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TJ finally had a group of people he could call his friends. It was all thanks to Cyrus, of course, so he regarded the boy closer than anyone else in the group. Nevertheless, he still enjoyed the company of everyone else around him. Buffy would still get on his nerves occasionally, but they quarrelled more like siblings than anything else. Things were great at the end of the year, he was happy to have a group of people by the time the new school year came around.
There were a few things, however, that shook up their dynamic when school resumed that fall. Some were of absolutely no interest to TJ, such as Jonah getting new Space Otters jerseys and Andi’s parent’s getting engaged. One was predictable, Buffy announcing her relationship with Marty was officially boyfriend/girlfriend status. But the last announcement that morning was definitely something TJ could never have prepared himself for. Perhaps he was shocked by the pacing of it all, or that his friend hadn’t felt the need to confide in him, but to say he was surprised would have been the understatement of the year. Because that morning, Cyrus Goodman announced that he was gay.
Buffy and Andi were grinning at him, obviously in the know. Jonah looked a little confused, as if he had never heard the word before. Marty said, “Alright, man,” in response and gave him five. But TJ? He just stared at him, his brain working overtime. Why hadn’t he told him first? Why was that something he cared about so much? He looked to Cyrus who was smiling at all his friends, hyped up over revealing his secret.
“But wait!” Cyrus continued, wiggling on the bench. “I have one more tiny announcement.” Everyone looked interested now, even Buffy and Andi. Was it related to the previous announcement? “I have a boyfriend,” Cyrus blurted. Yep, definitely related.
“What?” Buffy quite literally yelled. “How could you have kept this from me?”
“From us!” Andi added.
Cyrus shrugged. “It was kind of nice, keeping it a secret for a while.”
“You have to tell us everything,” said Buffy, scooting closer to him. TJ didn’t want to hear anything. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t need to know anything, let alone everything.
“All in due time, my dear Buffy,” Cyrus responded smugly, wiggling his eyebrows.
By some kind of miracle, the bell rang at that moment. TJ pulled his backpack on as fast as he could and left without saying a word, attempting to bury his thoughts in his upcoming classes. So Cyrus was gay. That’s fine, he knew gay people. Well, he didn’t know gay people, but he knew of gay people. He had absolutely no problem with it at all, at least he didn’t think he did.
He ended up having to stay back in his math class over lunch, explaining his disability and making a plan with his new teacher. He was somewhat grateful for the distraction. By the time the end of the day rolled around, he had completely forgotten about that morning’s events.
As he was making his way out of the building, Cyrus caught his arm. “Hey!” TJ turned around, a smile forming on his face in response to seeing the boy.
“Underdog! How’s it going?”
“Great! I was just wondering if we were okay?” He looked a little nervous.
TJ frowned in confusion. “Why wouldn’t we be?” He asked.
“You just kind of left this morning without saying anything. I thought I made you uncomfortable or something.” He was fidgeting with his backpack. Suddenly, TJ remembered the morning and all of his thoughts he couldn’t grasp.
“Of course not. You’re still you, nothing’s changed.” Cyrus looked like he was going to say something, but he stayed silent. “I was just distracted thinking about classes and all that,” TJ lied.
“Okay,” he sounded slightly off-put. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” TJ watched the boy walk off in the opposite direction for maybe a bit longer than he should have. Why was he worried this morning? What had he been overthinking? It was Cyrus. He loved hanging out with Cyrus and talking to Cyrus and joking around with him. Nothing was different.
And nothing was different. For two weeks, that is.
They were sitting outside in the morning like usual, except Cyrus wasn’t there yet. It wasn’t like him to arrive at school this close to the bell, so the group had assumed he wouldn’t be there that day. TJ went to his first few periods and then made his way back to their space at lunch time. On his way to the table, he crashed into Buffy, almost dropping his tray. Cyrus was standing there, his hand locked between someone else’s.
“What are you doing?” Buffy hissed at him, trying not to bring attention away from Cyrus, who was locked in conversation with Andi and the boy that was attached to him.
“Who’s that?” TJ asked instead of answering her question.
“Who,” Buffy said, as if it wasn’t obvious who he was talking about, “Dylan? Cyrus’ boyfriend, remember?” No TJ did not remember. Unfortunately, Cyrus caught their attention at that moment.
“Hey!” He moved toward them, his fingers still interlocked. When Cyrus got within 10 feet of them, TJ bolted the other way.
