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Adam Parrish had a complicated relationship with his left ear ever since the accident.
Like most people born able-bodied, he rarely stopped to really consider and appreciate everything his body had to offer him before he became deaf in one ear.
Unlike the physical scars imprinted on him by his father, this was the one injury that felt the most permanent and life-altering. It forever changed the way he went about the world. He had to relearn how to position his body when having conversations, how to not become startled when someone approached him from the left, and even where to sit in a classroom.
He tried to think of it less as a loss or disability and more as a ‘new normal’ that required some adjusting. All things considered, he felt like he was handling it well, but that’s not to say his ‘new normal’ didn’t come without its struggles.
He also had to make adjustments to the way he slept. He was a natural side-sleeper, ever since he was a kid. At first, he refused to sleep on his right side—leaving his deaf ear exposed meant his whole body was vulnerable, he wouldn’t be able to hear an intruder or someone knocking on the door or even his alarm clock. It was just too risky when he slept alone.
But now, more times than not, Adam doesn’t sleep alone anymore.
He usually doesn’t have to do much guessing to figure out if Ronan’s in a big or little spoon mood. On most days ending in ‘y,’ he unabashedly prefers to be the little spoon, though as he once reminded Adam with a smirk, “We both know I can be versatile when the occasion calls for it.”
When Adam’s the big spoon, it’s business as usual with him sleeping on his left side. He prefers it this way, he takes his role as Ronan’s protector seriously, especially when the other boy is sleeping—one of his most vulnerable states. Plus Adam sleeps better knowing his hearing ear is unobstructed and nothing will put them in harm’s way without him waking first.
But then there are other times, when Adam’s so tired he can barely see straight or when he’s feeling shitty and sad and has trouble articulating his mood that he prefers to be the one cuddled. Ronan’s got a few inches on him, meaning there’s no part of him that isn’t touching Adam when he’s the big spoon. It makes Adam feel the absolute safest he’s ever felt.
It also means that sleeping on his left side is sometimes unavoidable (while Ronan claims to be versatile, he’s very territorial over which side of the bed is his.) But on nights when Ronan is curled up against him, arms protectively wrapped around his waist and his head nuzzled in the crook of his neck, Adam doesn’t mind his hearing loss. He trusts Ronan to keep him safe and wake him up when he needs to be up early. And on days when he can sleep in, he never sleeps as hard as he does on his left side—undisturbed and peaceful.
The people in his life adjusted to his hearing loss wonderfully, but every now and then, someone forgot. It doesn’t offend him, he understood when small blunders happen and never held a grudge. Just about everyone he knows has had a slip up at this point—but never Ronan. He’d always been aware of Adam on a level that took his breath away.
Initially, when everything between them was still an unspoken secret, being the object of his deepest affections scared the shit out of him. But over the last few months, after everything with Glendower, Adam’s allowed himself to let down his guard and be receptive to being in a healthy and nurturing romantic relationship.
Which is how they found themselves here, on this night at the Barns. Some might say a wild bonfire party was in full swing, but on closer look, it was really just him, Ronan, Blue, Gansey, and Henry getting stupid drunk and dancing freely around a massive pile of burning dream shit that Ronan specifically dreamed up for this night.
After their cross-country road-trip, Gansey, Blue, and Henry finally arrived back in Henrietta for a few weeks of reprieve before Adam, Henry, and Gansey were set to ship off to college in New England that fall.
Suffice to say, mixed-emotions were running high and the group wanted to make the most of the time they had left, so Ronan shipped Opal off to Fox Way for the night and soon, the party was well underway.
Only two beers in himself, Adam was the soberest person there. He never touched hard liquor and only occasionally allowed himself to get drunk when he was with Ronan. At first, he felt guilty that he didn’t abstain from alcohol altogether like he told himself he would when he was younger. But the truth was, he found social drinking really enjoyable. But that didn’t mean he was going to get shit-faced just for the hell of it.
That was more Ronan’s MO.
“Good god” Adam heard Gansey mutter as he approached, “Look at them, Adam.”
