Chapter Text
~ START OF TRANSMISSION - AVENGERS COMPOUND - AUGUST 13th ~
Peter: So, uh, we all have sort of… gotten our characters ready, right? Like, with backstory and names, and, everyone’s made basic - the basic decisions of who they’re playing as, and what each individual character is… well, gonna be bringing to the metaphorical table, yes?
Ned: Yep.
Bruce: Yeah, I think… I think we’re pretty good.
Tony: It should be pointed out that, without Mr. Parker’s help, the, uh, seniors of the group would not have had any idea what they were doing character-formation wise, so, thank you, Mr. Parker!
Peter: Uh, you’re welcome! It was really - really, it wasn’t a big deal.
Bruce: I’m going to say that it was, because otherwise Tony and I would have been in serious trouble.
Peter: Yeah, I guess that’s probably a fair assumption.
Tony: [crosstalk] I mean I probably would’ve been able to figure it out eventually.
Ned: So, how’re we doing this? Is there like, a plan, so that we can introduce our characters and let the other members of the party know what to expect from them?
Peter: That’s a good idea! Uh, yeah, let’s just like, round robin the table, and everyone can, like, share their character with the others. Uhm -
Tony: I would like to go first.
Peter: Oh, uh, yeah, sure, Mr. Stark. Go ahead.
Ned: I am very excited for this.
Tony: So, this may come as a surprise to… a few people here, who are listening -
Bruce: I’m sure it won’t.
Tony: Uh, I have… decided to create a character who, I think, personifies both me, and who I once hoped I would be, and as such, I will be playing as a human bard, named… Stony Ark.
[Bruce and Ned laughing]
Peter: I am - I’m gonna have to say no.
Tony: What do you mean, no? You helped me create this character!
Peter: I didn’t help you name him!
Tony: What does that matter?
[Ned is still snickering, but more quietly, now]
Peter: [pained] I just - D&D is for fantasy scenarios, Mr. Stark, and the name you came up with-
Tony: What do you have against Stony?!
[More laughter]
Peter: [over the laughter] I have - I have everything against Stony.
Bruce: I think it’s a good name.
Ned: Yeah [small snort] me too.
Peter: [heavy sigh]
Tony: Listen, you can have me and Stony, or you can find a fourth person.
Peter: That isn’t… that isn’t as much of a threat as you think it is, Mr. Stark. Mr. Wilson seemed very interested in the campaign, and he offered - well, this is kinda dark - uh, he offered to take the place of any one of your characters that might, well, uhm, die, during this -
Bruce: Wait, wait, what?
Peter: [crosstalk] This - uh -
Ned: It’s gonna be that crazy? I didn’t - I’ve never died during a D&D campaign.
Peter: Well, you’ve never played one of my D&D campaigns. So, yeah, Mr. Stark, if you don’t want to play, I can go ask Mr. Wilson to take your place.
Tony: I am using my human bard Stony Ark, or I am taking back the cool die I bought you.
Peter: All right, you can… play with your… ridiculously named character, whatever.
Tony: Good. Glad that’s settled.
Peter: Uhm, why don’t you give us - God, I already hate this so much - give us a rundown on… on your… your guy?
Bruce: [muffled laughter]
Tony: I will gladly do so. Stony Ark is, well, he’s a bard. He’s… he learned his craft at an extremely young age via traveling with a journeying, like, I don’t know, band of Merry Men ? There’s a… there’s a better way to describe this. Just -
Ned: What, like, Kvothe -style? From Name of the Wind?
Tony: [crosstalk] Name of the Wind! Yes, thank you, Mr. Leeds. Yeah, so, Stony’s always played music, and he’s proficient in basically any and all instruments in this fantasy world, although he’s especially good at lute, and he can… craft tales and songs like it’s nobody’s business.
And uh, he is also pretty good at like, sneak fighting? Like, traveling on the road for such a long time, since he was young, he - he learned a bit of fighting skills, from his, from his Merry Men, and so he’s also got like, a pretty good grasp on one-handed fighting. It’s - it’s one handed, so that he can keep, like, playing his flute while he’s fighting.
[Laughter]
Peter: Why would he need to be playing his flute while he’s swinging a sword at somebody?
Tony: It’s just in case.
Peter: Okay, uhm, anything else we need to know about him?
Tony: He’s a ladykiller.
Bruce: Of course.
Peter: Right, I don’t even know why I bothered asking. Uh, Doc? Why don’t you go next? Who do you got?
Bruce: Okay! Uh, so, because I am always fighting as a big green guy, I decided to, uh, stay away from the orc race. Not because I don’t like orcs, obviously, I’m not orcsist, or whatever -
Tony: No, we get it.
Bruce: Right. So, I decided to roll a half-elf wizard named Pentan, and -
Peter: Does he have a last name?
