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Bellamy gets his 80 acres, it was surprisingly easy, Madi was happy to give it once Octavia explained her promise. She hasn’t tried to visit her brother yet, doesn’t want to bring forward the rejection, if she puts it off, she can pretend they’re still a family for a little longer.
Jackson and Miller have set up their medical centre with Abby in the middle of the Valley, with a “treat everyone” policy. Kane heals there, helping with small tasks like filing. Octavia isn’t sure what Miller’s role is beyond construction, maybe Jackson is teaching him, maybe he’s just as lost as she is. A soldier needs a war, a distant voice tells her. Sometimes, her whole-body screams at her to go and see her friend, Miller would understand the pain, but not the loneliness, not when he’s with his family.
“You’re my family Octavia” Miller had said desperately clinging to her before she left.
“That’s why I have to go.” She had replied cupping his face, trying to memorize it.
That was five months ago, she hadn’t seen a soul ever since. She wanders the forest aimlessly for the most part, eating the herbs and berries she finds. She had tried to eat meat at first, but the smell of the dead animal repulsed her, she couldn’t keep it down. The texture of flesh was too similar.
She couldn’t fix what she had broken, but she could give them the space to heal and move on. She hopes she can do the same.
She still thinks about them constantly, she yearns to know how Gaia is recovering, whether Indra likes teaching the few children in the valley. She hopes Madi is doing well, that her leadership is easier than Blodreina’s. She thinks of her brother, peaceful with his new family, he looked so happy when she last saw him, showing Monty where he thought they could start the farm. Her chest burnt with the realization that she’d never seen him smile that easily. She had stood and watched them survey their surroundings before slinking back to the centre of the valley to say her goodbyes. Only Harper seemed to notice her departure, giving her a soft smile and a wave Octavia desperately wanted to return, but her body wouldn’t cooperate.
Isolation was both new to Octavia but completely familiar. She’d felt alone since Lincoln died, but this was the first time in her life she wasn’t surrounded by people. Most days she just walked, with no real destination, she sometimes wonders if this is how Clarke felt after Mount Weather. She tries not to dwell on that too long.
She desperately wants to find a home, somewhere comfortable to build herself a life. Nowhere in this valley feels right, she doesn’t understand how out of all of Skaikru, she became the most lost on the ground. The rest of them are settled, comfortable, she’s all alone.
She finds herself often returning to the side of one of the rivers running through the valley. She allows her feet to dip into the cool water and focuses on how it continues to flow despite the disruption she causes. Sometimes she can see the fish swimming through it, unbothered by her presence.
She scoffs to herself, ‘well I was bound to find something that wasn’t eventually’, she can’t help but think.
For all her thoughts of her friends as soon as she confronted with one of them she practically runs away.
She’s walking away from the river when a berry hits the top of her head. She looks up to see Clarke sitting on a low branch of a tree, eating the berries she hadn’t thrown at her head.
“You can’t run away from it.” Clarke says as she hops down from the tree.
Octavia rolls her eyes, she really isn’t in the mood for one of Clarke’s speeches. She grunts and continues to walk away from her.
In true Clarke fashion, she doesn’t get the message and follows behind Octavia.
“Go back to your people Clarke.” Octavia says trying to shake the other girl off.
“Niylah has been looking for you.” Clarke replies, ignoring what Octavia had just said.
Octavia pushes the sadness down at hearing Niylah’s name. She hadn’t said goodbye to her either, she felt guilty about that, but she knew one look at Niylah’s soft desperate eyes would crumble her resolve to leave.
“Tell her I’m fine and leave me alone.” She hopes her voice remains level.
“Octavia, stop.” Clarke grabs Octavia’s arm to bring her to a halt. “I’m telling you, it doesn’t go away if you run from it, all the guilt will be right there when you get back.”
Octavia scoffs.
“I’m not going back Clarke.”
Clarke seems genuinely shocked at that, for a moment she’s appears to be lost for words.
“People miss you, you can’t stay out here alone forever.” Clarke’s voice goes softer as she says this.
It’s supposed to be comforting, but Octavia just wants to hit her.
“I don’t have anything to go back for.” She replies defiantly.
Images of Jackson and Miller pleading with her to stay fill her mind, of Indra with tears in her eyes she knew wouldn’t fall, of Niylah hugging her tightly after the battle was won, whispering how much better things could be now. Even of Bellamy, despite his resentment, putting a soft comforting hand on her shoulder to express his relief that she wasn’t dead. They were better off without her, the mantra she’s repeated over the past few months.
“We both know that isn’t true, no matter what you’ve done there are people that love you. You have to forgive yourself Octavia.”
Octavia wants to laugh; she doesn’t remember the last time she did, but in that moment, with Clarke Griffin looking at her so sincerely telling her she should forgive herself, it’s the only sound her body wants to make.
She lets the impulse take over and lets the laughter leave her body. Clarke looks at her like she’s gone mad, maybe she has.
“Octavia...” Clarke tries to reach out again as she speaks to calm Octavia down.
“You have no idea Clarke.” Octavia says once her laughter has stopped, she pulls herself away from Clarke and begins to walk away.
