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Alan knew he was a fool. He was a grumpy old bastard who always took his loved ones for granted. Before Jurassic Park, he took Ellie for granted. He overlooked how much she did at the dig. How much she put up with: his inability to use technology, his bad jokes, and his strong dislike for children. After Jurassic Park, when he realized how good he had it with her, he couldn’t handle it. He realized she deserved better. Jurassic Park turned him sour. He refused to go to therapy for his night terrors and PTSD. He would jump at the slightest of sounds and he would go quiet for days at a time, refusing to speak and only focusing on work. He became a burden to her and he realized that. She had her own share of issues since the park, but she kept her strength up. She got help and was progressing with her life, unlike Alan. He realized he was keeping her from starting a new chapter in her life. She wanted to get married and have children. Live the dream of domesticity and she deserved it more than anyone. He knew he couldn’t be selfish enough to force her to stay out of pity anymore. He was a broken man and she deserved better.
When Alan met Billy for the first time, he was annoyed by the freshmen’s enthusiasm. The kid smiled and laughed too much. It was like he didn’t have a care in the world like life hadn’t fucked him over yet, and Alan envied him for it. He tried to keep the kid as far away from him as possible, but Billy was persistent. Always staying late to help at the dig, offering to aid in the most mundane tasks, and always asking questions. But never those questions. Billy would get angry and put the other student’s in their place when he heard them discussing Jurassic Park or when the others would get pissy about Alan refusing their invasive and triggering questions. Billy stuck up for Alan even though Alan kept him at arm's length. He doesn’t remember when Billy started creeping into his heart, but he knows he only realized it when he watched the water turn red with his friend’s blood. He realized he made the same mistake as before with Ellie.
He never thanked Billy for all his love and care. Alan would regularly fall asleep from staying up late grading papers and wake up to find a blanket over him with his coffee table filled with his papers all graded by the sleeping kid on his armchair. Billy was a pain in the ass to wake up in the morning though. Alan would have to shake him and make vague threats towards him to get him up. His eyes would be a dull blue compared to his normal vibrancy and his beautiful hair, that seemed to always be in place, would be a complete wreck. Alan would ruffle his hair to get a rise out of him. Then Alan would take his shower, while Billy would make breakfast. Billy always burnt the toast, but never forgot the perfect amount of cheese for Alan’s eggs. Alan realized he would miss the smell of black coffee and burnt toast in the morning. Billy’s eggs were unbeatable and he would never have them again. If he had known that the day he went to hop on the plane with Mr.Kirby would be the last day he would have Billy’s eggs, he would have eaten them slower.
Alan would often get so focused in his work he would forget to take care of himself. Billy would make up for where Alan lacked. During the long days at the dig, Alan would forget to hydrate himself under the blistering sun so Billy would hand him a water without a word. He would refuse to let Alan continue his work until he finished the bottle. Alan would glare at him for his overbearing presence and Billy would smile back with fondness. The thing is Billy understood Alan for who he was and accepted him. He understood that Alan was broken and would regularly help put him back together after an episode. He would hold Alan close and comb his fingers through Alan’s hair until they fell asleep. Neither of them ever brought it up and that was something Alan appreciated greatly. Billy understood that Alan would go silent for days at a time after an episode. Billy didn’t mind the silence. They would go about their day normally, Billy taking care of Alan and Alan brushing him off. Sometimes, Billy would put his feet on Alan’s lap and they would read together. It was strangely intimate, but neither minded.
Billy was Alan’s support. It was in Billy’s nature. He didn’t talk about his family often due to him disapproving of their stereotypical rich family attitude, along with how they treat their youngest. Billy was the only one in his family who kept in contact with his little sister. They weren’t close, but they were there for each other when it counted. Alan didn’t even know about Mary-Anne until Billy asked for a week off to take care of his sister after her breast augmentation surgery. Billy said that it was important for him to show his support for her even though he didn’t understand her. Billy just knew that his sibling was happier being Mary-Anne than being who her family thought she was and that’s what mattered to him. It took Alan longer to accept, but after he met her, he knew she was a kind-hearted woman and it didn’t matter who she was before she embraced herself. When Billy invited Alan to go with him to Mary-Anne and her girlfriend’s for Thanksgiving last year, instead of being alone, he decided to join them. The ladies were as charming as the last time he met them. He doesn’t know how he is going to tell Mary that her only family is gone. He won’t be able to look her in the eyes, not when she’s got the same gorgeous baby blues.
Alan for the first time since God knows when prays. He prays for another miracle, even though he knows he used the only one God had for him back at Jurassic Park, but that doesn’t stop him. He doesn’t know how he can go back to the trailer they shared at the dig. It will be too much. He needs Billy to take care of him, to make him laugh and smile. When Ellie and Ian met Billy for the first time, both were stunned when Billy managed to make Alan laugh. Ellie teared up at the progress Alan had made with Billy’s help and Ian teased them by asking when the wedding was. Billy blushed and smiled sweetly, while Alan swatted at Ian with his hat. Alan wonders if his friends knew of his feelings for the kid before he did and if maybe Billy felt the same.
When Alan sees Billy, everything stops for a moment. Nothing else in the world matters, not his burning lungs, or adrenaline pumping through his system still, not even the little voice in his head saying something will still go wrong and he’ll die on this damned island. He immediately goes over to his almost lover and smiles. He could cry at how beautiful Billy looks even in those bandages. Billy smiles at him and it breaks him. He gets on his knees and cries into Billy's arm. He is shushed and Billy weakly moves his fingers through Alan’s hair calming him. When Alan looks up, his eyes are puffy and Billy brushes away his tears. Alan kisses the inside of Billy's hand and then takes it into his own. It's colder than normal. Billy then motions weakly towards Alan's hat laying on top of his stomach and weakly says,
“I saved your hat,” with a small teasing smile. Alan grins back retorting,
”Well, that’s the important thing.” He is then asked to take a seat and he hesitates. Billy nods as to stay ‘it’s alright’ and for the first time in a long time Alan thinks everything might be with Billy by his side.