Adam turned his face away from Gansey’s own alcohol-flushed cheeks and followed his gaze over to the fire, where Ronan and Blue were engaged in their own version of dirty dancing—Ronan was bent over and shaking his ass at Blue, who mimed slapping it while gyrating her hips to the blasting music. Henry was a few feet away, lying on his back in the grass with his arms in the air, twirling them about in a frantic ‘rave-like’ fashion. It really was a sight to behold.
“Thank god we’re sober” Gansey told him, stumbling to clean his smudged glasses off on his shirt.
Adam suppressed a smirk, “Yes, thank god.” He made a mental note to hide Gansey’s keys and insist the three of them crashed at the Barns until morning just to be on the safe side.
“Parrish, come dance!” Ronan called to him.
“I’m okay, thanks” he called back. He wasn’t trying to be a buzz kill, but he’d much rather watch his friends have fun than embarrass himself by joining.
But Ronan heard none of this. He ran over to Adam, grabbing his hands and pulling up towards the fire.
“You can’t just stand there watching us like a couple of pervs” he told them “And yes, Gansey, that includes you. Hit the dance floor or leave. I can’t be expected to entertain your woman all night.”
“Goodness, fine” Gansey told him, brushing past them to retrieve Blue who was dancing just a little too close to the fire to be considered safe.
Ronan turned his attention back to Adam.
“Yay” he said quietly, lifting both of Adam’s hands to his lips, one after another.
“You think you’re cute” Adam observed, leaning in to brush his nose against Ronan’s.
“I am!” Ronan protested, pulling Adam in when he tried to move away “Tell me I’m cute. But quietly so the others don’t hear.”
“Oh my god. Insufferable, is what you are” Adam told him, before giving him a quick kiss. “Insufferable but cute.”
Ronan smiled—a real, genuine, open smile that Adam felt in every part of his body. He felt heat rise in his cheeks under the other boy’s gaze. Who needed alcohol when he had Ronan in his life?
“Get ready, I’m gonna spin you” Ronan told him.
“I’d prefer if you didn’t” Adam protested, knowing it was frivolous as Ronan was already wrapping him in a pre-twirl position.
“Live a little, Parrish” was the only warning Ronan gave before he started to fling Adam about in a less than graceful dance.
Adam stopped protesting almost immediately, unable to stop the laughter that bubbled up in his chest as his boyfriend continued to spin him around.
“I’m gonna get sick on you” Adam warned after a few minutes of twirling to the left and right, getting all kinds of dizzy.
Finally, Ronan relented, twirling Adam back up into his arms. He wrapped him in a tight hug, still laughing maniacally as they swayed back and forth in an attempt to regain their bearings.
Adam was still laughing when he felt Ronan’s lips against his right ear, kissing him there.
“I love you” he said directly into his hearing ear.
Adam immediately tensed up, completely stunned.
Ronan seemed to realize what he said a fraction of a second after Adam did, because he stopped moving as well. For a few moments, it was as if they were the only two people on earth.
And then the moment broke.
“Shit, fuck” Ronan said, untangling himself from Adam, “Fucking fuck. Fuck!”
“Lynch, hang on—” but it was too late, by the time Adam turned around, his boyfriend was already halfway back to the house.
Turns out, Adam didn’t have to go looking that hard for Ronan, he found him in his bedroom (their bedroom, he thought briefly) throwing stuff around in frustration.
“Lynch, calm down. It’s not a big deal” Adam told him.
Ronan immediately frozen, turning to glare at him.
“I mean. That didn’t come out right. It is. But it’s okay. You’re drunk” Adam explained.
“The fuck does that even mean?” Ronan asked.
“People say dumb shit all the time when they’re drunk. It’s okay” Adam tried again.
If possibly, Ronan’s face grew even more rigid. Adam couldn’t figure out what the hell was happening.
“Dumb… shit?” Ronan repeated slowly.
“I just mean it’s okay if you said something you didn’t mean” he said.
