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Sora cried sometimes. What was weird, though, is that sometimes he cried and didn’t even know it. His companions would look at him with concern and he would reach up to discover his cheeks were wet. He never knew what set him off; he never felt anything at the time. But it passed, and he moved on, and he forgot about it. It was rare, and it wasn’t a problem.
But it escalated the day he met Lea.
After he woke up on the floor of Yen Sid’s study, after Donald and Goofy fussed over him and Mickey explained, after a moment to reassure himself that the sleeping Riku would be fine, he spotted the man he’d known as Axel leaning against the wall. Sora had really only met Axel a few times, and most of those times had been, mmm, antagonistic. But now, he could remember days spent together and sunsets on the clock tower.
Sora bounded across the room and stopped short moments before throwing his arms around the man he barely knew. He stared down at his own outstretched arms, confused. Slowly, he turned the gesture into an extended hand, which Lea looked at without shaking.
Mickey introduced him. Sora said, “Thanks,” and Lea responded, “No problem.” That was the extent of their interaction, but something fluttered in Sora’s chest. There was a familiarity, a warmth, a sense of relief, none of which Sora could explain - he barely knew this guy. Why did he feel like an old friend? Why did he feel like more than that?
He pushed that feeling away, but it was only the first. He found himself humming songs he’d never heard or craving food he’d never tasted. The clothes he wore weren’t the right style. He caught himself staring at sunsets. And of course, he remembered.
The memories belonged to Roxas. They’d met in the dream, when Sora had grabbed his hands and insisted that Roxas deserved to exist. He received a sad smile and a flood of memories. His head swam with them; they felt as vivid and true as his own. They were easy enough to sort out, when they were clear. If he was wearing a long black coat, or chatting with a Nobody, or holding two Keyblades, those weren’t his. Some were more ambiguous: visits to other worlds he was sure he’d been to, laughter with kids he thought he knew, a handmade pouch heavy with munny in his hand.
So, okay, fine. He remembered things Roxas remembered. That took a little getting used to, but it wasn’t a problem. The past was past, and even dark memories couldn’t hurt him. What was a problem was the feelings. Sora was a simple guy. He knew his own heart pretty well. But now, every so often, he disagreed with himself about something. It felt… weird. Uncomfortable. Like a lump in his throat or a lingering muscle cramp. But, again, that was fine. He could deal. Didn’t matter, really, if he picked something in the wrong favorite color, or slept curled up on his side instead of sprawled on his back.
And Sora had bigger feelings of his own to deal with right now. Back in Destiny Islands, just a couple days before King Mickey’s letter had arrived, he and Riku had admitted to each other that they were more than friends. Kairi had rolled her eyes and said, “Finally,” when they walked up to her holding hands. Riku blushed; Sora laughed. Then the letter arrived, sending them on an adventure where they were separated again, just close enough to feel each other but still so far away. And then, a brief reunion before being split apart once more. It wasn’t like they could protest. Sora kinda wished they had, though. But for now, at least, they each knew that the other was safe and well. And they were even able to sneak off together once in a while. Overall, it was still a big upgrade from the past couple years.
Lea only occasionally made an appearance, usually lurking in a corner somewhere when Sora visited Kairi. It seemed fair, for him to be a little distant. Now Sora had a much clearer idea of what Roxas had meant to him, and why Lea might not be excited to hang out with the person responsible for taking him away. But sometimes, he would catch Lea’s eye, and have trouble looking away. When Lea left a room as soon as Sora entered, it felt like some light inside of him was sputtering out. Every near-miss left Sora frowning.
And it got worse. Because when Sora thought about Riku, when he missed him, Lea kept popping up instead. A flash of brightly colored hair would make him stop in his tracks and spin around, searching. He would wake up and panic at unfamiliar surroundings, reaching for someone who should have been beside him. Donald and Goofy caught him spacing out, stopping halfway through movements he didn’t mean to make. He couldn’t quite explain; they couldn’t quite understand. He reached out to Kairi, but despite sounding sympathetic, she didn’t seem to be having the same issue.
