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Time was essential. Time was important. Time told her when she should do something and when not, when she needed to wait and when she had to rush into things ahead of her. And Lara constantly felt like she was choking, because she had no time but she desperately needed it.
She wanted to be next to Jonah, watching his progress, seeing if he healed well. She needed some time for herself to think things through. She needed time to make important decisions, to let her wounds heal, to summarize everything what had happened with her. But she also needed to stop Trinity, to stop Ana getting the Divine Source, she needed to face with them because if she won’t then who will?
Time. Being as old as the universe itself and the cruellest thing being ever created, but also desperately needed and if only she could have some more of it… maybe then she could step forward than backward, maybe she could find her balance point and just know what she has to do. Maybe she would be less lost.
She was so tired, tired all of this, seriously considered maybe it was enough of her hunting after the next myth and finding the truth behind it. Maybe she should take some break. Maybe she lost too much already.
Lara knew she should get up and leave the forest behind – the secret entrance was waiting for her, the sound of the explosions from the glacier was clearly audible as Trintiy tried to force themselves under it with no luck yet: the ice was thick and hard, but it was just the question of time and they will succeed, she knew it. She was wasting her perfect opportunity to get the Source before them.
Still she was unable to move and maybe also uninterested a bit as well, too tired and too overwhelmed. If she goes down like this there is a huge chance she will never come back and that wasn’t her main goal: needed a clear head to think her moves through, but for that she also needed to be a bit more balanced.
Everything was a fucking huge mess in her head now.
Can’t she just disappear and doesn’t mind the world with its problems? Why she is the one who has to solve everything?
The fresh snow was crunching under heavy steps, getting closer to her, but she didn’t give any sign of hearing them. A man approached, telling Jonah was conscious and she could visit him if she wished to do. Rising, silently followed him back toward the buildings, wondering if Jacob sent the man, giving her a chance to talk with her friend, before going into Kitezh.
Probably yes, it was him. Still very attentive, she thought, wasn’t sure if it hurt or angered her even more; it reminded her to the Jacob she knew, but right now she didn’t know if she truly knew him.
As they walked next to the Observatory, Lara tried her best not to look after a glimpse of a blue coat or a pair of sad blue eyes. She didn’t look anywhere, only ahead of herself, following her guide to a smaller building - it still was in a good shape with the standing walls and ceiling. The man stopped, motioned forward – she had to go in alone.
“The passage is open. Whenever you are done and ready…”
She nodded at him, stepped forward.
Thankfully seeing Jonah was something she couldn’t consider as a bad thing. It wasn’t his corpse she was visiting. Almost, but it wasn’t. Jonah was up and alive, sat up on his quickly-made bed, looked a bit pale and tired, but beside that he looked… good. Even if she was highly emotionally unstable, despite everything what happened with her in the last few hours, seeing Jonah well and alive put a smile on her face, hurried at his side, reaching out to touch him.
“Hey. How are you feeling?”
He smiled back, welcomed her greeting.
“Better. A bit weak, but I was told I will be just like my old self soon enough. But I also heard what you are up to…”
Clearly disapproved it, but he won’t stop her, Lara knew that. He never did. It was something they both knew she had to do, so it was pointless to try to keep her back from it.
“Yeah. Just a usual day in the office.”
They laughed about that, because what else they could do?
Once it wore off, he looked at her. Lara could see how carefully Jonah observed her features. She probably wasn’t at her best: dirty, tired, overused with red and puffy eyes from the crying before.
“You look like shit.” Painfully honest, just like always. Lara deeply appreciated that trait in him.
Sighed, found no reason why she should pretend anything. “I feel like shit.” admitted “I just want to reach the end of it.” She really did, almost craved to go back to the civilized world, get on a plane, go home and try to forget Kitezh and everything she experienced here as fast as she could. Was it too much for her? Didn’t really recognize her boundaries this time?