Bruce: [hesitantly] … Rune… shield…
[Ned laughing]
Bruce: [more assuredly] Pentan Runeshield!
Peter: [smiling] Okay.
Bruce: Yes, and Pentan is… focused - well, that’s not the word - he’s… neutral good.
Ned: Yes?
Bruce: Which means that he’ll follow the rules, if he doesn’t have a problem with them.
Tony: Wiener.
Bruce: Okay, y’know what -
Peter: [interrupting] Let’s not… get into that. Uh, Ned! Who, who’re you playin’ as, my man? My homie gee?
Ned: Well, first, stop that, please.
Peter: Right, sorry.
Ned: Second, because uh, Peter told me that neither of you were choosing to focus on characters who are skilled in combat -
Tony: Hey! Stony is very good at his dagger-ing.
Peter: Mr. Stark, your character doesn’t have a dagger. He has a rapier.
Tony: I want to trade that for a dagger.
Peter: That isn’t something you can do.
Ned: Can I introduce my character?
Bruce: Please.
Ned: Okay, so, I’m playing as an orc. Uh, my orc, who happens to be a paladin, and he is so because he was raised by two human parents, both of whom were loyal servicemen in their, uh, city’s guard, and he wanted to grow up to be just like them.
Peter: And your name is -?
Ned: Jak Bennet!
Peter: You have a human last name.
Ned: Because of my human parents, DM! Were you not listening?
Peter: No, I was - I was distracted by - what are you doing, Mr. Stark?
Tony: I’m looking up whether or not my bard is allowed to have a dagger instead of a rapier, and you’re about to feel so dumb, kid, because look at what this says!
[Pause]
Ned: What does it say?
Bruce: Yeah, I want to know, too.
Tony: Read it aloud. Tell them. Tell them so that you can feel your shame even more.
Peter: It, ugh, it says that one of the tools that a bard automatically comes with is a dagger, so -
Tony: Uh-huh!
Peter: I don’t know why you’d choose to use a dagger instead of the sick magic skills that you can also do, but whatever. Uhm -
Ned: You got shown up.
Tony: I was alive in the ‘80s, and you were not. I know how D&D works, kid. Don’t test me.
Peter: Uh, Ned?
Ned: Yeah?
Peter: Do you, uhm, you wanna tell them what else you’ve got going for you?
Ned: Oh! Yes, so, Jak’s human parents were also very religious -
[Bruce laughing]
Tony: Oh no.
Ned: Which means that Jak is also religious.
Peter: But?
Ned: But my intelligence is low as shit, and therefore I have no bonus in religion checks.
[Bruce laughs harder]
Ned: But I do have heckin’ medicine skills, so -
Tony: Oh, that’s good, because my guy only has nine hit points right now, so -
Bruce: Yeah, Pentan’s not the buffest guy, either.
Peter: Don’t worry about that, that’s just a level one, uh, a level one thing that will get resolved shortly, because uh, level one sucks? And I know it sucks? So, yeah, we’re gonna, we’re gonna get you guys leveled up as soon as possible.
Anyway, I don’t - I don’t really know how you guys want to do this. I mean, I don’t foresee any of you having met before the start of the campaign, but if you guys wanna, like, try to convince me that two of you, or maybe all three of you, have met in some, some kind of manner beforehand, then it’ll probably make this first story-part go by quicker.
Tony: So, what, we have to, like, spin a yarn about how my traveling bard might possibly know Bruce’s elf guy?
Bruce: Maybe you came into my place of study, once, to like, check out a book.
[Peter laughing]
Tony: What the hell are you talking about?
Bruce: I’m a mage! I had to learn my craft someplace. I assumed there was like, a school, or something, that I went to.
Ned: [crosstalk] Like Hogwarts?
Peter: [crosstalk] You want your guy to be Harry Potter?
Bruce: I don’t know! I was trying to do backstory.
Peter: Uh, yeah, sure, Pentan - Pentan attended The Academy, which is like, the hoity-toity magic schools in - in Adren, which is the uh, which is the country that we’re going to be playing in. I’m gonna have to say that I doubt that uh, Mr. Stark’s character ever made a trip to The Academy, though, strictly because of how expensive it is?
Tony: Hey! You saying Stony’s poor ?
Peter: And a little dirty too, yeah.
Ned: Since that’s canon now [Tony: It is not. ], I would like to try to persuade Peter into the possibility of Jak having uh, at one point, arrested Stony.
[Peter laughing]
Tony: All right, hang on. Stony doesn’t deserve this.
Peter: No, no, I’m into it. Keep going, Ned.
