Work Text:
Its funny how it is with first times. How your heart is pounding in your chest, your hands sweaty and the nervousness audible in your shaking voice. The worst thing about first times is the fear of failing. You know so much, have heard so many stories, and looked forward to this. It doesn’t matter if its your first kiss, your first time playing for a crowd or your first day at a new school. It’s just the same.
The crippling feeling spreading from your butterfly filled stomach to the very tip of your fingers, making them sum with expectations almost ruining the moment. Because what if something goes wrong? What if you get clumsy? Screw up? Will they forgive or will they laugh at you, make a fool out of you because of your obvious lack of experience.
What could happen and what will happen? You have imagined this moment a thousand times played it over and over as if your mind was a recording machine. Freezed the frame, altered the imperfect moment and then pressing the play button once again. Making sure everything was exactly the way you wanted it to be. Lying in bed for hours only thinking about this moment. Making it perfect.
But you can’t do that in reality. There is no pause button. Life goes on even though you want to grasp the moment before it runs out, like sand between your fingers. Even though you wish you could freeze the frame, rewinding it in slow-motion and alter the second to fulfill your imaginative fantasies. You can’t stop time. You can’t do something over. You only get one shot. So you better do it right.
All of these thoughts flooded Dan’s mind making him loose his tight grip of reality and making his head spin. In all his might he pushed them away trying to focus on the situation. Trying to focus on Phil, focusing on how is breath was hot against his skin, and his cerulean eyes mirroring the same emotions as his own as they stared at each other, ocean blue meeting chocolate brown. He tried to focus on Phil’s cold fingers gently resting on his hips, slowly caressing the bit of skin the rode up shirt had exposed. He tried to focus on Phil but everywhere he looked he saw the same insecurity that he felt himself.
Because the thing about first times is that even if you where the most experienced person on the world, if you had done a thousand gigs and kissed a million people, you would still feel that kick in your stomach if it meant enough to you. And this meant the world to Dan. This moment meant more than he could ever express. This moment erased all those other people, all the drunken kisses and empty “I love you”s. They where all erased leaving him stripped of off experience. Making him so incredibly vulnerable because this meant everything.
The strange thing though is that it doesn’t have to be this way. All of these emotions, all these doubts come from within yourself. The other person has no expectations to you. Its only something going on inside your head. The truth is you don’t have to be nervous.
So Dan forgot about his daydreams. He forgot about his nervousness and his expectations. He forgot about everything, pushing every single atom, that was not Phil, out of his little world. And Dan lifted his head, slowly connecting his lips with Phil’s, in a moment that seemed to last forever, because in Dan’s world it did. Here he had managed to press that pause button, here they had found their little infinity.