He was sweating by the time he made his way to the locker room, not out of exhaustion but by some other force he wasn’t sure of. His chest felt heavy and he slumped against a locker and down onto the ground. Why had he bolted? Why was he freaking out? He had a bug or something, that had to be the explanation. He was just feeling sick.
It took him the rest of the lunch period to straighten himself out. Cyrus holding hands with some guy wasn’t supposed to make him panic. It was normal. It was 2018.
The next morning he was able to write off his mad dash as illness to the group. They all took it as an acceptable excuse, except for Buffy. She side-eyed him while he was explaining but didn’t attempt to call him out. He wasn’t even sure what he would say if he was called out. He had no reasonable explanation.
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In the weeks that followed, TJ managed to come up with an excuse every time that other boy was around. He had math tutoring or extra basketball practise, or he forgot he had a group project to work on. He didn’t know why he did it, he just felt uncomfortable anytime he saw Cyrus with him. It was a bad feeling of discomfort, the feeling that made him want to fight. Was he homophobic?
Throughout all the avoidance, TJ realised something else changed with his relationships: He wasn’t fighting with Buffy any more. He didn’t resent her like he used to, not even a bit. He had no explanation for it, nor did he attempt to find one.
He thought he was doing reasonably well in maintaining his friendship with Cyrus, while avoiding him every few days or so. Unfortunately, he found himself in a situation that was unavoidable.
Buffy, Cyrus, and TJ were hanging out at The Spoon after TJ’s shift at the Gym. He had an hour to kill before he could get picked up and Cyrus and Buffy lived close enough that they agreed to come out and keep him company.
They were a quarter of the way through their milkshakes when the door chimed, signalling a new customer. Cyrus pulled himself away from the table and stood up, causing TJ to look at the new arrival. It was that guy. He didn’t remember his name and TJ wasn’t about to refer to him as Cyrus’, well, anything. It felt weird to even think it. It felt wrong.
Cyrus invited him over to the table and he sat down. Next to Cyrus. TJ gritted his teeth against his straw and looked down at his phone. 35 minutes. He listened to the three of them gabber and became more furious by the minute. He wasn’t even listening to the full conversation, he just couldn’t stand this guy’s voice. He texted his mom again, asking if she could get off work early. No response.
Out of the corner of his eye he noticed a movement and couldn’t help but track it. He immediately regretted it when he noticed what was going on. Cyrus’ hand had left his personal space and was now resting on the other boy’s leg.
TJ threw his chair back, causing the legs to scrape against the floor in an awful screech. He turned to look at the boy. “You are the most annoying person I have ever met,” he snapped. He grabbed his bag in a panic and bolted out of The Spoon.
He stopped just outside the door and dropped himself down onto the sidewalk. He wanted to punch something, hard. He opted for picking up a rock near him and chucking it down the street. The rock thumped on the road and the chime of The Spoon door followed.
“What is your problem, TJ?” It was the first time TJ had ever heard Cyrus’ voice mad. He stayed silent, wishing he still had a rock to throw. “Do you have a problem with me dating a guy?”
“No,” TJ snapped, almost instinctively.
“What is it then? We were having a good time until Dylan came in.” TJ clenched his fist at the mention of the name. “Then all of a sudden you’re refusing to speak, glaring at the floor, glaring at me, freaking out. You obviously have some kind of issue with this.”
“I don’t.” Silence. “I’ve just had a bad day at work, alright? I shouldn’t have taken it out on him like that. I don’t care who you like, boys, girls, whatever.” He said it, but he wasn’t really sure he meant it for some reason.
“Fine,” Cyrus replied. TJ didn’t have to look back to know Cyrus had gone inside, he heard the bells, but he did anyway.
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Sunday, Cyrus was supposed to meet Buffy and him at the local court to referee a one-on-one, but he didn’t show. The two of them spent twenty minutes waiting, shooting hoops, before realising he wasn’t coming. Buffy finally took this as an opportunity to speak up.
“What happened between you guys the other night?” TJ sighed. He really didn’t want to get into it but it seemed unavoidable. He needed someone to rationalise what he was feeling.
He explained to Buffy how he likes being around Cyrus and truly enjoys his company, but the idea of him being with someone else makes him feel sick and angry.
“I don’t think I’m homophobic,” he said. “I don’t have a problem with people being gay it’s just Cyrus. Is that possible?” Buffy looked at him like he was the dumbest person alive. “No?”
“No, idiot.” She paused for a second. “Why don’t we fight anymore?” The question was so out of left field TJ wasn’t sure what to say. “You never snark at me anymore or fight back, you rarely make fun of me and, if you do, it makes sense.”
