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Chapter Text

“Dei, I have been telling you over and over again!” growled Onoki. He stood in the doorway of the living room, his hands planted firmly on his hips. “You need to learn to drive!”

“I’m trying!” yelled Deidara. He stared back at the television screen. It was a programme about guys who’d been making bombs in their house and had full details of how they’d done it. Of course, Deidara couldn’t resist sitting and intently watching.

“Deidara – are you listening?!” demanded Onoki, glaring at him. “You’re not trying if you’re not having lessons!”

“No one will take me anymore!” Deidara tried to peer around the old man as he moved further into the room and stood in front of the television screen, blocking his view of the exciting explosion that was about to happen.

Onoki frowned. “That’s rubbish…how many instructors have you had?!”

“Five!”

“Well, then there must be more!” he triumphantly exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. “If you won’t find an instructor…I’ll find one for you!”

“Good luck,” muttered Deidara. As Onoki left the room, he flicked the volume up on the television to savour the sound of the ensuing explosion. Perfect.

The next day, Deidara woke up at one in the afternoon and wandered downstairs sleepily. He sat eating coco pops in his shorts, oversized t-shirt and socks at the kitchen table, as he swung his legs from the chair. Thoughtfully, he mused to himself about the practicalities of building one of the bombs he’d seen yesterday, about where he could gather the materials, and how he could do it without Onoki spotting them. Once he had them, then maybe he could attach it to one of his clay pieces, and see how that would work.

“You’re awake!” announced Onoki triumphantly, emerging into the kitchen and clutching a basket of washing.

“Yeah,” said Deidara.

“Are you dressed?”

Deidara sarcastically glanced at his shorts and over-sized t-shirt. “Well, I’m not naked, am I?”

Onoki shook his head. “Honestly Deidara…you better get ready because I’ve booked you in for a driving lesson today.”

Deidara frowned. “With who, hm?”

“The guy they call…” Onoki trailed off, as he placed the basket of washing on the table in front of him. He reached in through the jumble of dry clothes, and started to sort through them. “The last resort.”

“The what?” repeated Deidara.

“The last resort,” said Onoki, folding up a pair of Kurotsuchi’s trousers. “His name is Sasori. Now get ready. He doesn’t like people who are late.”

Deidara clamoured upright, and then wandered into the bathroom. He brushed his teeth then combed through his long blond hair. He wandered back into his room, before picking out a pair of comfortable shoes for driving in, leggings and a top. He got dressed, then sat waiting at the window, wondering why on earth this Sasori guy was known as ‘the last resort.’

A black car with red clouds stuck on pulled up outside. Deidara squinted, then spotted a short little man with red hair sitting behind the driving wheel through the windscreen of the car. The little man frowned, looking at his watch. His eyes were half-closed, although Deidara supposed that was due to the frown he wore.

But what Deidara could not take his eyes off was the rest of the car…it had a hideous face with some horrific spikes of black hair on the front, two arms dangling from the front lights, and an even more hideous face on the roof. It looked like some weird kind of puppet car.

How on earth did anyone expect him to learn to drive that?!

Deidara opened the front door, and walked out to meet his new driving instructor.

“Hello?” he asked, staring at the car. It looked even more freaky and garish now that he was standing right next to it than it did from the window. Deidara internally wondered whether or not to kick Onoki for this, as if this was meant to be some kind of ridiculous joke for failing his test the last few times.

“You’re one minute late,” sniffed the man, climbing out the car. He looked up at Deidara, with his eyes still half-closed. Deidara wondered whether he was really annoyed or if that was just his permanent expression. But he was glad to realise that the man was shorter than he was, and nearly did a dance for joy. He loved it when people were shorter than he was.

Then he wondered how old the man was. He was definitely an adult, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to drive a car or even be a driving instructor. But with his clear skin, long lashes, and dainty doll-like features, he looked like a fifteen year old.

“My watch says I’m on time, yeah,” replied Deidara, glancing at his wrist.

“Your watch is slow,” said the man, his eyes flickering back in the car at the dashboard, which Deidara noticed ran a few minutes faster than his watch. “Next time, make sure you’re here punctually.”

“I am punc-” Deidara protested, but the man threw a glare at him. Deidara decided the ensuing argument and tensions weren’t worth it, not when Onoki was probably glaring at him from the window of the house. He turned back to the little man. “Shall we drive?”

Deidara climbed into the driver’s seat, and the man climbed into the front passenger seat with the dual pedals.

“So,” said the man. “I’m Sasori.”

“Deidara.”

“This car is called Hiruko,” added Sasori. Before Deidara could even why Sasori had named a car and attached creepy puppet faces and arms to it, Sasori continued. “Onoki tells me that your last instructor kicked you out of their car, and that you’ve failed your practical test already. Is that right?”

“That’s right,” admitted Deidara.

“Apparently you nearly ran over a blind man,” stated Sasori. His tone of voice sounded completely unimpressed. “You know the Highway Code tells you to be considerate to people who are blind?”

“Yeah but Itachi’s not considerate to me,” retorted Deidara. “He made me fail my test by deliberately going out the house and walking in the road. Hm!”

Sasori raised an eyebrow at Deidara.

“I told him to stay inside!” insisted Deidara.

“You can’t tell people to stay inside. On the road, everyone has their own business, and won’t stop for anyone. You need to learn to navigate that, including being considerate to blind people,” Sasori glared at Deidara. He settled back in his seat, folding his arms on his lap. “So. We’ll go for a little drive now, and see how you do. When it’s safe to do so, please start the car and drive forward.”

Deidara looked at the controls. At least they seemed normal enough and hadn’t been modified to look like clowns or be doll heads or something.

Deidara readjusted his seat, to give himself some more leg room than Sasori need. He glanced at the side mirrors, realising that he could see more of the tarmac than he could of the sun. He glanced back up to readjust his front mirror, and yelped in shock. Sitting propped up in the back passenger seat was a life size puppet man with spiky dark navy hair.

“What is that?” whimpered Deidara.

“That’s my boyfriend,” stated Sasori sarcastically.

“But that’s a-” Deidara turned around to stare at it.

“Puppet, yes. Isn’t he beautiful?” asked Sasori. He leant back and readjusted the seatbelt strapped across the puppet’s chest. Then, he reached further back, and stroked the puppet’s cheek with the back of his hand.

Deidara thought that the puppet was the freakiest thing he’d seen since the car, but decided not to comment.

“His name is Sandaime. I bring him on all of my driving classes,” explained Sasori, settling back into his own seat. “If you break harshly, crash, swerve around bends, and he falls down, I’ll kill you.”

Deidara couldn’t believe what he had just heard. “What?”

“If you damage him while driving, I’ll kill you,” threatened Sasori. “Now drive.”

Deidara turned back, then pressed his foot against the clutch. He put the car in first gear, before finding the biting point. He checked his blind spots, then released the handbrake.

The car began to roll forwards. Deidara turned the steering wheel, avoiding clipping Onoki’s own car as he didn’t want to antagonise the beast, before pressing on the gas pedal. The car sped up to seven miles per hour, and so Deidara pressed down on the clutch, before switching to second gear.

It felt weird to drive again after being kicked out his last instructor’s car. Deidara wiggled the steering wheel, trying to get comfortable again. But feeling the empty vapid eyes of Sandaime the puppet in the seat behind him did very little to reassure him.

“Check your road position!” barked Sasori. “Look at all the parked cars…imagine if all of their doors were open!”

