Chapter Text
"You're awake awfully late."
Laslow nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of his husband's voice shattering the silence. He rubbed his eyes before meeting the gaze of the man leaning against the doorframe behind him.
"I could say the same to you," Laslow said, clearing his throat.
Niles shook his head. "A...dream woke me up, and you weren't in bed. I just came to make sure nothing had happened."
Laslow's expression fell, his eyes widening sharply. "I'm so sorry, Niles, I...I didn't mean to leave you like that, I…"
"Hey." Niles's arms were folded, but his look held no sternness. "It's not as if you've broken your wedding vows by taking some time to be by yourself. Of course I was worried when I woke up alone. But I was worried for you."
"I still feel terrible."
"I survived two decades without you beside me in bed. One night won't do me in so easily." He paused. "Really, though, are you alright?"
A spot of dust on the floor a few inches from Niles's boot suddenly became terribly fascinating to Laslow, holding his gaze and refusing to let go. "It's...difficult to explain." He crossed his legs and then uncrossed them. "Niles, do you remember when I told you there were things I wanted to tell you about someday, but couldn't?"
"Of course."
"I think…" Laslow looked uneasily out the window again. "I think I want to tell you about it now. Some of it, anyway."
The sound of boots on stone resonated through the room as Niles took a few steps forward before kneeling in front of Laslow. He offered his hand, which Laslow squeezed with a lopsided smile. "Tell me all you need to. You know as well as I do that the past is a burden that's hard to bear alone, Laslow."
He grimaced at that. "Too right. Perhaps I should start, with, ah...this. I'm sure you'd guessed already, but Laslow isn't...my real name." He took in a deep breath and looked directly into Niles's eye, his chin up as much as he could muster. "It's Inigo."
"Inigo," Niles murmured. He savored the taste of it on his tongue like hard candy.
"Yes," he breathed, and the weight came tumbling down from Laslow's shoulders. He shivered. Only now, when he couldn't tear his gaze away, did he notice that the clasp on Niles's cloak was barely hanging on, and the fabric hung unevenly off his shoulders. His boots were crumpled at the knees, not pulled up taut like always. His silvery hair was disheveled from fitful sleep. The moonlight always shone so wonderfully in that hair.
Then and there, Niles was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen.
Tears welled in the corners of Laslow's eyes.
"You've had to be someone else for a long time, my love."
A choked sob grabbed Laslow by the chest, making him double over. His grip on Niles's hand tightened, and Niles squeezed his fingers in return.
"I left behind everything I knew, and Inigo had to die for me to do it." Laslow balled his free hand into a fist. "It hurts, Niles. I don't hate Laslow, but I...Ugh. How miserable it is to grieve oneself."
"A whole homeland to mourn, and you cry for the amazing man sitting before me." Niles smiled up at him. "You find new ways to surprise me every day."
"Pathetic, aren't I?"
Niles scoffed at that. "Hush. When a part of us is ripped away like that, there is always a wound left behind. There are always scars." He reached up to cup Laslow's face in his free hand, running his thumb over a tear-stained cheekbone. Laslow hiccuped, trying and utterly failing to blink back the next wave of tears. "What was Inigo like?"
Despite himself, a laugh caught in Laslow's throat. "Young. Stupid. He never knew what he was doing, and he hardly cared. I was – he was flirtatious to a fault. Oh, that Xander had known little Inigo. He'd be grateful to have Laslow today." A shaky sigh left him. "But...Inigo was so happy. Despite everything he suffered, he never betrayed pessimism. He was so good at hiding it away."
"Would you hide your heart away now?" Niles prodded, still caressing Laslow's cheek.
"I...no. Knowing vulnerability, I don't know that I could ever go back. No matter how much I'd like to be strong for everyone. The best I can do is try to uplift myself and others as sincerely as I can, nothing more."
"It sounds like you don't think much of Inigo, really."
Laslow leaned his face into Niles's hand at that. "It's strange. I miss Inigo dearly, more than I can ever tell, but I can't...I don't think I could ever go back to being that person. Not truly."
"Then the truth is, Inigo would be dead today whether you'd come here or not," Niles said. He tilted his head to the side, shining eye coaxing Laslow into looking at him once more. "We're always killing the people we used to be, slowly and agonizingly, bit by bit. Twenty years from now, the you and I that we know today will be long dead. We grow. We are reborn, again and again, one piece at a time. You at least had the decency to do little Inigo in with one blow."
Laslow laughed, a bitter note to it. "It was a mercy killing, then?"
Niles laced their fingers together. "Perhaps I'm too biased to say for sure, as I am terribly in love with Laslow, but I think it was for the best."
The smile that stretched across Laslow's face melted Niles's heart.
Niles tugged on Laslow's hand. "Come on. Let's find somewhere a bit less secluded. I'd rather not kneel on this floor any longer, if I can help it."
"That may be the first and last time you'll ever say that," Laslow giggled, rising to his feet and wiping half-dried tears from his cheeks.
Niles rolled his eye but made no effort to hide the grin that tugged at the corners of his mouth.
"Are you sure we shouldn't just go back to bed? It's rather late…" Laslow gestured towards the window, where the faintest strokes of purple had begun to mingle with night's stark black.
"Nonsense. We could both use the fresh air. Follow me." He turned quickly and yanked the cuffs of his boots up to their usual height.
"Niles, wait a moment." Laslow hesitated. "You were really here for me tonight, and I never even bothered to make sure you're okay. What was your nightmare about?"
Niles's body stiffened at the question, then relaxed one muscle at a time before turning to give Laslow an easy smile. "I'm alright now. It was simply about...a different Niles. One I grieve the way you grieve Inigo."
"You've died quite a few times in your life." It wasn't a question.
The archer nodded grimly. "Well, only a small handful of times, but maybe that is more than normal. But…" He paused, adjusting his cloak. "Lately I've felt that for the first time in my life, I like the Niles I am today. Of course, I miss the things that were burned away time and again in the proverbial phoenix's flames, but even more than that, I...I'm happy. I'm happy where I am right now. And that's something that no Niles before this one ever got to have."
Laslow was silent for a moment. "But still, you can't help but miss them all. Or at least want better for them."
Eye squeezing shut, Niles turned away again, but not before Laslow could see a tear roll down past his cheekbone.
"But just think how proud they would be of you. That's all we can really do when we see how we've grown. It's sad to leave our past selves behind, but isn't that all the more cause for celebration as our current selves?" Laslow put a hand on Niles's shoulder. "Revel in the happiness that this Niles finally got. You deserve that and so much more. Every Niles from years in the past deserves to see you full of joy now."
Niles reached across his chest and touched Laslow's hand with his own, taking a moment to breathe. "Let's dance in the courtyard."
"At this hour?"
Niles laughed, warm and full. "Come on, Inigo. What say you and I go raise the dead?"
Laslow couldn't help but smile at that.