“My mom told me Octavia.” Clarke calls out.
Octavia whirls around, she’s sure there’s a murderous look in her eyes, her body shakes with a mixture of rage and shame.
“She had no right to do that.” Octavia spits out.
“It’s okay” Clarke tried to reason with the younger girl.
“NO, ITS NOT.” Octavia all but screams at the other girl, scaring a nearby bird out of its nest.
Clarke looks taken aback at the outburst and regards Octavia with sympathy that only makes Octavia angrier.
“We understand Octavia...” Clarke steps forward and Octavia wonders why she’s trying so hard, they haven’t been close in years.
“We?” Her tone was supposed to be angry, but it comes out as a broken sob.
“It couldn’t stay a secret forever, not with everyone living together.” Clarke replies.
Octavia wants to ask desperately, whether “we” means Bellamy, whether her brother knows the monster she became. But she’s terrified Clarke will say yes.
“I had to.” She’s not holding back the sobs now.
“I know.”
“They’ll never forgive me.” Octavia wraps her arms around herself as she speaks, feeling more panicked by the second.
“Maybe not but hiding out here doesn’t help them move on.” Clarke tries to bring the younger girl into a hug, but before she can Octavia has run further into the trees, disappearing from her line of sight.
Octavia isn’t sure what Clarke told them, but Niylah finds her eventually, the older woman doesn’t speak, she simply sits next to Octavia by the river.
She wants to throw herself at Niylah, bury her face in her neck and tell her she’s so sorry, that she shouldn’t have left without her, that she missed her. Nothing comes out.
They sit there in silence for what must be hours, Octavia always loved that about her, all grounders seemed to have the same peaceful quiet presence. They don’t see the need to talk for to fill the silence, it’s comforting to Octavia, who had always lived quietly. Lincoln was the same, and Indra.
After a while Niylah reaches out and holds Octavia’s hand and guides it into the water. Octavia closes her eyes at the calming sensation of the water moving past their interlocked hands.
“I’m sorry.” She says after what feels like another lifetime.
“I know.” Niylah replies softly.
“I couldn’t watch them all.”
“I know.” Niylah repeats.
“Have you seen Bellamy?” Octavia continues to stare across the river.
“Yes, he’s doing well, he came to visit everyone when Harper and Monty came to the medical centre.”
Octavia’s head snaps to Niylah’s in sudden alarm, why would they need to be at the medical centre?
“Are they okay?” Her voice is laced with worry she wasn’t aware she was still capable of.
“Harper wanted her contraception implant taken out.” Niylah smiles as she says it.
Octavia let’s out a sigh of relief.
“That’s nice.” Octavia slowly shifts closer and rests her head on Niylah’s shoulder.
Niylah hums in agreement and rests her head against the top of Octavia’s.
“How’s Miller?” Octavia asks after another moment of silence.
“He misses you, he’s started training to be a carpenter.” Niylah replies.
“That sounds good for him.” Octavia smiles slightly, glad Miller gets to create things instead of destroying them.
“They’ve started building houses, Miller and Jackson’s should be done soon, I think Miller wants to make them a bed.” Niylah laughs softly.
“Have you got a house?” Octavia wants to know everything about Niylah’s new life.
Niylah laughs again.
“No, houses for one aren’t really on top of the to-do list.”
Octavia feels guilty, she said they’d live together, then she left.
“I’m sure Clarke could fast track you.” Octavia whispers.
“I don’t want that.” Niylah says just as quietly.
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“I’m not angry at you for leaving bluma.”
“Maybe you should be.” Octavia looks at Niylah properly for the first time as she speaks. She has dark circles under her eyes, no doubt from stress, but other than that she seems well.
“Maybe.” Niylah replies.
They don’t speak after that, they watch the sun go down, huddled together for warmth from the chilly air.
It’s only later, when it’s clear Niylah will be staying the night, does Octavia notice the bag she brought with her.
“It’s a tent.” Niylah smiles and pokes Octavia’s side “You’ll catch your death sleeping in the open like that.”
“I...” Octavia can’t find the words, she’s flattered Niylah wants to protect her, give her shelter. But how does she explain that she can’t sleep under any sort of cover, that she needs to be able to wake up and see the stars, that she can’t feel trapped again.
Niylah seems to understand the panic on her face and simply takes out the blanket from her bag and drape it over them. They fall asleep with their arms around each other and Octavia’s heart feels a little lighter, if only for a moment.
Niylah stays with Octavia for a few more weeks, she’s trying to ground her, it helps a little. But everyday makes her feel guiltier, she is holding Niylah back from her life.
“Bluma, keep still.” Niylah says as she tried to braid Octavia’s hair.
Octavia had agreed to go to see Miller today, Niylah had been ecstatic. In truth Octavia needed Niylah to understand what she was sacrificing to stay by her side.
“I am keeping still.” Octavia said a small pout crossing her lips.
The actions were familiar, they’d done this for each other in the bunker, it was much nicer outside, with the wind blowing.
