Chapter Text
Connor hated the ring on his sisters finger.
He hated that Evan Hansen gave her it.
He hated that it’s not on his finger.
He hated himself for hating it. He should be happy for his sister! She’s engaged to Evan fucking Hansen! He should be partying or something. But he’s not.
How can he be when the person she’s going to be marrying is the one he’s been totally, impossibly in love with for years? His relationship with Zoe may have been fixed a long time ago, but he still couldn’t help but hate her just a little bit. He still loved her, but his jealousy got the better of him sometimes.
Either way, he tries to be supportive, no matter how much it breaks his heart. After all, when your two favorite people in the world are happy, you’re supposed to be happy for them, right? So when Evan asks Connor to be his best man, he can’t say no.
It was going to be a small wedding, mostly family, so Evan decided to DIY some invitations instead of getting already made ones. Connor had helped him, drawing a little picture of the couple on the front of each of them. And despite the aching in his heart, he had to admit they were cute together.
The date of the wedding was getting closer and closer, and they still had some things they needed to take care of. Like Zoe’s dress. She’d gone and looked at dresses about 100 times now, but still hadn’t found “the one.”
Connor’s beginning to wonder if she ever will find “the one” and he secretly hopes she doesn’t and they’ll have to cancel the wedding. Which is silly, because it would just be delaying the wedding, not getting rid of it for good, but maybe Connor just hopes it’s more time for one of them to change their mind. Not that it’s going to happen. They’re going to be in love for fucking ever!
He really needed to get over Evan Hansen.
Connor’s not sure why Zoe invited him to go dress-searching. It’s not like he knew anything about dresses, let alone wedding dresses. Either way, she wanted his help, and he just couldn’t say no to her puppy dog face.
Basically it sort of went like this:
“What about this one?”
“Sure.”
“What are you saying? It’s not right at all!”
“Do you think this one is too poofy?”
“It’s fine.”
“Fine? I’m a walking puffball over here!”
“Do you think I should go for an A-line dress or more of a mermaid one?”
“What do you think is best?”
“Connor, I’m asking for your opinion!”
“Fine, go with mermaid.”
“Really? I think A-line is a better choice for me.”
Pretty much, it was a disaster.
Well, it was a disaster until…
“Connor! Connor!” Zoe exclaimed from the dressing room.
“What?” Connor asked, exasperated. She stepped out into view. She looked beautiful, but she was also beautiful in all the other dresses that she didn’t like.
“This is it!”
“This is what?”
“It! The one!” This surprised Connor. She had been looking for the perfect dress for so long, Connor had started believing it didn’t even exist. He instantly felt relief that it was over followed directly by the exact opposite feeling of dread. The dress was just one more step closer to the wedding. He shook off the feeling, though. He has been selfish all of his life, he couldn’t be selfish now.
“That’s great, Zoe!” He hugged his sister.
“I know!” She squealed, “I finally found it! Now, I can get married to the best guy ever in the best dress ever!” Connor sighed internally. They both knew that Evan Hansen really was the best guy ever.
He really needed to get over Evan Hansen.
Connor tried to sign up for online dating. The problem is, he had no idea what he’s doing. Thankfully, his sister was more than happy to help, especially since she wanted to repay him for helping find the perfect dress. Connor didn’t really help at all, but if she insists…
“What would you say is your best feature?” Zoe read.
“I don’t know.”
“I see why you were having so much trouble without me. Just pick something!”
“Oh, you mean like you picked your dress?” Zoe glared at him.
“Your dry, sarcastic humor it is.” She typed it into the bar. “Also, that was my wedding dress. Which is a whole lot more important than the info you put into a dating website. Now, do you want me to help you or not?”
“Sorry, sorry. Continue.”
Zoe helped in answer all these questions about himself that he assumed was for matching him up with someone, and they moved on to his profile. “Ooh. Now we got to choose a profile picture for you. This is going to be the first thing they see, so we need to find a really good picture of you.”
Connor was too caught in trying to find a picture of himself he didn’t hate to realize the door opened. Zoe did notice, though.
