, but Tana keeps posting things online like “we’re gonna have goodie bags that are worth quadruple the ticket price!” like 3 weeks before the event. She also invites a bunch of different YouTubers to come, but get this, it’s the same days and times as Vidcon, and it’s hosted at a Marriott DOWN THE STREET

Hunkules: so it’s the day of, and people start coming to this Marriott that only fits 1,000 people inside. 1,000 people go inside and are packed in, but there’s no bag checks, no nothing. There are 4,000 more people standing outside for 5-8 H O U R S waiting to get in. They don’t have food or water and theyre getting sunburnt as heck

Hunkules: so then Tana is like “omg there are 20,000 people here (there was only 5,000) and they’re all trying to get inside and it’s chaos” so they have to cancel the event midway through the first day. There are people who paid $1,000 to go see people like Shane Dawson and his friends, but they were turned away without seeing them because someone screwed them over.

Hunkukes: Tana started pointing fingers at Micheal, but Micheal poured literally every cent into the event and it failed. After it was canceled, he was there until 2 AM looking at the venues and breaking down because he’s gonna lose everything, meanwhile, Tana is almost blackout drunk at a birthday party.

kogayne: omg

Pidgeot: yeah. It’s a lot. I’ll send you the link to the Shane Dawson series.

[Link from Pidgeot]

kogayne: thanks omg

Pidgeot: you got it

Mathematics > eur-in for a treat

Mathematics: allura told me to tell all you kids with your fancy earbuds that we’re gonna be there soon.

LancethePike: thanks Matt!

Mathematics: no prob

kogayne: ahhh i gotta shove everything back into my bag

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: hey, you okay? you look a bit down

LancethePike: who, me? yeah, I’m totally fine.

kogayne: if you say so

kogayne > TrashleeAsh

kogayne: so I might have a huuuuge problem

TrashleeAsh: is it like an “i’m in danger” problem or an “i’m anxious as hell” problem

kogayne: the last one

TrashleeAsh: okay spill

kogayne: so you know how Lance and I are pretending to be whipped for each other?

TrashleeAsh: oh no

kogayne: well he “flirted” with me the other day, then the next day he “tried to apologize” but i “flirted” with him so he asked me on a “date” so I said yes thinking that we’d act all whipped while at the house but then we could just relax as bros for the rest of the time but no

TrashleeAsh: oh no

kogayne: the others fucking tailed us so we had to be whipped all night. So he took me to the fanciest restaurant i’ve ever seen in Italy, but it was like cheap af, and he stole food off my plate and told me these ridiculous pickup lines but I laughed anyway because the others were at the table right next to ours (they’re not sneaky). Then he took me to the beach at sunset and biiiitcj

TrashleeAsh: OH NO

kogayne: I told him to hold my hand bc the others were still following us and I shivered like, once, so he put his jacket on me and started staring at me with the most whipped look i’ve ever seen, then he comes closer and is all like “tell me no and I’ll stop” and “tell me no, Keith,” so me, in the moment, puts our foreheads together and says “how about I say yes instead”

TrashleeAsh: KEITH YOU DIDNT

kogayne: so then I fucking kissed him, while wearing his jacket on the beach while the sun was setting behind us and now I’m catching feelings and I don’t know what to do

TrashleeAsh: KEITH

kogayne: I’M A GOOD “ACTOR”

kogayne: OH YEAH

kogayne: so then he texted me this morning, freaking out because he “took” my first kiss and I was like “dude it’s fine cause it’s consensual and i trust you” and he was like “hhhhhh” and i was like “besides, since we’re fake dating, you can teach me how to kiss really well so that all my boyfriends will be like ‘damn that’s a good kisser’” and now we’re in the back seat of the car cuddling and he looks sad and I Don’t Know What To Do

TrashleeAsh: this is going to be 0 help but dude you hecked up

kogayne: i hecked up so bad

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: hey there, chico lindo, who’re you texting?

kogayne: my internet friend, Ashton

LancethePike: ooo, tell them I said hi!

kogayne: will do.

[kogayne Screenshotted the Chat!]

kogayne > TrashleeAsh

[Photo from kogayne]

kogayne: he says hi

TrashleeAsh: what does chico lindo mean

kogayne: pretty boy

TrashleeAsh: shit man

kogayne: hhhhhhhh

kogayne: oh I gotta run, our host is here to show us the house

TrashleeAsh: have fun!!

takashit > eur-in for a treat

takashit: i like this house

Mathematics: Angelica is so nice too

takashit: ^^^

LancethePike: her son was kinda cute

kogayne: HEY WAIT

LancethePike: merely an observation, chico lindo

kogayne: it’d better be an observation

LancethePike: ;P

Allure: Matt, Shiro, you’re coming with me to get pizza. Angelica said there’s a place not far from here that sells it for 4€ apiece

Mathematics: hells yeah

takashit: don’t burn the house down while we’re gone

Pidgeot: I would never

Hunkules: o.o

Hunkules: Lance stop playing with the LED lights

LancethePike: but they change COLORS

kogayne: babe, but the remote down

LancethePike: ugh fine

LancethePike: Hunk stop sighing exasperatedly. I put down the remote because I wanted to, not just because a cute boy told me to

Pidgeot: whipped

Hunkules: you make me regret existing

LancethePike: wow what a hit at the ol self esteem there

Hunkules: sorry dude, that was a little harsh

kogayne: you think?

LancethePike: Keith come watch Adventure Time in Italian with me

kogayne: why

LancethePike: baaaaaabe

kogayne: coming

Pidgeot: so Hunk

Pidgeot: I brought my Nintendo Switch

Hunkules: BRING

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: hey goodnight, thanks again for the great time yesterday. I’ll never forget it

LancethePike: well what was I supposed to do? Go and let the opportunity to trick our friends go to waste?

kogayne: right.

kogayne: goodnight.

LancethePike: goodnight, chico lindo.

Chapter Text

Hunkules > eur-in for a treat

Hunkules: so I’m up for a snack

Hunkules: I have one question, though, because I know y’all old people sleep with your ringers on

Hunkules: why have you not thought to get anything for breakfast except for bread? I’ve tried every single combination of toast with the ingredients possible. I’ve had Nutella and cream cheese, Nutella and jelly, Nutella and butter, butter and jelly, butter/jelly, and Nutella, butter/jelly and cream cheese, butter/jelly and butter, butter/jelly and jelly, cream cheese and jelly, and cream cheese and butter. I’m SICK of toast

LancethePike: what the fuck how did you remember that

Hunkules: I didn’t, I used props to count how many mixes there’d be and then figured them out.

LancethePike: its like 4:30 AM? how and why? also go back to sleep? it’s basically the middle of the night?

Hunkules: do you hear something?

LancethePike: yes… it sounds like it’s coming from the bathroom?

Hunkules: do you want me to go check it out or do you want to

LancethePike: I’ll do it, I’m closer.

Hunkules: keep me posted.

LancethePike: wait a sec

LancethePike: Keith’s not in his bed

Hunkules: go get your mans Lance

LancethePike: stfu this is an important matter

Hunkules: what’s going on?

LancethePike: gimme a few

Hunkules: k

~

Lance throws back his covers, adjusting slowly to the feeling of being awake. His bare chest is met with the cool air outside of the blanket. There’s a whimpering, sniffly sound coming from the bathroom just down the hall, and Keith’s bed is unfortunately empty. The Cuban boy creeps down the hallway, his feet making a soft sticking sound on the floor. He reaches the door, and sure enough, there’s a choked sobbing coming from inside. He knocks.

“Keith, is that you?” Lance feels his eyebrows furrow with worry, his hand still in a knocking position, only inches from the door. “Lance?” Keith sniffles, turning his head to the door. He looks at his face in the mirror, eyes red and puffy, with tear marks streaking his cheeks. “Can I come in, Keith? I’m worried about you,” The tan boy doesn’t mean for the last part to slip out, but he can’t find it in himself to think about it. The only thing on his mind is the crying man just inside the door.

Keith considers his options. He could let Lance in and tell him why he’s crying, or he could tell him to go away and suffer by himself. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I want to make sure you’re okay.” The paler boy looks towards to door again, making a decision. It’s about time that Lance should know, especially if they’re fake dating. Shiro would be surprised if Keith doesn’t tell Lance. “C-come in,” Keith cringes at the way his voice cracks, but he doesn’t have time to mentally hate on himself, because Lance has thrown open the door and knelt beside his paler fake date.

Lance watches as Keith is overtaken by grief again and sees the tears that were residing in his eyes stream down his cheeks. “Keith, look at me, buddy. Look at me.” The Korean boy moves his head up, though his eyes are still downcast. “Come on, I need you to look at me, okay? You don’t have to worry about telling me what’s wrong, and you don’t need to worry about being embarrassed that I’m seeing you cry. It’s okay, I’m here to help you calm down, and if you need to talk, I’m here to listen. Please, Keith. Look at me, I’m trying to help you,” Lance can’t help but feel the absolute sorrow that Keith is radiating. The paler boy allows his eyes to gaze up at the kind face next to him.

He sighs, trying so hard to hold back his tears. He doesn’t want Lance seeing him like this. The only people he’s ever cried in front of are Shiro and Pidge, but now Lance is here. He has to mentally reassure himself that it’s okay, it’s just Lance, his friend and the guy that he’s fake dating. Lance walks on his knees so that he’s closer. He’s close enough now to touch Keith lightly on the arm, just to see how he’d react. When he sees that there’s no reaction, he brings his hand to cup Keith’s chin, wiping his tears away with a swipe of his thumb. “Keith, I need you to take two deep breaths with me, okay? Here we go, one-” Lance inhales deeply, the sound followed by a shaky inhale from Keith. They sigh together, Keith shaking slightly. “-two,” the pair repeats the action. “Now you don’t have to, just tell me no if you don’t want to, but do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Keith nods, taking another shaky breath before opening his mouth.