“Okay all done.” Niylah lays a kiss on the back of Octavia’s neck when she’s done.
They both stand and start to make their way to the centre of the valley. Each step causes Octavia’s anxiety to rise, she can just make out the signs of people, distant chatter, laughter and the smell of smoke from burning fires. She grasps Niylah’s hand out of habit to steady her nerves.
They make it into a small clearing where a building made up of both the Eligius ship and some small wooden extensions stands. Octavia briefly wonders why they’d use the ship, but she reasons that the technology would be invaluable.
There are a few houses nearby and gatherings of people. It looks peaceful, Octavia can’t help but think.
Octavia and Miller see each other from across the clearing and suddenly Miller is running towards her and envelopes her in a tight hug. Octavia buries her face in his neck and squeezes back equally as tight. He smells like pine and fresh air, it causes the unfamiliar feeling of happiness bubble up in Octavia’s chest.
She sees Jackson running over too and before long he’s embracing her. She feels tears stinging her eyes and tries not to be embarrassed by how much she’s missed them.
Miller is looking at her like he’s afraid she’ll disappear, guilt twists in her chest at the sight but he seems happy.
He ushers then into one of the small wooden houses. The door seems thin and has a small 3 carved onto it. The door opens out into a large room that seems to work as the living, dining and cooking area. There was a wonky looking sofa behind a table in the living area, and there appeared to be another room at the back of the house which Octavia assumes is the bedroom. The house is small but cozy, it feels like a home.
The four of them sit around the table as Miller animatedly fills Octavia in on what they’ve been doing, beaming with pride as he talks about Jackson’s work in medical center. The atmosphere is infectious, and Octavia soon finds herself relaxing. She notes that Jackson and Miller also seem to forgo eating meat and tries to ignore the horrible feeling that causes.
“Monty has grown so many vegetables, we get some sometimes, if we trade for things. Gaia made this great vegetable stew! You’d love it.” Jackson has been chatting about different foods for a while now.
“How is Gaia?” Octavia asks shyly, she isn’t sure they’d want to tell her.
“She’s doing well, her leg is a little stiff, Miller made her a walking stick for recovery, she barely needs it now.” Jackson replies.
Octavia smiles, genuinely relived things improved for her.
“Indra and Gaia will probably be around later, we could go and see them?” Miller looked hopeful as he spoke.
“Maybe, I’m not sure if they’d want to see me.” Octavia couldn’t get over the look on Indra’s face in the gorge.
“They were asking about you before I left Bluma.” Niylah smiles encouragingly.
They’re coddling her, they are looking at her like she’s glass. It’s flattering and infuriating at the same time.
“If you stay until tomorrow we can invite everyone over.” Jackson grins unaware of her inner conflict.
“How?” She says deflecting the invitation.
“Raven made communication between the communes a top priority, we have some short-range radios.” Miller explains.
Octavia was impressed at how much they’ve developed in the time she’d been away.
“Does Raven visit often?” She wants to ask about Bellamy, it feels uncomfortable.
“More than most of them, her and Shaw come in for checkups and Shaw likes visiting Diyoza.” Jackson says his smile still not leaving his face.
“Diyoza? Really?” Octavia is surprised, she didn’t think the Eligius crew were that close.
“She had her baby, I think he worries about her.” Niylah says while rubbing the back of Octavia’s neck.
First baby of the new world, Octavia thinks. She hopes the child has a peaceful life, and never knows war.
They convince her to stay for the night, which is why she couldn’t say goodbye to Niylah at first, she lulls her into a feeling of safety. They still sleep outside, she feels bad for Niylah, the weather is getting colder, but Octavia can’t bring herself to sleep inside.
Miller and Jackson tried to change her mind, insisting that it’s no problem to house them for the night. Niylah gives them a look that stops their protests.
Octavia lay awake, replaying the evening over and over in her mind. They hadn’t seen Indra and Gaia, Jackson said they were probably busy, Octavia nodded but a part of her wondered if they knew she was here. She watches the moonlight reflect off Niylah’s skin and she feels settled but scared at the same time.
She doesn’t sleep, she just wants to run away again, being here, being normal, it feels wrong. Niylah wakes not long after the sun rises and smiles at her in a way that makes her heart stutter. She’s never been sure what she has with the older woman, it’s not like with Lincoln, but it’s still soft and easy.
They walk hand in hand to the centre of the clearing where Octavia stops dead in her tracks, her heart hammering in her chest. Her brother is standing there, with the rest of “Spacekru”, she wants to be sick.
Did they know she was here?
She looks at Niylah and is sure she looks like a scared animal. Niylah tries to smile but it’s obvious she had no idea this would be happening either. Bellamy catches her eye and she sees him tense. Maybe he didn’t know she was here. She should leave. This was a mistake, they’re talking to Jackson and Miller, they must have radioed them.
She breaks the eye contact to survey the others, they all looked well. Raven was draped over Shaw, Echo was standing close to Bellamy, chatting with Monty and Harper. Murphy and Emori seemed to be looking around with interest.