Deidara turned the driving wheel to the right, to drive more in the centre of the road.

“Check your right mirror before you come out!” barked Sasori.

“But you told me to check my road position!” protested Deidara, staring at his right mirror.

“Look ahead! Look at the hazard lines ahead at the end of the road!” Sasori jabbed a finger at the end of the road where on the left side of the road, were a series of double white lines with small breaks between. “What do they tell you?”

“I have to stop before I join the next road?”

“Yes!”

Deidara slowed the car with the brakes, and then pressed the clutch back down, changing back into first gear. He let the car crawl to the edge of the road, and then pressed back down on the brake, stopping the car.

“Indicators!” barked Sasori.

Deidara slapped the indicator toggle down. He glanced back and forth for any other drivers, but the road was clear. Deidara lifted his foot up on the clutch, finding the biting point, before releasing the brake pedal. He turned the steering wheel, steering into the next road. He pressed on the gas pedal, then put the car into second gear.

“Who’s come into this road behind us?” asked Sasori.

Deidara’s eyes flickered up to the mirror at the top of the car. He jolted again, realising that the ugly freaky puppet was still staring at him. He jumped again in his seat at Sandaime the puppet’s freaky appearance, then settled back into his seat, refocusing on the road, before replying. “No one.”

“Straight ahead,” instructed Sasori.

Deidara pressed on the gas pedal again, so that the car reached twenty miles per hour. They drove down the next road, heading towards the high street. At the end of the road, Deidara repeated his routine, this time without Sasori prompting him, and turned into the next road.

In the high street, it was crowded with cars, vans, delivery vehicles, buses, and pedestrians running in the road like maniacs. Deidara lifted his foot off the gas pedal, slowing down to allow a bus to pull out in front of him.

“Why are you slowing down?” demanded Sasori.

“To let that bus pull out!” Deidara pointed at it, as the bus steered into its driving position.

“We could have made it. Too slow decision making,” scolded Sasori. “Back on the gas!”

Deidara looked out the window, then noticed that the bus had driven away. He restarted the car in first gear, pressed on the gas once again, then switched to second gear.

“Look what’s coming up ahead!” ordered Sasori.

Deidara looked up from the gear stick, and saw the traffic lights.

“They’re green,” he retorted, before pressing on the gas pedal.

“No they’re not!” Sasori pointed. The lights had turned amber as Deidara had reached them.

Deidara grunted, and then pressed the gas pedal again.

“You just ran a red light!” Sasori shouted. “Highway Code…you do not drive when a red light is showing!”

“Highway Code!” Deidara shouted back. “If the lights have just turned amber and to stop the car would have caused a further problem, you can keep driving!”

He continued to drive up the high street, narrowly avoiding idiots climbing out their cars on the side of the road, stopping to allow a screeching ambulance to pass, getting stuck behind another slow-moving bus, which made Sasori tut furiously, before finally driving back into the residential area of the town.

“Did you do any manoeuvres or parking?” asked Sasori.

“Erm…I can do nose bay parking, reverse bay parking, and parallel parking, but that’s what they failed me on,” replied Deidara.

“We’ll do one of those,” said Sasori. “Keep driving up ahead.”

Deidara continued to drive, and then they found a road where there were few cars scattered around.

“When it’s safe to do so, pull over,” said Sasori.

Deidara signalled left, and then pressed the brakes to slow the car. He pressed down on the clutch, slipped the car back into first gear, allowed it to crawl forwards until he had driven past someone’s driveway, and then pressed the brakes and stopped the car.

“That was dreadful,” stated Sasori. “Why did they even let you book your test?”

“Oi, I haven’t even had a chance to practise driving for weeks since the last guy kicked me out of his car!” protested Deidara. “I’m just out of practise…my driving is awesome!”

Sasori raised his eyebrows, and stared ahead out the window at a parked car beside the pavement. “If that’s so, then parallel park next to that car over there.”

“That’s really harsh!”

“Do it,” stated Sasori.

Deidara groaned, and then started the car back up. He drove beside the car, lined up against it, and then braked. He checked around his blind spots, before pressing down on the clutch and putting the car into reverse.

Slowly, he lifted his foot on the clutch, waiting until he heard the biting point.

Deidara took a deep breath, and released the brake.

Immediately his hands twisted the steering wheel, full locking it to the left. The car started to turn to the left, whilst reversing. Deidara waited until he was halfway there, before pressing back down on the clutch and then the brake.

This was the horrible bit.

Deidara took another deep breath, and then lifted the clutch until he heard the biting point. Slowly, he released the brake, and then desperately turned the steering wheel right, his hands scrambling rapidly.

He felt the car practically spin in a circle, lurching out of the position he’d reversed it in and almost across the road.

“Oh my god!” he yelped.

Sasori slammed down on the pedals on his side. “Keep turning the steering wheel!”

“I am!” cried Deidara.

“Faster!”

Sasori released the pedals, as Deidara kept trying to turn the steering wheel. The car jolted, and then stalled.

“Well, that was excellent driving,” stated Sasori.

“I told you, this was where I failed!” Deidara slammed his head on the steering wheel, and then the horn blared.

Sasori reached over and lifted Deidara up by the half ponytail of his hair. “Don’t take your eyes off the road when the car is not secure!”

“What shall I do now?” asked Deidara.

Sasori rolled his eyes. “Let’s leave parallel parking for now. We’ll drive around for a bit.”

Using the dual controls, Sasori helped Deidara out of the awkward position he was in and then back out onto the road. Deidara took over the controls, and began to drive down the road.

“You’re driving too slowly,” stated Sasori.

“It’s a residential area, you’re meant to go slow,” replied Deidara.

“Not at fifteen miles per hour,” scolded Sasori. “We might as well walk. Faster!”

“Fine, I’ll hit the gas,” Deidara slammed on the gas pedal, and the car shot forwards. Deidara pressed down on the clutch, putting it into third gear. There was an upcoming bend in the road, and usually Deidara would have slowed the car, but he didn’t want to risk antagonising Sasori after he’d told him off for driving too slowly.

So Deidara pressed on the gas pedal.

As he turned around the bend, out of nowhere, loomed a garden wall. Deidara smashed the front of the car straight into it. Bricks spattered across the lawn, and Sasori slammed on the breaks, as the car lurched to a stop in the middle of the garden.

“What did you do that for?!” he demanded.

“You said I was driving slowly!” cried Deidara.

“I said you were driving slowly on a straight road, I didn’t say shoot around a bend!” yelled Sasori. “Highway Code…when you drive around a bend, you have less visibility of the road ahead, so you slow the car!”

“I’m sorry!” Deidara stared at the broken wall, and then drew a deep breath when he noticed a terrifying orange-haired man with several facial piercings staring out the window of the house at him.

“Don’t apologise to me, it’s not my garden wall you’ve just destroyed. Well, unless you’ve damaged Hiruko,” Sasori scowled. He twisted in his seat, and Deidara remembered Sandaime the freaky puppet in the backseat. Deidara glanced up into the front mirror. Mercifully, the puppet was still in place, gazing listlessly with vapid eyes back at Deidara. Sasori turned back. “Luckily for you, Sandaime is fine. But if you knock him over, I’ll kill you.”

Deidara whimpered, and stared back at the house. The orange-haired man with the facial piercings had disappeared, and Deidara had a strong suspicion of where he was coming next. The front door began to rattle, opening from the inside.

Quickly, Deidara pressed down the clutch, putting the car in reverse and reversing back out of the garden and destroyed remnants of the wall. Then he put it into first gear, and slammed on the gas.