Ned: Right, so, once upon a time, uhm, Stony came… I don’t know, entertaining through my hometown of uh, Quora -
[Laughter]
Ned: - and uh, he -
Bruce: Does - does this city have a massive library with like, books that have the answers to every question ever asked in them?
Ned: Yes. It’s canon.
Peter: It’s gotta be.
Ned: And Stony, despite being um, underage at the time, decided to, uh, visit the brothel, and a young, much younger Jak, who’d just joined the city watch at the time, catches him, and throws him in jail. For a night.
Tony: [sarcastically] Oh, just a night? That’s, that’s okay, then.
Peter: You know what, I’m - I’ve bought into it. That is… that is genuine backstory, and I think -
Tony: [crosstalk] Wait -
Peter: I think that that’s a good, a good connection between Jak and - and Mr. Stark’s character.
Tony: You know, you’re gonna have to say his name at some point.
Peter: No, not gonna happen.
Bruce: All right, so Tony and Ned know one another, and I’m just kinda… kinda there?
Peter: Yeah, uh… let me just… speak some, some backstory into existence, here.
So, Adren, which, again, is our fantasy play-setting, is not… it’s not that big? But that’s just, that’s only because it’s one of, uh, one of five countries in this, uh, world. None of you have ever been to any of the other four countries, because Adren is your, your home. You might’ve had the desire to go someplace else, but that’s a character choice and I’m not gonna railroad you into feeling one way or another.
Anyway, you all… despite all having been born in Adren, you’ve all come from… different places, and you’ve never really, uh, crossed paths before, except for in the case of Jak and - and -
Tony: Just say it.
Peter: - and the bard -
Tony: Dammit.
Peter: [smiling] But uh, you, for some reason, all find yourselves in the town of Quora, I guess -
[Bruce wheezing]
Ned: [calmly, with poise] It’s canonical. You told me to come up with backstory, and the city of Quora is a huge part of Jak’s backstory. Deal.
Peter: No, I am. It’s great. Uh, so, the three of you are all in Quora, in one of the - the - well, okay, hold on, if - Ned.
Ned: Hm?
Peter: Quora’s a city, you said?
Ned: … well, Jak’s on the city watch, so I -
Peter: [crosstalk] Right.
Ned: [crosstalk] I’d assume it’s a city? To warrant a city watch?
Peter: Yeah, no that makes sense. Good, good, it works out. I decided to start the campaign off in Quora because of your position on the watch, so it’s - it’s good.
Uhm, anyway, the three of you are all in one of Quora’s many taverns, this one called the, uhm, the Bookmark Bar, and -
[Laughter]
Peter: [laughing] - and uh, you’re all there for, for varying reasons. Uh, Pentan, you’re… you’ve wound up in Quora on your endless search for knowledge, y’know, as a mage does.
Bruce: Yes, of course.
Peter: And you decided to take a small, a small drink break, in your studying sesh. Uh, similarly, Jak, you’ve… you’ve just gotten done with you uhm, your shift, I guess, for the watch, and you decided to stop in at the tavern for your nightly mug, along with a few, a few friends from the watch.
As for the bard -
Tony: You’ll have to give in at some point.
Peter: He’s… I really don’t know what he’s doing in Quora, considering his previous visit to the city, but uh -
Tony: [interrupting] I - I made good gold with my performance, the last time I was here, and I thought I’d give it another go, and maybe avoid getting arrested this time.
Ned: I can… I can feel you side eyeing me, even though I can’t see you, and it is a terrifying feeling.
Tony: Good. It’s supposed to be.
Peter: So, no matter the circumstances, you’re all here in the Bookmark Bar, and you are all doing whatever it is… you want to do in the bar, and uh -
Bruce: I want to buy a drink.
Peter: Okay?
Bruce: I am very excited to start role playing, and the first thing I want to do as Pentan Runeshield is buy a drink!
Peter: All right, cool, so uh, you, Pentan I mean, he… he walks up to the bar - well, let me describe the setting real quick.
Bruce: ‘kay.
Peter: The Bookmark Bar is one of the nicer, uhm, establishments in Quora? It is… it’s spacious, with a bar that lines one wall that is, uh, adjacent to the wall with the front entrance on it. A line of maybe twenty bar stools is pressed against it, and about ten of them are occupied at any given time during the hours of 7 PM and 2 AM, which is like, the tavern’s busiest time. There are also several tables in the center of the main room, and against the wall parallel to the entrance, there’s a big stone hearth, and in the fireplace is a, well, warmly glowing fire that pretty much heats up the entire main room.
In front of the hearth are two extremely comfortable armchairs, one of which has someone in it at all times, strictly because of how comfortable they are. Uh, behind the bar is a swinging door that you think leads back into a kitchen, because the tavern does offer meals as well as drinks. And on the other wall, the one that I haven’t mentioned yet, across from the bar, there is a staircase, leading up to a second floor, which has, uh, five rooms on it, for anyone who wants to rent one for the evening.
