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Peter is sixteen, he knows he’s way cleverer than his classmates and he was bitten by a radioactive spider. But, most importantly (or at least so he believes) he’s the Mememaster: there isn’t a meme or a vine he doesn’t know. This tends to drive Tony crazy, cause he also likes to teach them to FRIDAY so that when Tony is angry and screaming at someone, you can hear the AI saying things like “the tea is exceptionally good today, Sir” in the background. It’s fucking hilarious.
It is therefore not a surprise that, when the AI catches Doctor Strange on her radar after two months without a single visit she hums “guess who’s back, back again?!”. Tony is in the lab and can’t help but sigh.
“FRIDAY would you please mind telling me who it actually is instead of playing these silly games?”
“I’m sorry, Sir. It’s Doctor Stephen Strange.”
Tony is so not ready for this. I-screwed-up-big-time-and-now-he’s-gonna-kill-me not ready.
“STARK!” Ok so he’s got a plan. He’ll go out there and pretend like he doesn’t know what’s going on and it’s not like the Sorcerer is going to bring evidences so it’ll all be fine.
“Stephen what an honor! I can’t believe this place is suddenly worthy of your presence” his chances were higher before coming out and playing the douchebag part so well.
“So, you like to go around saying you’re a fucking genius, but it seems to me like you’re having troubles understanding a simple sentence. Hence, I’m gonna repeat it to you ONCE MORE. You can’t fucking come into my fucking Sanctum and play your stupid games if I catch you one more fucking time shooting those kinds of videos I swear to God I’m gonna beat your ass into the Dark Dimension and I’ll fucking leave you there, you idiot.”
“Woah Mr. Master Dr. Strange, language.” Both the men turn their heads and see the Spider-Boy hanging from the ceiling.
“What on Earth are you doing there, Peter? And FRIDAY didn’t you think it could be a good idea to let me know there was someone in my house?”
“Actually, Sir, the Compound is also Mr. Parker’s home since he’s become an Avenger? But if you want I’ll make sure to keep you updated on the boy’s movements.” The man just shakes his head in non-belief.
“Anyway, Stephen I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“It’s gonna be awkward, but I can show you the video and refresh your memories if it’s necessary.”
The Supreme Sorcerer moves his hands and suddenly Tony in the library of the Sanctum is projected onto the wall. Peter can’t help thinking that it looks like an awful porn straight out of the 70s (not that he knows anything about it. He doesn’t watch porn. Karen would tell FRIDAY and FRIDAY would tell Tony and it would be the most embarrassing thing ever) Tony is sitting and chewing on a pencil, like a modern Britney Spears, his gaze unfocused and all of a sudden Loki makes his appearance and asks Tony whether he has studied and Tony blushes.
“Also, could you please tell me why you thought it’d be a good idea to bring Loki into my Sanctum? It should be a safe place, you know this, right?”
“Technically Loki is an Avenger now, so it wasn’t really a menace…”
“OK BUT WHAT WERE YOU ABOUT TO DO? JESUS CHRIST IT’S WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS!”
“People are gay, Stephen” Peter blurts out and all of a sudden, a portal opens on the ceiling and he falls right into it. Tony won’t accept this behavior. That’s his kid, for fuck’s sake, he can’t just throw him into another dimension!
“He’ll be alright” Stephen says, “for real though… why are you doing this? I mean I know you’re into men and God only knows what Loki can make you think. But why do you have to do these things into my Sanctum? C’mon man!”
“You know… it’s nice, cozy. The lighting’s real good. Lots of places for him to –“
“Stop right there. I’m not gonna let you do this anymore. Was this clear enough?”
“Yes, Sir.” Stephen liked that. Not like he’s gonna admit it or anything… “Can we keep on doing that if we let you join us?” Tony asks that with a smirk, half-jokingly.
“OH, THANK GOD I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK” and Tony could swear he’s never been more excited in his life. He’s getting everything he’s been lusting for for the past year. It’s like Christmas, but with lots of sex: it’s so much better than Christmas!
***
A couple of days later, he’s in his lab, working on an update for Peter’s suit. Now that he thinks about it, he hasn’t heard from the boy in two days and this is… STRANGE.
“THAT MOTHERFUCKER FORGOT TO BRING MY KID BACK. FRIDAY, make sure he teleports here now, if he doesn’t want me to blast his ass.”
“Yes Sir.”
As soon as Stephen sees Tony’s number on the phone, he knows he’s done something wrong. And suddenly, he remembers. The Spiderling is still trapped.
“OH MY GOD OH MY FUCKING GOD TONY I AM SO SORRY” he shouts while opening the portal.
“Well hello there” Peter screams falling from the ceiling.
And Tony just knows. He had a shitty family. But know he has this dysfunctional one: he has a kid he cares too much about, a Demigod who secretly has self esteem issues and demands to be the little spoon, a Sorcerer who’s always angry and HE CAN MOVE HIS HAIR WITH MAGIC LIKE HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?!
It definitely doesn’t look like a traditional family, but it’s his bunch of idiots, and he wouldn’t trade them with anything.