He didn’t say anything for a minute, knowing very well he couldn’t just squeeze things out from Lara. She was a hard nut to crack open and needed to be done in her own pace or else her shells hardened even more and no man could break through them.
“Jacob also looks like shit…” started very gingerly. It was clearly a sensitive topic for her, he could tell the way she dropped her eyes and tensed up.
Honestly, Jonah wasn’t blind neither stupid – he didn’t spend many time in Kitezh and around the Remnant leader, but he didn’t need to. When he was reunited with her, when Lara brought the Atlas back and they examined it in the Observatory, right before it fell onto their heads… Lara just like any other time was overexcited and on fire, clearly enjoying solving the puzzle. She was very good in this, her bright intelligence literally sparkled in moments like this, finally getting enough stimulation, have something to work on. It was nothing Jonah didn’t see before. It was Jacob who grabbed his attention.
The older man looked a bit cautious – which Jonah found a bit strange – but also deeply impressed with her and looked at Lara with such… admiration and even love. It didn’t really require a lot of effort to put the two and two together and see Lara had Jacob’s attention not just as her ally.
According to now, seeing Lara like this and even if Jacob wasn’t telling him much – or anything at all – but couldn’t hide his pain from him, even if he tried his best, was a clear sign of that it wasn’t a one-sided thing only.
Not like Jonah had any knowledge about Lara’s love-life either, but the little bit he knew about her was just enough to know she was a loner, dived into her work and legends and almost being obsessed with it. He often told her to take it easy, have some fun – she was 23 after all, she should have friends, fun times and a boyfriend, not constantly risking her life – but she joked about it, avoiding the topic and Jonah didn’t force it either.
Now, seemingly she found someone, but something shit happened.
She didn’t react to his sentence, but also didn’t try to sneak away from it, so her friend kept pushing a bit.
“Lara… what happened?”
Closed her eyes for a moment, Lara hesitated.
Jonah was a friend. A friend. He won’t judge, he won’t say anything bad, he just wanna help – she knew this. It still was difficult to open up and tell everything to him, she just couldn’t do that. But didn’t want to burry this in herself either. Maybe this was the absolution she seeks, maybe she can think clearer if she opens up a bit.
Looked at her friend, making a decision. “He is the Prophet.”
Didn’t need to point out whom she was talking about.
“The Deathless Prophet?”
Wow. That was… new. So the Divine Source was real and the immortality was… also real. That explained a lot and Jonah was also able to fill the holes on his own. It was quite a problem in a relationship or anything close to that and probably Jacob didn’t start with it, so he must lie to her. He knew Lara, knew she was extremely perfectionist, always wanted to be at her best. She was so alone as a little girl, probably thought if she will be the smartest and the fastest her father will give her more attention and time. Or maybe, she felt like she needed to grow up to Lord Croft’s reputation. Maybe she thought being a Croft meant she needed to be the best at her job. Or maybe this is what she only had, her name, her heritage, her brain, her job. And letting herself being misled could shake her world. Also it wasn’t a wise thing to poke a woman with full of passion like Lara. She could love deeply, yes, but her anger was pretty destructive. Not a good idea to make a woman angry who can kill you at least five different ways.
She nodded silently. Jonah couldn’t help but think she was so young, too young and inexperienced in this field. She judged too quickly and still saw the world to be black or white. Not as much as before, not after Yamatai, but she still needed to learn a lot about humans.
“Don’t be so hard on him Lara.”
She snatched her gaze at him, sharp brown eyes cut through him, not understanding why he is not at her side. But unlike Jacob, he wasn’t that much of afraid of her. Jonah saw her at her best and at her worst too, perfectly knew what she could do, but who else will force her to see clearly if not him?
“What would you do in his place?”
No, Lara definitely didn’t want to think about that. She trusted him. Wanted to protest, wanted to tell Jonah he couldn’t understand it, it is not just about the lying, but about betraying her, about using her, misleading her for a reason. But it wasn’t so easy to stop Jonah.