For a moment none of them move, until Raven waves awkwardly, snapping the others into action, Monty shuffled forward first followed by Harper, then Raven with Shaw trailing behind her. The others stay rooted to the spot, Octavia can’t blame them.
It’s only then does Octavia realize Monty is carrying a sack of something. He puts it down before awkwardly embracing Octavia, she hugs him back gently. Harper does the same, Raven doesn’t move to embrace Octavia, but she punches her arm and cracks a joke about her looking like crap, to which Octavia laughs.
Shaw remains a few steps back, clearly not wanting to take up space in this conversation. She can’t help but think she’d have gotten along with him, if they’d met under different circumstances.
“How is it going? It’s been a long time.” Octavia asks.
“It’s great! Abby radioed Clarke to say you were here, and Clarke came and told Raven, so we organized our delivery for today.” Monty smiles brightly at her gesturing to the bag at his feet.
“You should’ve told us you were going, we would’ve given you a real send off.” Harper says.
“Yeah Monty could’ve broke out his algae beer!” Raven laughs trying to break any tension.
“I already told her, she won’t listen, she wanted to slink away.” Niylah smiles and wraps her arm around Octavia, clearly sensing her discomfort. She wonders what they think she’s been doing in the woods, its hardly a cause for celebration.
“Well, we got you a delayed gift!” Month says handing her the bag.
She takes it carefully and examines the contents, it’s mostly carrots and potatoes with some oranges too.
“This is great, thank you so much Monty.” She really is grateful.
“Are you sticking around? We were going to have a meal all together tonight, Clarke and Madi too.” Raven asks
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Octavia says looking across to Bellamy, who was still staring at her like she was a puzzle he needed to figure out.
“He wants to talk to you, he just doesn’t know how.” Harper says softly. “He’s just trying to figure out what he wants with you.”
It’s fair, Octavia thinks. She’s not sure what she wants with him, he’s her brother, but he tried to poison her. All reasons aside, she could have died, one miscalculation, the toxin already in her body, her immune system being weaker due to malnourishment. And she almost had him killed. It’s difficult. Even before all that, their relationship was hardly peachy, she just wants to reach a level of comfort where he doesn’t actively hate her.
Echo is staring at her too, she looks as if she wants to come over. A part of Octavia hopes she does. She isn’t sure what she’d say, “hey you almost killed me once, then I almost had you killed but then you saved my life and are in love with my brother.” Doesn’t sound like a good opener.
Eventually they all sit around the fire, Bellamy sits across from Octavia, watching her through the flames, still saying nothing. It makes her chest ache. Niylah remains a strong presence by her side, taking over the conversation when Octavia seems overwhelmed.
Shaw was just explaining the motorcycles he had before. Octavia thinks they sound spectacular, she wishes she could have one. She’s not the only one, Raven and Emori are trying to figure out if they could replicate them now.
Octavia feels a tap on her shoulder and turns to see Bellamy. She’s slightly startled, she hadn’t even seen him move. She’s losing her touch. She kisses Niylah’s cheek before standing and following Bellamy to somewhere more private.
They both sit on an overturned log. Bellamy plays with the sleeve of his shirt awkwardly.
“Monty was telling me about the 80 acres, it sounds great.” She tries to smile at him, and for a moment he smiles back.
“It’s nice, some fruit is growing now.” He replies his jaw clenching slightly.
“Monty gave me some oranges.” She says.
He simply nods in reply.
“How have you been?” His voice is soft, like when they were younger.
“Fine.” She says, trying not to sound too snappy.
“Where have you been staying?”
“Nowhere in particular.” She whispers, deflating slightly.
He simply nods again.
“Have you built houses? Like Miller and Jackson have?” She asks fiddling with a rip in her trousers, they were part of her Blodreina outfit, she hopes she can get some more clothes while she’s here.
Bellamy smiles properly then.
“Yeah, I mean nothing big, I was hoping Raven could figure out plumbing, but we aren’t there yet.”
“It sounds wonderful Bell.” She says, genuinely happy for her brother, if not a little jealous.
“It is, Murphy and Emori are working through their stuff slowly, so they don’t live together, but Raven and Shaw seem happy to share with Emori. Me and Echo got Murphy” Bellamy laughs a little.
“Sounds fun.” She says almost smiling.
“It is, turns out Murphy is a great cook, me and Echo haven’t had to make a single meal since we moved in.”
“How is Echo?” She finds herself genuinely interested, perhaps it’s being deprived of company for so long.
“She’s been farming with Monty and Harper.” Bellamy gets a soft look on his face when he talks about her. It makes Octavia smile.
“That sounds good, I’m glad you’re happy big brother.”
“I really am.” He says.
Octavia looks down, a sudden wave of despair hits her, he doesn’t need her anymore. Maybe he never did.
“What about Niylah? You seem...close?” He clears his throat awkwardly. He’s never been good at discussing these things with her. He got distressed when they were younger, and she said she thought Robin Hood in the book he’d brought home was handsome.
“Started in the bunker, then she came and found me...” She trails off, still not sure how to explain something to him even she doesn’t understand herself.
“Does she make you happy?” He seems to sense her anxiety about the topic.