Keith turns to face Lance and readjusts his sitting position to something a bit more comfortable. Lance follows suit. “I left my knife at the house in Aosta. You know, the mountain village with the sled thing?” Lance nods, staying silent. He lifts one of his arms to reach out and grab Keith’s. “I know it’s weird, so before you’re all like ‘why the fuck is he crying over a knife’ let me explain.” Keith’s voice is less shaky now, though his eyes are still so sorrowful. “My father left before I was born. My mother struggled to raise me alone, and she got sick. She was so depressed and upset because she was ill and couldn’t go into work, so we were hungry for a while, and one day she just died. She knew it was going to happen sooner or later, so she left me a knife. I got put into foster care, but people were scared to foster me because I wouldn’t ever part with my knife. How could I? It was the last thing from my mother that I had, and I left it somewhere and now-“ a choked sob rips its way through Keith’s throat, the tears he’s so desperately been holding back sliding down his cheeks. “Hey hey hey, it’s okay, Keith. We’re gonna get it back, okay? Tomorrow let’s ask Allura to message Andreo to see if he can ship it here, sound good? Come on, Keith, deep breaths,” Lance wraps his arms around the smaller boy’s frame and pulls him in close, letting him rest his head on his chest. Keith sobs, curling up against the bigger man.

They sit like that for a long time, Keith crying so hard he’s shaking while Lance rocks him gently and whispers consolations. They sit for so long, in fact, that Shiro comes in, looking worried as all hell. “Keith? Are you okay? What’s going on?” The man looks tired, though it could just be the worried creases on his forehead. “He left his knife in Aosta,” Lance says, rubbing soothing circles on the crying man’s back. “Oh my god, Keith, I’m so sorry. We’re gonna get it back, I swear. I know how important that knife is to you,” Shiro stands up solemnly, smiling gently at Lance.

“Let’s get you two somewhere more comfortable and clean, sitting in the bathroom floor isn’t very sanitary. Keith, do you want to go to the living room or the bedroom?” The mentioned boy takes a deep, shaky breath and wipes the tears from his face. He stands, carefully, with the help of the two other men, then walks into the living room, where Allura is making herself some breakfast. The others follow far behind, having a short conversation to themselves. “How much did he tell you?” Shiro asks, not breaking eye contact. “He told me all about his mom and the knife, but that’s it besides some of the trouble he had in foster care,” Lance replies, a grievous look upon his face. “Okay. I know you wouldn’t, but please, don’t tease him about it. I know you two do the teasing game or whatever, but don’t take it too far. I won’t be very happy if you hurt him.” Lance nods, arriving in the living room.

“Allura? I have a favor to ask,” Keith says, his voice cracking. “Yeah what’s u-HOLY SHIT!” Allura turns, and upon seeing Keith’s tear streaked, sleep deprived face, blasphemes. “Are you okay, Keith?”
“I’m fine. I just need you to text Andreo and ask him if he found my knife in the bedroom in Aosta.”
“You left your knife? Oh my goodness, are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, Lance helped me. I just really want to know it’s okay.”
“I’ll message him now, but you need to go get some rest. How long have you been up?”
“What time is it?”
“8:34”
“Four hours.”
“Go get some sleep, Keith. We’ll wake you later, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks Allura.”

Keith leaves the room with Lance in tow. Both are in dire need of sleep, so they head back to the bedroom. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?” Lance asks, grabbing his arm. Keith considers his answer for a moment, then blushes. “Uh, would it be okay if you, uh, well-“
“Do you want me to cuddle you?” Lance thinks to himself about how this would be the perfect time to make fun of him if they were in any other situation. “Yes please?” Keith blushes even further, ducking his head. “Come on, mullet,” The tan boy didn’t mean for it to sound that affectionate, but he thinks it sounds better that way.

Chapter Text

Mathematics > eur-in for a treat

Mathematics: yo where’s klance? I haven’t seen them all morning?

takashit: they’ve had a rough night.

Mathematics: are they okay?

Allure: they’ll be fine, just make sure you don’t talk about it too much.

Allure: I’m gonna watch the time and wake them up at noon. Be nice, you guys

Pidgeot: I’m always nice, idk what you’re talking about

Hunkules: weren’t you the one who started scheming

Pidgeot: HUNK

Hunkules: what?

Allure: ahem.

Hunkules: oh,,, OH

Hunkules: oh god that was very stupid of me.

Pidgeot: its okay Hunk, we understand that sometimes you can be a tiny bit slow.

Hunkules: you wound me

Pidgeot > Klance

Pidgeot: so I snuck into the room and

[3 Photos from Pidgeot]

Hunkules: BODY ! PILLOW ! LANCE !

Mathematics: LITTLE ! SPOON ! KEITH !

takashit: this is the answer to a question I never asked

Pidgeot: shiro that’s kinda weird

takashit: okay well haven’t you ever wondered what position your brother would be in

Mathematics: shIRO YOU COULD’VE PHRASED THAT SO MUCH BETTER

Pidgeot: ADFKJAEHFIH

Pidgeot: SHIRO

takashit: I LONG FOR INSTANT DEATH

Allure: KASHI LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID

takashit: AEFNAEFJAKGE

Hunkules: i’m back what’d i miss

Hunkules: TAKASHI SHIROGANE

takashit: hhhhhhhh

Allure: okay okay okay so anyway

Allure > eur-in for a treat

Allure: we don’t have anything super exciting planned today so what do you want to do? Suggestions pls

kogayne: isn’t there an art museum somewhere around here?

Pidgeot: really? Art museums?

[Photo from LancethePike]

LancethePike: someone put a pair of glasses on the floor and everyone thought it was art

Pidgeot: exactly

Hunkules: I think it’d be relaxing, y’know? It’d give us time to process that we’re in Italy.

LancethePike: my ADHD self can’t handle an art museum

LancethePike: art museum = literally sitting and staring at a wall to me

kogayne: oh so as soon as the artist wants to go to an art museum everyone’s against it

LancethePike: artist?

LancethePike: who’s an artist? Hunk, have you been lying to me?

Hunkules: did you not know Keith is an artist?

LancethePike: wh

LancethePike: what

kogayne: I sketch things all the time, have you never seen me contorting my back over my sketchbook?

LancethePike: well I mean

LancethePike: I thought it was like a journal or something

LancethePike: I don’t know what you do in your free time

Pidgeot: well now that we’ve recognized that Keith is an artist, are we going to the museum?

LancethePike: im seriously sorry but I cannot go. Like I can’t physically bring myself to get in the car.

LancethePike: y’all go and I’ll stay here

Hunkules: no dude, I know you hate being left alone, I’ll stay with you

LancethePike: no.

LancethePike: you wanna go, so go. I’ll be fine. I can roam around town, get a cappuccino, go shopping, sit in the park, something like that

Hunkules: are you sure?

Allure: I can stay with you, I’m not very interested in the art museum either.

LancethePike: really?

Allure: sure! We can spend some time getting to know each other better.

Allure: is that cool with everyone else?

kogayne: sure

LancethePike: is that a “im disappointed” sure or a “im busy so i can’t type much” sure

kogayne: last one

LancethePike: oh thank god

Hunkules: yeah, I’m good with that, thanks for offering to stay with him, Allura.

Allure: no problem!

Pidgeot: i call the backseat, then. Keith you’re in the middle

kogayne: hey wait

Pidgeot: ha fuck you

kogayne: HEY WAIT

takashit: a nice relaxing day watching my baby brother stare at art? I’m down

Pidgeot: Shiro you’re just on a creepy roll today

takashit: no I mean because he’s so passionate about it and watching him look at something he loves is so nice for me

LancethePike: less creepy but still, think before you type, dude

takashit: oh fuck you

Pidgeot: GASP

Pidgeot: DAD SAID A BAD WORD

Hunkules: AHHH BAD WORD

Mathematics: TAKASHI WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING THE KIDS

Allure: I’LL WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP

LancethePike: ha fuck you Shiro

takashit: oh what, he doesn’t get in trouble?

Allure: he’s cool

LancethePike: ha

takashit: okay but really we gotta go kiddos, get your breakfast, get dressed, you gotta look nice because art museum people are judgey and snooty.

LancethePike: I get to stay in bed and yall have to get up ha ha haaaaa

kogayne: shut it Lance

LancethePike: I’m just hanging the fact that I’m better than you over your head

kogayne: fuck you

LancethePike: at least buy me dinner first!

LancethePike: seriously though, as much as I’d love to snuggle you forever, Shiro would come kick you out himself.

kogayne: but

kogayne: you’re warm

LancethePike: come on chico lindo, get your cute butt out of bed.

[Pidgeot Screenshotted the Chat!]

LancethePike: i forgot that we were not in our private messages

LancethePike: GUYS LOOK AT KEITH’S FACE

[2 Photos from LancethePike]

Mathematics: KEITH YOUR FACE IS SO RED

Pidgeot: AJFLAEAEW HAHAHA

takashit: pffft

kogayne: fuck you lance I’m gonna get up and bring the blanket with me

LancethePike: that’s what you think

LancethePike: hahaaa

kogayne: Lance let me up

LancethePike: mmmmm no

kogayne: LANCE

kogayne: you’re the one who told me to get up in the first place

LancethePike: you lost your chance, you’re here forever now

[3 Photos and 1 Video from Pidgeot]

LancethePike: PIDGE

kogayne: INVASION OF PRIVACY?

LancethePike: move babe, i gotta get her

kogayne: thank god I can get up now

kogayne: oh shit its cooooold

takashit: it’s like 85 degrees what?

kogayne: Lance is so warm though

Pidgeot: lance no

kogayne: get her, babe

Pidgeot: LANCE GET THE FUCK OFF ME

LancethePike: nope, this is what you get for invading our privacy

LancethePike: what if we were naked? I don’t want my pseudo little sister seeing my dick

Pidgeot: okay well even if you were naked, you were under the blanket. I don’t know how, its hot as balls

LancethePike: we could’ve been fucking and you would’ve watched

LancethePike: creep

kogayne: LANCE

Pidgeot: you were texting.

