Chapter Text
“Okay, let's see…” Doyoung flips through one of their gym bags, making sure they’d packed everything from sunscreen to extra socks and working cans of bug spray. Tosses out Haechan’s deep sea scuba diving gear and half-broken Ouija board (ignoring Ten’s snorting). Gets a little annoyed when Mark knocks his hands away to fit in his—
“-eighteen pairs of underwear —Mark, we’re staying there fourteen days —you goddamn gonna live inside the shower stall—
“-Hey, hey —lest y’all forget —I’m the only one who actually lived in Canada, hyung —like just wait ‘til one a y’all get a ‘midnight accident’ —y’all be thanking my ass—
Ten snorts, texting something to Johnny who’s at the other side of the room, packing plastic utensils and mayonnaise into the cooler. The guy snorts, flips a new tab on his phone, rapidly typing, whole body trembling with laughter.
Mark shoots him the side-eye, stomps over and snatches his phone, squinting at the screen.
“The f —
“-Already ordered a pack of twenty in bulk on Amazon Korea—
“-Dammit, Johnny what the —
“- Ayo, fully functional porta-potties in the Suggested bar —lemme get thirteen of ‘em shits —
“-Hey, hey, what’s going on—
Mark turns, drags Haechan over to the phone screen. “-Hyuck —for real, bro, this guy’s actually ordering diapers online for m—
“-Oh, shit, Markeu —you’re pregnant—
Yuta chokes on his water in the kitchen, Jungwoo’s head hits the inside of the fridge. Winwin jumps —half-peeled egg going flying, hitting Ten in the throat —who somehow manages to do a half-pirouette and smack Johnny in the left buttcheek with his tap-dancing shoe as Taeil’s fist shoots the top half of his open banana straight splat into the ceiling.
The phone hits the ground and cracks —frozen on Huggies Extra Soft.
“The fuck, Hyuck—
“-Ayo, Mark—” Johnny pipes up, rubbing his sore ass, but still managing to get in. “-who’s the daddy —who’s the daddy—
Lucas bursts into the room, fists in the air. “-I’m the daddy—!”
The room falls silent. Johnny coughs, raising his eyebrows. Blinks at him twice. Yuta almost drops the second glass of water he poured for himself —other hand’s holding the phone, getting the whole thing on video.
“Y-you’re the father of Mark’s unborn child…?”
Still grinning enormously. “-I...I am—?” Pauses for a second, grin still frozen. “-w-wait a second —what’s going on—
Meanwhile, Kun is taking a shower in the bathroom, traditional Chinese music wafting gently from his iPad balanced on the toilet lid, encased safely in a giant Ziploc bag. He’d stayed up all night making labels for everyone’s individual toiletries (which he had to remake after Lucas ate half of them for a dare —Kun reminds himself to never use fruit-scented markers ever again…). He had no idea what was going on in the living room —he tells himself the distant screaming is from the gibbons in the background music. Ah, the sweet sounds of nature…
“Whoa, whoa, guys, why’re you all making so much noise in the morning…” Jaehyun yawns, Taeyong some steps behind him, tugging onto the hem of his shirt, both still clad in their pajamas. They’re the last to get out of bed and the rest of them (fully dressed) raise their brows knowingly.
“Oh, it’s no big deal, Jae.” Johnny shrugs. He fixed his screen and began adding porta-potties to his shopping cart. Squeezes in two packs of Pampers baby wipes —free shipping with orders over $500. “-you guys can go back to sleep.”
“Yeah, no big deal.” Haechan nods. “-I mean, Mark’s only five months pregnant but hey, Rolling Stones did say newborn babies just happen on the regular, huh?”
“Uh huh…” Jaehyun nods, rubbing his eyes, yawning again. “-nngh, apparently Canada has free healthcare, how ‘bout we do the ultrasound in Ontario…”
The rest of them stare at the two of them, speechless. A tiny crash sounds in the kitchen as Yuta drops his glass. Mark’s begrudgingly turned his attention back to packing, yapping at Lucas to help him stuff in some extra socks.
“Ugh, sweet gentle Jesus…” Taeyong muttered, smushing his head against Jae’s back, trying to get some more sleep. “-I thought Jungwoo was the last member of 127 and now Mark’s having a baby…”
As Tae dozes off again, he wonders Do they give you insurance for child support in Canada...?
