Chapter Text
Chan sighed, rubbing his eyes to try and wake himself up, groaning when it just made his vision blurrier than it already was. He had been in the studio since early in the morning, working on the tracks for the album, which needed to be done by the next evening. By the time he was done it was already eleven in the night, and it wasn’t even that late, considering he was used to staying up until three or four in the morning at times, but he felt so tired he could fall asleep right then and there.
He saved his finished work one more time, to make sure it was really saved, then slumped against his chair. He knew he had to go back to the dorms, he couldn’t spend the night at the studio. His eyes closed without his permission. He forced them open again after a few seconds, and then sighed. Well… a little nap wouldn’t hurt anyone.
Chan woke up to his phone buzzing. He blinked confusedly before understanding what was going on and picking up his phone and answering it without even checking who it was on the other side.
“Hello?”
He said.
“Hyung? Where are you?”
It was Minho. Chan felt something stir inside of him.
“Studio.”
He mumbled. He took his phone away from his ear for a second, only to discover it was already two in the morning. He felt his eyes watering.
“Are you still working? Hyung, you should come home, it’s late, the kids…”
“Minho hyung…”
Interrupted Chan, voice wobbly. For a second there was silence, then Minho cursed. Chan whimpered at the bad word.
“Baby, hyung will be right there, ok?
Chan sniffed, feeling his eyes watering. He was so tired and stressed, he just wanted someone to hold him until he fell asleep.
“Otay.”
He replied. Minho promised to be quick and turned off the phone.
Chan finding out about ageplay had been an accident. He was fourteen when it happened, and he had been browsing the internet with Bambam when his eyes caught something at the bottom of the quiz page they were looking at. It was a test. ‘What kind of ageplay little are you?’, and what caught Chan’s eye was the picture. There was nothing too attention calling to it, but something about the teddy bear with the pacifier in its mouth made keep the image in his brain.
Later that day, when he was alone, he searched up the quiz, and a whole world opened up for him. He had been weirded out, at first. Not by the idea of ageplay, he actually thought it was a very interesting thing. But with himself, because what the hell? He was fourteen, living alone away from home. He had to be responsible and grow up quickly, he wasn’t supposed to want to wear kids’ clothes and play with toys.
He didn’t stop looking into the concept. He found it interesting and appealing. What he did do was repress the side of him that was trying to yell at him the he should at least consider the possibility of him being a little.
“There’s no way I’m like that.” He often told himself. “I don’t even have plush toys or anything a little kid would have.”
It was a shit excuse, but it was what he used in his favour.
His internal debate was solved when he was seventeen, and all of his friends had debuted or were set to debut, and he was still waiting, not knowing what the future held. He was now responsible for not only himself, but also another kid, a fourteen-year-old kid who looked at him as if he had hung the stars. Chan didn’t mind. Jisung was a cute kid, an easy to take care of. But it did add stress to Chan’s life, because he was responsible for someone else when he didn’t even feel like he could be responsible for himself.
And it was on one of Chan’s bad days, the day after Jisung had a homesickness crisis that Chan had to deal with, a day when Chan was reminded that he was left behind when all of his friends were already achieving their dreams. Everything was too much, and Chan locked himself away in his room and let himself cry, knowing that Jisung was at the company to practice. He let himself cry, then allowed his body to take over.
He ignored the part of his brain telling him that this was wrong and that he had to be responsible and an adult, and stuck his thumb in his mouth, letting it lull him to sleep. When he woke up he turned on the TV searching for cartoons, and cuddled up with one of Jisung’s stuffed toys, and let himself watch the animated characters playing on TV, finally relaxing for a bit.
It wasn’t an easy process, accepting that part of himself. It took a lot of research and many breakdowns during which Chan wondered why he was such a freak, and how would he achieve anything if he was busy playing like a toddler. He had managed, though. He had found support in the community, even though he didn’t really interact with anyone, and little by little he accepted that that was a part of him that would always exist, and that he had to deal with it.
He bought things for himself, things that were useful and easy to hide, and he slowly learned about himself and his little side. He learned about what he liked and disliked, he learned about his age range when he felt little, and he learned to accept himself almost fully. From time to time he questioned it, still, but mostly he was ok.
His friends finding out about it was... not so much of an accident.
Once Chan had his group formed and was satisfied with it, there were three people living with him at the dorms, and five others who often went over and stayed over after long days of practice. This made it harder for Chan to hide his things, and harder for him to find time to be alone and be little. That was one of the reasons that made Chan want to tell the others about his ageplay.
Besides that, Chan didn’t like hiding things from his friends. Ageplay, although he hesitated to admit that, was a big part of his life, and he didn’t want to hide such an important thing about himself from the others. They were a group, and they prided themselves on the fact that they knew each other well and always worked everything out through talking. So Chan felt like hiding his little space was unfair to them. He decided to tell them a few months after Felix joined.
It was a slow process. Chan’s plan was: tell them about ageplay in general. Then get them used to the concept. Then tell them. It was simple enough, but took time. Chan presented the term and concept of ageplay, acting as if he had just found out about it and thought it was interesting. On the first stage he got varying reactions. Jisung and Changbin seemed interested from the start. Jeongin, Seungmin and Minho seemed a bit weirded out. Felix and Hyunjin had joked about trying it to get out of work, which, Chan supposed, was positive in a way.