“What are you doing?!” Sasori exploded.

“Getting away from the terrifying orange punk!” squealed Deidara. He put the car into second gear, and then into third, hurtling further along the bend.

“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Sasori folded his arms.

“My friend Hidan does this all the time,” assured Deidara.

Sasori frowned. “What, smashing people’s garden walls and driving away?”

“More or less,” shrugged Deidara.

“And what other kinds of idiotic things does this friend of yours like to do?” asked Sasori.

“God knows,” said Deidara, driving back down into the high street. He successfully drove past a bus before it pulled out, and Sasori stayed silent. Spotting a white van blocking his driving position, he checked his right mirror, then pulled out. He checked his left mirror, then drove back into his driving position.

Seeing a clear road up ahead, he pressed on the gas pedal again.

At that moment, a silver-haired man emerged out of nowhere and strode across the road without a second glance. Deidara shrieked, Sasori went to slam on the breaks, but it was too late, as the man lay splayed across the windscreen, staring in at them with angry magenta eyes.

“HIDAN!” shrieked Deidara.

“Fuck you! Hitting me with your fucking car!” Hidan cursed through the window pane. He put his middle finger up and pressed it against the glass.

“Stop this car!” commanded Sasori. “Pull over. I’ll drive you home.”

Deidara leant out the window, checked his mirrors, and indicated. He pulled over on the right, and then climbed out of the car, shaking. Sasori climbed out, and switched places with him. Relieved, Deidara sagged against the passenger seat of the car. He stared at the windscreen, waiting for Hidan to clamour down and saunter off.

Sasori restarted the car, and then began to drive down the high street towards Deidara’s house.

“See…when I see a red light, I slow down,” lectured Sasori, pressing on the brakes. He pressed the clutch, slipped the car into first gear, and then stopped the car.

“I can’t see it,” said Deidara, as he looked straight ahead out of the window.

“I can see it out the right window,” replied Sasori. When the lights presumably turned green, he lifted his foot on the clutch, released the brake, and then pressed on the gas pedal. He guided the car smoothly back to Deidara’s house, and then parked outside.

Deidara breathed deeply, whilst Sasori secured the car. Once the car was parked, he leant back in his seat, and gently caressed the cheek of the puppet fondly, before he turned back to Deidara.

“I’ll be seeing you next week. Make sure you reread your copy of the Highway Code and restudy your driving theory,” instructed Sasori.

“You actually want me back next week?” asked Deidara.

Sasori waved him out of his car.

Deidara clamoured out, and then watched as Sasori restarted his strange car, pulling off with Hidan still stuck to the windscreen of the car and cursing like a sailor.

Chapter Text

The following week, Deidara was prepared. He set his alarm three hours before Sasori was due to arrive, and made sure that he was dressed and ready to meet Sasori with an extra hour to spare. Ten minutes before Sasori was due to arrive, he was sitting out on the wall in front of the house ten minutes, and he had a little trick up his sleeve to ensure he didn’t hit anyone – or rather a certain individual – with the car again this week.

Sasori pulled up in Hiruko the car, and glanced out the window. He unwound the window, and stated. “You’re early.”

“That’s right!” beamed Deidara.

Sasori frowned, and then stared at Deidara’s silvery-haired companion. “Why is he here? It took me ages to scrub him off my windscreen last week…all my other pupils were complaining.”

“Because if Hidan is IN the car, then I can’t hit him WITH the car,” announced Deidara proudly. He turned to Hidan as Hidan perched on the wall beside him. “Get in the backseat.”

“I want to sit in the front,” protested Hidan.

“You’re not a driving instructor, get in the backseat!” ordered Deidara. He pointed to the puppet. “Look, you’ve got a friend to talk to!”

Hidan clamoured into the backseat next to Sandaime as the puppet stared listlessly ahead at the driver’s seat, whilst Sasori moved to the front passenger seat. Deidara sat in the driver’s seat, then adjusted the seat to his height, the mirrors to his eye level, before glancing in the back to make sure Hidan had his seatbelt on.

“Put your seatbelt on, Hidan!” barked Deidara.

“No,” complained Hidan, reclining back in the seat and folding his arms.

“Put it on.”

“No!”

“Put it on!” Deidara ordered.

“But it chafes my nipples!” protested Hidan, holding his hands over his pectorals for emphasis.

“Wear a shirt!” Deidara scolded.

“I don’t want to,” whined Hidan.

“Deidara is legally unable to drive this car until you put a seatbelt on,” stated Sasori. “And I don’t like waiting. Put it on!”

Hidan reluctantly clipped on his belt, and sat back, clutching a packet of crisps. With Hidan safely secured in the car, Deidara checked all his blind spots, pressed on the clutch, put the car in first gear, checked his blind spots again, then released the handbrake.

Hidan opened the packet of crisps as Deidara pressed on the gas pedal, then slipped into second gear. He began to chew noisily, then turned to the puppet resting next to him. He held out the packet of crisps and offered it to the puppet. “Want a crisp?”

“It’s a puppet,” replied Deidara.

Hidan did a double-take, the crisps nearly exploding out of their packet. “Oh my Jashin! That thing is fucking freaky!”

“He’s beautiful!” shouted Sasori.

“You need your eyes tested,” Hidan leant forwards, scooping up a stray crisp from the car floor and popping it in his mouth. “Because you can’t be a driving instructor if you can’t see more than twenty metres ahead, and I’d need to stand at least a hundred metres away to find that thing acceptable to look at.”

“How dare you!” shouted Sasori.

Deidara was silent, concentrating on driving to the end of the road, before deciding to add his input. “He is a bit weird.”

“He’s not weird!”

“None of my other instructors had puppets in their cars,” said Deidara.

“And none of them managed to get you passed, did they?” seethed Sasori. “Look out for the hazard lines!”

Deidara abruptly applied the brakes, slipping the car back into first gear, and stopping to take a look for any oncoming traffic on the road they were joining.

“Yeah, Dei, Highway Code, you’re not meant to get distracted by passengers in the car,” added Hidan, leaning forwards. He turned back to the puppet, then lifted its arm to wave at Deidara in the reflection of the wing mirror. “What do you think, buddy?”

“PUT HIM DOWN!” Sasori screamed.

Deidara jolted in the air, and the car stalled. Hidan fell back in his seat, the puppet slumped back against the passenger seat, and Sasori whirled around.

“Don’t touch him!” he snarled, jabbing a finger in Hidan’s face. His expression softened, as he reached over, and stroked the puppet, tucking him back into position. “There, there, poor Sandaime.”

“Dei, you should probably drive, there’s a queue forming,” warned Hidan.

Reluctantly, Sasori turned around, helped Deidara manoeuvre out the road, and drive on. Hidan slumped back against the passenger seat, bored.

“So, what are we going to learn today?” asked Deidara, his eyes scanning the road ahead for oncoming traffic and obstructions.

“Well, you definitely need to practise your parallel parking,” said Sasori, his eyes scanning the road ahead for any oncoming traffic and obstructions that Deidara may have missed.

“Haha, Deidara can’t parallel park,” sang Hidan.

“Shut up!” Deidara snapped.

“I want to see you practise bay parking while we’re out too,” added Sasori.

“Haha, Deidara can’t bay park!” sang Hidan.

“Shut up!” Deidara snapped again.

“And then reverse bay parking, we’ll do that today too,” decided Sasori.