Octavia thinks to all the nights they shared in the bunker, when Octavia felt painfully alone. How her presence makes Octavia feels lighter and safer. How happy she was to see Niylah by the river, how Niylah laughs at Octavia’s jokes.
“Yes, she does.”
“That’s all that matters.” Bellamy squeezes her arm gently. “Maybe once you’re settled you could come and visit?”
“I wouldn’t want to intrude.” Octavia says quickly.
“It’s just a visit O, it doesn’t mean everything is back to normal. But it would be nice to show you around.”
Octavia nods, it’s a fair line to draw. Her heart sinks at the “settled” qualifier, she isn’t sure when that will happen.
“It was good to see you O.” Bellamy says as he gets up.
“You too.” She says as he walks away.
As soon as he’s out of earshot she allows the tears to take over as her body is wracked with silent sobs. It could’ve gone worse, she knows that, but it’s like all the emotions of the past 6 and a half years bubble to the surface. That’s how Niylah and Miller find her at least an hour later, sobbing and dry heaving into a nearby bush. Niylah kneels in front of her while Miller gently gets her to drink some water. She complies, her whole body still shaking.
She can hear Miller and Niylah whispering about what to do with her. Shame washes over her. Miller moves to get up and Octavia suddenly panics and grasps at his shirt.
“No! Please don’t leave me Miller, please...” She all but screams scrambling to keep the man close, her friend, perhaps her best friend, he wasn’t her brother, but he felt like it in those years trapped inside the bunker.
“I’m not” he grasps her face gently “hey I’m not.”
Niylah rubs her back softly and Miller wraps his arms around her.
“I’m going to take you back home Octavia, okay?” He says gently helping her up.
Octavia shakes her head, he’s wrong, she doesn’t have a home.
Niylah stands on her left, with Miller on her right, they all but carry her to Jackson and Miller’s small house. It’s unavoidable, they pass the fire pit, she wants to scream at all of them, staring at her, Clarke is there now, regarding her with sympathy again. She almost looks like she’s about to stand, until Abby wraps a hand around her wrist to keep her down.
She’s ushered into the house and put down on the sofa, a blanket wrapped around her. They stay there all night, she sobs against Niylah’s chest until she passes out.
In the morning she is woken by Jackson humming in the kitchen area. He doesn’t appear to be cooking, simply chopping some fruit. Octavia slowly removes herself from Niylah’s arms and walks over. She leans against the countertop and watches him cut the fruit.
“You feeling any better?” He asks after a moment.
She hums in a way that could mean yes or no. Jackson hands her a wooden bowl which Miller no doubt carved, if the wonky edges are anything to go by. There are small pink berries in the bowl that Octavia isn’t sure she’s seen before.
“They’re easier to eat, there’s less flesh...” Jackson trails off, Octavia knows what he means, sometimes even berries are hard to keep down.
She picks at them and is pleasantly surprised by the sweet taste. She smiles at Jackson and mumbles a thank you before moving to sit down next to a still sleeping Niylah. She gently runs her hand through Niylah’s hair and continues to eat.
Jackson sits across from her.
“It’s a common reaction to trauma.” He says when they’ve finished eating.
She clenches her jaw.
“What is?”
“The panic attacks, insomnia, all of it.” He’s using his doctor voice.
“Great.” She doesn’t mean to sound rude.
“Some stability would probably help, it’s helped Nate a lot.”
“Nate too?” She says softly, guilt laces her voice.
“Nightmares mostly, he sometimes wakes up and thinks he’s back in the bunker...or mount weather.”
Octavia can only nod and wait for Jackson to continue.
“But building the house, training with the carpenters, it’s helped him a little. I don’t know if it’ll ever be totally better, but what we have now, feels good.”
“I’m glad you’ve found happiness, you both deserve it.” Octavia says fiddling with the wonky edge of the now empty bowl.
“It would be better if you were here.” The man replies softly, grabbing her hand.
“You guys don’t need me to find peace Jackson.”
“Maybe, but we’re family, we like having you around.”
Octavia shakes her head, unsure of how to respond. She wants to be around, but she’s terrified of what could happen. Letting people in has only ever ended badly.
She finds herself back at the river alone, she was a coward, and ran. Tears stream down her face and she doesn’t attempt to stop them. She wants to be back there with them, her patchwork family. But it feels wrong, she hasn’t earned forgiveness yet.
She leaves the river, they’ll find her there, she goes to the hills in the north of the valley. The weather worsens but she can’t bring herself to care. She catches herself muttering to herself once or twice, she’s sure she’s going mad. She isn’t sure if it’s the isolation, or whether it was inevitable eventually. The girl under the floor, a burden since birth, it had tragedy written all over it.
The nightmares come frequently, horrible images of half eaten corpses, her mother screaming for her, Luna morphs into Bellamy when she delivers the final blow in the conclave and deaths on a constant loop, Aurora, Lincoln, Ilian, Jaha, Ethan over and over. She almost prefers them though, to the nights where she dreams of Lincoln’s smile, Bellamy playing lily pads with her, Niylah teasing her softly. The happy dreams haunt her the most, taunt her with all the things she can’t have.