After that, he often talked to the others about it, still acting as if he was learning about this whole thing for the first time. Jisung and Changbin were always eager to hear him out, and Changbin had once even initiated the conversation himself. Hyunjin and Felix, too, soon got actually interested in the idea, and the other ones grew accustomed to hearing about it. Chan felt happy about the overall product of his effort.
After Chan was sure no one would react too badly if they learned about him, he started on a step he had added halfway through his plan. And it was subtly letting himself act little around the others for a while. It wasn’t hard. Chan often felt the urge to do things like bite his friends playfully and ask for cuddles when he was tired. Those were part of his little headspace, things he purposefully kept himself from doing because he knew they were childish. He figured it would help them get used to him being a bit childish at times.
And then came the hardest part. Actually telling them about himself.
He started with Changbin and Jisung, who had been the ones who showed more interest in the whole thing. He was nervous, actually shaking when he told them. Their reactions had been completely different, but positive nonetheless. Jisung had been so excited you would have thought he had been told he won the lottery. Changbin had a sparkle on his eyes, and had shyly asked Chan if they would ever get to see him be little, to which Jisung had squealed and begged to ‘please, please, please’ see it.
Chan had been so relieved he almost slipped, but he held back and told the two boys he wanted to tell everyone before trying being little around them.
Felix and Minho came next, because they had showed the biggest interest in ageplay after a bit of getting used to it. Felix reaction had been a mix of Jisung’s loud excitement and Changbin’s shy request to see him in little space, and Minho had just smiled.
“I knew it.”
He said. Chan tilted his head.
“You… knew?”
He asked. Minho nodded.
“You seemed really excited whenever you talked about it. And you can be quite childish when you’re tired or sleepy. And… I might have seen you sucking on your thumb once.”
Chan blushed at that. Felix squealed.
“Hyung, you suck on your thumb?”
Chan shrugged, playing with his shirt so that he wouldn’t have to face the others. He was mostly fine with his headspace now, but hearing his younger friend asking him if he sucked on his thumb was a bit embarrassing.
“Sometimes.”
He replied, glad they were all accepting. Felix was smiling excitedly.
“Oh, do you have a pacifier, then, hyung?”
Chan squirmed in his place.
“U-uhn, yeah, I do, actually.”
Felix squealing sounded scarily like a screeching cat.
“Hyung, that’s so cute! Can we see it? Can you use it now? Will you…”
Chan interrupted Felix, laughing a bit.
“I, not right now, cause I might slip, and, yeah, I don’t want that now. But one day. Soon.”
He said. Felix nodded eagerly, still bouncing in his place.
“That’s so cute, I can’t wait to know about this, hyung. Do you have other things?”
Chan laughed.
After a long round of questions, Minho shooed the younger boy away. He pouted and complained, but with a last request to see Chan being little soon he obeyed the older. Chan tilted his head at Minho.
“You’re slipping, Channie.”
Said the boy as an explanation. Chan blushed as he noticed he did really feel quite little at the moment. He bit on his lip.
“C-can you take me to bed, hyung?”
He asked. Minho smiled. Chan slept cuddled up against him, thumb securely between his lips.
The others were next, and Chan told them one by one. Hyunjin was the first. The boy had only smiled.
“I remember you said something about caregivers. That’s the term right? The people who take of people that regress?” Chan was surprised at how much Hyunjin had actually retained from their talks about ageplay. He nodded. “Right. I’m not sure I could ever be your caregiver, hyung, taking care of people is not my forte. But I want to see you in little space, and I wouldn’t mind cuddling little you now and then.”
He said. Chan smiled thankfully.
“Thanks, Jinnie. For accepting.”
He had said, and the boy had ruffled his hair.
“You’re our playful dedicated leader, Channie hyung. We love you no matter what and all of that cheesy bullshit, k?”
Chan laughed and nodded.
After Hyunjin came Jeongin.
Chan hadn’t been expected him to be so excited, but Jeongin had asked him as many questions as Felix, and by the end of it he was leading Chan to his bed and telling him to rest, before kissing his forehead. Chan woke up, in the next morning, embarrassed as fuck about the maknae, of all people, seeing him being little, but he was glad that so far everyone had accepted him.
Seungmin was the one who scared him the most. He had shown the least amount of interest, and although he had never said anything bad about ageplay he had never said anything good, either. So, needless to say, Chan was pretty worried about his reaction.
To Chan’s surprise, however, Seungmin the sweetest of all the members. Chan had stuttered a lot when trying to tell him, and hadn’t quite managed to get it out. Seungmin had taken his hand and squeezed it.
“Hyung, is this about that ageplay stuff you’ve been telling us about?” He asked. Chan blushed and nodded. Seungmin smiled. “And you’re trying to tell me you are a little, right?”
He asked. Chan’s eyes widened.
“How did you…?”
Seungmin shrugged.
“I pay attention to things, hyung. Sometimes you act like a little kid around us. You get excited at a lot of simple stuff, like flowers and animals, and you get distracted easily, and when we watch animations during movie night you seem to enjoy it a lot.”
Chan gaped at the boy. Seungmin chuckled.
“So you knew already?”
Asked the leader. Seungmin shook his head.
“I suspected.”
Chan nodded, a smile taking his face.
“And you don’t care?”
He asked. Seungmin shook his head.
“Not at all, hyung.”
Chan hugged him.
"Thanks, Seungminnie."