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It took Natsu a long time to notice.
The little things, the ways Gray related to him differently since (inadvertently) coming out to him. It was all subtle stuff: the way he pulled back from touch at the last minute, the way he would cut himself off mid-sentence whenever he made a comment to Natsu, letting others carry the conversation while Gray got a thoughtful look and didn't meet his eyes.
"What's up, snowball?" Natsu would ask sometimes, and Gray would give him a distant smile and shrug.
"Nothing."
It came together very slowly for Natsu.
Gray's behavior was bugging him enough that Natsu started thinking through their past interactions looking for a cause. That was how he knew it was perturbing him to a significant degree: normally Natsu just punched things out with people.
He remembered when they'd had their pivotal conversation about Gray's sexuality. Gray had seemed particularly disturbed by his own identity, but since then Natsu had seen no evidence of distress. Before then, either, if Natsu thought back to interactions they had which, in retrospect, should've told him right away that Gray was not straight.
But when they'd had The Conversation, Gray had yelled and been in tears over his sexuality, furious and destroyed that it would never change.
As if he were afraid Natsu would hate him, and was pre-freaking out in anticipation.
Except Natsu had never said anything that he could think of which was homophobic except the one comment that had precipitated The Conversation in the first place. So why would Gray expect him to be angry?
Natsu was also trying to figure out what attraction was all about in the first place. His conversations with Lucy had convinced him that this was something he should've noticed in himself before.
Had he ever experienced attraction before?
He started evaluating his feelings at every moment, which quickly became overwhelming and frustrating.
He wasn't even sure what he was looking for. What did it feel like? When you liked someone…you just liked them. They became your friend. You loved your friends and took care of them, and your best friends most of all.
But his best friend was Gray. Clearly Gray wasn't okay, so Natsu needed to focus on that, not himself, so he could be helpful—or at least not destructive.
Not that there was anything wrong with destruction in general, but he didn't want to destroy Gray again. He'd had enough of making Gray cry. Once was plenty.
It struck him one day that Gray, who generally didn't make assumptions about people, had made quite a glaring one when they'd had the coming out conversation.
Only a straight person would believe that, he'd hissed, looking angry and sad.
But who said Natsu was straight? Not that he necessarily wasn't, but he hadn't declared one way or another. And Gray, the Gray who had always given him room to grow into himself, who always had space for Natsu (whether his strength or his confusion), had just…assumed.
You don't understand.
And he'd been so mad about that. Like a wall had come down between them—Natsu felt it too at the words. He hadn't liked it.
Leave me alone. I can't.
Gods, it had hurt. Gray didn't say terrible things like that even when they fought. On the other hand, Gray had been hurting: his harsh words were understandable and forgivable, but still…
Natsu began to have a sneaking suspicion Gray's assumptions had more to do with this than was immediately apparent.
"Gray."
The ice mage turned around at the sound of his name.
"Yo, Natsu," he said, ready to smile, but Natsu looked so serious that his face fell. "What's up?"
"Can we talk?"
Oh. A strange and unpleasant sensation swept through him.
Something must have registered on his face, because Natsu's eyes widened and he quickly assured him, "It's not bad. I just have a question, and it's kind of personal."
He glanced around the busy guildhall in indication.
Gray sighed. He wasn't actually reassured. The only personal questions Gray could think of were not ones he wanted to answer. Not to anyone, and especially not to Natsu.
They exited the back of the guild and wandered over to a sunny spot where Natsu plopped down, Gray leaning against a tree.
Natsu stared in consternation at the water for a while as Gray watched him.
"What does attraction feel like?"
Gray coughed. That had not been one of the questions he'd anticipated—and dreaded—but it was almost worse.
"Why?" Gray asked.
"Because I want to know."
"What does it feel like to you?"
"That's the problem," Natsu huffed. "I don't know. Lucy was surprised I didn't know what she was talking about with…all of that. And I keep trying to understand, but I have no idea what I'm looking for."
"Maybe you've never felt attraction before," Gray said, the chill in his throat manageable—at least if Natsu hadn't felt anything, Gray wouldn't have to watch him go and date someone else.
"Maybe. Is that normal?"
"I don't know?" Gray sighed and sank to the ground, perching on his haunches. "I think there's asexual, and aromantic and stuff, and that's when you don't get that way."
"Asexual," Natsu mused.
Gray watched his face. Natsu's lovely face—Gray always looked at him and thought, beautiful.
If Natsu were asexual, they could have something that wasn't quite what Gray wanted but was better than going their separate ways. They could be bachelors together. They could still always have each other…it would just be different from the way which Gray dreamed of.
Natsu could feel Gray's eyes on him.
He was still processing Gray's words, testing them for internal validity with his own feelings, wondering…
Weirdly, he found he didn't want to be asexual. In the same way he didn't quite want to be straight. Which was a funny thing to want.