“Haha, Deidara can’t reverse bay park either!” sang Hidan.

“Shut up! I can do both of them!” shouted Deidara.

“Prove it,” said Hidan.

“I will, yeah!” Deidara stared at the road ahead.

“Keep driving ahead,” instructed Sasori. “I’ll direct you the nearest car park, and then we’ll go from there.”

Deidara continued driving ahead.

“Dei, this is boring,” complained Hidan. “Go faster!”

“I’m about to turn into the high street where my anticipation needs to be higher, I need to slow the car, you fucking dick!” scolded Deidara.

“Check your mirrors! Then signal!” barked Sasori.

Deidara checked his right mirror, drove into his side of the road, then signalled right. He slowed the car, slipped back into first gear, and then waited for the road to clear.

“Hurry up,” complained Hidan, sticking his feet on the back of Sasori’s chair.

“Get your feet off of my chair,” growled Sasori.

“I’m falling asleep!” Hidan went on.

Deidara found the biting point, and waited until the car roared. He lifted off the brakes, straight onto the gas, shooting down the road.

“Holy Jashin, Dei!” Hidan jolted upright. “Much better! Now faster!”

Deidara pressed the brakes, put the car back into second gear, and crawled down the high street, keeping his eyes peeled for pedestrians, oncoming traffic, and various obstructions.

“Look out, Dei, a fire truck!” shouted Hidan, leaning forwards and pointing out the front window.

Deidara frantically looked for it.

“Just kidding!” Hidan sniggered, slouching back into his seat.

“You fucking-” Deidara turned around, taking his hands off of the steering wheel, and launched himself at Hidan in the backseat.

“Eyes on the road!” yelled Sasori.

Deidara and Hidan tussled.

“DOG!” shouted Sasori. He slammed on the brakes, as Kisame ran into the road chasing after his dog Samehada. Deidara sat back in his seat, stared ahead and realise who he’d almost killed, and whimpered.

“You idiot!” Sasori practically screamed. “You do not fight your passengers! Never take your eyes off the road!”

“Kisame’s all right, though, right?” asked Hidan. They all glanced out as Kisame wrestled his dog back onto her leash on the pavements, without so much as a second glance at them.

“Thanks to me,” Sasori slunk back in his seat. “Deidara, restart the car.”

Deidara restarted the car, and began to drive on through the rest of the high street, until they reached a parking lot beside a shopping centre.

“All right, Deidara, find a bay, and reverse bay park,” instructed Sasori.

Deidara slipped the car back into first gear, and began to crawl through the car park, looking for an empty bay. Luckily, it was midday, and not too many people were parked, so he found some empty bays soon enough. He slowed the car, pressed on the clutch, chose his bay, then put the car in reverse.

Deidara lifted the clutch, released the brake, and began to frantically turn the car to the right. Hidan watched, before settling against the seat of his chair. His eyes half-closed.

“You didn’t indicate, brat,” drawled Sasori.

“No one is here,” retorted Deidara. He continued to twist the steering wheel, full locking it, and waited for the car to fit into the bay.

The car ended up sprawled across two bays.

“That was clever,” stated Sasori.

Deidara gritted his teeth. “I’ll try again.”

He put the car in first gear, drove out the bay, and back through the car park. Meanwhile, Hidan settled against the puppet’s shoulder, falling into sleep.

“Drive along until you’re between the two lines of that bay there, then brake,” instructed Sasori, as he demonstrated to Deidara how to perform the manoeuvre. “Now, put the car in reverse, and your car should fit into the bay three spaces back…”

Deidara did as he was told, and then lifted the clutch, released the brake, and began to reverse into a bay.

Sasori sat back in the front passenger seat, his feet still covering the controls in case Deidara did something stupid, and looked back in the front mirror at Hidan…sleeping on Sandaime’s shoulder.

Sasori slammed on the brake and clutch, stalling the car with a jolt. Deidara squealed, leapt up right, his foot accidently revving the gas pedal. He turned to face Sasori, as Hidan also leapt up away from Sandaime’s shoulder.

“Don’t touch my puppet,” snarled Sasori.

“Your what?” asked Hidan.

“Get away from my puppet!” shrieked Sasori.

Hidan shuffled away from the puppet on the car seat towards the passenger window. Sasori turned back to Deidara.

“Excuse me, Deidara, but let’s leave reverse bay parking for another day,” he decided. “Exit the car park through the way we came, and we’ll do the high street again.”

Deidara restarted the car, and then exited the car park. He began to drive back through the town in second gear, keeping his eyes ahead on the road. He slowed to let an ambulance get past, checked his left mirror, and turned in to a space on the left to avoid a large white van, before checking his right mirror and moving back out, driving down a clear stretch of road with a bus stop on the side of front passenger seat and Hidan’s back passenger seat.

Hidan stared out ahead at the oncoming bus stop, and noticed Asuma Sarutobi and Shikamaru Nara were standing there, waiting for the next bus. Asuma was puffing away at a cigarette, and Shikamaru was staring at the clouds up ahead.

Hidan grinned deviously, then leant forwards and tapped Deidara on the shoulder. “Hey Dei, open my window for me, will you?”

“Why?” asked Deidara.

“Just do it man!” Hidan insisted, unclipping his seatbelt. Deidara reached to the panel on the dashboard and pressed the button. Hidan’s window rolled down, and he sat upright.

“You need to wear your-” Sasori was cut off as Hidan ignored him.

Hidan stuck his head out the window, then leaning his elbow against the window ledge, lifted his whole upper body out of the window. The wind ruffled his silvery hair, and he blinked in the sudden rush of air. Hidan composed himself, then faced Shikamaru and Asuma directly, as Deidara drove past the bus stop, and directly addressed them.

“BUS WANKERS!” he screamed.

Both Asuma and Shikamaru leapt in the air, and Asuma dropped his cigarette. They both stared at Hidan’s retreating form. Hidan climbed back in the car and put his seatbelt back on. He quickly smoothed his dishevelled hair back into his preferred slicked back style, all the whilst creasing with laughter.

“Bus wankers?” Deidara howled with laughter, pressing on the gas pedal to get away from the bus stop quickly. “Where did that come from?”

“A tv show I like!” Hidan grinned.

“Stop distracting the driver!” scolded Sasori. He turned back to the front of the car, and then looked out the front window. “Deidara, there’s a traffic queue coming up ahead.”

Deidara lifted his foot from the gas pedal, and the car slowed.

“Why are we slowing down? It’ll move in a minute,” scorned Hidan.

“You don’t know that,” replied Deidara, as he checked his front mirror for any traffic behind him. There wasn’t any, so he decided not to brake as he didn’t need to use his brake lights to warn anyone behind him that he was slowing down.

“Look, up ahead there’s traffic lights that have gone amber!” protested Hidan. “The traffic queue will go soon. You can keep going!”

“No, let the car slow down!” argued Deidara, turning around to face Hidan. He took one hand off the steering wheel and pointed to Sasori. “Sasori’s the instructor, he agrees with me, don’t you, Sasori?”

“Look out!” shouted Sasori.

Deidara turned to face the windscreen, and his blue eyes widened. He drew a deep breath of horror, and then froze.

Sasori tried to slam on the brakes but it was too late.

Before either of them knew it, Sasori’s puppet car slammed into the back of the car in front. Sasori, Deidara, Hidan and the puppet jolted up and back down again, and the car jerked to a halt.

“Look what you did!” Sasori yelled. “You rear-ended a car!”