Pidgeot: how could you be texting and fucking at the same time

LancethePike: dexterous fingers ;)

Mathematics: Hunk and I are ready yall

Pidgeot: EW LANCE

kogayne: WHAT

kogayne: Lance i’m gonna need you to stfu

kogayne: I’m still getting dressed

LancethePike: I’m not going with you guys but I should probably get dressed too

Hunkules: you and I both know why you said that

LancethePike: shhh Hunk don’t blow my cover

LancethePike: keith im coming in

Hunkules: how much you wanna bet he’s not even getting dressed

Pidgeot: my guess is he’s staring at Keith’s ass

Hunkules: prob

LancethePike: uh rude

LancethePike: I am, as a matter of fact, getting dressed

kogayne: nah hes staring at my ass

Hunkules: EXPOSED BY YOUR OWN BOYFRIEND

LancethePike: adgarehFui

kogayne: uhhhhhhh

Hunkules: what’d I say

LancethePike: dude we’re technically not in a relationship yet

LancethePike: just dating

Hunkules: oh my god

Pidgeot: I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING

Pidgeot: THAT SOUNDED SO SERIOUS

kogayne: hes right though

[Photo from Pidgeot]

Pidgeot: YOU’RE LOOKING AT THE CAMERA LIKE JIM FROM THE OFFICE I CAN’T BREAHET

Hunkules: PPPPFFFFFF

takashit: Keith and Pidge can you hurry the fuck up

kogayne: I’m trying but Pidge is taking pictures of me changing

kogayne: shes being a creeper

Pidgeot: How Could You Have Phrased It Any Weirder

takashit: I don’t care, just move your asses, we’re leaving in 3

[Photo from Pidgeot]

Pidgeot: “Have a good day, chico lindo. I’ll be thinking about you all day,”

Pidgeot: LANCE OH MY FUCKING GOD

LancethePike: I’LL COME ATTACK YOUR GREMLIN ASS AGAIN IF YOU DON’T GET DRESSED NOW

takashit: I’ll do it for him. Move it kid

Pidgeot: you guys are no fun

LancethePike: I just want a moment of peace where I can talk to Keith

Hunkules: talk to is code for kiss

Hunkules: I’ve been friends with you for almost 12 years, I should know

LancethePike: I’m just not gonna read or answer the chat

Pidgeot: have fun sucking face

takashit: keith lets GO we’re leaving in 30 seconds

Hunkules: I’ll go get him

[Video from Hunkules]

Hunkules: who was right? I was right.

Pidgeot: okay but who was wrong? We all know that Lance only went in there to stare at Keith’s ass and then suck face

LancethePike: thanks for that vid Hunk

kogayne: I appreciate it

[kogayne Saved a Video]

[LancethePike Saved a Video]

Pidgeot: disGUSTING

takashit: Keith. I swear to GOD i will leave you here

LancethePike: I’d be down for that

kogayne: get your panties out of a twist Shiro, I’m coming, jesus.

Allure > LancethePike

Allure: so what do you want to do today?

LancethePike: uhhh

LancethePike: I’m gonna need me a coffee, and then uhhhhh you can pick what to do next

Allure: well I know that there’s like 4 gelatariums on just this street, so we can get some gelato and then go back to the flat or maybe chill in the park

LancethePike: perfect omg

Allure: for now, get dressed, we going to the Husky Cafe cause you know that they have the best cappuccinos in town

LancethePike: yes omgggg

LancethePike: I’ll be ready in 10

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: so i have a question

LancethePike: yeah?

kogayne: how far do you want to take the fake dating thing?

LancethePike: what do you mean?

LancethePike: like we’ll go until someone figures it out or the end of the trip or something

kogayne: no that’s,,,, not what i meant

LancethePike: ??

kogayne: like physically to keep up the act, how far?

LancethePike: well we’re obviously not gonna fuck

kogayne: duh

LancethePike: i think as far as physical intimacy goes, making out, cuddling, sleeping together (not /sleeping/ together), hand holding, that type of ish

kogayne: so all the soft parts

LancethePike: yeah, if that’s okay with you. Just tell me your boundaries and we’ll go with that

kogayne: no no that’s okay, what you said

LancethePike: are you sure?

kogayne: 100%

LancethePike: okay then ^^ have fun at the art museum!

kogayne: and you have fun with Allura

LancethePike: will do

LancethePike > Allure

LancethePike: continue our convo here bc the others are back

Allure: wait okay so let me get this straight

LancethePike: lol

Allure: you and Keith aren’t actually a thing?

LancethePike: technically no. We’re faking it because of your guys’ Armadillo thing (Hunk told me) but the problem is I /think/ i’m falling

Allure: oh my god

LancethePike: but you can’t tell a single soul

LancethePike: don’t even tell Keith that I told you

Allure: oh my god

LancethePike: please please please can i trust you?

Allure: y e s

Allure: you two are good actors omg

LancethePike: i’m not really acting much honestly

Allure: Ahhh it’s so CUTE

LancethePike: STOP SMILING

LancethePike: someone will ask and i’m not up for that

Allure: ahem, okay. okay okay okay no smiles. okay.

Mathematics > eur-in for a treat

Mathematics: so I, an Italian, who also SPEAKS Italian found out that today the town is hosting a really cool music festival for the next three days. It starts tonight and we have to go

Pidgeot: it’s like 2 pm and it doesn’t start until 10 pm

takashit: well, our host was telling me about a lake around here somewhere. I bet if Allura messaged her we can get directions.

Mathematics: SUIT UP KIDDOS

LancethePike: oOOOOH YEAH BOI

Pidgeot: Matt did you bring our sunscreen

Mathematics: ……..

Pidgeot: MATTHEW

kogayne: I’ve got some don’t worry

Mathematics: see? I knew that Keith would bring some so I didn’t

Hunkules: you’re supposed to be a responsible adult, Matt

Mathematics: WHAT ARE THESE WORDS YOURE SAYING

Pidgeot: do you all see what i have to deal with

takashit: try dating him

Pidgeot: Id rather not thanks

Allure: pffffft

LancethePike: l m a o

kogayne: why am I the only one ready

LancethePike: AHH IM COMING

Pidgeot: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

takashit: Pidge you’re fucking grounded

Pidgeot: fuk u old man

Mathematics: gladly

Hunkules: I Have Many Regrets

Allure: why did i think this trip was a good idea again?

kogayne: i have no idea but it’s not. It’s a terrible idea.

Allure: agreed.

LancethePike: Lance McClain is beach ready

kogayne: baby, it’s a lake

LancethePike: and? Lakes have beaches too, don’t discriminate

kogayne: s i g h

takashit: asses in the car in 5. move it kids.

LancethePike: what is with Shiro and rushing things today

takashit: i’m tired of waiting on your lazy ass

LancethePike: I’m one of the 5 people ready

Hunkules: uh question…. where are the girls?

Pidgeot: Allura’s having trouble with her bikini. I’m helping her.

takashit: 1 minute

Pidgeot: okay okay chill out

LancethePike: hhhhhhh

takashit: we’re gonna wait in the car.

Allure > The Adults™

Allure: kashi, are you okay?

takashit: I’m fine

Allure: you know i don’t believe that for a second.

Allure: oh no.

Allure: it’s the 18th.

Mathematics: that’s why Keith requested we go to an art museum.

Allure: kashi, we don’t have to go the the lake, we can stay here and let you recuperate.

takashit: Guys, seriously, I’ll be fine. Let’s just go have fun.

Allure: okay, but I’m not leaving your side.

Mathematics: ^

takashit: thank you.

takashit: i love you two

Allure: i love you too

Mathematics: i love you too kashi.

Hunkules > Klance

Hunkules: look at those two

Hunkules: like honestly they’re kind couple goals

Pidgeot: but they’re “not together” yet, remember?

Hunkules: i don’t give a damn

Allure: hey wait what about us?!. I thought we were couple goals.

Pidgeot: okay yeah but like first of all you’re not a couple, second, they’re playing with the dog in the water and giving each other THAT look

Hunkules: which look?

Pidgeot: the “i’m so gay for you” look

Hunkules: ohhhh

Mathematics > LancethePike

Mathematics: so you prob don’t know what this means, but it’s July 18th, so be gentle with Keith and Shiro even though the day’s almost over

LancethePike: okay.

takashit > eur-in for a treat

takashit: what do you want for dinner?

Pidgeot: can we get pizza

Mathematics: ^

LancethePike: ^

Hunkules: ^

takashit: Keith we’re getting pizza

kogayne: k.

Mathematics: I’m excited for this festival!

LancethePike: woah, literally the entire town is already out here

kogayne: that’s a lot of people

takashit: Keith, do you wanna come back to the flat when we’re done with pizza?

kogayne: yes please

LancethePike: you’re not coming to the festival?

Pidgeot: Lance

Pidgeot: let them be

LancethePike: uh okay

Hunkules: why?

Mathematics: don’t push it

Hunkules: okayyyy?

LancethePike: okay pizza then party time

Chapter Text

ShayButter > Hunkules

ShayButter: Hey Hunk!

Hunkules: Shay! Hey, how’s it going?

ShayButter: not bad! I moved in with my dad, hopefully it’s better than when i lived with my mom

Hunkules: oh I hope so, I know you weren’t really happy there.

ShayButter: it wasn’t the best, but i’m here now and hoping for better.

Hunkules: i’m so glad!

ShayButter: so where are you now? You haven’t posted on instagram much and your snapchat story is always blank. I wanna be kept in the loop!

Hunkules: Of course! We’re in a small town in Italy called Campagnano di Roma. It’s so nice and charming, everyone here is so sweet to each other.

ShayButter: that sounds like so much fun, I’m envious.

Hunkules: If I were you, I’d be envious of me too hahaha

Hunkules: I didn’t mean that in a bad way

ShayButter: hey it’s fine, no sweat!

Hunkules: good, lol!

ShayButter: I gotta run, but message me later, alright?

Hunkules: you got it!

Hunkules > eur-in for a treat

Hunkules: Lance, you remember Shay Balmera?

LancethePike: how could I not? The three of us were best buds in 4th grade.

Hunkules: Yeah! She just messaged me asking how it was going

Pidgeot: wait Shay Balmera

Pidgeot: as in THE Shay Balmera?

Hunkules: uh i think so?

Pidgeot: oh my god! She’s like a big sister to me!

LancethePike: Really?! I didn’t know you knew her

Pidgeot: yeah! We’ve been friends since I was in Pre-K. She protected me from bullies and I did the same. It was nice to have a 1st grader watching your back when you’re that young.