...
day one 4:43 pm
About another century later, all thirteen of them are crammed inside a rented van on the way to Killarney Provincial Park, passing by fields upon fields of open countryside. Kun doesn’t think he’s ever seen a sky so blue —the pollution in Beijing wasn’t exactly getting much better, and this enjoyment is only mildly diminished by what sounds like a family of stoned hornets humming into his right ear.
That family of hornets turns out to be just Lucas attempting to meditate with both wrists pressed tightly over the front of his crotch, rocking his body back and forth with visibly strained motion. Jungwoo patiently instructs him on how to control his breathing while everyone else tries to pretend he isn’t there.
Kun rolls his eyes, sighing.
“Lu...Lucas what are you doing…”
“I neeeeeed to peeeeeeeeeeeee… ” Came the monotone, oddly almost sedating reply.
“Hey, Johnny!” The other calls to the one driving. “-uh, Lucas—
“-neeeeeeeeeeds to peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… ”
“Nah, sorry no can do, buddy.” Came the reply back. “-next gas station’s not for another 49 kilometers…”
Elbows Mark in the gut when he snorts long ass ride. Regains his composure and goes back to meditating.
Less than four minutes later, Lucas snaps out of his trance, starts panickedly slapping the back head of Johnny’s car seat.
“Yo, yo, yo man, you gotta let me out —I can’t hold it anymore, man —
“-Lucas, bro, I’m driving at 57 kilometers an hour —are you trying to get yourself k—
“-Johnnyyyyy, I need to peeeeeeeee —
“-You can’t pee on the road —
“-I’ll pee in the sky —
“-Gravity’s a thing—
“-I’ll pee on a rock —
“There’s no frickin’ rocks here, bro—
“-I’ll pee in a cornfield —
“You can’t pee in a cornfield, you dumbass…!” Ten snapped, taking over for Johnny.
“-Why not —
“-Because it’s illegal —
“-Birds pee in cornfields all the goddamn time, man —you don’t see them goin’ to jail—
“- Are you a bird, Lucas —?”
“-Yes, I am —
“- No, you’re not —
“-I believe I can fly —
“-Wh —
“-I believe I can touch the sky.” Keeps going when no one stops him. “-I think about it every night and day.”
Jaehyun snorts, going in to harmonize. “-spread my wings and fly away.”
“I believe I can soar…”
“I see me running through that open — LUCAS WHAT THE F —
But the guy’s flung open the door already and leapt out of the van, rolling furiously into the nearest cornfield.
Johnny slams the brakes and everyone whams into the back of their seat, groaning. It takes another few moments for them all to collect themselves and then Winwin sighs.
“Alright, what do we do now…?”
“He wanted to pee in a cornfield, let him pee in the goddamn cornfield, the hell can we do about it…” Ten muttered, picking at the loose threads on his jean holes.
“Sure hope he knows what he’s doing…” Johnny sighed.
“He rolled out of a fucking van going 50 kilometers per hour.”
“-He’s not dead, though.” Doyoung turned to him, but nodded reluctantly. Guy was made for action movies. If he ever got kicked out of NCT at least he could replace Tom Cruise after the guy busted a kneecap or something.
“You know, maybe we really should’ve invested in some porta-potties—
“- Johnny.”
...
6:38 pm
“Okay, what the fuck.”
Almost over two hours had passed and Lucas was somehow still nowhere to be found. Doyoung wondered if maybe the guy found a portal to another dimension underneath some cornstalk and was now enjoying his best life as a Zumba instructor at a Brazilian dance class in some beach with lots of monkeys and seashells.
“You think maybe Lucas decided to quit NCT and become a pumpkin farmer.”
“Doyoung, what in God’s name—
“-He’s been peeing for almost two hours..." He reminded Taeyong. "-a normal human being would've lost all their bodily fluids by now and be blowing around in the wind with their goddamn plastic bag looking ass…”
“-You can’t possibly pee for more than two hours—
“-Well, then, the hell's going on—
“-Can you get high on corn, lads.”
All ten of them turn to Ten, wordless. Johnny actually turned completely around in his seat. Haechan was the only one who didn’t seem too surprised by the idea.
“-Look, I’m just saying.” Ten rolled his eyes. “-we don’t know shit about corn —what if unripe corn has like, I dunno —hallucinogens or some shit so now Lucas is prancing around in the cornfield chasing sugar plum fairies and whatnot.”
Doyoung smushed his face into his hands, groaning.
“This can’t be happening. This can’t be fucking happening.”
“Y-you want me to call Shawn about—
“-Mark, last time I checked, national parks don’t have cell phone reception…”
“-Well, hey, hey, maybe he’s not there yet...”