"There's also…" Gray paused.
Natsu was not going to let him drift off without speaking. Not this time.
"Also?" he prompted.
"Demisexual," Gray sighed. "It's when you don't feel it as much as other people."
"Oh?" Natsu sat up straighter. "How does that work?"
"You don't feel attraction unless you know someone really well. So you don't really get turned on by people, or experience a romantic desire…except towards your good friends. Which can be really inconvenient," he added.
"Really? I would think that would make it easier. You don't have to test things out with someone: you already know you get along and like each other. There's no…dating interim period." Natsu shuddered. "The idea of dating always makes me want to run."
"Me too," Gray laughed.
They glanced at each other and smiled.
"So," Gray said. "S-So… No girls? Ever—yet?"
"No girls," Natsu confirmed.
Gray's brow furrowed at Natsu's words.
"You mean…then…what about guys?"
"No?" Natsu couldn't help it ending in a question, especially as he watched Gray's face fall and then rise again, shoulders tense.
Natsu wondered when being honest with each other became so excruciating.
Or when they'd leaned so close toward each other.
"Gray," Natsu said.
Gray inhaled, eyelashes fluttering, and drew back. His lips rounded the word sorry but no sound came out behind it.
"Maybe you're ace or demi," Gray said instead.
"Maybe. Would explain why this is so hard," Natsu agreed, flopping his head to the side dramatically.
"That's what he said," Gray muttered.
Natsu burst into surprised laughter and Gray joined him, the pair looking at each other and launching into more guffaws.
"How do you know so much?" Natsu asked when their giggles subsided. "I know none of this. They should teach a class."
"Yeah…"
Natsu peered at him, hearing more to that sentence. Gray sighed.
"I'm demi, Natsu. That's how I know what it is."
"So you only fall for your best friends or something? How did you figure it out?"
"Something…like that." Gray's mouth twisted. "I didn't feel what other people talked about feeling, and then when I did it was someone close to me, for a long time, and then nothing after them for a while, and then another good friend… I realized I was different, and went looking to see if anyone was like me. Turns out there are."
"Huh."
Natsu sat back.
"What are you thinking?" Gray asked, clearly nervous.
"Just…it all makes sense. Why are there these ideas about how much and when and for whom you're supposed to feel attraction? Where do these ideas come from? Because if it's totally normal to be gay, or bi, or—or demi, then why do we act like it's not normal?"
"Beats me," Gray sighed. "I wish it weren't like this."
The ice mage resettled, looking moody, his legs stretched in front of him and his elbows propped behind him. He was shirtless, unsurprisingly, and Natsu glanced at his abs automatically. Gray was ripped, a consequence of near constant training for a majority of his life.
Gray caught him looking and Natsu suddenly felt like he'd done something wrong. When Natsu shifted uncomfortably, Gray raised an eyebrow.
But the ice mage looked away after a moment and Natsu breathed again. Brow scrinching, Gray stretched and for a brief moment all his musculature was on display, shadowed and sunlit in relief.
And Natsu thought, fuck. When had Gray started looking so good? Forever, now that he thought about it.
The squirming in Natsu's gut begged his attention, and when he realized he was feeling both adrenaline rush and anxiety, it hit him: this was what Lucy said attraction felt like.
Oh. Oh shit.
Something enormous pressed down on his chest, something he wanted to hide and savor. He felt very out in the open sitting here beside his best friend. The realization kept hitting him, each time with surprise: did he…like Gray like that?
Only it wasn't really a question.
Natsu wanted to sit with this feeling for a while and consider it. But when Gray rose to get up, it was suddenly vital that he keep Gray here.
"G-Gray," he said.
The tone of Natsu's voice (and the fact that the voice was Natsu's) made Gray glance over. He found a very odd expression on the other boy's face.
The weird sensations that had been haranguing Gray since the start of this conversation sharpened into a painful point. He had to be careful when he breathed around it, as if he would break apart if he moved too fast.
He couldn't parse the expression Natsu wore for the simple reason that there were too many wishes and dreams in the way. Natsu looked intent and awed and like he was seeing Gray for the first time (and didn't dislike what he saw), and that spurred Gray's hopes along terribly. He hated getting Natsu's attention like this, because it always made his stomach turn over pleasantly, and he knew, just knew, his longing showed on his face. He couldn't hide it when Natsu made him feel this way.
"What?" he demanded, throaty, turning away so that Natsu couldn't see his face. He was on his feet, Natsu still seated, but Gray felt like Natsu was so much taller and bigger than him. So much more luminous.
The light sigh behind Gray's back hurt, but Gray refused to turn around. That sigh only hurt because he wanted to believe it was a disappointed sigh, not an everyday sigh.