Allure: That’s so sweet! I never had many friends through my school years. Everyone thought my accent was weird and my platinum blonde hair was crazy.

LancethePike: what?!?! where did you go to school?! Your accent and hair are amazing, just gonna tell you that right there.

Allure: I went to a primarily black school, so I was the only one who spoke with large words and I was definitely the only one with blonde hair. In grade 8, all of the other girls told me I’d never get a boyfriend because of how weird I am.

Mathematics: jokes on them, you’ve got two now

Allure: exactly. It was a pretty rough few years but I overcame it. And I’m better than them anyway, so……

LancethePike: that’s like a super sad story but like,,, I’m living for this tea.

Allure: I bet a bit more than half of them actually went to university, and probably less that have a solid job right now. I’m honestly surprised I have a solid job, I’m 24.

Allure: I was always kind of an outlier. I never wanted to go to parties and get drunk and smoke weed in high school. I much rathered trying to figure out unsolved cases at the local museum. The employees there were the closest I had to friends at that time. I was obsessed with crime, and not in the way that my peers were, but I wanted to solve crimes and help people.

Hunkules: but I thought you’re a lawyer?

Allure: Yes, I am. I recall one specific case that I couldn’t figure out. That’s honestly what made me drop my dream of being a detective and pick up on law instead. In 1907 There was a girl who was walking with her friend. The girl’s name was Sarah Schafer. She and her friend went to dinner at her doctor’s house (my grandmother lives there now). Afterward, she started walking home. Her friend offered to make sure she got home safe, but she insisted she was fine. So she started walking the 3 blocks to her house. On the corner of a sidewalk next to a small grocery, there was a man in a long trench coat standing there. She called out to him, asking who he was. When he didn’t respond, she took a few steps closer, and with that, he grabbed her, dragged her to an alley, and hit her with a brick 32 times on the temple. He stuffed her inside a shed in one of the nearby houses, where she was found the next day. The police searched for the killer, but he was never found. I could never figure it out, either.

Pidgeot: woah

LancethePike: that’s brutal.

Hunkules: oh my goodness

Mathematics: I can’t believe you tried to solve a crime from 100 years before! That’s pretty cool.

Allure: Yes, it was pretty cool, though none of my peers thought that way. They called me Sarah Schafer and threatened to kill me because I was different, so instead of continuing the search for the killer, I started reading law books. I learned my rights and their rights and everyone’s rights. I’d take notes of the ones that were most important to me specifically. So the next time the others teased me and threatened to kill me, I told them how long their prison sentence would be. I told them that their family would probably disown them and they’d have no way to get commissary money. I told them what I had read prison is like. For some reason I thought that would’ve helped, and surprisingly, it actually did. They threatened to kill me and I threatened a fate worse than death. That’s when I started getting friends.

Mathematics: my fucking badass girlfriend, everyone.

LancethePike: If I didn’t stan already I do now

Hunkules: d a m n

LancethePike: Matt, you’d better marry her as soon as polyamorous marriage is legal

Mathematics: I’m planning on it, but I don’t think that’ll be a thing in our lifetime.

Pidgeot: why not

Mathematics: Takashi has been keeping up with the news in the U.S.

Hunkules: I don’t think I’m gonna like where this is going

Mathematics: Well a supreme court justice is retiring. That means good old cheeto man gets to choose ANOTHER justice. For like 40 years the Supreme Court had 5 liberals and 4 conservatives, but since Tangerine got to choose one already it’s 5:4 to conservatives. Now he gets to choose another, so it’s now 6:3 to conservatives.

LancethePike: wait.

Mathematics: So if Ruth Ginsburg dies, he’ll get to choose 3 Supreme Court Justices in his presidency, tipping it 7:2 to conservatives. This new guy is planning on staying for 45-50 years. They’ve already nearly banned same-sex couples from adopting, and they’re working on banning LGBT marriage and reversing those who are already married. So until we can tip the scale back for liberals, well.. It’s not gonna be good.

Hunkules: you guys know that I don’t usually get very invested in politics, but ever since rotten peach man has been elected I’ve gotten so angry with political things. He can’t do that. Why cant there be LGBT marriage? If you’re gonna ban marriage then ban ALL marriage, see how fast all the hets protest. This can’t happen, this… no.

Pidgeot: okay okay okay so you’re telling me that just because whatever higher power is out there poured some gay in the mixing pot of my life I can’t get married? I sure as hell am not marrying a man, so I have to stay unmarried for the rest of my life because some useless homophobe tells me so?

Mathematics: also, there are kids in fucking cages who don’t recognize their parents when they’re together again. Police are stopping buses and asking everyone on board for their documentation. I read an article about this lady in Cali who was on a bus near the center of the state and they were stopped and asked for documents (there was a lady who didn’t speak any english and she looked so scared) so she stood up and proved how it was illegal for them to stop the bus there, nowhere near a border. Needless to say, the officers got off the bus and everyone on board was so thankful for the lady, but the government is terrorizing citizens for being ALIVE. Also, pregnant women are chained around the stomach in camps where they’re locked up and they miscarry. They bleed for hours to days without getting medical attention.

LancethePike: a message to homophobes/transphobes/racists/sexists: Hi, I’m Lance McClain, a bisexual, Cuban boy. I live in the United States, where I am, believe it or not, legally a citizen. My whole family is, if you’re gonna ask. I’d just like to tell you to kindly go fuck yourself. You should not condemn people just for being alive. I can’t help the fact that my parents are from Cuba, I can’t help that Spanish is my first language. I can’t help the fact that I like boys AND girls. My sisters can’t help the fact that they’re women. My brother can’t help the fact that he’s trans. I can say, though, that we’re proud as hell to be accepting. We’re proud of being different. We get ridiculed like HELL but that doesn’t change anything. Your ridicule won’t make me any less bisexual, won’t make my family any less Cuban, won’t make my sisters any less female, and won’t make my brother any less of a man. What if I ridicule you for being a straight, white, cis, Christian, man? What if I tell you that you’re disgusting for being white? What if I tell you that you just haven’t met the right boy yet? What if I say that cis isn’t real, you’re just looking for attention? What if I tell you that God isn’t real? This is the shit we face every single day from people like you so please, go fuck yourself right in the ass with the stick you’ve got shoved up there.

Hunkules: that’s my fucking best friend. Permission to post with tag?

LancethePike: go for it.

[Hunkules Screenshotted the Chat! X2]

Pidgeot: this is why we’re friends.

LancethePike: I’m tired of our shit government and it’s loyal followers so…

Allure: I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Mathematics: you fucking go, dude! I’m proud of you.

LancethePike: okay the subject needs to be changed before I rip my hair out.

LancethePike: where are Shiro and Keith? They’re usually in the chat by now.

Allure: They’re having a brothers’ day. They usually do it on the 18th but they wanted to be considerate.

Hunkules: so what’s the deal with the 18th?

Mathematics: its not our place to tell you. Keith and Shiro will tell you when they’re ready.

LancethePike: are they okay? Like they’re not gonna die or anything?

Pidgeot: no.

Hunkules: thank god.

Allure: the 18th is a very important day to them so just be careful.

LancethePike: will do.

LancethePike: I’m gonna call Mama McClain get in here if you wanna talk to her!

Pidgeot: MAKE ROOM FOR ME

Hunkules: MAMA MCCLAIN

LancethePike > MamaMcClain

LancethePike: Get ready cause I’m calling you in 30 seconds.

MamaMcClain: ready!

[Call Ended 1:23:16]

LancethePike: te quiero mamá

MamaMcClain: te quiero mijo

LancethePike > Mathematics

LancethePike: am I allowed to offer my cuddling services when Keith gets home?

Mathematics: yes, but please don’t push him to tell you what’s wrong. He’ll tell you if he wants and it’s a really important day for those two.

LancethePike: i guess I just don’t understand. Maybe I will soon enough. Hunk still wants to know too, and i don’t think Keith is gonna want to tell him even if he tells me.

Mathematics: I have a feeling Shiro will

LancethePike: okay.

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: hey, I know you’re having really important brother time with Shiro, but I just wanna let you know that my amazing cuddling services are offered when you get home.

LancethePike: have fun, chico lindo.

Pidgeot > eur-in for a treat

Pidgeot: I’m BORED

LancethePike: Bitch? Me too? The fuck?

Hunkules: I’m gonna go for a walk, you guys wanna come?

Pidgeot: I normally have a strict no exercise rule (gotta keep the figure) but its better than sitting here for hours

LancethePike: I’ll pass, I’m gonna start watching Orange is the New Black.

Mathematics: oh thats a good show. There's a lot of gay.

Pidgeot: You coming Matt?

Mathematics: sure, why not

Hunkules: where’s Allura? She can come with us.

Mathematics: she’s in the bath.

Hunkules: oh okay cool.

LancethePike: OH

LancethePike: I was not expecting the literal first thing I see to be tits tits and more tits

Mathematics: you didnt know?

LancethePike: I literally only knew that it was a show about a lesbian in jail.

Hunkules: lmaoooo

Mathematics: there’s some nudity and sex… just,,, by the way

LancethePike: i can TELL

Pidgeot: pffft you need to read the descriptions from now on oh my god

LancethePike: shut up and go on your walk

Hunkules: okay crankypants

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: I’ll definitely take you up on that cuddle offer. We’ll be home in 2.

LancethePike: I’ll be waiting!

Chapter Text

Mathematics > eur-in for a treat

Mathematics: has it occurred to no one else that we've been 45 minutes from Rome for almost a month and we haven’t gone into the city?

takashit: oh my god you’re right

Allure: GUESS WHERE WE’RE GOING TODAY

Pidgeot: Rome?

Allure: CORRECT

Allure: we’ve got a lot of ground to cover in one day, Shiro, you always do directions, please look up the fastest way to get close to the Coliseum

takashit: could you just come in here and we’ll figure it out together?

Allure: sure. Anywhere we should specifically go?

kogayne: there’s an English bookshop super close to the Vatican City. I don’t know anything about it but I know we’ve been looking for one for a while.

Allure: What’s it called?

kogayne: Almost Corner Bookstore.

