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Eddie has known he’s gay since the very first day of first grade when a boy on the playground kissed Eddie’s knee after he fell and scraped it. His mother had done the same thing a thousand times, the gesture wasn’t unfamiliar, but this time it felt different. And though he wouldn’t be able to place those feelings for another few years, it was the start of his discovery.
Eddie has also known that the world is homophobic for almost as long as he’s known he was part of the reason for that hatred. It started with his mother but didn’t end there. When they’d visit his aunts at Christmas he’d hear stories of the dirty neighborhood boy. When he’d entered middle school, he’d seen other kids getting beaten up for being too feminine. When he discovered the internet, for all the glories it held, it was also a cesspool of hatred.
For all those reasons and more, Eddie is now turning 18, getting ready to cross the stage and say goodbye to high school, and has still not come out to anybody.
He had found himself an incredible group of friends who he knows would accept him without a second thought, but the fear festering inside him wraps around that security and suffocates it every time he tries to say something. Today though, today there was no chickening out.
The group was gathered in Bill’s backyard, splayed across a few giant blankets they had carried outside. The sun was warm on their skin and there was distant music being carried in the wind from a nearby house.
He looked down at Beverly, bright red hair fanning out across Eddie’s lap where she’d tucked her head, freckles crinkling around her warm smile. She’d surely accept him, right? She was a firecracker, quick to defend anyone in need, unapologetic about being a force of nature. She was a strong defender of the underdog, Eddie just hoped she’d be willing to fight for him too.
A blanket away sat Mike and Stan, curled over a comic book they were reading together. Eddie knows the adversities they’ve faced for their race and religion, things they never got an opportunity to hide. They didn’t get a choice over whether or not to be visible, adversity was sewn into their lives from birth. He doesn’t doubt that shaped them to be as kind and gentle as they are.
But Eddie’s gut curls at the fear that Stan’s religion may impact the way he views Eddie. He wonders if Mike growing up on the farm, isolated with no one but his traditional family, will have an affect.
His eyes move on, begging his mind to find solace again. They land on Bill, his oldest friend, his closest confidant. Eddie thinks of all the times they consoled each other throughout the years, remembers the soft lull of Bill’s stuttered words when Eddie was at his worst. He wants to believe that this would be no different. That if Eddie uttered those two words, broke down around them, Bill would be there to pick him up.
But what if he wasn’t. What if he feels disgust at the thought of Eddie being gay all these years. Sharing beds at sleepovers, giving one another piggy back rides at the quarry, going swimming in their boxers. Although Eddie never felt anything but familial love for Bill, he’s not sure Bill will see it that way.
Ben. Kind, compassionate, patient Ben. The biggest heart he’d ever met encased in one body. The boy radiates love and acceptance in everything he does, every conversation, every gesture. There is no reason for him not to accept Eddie after this. Unless Eddie is the exception. What if Eddie is the exception…
Finally, Trashmouth Tozier. Eddie would never admit it, not even to himself, but his courage to come out wouldn’t have happened without Richie. Richie, who kisses his cheek, plays with his fingers, and cuddles him when they watch movies. Richie, who hits on his friends on a near daily basis and created the nickname “Eddie my love”. Richie, who reinvented the way Eddie viewed sexuality. Richie, who made it okay to be affectionate, to be vulnerable, to be soft. Richie… who taught Eddie that it was okay for him to be gay without him even knowing.
Richie, who he is the most afraid of losing.
Suddenly Eddie was standing up before his brain and his limbs could coordinate. He accidentally jostled Beverly off his lap a bit roughly, causing an irritated ‘hey!’
“Does anyone want lemonade?” Eddie blurted.
“I don’t even k-know if we h-h-have lemonade.” Bill mentioned, the sound barely making it through the heartbeat thrumming in Eddie’s ears.
“That’s okay, I’ll go check!” Eddie began towards the backdoor, hearing the chatter start back up behind him. When he reached the sliding glass doors he stopped, watching the reflection of his friends as they laughed loudly at a joke he’d missed.