"Where are you going?" Natsu asked.
Gray scuffed his foot, considering fleeing, but that hadn't worked out well for him in the past. Natsu had proved quite persistent in coming after him, refusing to let Gray hide from him. It had finished Gray, last time when Natsu chased him down after outing him, because he'd been fighting his emotions for so long, and then Natsu hunted him down in his isolation, apologized, and wanted to make him feel better.
Gray was smitten.
He hated how simple friendly comfort could do that. He knew it was just Natsu being the good, loyal friend he was. Natsu had been similarly relentless with Erza, Lucy, Wendy. But Gray had been unable to not be in love with him since then, and it hurt so much.
And so Gray was stuck here, knowing he couldn't run away from Natsu because of how Natsu was, and wanting to run away for precisely the same reason.
He still hadn't replied, but the silence had gone on too long, and Gray didn't have any answer.
"Gray, what if I'm demi?" Natsu said.
Good, a conversation Gray could grab hold of.
"It would explain a lot," Natsu went on. "I've never…I mean, those feelings have been so rare I didn't notice them before. This is starting to actually make sense for once. You're really smart sometimes, snowflake, you know that?"
"Huh? I am?" Gray said stupidly. "Um, thank you. And maybe you are d-demi. It's up to you: you pick whatever label you think best fits you. Maybe over time your evaluation of yourself will change, but it's always your choice of label.
"So, wait, 'rare'? I thought you didn't know what attraction feels like?"
He'd looked back at Natsu, and to his surprise, Natsu blushed in a very un-Natsu-like way.
"I…lied. I know what it feels like," he muttered. "Just didn't realize."
"Because it's rare."
"Yeah."
Gray huffed, trying not to think about Natsu's feelings but instead of the way his own story mirrored that—how their paths were similar and he understood.
He nodded and sat back down, making sure there was sufficient distance between the pair of them but also not too much distance, because he didn't want to seem unusually aloof, and why was he over-thinking this so much…
"You are really fucking confused, aren't you?" Natsu asked, frowning. "Or upset? I can't really tell. Are you uncomfortable talking about this?"
"Wh-Why do you say that?" Gray asked in surprise.
"Because your heart is going a mile a minute and your face looks…I don't know, not like your face."
"Not like my face?" Gray said sarcastically, raising his eyebrow.
"You don't usually look so consternated," Natsu huffed. "You've faced fucking monsters looking confident, and now you look like I'm going to…shame you again. I don't know."
Natsu looked down and Gray realized.
"No, not— Gods, Natsu, I forgave you for that. That was…that was us being us and yeah, it was wrong and it hurt, but you more than apologized and so I forgave you and that's…all in the past. No, I'm…"
"You're?"
Gray's mess of a mind sought a reply that wouldn't lead down dangerous paths.
"I am uncomfortable," he said, and it wasn't a lie.
"Sorry."
"I'm not very good at talking about this stuff."
"You don't have to be." Natsu's smile was friendly and comforting. "I doubt anyone truly is."
You certainly look comfortable. But that smile was calming him down, and Natsu must have sensed that, for his grin widened. Without warning, he reached over and covered Gray's fist. The touch wasn't long, but it wasn't brief, either. Gray knew it was meant to be reassuring, and it was, but it also made his pulse spike.
"It's weird when you look freaked out," Natsu commented with a laugh. "It's so not you."
"Yeah?" Gray challenged, trying to get back in the swing of their banter. "What is me?"
"You're you," Natsu said. "You're grumpy and you kick ass because you hate the world."
Gray laughed so hard his stomach ached, tension singing through him with each heave of breath.
"I do not fucking hate the world," he protested, but Natsu was laughing too, and they just kept sending each other chuckling. "Okay, maybe sometimes."
"Have you seen your face? You do nothing but scowl."
"Do not!"
"Okay, you don't, but it's your…maybe second-favorite expression."
"What's my first?" Gray asked.
Natsu tilted his head, and it couldn't be Gray's imagination that there was a pink tint around his freckles.
"Well…you don't do it as much, but since you look so happy when you do…I'd argue smiling."
Now Gray was definitely the one blushing, head ducking. He met Natsu's eyes and the contact didn't break away, the pair of them staring at each other until it was definitely awkward and Gray was having trouble breathing.
"Gray," Natsu said quietly, finally looking down, "I wouldn't normally ask this, but since your heart rate is a dead giveaway…"
"It is?" Gray interrupted.
"Um, yeah." Natsu swallowed, Gray watching his adam's apple rise and fall. "You're freaking the hell out."
"I…"
It was true.
"I can't decide if it's enthusiasm or panic, and if panic, whether the good or bad kind," Natsu said.
"Maybe both?" Gray croaked.