He did know some other people who had been Nobodies, though - the former members of Organization XIII. The ones he knew about had taken up residence in Radiant Garden. While Sora wasn’t exactly friends with them, he’d met them and there was no ill will between them. Roxas had been on good terms with most of them. Dilan wasn’t someone to talk to about love; he still hadn’t gotten over whatever heartbreak made him such a grump. Aeleus was better, but didn’t seem like the best choice for talking about feelings. And Even was creepy.
And he couldn’t talk to Lea. Obviously.
So on a day when Sora could break away from training, he found his way into the basements of the Radiant Garden castle, to the lab where Ienzo had set up shop. The place had been unused, covered in a decade’s worth of dust, but the equipment was intact and functional. Ienzo had laid claim, cleaned it up, and started to work.
When Sora entered, Ienzo was tending to a table of glassware containing various liquids. He nodded acknowledgment without looking up. After an explosive early lesson, Sora had learned not to interrupt Ienzo’s experiments. Instead, he hopped up on a stainless steel countertop at the back of the room to wait. He had no idea what Ienzo was actually doing - spending a few years on a whirlwind adventure to save worlds from darkness didn’t leave much time for chemistry lessons. Things were bubbling, things were smoking, and a long curly glass tube was dripping something into a flask of green liquid. It looked cool, and that’s about all Sora could figure out.
After a few minutes, Ienzo set aside a round glass container of deep red, slightly opaque fluid. He carefully added several drops of something clear and stirred. Then he twisted the knob on a timer and stepped back.
“How can I help you today, Sora?” he finally said, reviewing the arrangement in front of him.
“I wanted to ask you something,” Sora replied, kicking his feet against the cabinet he sat on. “Do you have some time to talk?”
Ienzo nodded. “Yes, actually, now would be perfect. I have some time.” He turned deliberately away from the table.
Sora peered past him. “What are you working on, anyway?”
“A little bit of chemistry, a little bit of alchemy.” He looked over his shoulder at the equipment. “In general, interactions between samples from Heartless, Nobodies, and various other substances. Specifically, I believe I’m close to developing something that could repel Heartless. If this -“ he pointed at the red flask “- turns black before that timer rings, it means I’ve failed.”
“Huh. Cool.” Sora tilted his head. “Is that what you’re always up to down here?”
“Something along those lines, yes.” He rubbed his chin. “The laws of nature don’t seem to apply to the Heartless and Nobodies. They consume mass and produce energy in ways that shouldn’t happen. Magic often ignores physics, but usually follows its own rules, and in matters of the heart even those seem to be out of order.” Ienzo shook his head gently. “I want to know how they operate, and how they interact with our world. Perhaps something can be done to stop them before they manifest, or to protect people from their attacks.”
Sora narrowed his eyes. “Hang on, isn’t experimenting on Heartless what started this whole mess in the first place?”
“I’m not experimenting on Heartless, per se.” Ienzo wasn’t great at looking innocent. “Just comparing samples. It’s very different.”
“Uh-huh.”
Ienzo cleared his throat. “You said you wanted to ask me something?”
“Yeah.” Sora sighed. “So, uh. Do you ever do things that you… don’t mean to?”
Ienzo, lifting an eyebrow, waited for him to elaborate.
“Like, uh. Like, you laugh at something, but it’s not really funny? Or you cry but you’re not sad. Or you feel…” Sora rubbed the back of his head. “Things that aren’t yours?”
Ienzo leaned against the counter, rubbing his chin. “I assume, since you’ve come to ask me about this, that you suspect it’s connected to the Nobodies.”
Sora puffed out his cheeks. “Yeah,” he answered. “I think Roxas - I think I’m doing things he would have done? I think I’m feeling… his feelings.” He winced, wishing he could explain better.
“Hmm.” Ienzo looked sideways at Sora. “And you wanted to ask a former Nobody if they were having a similar experience.”
“Right.”
Ienzo sighed. “It’s not something I’ve noticed, no. But then, the situation with you and Roxas was unique. It’s not surprising that something like this might happen.”
Sora tilted his head. “It’s not?”
“Considering the circumstances…” He hesitated. “You’d probably be better off talking to Even about this. Hearts are more of his expertise.”