A few quiet moments rolled by.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now? Of course I meant it” Ronan told him, his voice laced in acid.
Adam felt his whole face flush at this confession. He tries to jump back in his mind, recalling the way his voice sounded mere minutes ago, so sweet and warm and loving.
I love you…. I love you…
“Then why…I don’t…why are you so angry?” Adam asked him.
“Because tonight was supposed to be perfect and I fucked it up by saying something you didn’t wanna hear” Ronan told him.
“How could you possibly know that?” Adam asked.
“I overheard you telling Blue, that’s how” Ronan said, unable to keep the hurt out of his voice or off his expression.
It took Adam a few moments to wrack his brain for what Ronan was referring to.
Finally—finally he remembered something. Back before Blue, Gansey, and Henry left on their road-trip, they had a similar get-together at the Barns…a send-off hoorah. There was a moment when Blue and Adam sat alone on the porch, snuggled together under a quilt.
“I can’t believe you’ll be gone almost all summer” Adam had told her “What am I gonna do without you?”
“Please, you’ll be just fine, shacking up with your hot boyfriend and banging like bunnies in our absence. I have faith in you.”
Adam remembers how his ears reddened at that. After all, she wasn’t wrong.
“I’m telling him you called him hot” he told her.
“Hey, I said that for your benefit, not his. I’m not attracted to reptiles” Blue said.
“Just book-worms, right?”
“That was lame, even for you.”
“I know, don’t tell Gansey” Adam said “I am gonna miss you though, no matter how good things with Ronan are.”
“Of course. Just like I’ll miss you. But spending the summer with our respective boyfriends that are madly in love with us isn’t exactly punishment either” Blue pointed out.
Adam laughed uncomfortably.
“God, don’t say that” Adam said.
“What? That Ronan’s madly in love with you? We both know it’s true.”
“I just… I can’t think in those terms right now. It’s too much. It’ll make my head explode. I have to think about my future and school and making mone—”
“Hey, hey. Relax. I didn’t mean to freak you out” Blue said.
“I know. It’s just…a lot” Adam said “I don’t know that I could handle it.”
“Just take it one day at a time. You deserve to be happy” Blue told him.
In retrospect, he should have known better than to assume Ronan wasn’t eavesdropping. It was so early in their relationship and they both struggled to open up about how they were feeling. It was like pulling teeth to figure out they were on the exact same page with their feelings for each other, and that took weeks. So of course Ronan was curious, Adam couldn’t blame him for that.
“I said that months ago, Lynch” Adam told him in the present.
“You’ve called me ‘Lynch’ three times since I told you I loved you. I know what that means, Adam. You’re pulling away already. Putting up all the fucking walls I spent this summer knocking down. And now things will be weird and awkward and you’ll go to college and you won’t come back. It’s fucked. I fucked us.”
Adam watched as Ronan sunk on to his bed, head hanging heavily.
“You didn’t fuck us, stop saying that” Adam told him quietly. He moved to sit down gingerly next to Ronan, so as not to startle him. “Ronan, look at me.”
Ronan kept his head down.
“Ronan” Adam tried again.
Finally, he lifted his head with the help of the guiding hand that Adam placed on his cheek. His heart broke further at the sight of Ronan’s watering eyes. He knew the alcohol was playing a big factor in this breakdown, but knowing his words cut his boyfriend this deeply was killing him.
“You weren’t supposed to hear it” Ronan told him quietly.
“What are you talking about?” Adam asked just as softly.
“I mixed up your ears” he said.
He lifted a hand to touch his right ear, “This is the good one.” And then his left, “This is the bad one. I never mix them up.”
Adam scrunched his face in confusion.
“You mean you meant to say it in my deaf ear?”
“Yeah, like always” Ronan said easily.
Something suddenly clicked in Adam’s brain. He recalled those nights in bed with Ronan where he was the big spoon wrapped around Adam’s smaller frame. Times when, on the verge of consciousness, that Adam could feel small puffs of Ronan’s breath against the crook of his neck, right beneath his left ear.
