Chapter Text
Ever since he was young, Taehyung craved attention. Just like any other kid, he especially craved the attention from his parents. He wanted his mum and dad to play with him, read him bedtime stories and help him with his homework. He wanted them to smile at him and hug him and say how proud of him they were. He wanted his parents to love him but unfortunately Taehyung got the opposite.
Taehyung’s parents has always been very busy people. His father was a very wealthy business man and his mother was a well known fashion designer. It was a wonder why they even had a child in the first place. But when the news got out about their new born child, everyone was praising them for putting their jobs on hold for their child, even though that was not the case. So normally, after a whole week of working any dad would be happy to spend time with their child but Taehyung’s father was less then happy to have time to spend with Taehyung. Instead, he used this time release his anger and stress and unfortunately for Taehyung, he was automatically on the receiving end. Most of the time, Taehyung’s dad would just yell and tell Taehyung how ungrateful and useless he is. But sometimes when work was extra hard or when he was more stressed than usual, Taehyung’s father would beat Taehyung. He would slap him, punch him, kick him, starve him and sometimes even whip him. And it hurt Taehyung. But the physical pain wasn’t the worst bit. The worse bit was shame and embarrassment he would feel after.
Taehyung craved attention but the only attention he got was in the form of treacherous eyes and threatening hands.
So naturally, Taehyung tried to get attention elsewhere. He constantly told made up stories to his friends and lied about pretty much anything he could think of.
“Yeah, I’m actually going to be in this new k-drama, it’s so cool huh?!”
“My dad just bought me a Ferrari. He said I could drive it before I even turn eighteen!”
“I had to go to hospital yesterday because I had appendicitis.”
At first it worked. His friends were always amazed about his awesome “life” and always said how lucky Taehyung was and that he had the best parents. But as they got older, they caught onto Taehyung’s lies and realised his stories weren’t as true as they thought they were. But Taehyung, oblivious to this, still told them anyway and his friends still listened to him.
Even though Taehyung lied a lot. He was a royal friend. He was kind, caring and generous all the time. He was always able to make them smile and his laugh was contagious. He always had the time to help anyone who needed it. Taehyung was an amazing friend. He would help everyone and treated them all like royalty. Which was why his friends stayed friends with him, despite his constant lies which became a little annoying over time.
When Taehyung turned thirteen the lies and the stories kind of just stopped. He figured that his friends are sick of his fake stories and he didn’t want to make them hate him. He was afraid that his friends wouldn’t like him anymore and would get sick of him like his mother and father did. It was one of the reasons why he told the lies in the first place. He hoped that they would want to be friends with him because he was so “cool”. But now, knowing that his friends didn’t like him just because they thought he had a cool life, Taehyung wondered why they were even friends with him. He was just regular Taehyung. The Taehyung that didn’t have an extraordinary life and awesome adventures. The Taehyung that was never in a k-drama and never had a Ferrari. The Taehyung that doesn’t go upper school parties and underage drink. He was just plain Taehyung. The Taehyung that his own parents didn’t even like. So why would his friends like him if his own parents didn’t?
As time went on, Taehyung subconsciously became more and more anxious about this. He would lay in bed, constantly thinking about all the things he said and how weird and annoying he must be to his friends. Taehyung doesn’t really know what happened. He used to be able to talk so freely and confidently but now he was afraid to talk. He felt like everything he said was annoying and obnoxious and he thought his friends must be so sick of him by now. It made his chest constrict and most of the time it would feel like he couldn’t get enough oxygen into his lungs. Knowing how unwanted he was and how little he mattered to the world was a burden that Taehyung didn’t want to carry. Taehyung was scared. He didn’t know what was happening.
By the time Taehyung had turned sixteen, things had quickly escalated before Taehyung even had the chance to stop it. His mind had become a toxic place without him even knowing it. He began to act happy more times then not and his self confidence was so low that sometimes it was even hard to talk to his best friend, Jimin. His dad obviously didn’t help boost his self confidence either.
During this time, Jimin was also struggling with an eating disorder. When he came to the group about it, Taehyung was shocked and angry at himself for not noticing his best friends pain earlier. What made it worse was everyone in the group knew that something was going on with Jimin. Well everyone expect Taehyung who didn’t realise anything at all. If Taehyung wasn’t already worst best friend of the year he was now. Was he so self centred that he didn’t even realise Jimin was struggling? Was he so selfish and caught up in his stupid issues that he wasn’t being a good best friend? Was he even still best friends with Jimin? Why didn’t Jimin say anything sooner?
Taehyung felt terrible and of course he had to stay the stupidest thing ever.
“My dad starves me sometimes.”
Of course, everybody glared at Taehyung. Why would he stay such things during this time? Taehyung’s throat tightened up and blood rushed to his head when he realised what he said. Stupid. Stupid. Why are you such an attention seeker? Stupid.
“I’m sorry!” Taehyung squeaked.
Jimin sighed and rolled his eyes. Taehyung felt even worse.
