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“AAaaaaaahhhhhh!!!”
The bedroom door crashed open and the brothers tumbled in, weapons draw and ready to attack whatever had caused Mikey to scream at the top of his lungs at 3:15am.
“What is it! Krang? Stockman? Leatherhead? Mikey what’s wrong!” Leo demanded, his voice tight and strained.
“Another mutant bug outbreak?” Donnie inquired, looking about the room sleepily.
“BUGS?” Raph practically yelled, eyes quickly scanning the room for any creepy crawlies.
Mikey launched himself at Raph and held onto his brother tightly, burying his beak in Raph’s plastron. “Noooo it was horrible! Horrendous! Absolutely horrifying! Raph you gotta save me bro!”
“Calm down Mikey. Tell us what happened, what does Raph have to save you from?” Leo asked as he put his katana away, seeing no immediate threat.
“Dudes, it was gnarly.” Mikey’s said, peeking out from his position under Raph’s bicep. “I never expected it. The thing came out of nowhere and totally attacked me!” Mikey’s eyes were large and wide with his terror.
Donnie sighed deeply and rubbed his eyes. “Mikey, for shells sake, what came out and attacked you? Please be as specific as possible. Do I need to scan the lair for a life form?”
“Dude, it was the Technicolor Killer Hamburger. Totally wrecked the picnic and everything and then it ate us!” Mikey shivered and tried hiding under Raph’s arm, despite Raph’s attempts at removing his octopus of a brother from his person.
“Technicolor Killer Hamburger?” They chorused, confused looks crossing each of their faces.
“Mikey,” Leo’s voice echoed with exasperation, “what the shell is a killer hamburger? What picnic?”
Mikey extracted himself from Raph’s personage and sat down on his bed and began his narration.
“So it’s like the middle of the afternoon and we were like totally having this awesome party picnic in Central Park with April. You know we had this killer spread, like 20 different types of pizza and hamburgers and hotdogs and soda; tea for Leo and coffee for Donnie and like those totally cool little Italian puff pastries with the powdered sugar on them for desert. So we’re like playing Frisbee and ninja tag and sniffing the really cool flowers. Dancing under the disco ball sun and stuff. Ya with me so far?” The brothers nodded.
“You dream in color?” Donnie asked while he rubbed his chin. “Not many people dream in color.”
“The sun was a disco ball?” Raph raised and eye ridge, seriously contemplating going back to his room for another three hours of shuteye.
“Dude, yea all the time, but that’s not important. What’s important is the killer hamburger!” Mikey exclaimed, waving his hands animatedly in an attempt to get his brother to focus back on him.
Leo sighed wondering if he was going to regret asking. “OK Mikey, tell us about the hamburger.”
“OK so we’re like totally chillin when April reaches into the picnic basket for some food. Next thing we know she’s got her hand stuffed between the hamburger and the bun and starts screaming like crazy.” Mikey starts flapping his arm, “April tries to filing the thing off but it totally stuck on her hand, and then catsup starts leaking from the burger! But it isn’t catsup, it’s blood!”
The turtles rear back their faces contorting in disgust and horror.
“Next thing we know, the burger gets bigger in size! It might have been dowsed in mutagen or something. The cheese and pickles start dripping down the sides and it’s growing and growing and it’s trying to eat its way up April’s arm!”
“Well didn’t we try and get it off? Save April?!” Leo yells, completely engrossed in the gross story.
“Well duh. Leo you totally pull your swords and go swinging at it and it jumps off April, but by then it’s too late and it ate her arm all the way up to the shoulder!” The boys gasp in horror. “Donnie you go all into doctor mode and you and Raph pull her away and try and stop the bleeding.”
“But like now, the hamburger is really big like the size of a Volkswagen and it’s totally attacking Leo, trying to get past him or eat him. Dude you’re swing your swords and it’s dodging around.”
“The battle is really intense. So like it starts spitting freebee size pickles at you. They are like, super sharp and one of them gets past your defense and it catches you in the chest! Dude it was like buried in your plastron and you scream and fall over!”
“Raph leaves Donnie and April and comes tries to get to you to rescue you. But the hamburger is faster and it gobbles you up, swords in all!”
Leo pales and looks at Raph and Donnie. All of them are too engrossed in the story to interrupt. Listening in horrified attention.
“Raph comes up and starts stabbing at the burger, but it’s too fast and two gooey strands of cheese come slashing out from its sides and they grab Raph! You struggle like crazy, totally stabbing everything but it coats you in melty cheese and drags you into it maw.”
Raph swallows audibly, looks over at Leo and then back at Donnie. Donnie has crouched close to the bedroom door, bo clenched in hands, looking quickly about the room, as if the nightmare would come dashing out of the closet to get him next.
“What about me and April?” He squeaks out.
“Dude, I have no idea. ‘Cause I like get down to business and start smackin the thing and my chucks are twirlin and bouncing everywhere. But I does me no good, last thing I know is it trips me up with an onion to the face and then it launches itself at me. The last thing I see is this meaty maw opening up to get me.” Mikey looks at them. “And then I like totally screamed and woke up.”
Leo and Raph are gray around the gills, staring at each other, horrified that they were taken down so easily and eaten by lunch. Donnie looks like he’s about to have a panic attack.
“So, that’s my nightmare. Thanks for listening bros, I’m totally better now and I best get back to sleep. Sensi will have us training in the morning.” Michelangelo, gets up from his bed and gently shoos his brothers out of his room and into the hallway. “Goodnight!” He chirps and shuts the door.
Donnie, Leo and Raph stare at each other for a moment. Donnie still has his hands clenched around his bo and Raph and Leo look positively nauseous.
“So,” Leo begins, “I’m not going back to bed any time soon. Anyone want some coffee?”
Raph clears his throat, “Yea, coffee sounds good. You in Donnie?”
Donnie nods. As they walk through the darkened lair, Donnie uses the end of his bo to flip the light switches on before they reach each room. In the kitchen they settle quietly into the chairs around the table, while Raph fills up the coffee pot and quietly plugs it in to perk.
“How about something to eat?” Raph asks, his voice no higher than a whisper.
“Food? How can you think of food at a time like this?” Leo asks through clenched teeth.
“Getting almost killed makes me hungry.” Raph hisses back.
“Newsflash Raphie-boy you did get killed.” Leo hisses right back at him.
“Hush both of you! You don’t want to wake Sensei.” Donnie hisses at the both of them.
Raph shrugs and pulls open the refrigerator door. He jumps backwards, hands shooting to his mouth as he holds back a scream of terror.
”What! What is it?” Leo leaps forward, catching Raph by the shoulders.
Raph points one hand towards the open fridge. There, lying quietly on a plate, sits four hamburgers, buns and all.
“Oh no, not on my watch.” Leo circles around Raph and cautiously reaches into the fridge, pulling out the platter. “Donnie the sink!” He whisper screams for Donnie. Donnie nods, understanding what Leo wants and races to the sink. He turns the water on and starts the disposal he installed last year. Quickly Leo races across the kitchen, dumps the burgers into the disposal and smashes them down into oblivion with the hilt of his katana.
The three of them sigh in relief, while Leo wipes the burger grease from the hilt of his sword. Quietly he put the blade away and turns to his brothers. “Let us never speak of this again.”