Pentan, you, uh, you have rented out one of those rooms, I’m going to assume.
Bruce: Yes, of course.
Peter: Yeah, and so you have all your, uh, belongings stored up there, in that room, and I guess you… you come walking down the stairs, maybe with one of your books in hand, and you head across the main room to the bar?
Bruce: That is exactly what I do. I have my nose buried in my book.
Peter: Okay, great! That means, uh, I’m probably gonna have to ask you to roll, like… hm.
Bruce: Wh-why?
Peter: Well, the place is crowded. It’s - it’s like nine o’clock at night, people are getting their drinks on, some people are havin’ a late, a late dinner, it’s… it’s packed, which means you have a very good chance of bumping into somebody, especially with your nose in a book. So… roll… I’m trying to decide if this is like a dexterous thing, or like an intelligence thing.
Ned: It’s a luck thing.
Peter: I don’t think there’s a luck… skill…
Bruce: I forgot to mention that I have my lucky rabbit’s foot in my pocket.
Peter: [laughing] Okay, I’ll just… roll a perception check, as like a, you know that people are gonna be down there, but you don’t know if you’re gonna be able to avoid running into ‘em, but maybe you can, like, perceive where they are as you walk across the bar.
Bruce: Fair enough.
Tony: That was the most long-winded explanation for a roll that I’ve ever heard before in my life.
Peter: It’s the first roll of the game! Give me a break!
Bruce: So, wait, what am I -?
Peter: It’ll be a d20, plus whatever your modifier to perception, is.
Ned: It’s on your sheet.
Bruce: Oh, okay, I see it. Uh - [dice rolling] that’s a 16 plus one -
Peter: Yeah, okay, that, that passes. You’re able to successfully make your way across the tavern’s main floor to the bar, and you plop yourself down on one of the vacant barstools, all without looking up from your book.
Ned: What book is it?
Bruce: … Where the Wild Things Are.
[Raucous laughter]
Bruce: [laughing] It’s - it’s a very… scholarly type book. You can… you can learn much about… about boyhood imagination through it.
Tony: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why do you need to know about boyhood imagination?
Bruce : Because - because it’s something I can learn about! That’s one of Pentan’s things! He wants to learn about everything he can!
Peter: That’s… that’s a good save, Doc. Uh - [Bruce: Thank you] so, what do you do, once you get to the bar?
Bruce: So, I plop down, on my stool, and I, without looking up from my book, I say:
Pentan: [In a voice that sounds like Dr. Drake Ramoray] One honeyed wine, please.
[Laughter]
Tony: [crying from laughing] What kind of voice is that?
Bruce: That was my cool guy voice! Like, I’m a mage, but I’m a cool mage!
Tony: That was - wizards are not cool guys. Especially one as studious as you.
Peter: I think - I hate this, but I think that I might - I’ll have to give it to him.
Tony: What?
Peter: Yeah, I just - mad props, Doc, for actually coming in with a prepared character voice, I -
Bruce: Thank you, Peter!
Peter: Yeah, so, uh, I’m gonna - that voice, just, it immediately grabs the attention of the bartender, who, even though she is currently in the middle of pouring another patron’s drinks, she hurries over to where you’ve seated yourself, fumbling underneath the bar to get your drink prepared, and the, the patron she was helping just kinda goes, uh:
Bar Patron: Hey!
Peter: And the bartender, she goes, to you, Pentan, she says:
Bartender: One honeyed wine, coming right up, sir! Uh, it’s, it’s good to see you out of your room, you’ve been spending a lot of time upstairs.
Pentan: Yes well, you know that old saying: the books call.
Ned: [wheezing] What?
Bartender: Haha, yeah, I know, right?
Tony: Does - is Bruce’s character fuckin’ Tom Selleck or something?
Bruce: That’s too old. He’s more like… he’s got the same suave and like, very trusting demeanor as Tom Selleck, but he’s got the looks of… uh… who’s that - Legolas! But like, his actual actor.
Peter: He looks like Orlando Bloom?
Bruce: Yes. He’s… he’s the elf version of Orlando Bloom’s character from the pirate movies.
Ned: He’s elvish William Turner.
Peter: Got it. There, Mr. Stark, that should,it makes sense, now, why he so easily got the bartender’s attention, right?
Tony: I think he needs to roll a charisma check.
Bruce: But my looks, Tony.
Peter: Yeah, no, the fact that he looks like Orlando Bloom circa Pirates of the Caribbean is like, plus eighty to his charisma.
Bruce: I planned this out. My, my charisma skill isn’t the worst, either, so if - if you want me to -
Tony: I really want you to roll a charisma check.