“Evan!” She beamed, “Hey, I was just helping Connor set up a dating profile.”
“A… dating profile?”
“Like, for a dating site. He figured it was time to meet someone, I guess.” Zoe nudged her brother.
“Yeah, with all the wedding planning I got a bit… jealous, I suppose.” Connor resolutely did not look at Evan when he said that.
“Oh. Uh, good for you, I guess…” Evan murmured.
Zoe turned back to Connor as her phone went off. “Oh, uh, sorry.” She checked it, “It’s the florist, I gotta take this. Evan, can you help Connor pick out a good picture while I’m gone?”
“Uh, yeah, sure.”
Great, the guy he was trying to get over was going to help him with his attempts to get over him.
Not trusting himself to say anything, Connor thrust his phone at Evan, allowing him to look through the pictures himself. Evan scrolled through the photos for a bit before stopping on one. “Use this one.” He said, handing Connor the phone back.
Connor examined the photo. He remembered when this was taken. “Didn’t you take this picture of me?” He couldn’t help but ask.
“Yeah.” Evan sighed, “We were hanging out at the orchard and I snuck a picture of you and you wanted me to delete it, but I just couldn’t because you were so cute in it.”
Connor tried and failed not to let Evan calling him ‘cute’ get to him and make him flustered. “You liked it so much, so I let it slide. And, well, I don’t hate it, so that’s something.”
The picture was of him smiling in the sunlight, probably laughing at something Evan said. It was definitely a candid photo but the realness of it somehow made it better.
“It was after we finally got over being awkward after… uh, that time we kissed.” Evan whispered the last part.
Connor hid his face as he turned red from that memory. He remembered that too well. He thought about it way too many times. He recalled having a little heart-to-heart with Evan and then somehow… they ended up together. But it didn’t last long. After all, Connor had just kissed his sister’s boyfriend. So he ran.
After that, Evan told him it didn’t have to change their relationship and that they could just forget it happened. They both agreed to never, ever, under any condition, to tell Zoe.
But, as Evan said, it was awkward for a while after that.
It was starting to feel awkward, so Connor quickly made the picture his profile pic and moved on.
“Bio?” Connor read off the screen.
“Oh, uh, it wants you to write something about yourself.”
“I got that, I’m just not sure what it wants me to say…” Connor squinted his eyes at his screen as if he could somehow get it to tell him what to do.
“Well what do you think are, um, quality traits about you?” Evan asked, trying to assist. Again, Connor found it totally ironic that Evan Hansen was unknowingly trying to help Connor get over him.
“Ugh, this is just like the ‘best feature’ question.” Connor groaned, “It’d be easier for me to list off what isn’t good about me.”
“What? Don’t say that, there’s lots of good things about you!” Evan protested.
“Really?” Connor replied, unbelievingly.
“Yeah!”
“Like what?”
“Oh, uh, like…” Evan trailed off.
“See? You can’t think of any.”
“Yes I can! You’re smart! You try and hide it sometimes but I had Chemistry with you senior year and I know you got all A’s in that class! And I also know you did great in your other classes! I mean, I should know, I tutored you myself! You’re also very creative. I love seeing you doodling things on your arms and whenever you let me look at your sketchbook I’m always amazed. Plus, I’ve read your writing and I really think you should consider publishing a book. Oh, and you’re funny! I always laugh at your jokes.” He paused. “Except maybe the really self-deprecating ones because you are amazing and you need to know that.” Connor crossed his arms, trying to stop his stomach from flip-flopping and his heart to stop pounding.
“Okay, I get it, I’m awesome.” Connor couldn’t help but smile a bit.
“Absolutely. That’s why you’re my best friend after all.” Evan shot back an even brighter grin and Connor could have melted right there if he didn’t stop to realize this was exactly what he was trying to prevent with this whole dating site thing.
“Dang, you’re being so sweet, you’re making me regret running away after our kiss.” Connor flirted a bit, instantly wanting to take it back because even though it was supposed to be friendly banter, it was the opposite of what he was going for here.
