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Alec walked into the room and immediately noticed Magnus laying flat on his back on the couch, absently staring up at the ceiling. “Magnus?” Alec watched as Magnus turned his head and gave him a strained smile before seemingly taking a second to prepare himself.
“Alexander! I thought you wouldn’t be here today.”
Alec looked at him suspiciously, he still hadn’t made a move to get up and greet him like he normally would. In fact, Magnus laying on the couch like that was suspicious in itself. “Are you okay?”
A flash of something flickered through Magnus’ eyes before he pushed his legs off the couch, moving into a sitting position, immediately leaning back into the couch. He appeared to be focusing on his breathing if Alec had to guess. He smiled but it was obviously laboured, “of course, why wouldn’t I be?”
“Magnus, I don’t mean to pry but I think something more has been off with you. I can’t begin to understand how hard losing your magic is but I do understand you need to work through some of it by yourself. But this?” Alec gestures vaguely at his posture, tense and uncomfortable, “Magnus, talk to me.”
“Alexander, really, I’m fine.”
If Alec had walked in on this at any other time he would’ve assumed his boyfriend was injured or hiding something but this behaviour had been going on since he lost his magic. “You’re not, I just can’t figure out what’s going on. It’s like you’re physically in pain-wait, losing your magic isn’t harming you, right? You’re not dying or something?” There was a slight panic building because why didn’t he consider this.
“I’m not dying, calm down, I just,” Magnus appeared to be wearing down slightly before changing direction, “I’m just getting used to life without magic, that’s all.”
Alec wavers, maybe he’s overreacting. How would he be if he was stripped of his runes? Strange behaviour isn’t the most bizarre thing that could come out of dealing with something like that. It feels like Magnus is just admitting he’s struggling to adapt in order to cover something else up, he’d like to think he knows his boyfriend well but maybe he’s just misreading the situation here. His boyfriend looks like he’s sweating at this point and his face is pinched, the epitome of uncomfortable.
Alec sighs and walks over to him. Sitting down facing him, he does not miss the wince that crosses Magnus’ face and certainly does not miss the sharp intake of air with a shaky exhale as he sits. He freezes, “Magnus, is this about me? Do you not want me near you?” His connection to Jace and Magnus giving up his magic…
Magnus turns sharply and lets out a little noise of pain with a grimace, “absolutely not, that’s not it. Look, I promise to explain it to you but please let me lay back down now.”
Alec jumps off the couch, slightly confused but willing to do whatever Magnus needs. He lifts his feet up onto the couch carefully, watching pain flickering on and off Magnus’ face. He guides Magnus’ head down to a pillow so he’s flat on his back again, watching as Magnus takes a few deep breaths. Alec waits until his breathing calms down. “Magnus, if you were hurt, I really need to know that sort of thing.” He’s worried but trying not to push too much.
Magnus looks at him then sighs and looks back at the ceiling, “I promise I’m not hurt. This is, this is a centuries-old problem, Alexander.”
“Oh. Is it...what is it?” Alec sits down on the floor facing his boyfriend, grabbing Magnus’ nearest hand between his, rubbing it gently.
“Have you ever heard of chronic pain?”
Alec frowns, he has but that’s normally in older shadowhunters, ones who were injured badly. Does Magnus…? Huh. “I have.”
“Well,” Magnus gestures to himself, “exhibit A.”
Alec thinks this over, “were you injured at some point?”
Magnus hums, “a long time ago, nothing severe though. Just twisted funny and suddenly, pain in my abdomen.”
“Where in your abdomen? How long?”
“Bottom left,” Magnus places his free hand just above his hip, “I was a teenager at the time, someone threw something at me and I twisted to catch it.”
Alec sucks in a breath, “and you’ve been in pain for centuries? What’s it like?”
“It feels sharp, sometimes tearing, sometimes stabbing, it varies a bit. Not exactly.” He doesn’t elaborate on that.
Alec pushes though, “what happened then? Did something help?”
“Not much helped at first, in fact, nothing did, except laying flat on my back, which ultimately caused other parts of my body to hurt.”
Alec can tell he’s avoiding telling him something but he leaves it be for now. “Pain medications?”
“What do you think we had back then?”
“Oh,” dumb question, Alec thinks, “but, these days? Could they help you?”