“Yeah, but… I’d have to go to his lab…”
Ienzo sighed. “It is creepy in there, isn’t it?”
“Why does he have so many dolls!”
Ienzo smiled. “All right, then. I do have some theories.” He paused for a moment. “The body reacts to the heart,” he started. “When something good happens, you smile. When something bad happens, you cry. But it’s not actually that simple. Rather, when something good happens, you feel happy. That feeling is what makes you smile.” He started to pace. “As Nobodies, we were disconnected from our hearts. We could not feel. So when something good happened, it didn’t make us happy. But we would smile anyway, because that’s what we had learned. That’s what one does when one is happy. We compensated for the lack of feelings with our experience, mimicking the people we were before.” Ienzo paused in his pacing to look at Sora, who nodded. A lot of this stuff went over his head sometimes, but Ienzo was pretty good at breaking it down.
“I don’t suppose you know about the nervous system,” Ienzo said, eyeing Sora.
“Uh.” Sora furrowed his brow in concentration. “The brain, right?”
“Generally, yes. There are things we do that the brain controls.” He raised a hand demonstratively. “I am taking, I am moving my hand; these are things my brain is telling my body to do. At the same time I am breathing, I am blinking, my heart is beating, all without conscious effort. The body operates independently of the brain.”
“But I can control my breathing,” said Sora. He took a deep breath. “See?” He paused. “I’m having trouble not controlling it now, actually.”
“Exactly the point. Your body breathes without you, but you can deliberately interrupt and control it manually. Now, replace the brain with the heart. Instead of breathing, think of laughing or crying. As Nobodies, we could identify a situation that would make us laugh, but our bodies did not react automatically to the heart. We had to make ourselves laugh, like how you are making yourself breathe.
“Roxas was different,” Ienzo continued, resuming his wandering. “When he arrived, he was blank. Unlike the rest of us, he did not remember who he had been. He did not know how to react to the world. When something good happened, he did not know to smile. But he learned. He developed his own reactions, learned what was good and what was bad, independently from you. Certainly, some imprint of you drove that development, but he was not mimicking Sora the way Zexion mimicked Ienzo.” He stopped again, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “I suspect that is why he developed a heart so quickly. A heart controls one’s responses to the world. When one learns those responses without a heart, they have something driving them, don’t they? At that point the difference between that and a heart seems academic.” He looked at Sora again, who nodded, but more slowly. He thought he understood most of that. At least, enough to get the point. Maybe.
“By the time Roxas rejoined you,” Ienzo said, getting back to the central topic, “he had a heart, or something much like one. And that heart did not disappear. This is not the case with the rest of us. Zexion did not have enough of a heart to linger inside Ienzo. But Roxas’s heart is inside you. And Roxas’s heart is doing what hearts do. It’s feeling. If something happens that makes Roxas happy, his heart feels happy.”
“Even if it’s not something that makes me happy…” Sora said slowly.
Ienzo nodded. “Precisely. There are, within you, different hearts. And while you may be aligned much of the time, there will be things you disagree on.”
“So then, when I cry...”
“That is likely your body reacting to Roxas’s feelings instead of your own. It receives a signal, and it acts.” Ienzo reached forward and tapped on Sora’s chest. “Roxas’s heart may not have a body to express with, but it still feels.”
“Huh.” Sora looked down at his chest. “So what do I do?”
"Do? I don’t know. What do you usually do with feelings?” Ienzo shrugged. “Do that.”
Sora rolled his eyes. “Gee, thanks.”
“I’m a chemist, not a therapist.”
Sora looked past Ienzo back at the table. “Speaking of, your thing changed.”
Ienzo spun around to see the flask, now containing an opaque black liquid. He sighed. “Excuse me a moment.” He reached past Sora to grab a notebook, which he opened in the middle. Sora craned his neck to see a long list of words and symbols, mostly marked off with little red X’s.
“Boy, you’ve been doing a lot down here, huh?”
“Yes, and I’ve made very little progress,” Ienzo muttered, writing in another X.
