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Daisy wanted it all to stop.
The vibrations in her bones.
The voices in her head.
His voice.
“Its voice,” she corrected herself, her voice hoarse. “Hive is an it. And dead."
Dead like Lincoln, Ward’s smug voice sounded. All because of you, Skye.
“My name is Daisy!” she shouted, to no one in particular.
She was alone in her bunk, the sound of her crying her only companion, and the wetness rolling down her cheeks the only physical touch she could allow.
Why couldn’t she just die?
Because you don’t deserve it, Ward's voice was mocking, and if Daisy could find a way to enter her brain and pull out whatever part of her guilty conscious was manifesting him, she would.
Don’t you want me shadowing your every move? Ward sounded offended. It’ll be like old times, Skye. Except I’m following you around now.
“Shut up !” Daisy screamed wildly, pulling at her hair and raking her nails on her face. “Stay away!" She balled her fist and punched the first thing she could, the wall that was no match for the quakes imbued in the blow.
“What is happening?” May burst into the room. The door had been locked, but there wasn’t anything that would keep her from getting to Daisy. She froze when she saw the destroyed wall and the welts on Daisy's face. "Are you okay?" she continued softly.
A solitary wail was the only response, and May’s usual neutral façade cracked. That sound of desolation was familiar; it reminded her of Bahrain and Katya.
“He won’t leave me alone,” Daisy sobbed. “He’s in my head. In my dreams. I can’t escape.”
May clenched her fists wishing there she could pummel the demons away from Daisy. But that wasn’t her fight.
“I’m here,” she said quietly. “And I’m not leaving you.” She opened her hands to reach out and touch Daisy, but then closed them again. “I’ve been where you are,” May walked closer but remained a hairsbreadth away from touching her protégé. “And I’ll be right here with you.”
Daisy hugged herself, and nodded, her hot tears burning her skin.
Months later, SHIELD HQ
“I remember when I called you two the ‘nerd herd’,” Daisy deadpanned, waving to Fitz and Jemma. “But I need to change it to the 'turtle herd' for the three of you.” She grinned when Mack scowled.
They were at breakfast in the newly rebuilt Playground, the one meal they shared as a group before going their separate directions for the day.
“Just because Elena and I are taking our time,” Mack began, putting his fork down.
“There’s been one crisis after another,” Fitz chimed in over a mouthful of waffle.
“Me and Lincoln were taking our time too,” Daisy took a sip of coffee. Her therapist had challenged her to bring up Lincoln's name outside of his death. “Well, he was anyways." A smile played on her lips. "He was such a goody two shoes.”
Silence descended on the table as three pairs of eyes stared at Daisy, they’d all been tiptoeing around Lincoln’s death. Mack was the first to speak.
“I can see that,” he nodded, picking up a forkful of eggs.
“Daisy probably corrupted the poor boy,” Fitz said, picking up Mack's body language.
“Maybe Daisy is right,” Jemma spoke up for the first time, her eyes misting. “Maybe we shouldn’t take time for granted.” She nodded when Daisy smiled at her, they were sisters in pain. She turned to Fitz and smirked. “We should visit the Seychelles sooner rather than later. You never know when the world can crack apart.”
Daisy snorted. “If that happens, it better be nowhere around us.” She dug into her pancakes with a frown. If she was making progress with her grief as her therapist said, why were her hands trembling and her heart racing? No one noticed when she moved a tiny lighter from her SHIELD backpack into her jacket pocket.
“Okay, gotta go,” Daisy scraped her chair back and bid everyone goodbye, not noticing that a few tables away, Melinda May was inspecting her with an eagle eye.
Scoring weed was easy, her supplier was a middle-aged dad, who grew marijuana in his backyard to pay bills. Finding the time to light up, not so much. She couldn't smoke at night, that's when she took her cocktail of meds, but right after breakfast, after she'd already done her morning training, was the best.
Her favorite place to smoke was in Lincoln’s old bunk, perched on the window sill. The room was unused, and she’d disabled all cameras that would show her going in. Today, she removed a loose brick, and pulled out a joint she stashed from the last time, and then dug in her jacket for her lighter. It was a Zippo collectible, bright red with the Wisconsin Badgers logo. She didn’t care for football, sure as not the Badgers, but it made her think of Cal.
Would her father be disappointed she smoked weed?
“Maybe if I added peppermint to it,” she snorted, flicking the lighter once, then twice. She brought the tip of the marijuana joint to the emerging flame, puffing in to get it lit then blowing out smoke. She settled in the window sill, and laying her head back, she watched the clouds drift by, looking for a sign from Lincoln in one of them. She savored the joint, then jumped back in the room, and flopped on the bunk bed, remembering the first time she and Lincoln made love.
“We didn’t even notice the door was open,” Daisy giggled, completely stoned. “Lincoln, you exhibitionist!”
A dramatic thought struck her.
Did Agent May know to keep her door closed if she and Coulson were doing it?
“Oh no!” Daisy’s eyes widened, bolting upright. “I have to warn her!” She pulled out a SHIELD odor neutralizer she’d taken from the supply office and sprayed the room, and herself so she didn’t smell like smoke, then hurried to May's room.
May had just finished a phone call telling Mace that someone else needed to facilitate her training class when Daisy burst in the room.
“May, I’m so glad you’re here!” Daisy pounced on her in a bear hug, squeezing her tightly. “I had to warn you!”