Now, Eddie. Do it now.
Taking in as much air as he could, he spun around, one hand still on the door handle, grounding him to his escape route.
“I’M GAY.”
Eddie’s voice was foreign to his own ears. The silence that followed was deafening, amplified by the six pairs of eyes staring back at him.
“OKAY. BE RIGHT BACK.” Eddie shouted before rushing into the Denbrough’s house, slamming the door behind him a bit too aggressively.
Maybe they hadn’t heard him? Maybe they were all silent because they were trying to figure out what he’d said. He’s okay? He’s clay? He’s-
“Hey.”
Eddie nearly jumped out of his own skin at the voice behind him. He didn’t realize he’d been pacing the kitchen, chewing on his fingernails and fighting back tears. When he looked up to meet Richie’s face, he felt a tear escape.
Richie was rushing forward instinctively, a goofy grin on his face despite the concern in his eyes. With timid hands he cupped Eddie’s face, swiping the tear track dry with the pad of his thumb.
Eddie was expecting him to pull away any second, to remember what Eddie had said moments ago and step back. But he doesn’t. He keeps eye contact, seeming to be searching for something.
“So… gay, huh?” Richie’s voice was gravelly, like he was trying to talk around a lump.
Eddie nodded apprehensively.
“Cool. Me too.”
Eddie will forever vow that his heart stopped that day. He’s sure that any paramedics would have pronounced him dead for at least 5 seconds. His entire body felt ice cold and searing hot simultaneously, his muscles were frozen, but he also felt like his knees could buckle at any second. His mind spun around Richie’s words for what was probably an embarrassingly long time. At Eddie’s silence, Richie continued.
“Well, bisexual, technically. So, like, I can dig whoever. Not that I will dig whoever, it’s the same as straight people you know, we’re not just gonna fuck anything that moves. Although, maybe I will, but that’s just because of teenage hormones. But like-”
Richie quiets when he feels shaking hands on either side of his face, mimicking his grip on Eddie’s. When he looks down, Eddie’s face is serious. More serious than Richie’s ever seen it.
“So, you don’t hate me?” Eddie’s voice was small and unsure, and in that moment Richie could feel his heart break.
“Eddie, my love. I could never hate you.”
Richie titled his head down, pressing their foreheads together. The angle was a bit awkward, and even with his glasses Eddie was still blurry at this proximity, but he welcomed the closeness. Eddie’s eyes closed as they touched, his shoulders relaxing minutely.
“Hate is so far from how I feel about you…” Richie added shyly.
He watched as Eddie’s eyes popped open, his entire face changing as he digested those words.
“Richie…” Eddie breathed, searching Richie’s eyes for an answer to an unspoken question.
Richie began leaning in, slow enough to give Eddie time to pull away if he wanted to. Just as their breaths were mingling, soft lips brushing together hesitantly, a cough interrupted them.
They jumped apart so quickly that Eddie nearly fell backward. In the entrance to the kitchen stood their five friends, elated grins on every face.
“Sorry to interrupt, Bill wanted that lemonade.” Stan smirked.
“Hey! D-D-Don’t throw me under the b-b-bus!” Bill defended.
“Finally.” Beverly drawled, walking towards the two boys. “If I had to hear Richie pining for one more second-”
“ANYWAY,” Ben interrupted, coming to Richie’s rescue just as his eyes were beginning to widen comically. “We’re glad you felt comfortable coming out to us, Eddie.”
Ben pulled Eddie into a warm hug, making sure to hold on longer than usual, letting Eddie soak up as much security as he needed.
“Oh please, we knew.” Eddie heard Stan say, muffled through the barrier of Ben’s body.
“We suspected.” Mike corrected, giving Stan a warning glance.
When Eddie pulled away from Ben, he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. New tears were pooling in his eyes, but they were different this time. Relief, happiness, excitement, he’s not sure he could identify all the feelings if he tried. All he knows is that as he looked around the kitchen, watching his friends continue on as if nothing changed, he felt safe.