Evan fiddled with the hem of his shirt a bit, glancing around the room. “Heh. R-right. Uh, you know, Zoe is just in the other room and maybe you could be a bit more quiet. Like, I know we’re getting m-married-” He took a breath, “But I still think it’d be weird for her to know I kissed her brother and we sort of agreed we wouldn’t say anything.”
Connor was going to apologize but the phrasing threw him off, “Wait, you kissed me?” He made sure to keep his voiced lowered this time.
“Um, yes? D-do you not remember that happening?”
“I remember kissing you, I don’t remember you kissing me.”
“Wait, you kissed me? I thought you ran away because I was gross and you didn’t want to kiss me.”
“I ran away because you were my sister’s boyfriend.” Connor corrected.
“Oh.” There was a silence in the room as the two boys processed. When Connor finally got it through his head that Evan Hansen kissed him, he thought he might explode.To stop himself from bursting at the seams he attempted to change the topic.
“Okay, so smart, creative, and funny?” Connor recapped, turning back to the dating site and trying to write something that made him seem cool but not arrogant.
“Oooh, try and squeeze a pun in there, you’re great at those.” Evan suggested, reading what Connor wrote over his shoulder. Everything was seemingly back to normal.
“Yeah, I’m the pun king. Although, I recall when we first met that you started with the puns before me. Even though it was an accident. What did you say again? ‘I’m glad to tree here?’”
“I’m pretty sure there was a lot more stuttering, but yeah. I was kind of nervous. I sort of thought you were gonna murder me.” Connor fell into a fit of laughter.
“You- you thought I was going to murder you?” He asked in between laughs.
“Shut up, stop laughing. I didn’t even know you and then you randomly took me in your car to an abandoned orchard, what was I supposed to think?”
“Ah, I guess that is a bit creepy.” Connor conceded. “Anyways, back to puns. I have a boatload of them. Tree puns are my specialty.” He winked at Evan, “I have so many, it’s practically buy one get one tree.”
“Do your products come with a warran-tree?”
“Absolutely, I guaran-tree it.”
Connor was super aware of the fact he was grinning stupidly at Evan, but he could see Evan had the same expression, so it didn’t matter. That was, until Zoe walked back in the room and Connor forced his smile down and went back to typing.
So far, all this dating site has done is make him fall more in love with Evan and now he's stuck knowing that Evan had actually kissed him and not just the other way around. But it didn't matter, because Evan was getting married… to Connor’s sister.
He really needs to get over Evan Hansen.
Connor doesn’t know how Zoe got him roped into another wedding thing. She had scheduled a cake-tasting appointment–or whatever you’d call it–and then she got called into work because of an emergency. “Connor can you please go with Evan to taste some cake? I would send him alone but I know he’ll get anxious by himself.” Zoe had asked, trying to get an answer from him while putting her shoes on to leave.
“Fine. But only because I know Evan will say all of the cakes are good and be unable to choose just one. He’s terrible at making his own decisions.” Connor knew it was because Evan was afraid to make the wrong decision but still, it’s not that hard to make a few little decisions.
So here he was, sitting at a little table with Evan Hansen, with a bunch of little cakes to try sitting around them. Connor let Evan stutter his way through the details of the wedding logistics that the baker needed to know as well as discuss the price range for the cake.
Connor wasn’t briefed on this information beforehand, since he wasn’t supposed to be coming here in the first place, otherwise he would have helped Evan out a bit more. He did let his hand linger on Evan’s shoulder while he was talking, non-verbally reminding Evan that he was here for him. It seemed to relax him slightly, so it worked.
They also went over a few other details about the cake like whether they wanted to decorate it with fondant or buttercream. Pretty much, they got everything that wasn’t actually tasting the cakes out of the way. Connor was relieved when he finally got to take a bite of sweet baked goodness.
Connor loved sweets. Honestly, though, who doesn’t? Connor had always liked eating pastries but his real obsession probably actually came when he met Evan. It didn’t take very long to figure out that Evan was a stress-baker considering that Evan is stressed a lot. As a result of the stress, Evan always had a lot of leftovers which he gladly shared with his best friend. Connor quickly got used to having a cookie or something like that with him everyday. It didn’t help his addiction that Evan was such a good baker.