Under different circumstances, the group might have paid more attention to what Taehyung had said and maybe notice something was off about his home life. But at that moment the others, naturally, glared at Taehyung in annoyance for being so inconsiderate, not knowing that he was unconsciously asking for help.
In a way, Taehyung was happy for Jimin. He was getting the help that he needed to get better and he had a supportive family and friends helping him as well. However, it also made Taehyung jealous because he felt like he was struggling too and no one bothered to check up on him. It’s because your problems are nothing compared to his. Stop being a weak cry baby. Your problems aren’t even real. Even though it hurt to watch Jimin have everything he ever wanted, Taehyung remained quiet and gave his best friend all the support he has. Because Jimin deserved it. Jimin deserved to be happy in life and Taehyung thought maybe he, himself, didn’t. Because Taehyung wasn’t as important as Jimin and after the stupid shit he said, the small spark of hope that Taehyung could also get help and support was now diminished.
With everyone’s attention on Jimin, no one noticed Taehyung’s silent fall.
As Jimin got better, Taehyung only got worse. His thoughts became more and more intrusive. They constantly raged inside of his head to the point where even sleeping was hard. It was scary. It was people constantly shouting all at once inside of his head but at the same time hearing nothing at all. It was feeling your entire body curling up on itself but not moving a muscle. It was your heart painfully constricting more and more but also beating regularly at the same time. Taehyung didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t sure if there was something wrong with him or if he was just being over dramatic. He wanted to talk to someone about it but he was scared that his friends would think he’s just trying to get attention. So Taehyung kept it to himself. Even during nights where he would hug his teddy, with silent tears running down his cheeks, and tell it (or maybe he was telling himself) ‘it’s okay.’ while ignoring the fact that maybe he was going mental.
With no one to turn to, Taehyung found comfort in sleeping pills.
At first, it was just to help him sleep at night but he quickly learned that they also help him with the thoughts. Sleeping became a good distraction from his mind. It was easier to pop a couple of pills and go to sleep then have to deal everything else. Unfortunately for Taehyung, a couple of pills a week turned into a couple pills a day which turned into couple of doses of pills within a few hours. After a couple of months, Taehyung noticed that the pills weren’t working as good as they used to and he was once again left with the feeling of not knowing what to do. Nothing was getting better. He wanted to tell someone but he didn’t know if anyone would believe him. He had stopped lying so long ago but no matter how many truths he told, he still remained to be the kid who always lied. Even when he was talking to his friends, he could tell by their eyes that they were always skeptical.
However, Taehyung was desperate. He knew that if he continued to take more and more pills he would die so eventually he told Jimin.
“Jimin.” Taehyung squeaked. He was so nervous, he could barely keep his voice steady. “Can I- umm talk to you?”
“Yeah sure, what’s up?”
“I- umm, there’s something that I’ve been wanting to tell you. I- umm, I’m not really sure to explain it umm.” Taehyung’s voice shook. He was so scared. His hands trembled and his palms were clammy with sweat.
“I’ve- umm been getting these thoughts. I don’t really know how to explain it. It makes things hard sometimes and I don’t feel right? It’s scary. I sometimes really hate myself and I don’t know what to do.” Taehyung explained. He was terrified to look into Jimin’s eyes. What if Jimin hated him now? What if he thought he was a freak? Taehyung tried to keep his body from trembling.
“Tae.” Taehyung looked into Jimin’s eyes, searching for anything that would give away what Jimin was about to say. “I love you, you’re my friend, but I hate it when you lie. Mental health is serious. You can’t just make up stuff like that.”
Taehyung frowned and suppressed the tears that were threatening to fall. “I’m sorry.” He said and hoped that Jimin knew he wasn’t just apologising for the lies but also for being an arsehole.
Jimin smiled sadly. “It’s okay. Just don’t do it again.”
Taehyung forced a small smile and nodded. His heart had dropped to his stomach. Jimin didn’t believe him.
“Okay. Let’s get back to the others.”
Taehyung complied, he felt too numb to do anything else. His brain was raging with emotions and thoughts. He knew Jimin wouldn’t believe him, so why he even bother? Maybe his problems weren’t real. Maybe he got so used to lying that everything he was feeling was made up for attention. Jimin hates you. He didn’t even call you he’s best friend.
Taehyung choked because it was true. Did he just lose his best friend? Were they even best friends to begin with? Was any one really friends with him? Or were they too kind to tell him to fuck off?
Following this, Taehyung realised he was truly alone. He’ll just have to get through it by himself like he always does.
The first time Taehyung missed school was a particularly hard day. He felt so worthless and unwanted that he didn’t think he could show his face in front of his friends that day. To make matters worse, his father had an especially bad day at work that day. When he got home and found out Taehyung skipped school, his anger exploded and he beat the teenager so bad the younger could barely breathe after.
“Hyung! I missed you at school yesterday. Where were you?” Jungkook, the youngest in the group, had asked the next day.