Peter: I guess, yeah, okay, that might be, that might be funny. Doc, roll a d20 and add your charisma bonus.
Bruce: Ah [dice rolling] oh, shit. Uhm - yeah, I might…
[Ned laughing]
Bruce: [laughing] I might uh, might not have -
Peter: What is it?
Bruce & Ned: Nine.
Tony: Hah! Screw you and your Orlando Bloom elf-ear bullshit!
Peter: Yeah, so, uh… the bartender, she’s… she leans over the bar towards you, to like, pass you your cup of honeyed wine, and I guess, I guess she like, kind of gets a whiff of how you smell? Which isn’t great, considering how much -
[Ned and Bruce laughing]
Peter: - how much time you’ve been spending in your room looking over your many books, instead of, y’know performing basic necessities of hygiene, uh, and she - and she kind of immediately backs off, smiling like… like she’s forcing it, and uh -
Tony: [interrupting] No, he has to roll to see if he can tell that she’s forcing it!
Peter: You’re not the DM!
Tony: I want this to be realistic!
Bruce: Yeah, no, it’s okay. I’ll roll it. That’s perception again, right?
Ned: Yeah.
[dice rolls]
Bruce: 14.
Peter: Yeah, so, you can, you can definitely tell that she’s not as, uh, she’s not as interested in serving you as she once was.
[Tony laughing]
Peter: And she says:
Bartender: [uncomfortably] Do you… do you need anything else?
Pentan: [still Dr. Drake Ramoray, but less confident] Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.
Peter: And she, she nods, and walks - uh, walks back over to the other end of the bar.
Tony: I’m just sitting on one of the other barstools, and I noticed all this happening, and I’m like, chuckling to myself, and I say into my mug, like, under my breath:
Stony: [in Tony’s voice] Fuckin’ loser.
Peter: Okay, so -
Bruce: I don’t like Stony Ark. He’s an ass.
[Ned laughing]
Peter: I’m gonna need Tony to roll a stealth check, if he wants to say that without Pentan hearing.
Tony: [annoyed] What?
Peter: Yeah, my man, if - if you’re close enough to have heard his conversation with the bartender, then you’re close enough for him to have heard what you said into your mug, so -
Tony: Then he needs to contest my stealth role with a perception check!
Bruce: We have been playing for like, ten minutes, and this will be my third perception roll.
Peter: Let’s just see how bad Mr. Stark does; you might not need to roll.
Tony: I liked you so much better when you were, like, meek and afraid of me. The joke’s on you, though, assholes, because my stealth is a plus four. [dice roll] HAH. It’s a 21! Suck it.
Peter: Jesus. Who said you could -
Tony: I did! I was allowed to pick three skills to put extra points into, and I chose persuasion, deception, and stealth! You did this to yourself!
Ned: Are you, like, a sneaky bard?
Tony: No, no, not sneaky, perse. Just… adept at… trickery.
Peter: You’re the Joker.
Tony: That’s… that’s not -
Peter: Thank God, now I have something to call your character in DM-talk. Thank you.
Ned: The Joker doesn’t know how to play any instruments!
Tony: And like -
Peter: Then you’re character’s, like, Loki, then, right?
Tony: Oh -
Peter: Yeah, he - he definitely knows how to play the violin. He’s shown me.
Tony: I don’t approve -
Peter: So, uh, Doctor Banner?
Bruce: Yeah?
Peter: You wanna roll a perception, see if you caught what he said anyway?
Bruce: Uh… what would I have to beat?
Tony & Peter: A 21.
Bruce: Uh… plus one… yeah, no, I think I’ll just, let it slide.
Peter: All right, that’s fine. Uhm -
Ned: At that moment, Jak Bennet pushes his way into the Bookmark, laughing heartily at one of the jokes his compatriots has just told him!
Jak: [Sounds like Christopher Lloyd] Haha! That was a good one, J-Jerry!
[Laughter]
Peter: And the… I’m assuming human, who just told the joke, goes:
Jerry: Yeah, yeah! It’s definitely one of my better ones!
Ned: Peter.
Peter: Hm?
Ned: How… likely is it, that I immediately recognize Stony Ark?
Peter: Uh… I’m gonna - okay, how about you roll a, uhm, an investigation check? Just to like, examine the bar as a whole? And like, past a certain number, you’ll notice him, and then like, past another number, you’ll recognize him.
Uh, Mr. Stark, you can do the same, too, if you want, to like, examine the duo of city watchmen that just entered the tavern, and see if you recognize, uh, Jak.
Tony: Cool.
[dice rolling]
Ned: Uh, dammit, I got a two.
Peter: Yikes, really?
Ned: Yeah, I uh, not that smart, intelligence wise, and so I have a negative two modifier.