She’s barely eating, she’s sure she’s sick, but she still refuses to sleep in one of the caves in the hills. She wonders how everyone is doing, wishes she could see, just for a moment. She’s high up enough for the river to just be a stream, trickles of water she watches for hours. It soothes her impulse to return, mostly.
She almost wishes one of the many animals she’s seen around the hills would take her out. But much like the fish they don’t seem bothered by her. At one point a small cat like creature begins to follow her, she assumes it’s been separated from its mother and mostly ignores it. But it’s relentless, making as much noise as possible and following her everywhere.
Eventually she caves, the small animal sit with her as she eats, and she offers the cat some berries. She has no idea what type of cat it is, or what it should eat, but it seems satisfied by the offering.
It’s a boy, she finds out later, she considers naming him after a Greek or Roman god, but shudders at memories of the red queen. Instead she lands on “Pan”, remembering a story Bellamy told her when they were younger about a boy named Peter Pan who led a group of lost boys in a place where they never grow old. She always liked that story.
Pan, she discovers, does eat some meat, unfortunately this revelation occurs because he drags her a half-eaten bird that makes her gag and shout. He rests his head on her lap as way of an apology or comfort, she isn’t sure.
She continues to hike along the hills with her new companion, he makes her feel better about talking to herself, sometimes he’ll meow as a form of response.
One day she decides to go east slightly, remaining on the hills to not risk running into “Spacekru”. A little part of her hopes from the height of the hills she will be able to see the farm Bellamy talked about.
She can’t quite see them, but she still sits where she thinks would overlook the 80 acres. Staring out over the valley, she’s suddenly very glad Clarke dumped the worms, who knows how accurate Kara’s work was, their plants were already half dead, they still could’ve destroyed the valley.
Pan suddenly hisses loudly and Octavia jumps up, sword in hand, looking for the threat. She lowers it slowly when she sees what has offended Pan. It’s Diyoza, with a small baby strapped to her chest, she’s sitting a little further down. Octavia isn’t sure whether to approach.
“Blodreina, come sit.” Diyoza calls out without turning around, solving Octavia’s dilemma for her.
She flinches slightly at the familiar title.
She mumbles at Pan to stay and to his credit he does. She carefully walks down and seats herself next to the other woman.
“You look awful.” Diyoza says, staring at her.
Octavia scoffs.
“Thanks.”
“Are they your only clothes?” She raises her eyebrows as she speaks.
Octavia blushes slightly, she’s still wearing the blodreina battle outfit. It’s a source of great distress, but she doesn’t have a lot of options in the middle of nowhere. It’s her own fault, Niylah and Miller had both offered her clothes when she’d visited but she’d left them behind, along with Monty’s food bag.
She simply nods in reply.
“It’s practically winter.” Diyoza says.
She’s right, the snow that laced the ground during their battle was bound to return soon. It had almost been a year since Eden was won.
“Mmm.” Octavia replies.
“You going to build yourself an igloo?” She strokes her baby’s cheek as she speaks.
Octavia looks away, it seems too innocent for her to be present to.
Diyoza seems undeterred by Octavia’s lackluster responses.
“At least you washed your hair.”
“Not a lot of soap in a bunker.” Octavia replies clenching her jaw.
“Abby seemed to manage fine.”
“Abby managed a lot of things fine.” She grits out, suddenly wishing she hadn’t sat down.
Diyoza laughs darkly.
“Yeah I heard about that too, she feels bad you know.”
“She should.” Octavia whispers.
“I don’t think you’re angry at her.” Diyoza says smiling when the baby stirs slightly.
Octavia can only scoff again, why else would she be angry?
“Okay I think you’re a little angry at her, for placing all the blame on you, then judging you for it. But I think you’re also angry that any of it had to happen. You know deep down it was unavoidable, and that makes you angry, for yourself, and your people.” Diyoza looks at her then. “Including Abby.”
Octavia just grunts.
“They won’t stop talking about you.” Diyoza says after a moment.
“Tell them I’m sorry.” Panic rises in Octavia’s throat as she speaks.
“Tell them yourself.” Diyoza says getting up. “This isn’t bearing it for them Octavia, this is running from people that love you.”
The older woman leaves Octavia staring after her, unsure of what to do next.
Pan seems to be just as skittish as Octavia as they approach the clearing. His eyes dart around and he seems to jump at the noises of people. Perhaps he’d gotten used to the silence Octavia offered.
Octavia tries to push the fear down, she reasons that she’s doing this to get supplies, Diyoza was right, winter is approaching. She needs a change of clothes, her cough was getting more persistent, she hopes Jackson is on call and not Abby.
“You know I’m starting to take this personally.” Niylah’s voice is still light and teasing in a way Octavia is sure she doesn’t deserve.
Octavia steps forward quickly and pulls her into tight hug. She hopes it conveys how she feels.
“I see you replaced me quickly enough.” Niylah laughs at Octavia’s alarmed face and kneels to fuss over Pan.