He always assumed Ronan was saying ‘goodnight’ out of habit, or perhaps mumbling a short prayer. He never entertained the idea that he could be saying anything else.
“Ronan. How long have you been telling me you love me?”
Ronan’s gaze dropped to Adam’s shoulder.
“Um. A little while, I guess” he said.
What he meant was months.
This reality took his breath away. He almost couldn’t form words to respond, but he knew going silent was what got them into this pickle in the first place. If their relationship was ever going to work, he’d have to push past his instinct to withdraw and retract and finally open up about what was going on in his head.
“That’s…wow” he started.
“Wow? Not ‘oh no’ or ‘fuck off’ or—” Ronan started to ramble.
“Yes, it’s wow. I’m not, you have to remember I didn’t grow up like you, Ronan. I’ve never…my parents never told me they loved me. Or maybe they did when I was like a baby or a toddler, but I never heard it. Not as a kid, not as an adult. And I never said it either. It’s not something I thought about consciously a lot, but when I started getting interested in girls and dating and all that, it really became apparent to me how much it messed with me. I felt unlovable, I didn’t know that being loved was an option for me, not by family or friends or in relationships. I know it sounds dumb, but you have to understand how much…just loathing I grew up with. It’s so safe and familiar, learning to let that go is like. It’s the hardest thing. Like kicking an addiction. So yeah, my default wiring is to run and shut down and protect myself from people ‘cause I never learned how to be vulnerable and safe at the same time. In my house, being vulnerable meant you got hurt, every day, all the time. So. I’m sorry that you felt like you couldn’t tell me. Or that I’d leave you. That’s…”
Adam stopped for a moment to regroup, feeling himself start to cry, “That’s really fucking brave, to love someone and tell them, and I’m sorry that I’m the person you chose, out of everyone—”
Ronan cut him off by kissing him deeply, literally stealing the cruel thoughts off of his tongue and replacing them with all the emotion he could muster.
“Don’t apologize for being who you are. Don’t ever do that. I didn’t choose to love you. Just like I don’t choose to breathe. You think if I had a choice, I’d torture myself the way I did? Christ, Adam, my gut’s been in a fucking chokehold since the day I met you. I didn’t have any say in the matter.”
“So romantic” Adam whispered, trying for a joke but it came out as a whisper.
“I’m trying to tell you that I know you’re not perfect, but you’re perfect to me. I don’t care how dumb that sounds, you’re my favorite fucking person and I wish you could see that. I didn’t decide to fall in love with you, I just do. So much. And I needed to tell you, so I did. And yeah, in hindsight, it’s a little fucked up that I did it when I knew you couldn’t hear me, but I was scared you weren’t ready to hear it.”
“Will you say it again?” Adam asked.
Ronan took a shaky breath, “I love you.”
Adam smiled, closing his eyes to bask in the sound.
“Again?”
Ronan knocking their foreheads together gently.
“I love you.”
A few minutes of comfortable silence passed.
“I love you too” Adam told him.
Ronan opened his eyes to look at Adam. His blue eyes shone with unshed tears and hope.
“Yeah?” he asked.
“I have for a while. I was just… remember a few weeks ago when Opal was catching fireflies and made us watch from the porch? And you sneezed and spilled hot chocolate on me? That’s when I knew, for the first time. I wanted to say it but I wasn’t ready.”
“That was the first time you realized, seriously? Of all the magical moments we’ve shared together? Sneezing and spilling hot chocolate?”
Adam smiled and nodded, like the memory was the best he’s ever had.
“Say it again?” Ronan asked.
“I love you, Ronan.”
They met halfway for another kiss, this one less desperate but still passionate. It felt like an apology and a promise all wrapped into one moment.
When they finally pulled apart, Ronan rubbed his nose against Adam’s.
“We should probably get back to the party, huh?” Ronan asked.
“I doubt they realized we left. We can probably stay up here for a few more minutes” Adam said.
“Cool” Ronan replied, “I’m in no rush.”
Adam smiled. Neither was he.