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At first, Connor didn’t know what had pulled him from what had been a blissfully dreamless, deep sleep. In fact, Connor was on his one hundred and first peaceful night; his hell dreams had finally come to a stop, it seemed, and perhaps the only person happier about that than Connor himself was his boyfriend, Kevin Price. It was this thought of Kevin that brought Connor’s wandering attention back to the dark bedroom that the two men shared these days, tucked away in the corner of their little apartment- where they had been happily living together for the better part of a year now. Their time in Uganda was long past now, and along with it any attempts at turning anything off. No, these days both Connor and Kevin were well acquainted with their own identities and with one another.
That, however, was not to say that neither of them weren’t occasionally haunted by their days as good, straight Mormon boys. In fact, Connor realized suddenly and with a jolt, that seemed to be what had pulled him from sleep. A glance over at his boyfriend in the darkness found Kevin tangled in their soft sheets, his long fingers grasped tightly around the fabric as he tossed his head fitfully back and forth. A thin sheen of sweat glistened on his forehead and stuck strands of his silky dark hair to his skin.
“No, no, no,” he muttered to himself. “No- Connor.” Connor’s name was wrenched from Kevin’s lungs with a gasp, a heartbreaking sound to the no longer sleepy redhead at his side. Connor reached out and shook Kevin’s shoulder, gentle but firm and insistent.
“Kevin,” he called. “Kevin, sweetheart, wake up. Wake up, Kevin, come on.”
It took a moment, but ultimately his calls drew Kevin from his nightmare and his dark eyes snapped open with a gasp. He shuddered and clawed at the sheets, scrambling for space to sit up as his chest heaved with sharp, struggling breath.
“Connor,” he gasped. “Connor, Connor-”
“Kevin, Kevin, I’m right here,” Connor said, stumbling over the syllables in his rush to reassure Kevin. Kevin turned his head quickly at the sound of Connor’s voice, his eyes wild with fear. Connor quickly flicked the light on and the room was instantly flooded with bright, warm light. Kevin blinked once and then began to sob with abandon, drawing his knees up to his chest.
“Hey, hey,” Connor soothed, quickly settling himself closer to Kevin. He ran his hand over Kevin’s bare shoulders and sighed at the tension there. Kevin had nearly shaken his own hell dreams as well, but when they did surface, they did so with a vengeance. “Hey, Kevin, shh. You’re okay. You’re okay.”
“Connor,” Kevin sobbed, his voice breaking on the second syllable and sending an unpleasant shock of pain through his boyfriend’s chest at the sound.
“Kevin, honey, I’m right here,” he said evenly. “Hey. Kevin, look at me.”
A warm touch on Kevin’s cheek drew his gaze to Connor again, but still he didn’t seem to fully process Connor there in front of him.
“Connor- they were hurting- I have to,” he spoke in half sentences, nearly gibberish, frantic to do something, though Connor was not entirely sure what.
“No, Kevin,” he said gently. “You don’t have to do anything, darling. You’re home and safe.”
“But Connor-”
“Kevin, look at me,” Connor implored, and rested his palm against Kevin’s too-warm cheek, wet with tears and turned red from the crying. “Look at me. It’s me,” he assured him. “It’s me, Kev, you’re safe.”
“Oh. Connor,” Kevin said again, but this time it was a whisper with a note of wonder buried in the softness, a realization that brought a quick rush of calm over his elegant features as he recognized Connor. Connor himself breathed a sigh of relief and offered Kevin a soft smile.
“Yeah, it’s just me,” he said quietly. Kevin took a shuddering breath and then launched himself at Connor, who was knocked very briefly off-balance by the force of it before he righted himself, quickly enveloping Kevin in a warm, familiar embrace.
“Shh,” he soothed. “You’re okay. It was just a dream, sweetheart. You’re alright.”
“I was- they were going to hurt- and I was trying to-”
“Okay, Kevin, honey, breathe,” Connor mumbled against Kevin’s soft locks of hair. “Shh. Just breathe.”