Connor tasted the cake in his mouth and wasn’t so sure about it. In fact, after eating all of the cakes that they brought out, Connor still didn’t think they held a candle to Evan. But he perhaps was a teensy bit bias.
“So what’s your favorite so far?” Evan asked, taking a bite of the lemon cake.
“Chocolate, duh.” Connor rolled his eyes, playfully.
“Of course,” Evan teased. “How could I forget your all time favorite cake flavor that you have me make you every year on your birthday?”
“Hey, that’s on you.” Connor protested, “I didn’t even want to celebrate my birthday! You were the one who decided you had to do something for me. Besides, your cakes are always so delicious, I can’t pass up an opportunity to have one all to myself!”
“They’re not that good…” Evan glanced away sheepishly
“Evan, how many times do I have to say that they are before you get it into your head?”
“Three Hundred Million?”
“For real, though, why don’t you make your own wedding cake?”
“Well, um, wedding cakes are super extravagant and I don’t think I could do that kind of decorating, especially all by myself.”
“I could help you.
“Connor, you’d just end up eating it.” Connor couldn’t deny that.
Evan ended up really liking that lemon one, so that’s what he went with. He requested it had strawberry filling as well, because he knew Zoe liked that. Connor still thought he should have gone with chocolate, but that was just his opinion.
But if everything was up to Connor, the cake flavor wouldn’t even be a problem, because the wedding wouldn’t even be happening. However, the world didn’t work around Connor’s every whim. In fact, the world always seems like it’s working against him every day. He couldn’t blame everything on the world, though, because he’s the one who fell in love with unattainable.
He really needed to get over Evan Hansen.
The day Connor was dreading was getting closer and closer without a thing that he could do to stop it. Not that he wanted to stop it. Well, the jealous part of him definitely wanted to sabotage the whole thing, but the rest of him just wanted Evan and Zoe to be happy.
The dress rehearsal of the wedding was today, so Connor had to go searching for the suit that Zoe picked out for him to wear. He didn’t need to wear it to the rehearsal, but he thought he might as well get it out now so he didn’t have to dig it out later. It was it his closet somewhere. The issue here was that Connor’s closet was a mess. He had to move boxes just to get to where his clothes were hanging. It’s why Connor pretty much just wears the same thing every day.
Connor started shoving boxes to the side when something slid off the top box and hit him on the head. Thankfully, it wasn’t anything heavy. Connor set the boxes down and looked around for whatever it was that fell on him.
He smiled when he saw what it was. Connor quickly picked up the object and gently put it on his head. The red and pink carnations of the flower crown stood out with his dark outfit. He remembered when he and Evan made each other flower crowns. Connor’s was a giant mess, but Evan loved it anyways.
The memory turned bittersweet as he remembered what he was doing. Connor strolled over to his bed and gingerly placed the flower crown next to Ash. Ash was yet another memory with Evan. The tiny black plush cat was his best friend other than Evan. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but he still slept with Ash every night. Maybe it was because Evan won it for him at that carnival. Everything came back to Evan with him, didn’t it?
Connor cleared out the rest of the stuff blocked his way, and finally made it to the clean pressed suit he was looking for. Glancing at the time, Connor realized he took so long that he’d actually have to leave soon. And if Connor took one last look at Ash as he walked out the door, no one was there to blame him.
Connor forced himself to smile while standing by Evan’s side during the rehearsal. He had worn the suit anyways just to get used to wearing something fancy. Zoe was about to walk in and Connor had no idea how he was supposed to do this for real because he already couldn’t stand being here.
Then the wedding march started playing and Connor took in a deep breath. As Zoe headed down the aisle towards them Connor couldn’t help but glance at Evan. He was a bit surprised to find Evan looking back at him with a small smile. He thought that Evan would be staring at his soon-to-be wife and trying to picture the real wedding which was sure to be the best day in his life.
However, Evan didn’t look away from Connor for a second. Connor knew he wasn’t worth being looked at when the person Evan was going to spend his life with was in the other direction, so he broke the gaze first and the rest of the rehearsal went smoothly.