Peter: Oh no.
Tony: I got an 11.
Peter: Okay, so, uh, Jak, because you… you’ve put many skum in prison over your, uh, your years as a city watchman, you don’t… you don’t recognize uh, Loki, at all. Like, not even a little. Loki, you uh, you think, maybe, you might recognize the orc in this pair of watchmen, but you’re not so sure, because, uh, you get drunk? Like, a lot? And you get thrown into jail while drunk a lot? So, you might know him? But you’re not positive.
Tony: Do we lock eyes for a second, or whatever, and when I realize that he doesn’t seem to recognize me, I just kinda ignore that I might recognize him?
Peter: Uh, yeah, sure, that - that’s fine.
Ned: Uh, I’m gonna turn to my pal, and say:
Jak: You want the usual? If you wanna go get us a table, I can order ‘em for us.
Peter: And uh, Jerry agrees, and thanks you, and then heads over to one of the only empty tables in the tavern, which is the one closest to the fireplace against the back wall.
Ned: Jak goes over to the bar, and like, can I lean right between Pentan and Stony, and order from there?
Peter: Yeah, totally. They’re… they’re sitting closer together, with like, a vacant stool in between them, so -
Ned: Great. I do that.
Jak: Hey, ma’am? Could I get two shots of fire whiskey, and a jug of ale? And two cups.
Peter: And the bartender, who is much more attentive to all of the customers sitting at the bar than she has any right to be, says,
Bartender: Yeah, sure, just, one second.
Ned: And I’m gonna, like, glance to my left, at Pentan, see he’s reading his book, decide not to bother him, and then look to my right, at Stony, who I’m assuming is just drinking?
Tony: Yeah, I don’t have… anything. I just got done performing actually, before Pentan came down the stairs, so -
Peter: Ah, dammit.
Tony: What?
Peter: I was hoping you wouldn’t - you wouldn’t say some shit like that, because I really wanted to see you perform.
Tony: Yeah, see I knew that, and that’s why I said it!
Peter: Mhm.
Ned: So, Jak turns to Stony, and, seeing that he doesn’t have any other distraction aside from his drink, says:
Jak: Bar’s pretty full tonight, eh?
Stony: Uh, yeah, I guess - I guess it is. I wouldn’t really know; I don’t… I don’t come here very often.
Jak: Oh, no? Not from Quora?
Stony: Nope! I’m a… I don’t really have a home, my friend! Kinda just a wanderin’ soul.
Pentan: Oh, me too, my dude!
Tony: Oh, God.
Peter: [laughing] Did you forget?!
Tony: I pushed it into the back of my head, yeah.
Pentan: I’ve been traveling since I was old enough to leave home, looking for scholarly insights that not many before me have delved into.
Bruce: And I hold up my copy of Where the Wild Things Are.
[Ned snickering]
Pentan: Like in this book, right here! Very fascinating stuff - really gives you an insight into how the child mind works.
Stony: Why do you need to know how the child mind works? Are you - are you a creeper?
Pentan: N-no?
Jak: Yeah, it sounds pretty shifty to me, bub. I’ll have you know that I’m a member of the Quora city watch, and I will not hesitate to take you in if I have reason to believe you are a threat to the city’s children!
[Peter laughing]
Pentan: I - I’m not! I promise! I just, I like to learn! That’s… why can’t a scholar get a break?
Stony: Well, when the shit you’re studying seems shifty -
Jak: Yeah! What he said! You got it right, pal!
Ned: And Jak, like, punches Stony in the shoulder, but in a friendly way.
Peter: It probably hurts, though.
Ned: Yeah, definitely.
Peter: Uh, thankfully for Pentan, who looks like he might be in serious danger of getting tag-teamed by two, two previous foes, uh, the bartender returns, with a tray of the drinks you ordered, Jak.
Ned: I take it from her, and then I like, look at Pentan with like, distrust in my eyes.
Jak: I’m watchin’ you, mage.
Ned: And then I walk over to join my buddy Jerry at the table he grabbed.
Bruce: I am - is it shameful to admit that I am actually scared, for my life? For Pentan’s life?
Tony: No, you, you should be. We’re dangerous folk, me ‘n’ my pal Jak.
Ned: Who arrested you once upon a time.
Tony: Yeah, well, apparently neither of us remember that, so. Anyway, I’m gonna, uh, hop onto the stool that’s closer to Brucie, to avoid another party coming up between us, and say -
Ned: [interrupting] I immediately return to the bar and am like, “Could I get -” No, no, I’m just kidding. Sorry.
Bruce: God, kid, way to ruin the immersion!
Ned: How immersed can you be?!
Pentan: I’m not, like, a bad dude, I promise.