“I can’t!” Kevin exclaimed, and it seemed quite true; he was gasping for air as his fingers wrapped Connor’s threadbare tee shirt in a death grip.
“Kevin, honey, let go,” Connor coaxed, attempting to pull away from Kevin. His intention had been to face Kevin and coach him through the even breathing that he knew his boyfriend needed. However, his good intentions were perceived in an entirely different manner by a fragile Kevin, who only panicked furter.
“Nononono, Connor don’t,” he begged, sounding more upset than Connor thought he’d heard him in a long time. “Connor, don’t. Please don’t leave me, I didn’t- I’m sorry, please don’t-”
“Oh, Kevin, sweetie, no,” Connor soothed, immediately pulling Kevin close once more. “No no, sweetheart, I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here, love. It’s okay. I’m right here, okay? I’ve got you.”
“Don’t leave me,” Kevin sobbed, his head buried firmly in the crook of Connor’s neck. He shook in Connor’s arms, so much so that Connor could physically see him trembling.
“No, of course not,” Connor murmured, holding Kevin more tightly against his chest. Suddenly, the taller man seemed impossibly small as he clung to Connor. “No. I would never leave you, Kevin, I promise. I’m right here with you, okay? Not going anywhere.”
“Connor, I can’t-”
“You can,” Connor interrupted softly. He trailed his fingers soothingly along Kevin’s spine and then buried them in his hair, scratching lightly against his scalp in a way that he knew always calmed his boyfriend. “In and out, sweetheart. Just go slowly, like me, okay? See?” He demonstrated with a slow, steadying breath that he knew Kevin would feel from his position against Connor’s chest. “Just go slowly. You’ve got this, Kevin, I promise. You’ve got this.”
Slowly, Kevin’s breathing began to even out, but he was still left with the uncontrollable shaking and the tears that didn’t seem likely to stop anytime soon.
“See?” Connor murmured. “There you go. You’re doing so well, sweetheart.” He pressed a trail of kisses along Kevin’s hairline, gentle and reassuring.
“They were hurting you and I couldn’t- I was just trying to help,” Kevin whispered miserably.
“Oh, Kevin. It was just a dream, darling. Nobody is hurting anyone, okay? We’re both safe at home, yeah?”
Kevin nodded hesitantly against Connor, but his nervous fingertips danced uncertainly across the surface of Connor’s chest as if searching for evidence to the contrary.
“Hey,” Connor murmured, pulling back just far enough to look at Kevin’s face, taking in the scared dark eyes. “Would it help if I take my shirt off so you can see?” he asked softly, and Kevin was nodding furiously before Connor was even finished.
“Okay,” he said. “I have to let go of your for a moment, okay?” he prefaced. “But I’m right here, you hear me? I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
“Okay,” Kevin whispered, sounding like he was steeling himself. Connor wasn’t sure if it was a trick of his mind, but he was pretty sure Kevin’s trembling became more pronounced with the lack of contact. He swept his tee shirt over his head as quickly and fluidly as he possibly could, tugging it off with one quick motion and discarding it carelessly on the floor.
“Come here, love,” he murmured softly, and Kevin immediately curled up in Connor’s lap, skin against skin. Connor held him close, rocking gently back and forth.
“See?” he said softly. “Safe and sound. Everything’s okay.”
“Mmhmm,” Kevin hummed against Connor’s neck. “But I was so scared.”
“I know,” Connor mumbled.
“I was trying to help you, Connor, I swear,” Kevin said suddenly after a few moments’ silence. He lifted his head from Connor’s shoulder and met Connor’s light blue eyes with his earnest dark gaze. “I was trying,” he implored. “You kept screaming and they kept telling me to go, but I would never have left you there, Connor, I really wouldn’t.”
“Oh, Kevin, sweetie, I know,” Connor assured him, resting his palm against Kevin’s cheek and smoothing the pad of his thumb over Kevin’s prominent high cheekbone. “I know you wouldn’t, sweetheart. But it’s okay, right, because it was just a dream. It wasn’t real, right?”