Natsu's hand jerked, arm tensing.
"Can I…" He looked at Gray through his lashes. "Kiss you?"
Gray stared at him. At Natsu's dark eyes, sincere and intent, his lips, the brown skin of his throat.
"Yes?" Gray squeaked.
The moment didn't feel real. It didn't feel like it was really going to happen. Gray was constantly alive as Natsu took his hand. As Natsu leaned in and bumped his nose against Gray's. Squeezing Natsu's fingers, Gray tilted his head, breath shallow. His entire focus was on the slow approach of Natsu's mouth.
When their lips brushed, gooseflesh broke out over Gray's arms and he shivered.
A quiet whine escaped his throat.
Natsu heard Gray's noise of longing and desire as he felt the warmth of Gray's mouth against his own. The touch was incredibly light, and that was almost too much for him. His heart beat so fast and Natsu's whole body felt large and lit up. Warm, perfect.
He brushed their lips together again, hearing Gray's breath catch while Natsu's own heart seized in reply.
"You're my best friend," Natsu murmured against Gray's mouth. Pulling back slightly, they stayed near enough to lean their foreheads together.
A flinch had crossed Gray's face.
"No, Gray, that's a good thing. I'm saying you're the one person who is closer to me than anyone else. You're special. You're…someone I'll search town for when you're upset, and whose doorstep I'll wait on because I want to spend time with you, and who I'll actually apologize to because you're worth it."
"So it's…real?" Gray asked, fearful uncertainty in his eyes.
Gray had no idea how attractive he was when he was vulnerable.
"It's real," Natsu breathed. "I thought it was just…normal? To feel this way. I thought attraction would be something out of nowhere, but this feels like it's always been there."
Gray nodded against him, eyes closed and face relaxed. "Like I've always felt this way about you."
Thrills ran through Natsu. If he'd had any doubts, that would settle them: Gray's admission made him feel like he could float off the ground.
"Yeah," he said, smiling and closing his own eyes.
He felt it when Gray leaned in to kiss him again, and he let it happen, tilting his chin to find Gray's lips. Gray was more insistent this time, pressing harder and dragging at Natsu's lip with his own. When his teeth nipped at Natsu's bottom lip, Natsu couldn't breathe, and Gray made a noise that was much louder than before, more wanting this time, eager and certain.
Gray's fear was gone, and in its place was his old confidence: the bluffness of when they faced down monsters side by side. Natsu loved it; he found things curling in his belly at the feel of Gray's power pushing against his own, Gray's strong body rolling over him and straining as Gray shifted to suck on Natsu's neck.
"Oh," Natsu gasped.
He didn't know it could feel this way.
Gray's arms on either side of Natsu's head were corded and trembling, and Natsu ran his fingers up the ridges of muscle, smiling affectionately at the brown skin he was so familiar with. Gray growled and nibbled his earlobe, eliciting a gasp from Natsu, who found himself losing control over his body as amazing sensations swept through him.
"You," Gray sighed, slowing his movements and pressing a final kiss to Natsu's throat before laying carefully atop him, head on Natsu's chest. Natsu's arms came up around him, hand rubbing up and down Gray's spine as he cupped Gray's head and shuffled his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.
Gray hummed.
"L-Like th… I like this," Natsu said, surprised and somewhat pleased how much his voice shook. "I didn't realize."
"Me neither," Gray said. "I haven't felt this way about many people, and none of them felt it back."
"I do."
"I can tell," Gray sighed, warm against Natsu's skin.
Natsu squeezed him.
"How long?" Natsu asked. "Since we talked about…you, and everything?"
"Since you outed me?" Gray snorted, but it was friendly, not accusatory. "Yeah. Long before."
"Long? How long?"
"Awhile."
Natsu humphed. "I'll get a number out of you at some point."
"Not today," Gray said. "That would be too embarrassing."
Natsu laughed and held him tighter. After several long minutes of cuddles, Gray slid down against Natsu's side and tucked himself there, the pair of them curled around each other and holding each other.
"I like you," Natsu said.
"I like you, too."
"Wanna do something about that?"
"Haven't we just?"
"Want to do more?"
Gray stretched enough to look him in the eye. "What kind of more?"
Natsu smiled.
"The good kind."
"The…" Gray's voice faltered. "The boyfriend kind?"
"Yeah." Natsu searched his eyes. "If you want to? I'm not out to anyone or anything, but I really like you."
"Yeah," Gray smiled. "I want to. And I don't mind about your out-ness."
"You can out me to everyone in recompense," Natsu teased. "It would be fair."
"Maybe I will," Gray chuckled. "Maybe I'll just hold your hand in the middle of the guildhall and let people figure it out."
Smiling, Natsu pressed his face against Gray's neck.
"I wouldn't mind."