Allure: Got it, thanks Keith. I just finished my book yesterday, so it’ll be good to go!

kogayne: glad to help.

Hunkules: can we go into Vatican City??

Mathematics: I just googled it. shoulders and knees have to be covered in VC. It’s 90 degrees, idk if we wanna do that.

Hunkules: lol nevermind.

Allure: there’s also a good tattoo shop around there. Ink in Rome. I /have/ been wanting to get a sunflower. Have you guys seen the sunflower fields here? They’re so damn pretty.

takashit: We can drop you at the tattoo place, I can take the kids to the Vatican museum and I want to meet up with some of my clients. They’re from LA but they’re in Rome today.

Allure: my tattoo won’t take longer than 40 minutes. You go to the Vatican museum, pick me up, and we’ll go meet your clients. But first we’re going to that bookstore. Maybe we’ll finish with the Coliseum on the way home. How does that sound?

LancethePike: 10/10 okay w me. The museum might be a bit boring for me, but that’s okay. I need to suck it up anyway.

Allure: You’ll be just fine. Everyone get ready, we’re leaving in 45 min.

Pidgeot: yes ma’am

Hunkules > ShayButter

Hunkules: I saw your 11:11 on your snap story. Who is iiiit?

ShayButter: I have an internet friend in Korea. He’s so sweet. I really like him

ShayButter: he told me he likes me too, but he doesn’t do long distance.

Hunkules: That really sucks and i’m rly sorry. Maybe you’ll be together in the future OR maybe you’ll meet someone else.

ShayButter: I hope we get to be together.

Hunkules: I hope so too. I just hope you get to be with someone who makes you happy bc you deserve it.

ShayButter: like I like him so much it’s tearing me apart.

Hunkules: it’s gonna be super duper sucky for a little while or even a long while

Hunkules: but you’re gonna make it. You’re strong.

ShayButter: I hope.

ShayButter: like I legit wanna curl up in a ball and die

ShayButter: if “god” “has a plan” for my life it’s one fucked up plan because who would do this to a human?

Hunkules: It’s makes you stronger.

ShayButter: Make is into each other then fuck us over with an ocean in the way.

Hunkules: it makes you have thicker skin. maybe you just weren’t meant to be together

ShayButter: it’s a fucking psycho pathetic move though

Hunkules: maybe that’s the universe’s way of showing it.

Hunkules: OR

ShayButter: maybe but is it is rn he’s all I want

Hunkules: it could be that the universe is making you wait in agony so that when you can be together its even better.

ShayButter: maybe

Hunkules: the things you think right now might not apply in a year or so

ShayButter: yeah, true

Hunkules: you may have a major falling out with him

ShayButter: i hope not

Hunkules: you may figure out he’s onto some really weird something or other that you don’t want to be a part of.

Hunkules: it’s a possibility. It’s also a possibility (though unlikely) that he’s the one.

ShayButter: maybe. I kinda wish though like I really want him to be.

Hunkules: i’m saying unlikely just because most high school relationships don’t work out, especially if he lives in an entirely different continent. Maybe the ocean is a way to tell you to open your eyes to those closer to you.

ShayButter: maybe, idk though.

Hunkules: I’m not saying that you’ll never be together, but it’s best to look at options.

Hunkules: my grandpa’s old high school teacher used to have a funnel sitting on his desk. Kids would come in and pick it up, and the teacher could see what type of person they were depending on which end they looked through. Those who put the big part up the their face saw only a small picture and had only one focus, whereas those who looked through the smaller end saw a bigger picture. Options are good so that you don’t get stuck with one single minded focus forever.

ShayButter: Yeah, I know. But I can’t get my mind off of him… ever. It’s hard.

Hunkules: yeah, it might be like that for a while.

ShayButter: I know.

Hunkules: just keep in mind the fact that he’s from a place across the world, and there might be people right in front of you. I know you’re super hung up on this guy, but make sure to keep your options open, just in case he turns out to be a total creep or you don’t get to meet irl. I just don’t want you to get hurt.

Hunkules: on a different note, maybe you will be together

ShayButter: maybeee

Hunkules: okay, hang on, quick subject change

ShayButter: hit me

Hunkules: hypothetical question: say I liked someone that everyone around me generally doesn’t like but I’ve always been infatuated but she isn’t looking at me. What should I DO?

ShayButter: make her look at you. Get her attention. Show her you like her and she means something to you.

Hunkules: but how?

ShayButter: just talk to her a lot, kinda gently throw in a bit of flirting

Hunkules: and what should I do if my friends who don’t really like her find out and judge me?

ShayButter: tell them to fuck off

Hunkules: hmmm i can work with that, thanks so much

ShayButter: I mean friends should support you no matter how they feel about the person because the person makes you happy so they should support you.

ShayButter: So if they don’t then I guess you know who your real friends are. That’s all I got

Hunkules: thanks so much

ShayButter: you’re welcome! I hope you get your girl.

Hunkules: haha thanks!

Hunkules > LancethePike

Hunkules: Houston, we have a problem.

LancethePike: what’s up?

Hunkules: so you remember how I went to Emily’s party in May?

LancethePike: yeah, why?

Hunkules: and you know how I got a crush on Kaley?

LancethePike: yeah...why??

Hunkules: I didn’t actually have a crush on Kaley and I’m just now figuring it out.

LancethePike: what

Hunkules: oh my god. I like Shay.

LancethePike: WHAT

Hunkules: It’s all so clear now. I always knew there was something a bit different and special about her

LancethePike: didn’t she date Kaley though?

Hunkules: yeah, what’s that got to do with anything?

LancethePike: idk

Hunkules: so what do I do?? You’re the relationship expert in this friendship

LancethePike: okay. Wait give me the 411 how did you figure this out?

Hunkules: well Shay likes her friend from Korea and like??? She has hope that they’re going to get to meet and be together and I keep trying to tell her to her her options open because it’s gonna take a long time for them to meet irl but I’m also trying to be really supportive and stuff so that I don’t seem like a total douche. But I realized I’m JEALOUS

LancethePike: Ugh that’s the worst. There was this one time this guy CONSTANTLY talked about his crush so we were both super open with crushes and then he ended up liking me. So I meaaann??? Hope maybe??

Hunkules: i hope so omg. I’m trying to drop so many hints.

LancethePike: I’ll tell you if I think of any.

Hunkules: bless.

Hunkules created a new chat with Pidgeot, takashit, Allure, kogayne, and Mathematics

Hunkules named the group “Best Boy’s Birthday”

Hunkules: so. Tomorrow, as Pidge and Matt know, is Lance’s birthday.

Pidgeot: Lance, a middle child of 7, takes his birthday very seriously.

Allure: I’ll be looking out for something to get him when we go into town today. If we make quick work of the things we have planned, maybe we can find a mall to go to?

Mathematics: if we go to a mall that has Lush, I call it, that’s my present to him.

Pidgeot: dammit Matt

Hunkules: oh shit he’s gonna love that.

takashit: don’t get him bath bombs though because we don’t have a bath obviously

Mathematics: no shit

kogayne: oh goddammit

kogayne: I am the literal worst at gift giving

Allure: literally give him a kiss and he’ll be happy

kogayne: That Is Not Helpful

Pidgeot: okay, here are a few of his interests: he fucking loves his skincare routine so any addition to it will make him so happy (it has to be organic though), he loves doing nails, he has a lot of practice bc of his 5 sisters. Though he embraces his femininity with makeup and nails, he still likes looking like a fuckboy sometimes, so snapbacks and sleeveless shirts are good, but he also likes wearing crop tops and booty shorts.

Hunkules: also he may not seem like it but futuristic sci-fi books are the shit for him. Movies too, but mostly books.

kogayne: THAT’S how to be helpful.

takashit: keith? Do you call a certain thing?

kogayne: wait but I want it to be kinda romantic you know?

Pidgeot: oh my god

Allure: like i said earlier

Allure: give him a makeout and a cuddle and you’re set

Hunkules: hang on how do you know that?

Allure: Lance and I talk, besides we literally spent a whole morning together. He lives to spill tea.

Pidgeot: I’m sensing jealousy from Hunk

Hunkules: what? No. I dont get jealous.

Pidgeot: okay sure

Hunkules: anyway, I call getting him nail stuff. Maybe he’ll do mine.

takashit: what

Hunkules: its relaxing don’t judge me

takashit: I just had the greatest fucking idea known to mankind

Pidgeot: Did you invent interdimentional travel because now I’m impressed

takashit: no fuck you. Why don’t we all pitch in and have like,,,a spa night.

[Allure Screenshotted the Chat!]

Mathematics: did takashi shirogane really just say we should have a spa night?

takashit: okay hear me out. Going to an actual spa is expensive as hell, besides, Lance probably knows how to do all of the things so he teaches us, we all do it together, we all get to spill tea, its perfect

Hunkules: shiro you’re a goddamn genius

takashit: I have my moments

Mathematics: question: what do we need for a spa night

Allure: peel off masks (i suggest charcoal, coffee, or aloe vera), special cucumbers, a good nail kit (I have one already), probably razors, moisturizer, oh! And some sugar scrub.

Mathematics: and one of those blackhead remover things probably.

Pidgeot: how do you know about those?

Mathematics: Katie I own one

Pidgeot: so uh I guess I know absolutely nothing about my brother.

Hunkules: we need a game plan.

takashit: We find a map of the mall, split off into groups and hit every beauty store we can find, keep the group updated with what you’ve bought. Hunk and Pidge, you’re on sugar scrub, moisturizer, and razors. Matt and Allura, face masks, cucumbers, and blackhead removers. I’ll find nail polish. Keith, you get to distract Lance. Take him somewhere, be all lovey dovey and that shit. We’ll use bags from stores we’ve already been to so that we don’t raise suspicion. We store all the stuff and use it tomorrow night, you got me?

Mathematics: sounds good

Pidgeot: Hunk, we got it?

Hunkules: Team Punk is ON IT

Allure: we’ll be done in a snap.

kogayne: how am i supposed to distract him.

Pidgeot: heres a 3 step guide: get something sweet, go into different clothing stores and let him try stuff on, if we’re not done, take him into a bathroom or change room and make out or something.

kogayne: okay, I can do it.

takashit: good. Now everybody, in the car, we’re going to Rome!