“Think of it this way,” Sora chirped. “You’re one step closer to knowing all the things that don’t work. And that makes you closer to knowing what does!”
Ienzo sighed and set down the notebook. “I appreciate that. But I’d rather not have to brute force my way through a thousand possibilities.”
Sora hopped down off the counter. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Not at the moment.” Ienzo returned to the table of glassware and picked up the beaker that had changed, holding it up to the light. “I’ll be sure to let you know.”
Sora left him there and breathed a sigh of relief when he reached the surface and sunlight touched his skin. The basement of the castle always made him feel a little claustrophobic. It reminded him of something bad that he couldn’t quite remember.
He wondered if that was his feeling.
Sora knew what to do with feelings, generally. Usually he just acted on them. He’d never been big on keeping things bottled up. So he had a pretty good idea of what he wanted to do, with all these big new feelings, and the people they were about. The problem was, he also very much did not want to do some of those things. With some of those people. And it was getting harder to tell which was which.
Who did this sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach belong to?
Between working with Mickey to find the way to the realm of darkness and helping with training Kairi and Lea, Riku didn’t have a lot of time left over to relax. And time with Sora was even rarer, considering his stringent training schedule.
The two boys had had a lot to talk about, back when they were on Destiny Island. Since then, they’d been divided, first by the Mastery exam and now by their responsibilities. One thing or another always seemed to keep them apart. But once in a while, the stars aligned and they both had a day off. So when Riku got the call from Sora that he’d be free, they seized the opportunity to hike out to the grassy hills at the base of Mount Olympus for a picnic. Minnie, upon hearing Riku’s plans, had packed a wicker basket with sandwiches and fruits, topping the whole thing with a classic gingham blanket. Daisy had contributed a knowing wink and some kind of pastry buried in whipped cream.
“It’s so hard,” Sora was complaining, stretched out on the grass. “Phil never lets up. And half the stuff doesn’t even make sense as training! Honestly, I think a lot of it is just his chores.”
“That’s what you get for slacking off,” Riku said, munching on a sandwich. “You had a nice long nap, and now you have to make up for it.”
“I know.” Sora sat up. “I wish we were at least doing the same things, though. I barely get to see you.”
“We’re here now, aren’t we?” Riku squeezed Sora’s hand. “Might as well enjoy it while we can.”
Sora looked down at Riku’s hand on his and sighed. “I need to talk to you about something, actually.”
Riku set down the sandwich. “What’s up?” he asked casually, ignoring the sick feeling in his stomach.
“Okay, so.” Sora took a deep breath. “I’ve been feeling Roxas a lot more lately. I think maybe when I met him in the dream, it triggered something? But I can remember a lot of his memories now. And sometimes I feel something that’s not really mine? So. The thing is.” He stared at the ground. “I think I might be in love with Lea.”
Riku choked back a laugh. “Sorry, did you say Lea? As in, used-to-be-Axel Lea?”
“Yeah.” Sora hunched over, picking at the grass. “I think it’s Roxas, though. I think Roxas is in love with Lea and I’m just… feeling it.” He frowned. “He’s affecting me.”
Riku looked out toward the horizon, tapping his fingers on his chin. “Roxas is in love with Lea,” he said, “and since Roxas is inside your heart, now you’re in love with Lea.”
“No! I - maybe.” Sora bit his lip. “I keep thinking about him. I almost - every time I see him I just want to run to him, y’know? I can’t help it. And I want - “ He shook his head and turned pleading eyes to Riku. “I don’t, though. I don’t know what to do. I’ll understand if you - if it’s a problem, and you don’t - “
He was crying. Automatically, Riku reached for him. “Hey.” Riku wrapped his arm around Sora’s shoulder. “C’mere.” He pulled him into a hug and held him there.
“I’m sorry,” Sora muttered, tears flowing. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Hey. I get it.” Riku reached down and tilted Sora’s chin up. “You think I don’t understand having someone else rattling around in there? Me, of all people?”
Sora smiled weakly. “I guess you might.”
Riku nodded. “So Roxas is in there, with his own feelings.” He paused, thinking it over. Somehow, the jealousy he would have expected wasn’t there. He really did get it, having someone else inside you, controlling you. He’d spent a long time fighting that. He knew exactly how hard it could be. He knew how it hurt.