“Did you know I had a point where my magic was temporarily blocked from me not all that long ago? The pain came back full force. Catarina took me to the hospital when I was having one of my worse pain episodes, worse as in if she didn’t have magic to check me over she’d ‘be damn sure I was dying.’ They gave me morphine, Alexander. It certainly made me less aware of my surroundings but it didn’t dull the pain at all.”
“Your magic being blocked caused it to come back? Magnus, was your magic helping you?” Alec seemed slightly horrified, had they taken away something that was even more crucial to Magnus than they realised? This was definitely what Magnus was trying to avoid telling him.
Magnus was quiet for a bit before visibly struggling to word a reply. “It did, sort of. It wasn’t an exact science. It was messy and it didn’t make a whole lot of sense but it did help. Magic can’t cure chronic pain generally, the exceptions usually aren’t chronic. But when you’re the one who has the magic, you can bend it a bit to help, to lessen the pain, even if you can’t remove it entirely, even if you’re just essentially masking it.”
“We have to get your magic back.” It’s a statement and Alec says it firmly.
“Alec, I can deal with this. I just have to get used to it again. It’s just been a while since I’ve had to live with the pain turned up like this.”
Alec sighed, “I don’t doubt you can, but you shouldn’t have to suffer if we can do something about it.”
“Even if I wanted it back, which I do, of course, it wouldn’t exactly be easy.”
“Magnus, I would do anything. This isn’t you. The past couple of weeks, they haven’t been you. I mean, it’s you, but toned down dramatically, and that just doesn’t sit right with me.”
Magnus smiles, “Alec, it’s a bad day,” he pauses, “bad days. Not a bad life. I’ll get there”
Alec doesn’t answer.
“The pain fluctuates, Alexander. There’s good days and bad days. You learn to adapt and live anyway. It’s a process but you’ve got to keep your head up. Depression and chronic pain don’t go well, they feed off each other, I’ve been through that cycle and it’s best I just stay positive.”
“I don’t like it.”
Magnus laughs before wincing slightly, the pain obviously having been agitated, “I don’t exactly love it either, Alec, but it’s still a life worth living, especially if I have you here.”
Alec smiles slightly, “I’m not giving up on the magic side of things but, I’m going to be here for you.”
Magnus looks at him fondly, “I know you will. Two determined people, we’ll make this work.”
“And if you ever need anything-”
“I’m sure you’ll offer before I have the chance to ask, but I won’t keep it to myself.”
“Thank you. I guess it’s not easy, openly admitting you’re in pain and need help?”
Magnus looks surprised, “that’s awfully perceptive, Alexander.”
“Well, you managed to not tell me for weeks and I know you trust me, so it must be hard.”
“You get used to hiding it from people, it’s a facade you put on to the public constantly and sometimes it gets hard to let people into that area of your life. Some people keep it all to themselves, some let others know through humour, jokes, other’s are completely honest that they’re not okay, we’re all different.”
Alec hums thoughtfully, “I suppose the latter is looked down upon.”
“They are. It’s not fair, but you’re right. If you’re in pain, you’re expected to hide it. If you hide it, people are disappointed you didn’t let them know, that you didn’t trust them. If you use humour, it must not be that bad. You can’t really win.”
“Whatever you want Magnus, however you want to act around me, I’d never judge.”
“I know, I’m the first category and you’re not disappointed as far as I can tell.”
“Of course I’m not, I would never be.”
Magnus stands up from the couch, turning his hand to grab Alec’s hand. “Shall we move to the bed? More space.”
Alec scrambles up hurriedly, “wait, are you okay?”
Magnus sighs. “Alec, I love you and I know you mean well, but I have a reflex reaction to strangle people when they ask if I’m okay. It’s usually not genuine and they don’t really care and I’m fine, I’m managing and I hate it. I’m okay. The pain has gone down for now and I’d like to take that opportunity to move. Standing here is making it worse so…”
Alec practically flees to the bedroom, “yes! Let’s go immediately. You should tell me more.”
Magnus laughs and makes his way there at a slower pace, looking content with the situation. “Did you know they all but kicked me out of the hospital? ‘There’s nothing physically wrong with you so you’re just taking up space other people actually need, it’d be best if you left.’ It kind of hurt coming from a doctor.”
“They said what.”