“Oh, I just didn’t really feel like going to school so I took the day off.” Taehyung lied cooly. Well technically it wasn’t a lie.
“Wow, your parents let you do that? You’re so lucky!”
“Yeah.” He said, even though he entire body ached and the beating from the night before was still fresh in his mind.
His friends never really questioned it after that. Even when one or two absents a month, turned into one or two absents in a week. They simply thought that Taehyung was just going through another phase and was being rebellious. None of them ever thought something was wrong. None of them ever bothered to ask.
Taehyung considered telling Yoongi. He knew Yoongi had suffered from depression in the past and maybe he wouldn't judge Taehyung and instead would understand him. But Taehyung thought back to what happened with Jimin and recoils. If his best friend didn’t believe him, why would Yoongi? Taehyung wonders if he would ever have someone in his life that he could tell everything too. Someone who won’t judge him or get sick of his problems or get annoyed at him. He wished he had someone who knew the real him, not just the kid who always lied.
Right now, Taehyung doesn’t think he has anyone.
Lately, talking to Jimin has been awkward. They could talk over snapchat or Instagram just fine but in person they could barely hold a conversation. It hurt Taehyung and added to his fear that his friends didn’t want to be friends with him anymore. But he figured it was better that way. It wasn’t worth the constant worry of being too annoying or loud which comes when he’s around his friends. It wasn’t worth trying to be that person that they all loved and cherished. It wasn’t worth crying night after night over because he could never be the perfect friend. He wasn't good enough. So why should he try?
At this point, Taehyung’s seventeenth birthday was coming up and he wondered if he would make it. He was popping sleeping pills like they were candy and his mind felt disconnected from his body, as if he was running on muscle memory. Wake up. School. Home. Sleeping pills. Dinner. Get beat. More sleeping pills. Repeat.
The thing about Taehyung’s dad was he would never apologise to Taehyung for beating him. Taehyung would just wake up the next morning to an envelope with two hundred dollars of cash inside, labelled to him. It was as if money would make it better. Money couldn’t buy happiness, but Taehyung tried and soon that money became the fuel to Taehyung’s drug addiction.
It got to a point where Taehyung didn’t know how many sleeping pills he was taking a day and it was slowly destroying him. He knew this was wrong but he didn’t know any other way. He just hoped that the pills killed him before his friends found out.
Fortunately, god never did what Taehyung wanted.
It was Monday afternoon and Taehyung was struggling to focus on his school work. His stomach had been bothering him all morning but he knew he couldn’t afford to miss any more school. He had fallen very behind in all of his classes and it was affecting his grades terribly.
Taehyung sighed. Surprisingly he was doing good at ignoring the numbing pain in his stomach until a sharp pain cut through his entire torso. A groan slipped through Taehyung’s lips as his pressed his hand to his stomach. The pain was even more excruciating then before.
“Hey, you okay?” Yoongi whispered as he watched Taehyung shift in discomfort. The older had noticed the drop in Taehyung’s grades and thought it would be a good idea to invite Taehyung to study with him in the library after school. But now, he was starting wonder if Taehyung would be better off at home.
Taehyung forced a small smile and nodded. He didn’t want to bother Yoongi, he just needed to suck it up and stop finding excuses not to study.
“Okay, if you need me to drive you home early I can.” Yoongi said gently, concern evident on his face.
Taehyung shook his head. “I’m okay.” He lied. It felt like his stomach was being ripped apart by wolves.
The teenager only lasted another five minutes until he ran to the trash can dry heaving. His body was overcome with waves of nausea. The pain in his stomach had intensified until it was unbearable. He needed to throw but there wasn’t anything to throw up.
“Shit Tae. What’s going on? Are you hurt?” Yoongi asked, while he rubbed Taehyung’s back. He was worried. He noticed Taehyung has been very quite lately. The younger hasn’t been smiling as much as usual and Yoongi wondered if there was something going on that Taehyung didn’t tell then about.
“I- I don’t know. It hurts.” Taehyung moaned. His mind was telling him not saying thing and not be a bother but the pain was too much to bear on his own. “My stomach…feels like I’m being stabbed.”
“Tae? How long has it been hurting?”
“Since this morning.”
Yoongi frowned. Why didn’t Taehyung say anything? “I think you’re really sick Tae.” The older said, while he combed Taehyung’s fringe back. He forehead was beaded with sweat. “I got the librarian to call your parents. They are going to take you to the hospital.”
Taehyung shook his head. “I’m okay.” His eyes were clenched shut in pain and his whole body trembled.
Seeing how much pain Taehyung was in brought tears to Yoongi’s eyes. It baffled him to know that Taehyung would of dealt with the pain by himself if the older didn’t notice. “Come on Tae.” Yoongi stated, ignoring what Taehyung said. He knew the younger not okay. “They are here now. You’re gonna be okay.” Yoongi tried to reassure the other boy but even he, himself, was trying to believe his words. Yoongi has never seen Taehyung like this before and it made his whole body tremble with worry. “You’re gonna be okay.”