“Hidan distracted me!” protested Deidara.

In front of him, the driver of the car in front climbed out. The man was well over six foot, built like a tank, and very angry-looking, with bloodshot green eyes and several scars and stitches across his face. He walked to the back of his car, inspected the damage, and turned with a furious scowl to Deidara.

“Uh oh,” stated Hidan.

“Holy shit,” breathed Deidara, griping the steering wheel.

“He’s coming,” said Hidan, as the man took several purposeful paces towards Sasori’s car.

“Shit, he’s coming!” Deidara cried. “Oh shit!”

“That’s Kakuzu the banker,” stated Sasori. “Now you’re screwed…really screwed.”

“It’s his own fucking fault for not looking in his front mirror and driving his own fucking car,” Hidan unclipped his seatbelt, and then climbed out the car.

“Wait, what? What are you doing?” squealed Deidara.

“Watch this,” instructed Hidan, storming around the back of the car and right up to Kakuzu, yelling straight into the older man’s face. “OI! LOOK IN YOUR FRONT MIRROR IDIOT! USE YOUR FUCKING GAS PEDAL!”

“YOU REAR-ENDED ME!” roared Kakuzu, yelling straight back in Hidan’s face. “THE SECOND CAR IS ALWAYS ACCOUNTABLE!”

“BITCH, YOU JUST WISH I WOULD REAR-END YOU!” Hidan shouted back.

Back in the car, Sasori turned to Deidara, who watched the scene, still stunned. Sasori opened his mouth and uttered a single word.

“Drive.”

Chapter Text

Deidara once again sat outside on the wall of his house. He hadn’t told Onoki, or Kurotsuchi in case she told Onoki, about the incident where he’d rear-ended Kakuzu’s car. He hadn’t heard from Sasori about it either, and so he figured it probably wasn’t his problem. If anything ever came of it, Deidara decided that he would firmly lay the blame for incident on Hidan for being an annoying, distracting idiot.

Today, to keep Hidan out of harm’s way, Deidara had asked Sasori to schedule his lesson for first thing in the morning, when he knew that Hidan would still be asleep. That gave him a likelier chance of running over Itachi if Itachi decided to go out for a walk, but at least Itachi had a guide dog to help him see.

Unfortunately, Hidan didn’t have any kind of dog to help him not be a fucking idiot.

Sasori pulled up beside the house, and climbed out of the driver's seat. Hiruko the car looked practically undamaged despite the collision with Kakuzu’s car, and Sandaime the freaky puppet was still strapped in the back.

“Hi, Sasori,” greeted Deidara, as he sat down in the driver’s seat and Sasori sat in the front passenger’s seat with the dual control pedals. “What are we learning today?”

“Today, I’m taking you on the motorway,” replied Sasori.

“Wait, what? But learners aren’t allowed on the motorway!” protested Deidara.

“They are now. And I have somewhere I need to be,” said Sasori. To Deidara’s surprise, Sasori looked jittery, almost anxious, and yet almost…happy?

“Where?” asked Deidara.

“I’ll direct you,” replied Sasori. “Now, when you’re ready, start the car and pull off.”

Deidara pressed the clutch, switched on the ignition, put the car in first gear, found the biting point, checked his mirrors and his blind spots, then put the handbrake down. The car began to move, and Deidara pressed on the gas pedal, slipping the car into second gear, and then drove to the end of the road. He slowed the car, slipped back into first gear, and pressed the footbrake. He checked for any traffic, and when he realised the road was clear, released the footbrake and pressed on the accelerator, slipping back into second gear to drive through town.

Sasori directed him up the high street, where Deidara glanced from side to side in every single of one of his mirrors, taking note of every bus, every pedestrian, every lorry or van, the traffic lights, the side roads, the junctions, for fear of colliding with one of them, or braking too harshly and knocking Sandaime over. Once safely free of town, he pressed on the gas pedal so Sasori didn’t yell at for driving too slowly, and slipped into third gear.

“When we get to the roundabout, we’re going to take the second exit,” announced Sasori, as they reached the exit out of town.

Deidara checked his right mirror, then signalled right. He slowed down from third gear, to second, looking from left to right to ensure that the roundabout was clear. As it was clear, he carried on, turning the steering wheel and then signalling left to come off the roundabout once he reached the exit.

Deidara continued down the next road, pressing on the gas pedal.

“Put this car in third gear! You’re about to join a dual carriageway!” barked Sasori. He pointed to a sign of a white circle with a line through it. “What does that sign mean?”

“It means the national speed limit," replied Deidara.

“Which is?” asked Sasori.

“60mph for a single carriageway, 70mph for a dual carriageway.”

“Then for god’s sake, get this car going faster!” yelled Sasori.

Deidara pressed on the gas pedal firmly, going up into third gear.

“Faster!” shouted Sasori.

Deidara pressed the gas pedal again.

“Put this car in fifth gear!” commanded Sasori.

“But…it goes three, four, fifth?”

“You can skip a gear if you’re going fast enough. It’s called eco driving. Put it in fifth gear!”

Deidara did as he was told, and soon the car began driving at 60mph. Deidara relaxed, realising that he was driving at a steady speed, in a straight road, and there were no obvious obstructions or blockages.

“This is boring,” said Sasori, staring ahead at the back of a lorry. “That stupid lorry is blocking the way. Drive faster.”

“But if I get closer, he can’t see us. I need to keep a four second gap between us because he has less visibility in his wing mirrors and doesn't have a front wing mirror,” protested Deidara.

“We’re going to overtake him,” decided Sasori.

Deidara quickly turned to look at Sasori, horrified. “Wait, what?”

“Look in your right mirror,” said Sasori.

Deidara turned away and looked.

“What do you see?” asked Sasori.

“A land rover,” replied Deidara.

“How far away is it?”

“About three seconds away?”

“That’s plenty of time. Signal right,” commanded Sasori.

Deidara pressed the indicator to the right.

“Now, look over your right shoulder, and glide the car over into the overtaking lane,” said Sasori. “Smoothly, don’t jerk the steering wheel.”

In the overtaking lane, Deidara quickly glanced in the front mirror at who was behind him.

“Press on that gas pedal more. All the way to the floor,” commanded Sasori. “Get this car going at 70mph hour. I don’t like waiting around.”

“But it’s 65mph already,” protested Deidara, glancing quickly at the speedometer.

“Do it!” ordered Sasori. “I want to get past that stupidly slow lorry.”

Deidara pressed on the gas pedal as Sasori instructed, and soon the car raced down the dual carriageway, leading them away from their town, and closer towards the motorway.

“Where are we going, anyway?” asked Deidara.

“You’ll find out,” replied Sasori. “In your test, your examiner won’t tell you where you’re going, they’ll just give you directions. You need to learn to follow them.”

“I’ve overtaken the lorry now,” said Deidara, glancing in his left mirror, to see the lorry slowly growing smaller. “What do I do now?”

“Now, you signal left,” said Sasori, pointing to the indicator beside the steering wheel. “And when you have enough room, glide the car back into the left lane.”

Deidara pressed the left signal, and began to glide the car back into the left lane.

“What are you doing?” demanded Sasori.

“Going back into the left lane!”

“Why?”

“Because I’m meant to, right?” asked Deidara.

“Oh, you’re meant to,” replied Sasori. “But I never drive in the left lane on the dual carriageway, or the motorway. Because I don’t like waiting.”

“But…but the right lane is just for overtaking!”

“And?” shrugged Sasori. “I have places to be, and people to meet.”