“Fat chance.” Then he sighs, shaking his head. “-whatever, go ahead. Go call him before I lose my friggin’ mind…” Goddamn just wanted to reunite with my boyfriend in the great outdoors and now one eighteenth of NCT is lost in a fucking cornfield —what version of Bohemian Rhapsody am I trapped inside right now…?
Mark nudges Johnny for Shawn’s number, dials it up a moment later. Hesitantly reaches the phone over to Doyoung, asking:
“Hey, hyung, you wanna talk to him about…?”
“Are you s —I literally cannot English right now —I can barely-
He sucks back the stress tears and looks him dead in the eye.
“—Mark, if I talk to him right now I’m just gonna say Lucas and cornfield and start crying —Shawn’s gonna think I’m having a stroke, which honestly might not be too far away from what I’m currently experiencing—
“-Okay, okay, hyung —don’t worry, don’t worry, I gotchu, I gotchu.” Mark put the phone back to his ear. “-hey, Shawn?”
“Hi, who’s speaking?”
“Yo, it’s Mark from NCT. We met up last year in LA, remember?”
“Oh…! Oh, hey! How are you? How’re things going with all you guys?”
“Oh, it’s just great. Things are great —c-couldn’t be better…”
“Glad to hear that. Hey, how’s Doyoung doing, can I talk to him?”
“U-uh, well, actually, um…” He looks over at him, the other guy making the knife gesture at his throat. “-uh, actually Doyoung’s on the toilet right now, he, he can’t come to the phone unfortunately…”
“Oh, okay, okay, sorry —that was dumb of me. Anyways, so you’re just calling to say hi?”
“Uh, well, actually, um, we’re on the road right now and we, uh…” Mark falters, still eyeing the empty cornfield. “-um, we’re having some issues, um, with the, uh…”
“Shit, you guys ran out of gas?”
“Uh, no, no, nothing like that, um…” He ran a hand through his hair. “-look, uh, one of our guys, sorta got lost, um…”
“Got lost? Seriously? Woah, dude, how?”
“Uh, um, in, in a gas station…?
“Wow…” He kinda cringes at the uneasy laughter on the other end. “-and how big is this gas station, eh?”
“Just tell him the truth…” Johnny and Jaehyun mutter at the same time. Johnny looks over, eye widened, the other just smiling —it was another one of those times where they unknowingly said the same thing.
“O-okay, Shawn, so this might sound kinda crazy…”
“Okay, yeah? What’s going on?”
“S-so, uh, Lucas had to go to the bathroom and there weren’t any around so he...uh…”
“Yeah?”
“K-kinda jumped out the van and rolled into a cornfield…”
“To pee?”
“Uh, yup…” He looks down, smoothing a jean leg. “-and so now he’s kinda…”
“Lost in a cornfield…?”
“Yeah…” He nodded. “-yeah, now he’s lost in a cornfield…”
“Shit.”
“Yeah, man, you’ve got no idea…” He laughs, half-heartedly. “-anyways, um, so, uh, we’ll probably be running a bit late so just sit tight and, uh—
“-No, no, no — hey, you know what — just stay there, I’ll come find you guys and we’ll look for him together —
“-Hey, Shawn, it’s okay, you don’t gotta trouble yourself that much—
“No, Mark, seriously — I asked you guys to come over to Canada and now one of you’s lost — it’s basically my fault-
“Hey-
“—it’s not a problem, okay — I’ll just track your call on GPS and be there in half an hour or so.”
“-Y-you sure, man? I mean, you really don’t have to…”
“I’m already on my way, don’t worry about it. Like Johnny said —just a bro helping another bro out.”
“-Wow, thanks, man, seriously." He nods, a bit more relieved than before. "-really appreciate it…”
“Not a problem — I’ll see you guys soon, eh?”
“Yeah, yeah see you soon. Alright, thanks Shawn.” Hangs up, shoves the phone back in his pocket.
Doyoung looks at him, waiting. “-okay, so, what exactly—
“-Your boyfriend’s coming over to help us look for Lucas.”
“-wait, what —
“-Come on, be happy —he’s literally driving his ass over to see you…”
“...”
“Doyoung-hyung?”
The other just plants his face into the windshield, muttering barely audibly. “-friggin’ family’s a fucking nightmare…”
An even more barely audible reply sounds back from Winwin who just quietly squeezes his knee in reassurance. I know, hyung. I know.