“What would you do if you’d have to live with this burden, if you have to watch and see how others around you are dying slowly? Seeing your family to fade away? Sweethearts to die? Children? He had enough time to live through this over and over. And Trinity came and they wanted to use the Source for bad things and he also needed to deal with that. Alone.”
Lara watched him silently. She didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to deal with it, didn’t want to feel sorry for a man who hurt her. But her rational side stirred in her, poked her to think about it, open her eyes and examine both sides, not hers only. She was proud of her intelligence and considered herself as an honest, fair person. If she really wanted to be like that, she had to look at this from Jacob’s view as well – and Lara knew why she didn’t want to: because deep-deep down she knew Jonah was right, but she was too selfish to admit, because she was too busy with her own pain and pride to sit down and admit she has no 100% right in this question. And even if she was hurt the question was there: what else she would do in Jacob’s place?
She definitely just won’t open up to a random stranger telling she was immortal.
Would she tell it to Jacob if they switch places? If she is the one, living forever and he comes to her, looking after the secret of immortality? When would be the perfect moment to tell him who she really was and expect him to be fine with that? She would be afraid he will hate her or be afraid of her, afraid of she will change in his eyes.
Yes, it was bad thing to lie to her about it – but what else he could do? It was – still is – a very twisted situation.
It didn’t mean it hurt her less or undid the damage of her trust in him. But she could understand him better.
Was she unfair to him? Probably yes. But she couldn’t just shrug and be okay with it suddenly either.
And again Lara felt how short she was on time. It was running next to her with such speed and left her always behind.
What will happen now? What happens if she goes down and gets the Source? What she will do then?
“I don’t know…” whispered the answer to her own question. “I don’t know what to do now.” she repeated to Jonah, seeking some moral guidance from him “I don’t know what would be the right thing to do.”
He smiled at her faintly. “Even if you came here for a good reason, immortality wasn’t something we should seek Lara. If we live forever, then what happens? Living and dying is a natural cycle, what happens when you stop that? You cannot play God.”
But if it could save her father… and it can save millions dying in sickness. It can do good.
“The fear of death is the only thing what is really pushing us forward on the road.” Jonah said it so casually, so easily, like he didn’t really just hit the nail on the head.
The fear of dying was something what pushed Lara forward, she should know that. That pushed her forward in Yamatai too, that pushed her forward in Siberia as well. The fear of losing her life or others’ lives.
Everyone got one life only and it was up to them how they lived it. Everyone will die eventually.
If she takes that away from the humanity… what remains? Does she even have the right to make that decision on her own?
No. She really shouldn’t play God. But it was so tempting to do it – was she the victim of her own pride? How she didn’t see that earlier? How she could commit such mistakes when she was fighting with people thinking themselves God? How she could almost become as one of them?
It hit her with such force and felt so disappointed with herself. A sad smile appeared on her face. “Am I a bad person, Jonah?”
Does it make her as bad as Trinity? Or Ana? What is the difference between the two of them? It was so clear before…. right now Lara couldn’t really tell where the good ended and the bad started.
He patted on her hand gently. “No.” answered in a warm tone “You are just young and do mistakes. But that’s normal and you always learn from it.”
-
As she stepped out into the cold air of the evening, Lara felt a bit lighter, even if the circumstances were far from being ideal. She still needed to deal with Trinity, still needed to decide what she will do with the Source, still had to fight, face monsters and stay alive. Was it crazy to be a bit more hopeful or that just clouded her judgement?
Cold wind came from the mountains, making her shiver, chasing clouds away, clearing the dark blue velvet sky and the millions of sparkling diamonds on it. Looking up, she felt as everything slowly clicked on its place giving her that inner peace and strength she longed for: she knew what she had to do, she knew where she was heading to and most importantly: knew who she was and what she was capable of.