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Anakin doesn’t know what to do. There are bigger problems right now than him having a bit more trauma.
(The Queen’s hands and body had been nothing like the loving touches of Fives or his wife, and it makes him sick just thinking about it. He can’t help but feel like he’s betrayed them. He could have fought back, after all. It might have hurt )
So, when Fives sneaks to his quarters… he doesn’t know what to do. He’d wanted not to worry him, wanted to just break down for a moment and then go back to everything he had to do like wrestling a sizable break for his men between now and their next deployment, Dogma’s trial, and, in the immediate, getting the colonists home.
He wishes there was more he could do for them after being in a training facility for two weeks. Maybe after the war…
But, anyways, back to the moment.
“What are you doing here?” Anakin asks, internally wincing at how that must sound. Fives just takes off his helmet.
“I’m worried about you, cyare,” he says. “You closed the bond.”
Kriff. Why did he teach Fives about the Force, again?
“I’m fine,” he says, and, okay, that’s a lie, but what else is new? This is just something else to add and he can focus on himself after the war is over.
Fives shakes his head.
“If you were fine, then you wouldn’t be blocking the bond,” he says. Anakin sighs.
“Okay, fine,” he says. “I’m not fine, but… dear Force, there’s so much happening and too much to do, all at once.”
“That’s not enough to close the bond,” Fives says. “At least tell me you’re planning on getting some sleep, tonight?”
Anakin doesn’t answer. No, he wasn’t. He doesn’t want to have to imagine what his nightmares will look like in the middle of all of this. Fives sighs.
“What happened?” he asks. “After you were captured.”
Anakin shakes his head.
“I don’t… I don’t want to talk about it,” he says. “Please.”
“Anakin…” Fives reaches his hand out. Anakin takes a step back without thinking.
“Don’t,” he says, feeling trapped. “I… I have too much to do.”
Fives ignores his flimsy excuse.
“You need rest, love. And to talk about… whatever it is that you aren’t telling me. I can imagine what you must be feeling,” he says. Anakin hopes not. “The problems won’t get worse in the next nine hours. Probably.”
Anakin huffs a laugh that he doesn’t feel. It probably will get worse, with his luck.
And… he hadn’t wanted Fives to be here, but his partner takes his hands and Anakin starts to sob. Fives moves closer, putting a hand on his cheek.
“Please don’t cry, Anakin,” he says. “I’m sorry, I was just worried. I can go.”
Anakin shakes his head, pulling himself almost together. He’s never been good at hiding his emotions.
“No,” he says. “I’m sorry. I’m normal.”
He doesn’t want him to go, but he also wants to be alone. He hadn’t wanted to make more problems, but he’s still become another thing for Fives to worry about. For everyone to worry about, really, because when he gets upset, he usually gets reckless, and that usually hurts his men.
At least they’re due for a break after this. He thinks he can manage at least four weeks of leave for everyone. Hopefully. Kriff. Everything is wrong right now and he can’t help but wonder if it’ll just get worse.
(And, of course, there is also that distinction. He’s not okay, just normal… and even that much is a lie.)
Fives smiles.
“Good,” he says. “Now, bed.”
They strip out of the uncomfortable bits of their outfits and squeeze onto Anakin’s bed. It may be slightly bigger than the cots in the trooper’s barracks, but not enough to fit two people comfortably. Anakin basks in the warmth and comfort of laying with someone who loves him and thanks the Force that Fives doesn’t comment when he doesn’t take off his undertunic.
(The whip hadn’t hurt more than what he’s used to, but the meaning had.)
“I love you,” he says. “I didn’t want to add to everything happening.”
Fives just shakes his head.
“You add to everything when you act like a normal Jedi,” he says. “Di’kut.”
Anakin sighs. He knows. It’s just…
“Don’t make me talk about it, yet,” he begs. “Later, I swear, but…”
Fives just kisses him.
“Later,” he says.
Anakin smiles, and he falls asleep safe and loved.