“I dunno, Cyrus wanted us to get along, I’m being nice.”
“No,” Buffy said. “The end of last year we still argued all the time. You still questioned everything I said.”
“Maybe I grew up over the summer,” TJ offered.
“I think you’re jealous.” TJ laughed. “Not of me! Of Cyrus. Of Cyrus’ relationships.”
“Jealous of him? I don’t think so. I mean, I could get a girlfriend if I wanted to, easy,” TJ said.
“No, you oblivious walnut,” she pushed the ball into TJ’s chest, hard. “I think you have a crush on Cyrus.” TJ let the ball fall to the ground.
“What?” He said aloud. She motioned to the bench on the far side of the court. TJ scooped up the ball and followed her over.
“You like Cyrus but you hate seeing him with someone? You have absolutely no problem with people being gay but Cyrus in a gay relationship makes you want to punch a wall? You saw Cyrus touch someone and you literally freaked out.”
“I mean, that doesn’t prove anything. Maybe I’m just protective of him,” TJ argued.
“You hated me until you found out Cyrus was gay,” Buffy stated.
“Irrelevant.”
“You hated me because of how close Cyrus and I were. We were always touching, holding hands, carrying each other, leaning on each other.” TJ wanted to retaliate but, was it true? He didn’t have an explanation. “You’re jealous because you want to be doing those things with Cyrus,” she concluded.
It was like everything clicked together in TJ’s brain.
“I have a crush on Cyrus,” TJ muttered to himself. “How is that even possible?
“Do you want to talk about it?” Buffy offered. TJ shook his head and pushed himself off the bench.
“I need time to think for myself. Let’s shoot some hoops.”
TJ spent the next week to himself for the most part. He wasn’t sure he was ready to face Cyrus after everything he had discovered, and he was pretty sure Cyrus wasn’t ready to deal with him yet either. He hadn’t left things in a good place and the fact that Cyrus hadn’t reached out to him yet spoke for itself.
He decided to take the step after school on Friday, that way they both had the weekend to deal with the conversation.
He had planned it out, he was going to apologise and ease his way into explaining why he had been acting so weird. He was going to talk about his discussion with Buffy and his revelation, but all that went out the window the moment he saw him face-to-face.
Cyrus didn’t try to run or even act disinterested, he just stared at TJ with a sad smile on his face, hopeful that this wasn’t the end. TJ hoped so too, but he couldn’t see how this was going to end.
Surprisingly, Cyrus was the first one to speak. “TJ I have to—”
“—I was an asshole because I was jealous,” TJ interrupted. Cyrus blinked at him in shock, then he laughed.
“You don’t have to be jealous. There are tons of girls that like you!” TJ sighed and shook his head, he was just as oblivious.
“I’m not jealous you’re in a relationship, I’m jealous I’m not the one in it.” TJ took a deep breath, “I like you in a, uh, gay way?”
“You,” Cyrus stated, “Like me.” TJ gave a stiff nod in response and shifted his weight. “I can’t believe this! All of this time and I thought you were just another oblivious straight guy,” he sighed. “I worked hard to get over you.” TJ was stunned. What? “You’ve been gay this whole time?”
“I couldn’t really figure it out,” TJ admitted. “I thought I was just being homophobic, but I guess that feeling was jealousy?”
Cyrus laughed. “I never expected you to be the jealous type.”
“Well I didn’t think I got that emotion,” TJ joked. Cyrus laughed and smiled at him. “I’m sorry I made things awkward for so long, but at least you know I didn’t mean it?” Cyrus nodded. “And I’ll, uh, try to get over the whole jealousy thing. I’m sure whats-his-name is pretty cool.”
Cyrus cleared his throat, “About that. We kind of got into a fight after you left The Spoon. He knew I was getting over someone when we met and he kind of figured out it was you. He didn’t want me hanging out with you if I obviously still had lingering feelings and I, well, ended things I guess? I was starting to think it was the worst mistake of my life,” Cyrus admitted.
“But now?” TJ asked.
“It was definitely the right choice,” he affirmed. “So where do we go from here?”
TJ shrugged. “We could go to The Spoon?”
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A week later, they had decided they were going to tell the group what had happened, including TJ’s revelation and all. Of course, word had gotten around about TJ’s freak-outs and the group was very confused.
“So you’re not homophobic?” Andi clarified.
“Nope,” TJ assured, interlocking his fingers with Cyrus'. “Turns out I don’t have any problem with Cyrus dating guys if it’s me he’s dating.”