Riku came to a decision. “What’s important to me,” he said, “is how Sora feels. Not Roxas, or Lea, or anyone else.” He smiled. “How do you feel, Sora?”
Sora looked up at him, blue eyes watering, and said, “I love you, Riku.”
Riku leaned down and kissed Sora gently. “There,” said Riku. “That seems pretty clear to me.” He leaned back and lay down, looking skyward.
Sora curled up next to him and snuggled close. “Are you sure?” he asked quietly. “It’s okay?”
“It’s okay,” Riku confirmed, one hand on Sora’s hair. “It’s someone else’s feelings. That doesn’t bother me.”
“It bothers me,” Sora grumbled. “I don’t want to feel it.”
Riku patted Sora’s head. “You should talk to Lea.”
“What?” Sora sat up quickly. “I can’t do that!”
“Why not?”
“It’s - he’d - that’s not - I don’t want to!” he finally spat out.
“No, you don’t,” Riku answered, gazing up at his panicky boyfriend. “But someone in there does, right?” He reached up and tapped on Sora’s chest. “And I’d be willing to bet he’ll feel a lot better if you do. You don’t have to fight him, Sora, at least not for my sake.”
Sora groaned, but he stopped and closed his eyes for a moment. If he just pushed aside his own feelings for a second, just lifted them up to peek underneath, he knew Riku was right. He didn’t want to talk to Lea about this, and he didn’t love him. But there was love for Lea inside him and he was going to have to deal with that.
Riku tapped the ground next to him. “Alright, get back down here. If you spend any more of our date talking about another guy I might get jealous after all.”
Sora laughed and lay back down next to Riku. He could deal with the Lea feelings some other time. Right now, he had some Riku feelings to see to.
Working off a tip from Kairi, Sora found Lea on the beach outside Twilight Town. Compared to the bright sands and brilliant blue sea of Destiny Islands, this beach was dull. The water was gray, the sand was brown, and there wasn’t a palm tree or leafy fern in sight. Sora just felt homesick here. He was also excited to be here at last, smelling the salt air and feeling the sand under his feet. That one wasn’t his feeling.
He spotted Lea from way off, still wearing his dumb black coat. Sora marched across the sand and stood in front of him, blocking his view. “I need to talk to you.”
Lea hadn’t been avoiding Sora, exactly. He liked the kid well enough. But something about him grated. It was little things - smiling too widely, talking too loud, moving too quick. All the little ways in which he was almost Roxas, but wasn’t. It was like getting low calorie sweetener when you expected sugar.
Technically Roxas was the sweetener but hey. Some people liked sweetener.
But here he was, so Lea gestured to the sand next to him. “Pull up a chair.”
Sora plopped into the sand just a few inches from Lea and wiggled around a bit to get comfortable. “I have some things I need to say,” he began, looking up at Lea.
Lea nodded, not looking down. “I’m listening.”
Sora took a deep breath. “Something happened while I was trapped in the dreams. I met Roxas.” Lea glanced toward Sora at that, but Sora was fixated on the sand between his feet. “And now I remember a lot more. What he did, what happened. Mostly, how he felt.” Sora shook his head. “How he feels. And it’s mostly about you.”
Lea opened his mouth to respond, but hesitated and closed it again without speaking.
Sora pressed on. “He’s in here.” Sora closed a fist over his heart. “And I can feel his feelings. But they’re his, not mine. I’m not him and he’s not me. He’s just in here.”
Lea sighed. “So you came here to tell me you’re not Roxas?” He rolled his eyes and looked back out over the ocean. “I figured that one out myself, thanks.”
Sora frowned. “No, it’s not just - I needed to tell you. I need to - I’m feeling his feelings, and they’re all about you. And I don’t know what to do with them.” Sora dug his fingers into the gray sand. “I think he loves you.” He shook his head. “I know it. And I’m not - you’re a nice guy, but I don’t love you, but I’m feeling his love for you.” He ran that sentence through his head again and winced. “If that makes sense.”
