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Touya was fifteen when he made up his mind.
He was always in the way of everything, it would be in everyone's best interest that he got out of it.
He always knew, in the back of his head, that it would come to this. He still had the letters in his drawer from the last time he wimped out, he just needed to rewrite them. If he was going to actually do this, he had to leave one good impact on at least the people he cared about, right?
He stayed up for two days, writing and rewriting the letters, making them perfect. He didn't write out a will because no one would want what he had, so what was the point? If they wanted something, they could take it.
Once the letters were finally done, he set them gingerly on his bedside table and finally managed to get some sleep. The day ahead of his was supposed to be important.
As soon as he woke up, he was making sure he looked okay and rushing out the door, his destination in mind and the confidence to get there.
He walked to the closest abandoned building to his mother's hospital. If he did survive, what has the point in even going to a hospital if it wasn't that one?
Thankfully, the metal building was high enough for his liking. If he jumped off of this one and landing, there was no chance of him surviving unless he seriously wimped out. Touya took a deep breath in, "This is for the best," deep breath out, "They'll be better without you," repeat. He had barely noticed his hyperventilation, managing to catch it by a hair before he barrelled into an anxiety attack.
He stood at the edge of the building, looking at the ground below him. He had walked across it before, making sure it wasn't soft. It was fairly beautiful, and he would probably be unfairly messing it up with his blood. If he was lucky, he could hit the little unkempt rock patch, which probably used to be surrounded by pretty flowers. This place used to be an old mall after all, so it was supposed to look nice.
Deciding he wasn't quite ready yet, Touya sat at the edge. He knew that if he waited much longer, he would start overthinking, but if he didn't wait any more time, he would chicken out. He sat for a few minutes, looking at the bustling sidewalks and roads across the street, but the little activity on the one his legs were dangling above.
Without giving himself any warning, he braced his arms on the building's small ledge and shoved himself off.
The first second or two was full of a blissful calm, the thought that his family would be safer flooding all of his senses. He could just see it now, Endeavor would calm down a bit, Mom would smile, Fuyumi would stop being so overworked, Natsuo wouldn't have to worry so much, and Shouto would be able to have the ending of a normal childhood.
After that, he felt absolute chaos. As soon as the calm before the storm was over, Touya's first thought was "I don't want to die." The g-force of falling made him hurt like a motherfucker, he was panicking a bit, continuously thinking "What if everything goes the opposite of what I've planned?" It took everything in him to keep himself from screaming and drawing attention to himself. If that happened, everything he had worked towards would be reversed.
Right before he blacked out, he realized that everything he had been trying to fix could be fixed without this.
He couldn't have actually passed out soon enough.
But he ended up awake, stuck in a hospital bed with Fuyumi and Natsuo on either side of him, his mother tightly gripping the back of Fuyumi's chair and Shouto sat on Natsuo's lap. Fuyumi and Natsuo were tightly gripping one of his hands with one of their hands and their note he wrote to them in the other. In fact, everyone was gripping their letter tightly at the moment, eyes clenched shut like they couldn't believe what was happening.
He didn't even let anyone open their eyes, Touya just grabbed his siblings' hands back and mumbled a pitiful, "I'm so fucking sorry," before breaking into sobs.
Everyone's eyes snapped open, locking onto him like he was fake. No, Touya was in a coma, he committed suicide, he can't be talking right now!
"Can I read my letters again?" It was a stupid thing to ask, but one by one, they all handed them over.
Fuyumi,
I'm so sorry I couldn't help you with anything. I was supposed to be your older brother, but you ended up taking care of everyone and all I did was watch. I hope you can finally have some time to yourself and be able to relax without your dumbass older brother getting in the way. I always argued with Endeavor, and I even enjoyed it sometimes. I was always so fucking selfish, I still am, but I didn't even notice how much you were suffering. What kind of fucking brother am I? You were right, you would have been better with literally anyone else as your older sibling.
Remember how I never told you the story of my piercings? I always made sure to get them in fours, one for you, Natsu, Sho, and Mom. I think I was just angry at her when I got my nostril piercings, that's why there's only three there.
I actually didn't tell you a lot of things, and I regret it so fucking much, Yumi. I was too closed off to tell you how I was feeling or to ask how you were feeling. Maybe if I got my head out of y ass, I would have been able to help you pick up Endeavor and my mess.
If I make it out of this alive, which I hope I won't, make sure I tell you fucking everything. Don't let me leave until I do, fuck, ice me to a bed, chair, or even a fucking wall, I don't give a shit, you just deserve more than what I've given you.