“What’s going on?” May asked sharply. There was a lingering scent of smoke in Daisy’s hair, along with the too fresh fragrance on her clothes, like she’d just sprayed a deodorizer. Her eyes narrowed, remembering the lighter she saw Daisy put in her jacket earlier, Daisy’s odd disappearances during the day over the past few weeks, and the increased snacking.
“If you and AC are doing it,” Daisy whispered theatrically, her pupils dilated, and her eyes slightly red. “Make sure you close the door. Close the door, May. So no one sees.”
May pursed her lips to hold in a laugh. “Close the door. Roger that.”
Daisy grinned, her duty done, and was moving away when May pulled her back.
“Maybe you should stay here for a bit,” May offered. “Till you, ah, get back to normal.”
“I am perfectly fine,” Daisy placed her hand above her heart. “But I can stay a bit." She tried to sit on May's bunk, but missed it by a few inches and tumbled onto the floor.
“Perfectly fine, hmm?” May snorted, as she stepped over a sprawled Daisy to go shut the door. If Daisy was grown enough to get high, she was grown enough to pick herself off the floor.
After that morning, Daisy sought out May more when she was high.
“You probably know I’m smoking, huh?” Daisy asked one morning, ashamed.
May rolled her eyes, as she prepared herbal tea for them both. How stupid did Daisy think she was?
“You know, weed is just a harmless herb,” Daisy said. “Just like your green tea. Smoking aside, it’s probably better than alcohol.”
"Smoking aside,” May nodded and took a tiny sip of tea. By the time the morning ended, May had heard an earful of the prison industrial complex and government conspiracies.
“Lincoln would probably flip out if he knew I was smoking,” Daisy said. She rambled when she was stoned. “Cal too. You think Jiaying would care?”
“She would,” May said, solemnly. “She wouldn’t want you destroying your health.
Daisy squinted. “But she tried to kill me.”
May didn’t have an answer for that.
“Does your therapist know you’re smoking?” May asked.
“Yep!” Daisy said proudly. “I fessed up after the first time I came here. I figured you'd rat me out.”
“And he’s okay with it?” May was honestly shocked.
“Wrote me a medical marijuana prescription and everything.”
It was late, and May was preparing for bed when a hesitant knock sounded. Frowning, she cracked the door. “Daisy?” she swung it open. “Are you okay?”
Daisy shook her head. She was hugging an oversized pillow, and in pajamas with the Avengers logo on them. The closest she’d ever get to Thor, she’d said when she'd bought them.
“I have a big favor to ask,” Daisy shuffled on her feet. “I don’t wanna smoke alone. But I know you don’t want smoke in your room. And you’re probably going to bed. I should go-”
“Why did you come if you knew that?” May folded her arms, wanting to hear the reason.
“I don’t wanna be alone,” Daisy’s voice cracked. “I’m so alone.”
May softened. Sometimes it was more important to meet people where they are than where you think they should be. Even if they were getting high and smoking weed.
“Let me open the window,” May said. “You’re lucky it’s still Fall and not too cold outside.”
Daisy lit up, and sat on the window sill, looking up at the stars in the sky. Lincoln was up there, somewhere, along with her hopes and dreams of being normal. A soft touch interrupted her musings. Apparently, she was crying, and May handed her a napkin, along with such a bottle of water.
“Look at you, the cool mom,” Daisy teased. “Bringing stuff for your bad kid who doesn't deserve it.” She placed the water down with shaking hands, before taking another pull.
May opened, then closed her mouth, unsure how to phrase what she was feeling.
“You can say it,” Daisy blew out smoke. “This is an unhealthy coping habit. I should know better. I’m gonna get lung cancer-" Daisy’s eyes watered with tears, and she blinked them away.
“You can come to me anytime, not just when things are good,” May said, gently. “I’m always here.”
Daisy jumped off the window sill, and with a choked sob, hugged May tightly. Coils of fear and dread unwound, that May thought less of her. She ground out the joint and they ended up sitting on the carpeted floor, next to the window and Daisy laid her head in May’s lap. At first, she was worried she’d be too heavy since May had such a slight frame, but May assured her it would be okay.
“Just lean on me,” May murmured.
“I hear his voice,” Daisy sniffled, settling herself.
“Lincoln’s?” May smoothed Daisy’s hair. The ends were split, she needed a trim.
“No. Hive.”
May’s hands stilled. “How long have you been hearing him?”
Daisy snuggled on May. She was surprisingly comfy. “Since he took over my mind."
"If I could take it away, I could," May carded her hands in Daisy's hair like she was a child. "You don't deserve this."
"He says I don't deserve to die," Daisy's eyes drifted closed. "He says you guys don't love me. You only felt sorry for me. That he was my true family."
"Come here whenever you want to smoke," May started braiding Daisy's hair. "That voice is wrong. We love you. And we are your family."
"You promise?" Daisy's voice cracked.
"Promise," May murmured, as she watched the younger agent fall asleep. She wasn't a mom, had no experience with being pregnant, or childbirth, or the milestones along the way. But at this moment, she knew Daisy was her daughter in spirit, and she would take care of her.
And that was the first of many nights where Daisy sought out May when she wanted to smoke, or vent or talk. She wasn't healed overnight, but it was okay because she had her mother figure along the way.