Horrified, Deidara stared at the road ahead, wondering if this lesson could get any more terrifying.

“All right, here comes the motorway,” said Sasori, as the dual carriageway came to an end. “Keep pressing on that gas, but look at the cars already on the motorway, we need to match their speed but give them priority.”

Deidara pressed on the gas, keeping his eyes peeled for other cars. The cars moved into the right-hand landed for him, and Deidara joined the motorway from the slip road.

“There’s a van up there. Overtake him,” ordered Sasori.

“But there’s plenty of room and it’s clear!” Deidara gestured with one of his hands.

“But there won’t be for much longer,” said Sasori, as the gap between their car and the van closed. “Overtake him at once!”

Deidara signalled, then glanced over his right shoulder. Once he was sure the way was clear, he glided the car into the next lane steadily. He continued to press on the gas pedal, and the car continued along the motorway.

“So, you see that road next to the left lane,” pointed Sasori, to empty road past the lane they had overtaken, with several red reflector studs along it. “Do you know what it is?”

“The hard shoulder,” replied Deidara.

“That’s right. What is it used for?”

“Hidan says you use it to drop bodies off in the woods.”

“No!” barked Sasori. “Highway Code! What do you use the hard shoulder for?”

“Accidents and emergencies.”

“Such as?”

“If your car breaks down or you have a problem,” replied Deidara.

“What do you do if you have a problem and need assistance?”

“You walk to the nearest telephone operator along the hard shoulder, facing oncoming traffic,” replied Deidara.

“How far apart are the telephones?”

“Every mile or so.”

“Why is it better to use one of the telephones and not your mobile?”

“So that the operators can find your precise location.”

“What should you do whilst speaking to the operator?”

“Face the oncoming traffic.”

“When can you drive in the hard shoulder?” asked Sasori.

“When directed to by the police or a traffic warden, or when there is a speed limit on the gantry above the lane to show its being used as a running lane,” replied Deidara.

“That’s also right,” said Sasori. He settled back in his seat, and gazed out the window at the road ahead. “How can you tell the differences between what lane you are in?”

“The reflector studs,” said Deidara. “Red is for between the hard shoulder and the carriageway, white is for between the carriageways, green is for between the carriageway and slip roads, and amber is between the edge of the carriageway and the central reservation.”

“That’s right,” nodded Sasori. “I see you restudied your theory.”

Deidara continued to press on the gas, keeping his eyes focused on the road. The traffic was moving steadily, and he didn’t need to worry about changing lanes or overtaking.

Deidara glanced up at some of the road signs up ahead, instructing him in which lane to change into.

“Hey, Sasori? Which lane should I be in?” he asked.

“The one to Gatwick,” replied Sasori.

“Gatwick?” frowned Deidara. “Why are we going there? That’s an airport.”

“I know it’s an airport, brat. Get in the lane.”

Deidara signalled, and moved the car into the correct lane. He carried on driving, following the road round the motorway, towards Gatwick airport.

“Why are we going to Gatwick Airport?” asked Deidara.

“Shut up and hurry up,” Sasori glanced out the window at a plane that was flying low in the sky. He seemed to thrum with excitement, and his half-closed eyes had opened by a few millimetres. “I hate keeping people waiting.”

“But why are we going there?” repeated Deidara. “Are you sending me to Australia as a punishment for rear-ending someone’s car or something?”

“Don’t be so ridiculous, brat,” scolded Sasori. “Slow the car down now, we’re leaving the motorway. Do you see the countdown signs?”

Deidara noticed the blue rectangular sign with a countdown marker, and then another one as they grew closer to the exit. Deidara slowed the car back to 60mph, and they joined the dual carriageway, getting closer and closer to the airport.

As they drew near to the entrance, Sasori guided Deidara to the Arrivals terminal car park, which made Deidara sigh with relief. At least Sasori wasn’t about to shove Deidara on a plane against his will, and Deidara wouldn’t have to make an awkward phone call to Onoki to try and persuade him to wire him plane fare to get back.

“All right, park this car!” demanded Sasori, as soon as Deidara slowed to first gear to travel through the car park.

Deidara glanced around. “Where?”

“Anywhere!”

“What kind of parking manoeuvre?”

“Bay park!” blurted out Sasori. “Just do it!”

Deidara lined the car so that his wing mirror looked as if it was in a bay, and then full locked the car to the left, swinging into the bay. He pressed down on the clutch and then braked. He pulled up the handbrake, put the car in neutral, and then removed his feet from the pedals.

Sasori swung open his car door, and leapt out. Deidara frowned, confused, before switching off the ignition, and climbing out after him.

“Lock my car!” shouted Sasori, over his shoulder.

Deidara locked the car, giving Sandaime the freaky puppet a final glance, before following Sasori as he darted through the throngs of people.

Inside the airport, Sasori hurried to the arrivals gate, and stood, waiting.

“Why are we here?” demanded Deidara, as soon as he caught up with him.

“Be quiet, brat!” ordered Sasori.

Then, as if by some strange magic, Sandaime emerged from the arrivals gate, dragging along a suitcase.

“But that’s-” Deidara frowned.

Sasori ran through the crowds, and then flung his arms around Sandaime. Sandaime threw his free arm around Sasori’s shoulders, bent down and greeted Sasori with a passionate kiss to the lips. Deidara watched, stunned.

“But…but…I left him the car!” he gaped. “I left him the car and now he’s…he’s there?!”

“Hello, darling,” said Sandaime, releasing Sasori, but keeping his arm still firmly wrapped around Sasori's shoulders. “Did you miss me?”

Sasori had a strange gooey look in his eyes. “I always miss you.”

“But you’re-” Deidara stared at Sandaime.

“This is Sandaime,” Sasori gestured to Sandaime.

“Hi,” said Sandaime, leaning over with a hand for Deidara to shake.

Deidara shook it, then stared at Sasori.

“This is Deidara, the brat I’ve been teaching to drive,” explained Sasori, with a wave in Deidara’s direction. “Deidara, take San’s bags.”

“But he was in the car!” Deidara protested, as he took Sandaime’s luggage for him. They began to walk out of the arrivals lounge and back to the car.

“Oh, you’ve been driving around with the puppet? Sasori…that’s so sweet,” gushed Sandaime.

“What is going on here?” demanded Deidara.

“Sandaime is my boyfriend,” replied Sasori, threading his arm through Sandaime’s. Sasori’s head barely brushed against Sandaime’s shoulder as they strolled along, his red mop bobbing up and down, but never breaking above Sandaime’s shoulder line. “But he works hard in business and goes on lots of trips abroad, leaving me at home.”

“And I didn’t want my Sass-baby to be lonely,” explained Sandaime, gently patting Sasori’s hand with his free hand. “So I made him a puppet of me.”

“He’s been bringing it in the car on my lessons!” Deidara angrily barked, staggering with the weight of Sandaime’s bags. “He was threatening to kill me if I knocked the puppet over!”

“Oh Sasori, have you been scaring the pupils again?” scolded Sandaime, glancing down and shaking his head at Sasori. “You’ll never get them to pass if you keep terrorizing them.”

“Don’t worry baby, we can scare my next pupil together,” replied Sasori, as they reached the freaky puppet car. Sandaime’s puppet still sat staring up at them.

Deidara unlocked the car and stuffed Sandaime’s suitcase in the back, then clamoured back into the driver’s seat. Sandaime perched next to his puppet, and Deidara was startled by the uncanny resemblance. Meanwhile, Sasori sat in the front passenger seat and reached for his iPad.