Allure > eur-in for a treat

[2 Photos from Allure]

Allure: the tattoo is done!

Hunkules: it’s so pretty!

takashit: it looks wonderful

Mathematics: amazing, llura.

Pidgeot: nice ink!

LancethePike: it looks just like the sunflowers from the sunflower fields!

Allure: thanks so much, guys! I love it!

takashit: okay, now it’s time to hit up the Coliseum and then we’re going the the mall!

LancethePike: YES

Hunkules > LancethePike

Hunkules: yo will you send me all of the selfies we’ve taken so far?

[22 Photos from LancethePike]

Hunkules: thank youuuuuu

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: so where do you wanna go?

LancethePike: H&M, somewhere to look at hats, Vans, uh, I think that’s it

kogayne: okay then, but before I’m gonna find a cookie place.

LancethePike: awwwwww

kogayne: okay we’re here, let’s go

takashit > Best Boy Birthday

takashit: remember your assignments? good. Go.

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: WOW everyone scattered quickly

LancethePike: no answer?

LancethePike: okay fine, I’m gonna have some fun with my chico lindo.

Allure > Best Boy‘s Birthday

Allure: checking in for Matt and I. We have the blackhead remover.

Hunkules: We got the sugar scrub and I found some exfoliating lip balm too

Allure: cucumbers

takashit: what color nail polish do we want

Pidgeot: Hunk says yellow, I say green

Mathematics: Allura says pink and I don’t care

takashit: i’m getting purple and black too bc fuck you

kogayne: Lance wants blue and I want red

takashit: polish, remover, and nail repair oil have been purchased

kogayne: we’re at the last of the stores he’s chosen

kogayne: Pidge i’m taking you up on that last bit of advice

Pidgeot: what, taking him to make out?

kogayne: mhm

Pidgeot: moisturizer

Allure: face masks

Allure: BOOM we done

Pidgeot: razors.

Pidgeot: we’re done too

takashit: okay, let’s go browse Lush together for an extra gift from Keith but also to give them a bit more time.

takashit: I don’t wanna interrupt them or anything

Pidgeot: shut up old man, we’ll be there in 2.

Allure: meet you there.

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: for that being your second time making out, I just gotta say damn

LancethePike: you’re GOOD

kogayne: yeah, well I’m learning from the best.

LancethePike: you’re gonna pass me up soon

LancethePike: you know how to use your tongue

kogayne: what can I say? I used to eat a lot of cherries as a kid.

LancethePike: interesting. I’m not complaining, you’re killing me

kogayne: you changed the s’s to l’s.

kogayne: I’m kissing you, not killing you

LancethePike: it feels the same to me

kogayne: dammit you’re being too smooth

LancethePike: that was the perfect potential for a dirty joke but I’m not gonna go that far because i want to make sure your cute ass is comfortable.

kogayne: my ass is comfortable wherever you put it

LancethePike: oh yeah so i have a question

kogayne: yeah what’s up

LancethePike: how did you get your ass to be that goddamn thicc

kogayne: so you DO stare at my ass

LancethePike: stare is a harsh word. i merely appreciate what looks like a heavenly ass.

kogayne: oh you motherfucker. come kiss me before dinner.

LancethePike: yes sir!

Chapter Text

Hunkules changed the group name from eur-in for a treat to BEST BI BOY’S BIRTHDAY

Hunkules: LANCE MCCLAIN

Hunkules: you have been my best friend for 11 years, and we’re nearing 12. I remember we met on the first day of kindergarten. I was playing with a girl I’d met in Pre-K, and you walked in with your mother, shy as a motherfucker. You didn’t speak english, so the other kids made fun of you, but NOT ME. I was your best friend, I helped teach you english and you taught me spanish. I’ve been there for many birthdays, but you at 18 YEARS OLD TODAY! IT’S YOUR DAY, MAN! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

LancethePike: HUNK

Hunkules: I’ve had that ready since 11:28

LancethePike: I LOVE YOU BEST BUDDY

Hunkules: I LOVE YOU TOO

Pidgeot: you’ve aged.

LancethePike: thank you, wise Pigeon.

kogayne: happy birthday Lance. We met pretty recently, but you’re just a fun guy and you’re really great to be around and hang out with. (also you’re really hot but let’s talk about that some other time) You’re 18, baby, and that’s a fucking achievement if I’ve ever seen one. Happy birthday, beautiful boy.

LancethePike: K E I T H

LancethePike: GET OVER HERE AND GIVE ME A KISS GODDAMMIT

LancethePike: YOURE SO SWEET

Allure: Happy Birthday, Lance! You’ve made this trip so fun so far!

takashit: The big 1-8! Happy Birthday man!

Mathematics: HAPPY BIRTHDAY LITTLE BRO! I’ve watched you grow up over the years and man, you turned out great.

LancethePike: you guys are so sweet i swear

LancethePike: i’m tired though so i’m gonna sleep

kogayne: he’s really gonna cuddle me and talk about how much he loves his friends

Mathematics: yeah, have fun with that.

Pidgeot: ^^^

LancethePike > BEST BI BOY’S BIRTHDAY

LancethePike: so what exactly are we doing today

takashit: uh i actually have no idea. Hunk?

Hunkules: so. We’re staying in town, but here’s my idea.

Hunkules: we go out and get a shit load of gelato and the popcorn bags from the corner store, we come home, star wars marathon.

LancethePike: YES!

Pidgeot: ahh, the Lance’s Birthday tradition

Hunkules: just because we’re in a different country doesn’t mean we have to abandon tradition!

LancethePike: ITS PERFECT LETS GO

kogayne: Lance

kogayne: you at least need to put pants on

LancethePike: don’t tell me what to do, thicc boy

takashit: Can I Erase This From My Memory

LancethePike: damn my post-cuddle hair looks a lot like post-sex hair

takashit: tmi

Mathematics: tmi

Pidgeot: tmi

Hunkules: TRIPLETS

LancethePike: Hunk are you ready let’s go get like 4 tubs of gelato

Hunkules: woohooooo

Pidgeot: wait for me idiots, i have to put my shoes on

LancethePike: shiro I need the keys to the house

LancethePike: thank you

Hunkules: We’ll be back!

takashit changed the group name from Best Boy’s Birthday to Operation Spa Surprise

kogayne: catchy

takashit: okay so Allura I need to to tell me what the fuck these things are so that I can arrange them appropriately. We’re not gonna bring them out until later tonight but I want to make sure we’re ready.

kogayne: what did you get him as the extra gift?

takashit: this exfoliating face wash, i forget what it’s called.

Allure: Let the Good Times Roll

takashit: that.

kogayne: does it have a gift bag?

Mathematics: yep, that’s all done, thanks to me

kogayne: thanks guys, I really want this to be special

Allure: i just realized the legal drinking age in Italy is 18

kogayne: you’re telling me i could’ve been drinking this whole time

takashit: Matt come buy some cheap alcohol with me

Mathematics: on it

Allure: get something nonalcoholic for Pidge

kogayne: also will you take Akira? he needs a walk.

takashit: only because i love you

Mathematics: fuck that I love your dog

kogayne: Matt has his priorities straight.

Allure: Keith come hook up my laptop to this HDMI cable while i download the Star Wars movies.

kogayne: I’m busy making a blanket nest on the couch

Allure: it’s SUMMER

kogayne: and? I can’t watch movies without a blanket nest

Allure: you never fail to amaze me

Hunkules: on our way home. 3 gelatos, 14 popcorns

takashit: also on our way home, 2 different wines, limoncello, vodka, and cranberry juice.

Mathematics: AND stuff for Pidge

Pidgeot: again my age fails me

takashit: stop complaining, youth. You’re still young enough that your joints work

Pidgeot: damn you’re old

Hunkules: back

Mathematics > BEST BI BOY’S BIRTHDAY

Mathematics: we come bearing alcohol

Mathematics: also I take great offense to the name of the chat

Hunkules: quit your whining

LancethePike: alcohol?

takashit: legal drinking age here is 18

LancethePike: FUCK YEAH

Allure: but we are responsible drinkers so water between each drink.

Hunkules: f i n e

kogayne: come in and get snacks so we can start the movies

LancethePike: I’m ready as fuck

takashit: oh my god you guys have to try this limoncello

takashit: it’s weird

LancethePike: ahhh

LancethePike: it’s like cheap cough syrup that warms up your throat

LancethePike: I love it

kogayne: turn off your damn phones and watch the movie

kogayne: McClain, get your 18 year old ass over here and cuddle me.

Allure: Holt, Shirogane, get your 27 year old asses over here and cuddle me

Pidgeot: well if you insist, Allura. I didn’t know you were a cheater like this

Mathematics: hi that’s my girlfriend you’re sitting on

Pidgeot: Hunk.

Hunkules: on it.

kogayne: WATCH THE DAMN MOVIE.

LancethePike > BEST BI BOY’S BIRTHDAY

LancethePike: we gotta take a break, Mama McClain is calling.

Hunkules: MAMA MCCLAIN

LancethePike: yo, open another gelato

Pidgeot: you do it

LancethePike: I’m going pee

Pidgeot: fine. but just because it’s your birthday.

LancethePike: Shiro can you teach me how to make a vodka cranberry

kogayne: Lance can you make me a vodka cranberry

LancethePike: of course

kogayne: okay everyone sit so we can watch more.

takashit: wait let me call in a pizza for dinner.

takashit: okay now.

LancethePike > BEST BI BOY’S BIRTHDAY

LancethePike: I have to say, this pizza is so damn good

Mathematics: yeah, wait till what comes after.

Hunkules: MATT

LancethePike: ?

LancethePike: OH MY GOD YOU GUYS

kogayne: Happy Birthday, baby.

Chapter Text

Allure changed the group name from BEST BI BOY’S BIRTHDAY to eur-in for a treat

Allure > eur-in for a treat

Allure: FUCK

Mathematics: eloquent

Allure: F U C K

Mathematics: care to explain why you’re yelling obscenities into the group chat at 4 AM?

Allure: I forgot that we have to leave tomorrow. Tomorrow as in today. As in like,,,, the 29th.