“I think I got it.” Lea had definitely latched onto some keywords in that mess. Somewhere along the way, all that time without a heart, he’d lost the knack for identifying his own feelings. But he didn’t think this was surprise. It was softer than that. Relief, maybe? Or satisfaction? Something warm. Maybe there just wasn’t a word for it. Language hadn’t had much cause to come up with terms for feelings you developed without a heart, and then when you got one again they intensified until you couldn’t stand it, but there was nothing you could do because the subject of those feelings had mostly ceased to exist, but then you find out that he’s still around, sorta, and he loves you too.
It wasn’t exactly a universal experience.
“I’m sorry,” Sora said. “I know I’m the reason he’s not here. He deserves better.”
Lea looked over at Sora. The kid looked miserable, with his knees pulled to his chest and his eyes fixed on the ground. Lea had never seen him looking so sad.
He looked so much like Roxas.
Lea wanted to do what Axel never could, to lean over and wrap the boy in his arms, to comfort and console and hold him close. But he settled for reaching out and resting a hand between his shoulder blades.
He didn’t expect Sora to roll into his touch, to bury his face in his shoulder and press their bodies together. And with one arm tangled around him it was basically a hug already, so might as well wrap the other one around him too. He held him for a moment, warm and heavy and real. Sora pulled back, just enough to look up at Lea, and he really did look like Roxas, especially the eyes, the eyes were exactly the same.
Sora stretched upward and kissed him.
And Lea, after a moment of shock, let that heart of his take over. He closed his eyes, stopped seeing, stopped thinking, and just felt.
He felt Roxas.
Lea had no idea how long it was until Sora jerked backwards, stammering, just realizing what he’d done.
“That was - it was - “
Lea waved a hand dismissively. “It’s alright. I get it.” He leaned back, settling into the sand where he was before, face deliberately blank.
Sora settled back into the sand and buried his face in his hands. “Sorry,” he muttered. “It wasn’t me.”
“It’s okay.” Lea took a deep breath and fixed his eyes on the horizon. “I understand.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes. When Lea could bring himself to look at Sora again, he saw tears running down his face.
“You’re doing that thing.”
Sora blinked. “Huh?”
“You’re crying.” Lea reached out and wiped a tear off Sora’s cheek. “Not your tears, right?”
“Oh. Yeah.” Sora rubbed his eyes. “Right.” He looked down at himself, as if he could see through to his heart. “You can talk to me,” he said cautiously. “If he was here, if you could talk to him, what would you say?”
Lea sighed. “I miss him. I wish he was here.” He smiled. “But I bet he already knows that.”
“Yeah. Doesn’t mean it isn’t nice to hear it. He misses you too.” Sora nodded. “I don’t know how to do it, but I’ll bring him back. I’ll figure it out. You will see him again.” He rested one hand lightly on Lea’s. “Until then…I’m here.”
Lea scoffed. “Listen, no offense, but you’re not exactly my type.”
Sora flicked sand at him. “I am exactly your type, and that’s the problem!”
Lea laughed. “Well somebody thinks pretty highly of himself, hmm?” He paused. “He’s really in there, huh?”
Sora nodded.
“Good to know. Thanks.” Lea stood up and stretched. “Look, I’m not gonna get all mushy with you. It’d be way too weird.”
“I don’t want that either,” Sora declared. Then, blushing just a little, “I think Roxas might.”
Lea grinned. “I’ll wait until he’s back, then.” He brushed sand off his coat and offered a hand down to help Sora up. “You wanna get some ice cream?”
Sora took his hand. “Ice cream sounds great.” He stood, holding Lea’s hand for a few seconds longer than necessary before snatching his hand away. “Sorry.”
“No worries.” Lea ruffled Sora’s hair. “I love you too, Roxas.”
Something inside Sora’s chest burst, and he smiled. Not his usual wide toothy grin, but something a little more reserved, still genuine. Lea smiled back and started walking. Sora closed his eyes and gave himself a moment to just feel that happiness, without worrying about where it came from. Then he ran a few steps to catch up to Lea.
“Can we get sea salt? I’ve never tried it, but I think I'll love it.”