“What are you doing?” demanded Deidara.

“Booking you in for your driving test,” replied Sasori, tapping away. “Your examiner will be a lady called Konan, and she’ll meet you next week, first thing on Monday morning. It’s been nice teaching you, but I’m sick of that silver-haired idiot friend of yours ruining every lesson. Now, drive Sandaime and I home.”

Chapter Text

The truth of the matter was, Deidara was absolutely shitting himself about his driving test. Considering that he had already failed five times, he thought to himself that he shouldn’t be so anxious, because he knew what it felt like.

But considering that he had failed five times, the pressure mounted with each test to pass it and be done with his lessons. Everyone kept asking him when he was going to take his test, when he would pass, what kind of car he would get, and they just wouldn’t stop going on. Deidara wished they would all shut up and let him get on with it.

Today, he sat on the wall of his house, waiting for this Konan lady to turn up.

A silver, geometrically perfectly styled car pulled up in front of him. Perched inside sat a lady with blue hair, a section tied up in a bun with a paper rose clipped beside it. She turned to look at him, catching his eye with her amber eyes.

Deidara jumped off the wall, and clamoured into the passenger seat.

“Are you…Konan?” he asked.

“That’s right,” replied Konan. “And you are Deidara?”

“I am,” said Deidara.

“Good to meet you, Deidara. I’ll drive you to the test centre, and then we’ll begin the test route. How are you feeling?” asked Konan, with a cordial polite tone.

Deidara licked his lips as she began the drive to the test centre. “…I’m fine, hm.”

“I understand that Sasori was your instructor for the last few weeks, is that correct?”

“He was,” said Deidara, staring up at the front wing mirror. An origami crane dangled down, swaying with the movement of the car.

“How did you like him?”

“He was horrible, yeah! He had this terrifying puppet car and this ugly puppet sitting in the backseat that he said was his boyfriend, and instead of normal indicators, he had waving puppet arms on the lights!” cried Deidara.

“Oh. The puppet car. I know it well,” replied Konan. “But I have heard that if you can drive that puppet car, then you can drive any car.”

“I hope so,” said Deidara, as Konan pulled into the test centre.

They both climbed out, and then stood twenty metres away from another car.

“Deidara, please read the number plate on that car,” instructed Konan.

Deidara repeated the number plate back to her, and then they climbed back in the car.

“All right, Deidara, I’m going to start with some safety questions. Tell me how you would know if there was a fault with the anti-lock braking system, also known as the ABS,” said Konan.

“There will be a warning light on the dashboard that says ABS in orange, yeah,” replied Deidara.

“Ok,” said Konan, jotting it down. “Now…tell me how you would check that your direction indicators are working.”

“I would either use the indicator switch here,” Deidara pointed to the toggle. “And check them one by one, and see the green direction lights come up on the dashboard, or I would switch on my hazard lights, and walk around the vehicle.”

“Very good,” said Konan. “Now, whenever you’re ready, Deidara, please select a bay, and reverse bay park into it.”

Deidara exhaled deeply, relieved that she had asked him to do the manoeuvre at the start of the test so he could get over with, and because it meant she wouldn’t ask him to do a stupid parallel park.

Deidara switched on the ignition, put the car in first gear, found the biting point, checked around, before releasing the handbrake. He drove forwards, turning the steering wheel so that he was parked in the bay beside the one that had been directly in front of him, and then put the car in reverse. He checked behind himself, and either side of the car, and then reversed into the bay next to his original bay. He checked either side of the car for the white lines, kept checking his front wing mirror, before realising that he was neatly in the bay.

“Very good,” Konan checked off the list.

Deidara exhaled again.

Konan reached forwards for the satnav, and then tapped in the route.

“And when you’re ready, follow the instructions of the satnav, and I’ll assess how you do. I’ll ask you to pull over at various points.”

Deidara put the car back in first gear, found the biting point, checked his blindspots, put the handbrake down, and then guided the car out of the test centre, signalling right to turn out onto the road.

Joining the road, he checked the front wing mirror to see there was no one driving behind him.

Deidara pressed on the accelerator, and then switched into second gear. He noticed Konan scratch down some notes on a piece of paper, but ignored her, trying to focus on the drive. It was much easier to focus without that terrifying puppet thing in the back seat, and Deidara glanced ahead at the upcoming roundabout. There was no traffic to his right, and so he stayed in second gear, signalling left and leaving at the first exit as the satnav instructed.

The satnav guided him away from the test centre, towards the high street. But the roads were currently clear with no obstructions, and so Deidara put the car into third gear as he judged it safe to drive at a higher speed.

Before he reached the high street, Deidara had to drive down a hill, and so he lightly tapped against his brakes, to control how fast he went down it.

At the bottom of the hill, there was a set of traffic lights. As he approached, Deidara noticed they had turned red, so he slowed the car with the brakes, putting the car back into second gear, ready to slow down into first gear and stop when he arrived.

Konan scratched more notes with her pen, but Deidara blanked her out again. When the car finally reached the traffic lights, they had turned green again, and so Deidara pressed on the accelerator, heading into the high street.

He kept his speed low, knowing very well that there was likely to be a lot going on in the high street. On one side was a bus stop, and Deidara recognised Asuma and Shikamaru waiting next to it. Both of them were smoking.

Deidara ignored them, and reminded himself that Hidan was not here, and that he could focus on the road and not Hidan’s stupid behaviour. He was not going to rear-end anybody!

Up ahead, Deidara spotted a bus pulling out from the next bus stop, and so he slowed the car once again, allowing it time to move away and keep a safe separation distance between them. Konan scratched down some notes, and Deidara sighed, glad he has safely spotted that hazard.

But he was still driving through the high street, and he knew there would be many more. Deidara tensed up again, scanning his eyes across the road at all times.

Suddenly, there was a loud bark, and a blur of blue fur shot across the road.

“SAMEHADA!”

Deidara slammed on the brakes, and the clutch, bringing the car to an abrupt stop.

Kisame hurried out into the road, and wrestled the dog back onto her leash. He turned to Deidara and Konan, mouthing a sorry, before hauling her back onto the pavement.

“Nice emergency stop,” said Konan.

Deidara debated unwinding the window and yelling at Kisame that he owed him a drink now, but thought better of it, lest he invoked any drink-driving connotations.

“Thank you,” said Deidara, putting the car into first gear, and starting the engine back up again.

“Keep following the satnav until we’re out of the high street,” said Konan.

Deidara drove the car further along, putting it back in second gear, and then third gear once he’d left the high street.

“When its safe to do so, please pull over on the left,” instructed Konan.

Deidara checked his front wing mirror, then his left wing mirror. He signalled left, gently braking as he slowed the car to pull over on the left. He secured the car and turned to Konan.

“Very good,” said Konan, scratching down some notes. “When you’re ready, start the car, and drive forward.”

Deidara restarted the car, checked his blind spots, signalled right to show that he was moving off, and then pulled out. He pressed on the accelerator, and put the car into second gear, and then third. He was now driving through the residential area where he had rammed the angry man’s garden wall. Deidara’s eyes were cranked wide open, ensuring that he saw everything around him.

Up ahead, the houses changed from small bungalows to large, stately family homes. Deidara recognised this part immediately from one of his previous failed driving tests where he’d nearly run a blind man over.

The same blind man and his whole damn family were crossing the road today.