Mathematics: FUCK

Allure: I’m waking everyone up we need to pack EVERYTHING

Allure: our host texted me and said she’ll be here at 10 AM to do an inspection and give us our deposit back

Mathematics: I’ll help you wake everyone up.

LancethePike: this is absolute bullshit

Pidgeot: why do i have to wake up at four in the goddamn morning like I’m an elderly person or someone who goes to the gym

takashit: stfu I’m making coffee, get to packing your clothes.

kogayne: Shiro I am not afraid of you. I will go to sleep again and i won’t be woken up until 10.

takashit: Keith Kogane you’d better fucking wake up right now before i have Lance come beat your ass. Pack. Now.

kogayne: fuck you, dammit.

Hunkules: ffffffffffuuuuck i don’t want to be up

Allure: too bad you sons of bitches

Pidgeot: ahem

Allure: and daughter

Allure: we need to make this house fucking spotless or else I lost 400€, do you hear me? Make it better than when we arrived. GO. get to moving.

takashit: Pidge, dishes. Hunk, any laundry, make sure it’s done and hanging outside when the sun comes up. Lance, broom. Keith, tables. Matt, bathrooms, Allura, fridge. Me, packing.

takashit: now let’s MOVE. I’m making coffee right now, so get up.

Pidgeot: god this house is a fucking NIGHTMARE

Allure: guys i am being 110% serious we need to get this done.

LancethePike: fine.

Allure: thank you.

Pidgeot: Lance will you play your playlist pls

LancethePike: which one?

Pidgeot: 20GAYTEEN

Hunkules: 20GAYTEEN

LancethePike: k.

Pidgeot: thx.

AngelicaEliza&Peggy > Allure

AngelicaEliza&Peggy: Good morning, Allura! I’m planning on coming over to check the flat out at 10:00, is that okay with you?

Allure: Sure! We’ll be ready for you around then.

AngelicaEliza&Peggy: Okay, see you then!

Allure > eur-in for a treat

Allure: I’m sorry for being so harsh earlier, I was very stressed. Angelica is going to be here soon, so Shiro, can you start taking bags out to the car?

takashit: sure, whose bags are ready?

LancethePike: mine’s almost there

kogayne: mine is ready

Pidgeot: mine too

Hunkules: Mine’s been done for a while, I’m helping Lance.

Allure: mine’s still in progress

takashit: okay. Matt, I’m gonna need your strategic thinking to pack everything in. You’re the brains, I’m the brawn. Help pls.

Mathematics: you’ve got it, muscle man.

Allure: for the love of god, Lance please take that off of your face. We’ve got to get ready to leave, not have another spa day.

LancethePike: this is part of my getting ready to leave. Besides, I do this so often that I can put it on and take it off in 0.2 seconds.

Allure: just as long as you’re actively cleaning you’re fine.

LancethePike: thank you.

LancethePike: my bag is done, I’m sweeping.

Pidgeot: you haven’t done that yet? what have you been doing since 4 AM?!

LancethePike: coffee, food, shower, bag. That took like,,, a long time.

Hunkules: i cannot do a big enough eye roll

kogayne: Angelica is here

LancethePike: SHIT

Allure: FUCK

Pidgeot: i’m gonna make sure the recycling is out…

Allure: okay everyone say goodbye to Angelica, we’ve got to get on the road. I told Roberto we’d be there between 2 and 3 and it takes 3 hours to get there.

Mathematics: yes, mommy

Pidgeot: O.o

Hunkules: get out get out get out nooooo

kogayne: s t o p

LancethePike: MATT

takashit: you exposed your own damn self

Allure: Matt…… Oh honey why?

Mathematics: I’m not into DDLG you perverts

LancethePike: i beg to differ

Mathematics: fine then, beg.

kogayne: we’re just uncovering all of Matt’s kinks today aren’t we? Nice one, pretty boy, you’re doing good.

Hunkules: THE NAIL RIGHT ON THE HEAD

Pidgeot: AHH HAHAHAHA

LancethePike: sixhsjxusjd

takashit: Praise?

Mathematics: obviously

LancethePike: stfuuuu

kogayne: uh, confusion…

Hunkules: Lance has an obvious massive praise kink

kogayne: oh

LancethePike: HUNK

LancethePike: IM NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN

Pidgeot: L M A O

Mathematics: Lance is very kinky.

LancethePike: what do you know, Holt?

Mathematics: you forget that my sister is a hacker that can find your private search history in about 10 seconds.

LancethePike: PIDGE

LancethePike: WHY

Pidgeot: do you ever look at someone and wonder “what is going on in their head?”

Pidgeot: I wondered,,,, so i searched,,,, and i found

Mathematics: i was there. She found…… a lot

kogayne: a lot of what

LancethePike: AND THATS THE END OF THE CONVERSATION

Hunkules: if you were a YouTuber i feel like you’d avoid the “exposing my search history” thing like the PLAGUE.

kogayne: ...oh

LancethePike: you know, I’m usually comfortable talking about this kind of thing, but I feel like Shiro and Allura are judging the heck out of me

takashit: i find it amusing and Allura can’t even read the chat, she’s driving.

takashit: besides, we’ve all watched it at one point or another.

Pidgeot: ahem

Mathematics: remember that time when you were twelve when you asked me what it was so i showed you?

Pidgeot: oh yeah, that was the day i realized i’m asexual.

takashit: i used to have an unhealthy obsession with it… then i got a boyfriend,,,then a girlfriend.

LancethePike: ah, the answer to a question i never asked

Pidgeot: ew

Hunkules: Lance and I are best friends, we talk about it all the time, though he’s the one doing most of the talking. I’m not the most comfortable talking about my private time to others.

LancethePike: honestly i’d talk to you like once a week and i kept talking even though i knew how embarrassed you looked. That’s my bad.

kogayne: actually, i’ve never… seen anything like that.

LancethePike: what?! how the hell do you get off then?

kogayne: i’ve never tried

Pidgeot: Really?! Keith Kogane, the literal most innocent boy i know. Even HUNK watches porn.

LancethePike: i’m gonna file that information away for later…

Hunkules: Lance don’t be gross!

[LancethePike Screenshotted the Chat!]

kogayne: heh, well i guess we all learned a little something.

takashit: I’m not gonna say anything except that I owe Matt $20

Pidgeot: uh me too bitch, don’t forget me

Hunkules: Pidge somehow always wins betting pools

Pidgeot: well i mean, Keith and I talk about literally everything and we tell each other every single secret. He’d never talked about it before, so that’s how i knew.

kogayne: i’m glad to know my sex life has become a bet

takashit: it’s because we love you, lil bro

ShayButter > Hunkules

ShayButter: so how’s it going with the girl?

Hunkules: it’s not really going.

ShayButter: she’s not picking up on it? That’s a shame.

Hunkules: yeah, but it’ll be fine. How is your Korean friend?

ShayButter: Korean friend?

ShayButter: oh yeah, hes really pretty. Idk what to do with myself.

Hunkules: do the same thing you told me

ShayButter: yeah, but like, he already knows I like him. I don’t know if he’s worth it

Hunkules: if it’s hurting you, he’s not the one. He’s not worth it.

ShayButter: yeah, but he stays up and talks to me at night and stuff

Hunkules: he’s sweet. But in the big picture, do you think, not hope, that you’ll be together one day? If we factor in all of the probabilities and circumstances, I’m not sure you have a chance with this guy, as sad as it is.

ShayButter: You’re right, though it doesn’t feel good to admit it. It’s true, though, my family doesn’t have much money, he doesn’t want to come back to America, and after college (if i decide to go), will i still feel this way?

ShayButter: maybe i should drop him and the thought process behind him.

Hunkules: I feel like that’d be a step forward. In order to live your best life, you’ve gotta do things that are good for you. It’s really hard, but you have to learn to put yourself above others sometimes.

ShayButter: you of all people know that I’m terrible at that.

Hunkules: it is really hard, but try this. Take a few hours to yourself. Take a bath, do a face mask, do your nails, meditate, do yoga, something. Self-care is a huge step towards putting yourself first.

ShayButter: thanks, Hunk. I’ll try that, it’s a good idea. I’ve got to run, but thanks for the advice!

Hunkules: anytime.

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: when we get to the new place will you show me your art PLEASE

kogayne: uh, maybe, why?

LancethePike: because i like appreciating art and the artists as well

kogayne: but you didn’t come to the art museum with us

LancethePike: i have ADHD man, you can’t blame me.

kogayne: fair enough. I’ll show you a few things. I don’t consider myself an actual artist. I actually thing my stuff sucks, but everyone else seems to like it, so that’s why i keep drawing.

LancethePike: I bet it’s absolutely amazing, don’t doubt yourself

kogane: if you insist

LancethePike: so how did you start drawing in the first place?

kogayne: uh.. i think that’s a question to ask Shiro. I’m… not good at explaining it. Ask in the group, though. It has to do with July 18th.

LancethePike: oh. are you sure you’re okay to talk about it?

kogayne: yes. Yeah, i’m fine.

LancethePike: okay.

LancethePike > eur-in for a treat

LancethePike: so Shiro, I asked Keith how he started drawing and he told me to ask you what the deal is with July 18th.

Pidgeot: wait really? Keith are you okay with it?

kogayne: yep.

takashit: oh. Okay, well…

takashit: The 18th is a bittersweet day for us. As everyone but Hunk knows, Keith’s mother died when he was young, leaving him only his knife… the one he left in Aosta. From then on up until he was 10, he was in foster care, in and out of different homes. People seemed threatened by his violent tendencies, so they gave him back to the system. That is, until my parents.

takashit: my parents met Keith at a foster fair, where people looking to foster meet potential kids. They met Keith and immediately fell in love. They were unswayed by his violent, antisocial nature. They saw the light inside him. After a discussion with me at home, we decided to skip fostering and adopt Keith. He came to live with us while the legalities were settled. At first, he was hesitant to open up to us, thinking that within a matter of weeks he was just going to be back in the system. Little did he know, we were keeping him.

takashit: After a few months of filing papers and court dates, Keith was officially ours. That day was July 18th.

Hunkules: that’s so sweet!