“He wouldn’t leave me alone.” Octavia coughs slightly, trying to clear her throat.
Niylah looks up at her, seemingly worried at her gruff sounding voice. Guilt twists in her gut again, she knew she wasn’t well at least a month ago, but couldn’t face potentially seeing Abby.
“It’s just a cough niron.” Octavia tries to give her a bright smile, she knows she’s failed when Niylah stands and cups her face gently.
“I’ll go get Jackson.” Niylah says as she begins to walk away before Octavia grabs her arm.
“No please, I’m okay really.” Octavia pulls her back and kisses her gently to ease her worry. “I’m okay.” She whispers against the woman’s lips.
Niylah nods and wraps her arms around Octavia’s waist. She stands there for a moment, basking in the comfort Niylah provides. She wishes she could always feel this safe. Part of her knows she could, if she stayed.
Niylah ushers her into the Eligius ship, into a small room that seems to be kitted out for basic examination. Pan follows them, looking frightened of the ship, but more distressed at staying behind without Octavia. He sniffs around the room while Octavia sits on the edge of the medical like bed, as Niylah does some basic blood pressure and temperature checks. Her hands gentle against Octavia.
“You seem okay...” Niylah says but doesn’t sound entirely convinced.
“Told you.” Octavia grins properly then.
Niylah rolls her eyes but seems more relaxed.
“Sleeping in a proper bed, inside, might help though.” Niylah says carefully.
“Probably.” Octavia grabs Niylah’s hand. “Where are you staying?”
Niylah just grins and pulls Octavia up and outside. She seems excited, Octavia notes. They leave the clearing, which surprises Octavia, she assumed if Niylah stayed anywhere it would be near Jackson and Miller. They walk for a little while longer and Octavia can see the river, it’s further down than where they stayed before, and closer to the clearing than Octavia thought. Just to their left, overlooking the river is a small wooden house, not dissimilar to Jackson and Miller’s.
Octavia slowly moves away from Niylah to examine the house, Pan follows just as cautiously. It looks rather basic from the outside, there is no number on the door this time. But there is a little porch with two chairs overlooking the river. On either side of the house are some small lily plants that Octavia was sure wouldn’t fare well in the winter; but the sight of the familiar plants causes a lump in her throat.
“It’s really nice.” Octavia says trying to swallow the sob bubbling up in her throat. “You found someone to live with?” She turns to look at Niylah who is smiling softly at her.
She turns back to the house and tries not to feel jealous, Niylah couldn’t wait forever. Maybe it was Clarke? No, she would still be living with Madi in their house.
Niylah steps forward and wraps her arms around Octavia from behind, resting her head on the other woman’s shoulder.
“Mhmm I did.” Her breath tickles Octavia’s ear.
Octavia swallows before speaking again.
“Who?”
Niylah laughs and the vibrations tickle Octavia’s ear causing her to shiver.
“Bluma for somebody so clever you can be incredible stupid sometimes.”
Octavia turns in her arms until they’re face to face, their noses almost brushing.
“What?” Octavia’s bottom lip trembles slightly.
“The house is for you.” She brushes some hair behind Octavia’s ear as she speaks. “Obviously.” Niylah rolls her eyes playfully.
“Oh...” Octavia says with tears stinging her eyes. She’s overcoming with the urge to cry, she should’ve known, Niylah has always been considerate. The feeling over safety wraps around her like a blanket as Niylah looks at her with hope filled eyes.
“You don’t have to stay.” Niylah explains.
Of course, she’d say that, taking what she can get and live in the now. Octavia thinks maybe they both deserve more.
Pan suddenly makes a loud mewling noise from the chairs he’s sat himself on.
“I think he’s decided that for me.” Octavia laughs at the creature, spread out on the slightly misshapen chair.
Niylah squeezes Octavia tightly and joins in with her laughter.
They settle into a routine quickly enough, Niylah continues working at the medical centre and Miller visits Octavia during the day, he teaches her some basic woodwork. He wants to take her to learn with the rest of the carpenters, she isn’t quite there yet.
She’s managed to carve some bowls and is working on a bench for the porch, so they don’t have to keep moving the chairs outside. Niylah beams with pride at every single one. She is unbelievably grateful to have new clothes, she got a set of the Eligius rest clothes, along with a t-shirt she traded some of Monty's potatoes for, they make her feel more like Octavia, a new, calmer Octavia, who watches the sun set with Niylah and Pan on their porch and laughs at Jackson's awful jokes.
When the bench is finished they invite everyone over. They set up a fire near the river, Shaw cooks the meat, for which Octavia is very thankful. When she sees Indra and Gaia she can’t help but throw herself at them, Indra returns the hug stiffly, Gaia seems genuinely happy to see her, if not a little nervous.
Bellamy gives her a quick hug before shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, the way he did when they were younger, and he needed to tell her something bad. Dread wraps around her throat like a noose until Echo comes into view, a small bump protruding from her shirt.
For a moment it’s like time slows down, Octavia can see how anxious they both are. Bellamy looks almost on the verge of tears. Octavia felt a surprising sense of happiness for them. So much had passed since what happened with Echo, and now, seeing Bellamy looking so scared of her reaction, his arm around Echo, she can’t bring herself to be angry.