Stony: Yeah, no, I know. It’s all right, bub. I just didn’t want to disagree with big scary, y’know?
Pentan: Oh, okay. Phew. That’s a relief.
Stony: So, uh, what’s your story, mage?
Pentan: Well, uh, first, my name’s Pentan Runeshield. It’s nice to meet you.
Stony: Oh, yeah, likewise, Robes.
Pentan: I’m from a pretty wealthy family, and so I attended the Academy for several years when I was younger, and they have this thing, at the Academy, where once you learn the basic skills, they send you out on your own into the world, to learn what you can through experience and outside study.
Stony: Sounds pretty nifty!
Pentan: Yeah, it really is! Uh, what about you? Where’re you from… friend?
Peter: [amused] Why’d you hesitate?
Bruce: I wanted to call him bard or something, but Pentan doesn’t know he’s a bard, so -
Peter: Right, right, good catch. Good role playing.
Bruce: Thanks!
Tony: I’m gonna, like, wave my hand for the bartender’s attention, and then like, lift my mug, signifying that I need a refill.
Peter: She brings you a fresh drink.
Tony: I turn back to my new friend.
Stony: Ah, you know. The life of a wandering entertainer is one that’s full of adventures. I could tell you many stories about the people I’ve encountered, the things I’ve had to do, but the most important things are all the lessons I’ve learned, through and through.
Ned: [very upset] Oh no…
Peter: Please don’t tell me you’re gonna speak in rhymes the whole time?
Tony: I’m a bard. What can you do?
Pentan: Did you just - are you speaking in rhymes? Like the Cat in the Hat?
Stony: I don’t - I’m not sure what that is, but if this cat in a hat like to rhyme, then sure, we could probably have a good time. Together.
[Laughter]
Peter: As, uh, as the two of you are talking, uh, a few of the tavern’s patrons clear out, having finished their meals, or drinks, or combination of the two. Uh, it actually clears out, pretty, pretty significantly, leaving behind uh, the three of you, Jak’s buddy, and then a guy who’s sitting by himself at a table in a corner, closer to the front door.
Bruce: I bet this guy’s suspicious looking.
Peter: He actually is. Uh, he’s wearing a cloak, and he has the hood of it pulled up over his head, and down over his eyes. The table’s kind of situated in a way that allows him to lean back against the wall, which is what he’s doing. You get the impression that he might be asleep.
And uh, as the last few extraneous bar patrons leave, a group of five dudes walks in. Uh, they’re all, they all look a little road-worn, like they’ve been traveling for a few days, and have only just now decided to stop somewhere. Uh, there’s a clear hierarchy to their group; there’s one guy at like, the helm of them, and he’s the biggest and toughest looking one. He has an axe hanging off of his belt. To his left and right are dudes who appear to be twins, they look exactly the same. One of them has a sword, and the other is carrying a very heavy looking warhammer in both his hands.
At the back of the group is a fourth guy, and he’s, he’s flipping a knife into the air all casual-like, and then there’s a single woman, and she’s, like, really scary looking. She’s got a huge scar across one eye, and like, half of her head is shaved. And she has two different, uh, crap, what’re those things called? That you put your weapon in?
Ned: Scabbards?
Peter: Yes! Thank you. Yeah, so, she has two scabbards, one hanging off of each side of her belt. And this group of, of hardened riders, they kinda look around the tavern, like, taking everyone in, and then the guy in front goes:
Obvious First Fight 1: [exaggerated Brooklyn accent] A’right, gonna need everyone to clear out. My friends and I are claiming this place as our own for the night.
Ned: Does he not care that there are two city watchmen sitting at one of the tables?
Peter: I guess not.
Ned: Well, then, uh, I’m gonna stand up, and I’m gonna try to intimidate this asshole.
Peter: Just him?
Tony: I think that’d be fine, since he’s like the boss, right? What he says, goes? So if Ned convinces him to get the hell out, then -
Peter: Yeah, all right, that - I guess that makes sense. Go ahead and roll.
Ned: [dice rolling] Uh, it’s a 19.
Peter: Cool, yeah, that beats his uh, constitution check, so he’s definitely a little wary of you. Uh, what do you say to him?
Ned: I think I’m gonna, like, mock his accent, and go:
Jak: [Christopher Lloyd, but with an exaggerated Brooklyn accent] Actually, gonna need you to clear out, because this establishment is open to everyone, and we wouldn’t want to get in the way of that.
Ned: And I’ll like, put my hand on my own axe, which is hanging off my back.
Peter: Okay, uh -
Tony: DM?
Peter: Yes.
Tony: I want to sneak over to their group, and pickpocket the twin that’s closest to where the bar is.
Bruce: [muffled] He’s gonna get killed.
Tony: I want to like, take advantage of the group being distracted by Ned, and steal some shit.