Pidgeot: let him finish

takashit: After he found out we were adopting him, Keith opened up right away, becoming a social butterfly amongst the rest of us. Our parents encouraged him to do whatever his heart pleased, so he started drawing. Our mother, a painter, instantly saw the potential in him, so she gave him some art supplies, the expensive kind, not the cheap ones. She coached him on how to draw certain things, and he learned quickly.

takashit: a year passed, and my father had to leave on a business trip for a week, my mother was required to be there as well. They were going to arrive back on July 18th, just in time to celebrate our first year with Keith. We were planning on going to an art museum. I was in charge of him for the time being.

takashit: we cleaned the house and even tried our hands at baking cupcakes for them when they got home. I was excited to get the words of praise and thanks for keeping the house clean while they were gone. We waited by the door, cupcakes at the ready, for the whole day. I thought it was a possibility that their flight was delayed, so we waited the whole next day, too.

takashit: We were losing all hope. Keith was distraught. As soon as he found a family to love him, they didn’t come back when they said they would. I received a call from my aunt in the evening on July 19th. She said that there was a storm and the plane had crashed the day before. There were no survivors.

takashit: I told Keith, and I was surprised that he understood anything through my uncontrollable sobbing. What was almost worse than finding out that my parents had died was watching Keith’s heart shatter when he found out. We clung to each other and cried for god knows how long. It became the talk of the town. People came knocking on our door, bringing us food, offering money. We gratefully accepted. Then, my aunt came to take us to live with her. She’s our godmother, after all.

takashit: we mourned for months. Keith nearly flunked out of school. I threw myself into my work and became more distant. That’s not what Keith needed, of course, he needed a strong support system, he needed a brother that he could talk to. I started having Matt over all the time. We’d been friends for years, and Keith and Pidge grew together faster than weeds. Pidge was his only friend besides Matt and I, but who’d want to confide in his older brother’s best friend?

takashit: he nearly dropped art altogether, but I told him to keep on it, to be just as good as Mom.
So he kept drawing. He worked hard, as if the fire inside him was stronger, fueled by sadness. So the next year, on June 18th, we cried, we went to an art museum, and we spent the day together, just him and me. We’ve been doing it ever since.

Pidgeot: I think that every single person in this car except for Allura is in tears right now.

kogayne: you’re good at telling the story, Shiro. Thank you.

Hunkules: my god, i had no idea. I’m so sorry, you guys, that’s terrible

LancethePike: I can’t imagine. So bad. Sorry.

Mathematics: it was really rough watching them deal with the tragedy firsthand. They’re okay now, the only time it really bothers them is when they’re flying or it’s July 18th.

LancethePike: can you pass back a kleenex please

Hunkules: several kleenex’s

takashit: just take the whole box.

LancethePike > kogayne

LancethePike: keith, i can’t imagine what that must’ve been like. I’m so sorry.

kogayne: it’s okay, it was a long time ago, I’m okay now. Shiro is too.

LancethePike: do you need a hug?

kogayne. yes please.

Chapter Text

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: i just realized i never took you on a date at the last place.

LancethePike: yeah? You didn’t, did you? That’s okay. You don’t have to.

kogayne: no, I want to

kogayne: you know, just to learn the ropes…

LancethePike: really, you don’t have to, but Allura said we’re living in a beach town, so buy me a smoothie when we go to the beach?

kogayne: yeah, that sounds good!!

LancethePike: i wanna thank you again for the birthday present, it’s amazing

kogayne: i’m just doing what a boyfriend should do :)

LancethePike > Allure

LancethePike: ALLUA HELP

Allure: what??

LancethePike: IM SO FAR GONE FOR KEITH

Allure: okay for the record it has been SO hard to keep quiet about this

Allure: you’re lucky you’re my favorite

LancethePike: I’m your favorite??

Allure: shhhh no don’t tell anyone

LancethePike: hhhhhhhh but that’s hard

Allure: exactly

LancethePike: well played, Allura

LancethePike: ANYWAY

LancethePike: Keith was worried because he never took me on a date in Campagnano and he said he would i’m hhhhhhh

Allure: you’d better not do anything to hurt him, Lance

Allure: he’s been through a lot and lost so many people close to him and you know that. I don’t want him to go through that again.You know the story but you didn’t have to see it firsthand. It was terrible.

LancethePike: Why would I hurt him??? I’m the one falling for him???

Allure: it’s something i just want you to know. He’s like a little brother to me.

LancethePike: it’s not like we’re in an actual relationship, Allura

Allure: a fake relationship, practice dates, whatever it may be, he’s let you in closer than anyone else in his life. Don’t take that for granted.

LancethePike: if i wanted to get lectured i would’ve gone to shiro

Allure: yes, but that would mean you have to tell him.

LancethePike: hhhhh you’re right.

LancethePike: sorry, i’m just falling and idk what to do, cause i feel like this means a lot to him, the whole fake dating thing… Like he is really happy for practice on dating and stuff but what if he wants to call the whole thing off if he finds out?

Allure: you’re not giving yourself enough credit. Why would he willingly make out with you if he didn’t enjoy this even a little bit?

LancethePike: to make it seem real to everyone else??

Allure: I think you should rethink it. You’re a great guy, Lance. He’d probably be over the moon to find out that you like him

LancethePike: here’s an idea: he’s probably not because I’m loud, annoying, i’m the school’s fuckboy, and like 99% not his type

Allure: well i don’t believe that for a second. Seriously, think about it. But don’t think about it too hard bc i don’t want you panicking.

LancethePike: hhhhh thanks Allura

Hunkules > ShayButter

Hunkules: hey!

ShayButter: hi, Hunk! How are you?

Hunkules: I’m great, thanks! We just got to our next house. We’re only staying overnight, but the town is so pretty.

ShayButter: that’s super cool, where is it?

Hunkules: it’s along the southern peninsula in Italy, idk what it’s called. But still a beach town so we’re going to the beach!

ShayButter: ahh i bet that’s nice. I’m still stuck in Brownstown.

Hunkules: oh yeah, how’s it going at your dad’s?

ShayButter: awful. He’s rarely there and my grandma makes me and my brother cook and clean everything because my dad’s son hurt his arm.

Hunkules: that’s not cool, where does he go every day?

ShayButter: who knows? He goes to drill every morning and doesn’t come home until late evening.

ShayButter: we’re not allowed on our phones except for an hour at like 9 pm (i’m sneaking rn) and we’re not allowed to leave the house.

Hunkules: what?! that’s super not cool. He can’t do that!

ShayButter: my mom is suing bc he hasn’t paid child support in years and it’s part of their divorce or something. I wish i never left my mom’s.

Hunkules: see if you can get some info to the lawyer but ask for it to be kept quiet, like the way he’s treating you guys. It could really help your mom win

ShayButter: i can try… I’m dead if the lawyer talks to my dad about it though.

Hunkules: i understand that, but if you ask, maybe he’ll try?

ShayButter: I’m gonna try it. I just really want to move back in with my mom

Hunkules: i want you to as well. I want you to be in the situation that makes you the happiest, considering the circumstances. Besides, if you move back in with your mom, I can see you at school

ShayButter: yeah, but not for the whole first semester!

Hunkules: well, yeah…

Hunkules: my service is really spotty so i’m gonna have to go, but i want you to hang in there, okay? I’ll talk to you later!

ShayButter: okay, bye.

Allure > eur-in for a treat

Allure: get ready, we’re going to the beach! But also don’t get your stuff out everywhere, our host is coming to get the keys at 9:00 am tomorrow so we need to have everything clean… which shouldn't be hard, because we’re only going to be in there for like 12 hours

LancethePike: okay well i’m getting my face stuff out cause i’m not going a day without doin the good shit

kogayne: this is a test. Is he washing his face or doing drugs? The answer may shock you.

Pidgeot: lmao

takashit: okay kiddos, we’re leaving in 10

Pidgeot: dammit, it’s so hot outside

Pidgeot: why do i have to be cursed with satan’s sacrificial waterfall every month

LancethePike: i have some aspirin if you need it

Pidgeot: Lance McClain, a god

LancethePike: i gotchu girl!

Hunkules: is it just me or was that very uncharacteristic for Pidge

Pidgeot: listen okay i can’t focus on a single goddamn thing because all i can think about is how hard my head is pounding and my stomach is cramping

takashit: :(

Pidgeot: D’:

Allure: I’ll sit at a beachside restaurant with you, Pidge. We can get you a smoothie and just let you rest

Pidgeot: ALLURA IS A GODDESS CONFIRMED

LancethePike: that was confirmed like a month ago

Pidgeot: i will not hesitate to cut your dick off with a rusty spoon

Mathematics: today on “mental images i don’t want as soon as i open the group chat,”

Hunkules: ^^^

kogayne > LancethePike

kogayne: what kind of smoothie do you want

LancethePike: ummmmm

LancethePike: something with pineapple… we’ll see when we get there, chico lindo, it’s okay, calm down. You don’t have to be nervous, it’s just me

kogayne: yeah, i know… i just…….

kogayne: could really use the practice??? idk, you’re just more experienced than i am and i want to catch up with you. I wanna be a smooth ass criminal

LancethePike: as sweet as that is, you are sure as hell not going to prison so let’s not do the criminal part, uhhhh

kogayne: pfff

kogayne: you get what I mean, though? like I want to be able to flirt and know who pays on the date and when it’s okay to say or do certain things. You’re good at that

LancethePike: i don’t know whether to be insulted at your insinuation of me being a slut or heartwarmed.

kogayne: hint: it’s the last one

kogayne: i just don’t wanna fuck it up, is all

LancethePike: that’s so sweeeet

kogayne: :D

LancethePike > Allure

LancethePike: YOU’RE DRIVING AND WE ALREADY DID THIS TODAY BUT HES SO FUCKING SWEET AND ADORABLE I C A N T

LancethePike: HE ASKED ME WHAT KIND OF SMOOTHIE I WANT AND THEN HE TOLD ME THAT HE DOESNT WANNA FUCK THIS UP IM -HHHHHHHH

LancethePike: IM SO GONE FOR HIM

LancethePike: THIS IS BAD BUT HE MAKES ME HAPPY SO ITS LESS BAD

LancethePike: HHHHHHHH