Work Text:
To Asra, books were precious. He handled them with care, treating each one as if it was a dear friend. Julian was much less careful with books, filling the margins with scrawling notes and messy sketches as he read. They kept their books separate from one another. Asra’s were scattered throughout the shop wherever he had been when he stopped reading. Julian kept his in a little bookshelf by the window. Asra never touched Julian’s books unless he was gone. He made quite the fuss about Julian ruining so many perfectly good books. He didn’t want to give Julian the satisfaction of knowing how endearing he found his scribbles to be.
Usually, Julian just wrote notes about the material inside the book. He would circle passages, cross out sentences, make substitutions. The content was never really anything Asra was interested in, but the sight of Julian’s handwriting made him smile. Julian always seemed to have something to add to whatever he read. And his sketches weren’t half bad either. It was a comforting thing to look at when Julian was elsewhere.
At some point, Asra began to find things scribbled down that didn’t have anything to do with what was printed in the books.
‘He’s beautiful in the sunlight.’
‘He fell asleep in my lap again.’
‘It’s so hard to focus when he’s here.’
He was taken back by those. He didn’t really know how to react to Julian writing little things down about him. They made his chest warm. He was careful not to let Julian find out he was reading his books. He was afraid it would make him stop.
Next, he found the drawings. Little doodles of him sleeping on the cushions, laughing, talking to Faust, picking flowers. Little intimate sketches of him he had never noticed Julian make. Those made his chest ache from the gentleness of them. Julian could be so gentle. And he hadn’t noticed. He had been so caught up in his own little world, he hadn’t even noticed.
The notes about him started showing up more often. They made Asra feel warm. But they hurt him too. Julian noticed things about him he never had. How often did Asra take the time to notice Julian like that? He found himself doing it more often, sneaking glances at Julian when they were together. His smile didn’t always reach his eyes. His work would consume him to the point that he didn’t notice anything else. He had a bad habit of forgetting about his tea halfway through the cup but would always finish it later even though it was cold. He liked to sit on the right side of the couch. When he caught Asra watching, the look in his eyes was something Asra didn’t quite understand.
He never understood what it was until an emergency pulled Julian away in a hurry. He left the book he had been reading on the edge of the couch. With nothing better to do, Asra settled down in the spot Julian had recently vacated and picked up the book. The scribbles seemed more frantic than usual, like Julian had been preoccupied while writing them. Most of them were comments on the book. However, the further through the book he went, the more they changed.
‘I wish I could tell him what his smile does to me.’
‘He deserves better.’
‘I’m a fool.’
‘I’ve been so blind.’
‘How did it take me this long to realize.’
‘I think I love him.’
‘I think I’ve loved him for a long time.’
Asra sat in silence for what felt like forever, eyes scanning across those words over and over again. Julian loved him. Julian had been loving him. Asra could see it now. In the looks Julian gave him, the gentle way he touched him. In the way he brought him fresh bread anytime he came by. In the words he had been writing in the pages of his books. In the sketches Julian had so carefully done of him in the margins. In every single part of him, he could see it. It was more than Asra knew how to bear. Love always felt so distant, like something other people experienced that was just out of his reach. The warmth in his chest was too much. It hurt. It hurt so badly.
He didn’t realize how long he had been sitting there staring at the pages in front of him until Julian came back. It wasn’t until Julian had pulled him into his arms with frantic concern that he became aware of the tears streaming down his face. Julian was saying things, but Asra didn’t hear him. He let Julian pull him all the way into his lap and then, hid his face against his chest. His tears wouldn’t stop no matter how hard he tried to make them.
Julian finally stopped asking him what was wrong. Asra had the book tightly in his arms. He didn’t think Julian had even noticed him holding it. They sat in silence for a while until Asra finally spoke.
“How can you love me so much?”
He could feel Julian’s breath catch in his chest.
“So, you know about that, huh?” Julian sighed.
Asra could tell he was nervous. He could feel Julian’s fingers playing with the curls at the nape of his neck. He nodded, still unable to look at Julian’s face. He didn’t know if he could meet his eyes. The emotions he knew he would find there would be too much. Julian took a deep breath before he spoke.
“You really want to know? It’s because of how your whole face lights up when you laugh. The smile you have when you pick flowers. How you always bring my something to eat when I’m here and too focused on my work to remember. The way you started burning different incense because I mentioned I liked the scent of that one shop in the marketplace you always drag me to. It’s your passion for magic, for books, for learning, for life itself. It’s the way you can make me genuinely smile. It’s the look on your face when you talk about the places you’ve been. It’s everything, Asra. How can I love you any less?”
Asra was silent for a while after that. His heart felt like it might shatter if he tried to speak. Julian was so earnest with his love. He thought he might break under the weight of it. He could feel Julian’s nervousness growing with every second of silence, but he didn’t want to speak until he knew he was in control of his words. Finally, he shifted in Julian’s lap so that he could look at him. Julian looked so fragile. There was so much fear in his eyes, like he was afraid Asra would hate him for his words.
“I don’t know if I can love you like you love me, Ilya,” Asra said softly.
When Julian spoke again, there was hope in his voice.
“I’ll take whatever you can give me.”