If Connor didn’t know any better, he would say that there was something behind the way Evan was looking at him. Connor knew better, though. It was only his wishful thinking. The wedding was only days away and Connor still hadn’t let go of hope.
He really needed to get over Evan Hansen.
Connor spent the next few days holed up in his room, face shoved into his toy cat, trying to forget everything he loved about the boy he couldn’t have. It was only on the day that the wedding was supposed to take place that Connor got up. He was supposed to pick up Zoe for the wedding so he sort of had to.
He headed over to Zoe’s place and let himself in with the key he got from Evan. “Hey, are you ready for your big day?” Connor tried to sound enthusiastic as he called out into the apartment, “Did Evan leave already?” He wondered as he stepped into the room Zoe was in, not having seen the tree-lover anywhere.
Connor only noticed Zoe was crying when she turned to him. “What are you doing here?!” She screamed at him.
“I, uh, was supposed to pick you up for your wedding. A-are you okay?”
“Wedding? Didn’t you get my text?! It’s cancelled!”
“What? Why?” When did this happen?
“As if you don’t know!” Zoe screeched.
“Am I supposed to know?” Serious what was going on?
“This is all your fault! You always have to ruin everything for me!” Her mascara was running down her face. “You’d use to tell me I’d never amount to anything and nobody would ever love me and I finally find someone who does and you have to take him away!”
“Zoe, you know I never meant any of that. I told you, I was just projecting my feelings towards myself onto you. And how exactly did I take Evan away from you?” Connor was utterly confused.
“You went behind my back and had your sick way with him!” Sick way…? What?
“Do.. do you think I slept with Evan or something?” Connor inquired, perplexed.
“Well you did something! Otherwise I wouldn’t have come home to find my fiance telling me that he couldn’t marry me because he was in love with my brother!”
Connor froze. “He...he’s in love with me?” A look of realization came over Zoe’s face when he said that and all the anger faded from her face.
“You.. really didn’t know, did you?”
Connor shook his head. He felt lightheaded and needed to sit down so he plopped down on the bed.
“Oh wow.” Zoe sat by Connor. “Sorry for yelling. I just- I really loved him.” She paused. “Love him.” Tears formed in her eyes again.
“Don’t we all?” Connor joked, feeling his own eyes watering.
“So, you love him too?” Zoe turned to face her brother.
“Yeah,” Connor admitted, “It’s hard to say for how long though. I think I loved him since the day I met him.”
“Oh Connor, this must have been so hard for you.” Zoe sympathized, wrapping her arms around Connor.
“Hard for me? Zoe, you were this close to being left at the altar! Your fiance just ended it right before you were supposed to get married!”
“Yes, this hurts. A lot. But you had to sit here for years pining for him!”
“It’s not as bad as it sounds…” Connor sheepishly spoke.
“You only say that because I know you still believe you don’t deserve to be happy. You totally deserve it.” She smiled at him. “I’m sorry for bringing up the past. Of course I know you didn’t mean the things you said to me when we were teenagers. You’ve come such a long way since then and you really are the best brother I could wish for.”
“Don’t be getting all sappy on me, Zo.” A tear rolled down Connor’s face.
“I just got dumped, I think I’m aloud to be emotional. But Connor, he loves you.” Zoe released him from her arms. “Just because it’s my loss doesn’t mean it can’t be your gain.”
“What? Isn’t it a rule not to date your sister’s ex?” Connor teased, attempting to not freak out at this change.
“Maybe, but the Murphy kids never did play by the rules. Listen, I love both of you and that means I want you yo be happy, and if you’re the happiest with each other then I think you should go for it. I’m gonna have to get over him anyways, might as well move it along. Besides, wouldn’t want for the reason he called off our wedding to have been for nothing.” She winked at him, but he could see the pain in her eyes.
“Are you sure?”
“Definitely.” She was completely serious.
“Okay. Then I guess… I’ll finally tell him how I feel.”
He definitely did not need to get over Evan Hansen.