Peter: Okay, so, if you wanna sneak over to them, you’ll need to make a stealth check, and then to steal, you’ll need to roll sleight of hand.
Tony: Got it. I’m gonna steal all of his shit. [dice rolling] The stealth check is a 18 -
Ned: Holy shit.
Tony: - and the sleight of hand is… [dice rolling] also an 18!
Peter: Yeah, okay. Uh, jeez, so you slink over to this group of tough folk, and you casually slide your hand into the twin on the right’s pocket, and you, very easily, uh, pull out a small gold purse, which you then slip into your own pocket, before moving away.
Tony: And now I’m standing… where?
Peter: Uh, actually, you’re close to that table where the man you think is sleeping is seated, and uh, make a perception check?
Tony: … okay? [dice rolling] I only got a nine.
Peter: Yeah, that’s not gonna do it. Okay. Uh, so, the guy in the front, we’re gonna say his name is Bertrand, uh, he’s kinda quaking in his boots, from your display, Jak, and he kind looks to his left and right, at the twins, as though he’s wagering their expressions, and then he turns back to you, kinda clears his throat a little, and goes:
Bertrand: That’s great an’ all, but uh, we’ve been on the road for a few days, now, and we could really use the place.
Jak: I’m sure you could, but that doesn’t remove the fact that this is an open tavern. Just because you walk in and announce that you want it doesn’t mean that you can just take it.
Stony: Gentlemen, gentlemen!
Bruce: Oh God.
Stony: Uh, do we really need to start fighting about this? I mean, this tavern is big enough for all of us, and I’m sure that our lovely bartender over there would not mind helping you folks out with anything you need.
Tony: And I like, look over at the bartender, and like make a face like, “Right ?”
Peter: And she goes,
Bartender: I don’t mind, so long as you don’t destroy anythin’.
Bruce: At this point, I’m gonna stand up, and like, move closer to where the Watch dudes are, because like, I know magic, but I really don’t want to be by myself at the bar if shit goes to hell.
Ned: You’re not gonna stand near the bartender to protect her?
Bruce: Hey, she thinks I smell bad!
Peter: That’s ‘cause you do.
Bruce: Well, she can throw bottles at them, if she needs to. I don’t think they’ll try anything on her.
Peter: Fine. So, Pentan moves away from the bar and closer to the table that Jak and his buddy are occupying. Uh, one of the twins looks at you, as you do so, and he goes,
Twin 1: Stop movin’! I don’t know what you think you’re plannin’ on doin’, but it ain’t gonna end well for ya!
Peter: And his brother, he just kinda nudges him, and says,
Twin 2: Leave ‘im alone, Kel. He ain’t doin’ nothin’.
Kel: Not yet, anyway.
Peter: And -
Ned: What’s the guy at the table doing?
Peter: Hm?
Tony: Yeah, I’m wondering that, too. He’s obviously moving, or something, since I had to roll a perception check, but - has he, like, shifted in any noticeable way while this has been going down?
Peter: No, obviously not, since you had to roll perception just to see if you noticed anything about him!
Bruce: I’m gonna, like, elbow Jak with my arm, and say, like,
Pentan: I don’t like the way these folks look.
Jak: I don’t like the way you look, wizard. Get away from me.
Peter: The guy in the middle, Bertrand, he’s gonna, he’s gonna like, put one of his hands on top of his axe, and say,
Bertrand: Listen fellas, we don’t want any trouble. We’re willing to let everyone leave, without any harm comin’ their way. We only want the tavern to ourselves.
Jak: That’s not very reasonable.
Bertrand: We ain’t known for being reasonable.
Peter: And as he says this, he’s going to pull out his axe, and like, point it towards you, Jak, and say,
Bertrand: Take down the orc and his boy first. The rest of ‘em ain’t a threat.
Peter: And then, faster than like, any of you would have thought, this uh, guy that was sitting at the table in the corner, he whips out a dagger, and he throws it at Bertrand. And… it’s a surprise attack, so he’s going to have advantage…
Tony: Rude of him not to ask us if we wanted to fight.
Bruce: Yeah, really.
Ned: Guys, he’s throwing a knife at the lead dude! He’s a bad ass! He might not even need our help!
Peter: Yikes, I’m glad he has advantage, ‘cause uh, that first roll fuckin’ sucks. His second roll, however, is a 25 -
[Exclamations of shock and awe]
Peter: Yeah, he’s… he’s wild. And he rolls… [dice rolling] 15 points of damage.
Ned: My God!
Peter: So this guy, he, he throws his dagger like it’s a ninja star, and it, it flies across the space between his table and Bertrand, and it’s going to like, land in Bertrand’s, like, the space where his neck meets his shoulder. And, it’s time to roll initiative.