Uchihas poured out of the largest house, spilling into the street, and then crossing the road to get to their cars. There was Itachi, waving his white cane around, Sasuke, their parents Mikoto and Fugaku, Itachi’s cousin Shisui, his father Kagami, his other cousin Izumi, Izumi’s mother Hazuki, and then their Uncle Tobi wheeling their elderly Great-Uncle Madara.

“They’re everywhere!” Deidara yelped, quickly pressing on the brakes as he realised that the Uchihas weren’t going anywhere.

He stopped the car and waited as they crossed over.

They didn’t even bother to wave and thank him.

“Oh, tell me about it,” said Konan, folding her arms. “I can’t say I’m so fond of the Uchiha family myself. Somehow, they’re always in the road whenever I’m trying to test my pupils.”

“Thank god, someone who understands,” sighed Deidara.

The Uchihas finally left the road after milling around for what felt like ages. Deidara restarted the car, and cautiously crept along, making sure none were about to pop out from behind the corner.

“When its safe to do so, please pull over on the right,” said Konan.

Deidara signalled right, and then slowed the car with his brakes, eventually pulling over on the right. He secured the car, putting up the handbrake and putting the gear into neutral, before Konan instructed him to restart the car again.

Deidara drove out of the residential area, and was directed towards a roundabout, leading him onto a single carriageway. Konan instructed him to take the first left exit, and so Deidara made sure he was in second gear at his approach, and that he was in the left lane, checked his left mirrors and signalled left, looked right to ensure there were no cars stopping him, before driving around the roundabout, and then down the first exit.

Deidara pressed on the gas pedal, putting the car up into third gear, and then down into fourth, conscious that the speed limit was sixty. The engine revved, and so Deidara changed into fifth gear, keeping a steady eye on the speedometer. He found a comfortable average of 55mph, and stayed there, until the satnav instructed him to take the next exit down a sliproad.

Deidara looked up in his front wing mirror, and noticed the car driving behind him. It was black, shiny, and looked very new. He squinted, realising that the driver looked very familiar.

It was Kakuzu.

And in a brand new car, nonetheless!

Deidara swallowed nervously, before steeling himself. He glanced to his left mirror, signalled left, and began to brake, gliding the car down the sliproad. Kakuzu drove straight ahead, avoiding Deidara, with no further problems whatsoever.

Deidara exhaled with relief, turning back into the other end of the town. He followed the satnav around, before realising it was guiding him back towards the test centre. Deidara relaxed, realising he hadn’t caused a single ruckus, committed a major or a minor, and at the moment, stood a good chance of passing.

He inhaled tightly, and then exhaled.

Maybe this was it. Maybe he would finally pass. Maybe he could finally buy a car!

Deidara calmed himself, reminding himself that there was still the route back to the test centre to go, and anything could happen. But nothing did happen, and Deidara navigated his way back to the test centre flawlessly, indicating and checking his mirrors at every turn.

He had reached the final road to the test centre. Deidara was driving in second gear after leaving the roundabout, and pressed on the gas pedal, changing into third gear, to take advantage of the wide, clear road with no obstructions.

As the test centre grew closer in the distance, Deidara eased his foot off the gas pedal to keep the car driving along steadily between 25mph and 30mph, so that he could slow down to second gear, and then first gear, to do the turning into the test centre.

That way, he was ready to do the turning without harshly braking or having to miss the turning, but at the same time, couldn’t be accused of holding anyone up behind him.

In the distance, a bike was cycling towards him.

Deidara ignored him, concentrating on reaching the right moment to slow down. But as he drew closer, he realised that the bike was not cycling in the correct lane, it was cycling in the middle of the road on the hazard lines.

And as the bike grew even closer, Deidara realised that the person cycling looked very familiar, with silvery hair flickering in the wind.

Hidan.

Hidan cycled at a furious pace, his knees bobbing up and down rapidly. He leant forwards, so that his body was streamline.

Deidara frowned, wondering the hell Hidan was doing.

Hidan grinned.

And then Deidara realised.

Hidan jerked the bike to his left, directly in front of Deidara’s moving car.

Deidara screamed, and went for the brakes. But in his panic, his foot slammed against the accelerator. The car revved, and slammed straight towards Hidan. But at the last moment, Hidan reared up on the bike, jumped onto front bonnet, put his middle finger up through the window at them, and bounced onto the roof.

Both Deidara and Konan shrieked as they heard the thump of the bike above their heads, and then another thump as he jumped onto the boot.

Finally Hidan jumped off, and cycled away howling with laughter.

Konan slammed on the brakes herself, so that she and Deidara jerked forwards. Deidara smacked into the steering wheel, and the horn blasted. Konan yanked up the handbrake, ripped off her seatbelt, and stormed out the car, marching down the road towards Hidan.

Deidara watched out the window as Hidan stopped cycling.

Konan reached up, slapping Hidan squarely across the face.

“You had better pay for the damage to my car!” she barked.

Hidan howled with laughter. “Did he fail? Did I make him fail?”

Konan slapped him again, this time with the back of her hand so her nails scraped across Hidan’s face.

“Ow, bitch, what was that for?” whined Hidan, rubbing his cheek.

This time Konan aimed a punch to his face. Hidan staggered, and groaned.

“You’re a violent bitch-”

Konan stabbed her knee to his groin, so that he collapsed, whimpering.

Deidara clamoured out, shaking.

“It’s a fail, Deidara, I’m sorry,” said Konan.

“What? What? But he…he sabotaged me, yeah!” protested Deidara.

“You pressed the accelerator and not the brakes,” explained Konan. “In the situation, you were meant to do the emergency stop.”

Deidara groaned, and felt his whole world collapse on top of him. He put his face his hands and sobbed loudly, tears leaking out of his ice blue eyes.

Before he knew it, he ran forwards and aimed a kick at Hidan’s groin for good measure. “Fuck you, yeah! Fuck you for sabotaging me!”

Konan guided Deidara away, and sat him in the passenger seat of the car. She guided her car back into the test centre, before finishing her marking and handing the results to Deidara.

Deidara burst into a fresh flood of tears.

“I’ll never pass,” he sobbed, putting his face in his hands. “I’ll never get a car.”

“There, there,” comforted Konan, patting his shoulder. “You were very close. Next time, I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

“I’ve failed six times,” Deidara miserably admitted, lifting his head upright. “And Sasori was meant to be the last resort.”

“Is that so?” asked Konan. “Then I don’t think you’ve met the very last resort yet.” 

One Week Later…

Deidara sat on the wall outside his house, waiting for ‘the very last resort’ to arrive.

A disgusting bright orange car decorated with swirls into the metalwork turned into his road. Deidara frowned, wondering who that belonged to.

To his complete and utter dismay, the bright orange swirly car pulled over in front of him to a stop, and a man with a scarred face poked his head out the window.

“Are you Deidara?”

“Yes,” said Deidara.

The man beamed. “Hello senpai! I’m Tobi, and this is the fun car!”

“Senpai?” frowned Deidara. “Fun car?”

“I’m going to help you pass your driving test!”

“Senpai. Fun car,” Deidara repeated.

“That’s right!” grinned Tobi.

“And you’re Tobi, yeah,” Deidara scowled.

Tobi gave him a childish grin. “Actually I’m Obito Uchiha, but everybody calls me Tobi!”

“Uchiha. A fucking Uchiha. A fucking Uchiha is going to teach me to fucking drive now,” groaned Deidara. He slammed his face on the bright orange bonnet. “This is worse than the fucking puppet car!”