I'm so fucking sorry, Yumi, but this is for the best. I guess you were right though, I was the most emotionally unstable out of all of us.
Love,
Touya♡
Natsuo,
you've been so stressed and so worried for so long, and I did nothing to help you. Big brothers are supposed to be a safe person for younger siblings to talk to, yet I didn't let you talk to me. You're the one I need to apologize to the most.
I'm sorry for always slamming the door in your face, I'm sorry for throwing shit at you, I'm sorry for giving you that nasty burn on your upper arm that you liked to complain about, sorry for being a shitty brother (don't even call me that, I wasn't much of one anyway), sorry for always blocking you, Yumi, and Sho out of my life, sorry for that one time I left without telling you guys and didn't come back for a week, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, I can't say it enough, Natsu.
Now you'll never get to know how much I regretted doing all of that, you'll never know how much I care about you all, you'll never know about that box I had under my dorm bed, where I hid all of our family pictures I got, and you guys will generally not know anything about me.
And I'll never know anything about you. I'll never know your favorite color, game, food, sibling, friend, class, time, drink, anything. I'm supposed to invade your privacy and see if there was anyone you fancied in your class, see if you made a new friend, see if you got good grades. But I never did. I never lived up to my "older brother" title, and I'm so fucking sorry, Natsu.
I can never turn this around, but I hope that you'll have to worry less after I'm gone. You and Yumi won't have to worry about patching me up after a bad fight, because there will be no more me to patch up. You won't have to worry about me waking Sho up from my obnoxious screaming, because I won't be there to scream anymore.
If your life doesn't get any better soon, trust me, it will.
Love,
Touya♡
Shouto,
I know you never knew me well, but I wish I knew you better.
Heck, you're only 3, can you even read?
Probably, you're Endeavor's son.
If that man who is supposed to be your "father" gives you a bad time, make sure you don't bottle it up inside yourself. If you do that, you won't be able to express your emotions well in the future, and you'll end up doing the stupid shit stuff I do. Trust me, you do not want to be like me.
I bottled up my emotions way too much. I wouldn't talk to Fuyumi, Natsuo, or Mom about anything. I didn't think they would want to hear it.
After I'm gone, I hope things get better for you. Hopefully, if I beg whoever is up in Heaven or whoever is down in Hell, even if there is someone in Purgatory (because I know you believe in those, even though Natsup and I don't), I'll beg them to give the rest of a good childhood. You deserve it more than any of us. If I don't try my hardest, who knows what he'll do to you? Hopefully, he has the heart to mourn me long enough to give you a break from training.
He shouldn't be training you, you're way too young.
If you ever have a hard time with him again, just remember that talk that we had. Fire doesn't always have to be harmful. Fire can be absolutely stunning, and I know you have it in yourself to make it that.
I love you so much, I hope someday you can know that,
Touya♡
Mom,
I fucked up so bad. I hope you're happy that I'm gone, you won't have to look at me and see him anymore. I wish I could have changed more of myself besides stupid piercings and dying my hair, and having him give me scars. I know you can still see him, plain as day, and I'll never be able to change that.
I love you all so much, and I'm going to keep your letter short because I don't want to overwhelm you.
It broke my heart every time you looked at me with that fear-filled gaze, or every time you jumped or yelped every time I entered the same room as you. or every time I shouted.
I shout exactly like him.
If I make it out of this, I'll make sure that I make myself look even more different so you don't have to put up with that bastard anymore.
I'll never stop loving any of you, as cheesy as that sounds.
Touya♡
Even in what felt like an oversized sweater of support, Touya still felt himself break. Why did he think that this would all be a good idea for his family? Fuyumi was only eleven, Natsuo was seven, and Shouto was three! Fucking three, and he was going to leave him without even making a scratch in his family memories.
Tracing gently over the scars across his arms, the ones Endeavor gave him and the ones he gave himself, he promised himself one thing.
No matter how much it killed him, he was going to make it up to this goddamn family.
Even without Endeavor there, he could still remember the letter he wrote to his "father." It was the only one that was actually good out of the batch.
It read:
"Endeavor,
Suck my fucking cock you goddamn overgrown campfire. We all want to fucking kill you.
Touya"
He better have read that, because when Touya let Fuyumi pull him into her side, he simply wished that he would have been the one who jumped.
If Endeavor didn't succeed then, he would be the one to take him down.
As he pulled Natsuo and Shouto in, his mother naturally coming up to join the embrace, Touya slowly whispered,
"I'll fucking end him for you all, even if that means I'll have to make a few more stupid decisions."