She brings him back into a tight hug and pulls Echo in too. Squeezing them both tightly.
“This is brilliant news, I’m so happy for you both.” Octavia says against her brother’s shoulder.
He looks shocked when they finally break apart, Echo doesn’t look surprised, in fact she shoots Bellamy a look that screams “I told you so.”
Harper looks even more pregnant than Echo, and Octavia is slightly relieved she doesn’t live too near them for once, one baby can be loud enough. Not Hope, Diyoza’s baby barely stirs all night, it’s miraculous really.
Clarke keeps Madi close all night, worry etched on her face. Octavia goes over at one point, when Madi has gone to speak to Bellamy and Echo.
“How is she doing?” Octavia asks softly, as Pan curls at her feet. He’s been quite the hit with everyone.
“Good, I think, easier to lead in peace time.” Clarke’s eyes never leave Madi across the fire.
Octavia sees a lot of a younger Bellamy in Clarke in that moment. Desperate to protect one of the few people she had a life with. She hopes Clarke can find some peace soon, that way of obsession never leads anywhere good, she should ask Bellamy to check in with Clarke about it.
“There haven’t been any clashes?” Octavia says, surprise evident, she expected Wonkru and Eligius to have at least some minor problems. Maybe everyone was simply tired of war.
“A couple of disputes, mostly about resources. The medical centre helped a lot, treat all set a good precedent.” Clarke looks proud as she says it.
“Have you seen their 80 acres?” Octavia says gesturing to Spacekru, who were never far from each other. Octavia has no idea what kind of terms they’re on with Clarke. She knows Clarke speaks to Raven over the radios, and she'd seen her talking to Bellamy before, but none of them seem overly enthusiastic at the idea of sitting with her. She knows the feeling.
“Murphy and Raven gave me the tour, its nice.” A flicker of a smile crosses Clarke’s face.
“Are they going to set you up a vacation home there?” Octavia nudges Clarke as she speaks.
Clarke looks confused.
“What does that mean?”
“I’m not really sure, Shaw made that joke earlier, apparently people in the old world would sometimes have a home just for breaks from life.” Octavia smiles. “In fact, he said our riverside property would have been very desirable. “
Clarke finally looks away from Madi to Octavia, after a moment both women laugh.
“After everything having one home seems like a miracle, I couldn’t imagine two.” Clarke says when they finally stop laughing.
“I’m sure they’d have you.” Octavia isn’t sure, at all, but its what people say in these situations. She hardly knows those people anymore.
Clarke shakes her head.
“I’d rather not stay on a couple’s commune.” Clarke’s voice isn’t quite light enough to be convincing, but Octavia doesn’t press.
“You could always come stay here sometimes…” Octavia replies.
Clarke looks at her like she’s gone mad again. In truth she isn’t sure why she says it, it would be beyond awkward, they were hardly close before they kept trying to kill each other. Not to mention whatever went on between Clarke and Niylah. Octavia knows exactly went on, Niylah told her, she just doesn’t like to think about it. Something about the loneliness Clarke is emanating feels familiar to Octavia though, and she did try and bring Octavia back all those months ago.
“Don’t you think that would be a little weird?” Clarke asks, clearly thinking the same things.
“I think our entire relationship is weird Griffin, might as well go with it at this point.” Octavia punches her arm in an attempt at affection. “Just radio first, and to be clear, I’m inviting you as a friend, it’s not an all together, free love situation.” Clarke chokes on her drink at that and Octavia can’t help but laugh. “You’re very pretty Clarke but I don’t think I could get over all those attempted murders.” Octavia pats Clarke’s back as she speaks.
“Ditto.” Clarke says once she regained her breath.
“Good. And thanks, for trying to help me in the woods.” Octavia says, her jaw clenching slightly.
“It’s okay, I’ve been there.” Clarke’s eyes travel back to Madi.
Pan suddenly lets out a very loud mewl.
“I think that’s my cue to get up.” Octavia squeezes Clarke’s shoulder as she gets up.
She wanders back over to Niylah, who is seated with Miller, Jackson, Indra and Gaia. Pan immediately sits on Gaia’s feet to warm them and Octavia wraps her arms around Niylah once she’s seated. She can see Bellamy with Echo sitting on an overturned log, he seems to be softly talking to the baby bump.
“Are you okay Niron?” Niylah asks softly.
Octavia looks at Niylah and how the shadows from the flames dance across her face, sees Jackson and Miller cuddled close on the bench she spent hours trying to get straight and she’s suddenly aware that she is okay. Her family looks different than she ever thought it would, she misses Lincoln, yearns for a closeness with Bellamy again, wishes Indra would look at her how she used to, hopes one day Kane will just look at her at all, but in that moment, she’s so grateful for the family she’s managed to find.
“Yeah.” Octavia whispers softly looking into Niylah’s eyes. “I really am.”
Maybe that’s what makes a home, Octavia thinks, the people you build it with, no matter how unexpected.