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Amidst the background buzz of overwhelming chaos, an inane memory suddenly pops into Shouta’s mind.
He doesn’t remember the exact day, just that it’s a little colder than he’d like. He barely remembers the place, but he does remember who he’s talking to.
“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you tell Hizashi you love him,” says Nemuri.
Shouta munches through a mouthful of rice from the bento his husband made for him. Oh. It must be lunch, then. “And?”
Nemuri shrugs. “I don’t know. I just hear Hizashi say it all the time.”
Shouta snorts. “Yeah, well, that’s probably because every other sentence out of his mouth is ‘I love you’.”
“But you never say it back.”
“In front of you, maybe.”
“Oh? But in private?”
Shouta sounds an noncommittal hum. The truth is that even in private he hardly says it at all. Feelings are, after all, illogical, and it shouldn’t matter whether he expresses them out loud or not. Besides, there’s no getting rid of Hizashi at this point. He has stubbornly chosen (against all odds) Shouta to love, and it doesn’t seem like there’s anything anyone can say to change his mind.
The present comes swirling back to Shouta: the dust from the collapsed building, the heat of scattered fires, the noise of a city under attack all around him. More pressing, however, is Hizashi’s body, sitting heavy in his lap and hot only in the places where he’s losing blood.
It doesn’t matter what Shouta says. By this point, Hizashi surely knows how much he is loved. But Shouta feels helpless, and with that old memory plaguing him, there’s only one thing he can think to do.
“I love you.”
The first time he says it, the words clearly sound out of practice. His throat squeezes on them and his tongue trips. Hizashi doesn’t stir.
“Hizashi, I love you,” he tries again, but the words are still wrong. They sound angry , and he’s not angry -not at Hizashi, at least.
He carefully moves one of his hands up to gently cradle Hizashi’s cheek. As his thumb wipes away some dirt on his cheekbone, he hopes to see Hizashi's eyes open. He'll even take a twitch from beneath his purpling eyelids. But still there’s nothing.
Shouta clenches his jaw.
“I love you,” he says again.
And again: “I love you.”
And again : “I love you.”
Still, Hizashi says nothing, does nothing but bleed in his arms.
An anguished sound, close to a cry, rips from Shouta’s throat, and he buries his face in Hizashi’s chest.
“Hizashi, please I-” He fights something back, some truth he can’t yet swallow, and says again, “I love you. I love you so much. I….”
“I know.”
The broken voice snaps Shouta back up. He looks down and sees Hizashi looking back up at him through half-lidded eyes.
“Hizashi!” Shouta moves to give Hizashi’s head better support. “Hizashi, you-”
“I love you, too,” Hizashi croaks, a strained smile on his colorless lips.
Shouta feels all the muscle twitches of crying, but his dry eyes won’t produce the tears. He doesn’t know what to do, so he just presses his forehead to Hizashi’s and holds him desperately.
“I love you.”
“I know.”
“You scared me.”
“I know.”
“You’re going to be okay.”
Hizashi doesn’t answer.
Shouta squeezes his arm. “Hizashi.”
“I- I know.”
Shouta pulls back and tenderly runs his calloused fingers through Hizashi’s matted hair. “Just hold on, okay? I’ll get you out of here. I’ll get you home safe.”
Hizashi smiles wider to hide that his eyes are closing again. “Okay. I trust you.”
“Hey, hey.” Shouta's hand falls back to Hizashi’s cheek. “Stay awake. You’re the one who’s supposed to do all the talking while I fall asleep, remember?”
A shallow breath pushes through Hizashi's nose that sounds almost like a laugh. “You're right. I'm sorry. I'll, uh, I'll try.”
“It's fine. Don't apologise. Just stay awake. I'll take care of everything else.”
Shouta starts moving to get a better hold on Hizashi for lifting him up, but he stops when he feels icy fingers weakly brush against his arm. He looks to Hizashi's face again, and while he's happy to see his eyes cracked open again, something still feels off.
“Shouta, let's just...stay. I'm sure someone will find us soon.”
Shouta shakes his head. “Hizashi, we don't have time to wait,” he insists as he grabs hold of Hizashi's hand. “You're freezing.”
“I don't know. Maybe you're just burning up. I always thought you were smokin’.”
Shouta rolls his eyes. “Really? Right now?”
“You said I'm supposed to do the talking. Stuff like that just, ya know, slips out...”
It just slips out. Hizashi doesn't even need to think to flirt with Shouta like they're back in high school again. He doesn't even need to think to tell Shouta he loves him. Hizashi's a natural. Shouta doesn't deserve him. He never did. Now he has so much time to make up for.
He squeezes Hizashi's hand. “I love you.”
“I know.”
“You keep saying that.”
“I know.”
“But how,” he brings Hizashi's freezing fingers up to his own cheek, seeking both to comfort and be comforted, “ how do you know?”
Hizashi smiles, and it's warm and tender and it almost puts the needed color back into his face. “Come on, it’s obvious, isn’t it? It’s the way you hold me, Sho. I've always known through that. Right now, your love is deafening. I can barely feel anything else.”
Shouta feels the air get pushed out of his lungs, and he's not sure how to take it back in. At first, he's overwhelmed by the sentiment of having been so clearly understood all along by the man he loves so dearly. He had been right not to worry. But when he thinks over Hizashi's final statement, breathing becomes hard for another reason. Hizashi not being able to feel anything else has nothing to do with love. He can’t feel because, because-
“Hizashi, there’s…” Shouta just can't bring himself to finish the thought. The hand that was holding Hizashi's freezing fingers comes back up to cup his cheek. “I have to get you out of here.”
“I know, I know...” Hizashi sighs, his smile staying as his eyes close again. “I guess… I just wanted all your attention on me for a moment.”
Shouta leans down, his lips trembling as he presses a gentle kiss to Hizashi's forehead. “Don’t be stupid. Like it could be on anything else right now.”
Hizashi weakly leans into Shouta's lips. “Yeah?”
The word is so soft, so scared. Shouta’s heart swells painfully in his chest.
“Of course.”
Hizashi's body gets a little heavier. How hard has he been fighting to hide his fear and exhaustion from Shouta as they talk? “I guess we can go, then.”
Shouta kisses him again. “Thank you.”
“Shouldn’t I be saying that to you,” Hizashi asks as Shouta carefully lifts the both of them from the ground. His hold on Hizashi is secure while being sure not to hurt him.
“Later. After I’ve actually done my job and kept you safe.”
“My hero,” Hizashi coos with barely a fourth of the energy Shouta’s used to from him.
Instead of responding, Shouta puts all his focus on moving forward. He’s hyper-aware of both the uneven ground and any moving shadows that could turn out to be villains trying to take advantage of their vulnerable state. Now that he has Hizashi in his arms, he won’t let a damn thing harm him.
“Sho,” Hizashi sighs. Or, at least, that’s what Shouta thinks he hears. The word is so soft, and it’s further muffled by Shouta’s shoulder. “I love you.”
Shouta stops. He shouldn’t, given the precariousness of Hizashi’s state, but he does.
Hizashi just can’t seem to help himself. Even when he should be flirting with death, there’s only one person on his mind and one phrase on his lips.
Shouta has only one response.
“I know.”