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“All this girl-talk shit is politically incorrect, you know. We should have dropped it back when we gave up drag.”
“I’m sick, I get to be politically incorrect if it makes me feel better. You sound like Lou. I know he does it because he’s a goddamn asshole and you’re doing it because you worry about me. When I die, make sure that I’m dressed like myself. Don’t let him or my fucking mother make me wear some butch hetero nonsense. He’s been able to ignore it for a year and a half but now it’s relevant again”
“Of course ma chere. I can try to talk to him again if you’d like. He keeps harassing me about you.”
“He knows who I am. If you want to try to drill it into his thick skull, be my guest, but I’m not explaining it to him again. And we both know it isn’t girl talk.” He turned and pressed his face into Belize’s chest, letting himself be held for a moment.
“I have work now, ma chou chou. I’ll talk to him about it if it comes up, try to make sure he knows what you want. Je t’aime.”
“Je t’aime.”
Prior had his back to Louis, his legs bent backwards over his boyfriend’s legs. Louis was using Prior’s back to prop up the book he was reading, some philosophical shit that Prior didn’t want to read but was more than willing to let Louis ramble on about. It was quiet, the third anniversary of them being together. Belize had tried to coax Prior into going out to celebrate, but the couple had declined, choosing to spend the night in with Prior’s Cabaret vinyl playing quietly in the background.
“Baby?” Prior rolled over, pushing Louis’ book out of the way and propping his chin up onto Louis’ chest.
Louis rolled his eyes ever so slightly at his boyfriend. “I thought you had died over there, you were very quiet.”
“I was thinking. Have you ever heard of androgyne?”
“No, what were you even reading?”
“Zine a friend gave me. It means not entirely male or female, gender. When I do drag it feels more right than just being a guy. I don’t know if I’m just a guy.”
“You’re a gay guy, Prior. We’re fags. It’s our people.”
“Would you leave me if I wasn’t a guy? Or at least not entirely.”
“Answer me Louis.”
“You can’t not be a guy, Prior. You’re my boyfriend, you have been for years. Why tonight, why did you have to bring this up tonight, the first goddam night that it’s been just us alone for who knows how long, since we’re always out with your drag friends. Are a bunch of them the androgyne thing too?”
“I haven’t asked around but Belize gave me this zine, and the person he got it from is. He got it for me because I was talking to him about not feeling quite like a guy and he told me there were others.”
“I don’t want to talk about this. Why can’t it just stay the way it is.”
“Of course you don’t wanna talk, it isn’t that goddam hard Louis, I’m still me I just know more of who I am. What the hell are you scared of?”
“I’m not scared of anything, I just don’t want to talk about this. The drag bullshit is just getting to you, making you think you’re something you aren’t.”
“Oh go fuck yourself. You just don’t want any actual modicum of change, no matter what you say when you’re busy pontificating.”
“Where are you going? It’s our night in! Prior!”
"I’m going out. There’s a drag show tonight. The people there actually get it. Open your mind Louis. And get your head out of your ass. I’ll be back late or tomorrow. Bye.”
“He didn’t want to think about it. I don’t know what the fuck I was expecting.”
“Give him some time my love. I know you know I think that if he’s not going to actually try to support you, that you should leave but I know you love him and all that shit, so you’re going to have to meet him halfway.”
“He thinks that it’s because I do drag. If I gave it up would you give it up with me? I’d be unbearably lonely if I had to stop and had to cut myself out of the community entirely.”
“You deserve better than him. Better than giving up the things you love.”
“Please? It’ll be like a two person AA. DQA. We can still do nails and makeup and French but just not perform.”
“Maybe.”
“I quit drag. Belize did too. Is that good enough? Now you don’t have to worry about them poisoning me with concepts of gender nonconformity. Happy?”
“It’s sexist anyways, why can’t you just be a guy who likes dresses, why does there have to be a label for it?”
“Now I’m going to say that I don’t want to talk about it. Why am I not surprised you don’t understand.”
“Ex-black drag queen.”
“Actually ex-ex.”
“You’re doing drag again?”
“I don’t—Maybe. I don’t have to tell you. Maybe.”
“I think it’s sexist.“
“I didn’t ask you.”
“Well it is. The gay community, I think, has to adopt the same attitude towards drag as black women have to take towards black women blues singers.”
“Oh my we are walking dangerous tonight . . .”
“Well, it’s all internalized oppression, right, I mean the masochism, the stereotypes, the—”
“Louis, are you deliberately trying to make me hate you? You know I quit because Prior asked me to, and you damn well know he asked me to because you were too goddam stubborn to realise the person you love might not be exactly who they thought they were, that people are allowed to find themselves without your permission.”
“So not only are you participating in this gross sexist practise, you’re betraying him? And you give me shit?”
“He fucking gave me permission. Wanna know why? Same reason he was pissed at your actual betrayal. He’s dying. He said that I’m not bound to my promise anymore, said that it’ll be easier for me to get back into it while he’s dying instead of right after he’s dead.”
“He isn’t dying. Or if he is, it’s messing with his brain.”
“He told me to tell you that you better accept it before he dies because I’ve been tasked with making sure that you and his mother and whoever else don’t try to erase him and make him dress butch for his funeral.”
“Does he have a dress picked out?
“You don’t care. I’m not telling you, because it isn’t your place anymore, for every conceivable reason.”
“Hannah and/or Prior let me in. I have to piss and then we need to leave, do you really want Hannah to be late for her first show?”
“Come in, Prior is almost ready, he’s packing the last of his bag now. He’s been worrying all day.”
“He’ll be fine. I’ll be right back.”
“I’m ready. I think Louis is meeting us there. Hannah, I gave you the rundown of what happened, right?”
“He thinks drag is sexist, he doesn’t like that you’re … androgyne? Androgyne. You quit drag because he thought it was a bad idea Belize did in solidarity but started again around the time we met, so a year ago. Louis still refuses to acknowledge your androgyne-ness but since he left, you decided to go back, because it’s your life, and now you’re taking me to my first drag show, and your first performance in I believe it was two and a half to three years. You’ve told me many times.”
“Okay, I’m ready. Let’s go.”
“Wait until he sees me, my fabulousness will knock him off his feet.”