“Right,” Kevin whispered shakily. “Right,” he added again with a nod and a hard swallow, as if he were trying to convince himself more than anything.
“Come on, darling,” Connor coaxed gently. “Let’s get you back to sleep, yeah?”
“But-”
“Hey, no,” Connor cut him off. “No. Everything is going to be okay, and if it isn’t, I’m going to be right here. But you’ve got to sleep, Kev. We don’t want a repeat of last time, do we?” he urged gently.
“No,” Kevin admitted, hanging his head with an unmistakable expression of shame. “I’m sorry.”
“No, shh,” Connor soothed. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Kevin. I’m not upset with you, sweetheart. I promise.”
“I woke you up,” Kevin whispered. This was perhaps Connor’s least favorite part of Kevin’s nightmares; once he calmed himself down, he was inevitably overcome with immense guilt.
“And I was more than happy that you did,” Connor finished. “Because then I got to be here for you, which I always want to be. You did nothing wrong, Kevin, I promise you.”
“I still-”
“Kevin,” Connor said gently. “Please don’t beat yourself up. It’s all okay. Promise.”
He held his pinky finger out to Kevin seriously, who looked at him with a watery gaze.
“Pinky promise?” Kevin whispered, looking for all the world like a small child in that moment. Connor nodded seriously.
“Pinky promise,” he echoed, and watched as Kevin raised a shaking hand to interlock their pinky fingers. Connor tightened his around Kevin’s and leaned in to press a tender kiss to Kevin’s forehead. Then, he reached out and flicked the light off again, plunging the room into darkness that elicited a gasp from Kevin.
“Connor-” he began, but was cut off by Connor’s hand in his own.
“I’m here,” Connor soothed. “It’s alright, Kevin. It’s just dark; I’m here.”
“Sorry,” Kevin whispered.
“No, no,” Connor said softly. “No, honey, it’s okay. Do you need it back on?”
“No,” Kevin answered quickly.
“Are you sure?” Connor pressed. He ran his free hand through Kevin’s hair, watching him in the darkness. “We can turn it back on if you want, Kevin. It’s okay if you need the light on, I promise.”
“Yes, please, turn it on,” Kevin begged in a quick whisper. Seconds later, the light was on and Kevin was curled against Connor again.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Connor said softly. “I’m sorry.” He threaded his fingers through Kevin’s hair and let his hand rest there against Kevin’s head, the other rubbing soothing circles into the bare skin of Kevin’s back. “I didn’t mean to scare you. You’re okay.”
“I’m sorry I can’t-”
“Shh, shh,” Connor soothed. “It’s alright, sweetheart. It’s alright. Just rest now, okay? I’ve got you.”
“I don’t want to keep you up, I can go-”
“Oh, no you don’t,” Connor interrupted quickly. “No. You’re staying right here, Kevin Price, don’t you even think about moving from this bed. Got it?”
“I just-”
“Kevin, sweetheart, I’m not leaving you alone,” Connor said, never once sounding even vaguely exasperated. “I don’t want to, and I wouldn’t. Just relax, okay? You’re not burdening me even in the slightest. I love you, and I want to be taking care of you. Okay?”
“Okay,” Kevin whispered. He cautiously snuggled closer to Connor and looked up at him.
“Connor?” he asked.
“Yes?” Connor relied patiently, looking down to meet Kevin’s waiting gaze.
“Don’t leave before I wake up, okay?” he asked so softly that Connor almost didn’t hear him. Connor smiled slightly.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he promised, leaning in to press a sweet kiss to the very tip of Kevin’s nose, watching as his boyfriend’s face scrunched up adorably in response.
“Thank you,” Kevin breathed.
“Always,” Connor answered, and moments later, Kevin was dead weight in his arms and Connor knew that soon his arm would be numb- but he couldn’t have cared less.